All I Need is Black, White and Arial

Well. Life is good. I'm trusting God fr fr because I don't want to have multiple dry months. Yes. I have savings, but using my emergency savings is not a good place to be. Also, credit card?! After paying it off??? Me no likey.

So.

Tiny.

He's been VERY HORNY this week. Like... multiple suggestive text messages this week. Which, I do not mind, but, it's noticeable. Did I tell you that he has a massive cock? Like... it is really big and really thick and really dark. His lips are huge as well. And his head looks like a beluga whale. And he laughs like a chipmunk. But... He's been so fucking consistent and has been protective of me since DAY ONE and the chemistry was there as we had a fucking 4 hour date, just walking in his local park.

So.

He went on a camping trip, and he stayed in contact with me, which I loved. I knew there would be time when he wouldn't, but he was CONSISTENT and kept me in the loop and was also romantic. And me too, I told him that I missed him... and then he said he misses me too... All lovely.

I'm apprehensive for Saturday mostly because we're going to a concert... which I'm happy that he remembered. He asked if I wanted to go and yeah, he went ahead, bought the tickets, and told me that we're going there on Saturday. Which is grand. He messaged me, mad late the day before. He messaged me at like 1am to respond to my text. I don't want him in my house till we're exclusive and in a relationship. And I promised myself, the next man who comes to my house will be my husband.

On that same day, Monday, I saw Summer Fling munching on a pastry, drinking what looked like an iced coffee in his home clothes LOL... It gave me an instant ick. I just couldn't hold it. With the headphones and everything. It just made me realize that I really truly and honestly do not want anything he has to offer. I want what Tiny promises and how he comports himself. That's what I'm looking for in a man. And he's shown that to me, consistently.

Next week, I go to my homeland. Several weeks later, he goes to his homeland for a wedding. I'll be asking him plainly if this is his wedding, his child's outdooring, his trad or engagement.

I was swimming and I need to perfect my back stroke. I don't know what's going on, but now, I just stay floating in the water, I can't move! Ugh! I don't know what I've done/did that makes me do that, but here we are.

Yesterday my ass was tired. I love men adoring and worshipping my body, I cannot lie. Kissing Summer Fling with his chapped as lips was annoying, but the way he was trying to feel my pussy, trying to take off my panties, LITERALLY kissing my ass, sucking on my titties (HE'S THE BEST OMG) and then doing that while touching myself... Yeah, I love all of this. I enjoy that, I have to be honest.

He is very bold and upfront though which... can be very... surprising. Him telling me that by now he should have fucked me for example. He's right, but yo... it is honestly and truly NEVER going to happen. But also, he feeling comfortable telling me that. And him telling me that I'm the highlight of his summer. He feels literal sparks and electric when he's around me. That our encounters stay on his mind, even when he's out of my presence.

But let's get to the matter at hand: Tiny. I felt like on Saturday he was like... a bit more reserved in certain ways... But that's not true. The way he'd lead me through the crowd, putting his hands on my waist and directing me where I should go, buying food, sharing his drink with me, tapping my butt every now and then... Those were such beautiful things that I think someone who is enjoying someone's company would do.

I... need to stop being SHOCKING with him. I think that's the lesson I need to learn with him. There's no need to shock him, just be yourself. You know that there's some industries that you wouldn't work with. But you said you'd work with anyone as long as the money is green... which truly isn't true. But for the SHOCK factor, you said it.

During the movie we went to, it was also really cool seeing how he interacts with people and his culture. He is STUPID SMART. Like, he does math puzzles FOR. FUN. like people do Duolingo? He worked at a stock exchange as his first real life role. He's worked at one of the big four. LIKE?! So talented, so smart, so sexy, HE'S BUFFFFFFFF LIKEEEEEE THE BICEPS BE BICEPING which is like... PHEW! Honestly, hottest man I've been with by far. He gives Nene, a run for his money!

But yeah, all that to say, we didn't speak yesterday as he was in Hamilton visiting family but he called me like a lil before 9am and I think it was to check in with me and I deeply appreciate that.

AHAHA! The real issue at hand for me is how he DOESN'T FUCKING SAY THANK YOU! Bro, I just bought you gelato. No thank you. He just like walked off with it. THE PICNIC, he barely ate anything nor did he drink much of the alcohol. I brought mostly everything back AND HAD A PICNIC WITH MY FRIEND THE NEXT DAY! I was so so hurt. The only time he said thank you was as he was leaving. He said, "Thank you". For what, I have no fucking clue, IMMA BE REAL. I guess spending time with him? I don't know. I'm going to ask the love languages question because I can't seem to figure him out.

So, he doesn't say thank you. Often. Today, he said thank you. That was the first thing he said. He just said it as a statement, but it felt... Heavy. The date was lovely, especially us getting just from .

