itsnotmandatorybee

I remember before when I have so many journal entries way back 2021. If I were able to open my laptop or even my notebooks, it contains different stories, like what are the songs I used to listen or where am I. It’s quite fascinating to remember everything and what exactly happened during those periods. The wildflowers are everywhere and I remember smelling the grass and wet sand. I am riding bicycle and go to Arayat every last Saturday of the month. I am literally everywhere.

I managed to ride a tricycle all the way to apartment with Ate Melanie. I watched some videos from Kuya Arnold as he posted Tatay Rolando’s wake. Today’s the last day of interment, and the casket’s inside the karo de kabayo. It’s gloomy. It’s raining. It’s something that is way different than the Tuesday I had every time I had June. Today’s Tuesday, and what I remember is Mitch Albom’s “Tuesdays with Morrie”. I am so absurd in a way I can’t write well. I am thinking about Vlad’s family. I think of Kuya Drexon. I think of them all.

There’s a part of me that is pierced, and I am unable to listen “Both Sides Now” by Carly Rae Jepsen the same as what I am doing before. There’s a part of me that wants to cry, but I can’t because I have changed. The way I talk, the way I compose my verbiages, the way I communicate, and the way I recognize people. I talked to James for a while. I talked to Joms yesterday, and he talks about his work and his upcoming resignation on the 15th of July. I think of not moving forward to National University due to that certificate of rating thing, and I might end up going to Our Lady of Fatima University in the City of San Fernando, Pampanga. Today’s the start—I mean, yesterday was the start of Mercury retrograde. Not all things are bright and wonderful like the poem Kyra recites when we talk about our school from our early ages.

There is this kind of blind spot that makes me weak, and that is when I am prefer not to intertwine with my younger self thoughts. He is way smarter than me, but what makes me feel better right now is that I don’t need to tighten up my pants to make every clothing fit me. I am keeping my journals last 2021, and I am unable to open them, or maybe I refuse to open them because what’s past is past, and I have to start all over again. This is a part of the mantra that I am aiming for.

Last night, I was able to see Marc Gio, and he’s inside the Jollibee, probably eating something, and I am 4 minutes last at my work because I decided to stay for a little in my apartment and slept for a while before taking a bath. I thought of some things that we are doing a year ago, when we’re here on our apartment and we’re talking about some of the plans that we need to do for his birthday. Now, it’s way different. He had to save himself, while I don’t need to distress myself from everything. The weight that I am carrying is heavy already, and I should stick of carrying what I can only handle. I have few songs to remember and listen to my phone while I think of ways on how to deal with everyday life. Marc Gio’s there. I might be stupid for not bringing up some stories that I can probably share about him, but not everything is all about him, anyway.

Who am I supposed to think of, anyway, when these people are doing their own? Who am I supposed to be with when I am becoming selective to whoever I need to spend my time with? Who am I supposed to talk to when not everything that I want to hear is blurted on their mouths? Who am I supposed to love, if I am incapable of loving the inches of me?

I am not sad, I am not angry, I am not lonely, and I am not empty while I am writing this stuff. I can actually smile and think of good thoughts while I see my fingernails typing each letter on this keyboard, but I can also think of the toughest moment happened in my life, including the part when after a year ago, I wasn’t able to take Vlad’s call, and I am at the beach, seeing how the water touches the sand and stone combined. I can think of Marc Gio and how he cried when I was reading what he wrote on a piece of pad. I can think of when I had an interaction with Joms that Ber months, and I wasn’t able to get the answer that I am supposed to keep instead. I can think of myself eating siomai rice and I had classes on the afternoon, and everything’s falling in between us two. I can think of that September morning, when I am walking with my white hoodie, and Vlad’s wearing his pink Alfamart uniform, and we’re paving our own ways, without saying words with each other. We just let things to pass by. Who am I to do some clickbait and ask fate or faith to rely on some stupidity that I am doing before, like tossing a coin or writing a letter for Vlad to be inserted on a water bottle and keep it alongside with the grasses in Cong Dadong Dam? Like, is it really necessary to do that? What am I supposed to do if I miss the part that I am hurting and loving at the same time? And my energy’s directed to what I have to think of while counting the time, and I have my shift later, and I haven’t got a perfect sleep since yesterday

Bern, this is what you have wished for… is this really what you wished? You have your peace of mind to study in college and wear the uniform you wanted. You managed to enter that university for several times, and what you have to do later is to ask if they’ll be able to accept your credentials. You don’t have to interfere your life choices as you have used your heart several times in a row, and what you need to commit is by using your brain to think wisely, to think of the choices that is way better compared to talking to someone like Gio and waste your money on some crap. You have your own directive. You have your own purpose this time. You have to glorify what is currently up to what is beyond your reach, and it’s something that will come along if you’ll not be scared or lazy to walk forward.

Everything outside is clear even I don’t see the sun. I’m simply walking and keep on observing the people I used to encounter whenever I pass by after my shift. The same familiar faces bring me back to the place I used to love. Other than the public market and stalls is my heart lingering for warmth while it’s as hot as body’s temperature. I liked it that way. As long as I and him both share the same air, even if we’re inches apart.

