30s ~ she/her 18+ ~ MDNI Maybe Iâll grow the balls to finally write my own fanfics, maybe Iâll just keep living in my delulu brain for a while longer
Summary: Beau has hid his best friend Y/N from the group for years. She and him had been friends since middle school, living next to one another growing up, and now the pair were in the same college. Then the day happens, when Beau finally decides to introduce them to her. They all immediately are entranced by her and her personality, John Logan especiallyâŠ
Warning(s) throughout the series: strangers to lovers, mutual pining, swearing, mentions of softball plays/games, mentions of PTSD, angst, fluff, smut (18+)
The afternoon sun was brutal, and the large metal bleachers radiated heat, the air smelled like fresh-cut grass and dirt, and the sound of bats cracking echoed across the softball stadium.
The music was blaring loudly through the stadium speakers, players finished up their warmups, Y/n was finishing up with her pitcher. They were going through each pitch, discussing the gameplan, and how they were going to play it today.
"Remind me why we're here again?" Dean asked, stretching his legs out in front of him as they all sat in the front row right in the center.Â
"Because Beau threatened violence if we didn't come," Garrett snorted as he placed a hand on Hannahâs thigh. Beauâs head shot over towards Dean and Garrett.
"I didnât say I'd be mad, I said I'd be disappointed," he shot back with his finger pointing at them both. Beau rolled his eyes and leaned against the fence.
"So where's this best friend of yours?" Logan says as he nods toward the field below, and Beau smirks.
"Just wait and you'll see."
"That's all you ever say,â Allie snorts, making the guys giggle. âWhy canât we meet her right now?â she asks, and he shakes his head immediately.
"Because I'm not introducing you ladies, and these idiots before the game,â he giggles, pointing at the girls nicely, and then swats over towards the guys. Allie crossed her arms. "Why?"
"Because she'll get distracted. Sheâs big into her pregame superstitions,â he explains, watching the girls run over a fielding drill together, both Allie and Hannah laughed.
"No, because you're possessive,â Logan jokes, and Beau purses his lips in amusement as he nods.
"That is also correct,â he says back, causing everyone to chuckle.
Over the past year, they had heard countless stories about Y/N, because Beau talked about her constantly. Not in an annoying way, it was just naturally.
âY/N did this.â
âY/N said that.â
âY/N beat some girl to first from the outfield, and made a play.â
âY/N accidentally started an argument with a referee.â
âY/N somehow convinced me to drive three hours for tacos, and two in the fucking morning. Donât ask.â
They all knew she was important to him, but none of them had actually met her, and today would be the first time that they would all be seeing her. Hopefully meeting her.
It wasnât long until the game had started, the Briar team taking the field first, and they emerged from the dugout. Players spread across the field towards their positions, and Dean immediately pointed.
"Which one is she?" he asks, and Beau doesnât let him finish before shaking his head.
"Nope,â he hums, Dean still trying to get something out of him. "That one?"
"Nope."
Tucker smirked, and joined in. âIs she a blonde?"
"Nope."
Garrett groans, and Logan speaks this time. âDude, just spill. Youâre killing us here,â he laughs, and then Beau nodded toward home plate.Â
"There."
Everyone looked, watching as the girl wearing her full catcher gear walked up from the dugout, headed towards home plate. She had her mask hanging from one hand, glove on the other.
Her hair was long, her high bubble ponytail with a bow tied at the bottom with Briarâs colors swung back and forth. The moment she stepped to her spot behind the plate, she looked completely different from how Beau described her.
She looked confident. Focused. It was like she owned that field.
Logan's eyes followed her instantly, and not once did they leave her.Â
Beau noticed immediately, smirking right away as he noticed something interesting. Y/N tossed her mask down and started warming up her pitcher.
The first throw hit her glove with a loud crack, and so did the next one. Every catch looked effortless, her throws were nothing but straight cannons.
"Okay," Tucker admitted, leaning back against the bleachers. "She's kinda badass."
"Kinda?" Hannah said, she chuckles, raising a brow before motioning to her. "Look at her."
Y/N was squatted down when throwing down to second base, only dropping to her knees as she fired a throw to second. The ball looked like a missile as it reached the bag before the infielder even finished setting up.
Dean's eyebrows shot up. "Oh."
Garrett laughed, nodding towards him as their eyes never left her. "Oh is right."
Logan was still staring, caught up in his own mind. His own world. He was mesmerized. He couldnât see the way Beau was smirking. The game started a few minutes later.
Y/N crouched behind home plate, the umpire getting set behind her, as the opposing team's leadoff hitter stepped into the batter's box.
The entire group had never left her, watching how smart she was behind the plate. Y/N immediately caught the batter on first, who tried to delayed steal.
She adjusted, getting ready to throw it down, faking a play. She faked a throw to the pitcher, seeing that the runner took the bait, Y/N didnât hesitate to zip that ball straight to shortstop, to get the tag at two.
âYes! Good shit, Y/N! Beauty!â Beau yelled as he stood from his spot, hooting, whistling, and hollering.
Her team cheered as the runner was declared out, her pitcher coming to do their handshake, Y/N tossed the ball back to her pitcher with a grin.
"She's annoying, isn't she?" Hannah asked, mainly saying that because she just knew she was so entranced in her sport, she had to talk about it quite a lot.Â
"The worst," Beau said proudly, chuckling lightly as he clapped.
The second inning got even better, with a runner on first, there was one out. The batter slapped a ground ball through the infield, and the runner rounded second aggressively, going and trying for third.
Big mistake.
Y/N received the relay throw, she spun, and immediately fired. The ball arrived before the runner was halfway into her slide.
âSheâs out!âthe umpire hollers from the baseline, holding a fist up to signal the out, and the crowd erupted.
Dean stood up, letting out a hoot. "What a throw!" he cheers, Beau going to grab his bicep to pull him back down.
"Sit down," Beau said.
"I will not!"
Logan was grinning now, clapping and cheering too as he was completely invested.
By the third inning, Briar's offense started rolling, as Y/N walked toward the batter's box.
The crowd immediately got louder.
"She's one of Briarâs highest sitting averages, and best hitters," Beau explains to them, her teammates doing cheers from the dugout.
âReally? Whatâs her average?â Tucker asks, and Beau just nods towards her.Â
"Just watch."
The pitcher threw the first pitch, too high in the strike zone. Ball.Â
The next pitch came in quick. Fastball. Y/N crushed it, as the crack of the bat echoed across the entire complex.
Everyone's heads snapped up, watching the ball soar deep into left-center, and it hit off the back of the stadium cushioning.
Y/N exploded out of the box with no hesitation, no wasted time on watching where the ball went, no waste on her movement.
She was fast, flying around first, her eyes tracking where the yelling and action was, spotting the outfielder finally recovering the ball.
Most players would've stopped, but not Y/N. She was already rounding second, going to try for third.
Allie laughed, shaking her head. "She's insane."
The throw came in, almost a millisecond too late as Y/N slid safely into third.
The Briar dugout exploded, doing a cheer they created for each player, singing hers out loud and proud. Beau was cheering for her loudly, pointing down at her, seeing her eyes find his when she stood up. She raised her arms, cupping one in front of her face, as the other made an eating motion.
Beau looked completely unsurprised, pointing over at her with a knowing smirk, seeing her smiling widely with a laugh. She puts her hands on her hips as her coach tells her something.
"See?" Beau says, sitting back down. âTold you she is someone worth watching.â
Tucker shook his head, his eyes wide. "How in the world is she so fast?"
"No idea."
Y/N stood up, brushed dirt from her pants, her eyes laser focused back onto the upcoming pitch.
Logan couldn't stop smiling. Every few seconds his eyes drifted back toward third base, not realizing that Beau saw everything.
The game continued, and Y/N scored moments later. Then in the fifth inning she threw out another runner trying to delayed steal, and in the sixth she nailed a line drive double into right field.
"She's nasty," Garrett said, his tone in complete awe. âI always forget how good Softball players are. They truly are a different breed.âÂ
Beau shrugs as he flicks his gaze to look back at Garrett. "I've been telling you."
But Logan barely heard them. He was staring, and Beau noticed instantly as a slow smile spread across his face. "Oh, this is getting bad."
Logan blinked, snapping out of his daze. "What?"
Beau folded his arms, sighing playfully. "You are, buddy."
"What about me?"
"Dude, you've watched every at-bat she's had,â he giggles, making Logan look away.
"No I haven't,â he says as his voice gets quieter.Â
"Oh you absolutely have."
"I have been watching everybody,â he argues back, but his answer came back too quickly, making Beau snort.
"Name our shortstop."
Logan paused, opening his mouth only to close it a few seconds after. Beau smiled ear to ear. "Exactly."
The guys nearby burst out laughing, causing Logan to roll his eyes. "Shut up, I hate you all."
But Beau wasn't letting him off the hook.
Instead, he leaned forward, his gaze still checking to see Logan, who would continue tracking Y/N as she adjusted her batting gloves at second base.
"So,â he says once again, Logan looking at him with a confused expression.
"So what?"
"You like her, huh?â he says a little softer, not wanting to catch the rest of the groupâs attention.
Logan nearly choked, saving it to sound like a cough. Which failed completely. "No."
"Logan."
"No."
"Logan."
"No."
Beau pointed toward the field. "You literally haven't looked anywhere else, but her, for two innings."
Logan opened his mouth, only to close it. Then he opened it again. "She's just-" he lost his words, making Beau squint his eyes.
"Just what?"
"She's impressive." Logan sighed.
"Good save," Beau snorts with sarcasm dripping from his lips. Logan ignored him for a bit, but after a few moments, he spoke up again.
"How long has she been playing?"
Beau immediately laughed, nodding in understanding. "There it is."
"What?"
"The questions."
"What do you mean the questions?"