He is so... Stern? Like... I know he's an analytical man, but he seems to really really like be a man of principles... And it scares me. Because a principled person... May not accept me. We spoke a bit about politics, I asked him who he'd vote for, he said Peter Obi. And he's voted Liberal, which is good. We're both PRETTY much centrists politically and he agrees with having social programs. He's remained pretty open about the gays, which, I like.

SO WHY DID I TELL HIM I USED TO DO WORK FOR THE ADULT INDUSTRY?! He asked me what industries would I not work for... And honestly, oil and gas, governments that are oppressive. Things that are anti-Black, LGBTQ+, anti-SWer.

I also noticed that he was pushing me away when I was trying to kiss him when he was leaving. Ain't no way that wouldn't get noticed... But his eyes were slits... Meaning he's aroused. He's in my hometown today with his aunt. Honestly, that's like me with my fave Aunt... But bro, your phone is always on you AND YOU HAVE LIKE TWO OTHER DEVICES. PLEASE 🥺

Summer Fling came back and we went further this morning than ever. He sucked my breasts KISSED MY ASS ALL OVER, and told me he wanted to do a fucking staycation where we literally fuck all day.

LIKE HUH?! I didn't say anything. I didn't respond. Because what's the point? I think he's made it very clear he simply wants a physical relationship. Even though he says he feels like electric sparks when he's around me. He can't get me out of his head. He kept on thinking about our first encounter in church. He's thinking about today's encounter today... Like sure, I evoke the feminine so much that like I can't get out of your head, but yo... I WANT A HUSBAND.

And then, he had the TIMERITY to say boldly that I'm not his lady and that in a few years... Like... No future talk AT ALL just like IN THE MOMENT.

Le sigh...

It feels like none of these guys are taking me seriously because even at least they are getting SOME FORM or female connection. Le sigh... I need to be honest with Tiny. That's the truth, my true self, and honest.

I've got an actual post coming out on tomorrow. I've got a date today, and a date tomorrow. I've had a pain-free, cramp-free period... However, the clots and jelly have. been. MADDDDD. Like, so so so mad. This was a hella heavy period.

Tiny called me from the office today, which I thought was very, very sweet. It was a short ass call, less than 2 minutes, like that stupid Victony song, but, I appreciated it. When he sends me the tickets for the picnic tomorrow, I'll thank him profusely for calling me and that it was wonderful hearing his voice and him checking up on me. Like fr... I do actually really appreciate it, it made my day fr, no lie.

EYE SWEAR TO GOD IF SUMMER FLING ASKS TO SEE ME TOMORROW, I'M GOING TO ABSOLUTELY LOSE IT!!! I'm seeing a new guy from last weekend tonight. I have like... zero hopes? He's very much giving, "I miss you" "Luv" etc. and we've known each other for literally less than a week. He's also ALSO A FRIEND... CLOSE FRIEND OF NENE!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! My bestie's friend had a section at this spot. We went bar hopping which was so.fucking.fun. We were mostly on the street two streets away from me. It was very fun, but I can't drink like I've drank this month. I cannot.

My face is a little bit puffier than usual, and those 3 days where I couldn't walk AND I didn't swim this week ARE ADDING UP!!! I'm going to start injections this week actually. I have a pen, let's face facts! Need to head home (I'll walk) and take a wee nap and hydrate. Anyway, back to what I was saying. They're friends... like, close friends. So. He invited me to a dinner the next day, and I turned him down because huh?! Funny enough, it was at the place I was just at the week prior where I took some AMAZING photos.

Anyway, WHO'S FACE WAS FRONT AND CENTRE ON SNAP?! NENE'S! I was SO. GLAD. that I didn't go. Firstly, birthday dinners are SOOOOOOO TRICKYYYYYY. Like, how do you even?! Even with the celebrant and their OWN FRIENDS, it can be tekky... much less some RANDOM BABE that you had met THE.NIGHT.BEFORE?! "Everywhere we go, you're coming with us"? Huh?

OH

And then Eureka's man from ATL/NYC invited me out last weekend. I knewwwwwwww I should have said I have alternative plans, but instead, he CALLED ME AT TWO AM DEMANDING I COME OUT AND HANG WITH THEM, and then I was able to escape that.

THEN the Sunday... I basically gave my ex The King a blowjob and he rubbed my clit and yeah, it was so nice. He really, really, really didn't want me to leave, and that was painful, but necessary tbh... Painful but necessary... Tiny made me bleed for A WEEK prior to my period which was SO. NOT. COOL. And I'm going to book an appointment to see the gyno after this period, for next week so I know where I stand with Ms. Kitty.