Nu’ng napanaginipan ko ‘yung parents ni Vlad habang naglilimas ng tubig sa loob ng bahay, hindi ko alam kung ano ‘yung ibig sabihin nu’n, pero ang hindi ko maintindihan ay ‘yung bakit pagkalipas ng ilang araw na ang bigat-bigat ng pakiramdam ko ay makakabalita ako na wala na ‘yung tatay ni Vlad. ‘Yung tatay ni Vlad na sa pagkakatanda ko ay ang nagpapatunog ng kampana ng simbahan tuwing alas-6 ng gabi. Hindi ko pa nakikita o na-e-encounter ‘yung tatay ni Vlad. Basta ko na lang siyang napanaginipan nu'ng nakaraan. O baka mali ako—baka hindi siya ang napanaginipan ko, pero bakit kapag pinag-uugnay-ugnay ko ‘yung mga bagay-bagay, it brings me back to this thing that I should go to Arayat and see it one more time? At paano kung hindi ko iyon gagawin? Hindi ako kailangan doon. Hindi nila ako kilala. At ‘yung panaginip na iyon ay siguro, nagkataon lang.

Name: Rolando Y. Velasquez Born: July 23, 1946 Died: June 24, 2026 Age: 79

Interment Date: June 30, 2026 Time: 7:30 AM (8:00 AM Mass) Place: Catholic Cemetery

Noong mga nakaraang araw, marami akong naiisip na pwede kong isulat. Meron naman akong mga iilang kanta na pinatugtog nu’ng gabi na binuksan ko ang phone at tiningnan ko ‘yung profile ni Vlad sa Facebook. Hindi ko naman maiiwasan na magsabi ng mga nararamdaman ko sa katrabaho ko pero hindi ko naman maibabahagi lahat dahil ankward… bakit ba ako apektado?

Kahapon nu’ng nasa The Good Pastry kami pagkatapos naming kumain sa Boom Chicken, bigla kong nakita ‘yung tanawin ng Arayat. ‘Yung entrada ng sosyal na panaderya na iyon ay ‘yung “Pahintulot” ng shirebound kasabay ng mga ibang tugtugin na naging bahagi na ng pagmu-move on ko. Kausap ko si Renz bago bumiyahe. Kausap ko naman si Ate Cecile na nanay ni Dencel na nagsabi na mag-move on na raw ako. Na kung sakaling dumating ang panahon na magkatagpo kaming muli ni Vlad, baka iba na ang ihip ng hangin. Baka may karugtong ‘yung istorya namin… pero hindi ako naniniwala. Ang hiniling ko lang sa Diyos ay ang tingnan siya sa malayo. Hindi ako pwedeng umangkin ng isang bagay, maging tao na hindi naman talaga nararapat para sa akin. Pwede kong isuka lahat ng mga nararamdaman ko ngayon, pero hindi ko rin sukat-akalain na meron pa akong katiting na pagmamahal. Pwede akong pumunta roon at sumilip kahit saglit. Pwede akong dumiretso pag-uwi pagkatapos. Pwede kong palagpasin ang sandalling ito, pero ano naman ang mapapala ko kung paroroon ako? Walang makaaalam ng presensya ko, at kung meron man akong isasadya sa Arayat kung pupunta ako roon, ‘yun ‘yung pag-iisip ko ng paraan para makita si Vlad. Kaya lang, ang iniisip ko, hindi naman ako hinahanap. Bakit ako magpapakita kung hindi naman ako hinahanap

Nakakainis kasi nagiging makasarili ako sa mga sandalling ito. Hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit may mga pagkakataon na naiisip ko si Vlad, at kahit na alam ko na ang sagot dito eh tanong pa rin ako ng tanong sa ibang tao. May natitira pa akong pagmamahal kay Vlad, pero katulad nga ng bagay na nasabi ko na noon, hindi sapat ang pagmamahal sa lahat ng oras at pagkakataon.

Sa ngayon, pinipilit ko na lang na mag-isip ng kung anu-ano para lang masabing may journal entry ako. Masarap ‘yung kinainan naming na rose tteokbokki sa Boom Chicken. May mga siniraan silang tao habang kumakain. Napaiyak ako nu’ng nagkukuwento si Ate Cecile ng mga sakripisyo niya para sa mga anak niya. Pero sa ibang bagay nakatuon ang atensyon ko. Hindi ko pa nagagawang mag-self reflect o kahit nga pakinggan ulit ‘yung “Both Sides Now” ni Carly Rae Jepsen na ginagawa ko naman tuwing sasapit ang June. Ang bigat ng buwan para sa lahat, at ang masasabi ko ay hindi pa natatapos ang kalbaryo para sa iilan. Magiging apektado ako lalo na kung ang usapan ay ang tungkol sa buhay ng mga nakapaligid sa akin.

Nu’ng last week lang din nu’ng sinabi ng kapatid ko na nahulog siya sa drainage at naaksidente siya. Duguan ‘yung kamay niya at may mga parteng may gasgas. Nagu-guilty ako kasi wala naman akong magawa. Ang iniisip ko ay ang sarili ko.

