Kimyanggg

1. Focus on my education, my studies.

As a student, I need to make sure that I am taking care of my studies. It is also one of many ways to practice being responsible.

2. Take care of myself, both my hygiene and my health.

As an adolescent, I need to make sure that I am healthy, for I will not be able to do numerous things if I am weak and sick. Also, the body and the mind are important in my journey as an adolescent.

3. Practice good-thinking.

As an adolescent, I need to think about things carefully before actually doing it. Critical thinking is one of the many types of good-thinking and it is always the one frequently used. I need to practice self-control as well as self-discipline, there are numerous situations where the mind is more useful than the heart.

4. Know my limitations.

As an adolescent, teenage hormones can get into me, so I need to do my best in resisting temptations, bad actions, and earthly pleasures to become truly responsible.

5. Be responsible for your actions.

Hi, it is I, your precious Tantan, the one and only. I hope you guys know that I love you, even though I can be a little harsh and hard-headed sometimes. I’m not the expressive type, and I get anxious every time I expose my real self, but I know that you guys are there for me, always had been there for me. The two of you are the reason why I’m still standing, why I’m still fighting the battles inside my own head, and I love you for it. I know you guys just wanted the best for me, and I’m sorry for the negative reactions that I have given, as it is a part of my development as an adolescent, but I am striving and trying my best to control myself and put my trust on the both of you, something I clearly am failing. It isn’t easy to just hand out trusts, but you guys have been there for me even when I was small, and it should’ve earned the two of you the right to be given my trust, but it’s just hard. I do now know what you guys are thinking about me right now, but you guys have been really helpful, even though sometimes I don’t react like it.

Tito, I know you only want the best for me, and I know that you love me. Both you and mama complement each other, all you are is amazing, and even though I don’t show it, I appreciate everything. You have been nothing but selfless, I know you've sacrificed many things for me, and I'm sorry if I was not able to show you that I do care, because I just can't. You were there to support me and lift me up, sacrificing your own desires in the process, I know everything you did for me, but I chose not to act upon it because maybe, just maybe, I am afraid of what you'll think if I show you my real self.

Probably my most embarrassing experience was when I was in 10th grade, and I had a major crush on an older student who is part of a dance club, which indicates that he’s a dancer. He was a Supreme Student Government officer as well, and during that time, they were collecting funds for a teacher who recently had passed away.

It was during English class when they walked into our classroom, him and a girl I don’t really care about. Me, who is really outspoken, had revealed to all of my classmates that I feel deep affection towards the guy, and so when they entered, all of them looked at me. I felt all their eyes boring into mine, smug smiles plastered on their faces as they wiggled their eyebrows, eyes filled with malice. They started giggling, which made our English teacher look over and asked, loud and clear, “What are you guys laughing at?”. My classmates, who loved annoying me, told our teacher, in front of him, the guy I had a crush on. “Kim has a crush on him!” And they all ‘ayieed’ in unison, the sound made my heart race, especially when he looked over to me. All I could think of that time was, ‘Do I look good? Do I look okay?’, ‘Why would they out me like this, even my teacher is joining them.’ and ‘How does he feel about this? He’s straight as a pole, it would be really awkward.’. I felt so embarrassed, conscious, anxious but grateful at the same time, because my classmates confessed to him for me. I averted my gaze of course, I was too embarrassed to look him in the eye, I looked down to hide my flustered face and focused on my notebook instead. But then my teacher, who was grinning widely, decided that it should be me who’d collect the money and give it to him. And so I did, I collected the money and walked over to him, to the guy I had a crush on, and he was smiling at me, so freaking gorgeous. My hands were shaking when I passed him the money, and as a result, I dropped some onto the floor when I poured it onto his open palm. Embarrassed yet again, I shuffled away and went back to my seat, leaving him to pick it all up because I was too embarrassed to help.

"WHO ARE YOU?"

Who am I? I actually have no idea. For others, I am a friend, for some I am an enemy. I might be a love interest, I might just be a background character, but personally? I have no idea.

I am Kim Tristan Corpuz Lonzaga, a friend, a son, a family, an acquaintance, a lover and a stranger. I can be many things at once, I can be a friend and a son at the same time, I can be a lover and a stranger at the same time. But, it all varies if I like it or not. It all starts with me, my preference, my desires and my wants. Do I want to be a friend? Do I want to be a stranger? The answer is yes, yes I do. I can only be something if I want to be that something, I can only be a friend if I choose to continue being a friend, I can only be a stranger if I choose not to introduce myself. I am aware of my faults, and I am doing my best to change myself, slowly, piece by piece.

But, who am I?

I am myself, because I chose to. I am gay, and I chose that. I am Kim, because I chose that. I am someone who dreams, who loves, who keeps, who strives, I am someone who lives, because I chose to.

I have dreams, I have goals I wish to reach, I have failures like all normal people. People might think that my life is an open book because of how outspoken I am, but behind the ink plastered on every pages is an invisible one. My book of life might look thin, but every pages hide a secret, secrets that I'm afraid to spill.

Kim rarely trusts, Kim is harsh, Kim is frank, Kim is funny, Kim is a jerk.

