Micaela

It’s been long since we’ve last interacted with each other in a friendly manner, or any manner in fact. Conversing is something we do not do due to our current situations. However, I can not help but wonder how you’ve been faring. Are you eating well? Are you trying to make the best out of your life? Are you still hiding your depression, the slight pang of emptiness, the anxiety building up, or the fear of losing those you hold dear? Do you still keep it all bottled up like you did in the past?

Ahh, my curiosity is quite insatiable, but I will leave that for another day.

As days turned to weeks, and weeks into months, I am still adjusting to my life without you. I wish I could say that my thoughts do not linger on you, but that would be a lie. We can’t help what our minds drift to. Something could spark a fragment of memory within us; may it be a song, a place, something to eat, or even something as simple as a word or image.

Some things I will never be able to glance at again without my mind mentioning you, but that is what happens when you spend two years very close to someone...someone whom you thought you’d be inseparable from. The way their touch left you wanting more, their voice that always dripped with honey, or the small gestures and mannerisms you’ve become so familiar with...These will always linger in the back of your mind, stored away with other past experiences that you once enjoyed. But as time passes...your mind doesn’t drift to those fragments as much as they used to, and they soon become filled with new ones that spark and bounced within you.

This is what love is. It’s planting your roots inside of someone, watching them grow. Sometimes that dry up and break apart, and sometimes they prosper and flourish. I guess in a more “normal” way of saying this is that you’ll never fall out of love with someone, but simply learn to love someone even more.

Our minds like to grasp onto the memories that made us feel alive, that brought us joy and happiness, and ones that we wish we could live through again. Although the relationship, platonic or intimate, may have not ended well, that doesn’t mean we can’t reflect upon the happiness the other once gave us.

I guess you could say that I’m trying to tell you that I still love, and always will. I will always be here for you, as I told you in our last conversation. You may have trouble getting ahold of me, or even be reluctant to reach out to me for help, but I am here.

I know you’ve had plenty of relationships in the past, but I can tell you that you still love each and every individual still. Or at least ones you did develop a deeper feeling for. Yes, even me. You may loathe me, curse at me, think I’m crazy, or hate what I did in the past, but that is only natural. I, too, also loathe some things you’ve done to me in the past as well...or the unspoken things you’ve done to me that still affect me now.

But you know what?

I am thankful for you, and everything you’ve let me experience with you. All of the good...all of the bad...It was all to form what I am to this day. I may have become stronger, but I also have become delicate and fragile. All relationships of any form is all an experience we must learn through. It’ll form us to what we become now and in the future. We cannot change the past, but we can change our perspective of the future.

I hope that, you as well, will also view our past relationship as something you can learn and grow from. Reflecting on what you....we....could’ve done to improve our inevitable downfall. Although it may hurt to reflect, to realize what we’ve done wrong, but it’ll help you become a better person in the end.

I hope....I so do truly, and genuinely, hope that you find the missing part of you that you’ve always felt...that I could not fulfill. I hope you live happily, and enjoy all aspects of your life. And maybe one day we can once again enjoy those memories together.