"The 'I totally don't like her but suddenly need her entire life story' type of questions."
Logan groaned, before Beau was already counting on his fingers.
"How old is she? What's her favorite color? What music does she listen to? Does she like dogs or cats-"
"I wasn't gonna ask any of those!" which made Beau give him a look with a raised brow.
"You were absolutely gonna ask those,â he says back as he watches Logan rub a hand over his face. Deep down Beau was enjoying this way too much.
He turned back to watch the game, but smirks when he hears Logan talking again. "How long has she played?"
Beau lets out a dry laugh. "Since she was little. Four or five if I remember correctly."
"Really?"
"Yep."
"She's good."
"Better than good."
Logan watched as Y/N clapped on base, voice loud as she was cheering on her teammate up at bat. "Best hitter on the team?"
"One of the top on their leaderboard."
Logan nodded, knowing after her hits, that it had tracked. Everything she'd hit today had been crushed. A few moments passed, Beau cheering as her teammate took a pitch to the shin, taking her base.Â
"She's their main catcher every game?" Logan asks, his eyes still on her, not realizing how he was looking at Y/N. Beau immediately turned.
"There it is again."
"What?"
"Question number two."
"It's a normal question."
"Sure,â Beau chuckled as shook his head, then answered after a few seconds. âBut yes. Every game."
Logan looked genuinely impressed. "That's rough on the knees."
"Sheâs got strong legs. Stronger than ours probably,â Beau answers, turning to look at Logan for a second. âYou're learning softball now?"
"I like to learn about other sports."
Beau laughed. "No, you like to learn about Y/N."
Before Logan could respond, the next batter brought her home with a line drive, the crowd cheering excitedly as she crossed the plate.
Y/N pointed toward her dugout, smiling wide as her team exploded, knowing she was the tie breaker to bring in.
Logan couldn't stop smiling, and Beau saw it. He honestly saw all of it.
The way Logan's eyes followed her, and the way he picked up every little thing. It wasn't subtle anymore, but he knew Logan wouldnât admit it, not even to himself.
Beau nudged him. "So when are you talking to her?"
Logan looked horrified, leaning back in his seat as she disappeared from view, into the dugout. Almost like his body was physically relaxing. "What?"
"When are you talking to her?"
âIâm not,â Logan looked back toward the field. âSheâs your best friend. Youâve kept her hidden for a reason,â he stutters out, creating excuses. âI donât even think Iâd know what to say.â
Y/N had removed her helmet and was laughing at something one of her teammates said. When the sunlight caught her face, Logan completely forgot Beau was standing there. He bit his lip as he couldn't get her out of his now, trying to hide the smile on his face.
Beau saw that too. "Oh, wow. It's worse than I thought,â Beau giggles. Logan finally tore his eyes away. "What is?"
"You are absolutely gone. Youâve got the hots for my best friend, donât you?"
"No,â he was too quick with his answer.
"You watched her smile and it looked like somebody just handed you a winning lottery ticket,â he joked back and Logan groaned while trying to hide his face.
"Can you stop?"
"Nope."
"Please, Iâm even asking nicely."
"Not a chance,â Beau laughed, but then lowered his voice. "You know she likes people who actually talk, right?"
Logan looked through his hands at him, an expression of confusion and interest. "Huh?"
"I'm serious."
Now he had Logan's full attention, making him grin. Somewhere across the field, completely unaware, Y/N was jogging back toward home plate to warm-up her pitcher for the next inning.
The final inning arrived with Briar ahead, there were two outs with a runner on first, and the opposing team desperately needed something.
The batter connected with a sharp line drive into shallow center, making the runner take off, trying to force something.
Y/N immediately started directing traffic. "Cut four! Cut four!" Her powerful and loud voice echoes throughout the cheers from the other team, her mask being whipped off as she steps up to the plate.Â
The ball was quick to come in, being thrown her way, Y/N immediately snagged it into her glove and turned down to apply the tag.
The Umpires had come to look closer, before signaling up with a fist. Out, and that meant game over.
The crowd erupted, and the players cheered with one another as Y/N went up to shake hands with the umpires, and then rushed up to do her handshake with her pitcher.
She was sweaty, covered in dirt while smiling. Logan couldnât help but still think she was absolutely beautiful. That was apparently the exact moment Logan got himself into trouble, because he couldn't stop staring.
Beau folded his arms.
"Oh, no."
Logan jumped, turning to see Beauâs shit-eating grin. "What?"
"Oh, absolutely not,â Beau shook his head as they all began to stand up from their spots.Â
"What?" Logan asks again, his voice an octave higher, and Dean immediately looks between them. Then burst out laughing.
"Oh no."
Garrett caught on next, not like it was hard to miss. "Oh yes!"
Dean wheezes out. "Looks like Logan had a massive crush on your bestie, Beau!"
"I- What? No! I do not," Logan sputters out, feeling the way his face was heating up as he tried to argue back with the allegations.
"You do,â Hannah chuckles, and he shook his head immediately.
"I don't."
"You absolutely do!â She laughed even more, and Logan looked horrified staring back down at the field while Y/N was still celebrating with her teammates, completely unaware. Beau looked genuinely offended.
"That's my best friend,â he trails off slowly, crossing his arms.
"So?"
"So?" Beau stared at him in shock, Logan rubbed a hand over his face.
"I literally haven't even met her,â he scoffs, still stuttering over his words as he felt his heart beating quicker. Beau leans forward with a knowingly smug smirk. "And yet?"
Logan groans, running a hand through his hair. "I can't help it!"
Everyone exploded into laughter, Dean fell back a bit while Tucker nearly fell off the bleachers.
Beau groaned dramatically. "This is a nightmare."
"It's been thirty seconds," Dean said.
"Thirty seconds too fucking many."
Down on the field, Y/N finally looked toward the stands, her eyes immediately found Beau. A huge smile spread across her face, and she waved, seeing as Beau waved back automatically.
Then Y/N noticed the group beside him, seeing the friends she'd heard so much about. She gave them all a curious smile, a few quick waves, and then disappeared back toward her teammates.
Logan watched her go, and Beau caught him yet again.
"John Logan."
"What?â
"Behave."
Dean nearly choked laughing, as Garrett slapped Logan's shoulder. Hannah and Allie were both grinning, and for the first time all afternoon, Logan looked nervous.
Because seeing Y/N from a distance had been one thing, but actually meeting her after the game?
That was going to be a completely different challenge. He felt like he might shit his heart out. The second Y/N looked toward the fence and smiled at them once again, the entire group noticed.
Unfortunately for Logan, ââOhhh shit,â Dean's voice rang out immediately, and Logan closed his eyes as his head fell backward. "No."
"She smiled at you."
"She smiled in this direction, dumbass."
"At you."
"Dean, I swear-"
"At. You,â he sings out, and Garrett was already laughing. "Dude's been staring at her for two hours and got rewarded,â he adds in, hands on his knees as he is laughing.Â
"I have not been staring at her,â he tries to argue, only for the entire group to look at him.
"You literally were asking every single stat about her to Beau," Tucker deadpanned, and Logan looked at him in shock, making Tucker nod. âYes, we all heard it.â
Logan pointed at him. "That's normal."
"No, it isn't,â Beau giggles back, sticking his hands into his pockets. "Not unless you're scouting for a pro team," Hannah added as Allie nearly doubled over laughing while Logan groaned.
Meanwhile, Beau stood with his arms crossed, watching the whole thing unfold. "See? It isn't just me,â he answers, watching as Logan shot him a look.
"You're enjoying this way too much."
"Oh, immensely."
Beau wasn't even trying to hide it anymore. The funny thing was that while he was clearly entertained, there was also a very obvious protective edge to him whenever Y/N came up.
It was the kind of energy that came from years of friendship..
A moment later, Beau leaned casually against the netted protection from the stadium. "So."
Logan narrowed his eyes.
"So?"
"Why exactly do you like about her?"
The entire group instantly got quiet. "Oh this is good," Tucker said. Dean hisses afterwards with a cringe. âHere comes papa Beau, rest in peace Logan.â
Logan looked horrified at both Beauâs now intimidating expression and Deanâs words. "I'm not answering that."
"Why not?"
"Because, just, not in front of these hooligans,â he says but then looks at the two girl. âBesides you two. Love you both,â then turns back to look at Beau with a curt shake of his head. âNo."
Beau was trying, and failing, not to laugh. Then his expression shifted slightly as he looked back toward the field, watching her shake hands with the opposing team. "Just so we're clear."
Logan immediately recognized that tone. It was his protective one. The big-brother tone. Beau pointed toward Y/N. "She's my best friend. Sheâs family."
Logan nodded, knowing that this was coming. Beau has never played around when it came to Y/N. It took them how long to finally meet her because he knew how the guys would act, and he was being protective for many reasons. "I know."
"I mean it Logan. I will absolutely make your life miserable. I donât play when it comes to her."
"Protective Beau has arrived,â Dean wheezes out, patting Loganâs back as the other friends in the group laughed with him.
Beau ignored them, knowing it was bound to happen, still staring at Logan. "I'm serious,â he says with no sign of jokes or sarcasm. Dean looked between them.
"Did we just witness a weird brother approval interview?"
"Before they've even gone on a date?" Hannah added, and Allie was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes.
A few minutes later, he pushed away from the netting, nodding at his friends. "I'm gonna go say hi, and see what her plan is. She gets busy post game, so Iâll see what sheâs thinking.â
Dean pointed dramatically. "Tell your secret superstar friend we have complaints."
"What complaints?"
"You kept her hidden."
Beau laughed. "She's a person, not a treasure map."
"Well thatâs debatable, because you have never brought her around, Goose."
Beau shakes his head with a snort at Dean, and then heads down to the field. Y/N was finishing a quick conversation with one of her coaches when she spotted Beau approaching the opening on the far side of her dugout.