Yes, I am all of that, because I have many sides. I show what I want to show to the people I want to show to, maybe that's why I have lost my sense of individuality. I have made too many sides to meet people's eyes and expectations I have no idea which is the real one, but one thing is for sure, I am Kim and I choose to be who I want. I may not know who I am today, but I will be. I will know who the real me is, behind the veil of many faces and emotions, behind the masks I wear everyday. I will discover who I am, and I will wear it bare with my head held high, because under every mask is a face, and someday I'll be able to uncover mine.

I am me, because I chose to.

ᐯ丨ㄖㄥ乇ㄒ:

ㄒ卄乇丨尺 千丨尺丂ㄒ 乇几匚ㄖㄩ几ㄒ乇尺

Tʜᴇ ᴡɪɴᴅ ʙʟᴇᴡ ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴏᴀᴅ, ᴡɪᴛʜ ɪᴛ ᴀʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇssᴇɴᴄᴇ ᴏғ sᴘʀɪɴɢ. Nᴇᴡ ʟɪғᴇ ʙʟᴏᴏᴍɪɴɢ.

тнe raιn ѕтopped a wнιle ago, вυт нeld вy мy нandѕ ιѕ тнe нandle oғ мy υмвrella. ι ѕтopped вeѕιde тнe вυѕ ѕтop, мy eyeѕ roaмιng aroυnd тнe ѕтreeт. тнe тreeѕ on тнe oтнer ѕιde oғ тнe road are lιvely and colorғυl, ιт waѕ мagnιғιcenт. вυт тнe ѕιgнт waѕ вlocĸed wнen тнe вυѕ caмe.

тнe вυѕ ѕтopped ιn ғronт oғ мe, тнe door тнen ѕlιd open. ι вraced мyѕelғ ғroм тнe aιr-condιтιoned тeмperaтυre oғ тнe вυѕ' ιnѕιde. ι pυlled мy pυrple ѕweaтer cloѕer тo мy вody and enтered.

ι walĸed тo тнe neareѕт eмpтy ѕeaт and graввed тнe нolder нangιng on тнe ceιlιng oғ тнe вυѕ.

мy eyeѕ wenт вacĸ тo тнe vιew on тнe oυтѕιde oғ тнe вυѕ. on тнe oтнer ѕιde oғ тнe road, вeнιnd тнe ғenceѕ, were тнe colorғυl and newly ѕprυng тreeѕ.

мy eyeѕ drιғтed ғroм тнe тreeѕ тo тнe ιnѕιde oғ тнe вυѕ, and тo мy ѕυrprιѕe, ι ѕaw a gυy wearιng тнe ѕaмe pυrple ѕweaтer aѕ мιne. нιѕ нead waѕ ғacιng тнe glaѕѕ wιndow oғ тнe вυѕ.

a ѕмιle мade ιтѕ way тo мy ғace, 'wнaт a coιncιdence'.

ι тнen walĸed тo тнe eмpтy ѕeaт вeѕιde нιм and ѕaт.

нe noтιced мy ѕυdden appearance and тυrned нιѕ нead тo ғace мe. нιѕ нaιr waѕ вlown вy тнe wιnd ғroм тнe aιr-condιтιonιng and нιѕ eyeѕ were ғυll oғ qυeѕтιon. нe looĸed aт мe тнen тo мy pυrple ѕweaтer тнen тo нιѕ own pυrple ѕweaтer. нιѕ conғυѕιon aroѕe. вυт тнen, нe тoo, ѕмιled.

ι laυgнed, ѕeeιng тнe cнangeѕ oғ нιѕ ғacιal eхpreѕѕιonѕ wιтн мy very own eyeѕ. нe тoo, ѕιlenтly laυgнed.

ι looĸed aт нιм and ѕтυdιed нιѕ ғace.

нe'ѕ нandѕoмe, wιтн нιѕ well-deғιned noѕe and тнe perғecт ѕнape oғ нιѕ ғace. нe'ѕ ĸιnda angelιc, вυт noт мy тype. ι alѕo noтιced нow нe laυgнed wнen ι laυgнed вeғore, нe'ѕ a ѕнy тype. proвaвly aт нιѕ early-20'ѕ. нιѕ нaιr waѕ overgrown вυт ιn a neaт way.

вυт ι waѕ мeѕмerιzed вy нιѕ eyeѕ, тнey were lιgнт вrown, нazel. тнe ѕυn ѕнιneѕ on ιт and ιт тoo, ѕнιneѕ.

нιѕ lιpѕ were red ғroм тнe cold тeмperaтυre oғ тнe вυѕ. and нιѕ—

"c-can yoυ ѕтop ѕтarιng lιĸe тнaт?" ι waѕ dragged ғroм мy ѕтυdy wнen нe ѕpoĸe. нιѕ voιce ιѕ deep and clear.

ι goт aнold oғ мyѕelғ and ѕaт ѕтraιgнт, мy нead ғacιng ғorward.

"ι'м ѕorry." ι ѕoғтly replιed, eмвarraѕѕмenт clιngιng тo мe.

тнe aιr waѕ ғυll oғ awĸwardneѕѕ. ι gυlped down тнe eмвarraѕѕмenт and вroĸe тнe ѕιlence.

Let's just say

That I'm an investigator

And you are my case;

Two things that are meant together.

You're a mystery

That I'll try to solve

Unending lies

Until truth be told.

But solving you

Means danger

Solving you

Might end your life.

And like a cat

I abandoned my kitten

I left

Just to keep you safe.

But leaving you

Was a mistake

Im sorry Chul-soo ah

I love you, just wait.