Unfurled

So, you're a wash out from the previous season that, when given the choice between you and 24 other dull, narcissistic, high functioning alcoholics, she passed on you? Uh, yeah, I'm here until my Instagram hits 200k then I dip. (at Death of A Salesman) https://www.instagram.com/p/B8c6Tvgps1v/?igshid=qroa3iumjenq

The second to last thing I ever want to do to you is to once again ask for your financial support, yet here we are. (at The Hurt) https://www.instagram.com/p/B8Ng181pikw/?igshid=beyma5nvnzxq

It's built into or DNA, fight or flight or harmonize (at Oh) https://www.instagram.com/p/B8FL1A-Jxy-/?igshid=1sho5j6rt4ry9

But just imagine she says yes bro, and you get to shell out $97 for 4 hours of uncomfortable back and forth and awkward silence, all the while holding in crippling flatulence as you slowly come to the realization that your crush of 9 years is the least interesting person you've ever met. But then again it could be fun, but then again, you could be traumatized and scarred irreparably for life. Go get her bro (at Mass Destruction Production) https://www.instagram.com/p/B77Ly7KpIqY/?igshid=6cglo2f9teo5

"Did I just hit a second red light in a row on my way to work?! (Whispering to myself as I think of co workers, service industry workers, fellow drivers, loved ones and strangers): "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil inconveniences. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon everyone with great vengeance and furious anger, those who would attempt to poison and destroy me and my precious time; and you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!" https://www.instagram.com/p/B7wJNGipIvM/?igshid=1072eccrbsmoj

I have a degree in hard knocks. Every assignment I handed in was followed by a hard, cruel and accurate assessment of my inability. This unmerciful beating administered to my ego and self-worth that never transferred into personal growth or improved intelligence will not only save you tens of thousands in debt, but a chance at a successful future void of haunting, harsh, insightful criticisms that I also had to pay for, metaphorically. (at Punjab College) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7mpjUAJ8VK/?igshid=1d92t61dqqq12

"This lady voted wrong.... Let's see here.... 'Freedom isn't free' outta turn this guy around. Telling this group that their focus on wheelchair accessibility shows they don't care about the blind will surely do some good....oh yes, medical debates, this is going to take up the better part of an afternoon, but someone's gotta insert their opinion and straighten others out and if I, a below average loser doesn't do it, some other imbecile will." https://www.instagram.com/p/B7ZmnPIpohW/?igshid=1ul0e6makl0s5

I miss the good old days when news outlets reported on famine, pestilence, murders, wars and spelling bee champions. Take me back (at Shut Up I Love You ok) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7OrOUgp0wl/?igshid=1w94yjqtvb1tt

(at the murder trial) "After hearing the evidence put forth and given the persistent onslaught of what can only be described as intentional abuse and a point of incredible annoyance, a jury of your peers would like to publicly thank you, you're free to go." *a juror grabbing the mic and speaking into it much too loud and close"...and let this serve as a warning to Jerry in accounting." (at Dead Man Walking) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7Hk-JwJWx-/?igshid=95abouco7x3g

Passive, residual friendship. Others will be making you new friends when you're on vacation, even whilst you sleep. You'll be doing the things you enjoy, when and where you want with loved ones so you don't have to make or see these new friends yourself. (at The Living Room) https://www.instagram.com/p/B6_tIwMJ5Xv/?igshid=ott8tjx7fock

Can't wait for 5G to be capturing our best looks from every angle at all times in every possible lighting and location. Just show up to the west desert alone, hit angles and try looks for half an hour and the federal government will have something for the Gram, your stories, TikTok and Grinder. (at Applebee's Grill + Bar) https://www.instagram.com/p/B6gGUI5Jfl2/?igshid=14v8lankekjeu

While I appreciate facts, science and truth; there is one thing I value above all else- my humble, indisputable opinion. (at Utah Correctional Industries) https://www.instagram.com/p/B6Yigvzp34C/?igshid=isnus9o7kt02

The best things in life are free but require large sums of money to get there, sleep, eat and generally survive; but the laughter, friendship, memories and love shared is priceless, if you don't exceed your PTO. (at Work) https://www.instagram.com/p/B6OoP7HJ2wB/?igshid=15zmdffiujep9

If parenting came in 8 minute spurts I'd be mother Teresa (at Layton, Utah) https://www.instagram.com/p/B5oufCBpUZ9/?igshid=tsw7plxwmxca

One gender reveal to rule them all and in the nuclear fallout, bind them. (at Gonzo) https://www.instagram.com/p/B5RIUbgp08D/?igshid=1hg2qq2kz3xsl

There's no way I could have surmised that my commute would pattern itself identically and consistently every single day. One can't plan for these foreseen, known, non-variables. （在 The Same.） https://www.instagram.com/p/B5ELB7rps87/?igshid=1hq0pvg579nsh

"Millennials are lazy, entitled, selfish and poor." "Ok boomer." "Who taught you to speak like that?!" . . . . #boomer #memes #funny #jokes #truth #sarcasm #nonsense (at OKBoomer) https://www.instagram.com/p/B43I3iTJSmJ/?igshid=188upvwgodluo