Single Girl Exploring the World

Wow!

Reading back to all my older post and I can honestly say that I am in a better place emotionally, physically, spiritual and in general. A lot has definitely changed. My life is so different now that if you were to tell me that my life would be like this, I wouldn’t believe you.

I stopped writing for a couple reasons: 1) Life got extra hectic (I will explain why) 2) I didn’t find my posts very interesting. I know my mission wasn’t to be interesting, but learn to write and for self-discovery.

 So let’s rewind…

Boyfriend is now and ex. I haven’t spoked to him apart from the “Happy Thanksgiving, I am grateful…” and “Happy Birthday, hope you have a wonderful birthday” text. From those two texts, he only responded to the happy birthday text which is making me assume he is heartbroken. Too heartbroken to even respond. Ha. Even if it’s not like that, that is what it is to me.

This journey continues. The journey to lose myself to find myself. Or maybe it’s really about finding ourselves to finally lose ourselves. I guess the journey really depends on the person and situation. 

Have you ever just stop for a moment and questioned your life? Not your whole life, but your present life. That part of your life that you have been struggling to change. That now you reflect back on and realized that maybe the fight to keep someone in our life is no longer worth it. 

That continuous fight you have to stop loving someone you know you shouldn’t love. But for someone random reason you always go back to. Whether it means responding back to a text, stalking them in social media, and with all that realizing that as much as you want this person, this person is not good for you. 

My life post-exam has begun! I am excited for what is to come. I’ve been looking forward to this time for a while now. I feel rejuvenated and this process has just felt so right. I feel motivated to do much more for myself and has only inspired me to continue with this blog and actually work on editing it (sorry for the typos).

Since I’m back home after my trip to Southern California, my bf has been accepted to graduate school. Yay for him! This made me reconsider the break up, since this may be a sign that he is getting his life together. But then he reminded me why I thought about leaving him in the first place.

Today, I signed an application and placed a hold on a new apartment with August 1st as the moving date. I am really excited. The apartment is well kept. What I find most excited about this place is that it happens to be a couple blocks away from Apple Headquarters. I will definitely have my fun while living there.

And so my journey to become single continues; after all, the purpose of this blog is to document my exploration of the single life. 

Most of my life has come to a halt. Currently, I am in southern California with my nuclear family; I am here to get away from life and focus on the LSAT. Only a few days away (3 days, to be exact) and I am definitely feeling the pressure. The pressure to do well, mixed with the struggle of fighting with my own self-doubts. I’ve taken 2. 5 weeks off work to devote to the LSAT.Our team has been hit with so many unpredictable challenges that this time off for me was more than necessary to focus on my career goal.

This time away from the bf, has served me well. I am ready to go back to my “real” life, but also, unsure on how the cards will play out. Many conversations need to happen. One example, is the conversation about our lease ending in a month.  And the conversation I am dreading the most, “BreakUp Talk.”

Breakup talks aren’t always easy, they can bring tears of relief or tears of pain, sadness, and agony. All of which I know too well.  I’ve been playing the conversation over and over in my head, imagining the perfect scenario, the perfect combination of words that magically put him into a trance and then ‘poof’ understands the reason for my unhappiness, packs, and then leaves. Also,  I am dreading those awkward pauses, smiles, and comebacks. As much as I want this conversation to go smoothly, I know that it won’t and I need to be ready and okay with that. These are the many reasons, I want to take back the conversation even before it even happens.  

I’ve come to the conclusion, that if I don’t advocate for myself, I will lose myself trying to keep him happy. Countless times, I’ve wished I wasn’t so miserable with him because maybe then, I wouldn’t feel like I was forcing the impossible to happen.

Hello there world,

As much as I would like to say I am no longer in the unhealthy relationship, I still am. I’ve been studying for the LSAT that I’m taking in June. I came to the library to do a whole day of studying. I went to the grocery store yesterday so I made some food to get me through today. I drove an hour to get to the library because I am very particular on where I study. I need to be comfortable to let my creative juices flowing. I woke up early, packed my lunch, and couldn’t to get here. I slept very well as I slept in the living room sofa while my bf slept in the room. As I was packing my lunch, he was expecting me to pack food for him too. I am not his mother, this is a stressful time for me, he needs to help me or supportive to say the least. He doesn’t need to come with me, I could go by myself. I wanted to come by myself, but I don’t want him to suspect that I am leaving him because I want to minimize the stress I am exposed to. I said he could come and so now we are both here. He can’t do anything for himself. I need to constantly be telling him what to do and how to do it. I don’t need that extra weight on myself. He doesn’t bring anything to the table and he doesn’t understand that. He is just a pretty face that is used to getting everything done for him. We have been arguing all day and now I find myself on a different floor of the library away from him. I can’t do this to myself. The only thing thats holding me back is that we are both on the lease. Our lease ends in August. So far yet so close. 

On the bright side, I’ll be going Southern California soon/ Next week to focus on the exam and take the exam as well. I can’t wait! 

There has been sooo much that has happen since my last post. Interesting juicy stuff. I’ll wait to disclose that since only time will tell. Please send positive vibes my way so I can get a good score and to be able to find peace of mind in this time. Thank you for reading this post.

Love,

Hello World,

First real official post. It really has been a crazy year with many many ups and downs. My new year resolution was to really practice self-care. I have done a good job, I promise, but the more I look into my life the more I realize I need to make more “self-care” changes. And so, that brings me here, to write about a journey I am not to familiar with. A journey I know I need to make to feel free and wild. Well more free than wild of course, since I am already on some level of wild.

The more I think about self care and what needs to be done, the more I’ve realized, I need to let go of my relationships. Not abusive, not unhealthy, just not what I am looking for and so for that I feel it has become unhealthy. Unhealthy for myself because I can’t help to think of letting go of a person that I have outgrown. Relationships aren’t like a pair of jeans that could be thrown out after they no longer fit you. Relationships deal with people and families all are which are human. 

Another reason why I find it so hard to let go of relationships that no longer suit me, is because I don’t know how to be alone. I love my alone moments, but I also don’t want to be forgotten. I live so independently that sometimes I am afraid, that if I die, no one will notice. Okay okay, maybe I’m being dramatic, I’m pretty sure, my work will. But thoughts like that is what scares me. “Leave me alone but please don’t forget I am still here.” 

OOOhhh, I feel better already. I need to get these thoughts out. They make better sense after they come out and feel I’ve validated them. 

And so, this is the start of a journey I don’t know how to live or even explore. I’m scared, nervous, and excited. More importantly, a journey that will allow me to be human and feel human. Please join me in this journey and let’s explore this adventure called life.

With Love,

Hello Tumblr World,