ALSO. I'm going to LDN... And I'm scared. Like, I know I have money and shit... but still... Yeah... Let's buy the ticket and figure shit out. I don't want to buy anything tbh, this is a HELLA. BUDGET. TRIP. So. Yeah... I know I shouldn't go because EYE don't have the cash... BUT I do want to go to show face AND TRAVEL THIS YEAR!! Even though I'm going back home in December.

ALSO. I have another function from my culture on Sunday in my hometown. I'm looking to catch some fish... hopefully, I shall. The thing with these things is that... NIGGAS BE SOOOOOOOOO INNA and I'll be going like, alone and yeah... I'm not sure how I'll feel once I get these. I know I'll be on my phone and yeah... That's not the best. I have my eye on someone in particular... but it's always hard when there are other women there who... yeah... So, trying NOT to drink (lemme unblock his ass now in fact lol)

Damn. I never blocked him.

WELP.

I can't beleive we're almost 200 days into 2026?! Oh, Tiny asked me to "be his girl" WTF does that even mean bro??? TBF, we were making out HEAVILY, his dick was INCHES away from me and it was while we were both as naked as the Lord had made us... So, logically, I said, "I'll think about it".

This morning, he sends me a kissy face which is... so cute in a way that I just can't... It looks like Summer Fling MIGHT get his date tonight after all, who knows! It seems like Tiny is waiting till next week, because our concert has been postponed to that time. I thought he might have made a suggestion for something quicker, but I was a lil bit slower on responding, he's reached out every day this week. I missed that, so I messaged today, and will send him a grid as well.

Hopefully, he comes up with something... but I honestly don't think that he will which is sad. Ugh, that means time with Summer Fling, which isn't really something that I'd like to do because IMMA FEEL WEIRD AND HAVE A MILD VENEER OF PASSIVE AGRESSIVENESS THAT I WON'T BE ABLE TO HIDE!

Nevertheless... Tiny's dick is so beautiful and he lovesssss when I give him head, which is obviously fantastic because I LOVE GIVING HEAD! I LOVE IT!! AND I CAN'T WAIT TO LET HIM CUM AND DO THAT SHIT FOR MEEEEEE!!!

Anyway... "You're my girl. Say yes." While your ERECT PENIS is inches away from me... Yeah no my love, let's dig deeper, let me share more about who I am with you and if you stay... then... LET'S GET MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES AND YEAH!!

There is no fucking way that I did NO WORK this week?! Tbf, I had a full week, lots of events and stuff and was in bed alot... BUT NO WORK TRACKED?! IMPOSSIBLE!

Also, my credit card is compromised, ugh... I locked all my cards, and I'll probably need to get a new one which kinda sucks... but not really. I don't want to use my other cards just yet... Especially CIBC. With them, it's on sight! I'll use my TD one to buy my LDN ticket and then pay it off a day or two later.

So. How am I feeling? I am VERY CONVINCED Summer Fling has ghosted me. I feel like I caught a glimpse of him yesterday catching the 511... but he was wearing the same thing I saw him wearing JUST LAST WEEK when leaving the Lionel Riche concert... But it honestly... wasn't concrete.

HOWEVER... OH MY GOSH... So much has happened in a week?! I ! Canada Day with Tiny was so much better than expected! We did way more than I originally thought I was going to do, but I was HAPPY AND SATISFIED all night! Knocked his ass out... like I do. And him eating my pussy in a BLACK WIFE BEATERRRRRR OMGOMGOMGGGG... But yes, he told me that he couldn't wait to fuck me... however, I told him that I'm so excited to sleep with him as well but I'd like to spend more time getting to know him and hopefully having sex when we're in a relationship... TO WHICH he said sounds good.

He then napped off for a bit, before BAKING MY CAKE FROM SCRATCH while I watched Bob's Burgers. We then went to his bedroom where he made my cum like 6 times over the course of the day. He carried me to his bed which was SO HOT... It felt so easy for him which was HAWTTTTTTT... He also is a NIPPLE GUY (God bless you The King!) because he was like, "you know exactly what I need"... Of course I do! Nipples are the best thing in the world! He then asked to eat me out, to which I said yes. Fantastic. After cumming from that, he FED ME CAKE IN HIS BEDDDDDD... And then we got dressed to go to his friends BBQ.

Honestly... it was as I expected it to be, but I came out on top I think. His friend remembered my name, which was really nice... AND my former colleague was there and basically vouched for me, which was DOPE. He wants to change job, which is something he's hinted at. One thing I noticed is that most of these people have like.. 10+ years experience working in corporate whereas I have like 2-3... And... that's something I am very self conscious about. They're talking about like, 1 million naira pensions and I have a pension of only like $20,000 with the government, if that.