Kung kailan na iniisip ko ay ang sarili kong kapakanan, saka naman unti-unti akong nauubos dahil naaapektuhan ako sa sitwasyon ng ibang tao—hindi basta-basta ng ibang tao, kun’ ‘di ‘yung mga taong malapit sa puso ko. Ang kabayaran ng pagpili sa sarili ay ang pagtitiis ng sakit dahil wala namang magagawa para maging ayos ang lahat. Pwedeng magbigay ng simpatya pero hanggang doon na lamang iyon. Hindi nareresolba lang ng simpatya ang bagay na kinakailangan ng ibang solusyon. Ito ang katotohanan, at hindi na ako mag-iisip ng iilang dahilan para kontrahin ang mga sinasabi ko kung ganito ang sitwasyon. May mga bagay na nangyayari at hindi ito nagagawan ng paraan para kontrahin ito. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

Napakapangit ng sulatin na ito, sa totoo lang, but that’s how I make it. There’s no substance on it, but I can’t make it to be like better than I ever thought because I don’t want to sound poetic or be like the other writers who have this burning sensation when it comes to literature, especially in writing. Hindi ako marunong magbahagi ng kwento, at kaya lang ako nagsusulat ay for keeps lang. Lilipas din naman ang panahon na babasahin ko ito ulit at magiging sariwa para sa akin ‘yung mga nakalipas na nagdaan, pero hanggang doon na lang iyon. May mga bagay akong pagsisisihan pero hindi ko gugustuhin na may mabago pa sa nakaraan. Kung ano ‘yung mga bagay na nangyari na, nangyari na. What all I can think of is today. Someone’s mourning for his father’s death, and I am very sorry for what happened, and what’s going to happen next is every one of us will pave our way kahit may kulang. Hindi matatawag na 3-in-1 ang kape na wala namang asukal at krema. Katulad sa bahay, hindi magiging matibay ang pundasyon ng isang pamilya kung wala ang haligi. Hindi ito totoo sa iba, pero para sa akin na namatayan na ng ama ilang taon na ang nakalipas, masakit sa akin ang mawalan ng taong pinakamamahal. Hindi ko ‘to napagtanto noon dahil bata pa ako, pero nu’ng lumalaki na ako, lalo na nu’ng nagbibinata na, napapaisip ako kung paano kung buhay pa ‘yung tatay ko. Hindi siguro mag-iiba ang pananaw ko sa buhay. Magiging okay kaming lahat.

Kung ako si Vlad, ano kaya ang mga bagay na tumatakbo sa isip ko ngayon? He’s way better when it comes to thinking that me in some sort of ways, but how could’ve it been if I’ll take my heart away and feel nothing at all if these situations happen? Most probably, the most answer I’ll get from others is that I am a bad person. Kung sa ngayon eh masasabi kong masama ako, hindi ko ma-imagine kung paano na lang kung wala akong puso, literally. I am better died dead.

Umuulan sa labas, magiging basa ang lupa, magiging malamig ang temperatura. Dati, ang ulan ang nagpapakalma sa akin sa tuwing ako ay umiiyak. Ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung ang ulan pa rin ba ang magpapagaan sa akin ng pakiramdam sa tuwing maaalala ko siya kahit limang taon na ang nakalipas nang huli ko siyang nakasama.

Nu’ng nakaraang araw, nag-send sa akin si Renz ng audio recording niya ng “Burnout” ni Ebe Dencel. Hindi ako nakapag-reply agad dahil natutulog pa ako sa sandalling iyon, at nu’ng napakinggan ko na ‘yung audio message ay sa office na nu’ng lunch ko. Sa mga pagkakataong iyon, naalala ko ‘yung mga moments ko sa Imaleh Apartment—doon sa lugar kung saan ko pinilit na mag-move on. Ilang mga buwan na nalakipas noong training period ko pa lang sa DRI. Naroroong nababaliw na ako at pinupukpok ko na ‘yung ulo ko sa pader.

Hindi kasi ‘yun simpleng “nakalimot na ako” na right after you spent moments with a person is you’ll going to drop your cortisol levels and just get over it. It’s painful to see yourself watching the sun go down when it was you who loved it during the course of your friendship with a stranger. Ngayon, literal na strange ‘yung napapanaginipan mo ‘yung tao kahit na hindi na kayo nag-uusap sa loob ng limang taon. Samakatuwid—nangyari na ang dapat na mangyari… naikubli na ang dapat maikubli… bakit parang bumubulong ang tadhana para muling balikan ang nakaraan?

Napanaginpan ko si Vlad nang dalawang beses. Pagkatapos kong gumising bandang 10:00 PM eh nakatulog ako dahil sa bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Bumabaha sa paligid at napasukan ng tubig ‘yung bahay nila. Pagkatapos, may sinasabi ‘ata ang tatay niya tungkol sa harang na hallow blocks na hindi naman nakatulong sa pag-iwas sana ng pagbaha. May nakita pa akong ale na sa tingin ko ay ang nanay niya. Sa pagkakataong iyon, nu’ng nagising na ako ulit, hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ako o malulungkot. I checked Vlad on Facebook and Threads and looked his photos na nasa La Union ‘ata with his friends na sa tingin ko eh ‘yun ‘yung mga kasama niya sa *** nu’ng nagkatagpo kaming muli nang hindi inaasahan. Akala ko ba, this 2026, GO ‘yung mantra natin? Bakit nakikita ko na naman ang sarili ko na nahihirapan when in fact, dapat chill lang ako. Tapos, nakadagdag pa ‘yung naaalala ko si Vlad. I had these questions on my mind.

Why do I think of him? For what apparent reason?

Why June? Why not other months like April or February?

Why do I need to know more about his life?