A grin immediately appeared on her lips, bidding goodbyes to her coaches before heading his way. "There he is,â she chuckles, Beau laughs back with a sarcastic wink.
"There she is."
They met halfway, Beau not hesitating to lean against the opening as Y/N bumped her shoulder against his.Â
"You watched?"
"Unfortunately,â he hums out a huff, giving her a fake pout. She gasped dramatically, putting a hand on her chest.
"Rude!â
"You only got like four hits."
"Three. The fourth was a shitty one to shortstop."
"Wow, absolutely terrible. Do you even play D1?"
"Honestly so embarrassing."
They both laughed, knowing the ease between them was obvious. He nudges her and nods back. "You played great though, not a bad play made," Beau admitted, watching as Y/N made a face before scoffing and crossing her arms over her chest.
"I left two runners on."
"You had a triple."
"I still left runners on."
"There it is."
"What?"
"The catcher perfectionism,â he hums. âAlways downplaying your hard work. You had one wrong move, but you solved it effortlessly. Look at it from that point of view.â
She rolled her eyes, trying to hide her smile of appreciation. Beau was always able to prevent her mind from going into the gutter. "Whatever."
Beau laughed as she pushed his shoulder playfully, then he nodded toward the stands above.
"So,â he trails off,Â
Y/N followed his gaze, seeing the entire group was still standing there.
Dean was waving both arms like an idiot, Garrett was yelling something incomprehensible, and Tucker was laughing.
Allie and Hannah were trying unsuccessfully to get everyone to act normal, Y/N immediately laughed. "Those your friends youâve yet to let me meet?"
"Unfortunately," he grimaces with a nod, and she lets out a suspicious hum.Â
"Wow. Theyâre definitely your friends alright."
"Exactly."
She smirked. "They seem chaotic."
"They absolutely are."
"Should I be worried?"
"Probably."
Y/N laughed again while Beau shook his head. He gave her a distant look that caused her to squint at him.
"They want to meet you."
"Oh?"
"Apparently they're offended I've never introduced you,â he adds, shrugging his shoulders like it was nothing and she snorted.
"That's actually kind of funny," she giggles. âBut thatâs also because youâve kept me hidden, my good sir.â
âWow you and Dean will get along great. He just said the same thing.â
âRespect,â she nods. âWise man,â she added before she heard her name, and glanced back toward her dugout. One of her co-captains were ushering for her to come join for post game stuff, making her nod and put up a finger while mouthing, âOne secondâÂ
She looks back at Beau and nods. "Iâm up for it, but I have interviews and team stuff first."
"That's fine, they get that.â
"But I'll come over before I change,â she suggests. â Because itâs gonna take a bit before I leave the locker rooms. That way we can figure out what the plans are after."
Beau nods, bringing his hand up to do their handshake. "Amazing. Take your time."
Y/N pointed at him as she turned to walk away. "If they start a fight while I'm gone, that's on you."
"No promises!â he hollered back, causing a couple of giggles to leave her mouth.
Fifteen to twenty minutes had passed since Y/N had talked with Beau, her eyes would occasionally look up to catch them all mostly talking.
She didnât know that they were also teasing Logan, which had become everyone's favorite activity. Logan was talking about something else to change the subject, Beau hearing the crunch of metal cleats jogging to their direction, making him hold a hand up with a smug grin.
"She's coming over."
Logan immediately sat up straighter. Dean saw it. âThis is fucking hilarious,â he wheezes lightly, Logan frowning. "Now what?"
"You perked up. It was so obvious.
"I did not."
"You absolutely did."
Garrett nodded, and added in, "That was immediate."
"I hate all of you."
"Oh yeah, look at him. He's nervous." Allie laughed, pointing over at the brown-haired boy from her spot under Deanâs arm.
âTry not to drop the L bomb on the first meeting,â Beau snickers while smiling widely over at Y/N. Before Logan could argue, a voice perked up. "There they are."
Everyone turned to see Y/N was jogging toward them. Still in uniform, her hair still pulled back, she had confidence practically radiating off her. She didnât have her catcherâs gear on like she did when Beau stopped over.
âHey guys,â she laughs once she makes it to their group, everyone was beaming and saying their greetings back, followed by some fun comments.Â
"Finally,â Beau exasperates, pulling into a side hug. She rolled her eyes. "Well jeepers, sorry. I kept being summoned."
"You kept the celebrities waiting."
Y/N laughed.
"The only celebrity here would be Garrett Graham," she shot back, nodding towards him, making Garrett laugh loudly.Â
âShe knows her shit,â he laughs while pointing at her.
She smiles proudly, before shrugging her shoulders. âHeâs said a thing or two. I also grew up in a hockey family, so itâs law to know hockey.â
âI like her. I like her very much,â Dean interrupts, making her chuckle. "So you're the mystery friend."
Y/N pointed at Beau, a fake look of confusion. "He tells people I'm mysterious?"
"Donât start,â he whines, Dean cuts back in.
"We just couldn't believe someone this cool existed and he'd never introduced us."
"Beau, how could you?" Y/N gasped dramatically. âFirst you keep me in hiding, and then you go and tell them Iâm some mystery girl? What is this, your bachelor pad?â
"I regret everything in this moment,â Beau purses his lips, and points at Dean. âI regret letting you both meet one another. Now I've got two versions of Dean.â
âSo thatâs Dean? The one I pretty much quoted line for line without knowing?â Dean and Y/N look at each other with smug expressions. âI knew we would get along just fine,â she laughs, and the group burst out laughing.
Garrett shook his head as he pointed to the field. "Seriously though? That was insane."
"It was alright,â Y/N shrugged, Garrett gave her a knowing grin. Every athlete nearby would recognize that kind of answer. The universal "I could've done better" response.
Hannah laughed. "That's such an athlete's answer.âÂ
She shrugs. "Unfortunately,â she then adds. âSorry youâre going to have to hear more athlete talk. You probably already hear too much from this load.âÂ
âOh no, after what we just watched? Iâm invested,â Hannah answers, playfully swatting in her direction, Allie nodding. "You were on fucking fire. Seriously, I may have a girl crush on you," Allie added, making Dean let out a choked sound, causing the boys to snicker.Â
Y/N smiled as she laughed. âWhy thank you. I work very hard to at least look like Iâm doing something right,â she jokes, and then Dean jumps back in.
"I think the bigger question is why Beau hid you from us,â he trails off, and she slowly turns to look up at Beau with a look that says everything. Before she could say another snide remark, Beau shook his head and pushed her head away playfully.
"Don't encourage them,â he shot, making her push him back. âI can sense the wrong decisions coming from a mile away. Donât start.â
"No, I think I will,â she throws back, smiling smugly. âThey will definitely be joining in on my shenanigans.â
The group laughed again, all the while Logan stood slightly toward the back. He was trying to play it cool.
Because now that she was standing right here? It was somehow worse.
She was funny, and extremely confident. She made herself feel easy to talk to.
It was exactly like she'd seemed from the field. Then he felt himself almost buckle to the ground when Y/N looked directly at him. "You're Logan, right?"
His brain briefly stopped functioning. "Uh,â he muttered before he could stop himself, Dean immediately covered his mouth to stop himself from laughing. "Yeah."
Y/N smiled sweetly at him. Nothing snarky, snide or smug about it. She was giving him a softer, more gentle smile. Something flickered between her eyes. "Nice to finally meet you."
Finally?
Logan blinked a couple times, then snapped out of the haze. "Finally?" he asked her, finally finding his voice, and she nodded.
"Beau talks about all of you,â she admits, and Beau groaned immediately. âSo I kind of felt like I already knew everybody."
"Hopefully only the good stories?â Logan laughed, trying to keep his composure looking cool and collected. He was definitely the opposite.Â
"Oh, definitely not,â she giggled, and the group erupted.
"YES."
"Thank goodness."
"She's good, I really like her."
Y/N grinned, and soon enough Logan found himself smiling too. A lot.
Which Dean noticed immediately. Of course he did.
"So," Dean said, trailing his voice off. "Logan's been very interested in softball today."
Logan nearly died, staring at Dean like he was ready to gouge out his eyes with the edge of his hockey stick. "Dean."
"What?"
Y/N looked amused, turning back to look at Logan. She was amused and he could slightly see the peak of interest in her face. "Oh?"
"He asked for your stats."
The group exploded, and Y/N turned toward Logan. One eyebrow raised. "My stats, huh?"
Logan pointed at Dean, looking over at him. "I'm gonna throw you into traffic."
Y/N laughed, and it was the sound that immediately made Logan smile again.
"Donât be embarrassed,â she says softly. âThat's actually kind of cute."
Dean nearly collapsed, while Allie hid her face in his chest. Hannah bit at her hand while leaning into Garrettâs back
Garrett doubled over, and Tucker looked like he was about to cry laughing. Logan stared, and saw that Y/N looked completely unbothered.
She was just smiling. She looked comfortable, and completely at ease. Then she tilted her head slightly. "So?"
"So what?"
"Were you impressed?" She asks like it was the simplest question ever. The grin she gave him was undeniably teasing, maybe even a little flirty.
The group immediately got quieter. They were watching. Waiting.
Logan somehow managed a smile. "I was."
Y/N nodded, her smile lit up even more, Y/N could feel her face heating up. "As you should be,â she answers back, the confidence in the answer made everyone laugh.
"Wow,â Logan chuckles. â She's got the jokes and the confidence,â he shoots, his arms crossed over his chest, and Y/N pointed toward the field. "I earned my confidence."
"That is fair."
She looked back at Logan. "Good answer, though."
Logan laughed.
"Thanks? I think?â
"You're welcome,â she answers back. For a second, neither of them looked away from each other. Not until Dean dramatically stepped between them. "Okay, no mroe eye contact."