So yeah... sometimes, when men are peacocking, it goes over my head because I'm like... That's not big money... He also made me cum in the bathroom... and then we went home, and he ate me out AGAIN... And he titty fucks me, which I find to be very cool because he actually is big and thick enough for that to work. He likes being talked through it, which is very, very hot and I can't wait to practice more with him.

HIS DICK IS BIG, AND THICK AND HE SAID HE'LL SPLIT ME IN HALF, CAN'T WAIT FOR BACK SHOTS, CAN'T WAIT TO FUCK ME LATER, AND HE ASKED ME HOW I'D LIKE TO TAKE IT... All of which I feel I navigated beautifully :)

HIS NIPPLES. Did I mention that already? Kissing his chest, and coming back to his nipples, before sucking him off? And him fucking my face? "Talk to me baby" "Talk me through it" as he's about to nut?" Heaven on earth. He came twice, and the second time, I asked him to put a timer on for us to cuddle before I headed home... HE ALSO CALLED ME AN UBER WITHOUT MY ASKING... He was practically falling asleep and I really appreciated him doing that, honestly. It seems like with him, he's very much a "you don't have to ask, I've got you" Which is something he said many times as I was cumming, "I've got you" "You can bite me, I can take it". I bit his ear hard and yeah... He loves slapping my ass and grabbing my neck to kiss me... which I love...

All in all... a dope king :)

SO

The day prior I had a date with another man from Hinge. We'll call him PT. He's a PT... But he's also FRUGAL AS FUCK which doesn't align with my personal ethos LOL! He was shorter, but he admitted that I think. He was odd though: he (potentially) lied about his education, lied about his age (just found out he in fact DID NOT lie about his age). He's half Ghanaian and half Nigerian. He was very close to his Dad who died I think 2 years ago. His mother died when he was really young and he comes from a polygamous home. He also was raised Muslim, which is... interesting. His first name gave it away tbh. I like how he changed his name in 2018 so it was less Muslim.

He works in finance as a manager at this investment company which sounds hella boring. He claims he has a Master's as well as is working on his PhD... but, his LinkedIn dispels those claims. He's been a PT for a decade, and IS BUFF AF. But, he scares me slightly. He seems also to be very much, veggies and rice and beef and said that eating ice-cream was a cheat day...

I've been trying to not pursue negative behaviors in my way of soothing myself and preventing me from LITERALLY LOSING MY MIND since Summer Fling SEEMS like he has cast me aside. He said he'll reach out when he's back. He reached out about soccer. I DID NOT TELL HIM THAT I'M HAPPY TO TALK TO HIM AND I MISS HIM AND I WANT TO LICK HIS FACE!

So. Back to inviting the King over. I shouldn't have. Firstly, I shouldn't have picked up his call yesterday. It's always the same thing: him feeding himself when he's down. Me getting my ego stroked. I did give him a blow job yesterday. And he did ask me several times why we're not having sex.

He's still caught up on the whole beginning of our relationship. And, I don't want us to get into this space where we're like... feeding off of each other. Because he is right: I do deserve better than a man with complications. Summer Fling has BARE complications... or at least, it looks that way from the outside looking in.

Maybe, we'll never know. Nigerian men have been known to ghost me alot so... Yeah...

I swear I saw him yesterday though. Crossing the crosswalk of my street. It felt like him. The way this person moved, the shorts they were wearing. The hat they had on, the bracelet. I could see him from my balcony and... it looked exactly like him. I took a picture, which in hindsight is now blurry. But... It felt like him, alot. He checked his phone as he was crossing the road. Super quickly. And then... he just kept on walking. I thought he would have messaged me like an hour later... but he didn't.

I waiting 40 minutes in my house, before setting off again to go to get cake which I shall eat momentarily. This period was an odd on. Day 2 way brutal in terms of volume, but not so much in terms of cramps. I dropped 3 larger, but softer clots and not many if any smaller, shreds of lining, which, I find to be concerning. If I'm being honest, I need to cut out the cold drinks and get on my castor oil and massage tip. Yeah, I'm going to start that.

It seems I'll be at the YMCA for a minute now. Because I have my morning Aquafit at 8 that finishes at 9, and then my swimming lessons at 11:15, starting this Tuesday. I think I also lost my glasses there :( They are really cute, so... they've been stolen once before :( Must buy them again! Ugh!!! I'm going to go there though to see if it's in lost and found.

Anyway.

Back to the issue at hand. My therapist says I should run and/or at the very least, find out more information... But how do I find out more information if he hasn't reached out yet?! Should I reach out to him?! I knowwwwwww he offers something that I want, that I've craved from a man. But the detailssssss... And I totally get what Dr Want means: the one you're fighting and chasing away is the one you're most compatible with, and I believe that, wholeheartedly. I believe that, being with a man like Summer Fling will make me the happiest, child-free aunty ever. OR, I'll have my one kid - hopefully a daughter! - and have my mini-me who'll be Clarke on steroids.