The answer is simple: I asked God, in a creepy way, not to get over him when I was this 21-year-old muggle with a gigabyte of a brain, hoping that everything’s going to be fine regardless if Vlad will still talk to me or not. Kasabay ng Ka-BOOM! Playlist ko na may mga nadadagdag pang mga kanta (so far), is ‘yung panunumbalik ng anxiety ko. Hindi ko naman nararamdaman na depressed ako, pero siguro, kailangan kong basahin ‘yung librong pinahiram ko kay Ferry—or let’s just say na hindi nga siguro talaga ako okay dahil ilang araw na rin na masama ang pakiramdam ko, and what I want to do is to kill myself. Nararamdaman ko ‘yung mga bagay na nararamdaman ko nu’ng 21 ako na gusto kong saksakin ng kutsilyo ‘yung dibdib ko para matapos na ang paghihirap, or simply die without causing any pain. Just vanish. It’s something I don’t know how to achieve, but my intentions are very clear—sa isip-isip ko, gusto ko lang siguro na mamatay (minsan) kasi pagod ako, at hindi na katulad ng dati na nagagawan ng solusyon katulad ng pagpunta ulit sa Arayat para maging okay. Sa sitwasyon ngayon, mapapaisip ako na bakit kailangan kong bumalik ng Arayat? Sa pagkakaalala ko, tapos na ‘yung misyon ko du’n simula nu’ng pumunta ako doon at umuulan pa nu’ng time na ‘yun pero keri lang. Naging mahaba lang ang eksena dahil sa pagiging delusional ko… when in fact, it’s not actually a delusion. It’s more of keeping a promise to myself and to what I prayed before. Pwede kayang manalangin ulit na binabawi ko na ngayon ‘yung mga hiniling ko dati? At kung hihiling man ako, mayroon kayang magiging kapalit?

Tinatamad na naman niyan akong mag-type kahit na marami pa akong ikukuwento. Pwede ko naman siguro sabihin na nagka-detractor ako dahil sa isang walang kwentang concern, saka may pickleball mamaya pero kami lang tatlo ni Erica saka ni Ms. Maya ang maglalaro—but my concern mostly is how am I supposed to finish June without tearing myself to pieces, because I don’t want to feel this way. It’s more like I don’t want to end up being this tough to myself, and ilang weeks na rin na hindi malinis itong kwarto at kusina dahil sa mga kagagawan ko. Tinatamad akong kumilos, and luckily, I was able to read few chapters of “Anim na Sabado ng Beyblade” when I just realized today na dapat binabasa ko ang bawat chapters ng libro tuwing Sabado, like the ones that I did sa “Tuesdays with Morrie”—and, that, folks, is still associated with Vlad and my coping mechanism when I am grieving because of him. That’s somehow weird.

I can play “eternal sunshine” album by Ariana Grande or Olivia Rodrigo’s “you seem so pretty sad for a girl so in love,” but what comes next after doing it? Pickleball… then what comes next after pickleball? Going home to do scroll my feed on Facebook, message Mhac, and call it a day. Then what comes next after that? Ano pa ‘yung mga kailangan kong gawin sa mga araw na ito?

Kailangan ko nga sigurong pumunta ng Arayat, or worse scenario, sa Clark. Maghahanap ako ng sagot sa mga tanong kanina na nasagot ko na. Magpapanggap na lang ako na “unwinding” ‘yung gagawin ko, I guess. After that period, what comes next?

What comes next? What comes next? What comes next?

Geez. I feel like there’s something that I need to do but I can’t figure it out. I must say, I am losing my grip, but what am I supposed to do? The redundancy at its finest.

Siguro, nagba-backtrack lang ako ng past kasi hindi ko na magagawa ‘to once I entered college.

Fudge… oo nga! Alam ko na!

Vlad struggled during his college days, and he’s the only one on his family who finished college. And he finished industrial engineer, which is fascinating! And now he’s going everywhere with his car… he achieved his goal. He’s travelling for miles, and it’s because of his dedication and passion. Geez! Siguro, kulang lang ako ng motivation dahil sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung ano na naman ang haharapin ko sa college life ko—college life as a working student. I need to build something to myself na ikaka-proud ko kahit hindi naman talaga ako proud sa sarili ko. Or dahil siguro mababa lang ang kaligayahan ko—sapat na sa akin na tumitig na lang sa paligid at huminga. Kailangan ko ng inspirasyon para bumangon araw-araw kahit na mahirap at wala akong support system.

I need to do it on my own even if I’m literally alone… with the help of God; with the help of Vlad and his stories. I should fill myself with love (which I strongly hate, eww) and think that there are still ways to be fine. I need Vlad mostly than the previous moments when I needed him… kaya siguro napapanaginipan ko siya.

Ang tanong… siguro lang ba? Ang hirap na dine-deny ko na minahal ko si Vlad, eh. Doon sa cringe na part ako nasusuka saka doon sa part na nag-tanga-tangahan acting challenge ako, but that’s what really happened during those periods that I can’t filter, and Vlad himself can’t deny that those things happened, at sa palagay ko ay binabaon na rin niya ‘yun sa limot, lalo na, naka-experience siya ng pambabasted this year lang.

Imagine, after 5 years, brokenhearted na naman si Vlad. And ako naman, curious pa rin sa buhay at curious pa rin sa kung ano ang gagawin pero tamad at walang energy… I’ll simply do it, anyway.