"What?"
"None."
"Dean."
"I'm protecting the group from whatever this is," Dean jokes, pointing at them both. âIâm protecting them from the eye fucking that was about to happen.â
The entire circle dissolved into laughter, including Y/N, who was now grinning directly at Logan. If Beau noticed the way both of them kept finding reasons to look at each other during the rest of the conversation, he absolutely noticed, but he just wasnât saying anything about it.
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Summary: Steve discovers that if he plays with your hair for long enough, you will fall asleep on him every single time.
Warnings/tags: 18+ ONLY, minors DNI, no use of y/n, established relationship, fluff, sleepy affection, domestic intimacy, kissing, touch-starved steve harrington, comfort fic (lmk if i missed anything)
W/C: 1.2k
Read more of my writing here: [masterlist]
Youâre both sprawled across his couch after a movie, the living room lit only by the television and the warm orange lamp beside the window. Rain taps softly against the glass while some terrible late-night advert mutters quietly in the background now that the filmâs ended.
Youâre tucked against his side beneath one of his old blankets, half talking about something Robin said earlier while Steve absentmindedly plays with your hair.
Not even consciously, really.
Just something his hands started doing at some point during the relationship and never stopped.
Twisting soft strands around his fingers. Scratching lightly against your scalp. Pushing hair back away from your face whenever it falls forward.
Steve likes touching you. This is not exactly new information.
What is new is the fact your voice suddenly cuts off halfway through a sentence.
Steve glances down.
Youâre asleep.
Completely asleep.
Mouth slightly parted against his shoulder, breathing slow and even, one hand still loosely curled in the fabric of his t-shirt.
Steve blinks once.
ââŠseriously?â
You do not respond, mostly because you are unconscious.
Steve stares at you for another few seconds before looking down at his hand still buried in your hair.
Interesting.
The second time it happens, he starts suspecting a pattern.
Youâre sitting between his legs on the floor of his bedroom while he half watches a movie over your shoulder and half messes with your hair mindlessly. Youâd insisted you werenât tired less than ten minutes earlier.
âYou literally slept till eleven,â Steve reminds you while separating sections of your hair carefully.
âI know,â you mumble. âThatâs why Iâm not tired.â
âHm.â
âYouâre so annoying.â
âYou like me.â
âUnfortunately.â
Steve grins slightly to himself before dragging his nails lightly across your scalp again.
Your shoulders loosen immediately.
Another few minutes pass.
Then, nothing.
No response to his last comment. No movement either.
Steve leans slightly sideways to look at your face properly.
Dead asleep.
Again.
Still sitting upright between his legs.
Steve laughs so suddenly he nearly wakes you back up.
âOh my god,â he mutters quietly.
By the fourth or fifth occurrence, it becomes less of a coincidence and more of a genuinely ridiculous amount of power for one person to hold.
Especially because Steve starts testing it.
Not maliciously.
Scientifically.
âYouâre doing it on purpose now,â you mumble one afternoon, already sounding half asleep despite having argued thirty seconds earlier that you were âdefinitely awake.â
Steve, stretched out beside you on his bed, continues scratching softly through your hair with an expression of complete innocence.
âDoing what?â
âThe hair thing.â
âWhat hair thing?â
âTheâŠâ You frown weakly. âThe sleepy thing.â
Steve bites the inside of his cheek hard trying not to laugh.
Because it really is absurd.
You could be fully awake, actively talking, even complaining about not being tired at all, and within ten minutes of Steve touching your hair for long enough youâre suddenly fighting for your life trying to keep your eyes open.
âYouâre being dramatic,â he says.
You squint at him suspiciously through obvious exhaustion. âYouâre evil.â
âMhm.â
âYouâre likeâŠâ Another yawn interrupts you completely. âLike a tranquiliser gun.â
Steve loses it completely at that.
You fall asleep less than five minutes later with your face squashed into his chest while he quietly laughs into your hair.
After that, it becomes sort of unavoidable.
Steve starts noticing all the tiny signs before you even realise youâre tired.
The slower blinking. The way your body gradually gets heavier against him. The increasingly delayed responses during conversations.
And every single time, without fail, the second his fingers slide into your hair properly, you melt.
On the couch.
In bed.
Once in the passenger seat of his car while he waited for Robin to come out of Family Video after locking up.
Another time at the Wheelerâs house with your head in his lap while everyone else argued loudly over a board game around you.
âYou cannot be serious,â Dustin says, staring at your sleeping form in disbelief. âHow does she keep doing that?â
Steve barely looks up from where heâs still lazily playing with your hair. âDoing what?â
âShe was literally talking.â
âYeah?â
âAnd now sheâs unconscious.â
Steve shrugs like this is completely normal behaviour.
Robin narrows her eyes immediately from the opposite couch.
âOh, this is definitely psychological.â
Steve scoffs. âWhat does that even mean?â
âSheâs associated you with sleep now.â
âThatâs not a thing.â
âIt absolutely is,â Robin says. âYou Pavlovâd your girlfriend.â
âI did not Pavlov my girlfriend.â
âYou basically turned yourself into a human melatonin gummy.â
Steve rolls his eyes, but his hand never stops moving gently through your hair.
Mostly because Robinâs not entirely wrong.
Thereâs something about the trust of it that affects him more than he expects. The fact you fall asleep so easily against him. The way your whole body relaxes the second he touches you softly enough.
Like some part of you recognises him as safe before you even consciously think about it.
That part gets to him a little if he thinks about it too long.
Which is why he tries not to.
Unfortunately for him, you make this extremely difficult one rainy afternoon a few weeks later.
Youâre both curled together in his bed while thunder rumbles softly outside, Steve lazily tracing shapes against your scalp while you blink sleepily up at him.
âYou know,â you mumble eventually, âI think my bodyâs accidentally been trained.â
Steve grins immediately. âFinally admitting it?â
âThis is your fault.â
âMy fault youâre always sleepy?â
âMy fault for trusting you enough to fall asleep this much.â
The smile slips slightly from Steveâs face at that.
You notice immediately, even half asleep.
âWhat?â
Steve looks down at you quietly for a second before shrugging one shoulder.
âNothing.â
âSteve.â
His fingers slow slightly in your hair.
âItâs justâŠâ He huffs softly through his nose. âI dunno. Kinda nice, I guess.â
Your expression softens immediately.
Because there it is.
The actual thing sitting underneath all the teasing.
Steve likes being trusted.
Likes being needed in these tiny quiet ways that nobody else really notices.
The way you automatically reach for his hand crossing roads. The way you sleep better beside him. The way you unconsciously move closer every time youâre tired.
You shift upwards slightly against his chest until you can kiss him properly.
Steve kisses you back slowly, one hand still tangled gently in your hair.
âI genuinely think this is my favourite thing.â
Your lips twitch.
âMe falling asleep?â
âNo.â Steve smiles faintly. âYou trusting me enough to.â
Something warm twists painfully through your chest.
You kiss him again before you can think too hard about it.
Steveâs fingers slide slowly through your hair once more afterwards, scratching lightly against your scalp in that familiar absentminded rhythm.
Dangerous.
You narrow your eyes immediately. âDonât.â
âDonât what?â
âYou know exactly what.â
Steve looks deeply unconvincing. âIâm just touching your hair.â
âYouâre literally weaponising affection.â
Steve starts laughing quietly while you attempt to glare at him through increasingly heavy eyelids.
âYouâre already falling asleep,â he says.
âNo Iâm not.â
âYou just blinked for like six seconds.â
âThat means nothing.â
Steve grins down at you, still gently combing his fingers through your hair.
âYouâre done for, sweetheart.â
You open your mouth to argue.
Then immediately yawn instead.
Steve looks so unbearably pleased with himself that you weakly shove at his chest in protest.
It does absolutely nothing.
Mostly because less than ten minutes later, youâre asleep against him again.
And Steve, unfortunately, looks far too happy about it.
Summary: They were never nothingâbut John Logan made sure they were never something either. Until the night he sees her with someone else... and realises too late what he let slip away.
Warnings: none :)
For a while, neither of you speaks.
The silence stretches between you, thick and heavy, settling into every space left behind by the things you've finally said out loud.
The sky above the parking lot has begun to darken, the last traces of sunlight fading behind the campus buildings. A cool breeze moves through the trees nearby, but neither of you seems to notice.
You're too caught up in this.
In him.
In the years sitting between you.
Logan hasn't moved.
Not even an inch.
Like he's afraid that if he takes a step forward, you'll take two steps back.
Like he's afraid that he's already pushed his luck as far as it can go.
You wipe at your face one more time, frustrated by the tears that refuse to completely disappear.
The worst part is that you're exhausted. Not physically. Emotionally. You feel wrung out.
Like every feeling you've spent years burying has suddenly been dragged into the light all at once.
And somehow there's still more left to say.
Because one question keeps circling around in your head.
One question that refuses to leave.
If he felt all of this...
If he noticed you. If he cared. If he wanted you. Then why?
Why did he keep walking away? Why did he keep choosing anything but you?
Your voice is quieter when you finally speak. Almost hesitant. "Then why didn't you?" Logan looks up.
The question clearly catches him off guard. You swallow. "Why didn't you choose me?" The words hang there.
Simple.
Direct.
Devastating.
For a second, something flashes across his face. Not guilt. Not embarrassment.
Something worse. Shame. Real shame.
The kind that settles deep. The kind that doesn't disappear.
And suddenly you know. Before he even speaks. You know the answer is going to hurt.
Logan looks away first. His jaw tightens. His hands disappear into the pockets of his jacket.
For the first time since you've known him, he looks completely stripped down.
Not physically. Emotionally.
Like there's nowhere left to hide.
When he finally speaks, his voice is rough. "I didn't think I deserved you."
The answer hits so unexpectedly that you almost don't process it.
You stare at him.