Just thinking back to the conversations I had with my ex in bed today. We literally dreamed about the same thing for each other: travelling together, buying a house together, starting a business together... I love how neither of us mentioned kids LOL... It was just us, building together...

He's not coming over again. I won't be picking his calls up again. That text I just sent will be the last that I send, honestly... It's just... I don't like using him as a

ALSO HE CHEATED ON HIS GIRLFRIED!? HIS CURRENT WIFE!? And they had their kid in marriage so, that kid is DEFINITELY HIS. Ugh... He's not for me I guess... I mean, I always knew that... Where are all the fine-ass niggas with no baby mama's, who are mentally stable??? They say there are so many of them out there... WHERE THEY AT?!

Anyway, it is highly possible that this man never contacts me again. And that'll be sad. I'll be really sad. But I need to pick up my bag and get it going on because... yeah. I wanted to be engaged or on the route to engagement this year... and yeah... it's not going to be with The King. I've confirmed that now. I need to put my foot down, till the time I'm in a relationship and can be his friend platonically.

ANYWHOO

I hate how I come up with scenarios in my head. I need to ask for forgiveness for making and cumming today. I came today and then I gave him head yesterday. Came in 5 minutes flat, per usual. He didn't cum alot though... meaning that if he is fucking... I really shouldn't have done that. Basically re-infecting myself. Ugh.

Ok, so I'm on my period and I feel odd AF. Like, my body is fine, there's no cramps or anything. I just feel... tired from the inside? I don't know if that makes sense or not. I overdid it to be honest, I did alot. I walked alot yesterday and the days leading up to my period. But I ate... ok? I didn't eat heavy, but I wasn't hungry or wanting for anything. My legs feel kinda weak and I feel my tummy be kinda strange... I dunno...

I've setup a date for today with Tiny. I'm excited, but I feel apprehensive, like my body is on the cusp of betraying me. Or rather no, I don't want them (Tiny and Summer Fling) to see me as weak, frail and honestly a svelte lil thing on my period... BUT HOW WILL THE BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF ME IF THEY DON'T KNOW THAT I CAN BE THIS CUTE LIL BABY BIRD FOR THEM TO TAKE CARE OF?!?! I HATE BEING VULNERABLEEEEEEE...

Also, I'm going to offer to do the Passion Projects thing with him Sunday afternoon OR the photo walk earlier in the weekend and have him choose. I need to be ok with asking MEN for things. And yeah, there's more that needs to be discovered about him. Anyway, I've already done too much. I was supposed to pray after that call, and instead, I sent a proposal, an email and checked my website.

My date with Tiny is confirmed. People are messaging me about the recap content from the place where we met, which is nice :) Like, it's so cool seeing myself showing up in other people's content, just in the background, or on their page, or just, being captured, doing my thing, being outside. It's nice.

This week is two things: my period and rain... and GH game with England tomorrow with which we are all dreading like mad. We should not be allowing that Partey guy to play... it looks really bad on us... nevertheless... AND HE'S MARRIED?! BRO?!

Anyways... So. I've known Tiny now for 3 weeks, and in that time, he has added something that will never be taken away from my life: the gift of piano. Being able to play again, solely because of him is just... it's beautiful. It's something that I will ALWAYS remember HIM for. And I love that for me. I feel he really likes me, wants me to be around, in his life, in his everyday. And I feel the same way...

Now, Summer Fling. Ugh. This guy is the one that triggers me THE MOST. In sooooo many ways. I don't like how I have to wait to hear back from him after a week... Like... That is SO. FUCKING. TRIGGERING. TO. ME. AND. I. DON'T. LIKE. IT. AT. ALL. "I'll text you when I'm back in the city" ARE YOU GOING TO YOUR FAMILY IN THE SUBURBS??? AM I A SIDE CHICK... AGAIN?! UGHHHHHHH... He scares me... Being around him is, kinda like me trying to gain his approval. I have to be VERY measured with him: like, I feel like I can't say the wrong thing, or the right thing. I can't be ignorant or abhorrent or my silly, goofy self. Even though he says I bring that out of him.

Well... let's start with the fact that TINY GAVE ME A HICKEY!? He's also the best kisser I've experienced... Yes, better than The King. HE'S ALSO A SOFT DOMMMMMMM OMGGG?! That did something to my brain chemistry in a way that... Yo... I don't want it to just be a physical thing... BUT I WOULD BE WILLING TO DO IT JUST TO SAY THAT I EXPERIENCED A DOM!!! Man said he was ready to eat me out and take me home THAT. NIGHT. Tennis skirts will do it everytime, I swear... My next planned date with Summer Fling is going to be a walk. And there will be a tennis skirt in the picture. I don't know if I'll do a white one or the black one... but one will be worn and I wonder what his reaction to it will be. Because for Tiny, it is what led him to wanting to kiss me... and then a hot and steamy make out session in his car...