Kung hindi lang talaga ako tanga, baka sa tingin ko, kahit papaano eh nag-uusap pa rin kami ni Vlad or maybe I am still keeping in touch with him. That’s what I hate about loving eh. Nakakasira talaga. Pero hindi naman ako makakarating sa sitwasyon ko ngayon kung hindi rin dahil sa heartache ko. Baka successful nga ako sa buhay ngayon pero hindi ako masaya sa puder ng pamilya ko, maraming “what comes next” pa ang maiisip ko nu’n siguro. Hindi naman ako resilient na tao, pero okay na rin siguro na natis ko sila ng maraming taon. Kaya nga lang, kailangan kong harapin ang buhay nang mag-isa, and I can’t believe I was able to do it for 4 years and counting. I want to go home but the situation tells me that I can’t. Kaya, sa ngayon, ganito muna.

And to Vlad… I don’t know why I still think of you up to this day, and my answers earlier are only based on what I assumed to make myself feel better, but I bet you won’t dare to think about me the way I think about you… I don’t want to make any promises anymore that is associated with you or anyone in your life, but God knows exactly what’s going to happen. I’ll wait, and we both see. Hindi naman siguro magkukrus ang landas natin basta-basta nang wala lang. May iniisip ako na, “what if, tapos na talaga” pero sa tingin ko, hindi pa. Hindi pa talaga tapos.

Hi, yes.

I'm bad not to put my foot on someone's shoe because how am I supposed to put mine in the first place when I know the shoe doesn't fit? I have my eyes to observe. I won't take a risk of hurting my feet when I ONLY HAVE MYSELF to walk—and if I tried and stumbled, I can gaslight myself for saying “at least I tried” without thinking of a cane to help me walk. So tell me, am I a bad person?

If you agree with my own question, then, I-give ko na sa ’yo.

I'm bad because I don't have this kind of so-called empathy to always say sorry even it's not my fault, but I have a moral compass. I'm more of being objective because I learned it that way. I'll be subjective if the environment says so for the sake of humanity. I'm bad but good to be true. I AM MAYBE A MONSTER BUT I AM NOT A PARASITE.

I'm bad because people say I'm dismissing their feelings when I'm trying to dig in a sensitive topic, and when I don't say something about my take, I am called a person with no soul because they tend to think I'm situating myself away in distance or probably assuming I don't care. I CAN ADJUST. BUT I CAN'T WITHSTAND IF I'LL LET MYSELF SHUT WHEN IT'S MY CALLING TO SAY SOMETHING EVEN IF IT HURTS.

I'm bad because I'm not a people pleaser. I tried because of love, and it consumed about 3/4 of my blood and a sip of beer I swear I won't do it again.

I'm bad because I loved animals than people. The highest form of earthly life are human beings—but with filters, lies, and oppression originated from the mankind themselves, who would agree that animals are wiser at this point? Of course, me, because I'm bad.

I'm bad when people assume they can hurt me but they won't. The only heartaches I had in my life are three: Mama, Vlad, and a message from a teacher from the past. The rest, let's say they're under the category of "tolerable pain". I made tons of articles recycled all over again, so you can excuse yourself for saying foul words. I learned it better at home but I knew people do it the best. I'd rather curse than to be a narcissist.

I'm bad when I'm trying to say that toxic positivity is harmful for our wellbeing, and here comes the people who want me to agree on everything they say. My answer is NO, simply if you only do what's self-serving and regardless if you called me "insensitive" when it was you who plays the part of an insensitive guy, let's just toss a coin and let it decide who's the cheeky one between us.

Hello, yes.

I'm a product of having good parents and turned bad. I won't worry how I approach people. I'm worrying how people misinterpreted MY MUSINGS.

Saturday

5:04 PM

Most of the good people I encountered are those heavy drinkers, constant smokers, and potty-mouthed. The evil ones are those my ex-friends going to church (and even the head of the church himself, not-a-LOL funfact). I had lots of experiences I wish I had the urge to say, but I'll let the time to pass by before doing so, or probably I'll shrug my shoulders... and as an act of service, I'll pretend that nothing happened. Nah, nothing happened in your dreams!

I won't put the blame with anyone like what I used to joke whenever I have the *blink* dull mishaps, but from what I observed with the happenings from January up to this day, I guess I am not that evil at all, and those you guys admire on social media are actually, surprisingly, more evil that I thought. They're more evil than a wolf dressed as a sheep!

Social media is corrupted with it's own ideologies coming from the stupid people telling everyone to be kind but it's not as easy as you all think, coming from me as a person who was manipulated and I gained a ton of trust issues. So don't come after me—I learned a useful, powerful word this year: NO. HELL NO.

I won't claim I'm good, but I'm good of not being pretentious or good at acting with self-righteousness, unlike those who I encountered this year—no, stop making efforts to try changing my mind. When I'm mad, I'm mad.  I am more horrible than Henry.

All I did this whole year 'round is to badmouth. It's no good at all, but it'll be gruesome if I'll tell the reasons. It's a hard pill to swallow that I wish I never talked to strangers. I wish I believed in my instincts. I wish I never showed the vulnerable side of me and behaved.