Waiting.
Because surely that's not it.
Surely after all these years, the explanation has to be bigger than that.
More complicated. More dramatic. But Logan just shakes his head.
A humourless laugh leaves him. "You look like that's the stupidest thing you've ever heard."
"Because it is."
The response comes immediately.
Logan actually nods. "Yeah."
The agreement catches you off guard.
He lets out a long breath. "I know how it sounds."
"No, Logan," you say, frustration building again. "Do you?"
His eyes meet yours. And for the first time all evening, he doesn't look away.
"I grew up watching my dad destroy every good thing he ever touched."
The words stop you cold. Immediately.
Because suddenly this conversation isn't about you anymore.
Not entirely.
The easy answers disappear. The anger softens around the edges. Just enough.
Logan stares somewhere over your shoulder. Like he's not really seeing the parking lot anymore. Like he's seeing something else. Something years away. "When I was a kid, I used to think people who loved each other stayed."
His laugh is quiet. Broken. "Turns out that's not how it works."
Your chest tightens. You know pieces of Logan's family situation. Everyone does. But hearing him talk about it is different. Because Logan doesn't talk about things that hurt.
He jokes.
He deflects.
He changes the subject.
He smiles.
Anything except this. "I watched my mom get disappointed over and over again." His voice lowers. "I watched her believe things were going to get better." Another pause. "They never did."
The ache in your chest grows.
Logan looks down at the pavement. "You know what the messed up part is?" You don't answer. He isn't really asking.
"I spent years thinking I wasn't anything like him." A bitter smile appears. Then disappears. "And then I started caring about you."
Your heart stumbles.
The look he gives you is almost painful. "I cared so much it scared the hell out of me." The confession lands somewhere deep. Somewhere dangerous. "You were the first thing that ever felt real enough to lose."
The parking lot suddenly feels too quiet.
Too small.
Too intimate.
Logan shakes his head.
Like he's frustrated with himself. "I kept thinking if I got close enough, eventually I'd screw it up." His voice grows tighter. "Eventually you'd realize I wasn't worth all the trouble."
Your eyes sting again.
Because now you understand.
Not agree.
Never agree.
But understand. "And every time things started becoming real..." His laugh is hollow. "I ran first."
The words settle heavily between you.
Not because they're surprising.
Because they're not.
You've known that for years.
But hearing him admit it changes something. Hearing him take responsibility changes something. "I told myself I was protecting myself." His eyes meet yours. "I told myself I was protecting you."
A long pause.
Thenâ "I was just scared."
The honesty in it steals the air from your lungs.
No excuses.
No blaming circumstances.
No blaming timing.
Just the truth.
Ugly and imperfect.
Logan takes a shaky breath. "You want to know the worst part?" Your throat feels tight. "What?"
A sad smile pulls at his mouth. "The entire time I thought I was protecting myself from getting hurt..." His eyes soften. "...I was hurting you instead."
The tears you've barely gotten under control return immediately. Because that's it. That's the thing you've wanted him to understand. Not that he was scared.
Not that he was confused.
Not even that he loved you.
That his choices had consequences.
That every time he walked away, he didn't walk away alone.
You were left behind every single time.
Logan sees the tears gathering again.
This time, he looks devastated.
Not because you're crying.
Because he knows he's the reason. "I'm sorry." The words come out broken. You can tell he means them.
Really means them.
Not because he wants something.
Not because he's trying to fix things.
Because he's finally allowing himself to see the damage. "I know sorry isn't enough." His voice shakes. "I know I don't get to erase any of it."
Your chest aches. "So stop acting like you have to." Logan blinks. "What?"
You take a slow breath. "Every time we talk about this, you act like you're trying to find the perfect thing to say." His brows pull together. "I am."
"I know."
Your voice softens. "And there isn't one."
The truth of it settles over both of you.
Because there isn't.
There is no speech.
No confession.
No apology big enough to give either of you those years back.
The realization hurts.
But it also feels strangely freeing.
For the first time, Logan isn't trying to convince you.
And for the first time, you're not asking him to.
You're both just standing in the truth.
Messy and painful and unfinished.
And somehow...
That feels more honest than anything that's happened between you before.
When Logan finally looks at you again, his eyes are red around the edges.
Not crying.
Close.
And your heart breaks a little.
Because for the first time in years, he isn't hiding.
He's just standing there.
Letting you see every ugly part of him.
Trusting you with it.
The same way you've trusted him with yours.
Neither of you notices the distance disappearing.
Not until you're standing closer than before.
Close enough to see the faint scar near his jaw.
Close enough to see the uncertainty in his eyes.
Close enough that neither of you can pretend this doesn't matter.
And for the first time in years...
The silence between you doesn't feel like something keeping you apart.
Summary: They were never nothingâbut John Logan made sure they were never something either. Until the night he sees her with someone else... and realises too late what he let slip away.
Warnings: none :)
For a long moment, neither of you says anything.
The parking lot around you is quiet, the kind of quiet that feels almost unnatural after the emotional whirlwind of the last hour. The distant sounds of campus life seem muted, pushed far into the background, leaving only the two of you standing in the fading evening light.
You remain seated on the hood of your car, your arms folded tightly across your chest as if holding yourself together. Across from you, Logan stands frozen in place, looking like every nightmare he's ever had has suddenly become reality.
The thing is, you should probably feel bad for him.
You should probably take some kind of pity on the fact that John Loganâthe guy who always seemed to know exactly what to say, the guy who could charm his way through almost any situation without breaking a sweatâlooks completely and utterly horrified.
His usual confidence is nowhere to be found.
For once, he doesn't have a clever response ready.
For once, he looks genuinely vulnerable.
But you don't feel sorry for him.
Not really.
Because for years, you've been the one carrying around all the embarrassing feelings.
You've been the one lying awake at two in the morning replaying conversations in your head, wondering if a certain look meant something or if you had imagined it.
You've been the one analyzing every interaction afterward, picking apart every word and every smile until you couldn't tell the difference between reality and wishful thinking.
You've been the one forcing yourself to smile while watching him flirt with other girls, pretending it didn't bother you when it felt like someone was slowly pressing on a bruise that never had the chance to heal.
You've spent years making excuses for him. Years convincing yourself not to hope too much.
Years trying to protect your own heart from someone who never seemed ready to choose you.
And now?
Now it's his turn to be uncomfortable.
Now it's his turn to sit with the consequences.
"Obsessed?" you repeat slowly, letting the word linger between you.
Logan immediately groans.
The sound is so miserable and dramatic that it almost makes you laugh.
Almost.
He drags a hand down his face before looking at you through his fingers. "Can we not use that word?"
"No," you say, far too quickly. His eyes close. "Y/N."
You tilt your head innocently.
"Obsessed?"
"Please stop."
A smile threatens to pull at your lips. You fight it. Mostly because you're enjoying this far more than you should. "You were obsessed with me?"
"I was not obsessed with you."
The denial comes so quickly that it practically trips over itself.
You raise an eyebrow. Logan immediately realizes he's walked directly into a trap. His shoulders slump. "Okay," he mutters, rubbing a hand across his jaw. "Maybe a little."
"A little?"
"Don't."
"You said maybe."
"That was before I remembered how much you're going to enjoy this."
The smile finally escapes.
Small.
Brief.
But real.
And the second Logan sees it, something changes in his expression.
The embarrassment remains. The humiliation is definitely still there. But underneath it is something softer.
Something that catches you off guard.
Relief.
As though seeing you smileâeven at his expenseâis enough to make this entire conversation worth surviving.
As though your happiness matters more to him than his pride.
The realization settles heavily in your chest.
And suddenly, the amusement begins to fade. Because this isn't funny anymore.
Not entirely.
Taylor's words are still sitting in the back of your mind, refusing to leave.
There was always someone he couldn't stop thinking about.
Everybody knew except him.
The memory of that conversation presses against your ribs.
Questions you've spent years burying begin resurfacing one by one.
Questions you stopped allowing yourself to ask because the answers hurt too much.
Slowly, you lower your gaze to your hands. Your fingers are twisting together without you realizing it. "How long?"
The words leave your mouth before you can stop them.
Immediately, the amusement disappears from Logan's face.
You don't look up. You're not sure you can. "How long what?"
You swallow hard.
The lump in your throat feels impossible to ignore. "How long have you felt this way?"
The silence that follows feels different.
Heavier.
More fragile.
It's not the comfortable silence you've shared before. It's not easy.
It's the kind of silence that makes your pulse speed up because you know whatever comes next matters.
A lot.
When Logan finally speaks, his voice is quieter than you've ever heard it. "I don't know."
A short laugh escapes you. Not because it's funny. Because it hurts.
Because somehow that answer feels both honest and completely unfair. "That's a terrible answer."
A faint smile touches his lips. "I know."
When you finally look up, he's staring at the pavement.
Not at you.
At the pavement.
Like it's easier somehow.
Like saying these things is difficult enough without having to watch your reaction.
"I don't know when it started," he says carefully. "I just know there wasn't really a point where it wasn't there anymore."
The words hit harder than they should. Your chest tightens immediately. Because that's not what you expected.
You expected uncertainty.
You expected confusion.
You expected him to stumble through some explanation about timing or circumstances.
You expected excuses.
Instead, he sounds painfully sincere.
Like he's telling the truth even though it makes him uncomfortable.
Logan exhales slowly. The sound is shaky. "I remember freshman year."
Your heart skips.
His eyes finally lift to yours. "You were sitting in Garrett's room."
A small crease appears between your brows. "What?"
"You were yelling at him." You stare. Then blink. Then stare some more.
"That's what you remember?"
A weak smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. "Very vividly."
Despite everything, a laugh escapes you. "I was yelling because he broke my laptop."
"He deserved it."
"He absolutely deserved it."