THE CAR WAS STEAMY GUYS! IT REALLY WAS!

How does one plan a walking date that's like... free99? I must find out.

Bro... He looks so innocent. He's so quiet. He has an annoying laugh, it literally feels like a "yuk yuk yuk" which annoys me. BUT... Him touching the small of my back to lead me somewhere. Him putting himself on the side of the street. Him standing in the way of that crazy man. Him having his head on a swivel... and him wanting to watch me cum from rubbing my clit?! AH GOD, WHAT MORE COULD ONE WANT IN A MAN?!

But HE IS Catholic... and it seems like he's practicing... Which I think is interesting that both the Catholics I know of are those who actually like go? Whereas the niggas who say they're Christian, don't go as frequently... You know what, I'm wrong. They go the same amount of times LOL

BUT ANYWAYS

Summer Fling asked AGAIN if he could come to my place... I like how smooth he is with asking to have sex with me. And so I told him, I want to get to know you better, feel safe with you before becoming physical. He said that if he had his own way with his living situation, I would have been over already. But my thing is this: it seems like... yo, that's the only thing you're interested in. My presence. My body. But not like... me. And yeah.

I also went to a party last week that was awesome. I had a great time. I need to drink more water though. I feel like I don't drink enough on the weekends, and thus, completely erradicate all the progress I make with myself during the week.

I think Summer Fling didn't give me an answer... or rather, he gave this like, funny, sarcastic answer where he was like, "oh I need to get to know you better" in relation to sending me a sexy voicenote. And honestly, it was light and fluffy, which is how I think he is. He's not giddy giddy like me. I know I'm giddy giddy. He's very much, I will take my time with you. And I like that.

I know this nigga has a big, thick dick. And I'm scared. He opened up, so much yesterday. And all I did was listen. I didn't share or say much that was like, related to my thoughts and feelings, but boy, he shared alot. Like, ALOT.

But the underlying messaging that I got was: I like you, I like being around you, I like spending time with you. But he also said I should be direct with him if I'm not feeling anything or want to change direction. He also brought up inevitability in respect to us having sex. And didn't want it to be some arbitrary thing. The same thing that Nii said, "nothing will change". Bruh. Everything changed. Everything. So. No. I won't be sleeping with this man. And I am glad he mentioned, "till he gets angry or tired". Which in my mind was like, "if I can't fuck you in a certain period of time, I'm out". Which is fair.

He does not in anyway seem marriage or long term relationship minded when it comes to me, at all. Well, at least from last night's talk. We're officially one month down. I met him a month today. And I am honestly surprised that he want this puss that bad. Or am I? I am hot, I am sexy. I am beautiful and smart. And he wants to penetrate that, to conquer it. But I've decided I'm not going to let him. His "situation" (you know how much I hate men with situations) is also not as clean as I would like: he brought up not being paid, still doing graphic design work at 47, figuring out daycare/summer camp. All of these things are... not attractive to me.

But, he also mentioned how he owns his home in Hamilton, so he's a homeowner. I'm not sure about this place, but he mentioned a real estate agent and how it seems like he's had this place forever. He's been here for like 13-15 years, which is crazy. So, I think he owns both his condo and his home in our shared hometown. But the cashflow thing.

He mentioned wanting to get a lil studio, which I thought was very cool. He told me of how he went to business school, which, honestly I'm not surprised by. Cold calling at 47 is PEAK. Like, those are not things I want to hear. I mean, I want to hear them, but I don't want to hear them. They ginger me more to like, work harder and set myself up in a way where EYE don't have to live that way, at all. Especially when raising a family.

My eye done clear. Fr fr LOL Especially looking at him in the daytime. Very hard on the eyes LMAO Butttttttt I LOVE THE WAY HE TALKS AND THE WAY HE SEEMS VERY MUCH LIKE A GIVER WHICH IS HOT AS FUCKKKKKKK Like, when he tried to touch my nipples and I moaned and he was like, "you're not ready for that tonight". NIGGA. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I AM READY, BUT I AM NOT WILLING LMAO

My panties were SOAKED last night. He loves hipbones and a muff... which is like... interesting? He's a 1979 baby, which is cool. He is legit, 10 years older than me, and I'm starting to thing that that is too old for me. He is taking his sweet time, and... I'm not sure how I feel about it thus far. Like, can I just enjoy his company, while dating other people? I don't want to rush this season of dating tbh. I see the value in Dr. Pat's method. But then, there's also the spiritual aspect where I'm like... the cost to fornication is just too high for me. Too, too high. I'm still seeing The King in my dreams, and we're not even together! He is MARRIED!!!