I don't have the right to judge people based on what their chosen tracks are or what their motive of doing such eerie spectacles. I accept that people can lie in front of me. Neither I won't expect that people will treat each other nicely... I guess we are only after the survival thing and forgetting the accountability thing.

No, don't call yourselves Elphaba when you scumbags are Madame Morribles. Flip it around... y'all wicked witches.

This year is bountiful of joys and sticks. Hence, the joysticks. I am played. We played the game for the best. I know what exactly will happen for the next couple of days, but I'll simply wait.

This waiting era took me a year. Mind-blowing. Phew.

Monday

2:27 PM

I refuse to destroy myself only because of the things you did. I won't filter what was true and I don't really care if you'll make a counter attack—if there's something that triggers you to make a tactic to manipulate my feelings, it means you're not a grown-up man. You've been selfish more than I've been selfless that I should've been productive on my own terms instead of pleasing you with your lowkey demands.

I used to blame myself because I had this sense of being guilty after I cursed at you when what all I did is to protect myself from causing stress because of you. I had this thinking that I should be careful with my own words and should took the situation lighter but it's actually good that I went over extremes to point out that you're wrong, you're giving me mixed signals—and you're rocking on a boat with a person like me.

I thank God for making me realize this after two years. I am thankful that my companionship with you is totally over. Now, what I have to think for the next couple of months is to shrug this intense feeling and recheck the traffic lights.

Being kind is something that is not applicable of me. I'm always at the state of survival; being kind is definitely for those only who deserves it; I won't be kind for someone who despise me and treating me unfairly. I already gave myself so much that I realized there's almost nothing left aside from the blank papers I have—I wasn't able to write for a couple of weeks since I have to figure out what was causing this feeling that hurts me but I can't cry, which is way hurtful.

I'm not a good person but at least I know now that I'm not an angel in disguise.

I am seen. I exist. It's something that you should never refuse to anyone especially in social media because on those times at your lowest, I was there. You are not alone because I was on your side; I am not just a shadow or a ghost; you are aware that I made courses to understand you. I don't need to be disrespected that you had the control when I my choices. And of course you won't believe in "compromise" thing. The truth is that I am not even in your long-term goals.

Now, it's my turn to understand myself why I am not sticking with the ideology of me I wrote when I was 19. I'll keep looking on that essay and I will cause this day a heartbreaking but a warm day. I won't tolerate your disguised, masked attitude anymore. I should let things pass but I won't regret this weird pain that I need to overcome.

Sincerely,

Sunday

8:17 AM

In friendships or relationships, sana 'wag niyo akong pigilan na gawin 'yung mga bagay na gusto kong gawin. The things I want to do are my personal choice that benefits me to be good, and it's something that shouldn't be a hindrance to make me eventually think of cutting myself off with you.

The reason why I might not into relationship for more than 3 years is this one; my relationships have a fair, good communication, but it's lacking depth in terms of understanding. Not all things that works for you is something that works from me. Minsan nami-mislabel kasi bakit ba raw hindi ako mag-compromise (compromise?) kasi dapat sinusunod ko kung ano gusto niya—pero looking at the picture, saan ako? Nasa'n 'yung puwang ko?

For an instance, naaalala ko 'yung I don't want to go out kasi I am really tired pero imbes na makipagtalo, sumunod na lang ako. 'Yun lang naman 'yung bibihirang pagkakataon na humingi ako ng favor pero 'yung gusto niya 'yung sinunod ko kasi kung may sasabihin pa ako, nauuwi sa pagtatalo.

'Yung instance that I am required to respond every now and then of what I am doing tapos kapag gusto ko lang humiga and take a nap for a couple of minutes, tapos kapag 'di naka-reply, sasabihin agad na "meron akong ibang ka-chat" or malalang approach is sasabihan ako na "lumalandi" like who the hell are you to say that.

'Yung pagkakataon that you want to know me better but you stop me talking about my past relationships and you conclude that I was wrong to do that when you're the one who asked it and you initially compare our relationship from my past and then conclude that I should stick with my ex.

Or 'yung terrible experience ko this year lang na someone's asking me to respond even sa text nu'ng time na nag-deactivate ako ng socmed nu'ng September and I don't literally want to communicate to ALL. That I want to do things all by myself. I've been doing it since I am drained enough of what I am seeing and I want to stick on my goals to finish reading my books. I made him feel terrible by saying unkind words and said how he is irresponsible when it comes to what I feel just to cut ties with him (kasi 'yun na rin ang last resort ko; hindi na nadadaan sa simpleng instructions or pakiusap). That until now I still feel the guilt as I am accountable of how I delivered my words, but it's also a keynote saying I only did fine because I expressed my emotions, I am agitated, and I am honest. I only had this guilt kasi may mga promises ako na I want to do and kayang-kaya ko siyang gawin ngayon, but what for? People just can't handle my personality yet they claim they understand me the way I want myself to understand them. Ako pa ang nagiging selfish. Tapos kukuwestiyunin ko kung in general, ako ang mali.

Nami-miss ko 'yung ideya na simple lang. Meeting halfway. Walang kuskos balungos. Kung sasabihin niya na busy siya, okay lang sa akin. Kung ako naman ang may ginagawa, naiintindihan niya.

Ayaw ko na nu'ng ideya na sinasakal ako na parang mga bagay ako na scope ko lang, tapos limited lang 'yung pwede kong gawing as a friend or as a lover. 