For a brief moment, the tension eases. The memory settles between you like something familiar. Something safe.
But then the smile fades from Logan's face.
And suddenly he's looking at you with an expression that makes your stomach twist painfully.
Something unbearably soft.
Something that feels old.
Ancient, almost.
Like he's been carrying it around for years. "I remember realizing I always knew where you were." The air leaves your lungs.
His gaze never wavers. "If we were at a party, I knew where you were."
Your heartbeat begins to speed up.
"If we were hanging out with everyone, I knew where you were."
The ache in your chest grows stronger.
Not because you don't want to hear it.
Because you do.
God, you do.
You've wanted to hear it for years.
And somehow that makes it hurt even more.
"If you walked into a room..."
His voice lowers.
Soft enough that you almost miss it. "I noticed."
The silence afterward feels enormous.
You can't seem to find words.
Because no matter how many times you've imagined this conversation, it never looked like this.
In your head, Logan's confession was always dramatic.
Certain.
Confident.
The kind of thing people write songs about.
Not this.
Not him standing in front of you looking nervous.
Not him sounding like every sentence costs him something.
Not him looking like he's terrified you'll walk away before he's finished speaking.
You look away first.
Because you need a second.
Need room to breathe.
Need room to process.
Need room to deal with the fact that hearing this doesn't make you happy. Not completely.
Because alongside the warmth spreading through your chest is something heavier.
Something darker.
Years of hurt.
Years of confusion.
Years of wondering why you weren't enough for him to choose.
Your eyes begin to sting. The realization annoys you immediately. Perfect. Now you're crying.
Exactly what you wanted.
You blink rapidly.
Trying to stop it. Trying to pull yourself together.
But Logan notices. Of course he notices.
The second your expression changes, his entire posture changes with it.
Concern floods his face. "Hey."
You shake your head immediately. "No."
His brows pull together. "Y/Nâ"
"No." This time your voice breaks.
The sound of it seems to physically hurt him.
His expression falls instantly.
Because now he understands.
Maybe not all of it.
Maybe not completely.
But enough.
A shaky laugh escapes you.
"You don't get it."
His face twists. "Then explain it to me."
The frustration in his voice catches both of you off guard.
Not anger.
Desperation.
Like he genuinely wants to understand.
Like he hates that he doesn't.
You slide off the hood of the car. Your shoes hit the pavement.
The movement feels necessary.
You can't sit still anymore.
Can't keep all of this trapped inside your chest. "I wanted this." The words leave before you can stop them.
Logan goes completely still.
You can actually see the impact they have on him.
Your eyes burn.
You hate it.
You hate how vulnerable this feels. "I wanted this for so long." Your voice trembles.
You can't stop it now. "I wanted you to say these things."
Logan looks devastated.
Good.
Let him.
Because he should hear it.
He should finally understand.
"There were so many times," you continue, swallowing hard, "when I would've given you everything."
His eyes close briefly.
Like the words physically hurt.
Like he's remembering those moments too. "There were so many times I thought maybe this was it."
Your voice cracks. You shake your head. "But it never was."
The parking lot falls silent again.
The entire world feels silent.
Just you.
Just him.
Just years of missed chances standing between you.
When Logan finally speaks, his voice sounds rough.
Raw.
"I know."
The tears you've been fighting finally spill over.
You wipe them away immediately.
Frustrated.
Embarrassed.
Angry.
Heartbroken.
All of it at once.
"I hate that part of me is still happy hearing this."
The confession hangs between you.
Raw and terrifying.
Logan's eyes shine with something dangerously close to heartbreak. "I know."
"You don't get to fix this with one confession."
"I know."
"You don't get to tell me you've always cared and expect everything to magically be okay."
"I know." His voice cracks on the last one.
And for the first time all evening, you realize something.
He's not arguing.
He's not defending himself.
He's not trying to explain away your pain.
He's not asking you to forgive him.
He's simply standing there and taking it.
Because he knows you deserve to say it.
Because he knows you've carried this alone for far too long.
Because maybe, finally, he's beginning to understand what all those years cost you.
And somehow, seeing that understanding in his eyes hurts almost as much as everything else.
Summary: They were never nothingâbut John Logan made sure they were never something either. Until the night he sees her with someone else... and realises too late what he let slip away.
Warnings: none :)
The problem with giving John Logan a chance is that, somewhere along the way, he starts to believe that he's actually making progress.
It isn't because he's arrogant, and it certainly isn't because he assumes you've already forgiven him for everything that happened between you. If anything, he's more careful now than he's ever been before. The difference is that, for the first time in a very long time, things between the two of you no longer feel impossible.
You answer his texts instead of leaving them unread for hours.
You agree to meet him for coffee without immediately looking for an excuse to leave early.
When conversations end, you don't rush away the second there's a pause. Instead, you linger. You stay. You let the silence exist without feeling the need to escape it.
The tension that used to define every interaction between youâthe sharp, painful kind that felt like it could explode into an argument or a confession at any momentâhas slowly begun to change. It hasn't disappeared completely, but it has softened into something quieter. Something warmer. Something that feels dangerously close to hope.
And that's exactly what terrifies Logan.
Because hope means there's something worth losing.
Hope means that if he screws this up, he won't be able to pretend it never mattered.
A week after your conversation outside the party, you find yourself sitting in the bleachers during one of the team's afternoon practices. A textbook rests open in your lap, but you've barely absorbed a single sentence. Every few minutes your eyes drift away from the page and toward the ice, where players skate through drills beneath the bright arena lights.
The rink is cold enough that you've pulled your sleeves over your hands, curling your fingers into the fabric for warmth. Normally you would have left after twenty minutes, but today you don't seem to mind staying.
Most of the players barely notice you're there.
A few wave when they recognize you.
Garrett catches sight of you almost immediately and sends you a knowing smirk that practically screams I know exactly why you're here. You respond by pointedly ignoring him, which only seems to amuse him more.
Logan, however, notices you the second he steps onto the ice.
You actually watch it happen.
One moment he's listening to Coach explain the practice plan, his attention focused entirely on the conversation. The next, his gaze lifts toward the stands and lands directly on you.
The change is immediate.
His eyes widen slightly.
His focus disappears.
And then he nearly skates straight into one of his teammates.
The laugh that escapes you is impossible to stop.
Even from halfway across the rink, Logan hears it.
His head snaps toward you, and he sends you an offended look that makes you grin even wider.
You offer him the sweetest smile you can manage.
His expression somehow becomes even more offended.
The entire interaction lasts less than five seconds before practice resumes, but for some reason it seems to stay with him for the rest of the afternoon.
You can tell.
Every time you glance up from your textbook, he's already looking in your direction.
Whenever he scores during a drill, his eyes immediately drift toward the stands as though he's checking to see whether you noticed.
And every single time, they find you.
It should feel embarrassing.
Instead, it creates an uncomfortable ache somewhere beneath your ribs.
Because a part of you spent years wondering what it would feel like to be chosen by him.
Not occasionally.
Not secretly.
Not only when it was convenient for him.
Chosen.
Fully and openly.
For so long, that possibility felt impossible. It became easier to convince yourself that it would never happen than to keep hoping for it.
And now that it finally seems to be happening, you still can't stop waiting for the catch.
You keep expecting him to change his mind.
You keep expecting him to pull away.
You keep waiting for the moment when everything falls apart and proves that trusting him was a mistake.
The fear lingers no matter how hard you try to ignore it.
â
Practice ends about an hour later.
You gather your things slowly, slipping your textbook into your bag while players begin filing off the ice. Normally, by now, Logan would already be making his way toward you.
Lately, it's become routine.
He finds you after practice.
You walk out together.
Sometimes you grab coffee.
Sometimes you just talk.
The consistency still feels strange.
But fifteen minutes pass.
Then twenty.
You check your phone.
Nothing.
No text.
No explanation.
No Logan.
A strange disappointment settles heavily in your stomach.
It's ridiculous, really.
You tell yourself that repeatedly as you leave the arena and head toward the parking lot.
Absolutely ridiculous.
You've spent years functioning perfectly fine without him. There's no reason his absence should bother you now.
And yet it does.
You make it halfway to your car before someone calls your name.
You stop and turn around.
It's not Logan.
Instead, a girl is hurrying toward you.
She's pretty, with blonde hair pulled into a loose ponytail and a Brock University hoodie hanging off one shoulder. She smiles when she reaches you, slightly out of breath from jogging across the lot.
"Sorry," she says. "Are you Y/N?"
The disappointment you'd been carrying instantly gives way to confusion.
"Yeah?"
Her smile brightens.
"Oh, good. Logan pointed you out once and I wasn't sure if it was actually you."
Your stomach drops.
Immediately.
Something about that sentence puts you on edge before you can even explain why.
"Oh."
The girl doesn't seem to notice your reaction.
"I'm Taylor."
You nod politely.
Then she says the last thing you expect.
"I used to see Logan last year."
The world seems to go strangely quiet.
It's not as though you've never considered the fact that Logan dated other people.
Of course he did.
You knew that.
You always knew that.
But hearing it spoken aloud by someone standing directly in front of you feels entirely different from knowing it in theory.
For reasons you can't quite explain, it feels personal.
Taylor laughs awkwardly.
"I'm sorry. That sounded weird."
A little.
"We weren't serious or anything," she continues quickly. "I just wanted to say... whatever's going on between you two?"
Your chest tightens.
"What about it?"
Her expression softens.
"He talks about you now."
You blink.
"What?"
"He never used to."
The statement catches you completely off guard.
Taylor glances back toward the rink before continuing.
"When we were seeing each other, there was always this feeling that there was someone else."
Your heart skips.
"Not another girl exactly," she clarifies. "At least not in the usual sense. It was more like... there was someone he couldn't stop thinking about."
You don't know what to say.
Part of you wants to dismiss it immediately.