So, yeah... Long story short, I don't think I want to tell him just yet till like, the next time he wants to like do something soooooo... And if we end up back at his place then, yeah. I have to be honest, last night was a win for me. Because I do know that I would have let something more than what was up happen. And for that, I am grateful.

We'll see... I don't see a relationship with him. I'll be surprised if that's something that pops up, but we'll see, we'll see...

Straddling him, and telling him raincheck and telling him that I appreciate him making time for me in his schedule and him saying that he enjoys my company was hot. And I obviously rubbed on it a lil bit. And then telling him we have to get him to bed and him going, "you're not slick" was very fun.

It legit is such a beautiful day out today. The sky is amazing, the weather is warm. It's not so windy. And the sun is shining brightly, and probably will be doing so till later on tonight.

I have a date tonight with Summer Fling. And then another one from Hinge tomorrow evening. Then, I'm supposed to have 1-3 from Friday-Saturday LOL. None of them have really gotten back to me with details, so, we'll see? I also want to go to a street festival with my girls and dance the night away with DJs and the like. So. It's a bit of a sticky one still, ya know?

I'm nervous and excited for tonight's date. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. I haven't kissed him in 2 weeks, so, I'm giddy with anticipation. And my pussy has been on high alert since yesterday and the day before so... I'm proud of myself for staying strong and being able to resist for like, 2 weeks after deliverance. The last time I did deliverance AND got drunk right after, I fell down. But I'm hoping that I won't do that.

I'm also acutely aware that my last two relationships, it was around this time that I became physical with both of those men: Nii and The King. I slept with the King 6 weeks after meeting him. And with Nii, it was much longer, 3-4 months, but it was about 6 weeks when my nipples were in his mouth! So! I'm a bit hesitant about meeting with this guy, especially since I really like him.

My goal and aim for today is to draw him in, BUT to not be too sexual. I feel like I fell and did that when I spoke about my piercings so, he's been on the lookout for them. He will get a sneak peak today as the dress I'm wearing will show them AND it'll probably be cold AF on his rooftop... which is why he offered it to be honest. I think though, I'll try and end the date before midnight, because I'd like to pray and try and get into that habit to be honest.

My pastor sent me a SHIT TONNE of prayers today. It felt like an attack... But it also felt like a helping hand? I don't know how to think or feel about it. I need to get a wax though, ASAP. I'm so glad that I got my upper lip done, it definitely changes my facial structure. I have Aquafit every morning, that's my new thing. I'm a Y girlie :) I didn't realize how many people go there! I'm going to find out if I can register for swimming lessons today to be honest, because I neeeeeeeedddd to learn how to swim and I'm excited to be able to be someone who is a. a strong swimmer and b. someone who swims everyday as a part of who they are. I just want that for myself.

Anywayssss...

I have the PERFECT dress to wear today... But I shan't wear it... I'll wear like, the one that's a like it, but DOESN'T HAVE THIS HUGE SLIT RUNNING UP MY LEG!! That dress gets me sooooo many compliments, it fits me so well and I have FOUR of them. So. The one with the slit would be SO.FUCKING.SEXY. for tonight. However... I'll not make that a thing. At all. I'm going to wear the one that's similar, but doesn't have as obvious of a cut in it. AND I'll wear it in BLACK, so that, you'll have to look super, duper closely to see my nipples... which is ultimately what I want, but I want him to like... struggle for it, and I don't want to just, put it out there for everyone to see.

So.

Yeah.

So.

Summer Fling seeeeeemmmmmms to be back in the city. But like... No action on his part to ask for us to go out. At all. He asked about my wig, which was so cute. He sent me a song. Which we discussed. I texted him this morning. He replied instantly. But no date. I AM IN NEED OF A KISS AND FOR MISS KITTY TO FEEL WARMTH AGAIN 😭😭😭 WHY ISN'T HE ASKING ME OUTTTTTTTT UGHHHHH...

Anyway.

The other guys from Hinge are meh. One has set a date for next week which is great. He's a church boy, so, he automatically gets 3 dates, right off the bat. My three guys from my country have done nothing. No dates setup or anything. So I've booked myself a hair appointment and a brow appointment for a day party that I'm attending in the afternoon.

Disappointing, but not really surprised tbh... My men move slow like molasses but want to get you off the market ASAP with the effort of a snail in labor. Painfully slow. But still, I rise.

I have a shit tonne of emails to respond to and send out today. As well as some work as well. Debating whether or not to use the new version of my software for this new site I'm building. I'm deciding against it tbh...

