There's A Media For Everything

Doctor! Doctor!

Can't you see I'm burning, burning

Oh Doctor! Doctor!

This didn't make sense to me then, and it doesn't make sense to me now. I was possessed by a compulsion for honesty that other adults reacted to as if it was unusual, but at home, you'd expect I was the antichrist.

And what got to me the most- the absolute worst part of it all- wasn't the assumption, the disrespect, or the thoughtlessness of it, but the steadfast resistance to the possibility that maybe, maybe they were wrong.

They always acted like they wanted the truth, too. "Just tell me the truth, and I won't be mad. I know you did it, I'm not angry you did it, I'm angry you're lying. I caught you, so why not be honest? I can tell you're lying. Nobody else could have done it. Nobody else could have taken it. So-and-so said they were there. I have evidence. Just tell the truth. This can all be over if you just tell the truth."

So I'd tell them the truth. Not what they wanted to hear, but what actually happened. And they'd just give me that same disappointed look and tell me they would give me one more chance, one more opportunity to make this easier on myself by confessing whatever terrible thing I didn't do.

And I despised that. That 'second chance to do the right thing'. They'd always offer it out like they were just being so generous and patient with me, like it was more than I deserved.

So perhaps I learned this lesson earlier than most, but it's served me pretty well, and from the first time I said it I knew it was vitally important:

"I told you the truth. It's the truth whether you believe it or not. Do whatever you're going to do, but it's not going to change."

Now obviously, this sucked, and it shouldn't have happened.

But it did, and it was formative, and now as I've grown and lived I find it has become a rather important part of myself and who I am as a person:

That at the end of the day, someone is always going to be wrong about me and what I choose and who I am, and that's not necessarily something I need to expend energy on.

From natural laws to material things, nothing in the truth can be changed.

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed Everybody knows the war is over Everybody knows the good guys lost Everybody knows the fight was fixed The poor stay poor, the rich get rich

If this world's going to change at all,

The sunrise was beautiful this morning. I wish my phone was better at catching the actual colors and light. It was so much better in person.

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Here in my car

I feel safest of all

I can lock all my doors

It's the only way to live