Another part desperately wants her to keep talking.
Taylor laughs quietly.
"It's kind of funny looking back on it now. I honestly think everybody knew except him."
The words settle heavily in your chest.
Before you can ask another question, her phone buzzes.
She glances down at the screen and sighs.
"Anyway," she says with a smile. "Sorry for being random."
And then she's gone.
Just like that.
Leaving you standing alone in the middle of the parking lot.
Thinking.
Overthinking.
Spiraling, if you're being honest.
Because for years you convinced yourself that you imagined everything.
The tension.
The lingering looks.
The moments that felt significant.
You spent so much time convincing yourself that maybe those things mattered more to you than they ever did to him.
But what if they didn't?
What if he felt it too?
What if he'd been carrying the same feelings all along?
The possibility is almost harder to process than the alternative.
â
Logan finds you ten minutes later sitting on the hood of your car.
The second he sees your face, he slows down.
His expression changes immediately.
The easy confidence disappears, replaced by concern.
"What's wrong?"
You look up at him.
The worry in his voice is immediate.
Instinctive.
Real.
And somehow that makes everything harder.
Because if he didn't care, this conversation would be easy.
Instead, you find yourself staring at someone who clearly does.
"I met Taylor."
The reaction is instant.
Every trace of color drains from his face.
"Oh."
You stare at him.
"Oh?"
Logan closes his eyes briefly.
You almost laugh.
Because that's never a good sign.
"What did she say?"
The question catches your attention immediately.
Not Who's Taylor?
Not Why were you talking to her?
Just immediate resignation.
Like he already knows exactly where this conversation is headed.
"She said everybody knew."
Logan groans.
Actually groans.
His head tips back toward the sky as though he's physically suffering.
"Oh my God."
Your eyebrows lift.
"What?"
He drags both hands down his face.
Under different circumstances, it would be hilarious.
Right now, you're mostly confused.
"Please tell me she didn't."
"Didn't what?"
His eyes close again.
For a moment he genuinely looks like he'd rather throw himself in front of a moving truck than continue this conversation.
Then he looks back at you.
The embarrassment on John Logan's face is so severe that you almost feel bad for him.
Almost.
"Please tell me she didn't tell you that I was obsessed with you."
Silence.
A long, horrible silence.
The second it stretches beyond a few seconds, Logan knows exactly what your answer is.
His eyes widen.
"Oh my God."
You bite the inside of your cheek.
"Oh my God, she did."
For the first time since you've known him, John Logan looks like he genuinely wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole.
And for some reason, after everything he's put you through over the years, watching him suffer feels surprisingly satisfying.
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Summary: Beau has hid his best friend Y/N from the group for years. She and him had been friends since middle school, living next to one another growing up, and now the pair were in the same college. Then the day happens, when Beau finally decides to introduce them to her. They all immediately are entranced by her and her personality, John Logan especiallyâŠ
Warning(s) throughout the series: strangers to lovers, mutual pining, swearing, mentions of softball plays/games, mentions of PTSD, angst, fluff, smut (18+)
The afternoon sun was brutal, and the large metal bleachers radiated heat, the air smelled like fresh-cut grass and dirt, and the sound of bats cracking echoed across the softball stadium.
The music was blaring loudly through the stadium speakers, players finished up their warmups, Y/n was finishing up with her pitcher. They were going through each pitch, discussing the gameplan, and how they were going to play it today.
"Remind me why we're here again?" Dean asked, stretching his legs out in front of him as they all sat in the front row right in the center.Â
"Because Beau threatened violence if we didn't come," Garrett snorted as he placed a hand on Hannahâs thigh. Beauâs head shot over towards Dean and Garrett.
"I didnât say I'd be mad, I said I'd be disappointed," he shot back with his finger pointing at them both. Beau rolled his eyes and leaned against the fence.
"So where's this best friend of yours?" Logan says as he nods toward the field below, and Beau smirks.
"Just wait and you'll see."
"That's all you ever say,â Allie snorts, making the guys giggle. âWhy canât we meet her right now?â she asks, and he shakes his head immediately.
"Because I'm not introducing you ladies, and these idiots before the game,â he giggles, pointing at the girls nicely, and then swats over towards the guys. Allie crossed her arms. "Why?"
"Because she'll get distracted. Sheâs big into her pregame superstitions,â he explains, watching the girls run over a fielding drill together, both Allie and Hannah laughed.
"No, because you're possessive,â Logan jokes, and Beau purses his lips in amusement as he nods.
"That is also correct,â he says back, causing everyone to chuckle.
Over the past year, they had heard countless stories about Y/N, because Beau talked about her constantly. Not in an annoying way, it was just naturally.
âY/N did this.â
âY/N said that.â
âY/N beat some girl to first from the outfield, and made a play.â
âY/N accidentally started an argument with a referee.â
âY/N somehow convinced me to drive three hours for tacos, and two in the fucking morning. Donât ask.â
They all knew she was important to him, but none of them had actually met her, and today would be the first time that they would all be seeing her. Hopefully meeting her.
It wasnât long until the game had started, the Briar team taking the field first, and they emerged from the dugout. Players spread across the field towards their positions, and Dean immediately pointed.
"Which one is she?" he asks, and Beau doesnât let him finish before shaking his head.
"Nope,â he hums, Dean still trying to get something out of him. "That one?"
"Nope."
Tucker smirked, and joined in. âIs she a blonde?"
"Nope."
Garrett groans, and Logan speaks this time. âDude, just spill. Youâre killing us here,â he laughs, and then Beau nodded toward home plate.Â
"There."
Everyone looked, watching as the girl wearing her full catcher gear walked up from the dugout, headed towards home plate. She had her mask hanging from one hand, glove on the other.
Her hair was long, her high bubble ponytail with a bow tied at the bottom with Briarâs colors swung back and forth. The moment she stepped to her spot behind the plate, she looked completely different from how Beau described her.
She looked confident. Focused. It was like she owned that field.
Logan's eyes followed her instantly, and not once did they leave her.Â
Beau noticed immediately, smirking right away as he noticed something interesting. Y/N tossed her mask down and started warming up her pitcher.
The first throw hit her glove with a loud crack, and so did the next one. Every catch looked effortless, her throws were nothing but straight cannons.
"Okay," Tucker admitted, leaning back against the bleachers. "She's kinda badass."
"Kinda?" Hannah said, she chuckles, raising a brow before motioning to her. "Look at her."
Y/N was squatted down when throwing down to second base, only dropping to her knees as she fired a throw to second. The ball looked like a missile as it reached the bag before the infielder even finished setting up.
Dean's eyebrows shot up. "Oh."
Garrett laughed, nodding towards him as their eyes never left her. "Oh is right."
Logan was still staring, caught up in his own mind. His own world. He was mesmerized. He couldnât see the way Beau was smirking. The game started a few minutes later.
Y/N crouched behind home plate, the umpire getting set behind her, as the opposing team's leadoff hitter stepped into the batter's box.
The entire group had never left her, watching how smart she was behind the plate. Y/N immediately caught the batter on first, who tried to delayed steal.
She adjusted, getting ready to throw it down, faking a play. She faked a throw to the pitcher, seeing that the runner took the bait, Y/N didnât hesitate to zip that ball straight to shortstop, to get the tag at two.
âYes! Good shit, Y/N! Beauty!â Beau yelled as he stood from his spot, hooting, whistling, and hollering.
Her team cheered as the runner was declared out, her pitcher coming to do their handshake, Y/N tossed the ball back to her pitcher with a grin.
"She's annoying, isn't she?" Hannah asked, mainly saying that because she just knew she was so entranced in her sport, she had to talk about it quite a lot.Â
"The worst," Beau said proudly, chuckling lightly as he clapped.
The second inning got even better, with a runner on first, there was one out. The batter slapped a ground ball through the infield, and the runner rounded second aggressively, going and trying for third.
Big mistake.
Y/N received the relay throw, she spun, and immediately fired. The ball arrived before the runner was halfway into her slide.
âSheâs out!âthe umpire hollers from the baseline, holding a fist up to signal the out, and the crowd erupted.
Dean stood up, letting out a hoot. "What a throw!" he cheers, Beau going to grab his bicep to pull him back down.
"Sit down," Beau said.
"I will not!"
Logan was grinning now, clapping and cheering too as he was completely invested.
By the third inning, Briar's offense started rolling, as Y/N walked toward the batter's box.
The crowd immediately got louder.
"She's one of Briarâs highest sitting averages, and best hitters," Beau explains to them, her teammates doing cheers from the dugout.
âReally? Whatâs her average?â Tucker asks, and Beau just nods towards her.Â
"Just watch."
The pitcher threw the first pitch, too high in the strike zone. Ball.Â
The next pitch came in quick. Fastball. Y/N crushed it, as the crack of the bat echoed across the entire complex.
Everyone's heads snapped up, watching the ball soar deep into left-center, and it hit off the back of the stadium cushioning.
Y/N exploded out of the box with no hesitation, no wasted time on watching where the ball went, no waste on her movement.
She was fast, flying around first, her eyes tracking where the yelling and action was, spotting the outfielder finally recovering the ball.
Most players would've stopped, but not Y/N. She was already rounding second, going to try for third.
Allie laughed, shaking her head. "She's insane."
The throw came in, almost a millisecond too late as Y/N slid safely into third.
The Briar dugout exploded, doing a cheer they created for each player, singing hers out loud and proud. Beau was cheering for her loudly, pointing down at her, seeing her eyes find his when she stood up. She raised her arms, cupping one in front of her face, as the other made an eating motion.
Beau looked completely unsurprised, pointing over at her with a knowing smirk, seeing her smiling widely with a laugh. She puts her hands on her hips as her coach tells her something.
"See?" Beau says, sitting back down. âTold you she is someone worth watching.â
Tucker shook his head, his eyes wide. "How in the world is she so fast?"