Like, paulit-ulit kong sinasabi, madali lang maghanap ng karelasyon or platonic bond these days, pero mahirap i-align 'yung traits niyong dalawa; mahirap maging compatible at mas lalong mahirap na maging consistent lalo na kung one-sided approach 'yung ganap at nasasakripisyo 'yung personal goals dahil sa relationship goals.

Sa mga ganitong eksena ko inuulit-ulit 'yung "One More Chance" ni Bea saka ni John Lloyd kapag may pagkakataong gusto ko lang isulat 'yung mga bagay na kinaiinisan ko to find relief.

Let's be real: sa tuwing ng winnings natin, nandu'n pa rin ako sa ideya na there's no one I can talk on how excited and thankful I am, or kapag may stressful na nangyayari, gusto kong mag-rant pero wala akong mapagsabihan.

Sunday

4:17 AM

Sa mga pagkakataong gan'to 'yung oras at wala pa akong ginagawa, ang una kong gagawin ay iisipin 'yung mga journals na sinulat ko noon at ikukumpara ko 'yun sa mga nagawa ko na ngayon.

'Tang ina—ilang beses pala akong naligaw. Nando'n na ako sa peak na umaayos ang lahat, pero may mga desisyon ako na hindi pinag-isipan nang mabuti. 'Yung tipong, sana, lumagi na lang ako sa kwarto at nagpahinga kaysa sa pakiutin ko ulit 'yung sarili sa environment na 'di nakakakilala sa sitwasyon na meron ako. Either I'll be judged, either I'll be accepted but it's all for the show dahil temporary lang 'yun, o 'di kaya, seasonal.

Let's just say, 'di siguro tama na kalimutan ko si Vlad sa masamang paraan. I remember the times when I am happy because he had lots of things to achieve, and he's doing good at his job, that it makes me believe of his full potential.

Hindi naman ganu'n kasama 'yung iisipin ko siya in a good way, because it took me years to realize that what he did was right, that I should be more mature, that I should be capable of making things my own dahil 'yun naman talaga ang nakatakda sa akin. Now, nauunawaan ko na sa mga pagkakataong nakinig ako sa kanya ng mga kwento niya, 'yun din ang pagkakataon na meron dapat akong matutunan sa kanya.

I don't want to assume that I want to be like him, but I want to be like him in a sense that I am strong enough not to make other people control my decisions. Ilang beses nang naunsiyami mga plano ko sa sarili dahil wala akong ibang ginawa kun' 'di isipin 'yung welfare ng ibang tao. Tama na siguro 'yung pinaikot ko 'yung sarili ko sa mga tao na 'di kayang mag-reciprocate ng mga efforts ko. 'Di naman actually required, pero 'yung ideya na wala akong napapala at all, ibang usapan na 'yun.

It's cringe, but I am being honest... I wish I was able to take it from here, na 'di naman pala ako required na mag-move on, or move forward pa nga dahil wala namang masasabing "on"—I should've been more careful on making tweaks and adjustments to make my life a way easier, na 'di ko kailangang maging hard sa sarili ko, that I should be fixing what is obviously needs to be fixed and I shouldn't make things worse, especially my bread and butter (work).

Situations, perhaps, are those of I don't usually dig in these past few months, but the good thing is that while on my beast mode, I'm starting to ne more careful and aware of the possible outcome that may happen if my intuitive thoughts won. I can act like being disappointed, I can be angry, but I have to note myself that there's also a time to take things lightly, and that I need to calm down.

And this is something that I don't learned to no one but Vlad. It's absurd that I am talking about these things, but you know, it's the fucking reality. I have to be brutal yet sound like I care but I should only be selective on what I care and who should I care.

Tama lang pala na tinatarantado ko 'yung iba para aware sila na tinatarantado rin nila ako. It's not something that is called vengeance, but it's more on making them realized that I'm a human. I am drowned with them kasi lahat na lang yata ng tao ginagawa akong trauma dump.

I'm happy I was able to resonate craps ahead of me before the new week starts. 

I am grateful that Vlad popped up in my head. Napasabi ako ng shit, but in a good way.

Saturday

8:41 AM

Friday

11:02 AM

Thursday

11:50 AM

Kausap ko siya, at sinabi ko na nais kong makilala bilang isang masamang tao.

Mas madali akong makilala kahit sambitin lang ang pangalan ko. Doon ka manlulumo't maiinis. Maaalala mo kung paano kita minura. Maiisip mo na gumanti ng suntok. Bibilangin mo ang mga kamalian ko. Maiisip mo na bakit ikaw ang kailangang magdusa kung wala ka namang ginawang masama sa akin. Iisipin mo na ikaw 'yung palaging umiintindi at nakikinig at ako naman ang may sarado na pag-iisip. May bigat kang mararamdaman sa dibdib. Alam mong maaayos pa ang lahat kung naging bukas lang ang loob ko na alalahanin at pagaanin ang sitwasyon natin pero nagmatigas ako. Mapagtatanto mo na hindi ito ang unang beses na tinarantado kita. Matututo ka nang magmura kahit hindi mo iyon ginagawa. Hindi ka mapalagay kung nanghihina ka o kumukulo ang dugo mo. Ipipilit mong ibura ang mga nangyari sa ating dalawa pero 'di kaya ng isip na lumimot.

Ayaw kitang lumimot.

