Princess Of The Cosmos

Why to so many people I’m so easy to push away, leave and run away from. I give everything to people I love. I endlessly support them. I love them with so much of my fucking soul and it just feels like no matter how much I do I am just seen as temporary.

Sometimes I hate myself for being so full of love because the people who I chose to love the universe decides to push me away from.

And every time my heart is broken.

-and I am tired of feeling broken, actually I’m getting real tired of feeling broken

What would happen if you just disappeared? And when I say dissapeared I mean ran away with one person you loved, to a new place, with a new phone number and no idea where you were headed. Everyone from your past was just a part of who you are now and wasn’t going to be traveling with you there. Would you be missed? Would anyone even wonder where you went or why you no longer made those everyday attempts at a phone call or that morning text message showing that you mattered to that person? Would anyone even come looking for you? 

Cause I will tell you, everyone eventually is tired of one-way streets, one-way relationships, all this all take and no give, and tired of every time you do something that is intended to be good it ends up blowing up in your face. That you think that you’re putting all the good into the world that you really can but would anyone really miss you if you were gone, or would you too just be a memory? Someone who was once a friend, lover or acquaintance. 

-I wish to be so much more than a memory. 

Let go of the desire to hold onto things that aren’t beneficial to you when the thought of losing them breaks your heart?

How to you stop having empathy for those things and cut that tie?

How do you help your heart when it feels like it’s going to shatter?

How do you not feel so alone dealing with it and let it eat you alive?

Why is it so hard to be strong and stay upset?

Why can’t you fix how those people think before it’s too late?

Why is having a gift so hard?

And why does one continuously get burned EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME?

and you sit and deal with all of this and think I DESERVE TO BE TREATED, APPRECIATED AND THOUGHT OF BETTER, ALWAYS AND MORE THEN THIS.

But yet you still make up excuses.

Harsh reality- sometimes you have to move on and leave others.

Not everyone is going to be able to follow you, nor are they going to be able to be saved.

Not until you save yourself.

-if only the heart matched the brain sooner maybe it could be easier

Imagine being able to be laying down falling asleep and not have to question if you’re loved. Imagine looking in the mirror and loving everything you see; not worrying or obsessing over one thing. Imagine being able to hold someone and feel like you’re home. Imagine being truly happy. Now think about what you can do to get there. Nothing comes without hard work, and simplicity sometimes brings the biggest amount of happiness. Sometimes it’s eating your favorite food by an amazing view, or cuddling someone you love, or laughing so hard your stomach hurts, or kissing someone you like and feeling the whole world shake and see bright lights everywhere, or maybe it’s taking a bath and loving the way your hair smells when you brush it. All of these things are simple things that help us stay happy, or keep us alive. 

What are your things? 

What keeps you alive?

Told people that the door to my heart was “always open, come right in.”

But after a while, I realized that the people who were coming inside my heart only pretended to cherish it; therefore- now my heart speaks, “the door is no longer open, go somewhere else.”

Sometimes the heart gets tired of being taken for granted, and sometimes the eyes get tired of crying, and sometimes your soul is tired of being hurt.

And at that point, no one is welcome anymore without bouts of time passed by.

-if only people knew what their actions do to people’s hearts

Will always be filled with constant lessons, learning and hard times where I feel like I want to give up. There is a simple answer to why these things happen; GROWTH. Without challenging yourself, you will never change; but instead remain the same. Sometimes though, growth is painful, shattering, and makes you feel completely empty. Sometimes you have to grow alone, and can’t always have someone to rescue you. And as much as you want someone to pick you up, hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay, you can’t have it. challenging yourself sometimes feels like you’re never going to recover.

-but you shall rise above and keep fighting

Self exploration and getting to know ones self once again after losing yourself can seem like one of the scariest things in the entire world. Well; it is. But that’s the beauty of it. Being scared often hinders growth because change seems so insurmountably terrifying. Well I don’t want to hold myself back anymore, rather push myself forward and more intensely.

-the journey will be worth it.

What would happen if you just disappeared? And when I say dissapeared I mean ran away with one person you loved, to a new place, with a new phone number and no idea where you were headed. Everyone from your past was just a part of who you are now and wasn’t going to be traveling with you there. Would you be missed? Would anyone even wonder where you went or why you no longer made those everyday attempts at a phone call or that morning text message showing that you mattered to that person? Would anyone even come looking for you? 

Cause I will tell you, everyone eventually is tired of one-way streets, one-way relationships, all this all take and no give, and tired of every time you do something that is intended to be good it ends up blowing up in your face. That you think that you’re putting all the good into the world that you really can but would anyone really miss you if you were gone, or would you too just be a memory? Someone who was once a friend, lover or acquaintance. 

-I wish to be so much more than a memory. 

-what does it take to realize the cause of your demise

I had to make a choice to completely isolate myself from my family- the people who are supposed to see me grow and love me through all stages of my life. A lot of those events, I feel will be unseen. I’m doing this, I know I have hurt them, and broke their hearts, but I had to take care of myself.

My brother has been struggling with addiction and I can’t help but feel so distraught about it. When I was younger, I wanted nothing more then to have a brother, someone who could be my companion when I was growing up. God ended up blessing us with my brother, and in the beginning everything seemed so great. We had a solid relationship, and he was growing up. When he was around 5-6 years old, we started to see some delays and decided to seek out help. Constantly we were being told, “he is just hyper” or “he’s just a kid.” My parents knew there was more to it then that.

Throughout our childhood, the attention kind of shifted to my brother, and it felt as though the attention on me dissapated. My parents were so consumed with dealing with him, they didn’t really understand what was going on inside me or my heart.

Eventually, my brother became mad at the world. He became mad at how his brain was backfiring on him, and he began to see his life as worthless.

He was only 9 years old at the time, but he was already stronger then me. That’s when the abuse started. It seemed as though he got off on hurting me, and that each time he did something to me he felt better of himself.

I wonder when he saw the fear in my eyes, if he ever felt guilty or if it just made him feel more powerful, knowing that he could see someone’s world falling apart. I would beg him to stop, and he just kept going. I felt at such a loss, and I never really understood why he always chose me as a target.

My parents did nothing about it, they watched it happen and so many times watched the light leave my eyes.

I now suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression due to the fact that I feel unwanted by my own family, and that no matter what goes on in my life, how successful I am, or what I accomplish, it will always be about him. I also started drinking to try and numb the pain, but all it did was make me push more people away and end up alone.

This shit haunts me so much. More then anyone can understand, and it’s time like this, when I think back to those times, that my heart breaks all over again. I can’t help but hate him for what he has done to me, and everything that I have to deal with from his abuse, but a part of my resilient heart is still captured with love for him, and he knows that, using it to his advantage. And that hurts. I am now almost numb to the things that are said, and have sort of put wall up all over the place. I used to love so easily, and hold onto anything that came near me. Now, I have a really hard time getting close, and being able to be vulnerable.

Eventually with everything going on in his head, he developed a drug problem, and slowly started dissociating himself from the world and everything in it. You can barely have a conversation with him, and I don’t see that light in his eyes anymore either.

I wonder, with two kids who were brought into this world, why both of them now have lost the light in their eyes, and how no one could stop it before it disappeared.

I am on my way to restoring the light within myself, and recovering is a daily process. I want anyone out there that is reading this or experiencing something similar, you are in control and things can turn around. I love you. ❤️

As for my brother, I hope he gets the help he needs and that it is not too late. And one day I have the ability to have a relationship with him that is healthy, and that I don’t lose that chance due to his addiction.