It seems like, we're a once a week kinda thing, Summer Fling and I. Which, is good? I mean, I want to go on dates weekly with my person. I like that. I'm confused re: The King. A prayer breakout session we had yesterday (I'm currently dry fasting and going through deliverance) said something about how certain things are confusion from the enemy. Like when you see your friend helping you, they're not really. Or if they're hurting you, they're not really? Witchcraft bondage?

I'm going to go to church early today to go for counselling. Yes, they said 4-4:30. I want to be there for 3:30 at the latest. And then probably sleep in some corner be and start the prayers. Today is the night that we really go into it, which scares me. I'm feeling weak right now. No food, no water. Just air, and rest. Great, the minute I bring up "I'm not hungry"... my stomach growls. Down girl LOL!

Back to Summer Fling. He's really not a texter/check up on you er... which pisses me off. I like daily/multi-daily check-ins. Alot. Because that's something that I like to do. I don't think I did well the week he was gone. I was S P I R A L L I N G hard. Not knowing that, this is something that is different. This is how this person communicates: when I want you, I'll come and get you. When I'm done working, when I want to play, I'll come play with you. Annnnnnddddd I knowwwww that's how it's supposed to be with strong, testosterone men, BUT I LIKE MY NIGGAS A LIL BIT NEEDY OK!? JUST A LIL BIT!!!

Anyway, someone wants to do a coffee date tomorrow. Which is grand. I'm talking to two over text and I'm glad that I got a TextNow number, ya know? I don't want to give these guys my real number OR anything about my company till the time is right. I've matched with a number of guys from my country which is good. Most men are either though 10 YEARS OLDER than me, or like a year younger... Noone like, 1-3 years older, which I think will be the sweet spot for me.

Still don't have a nickname for him, but... we haven't met or spoken to each other in one week. One. Week. This is just nonsense to me. I have never experienced this before. No, not once. It feels like he has a family in our shared hometown. That's what it's giving. I can't get down like this.

Fell down twice last week. One was because I was scared about my hair... The other was because I was feeling down about him. It's so funny, that, we're taught to like, keep these feelings inside, to wait 8 weeks by Dr. Pat. But during that time, we're literally KILLING OURSELVES worrying and waiting over some man who found it apt to not reach out to us for a week.

Ugh.

This dynamic cannot go on. It's not what I want, nor what I am used to. I don't want it. I know that I should probably stop using this man, but I understand, overstand, that 2-3 months is necessary. Which is why I call him my Summer Fling. Yes. I guess that should be my name for him hahaha. Summer Fling. I haven't had one of those before. But I KNOW I'm not in a relationship, not getting into one soon.

I look over my list of what I want my dream husband to have almost daily. And yes, Dr. Pat teaches that if a man meets 51% of that list... go with him. I think though, I think there are certain things on that list that are weighted heavier and therefore, even if a man meets 51% with other aspects, if he doesn't meet many or none of the heavier weighted items, I think it's a no.

For example: The King's score against my list is 5/13. That's 38%. He does not even qualify. But I did hear at some point that... at some point, he will get up there. Will EYE even still be on the market when he gets to that point? And what will he be like to have gotten those additional marks?

Now summer fling... He's a solid 7/13, 54%. Buttttttt he's not from the same denomination as me, he's been divorced and has a child, he doesn't work a standard 9-5, probably doesn't have a personal walk with Christ andddddd is more than likely not abstinent.

So.

Yes, he is technically barely over the 51% required pass mark, but with items that don't make any sense. With him, I've come to realize that actually, I do need to be with someone from my country, and someone from my denomination. I think, those are my new non-negotiables. Because, trying to teach a Catholic about demons, praying in tounges and how to hear God's voice at 47 sounds like pure and absolute hell. And I don't want the first soul that I save to be my husband. No sirrrrr.

It's been a dope day today. It's really nice outside first of all. I went to a new park on the other side of town and I must experience it again. I didn't even scratch the surface, but there was much to explore. I'm going to write a list of stuff for my business that I need to tackle. Mostly surrounding my pricing, packages, contracts and sending myself my rent. I don't think I'll be taking any additional money for myself this month. I've already taken too much.

BUT THEN AGAIN... THERE WAS NOTHING THERE FOR A MINUTE... Anyway... It was a good, yet rocky long weekend. I hate having a dry phone :(

OH

The King liked my most recent Tiktok! I wasn't expecting that, at all! I thought he had even unfollowed me! But he liked it, he was the SECOND to like it :) That put a smile on my face...

I saw a dream of him and his wife at a wedding dinner. He was wearing a blue and black suit jacket, the same that his groomsmen wore to his wedding, and she was wearing a lacey halter neck wedding dress. They looked happy...