Friday

10:51 PM

You're sharing things about love language, but you can't read my body language. Hey—when I looked at you sharply, it means it's a warning sign but I was dismissed by simply ignoring my look.

You're asking for connections but you don't know how my eyes speak. I almost dropped my eyeballs. I thought you are a person who appreciates little things and you appreciate our moments, but you're stopping me for patting my hand on your head or at least acknowledge that I'm tired and I need a rest, but I still managed to wake up just to see you and while I appreciate your time, I don't appreciate what are the things happening around because my mind's foggy, and what I'm picturing is me, getting enough sleep on my bed.

Tuesday

XX:XX PM

I'm the typical person who is interested of knowing the life of a person. I adore. I cherish. I sacrifice. I'm making ends meet—but I also believe that it should be reciprocated. If I asked a person what he wants, he'll ask me the same thing even I won't demand to share what's mine. The person will trust me to share even his darkest days without me asking or waiting for the moment where everything should be natural to be a flicker. We give and take. Pure love should not be scary; otherwise, it won't be considered as love. I believe it'll be agony.

There's bravery in holding on, but letting go for good is what I think is the bravest. If problems can't be fixed by serious talks or apologies, it means it won't be mendable. It's like burning a piece of paper turned into ashes. There's no way of turning the ashes back into paper. If the feeling is not peaceful, it's not considerer as love. It's more like a puke. 

Don't fall for mixed signals. There's a major chance you'll lose yourself to feel less to no assurance on dwelling an odd man.

Don't fall just you saw his good attributes. Remember: an image can be deceitful. A good character is not something that he should proclaim. Know his weakness. Know his whereabouts.

Don't fall just because he shared you his ambitions and dreams for the future. If he describes it in a way he says "I" instead of "we", then you're not a part of his ambitions and dreams for the future. Back off. Stay away.

Saturday

1:17 PM

You're my BEST of FRIENDS if:

1. You knew what happened to me last 2019.

2. You tasted my Mama's recipe for manong's sauce and/or siopao.

3. You knew who is Art Russel in my life.

4. You knew I have favourite colours other than brown.

5. You knew Dr. Rigette's hugot lines.

6. I gave you a handwritten letter and you know I also love receiving one.

7. We talked about Area 51, close encounter of a third kind, and Betty and Barney hill.

8. You knew my favourite cartoon character.

9. We talked about sort of things while eating fries.

10. You knew my favorite time of the day—no, it's not 11:11.

11. You borrowed something that is very important to me.

12. You knew the reason why I curse.

Wednesday

1:37 PM

Saturday

11:40 AM

August… This must be the eighth month of the year. August, when the time is faster than what I am expecting to. This is the month wherein I am quite puzzled to the things that are happening around. Every bad thing and moments are in sequence, and I can’t define or explain how this month empties my soul while there’s a lot of going on inside my head. This is no good to me. I am tired, but I feel like I don’t deserve to rest. If only God forbids, maybe I’ll happen to give myself a little cry. My head weighs differently than the last couple of days.

 I am out of the blue. I had this sense of placing my knuckles on the other palm of my hand. I twist and turn. I am falling into this kind of idea that I have to explain something but I can’t find the right terms to solidify or validate my emotions. I’m locked. I’m pressed. I’m rocking on the same spot where I used to linger those moments. But they’re somehow gone, and these strange familiarity—the numbness and ache felt at the same time—they’re waiting for the signal to break me into pieces.

I might not be a good friend. I might not be the one to rely on. I might be imperfect. I might consider myself as a total crap. A giver but can only give nothing. A lover, but loving in secret. A person, but scared to show how much I care—because I am destined to be tough. I won’t make myself crashed with some stupid analogies of Cupid. My suffering is dictated to what I am reading or listening. 

I can be happy with myself. I can stand. I can dance in the rain. I can think of ways to not call of the attention of those people who are destructing me. Those people who used me. I might be their trauma dump. I might be used like this, but not forever. There are hundred chances that I might miss the afternoons but that’s okay, as long as the afternoon’s what can make me feel safe. I can live without him; without those people I am no longer communicating with. I’ll wear my vest and bring my horns back. I’ll curse in the wind, I won’t be eager to toss a coin. I’ll count with my fingers. I’ll roll with the punches.

I am 25. I should know better. I shouldn’t do overlaps or do the same mistakes again. I am 25. I should be rocking the world and I shouldn’t give a damn about the rollercoasters of other people. I am 25. I am definitely concerned about what I should come up with my next chapter.

I should not let myself mortified by anyone.

I am Bern. I am burning.

Saturday

9:43 PM

”Nexus”

Puzzle, polen, giddy, I

Monterey, qadi, pebble, rye

Random words in constant line

Overdosage sickening; eye?

Chin, chin, droop, flamingos, stye

Honking after drinking wine

Silences in capsules, vy

Incognito blocking, my

Rainbow in bookcover, ply

Clandestine meet—is it right?

Gaining and losing might fine,

Stop, wait, go—what are these signs?

Wearing my Achilles heel

Triangle: a shape of square—

Illusion, illusion, illusion!

Park the tip of the pen on the pad

Lose the count 'til count lose its sound

Won't count the star, even the key of pound

And... swat... the cripple 'til I found...

the tick, tick, tick; the hoof, the moan

a day in a life to heal,