"No idea."
Y/N stood up, brushed dirt from her pants, her eyes laser focused back onto the upcoming pitch.
Logan couldn't stop smiling. Every few seconds his eyes drifted back toward third base, not realizing that Beau saw everything.
The game continued, and Y/N scored moments later. Then in the fifth inning she threw out another runner trying to delayed steal, and in the sixth she nailed a line drive double into right field.
"She's nasty," Garrett said, his tone in complete awe. âI always forget how good Softball players are. They truly are a different breed.âÂ
Beau shrugs as he flicks his gaze to look back at Garrett. "I've been telling you."
But Logan barely heard them. He was staring, and Beau noticed instantly as a slow smile spread across his face. "Oh, this is getting bad."
Logan blinked, snapping out of his daze. "What?"
Beau folded his arms, sighing playfully. "You are, buddy."
"What about me?"
"Dude, you've watched every at-bat she's had,â he giggles, making Logan look away.
"No I haven't,â he says as his voice gets quieter.Â
"Oh you absolutely have."
"I have been watching everybody,â he argues back, but his answer came back too quickly, making Beau snort.
"Name our shortstop."
Logan paused, opening his mouth only to close it a few seconds after. Beau smiled ear to ear. "Exactly."
The guys nearby burst out laughing, causing Logan to roll his eyes. "Shut up, I hate you all."
But Beau wasn't letting him off the hook.
Instead, he leaned forward, his gaze still checking to see Logan, who would continue tracking Y/N as she adjusted her batting gloves at second base.
"So,â he says once again, Logan looking at him with a confused expression.
"So what?"
"You like her, huh?â he says a little softer, not wanting to catch the rest of the groupâs attention.
Logan nearly choked, saving it to sound like a cough. Which failed completely. "No."
"Logan."
"No."
"Logan."
"No."
Beau pointed toward the field. "You literally haven't looked anywhere else, but her, for two innings."
Logan opened his mouth, only to close it. Then he opened it again. "She's just-" he lost his words, making Beau squint his eyes.
"Just what?"
"She's impressive." Logan sighed.
"Good save," Beau snorts with sarcasm dripping from his lips. Logan ignored him for a bit, but after a few moments, he spoke up again.
"How long has she been playing?"
Beau immediately laughed, nodding in understanding. "There it is."
"What?"
"The questions."
"What do you mean the questions?"
"The 'I totally don't like her but suddenly need her entire life story' type of questions."
Logan groaned, before Beau was already counting on his fingers.
"How old is she? What's her favorite color? What music does she listen to? Does she like dogs or cats-"
"I wasn't gonna ask any of those!" which made Beau give him a look with a raised brow.
"You were absolutely gonna ask those,â he says back as he watches Logan rub a hand over his face. Deep down Beau was enjoying this way too much.
He turned back to watch the game, but smirks when he hears Logan talking again. "How long has she played?"
Beau lets out a dry laugh. "Since she was little. Four or five if I remember correctly."
"Really?"
"Yep."
"She's good."
"Better than good."
Logan watched as Y/N clapped on base, voice loud as she was cheering on her teammate up at bat. "Best hitter on the team?"
"One of the top on their leaderboard."
Logan nodded, knowing after her hits, that it had tracked. Everything she'd hit today had been crushed. A few moments passed, Beau cheering as her teammate took a pitch to the shin, taking her base.Â
"She's their main catcher every game?" Logan asks, his eyes still on her, not realizing how he was looking at Y/N. Beau immediately turned.
"There it is again."
"What?"
"Question number two."
"It's a normal question."
"Sure,â Beau chuckled as shook his head, then answered after a few seconds. âBut yes. Every game."
Logan looked genuinely impressed. "That's rough on the knees."
"Sheâs got strong legs. Stronger than ours probably,â Beau answers, turning to look at Logan for a second. âYou're learning softball now?"
"I like to learn about other sports."
Beau laughed. "No, you like to learn about Y/N."
Before Logan could respond, the next batter brought her home with a line drive, the crowd cheering excitedly as she crossed the plate.
Y/N pointed toward her dugout, smiling wide as her team exploded, knowing she was the tie breaker to bring in.
Logan couldn't stop smiling, and Beau saw it. He honestly saw all of it.
The way Logan's eyes followed her, and the way he picked up every little thing. It wasn't subtle anymore, but he knew Logan wouldnât admit it, not even to himself.
Beau nudged him. "So when are you talking to her?"
Logan looked horrified, leaning back in his seat as she disappeared from view, into the dugout. Almost like his body was physically relaxing. "What?"
"When are you talking to her?"
âIâm not,â Logan looked back toward the field. âSheâs your best friend. Youâve kept her hidden for a reason,â he stutters out, creating excuses. âI donât even think Iâd know what to say.â
Y/N had removed her helmet and was laughing at something one of her teammates said. When the sunlight caught her face, Logan completely forgot Beau was standing there. He bit his lip as he couldn't get her out of his now, trying to hide the smile on his face.
Beau saw that too. "Oh, wow. It's worse than I thought,â Beau giggles. Logan finally tore his eyes away. "What is?"
"You are absolutely gone. Youâve got the hots for my best friend, donât you?"
"No,â he was too quick with his answer.
"You watched her smile and it looked like somebody just handed you a winning lottery ticket,â he joked back and Logan groaned while trying to hide his face.
"Can you stop?"
"Nope."
"Please, Iâm even asking nicely."
"Not a chance,â Beau laughed, but then lowered his voice. "You know she likes people who actually talk, right?"
Logan looked through his hands at him, an expression of confusion and interest. "Huh?"
"I'm serious."
Now he had Logan's full attention, making him grin. Somewhere across the field, completely unaware, Y/N was jogging back toward home plate to warm-up her pitcher for the next inning.
The final inning arrived with Briar ahead, there were two outs with a runner on first, and the opposing team desperately needed something.
The batter connected with a sharp line drive into shallow center, making the runner take off, trying to force something.
Y/N immediately started directing traffic. "Cut four! Cut four!" Her powerful and loud voice echoes throughout the cheers from the other team, her mask being whipped off as she steps up to the plate.Â
The ball was quick to come in, being thrown her way, Y/N immediately snagged it into her glove and turned down to apply the tag.
The Umpires had come to look closer, before signaling up with a fist. Out, and that meant game over.
The crowd erupted, and the players cheered with one another as Y/N went up to shake hands with the umpires, and then rushed up to do her handshake with her pitcher.
She was sweaty, covered in dirt while smiling. Logan couldnât help but still think she was absolutely beautiful. That was apparently the exact moment Logan got himself into trouble, because he couldn't stop staring.
Beau folded his arms.
"Oh, no."
Logan jumped, turning to see Beauâs shit-eating grin. "What?"
"Oh, absolutely not,â Beau shook his head as they all began to stand up from their spots.Â
"What?" Logan asks again, his voice an octave higher, and Dean immediately looks between them. Then burst out laughing.
"Oh no."
Garrett caught on next, not like it was hard to miss. "Oh yes!"
Dean wheezes out. "Looks like Logan had a massive crush on your bestie, Beau!"
"I- What? No! I do not," Logan sputters out, feeling the way his face was heating up as he tried to argue back with the allegations.
"You do,â Hannah chuckles, and he shook his head immediately.
"I don't."
"You absolutely do!â She laughed even more, and Logan looked horrified staring back down at the field while Y/N was still celebrating with her teammates, completely unaware. Beau looked genuinely offended.
"That's my best friend,â he trails off slowly, crossing his arms.
"So?"
"So?" Beau stared at him in shock, Logan rubbed a hand over his face.
"I literally haven't even met her,â he scoffs, still stuttering over his words as he felt his heart beating quicker. Beau leans forward with a knowingly smug smirk. "And yet?"
Logan groans, running a hand through his hair. "I can't help it!"
Everyone exploded into laughter, Dean fell back a bit while Tucker nearly fell off the bleachers.
Beau groaned dramatically. "This is a nightmare."
"It's been thirty seconds," Dean said.
"Thirty seconds too fucking many."
Down on the field, Y/N finally looked toward the stands, her eyes immediately found Beau. A huge smile spread across her face, and she waved, seeing as Beau waved back automatically.
Then Y/N noticed the group beside him, seeing the friends she'd heard so much about. She gave them all a curious smile, a few quick waves, and then disappeared back toward her teammates.
Logan watched her go, and Beau caught him yet again.
"John Logan."
"What?â
"Behave."
Dean nearly choked laughing, as Garrett slapped Logan's shoulder. Hannah and Allie were both grinning, and for the first time all afternoon, Logan looked nervous.
Because seeing Y/N from a distance had been one thing, but actually meeting her after the game?
That was going to be a completely different challenge. He felt like he might shit his heart out. The second Y/N looked toward the fence and smiled at them once again, the entire group noticed.
Unfortunately for Logan, ââOhhh shit,â Dean's voice rang out immediately, and Logan closed his eyes as his head fell backward. "No."
"She smiled at you."
"She smiled in this direction, dumbass."
"At you."
"Dean, I swear-"
"At. You,â he sings out, and Garrett was already laughing. "Dude's been staring at her for two hours and got rewarded,â he adds in, hands on his knees as he is laughing.Â
"I have not been staring at her,â he tries to argue, only for the entire group to look at him.
"You literally were asking every single stat about her to Beau," Tucker deadpanned, and Logan looked at him in shock, making Tucker nod. âYes, we all heard it.â
Logan pointed at him. "That's normal."
"No, it isn't,â Beau giggles back, sticking his hands into his pockets. "Not unless you're scouting for a pro team," Hannah added as Allie nearly doubled over laughing while Logan groaned.
Meanwhile, Beau stood with his arms crossed, watching the whole thing unfold. "See? It isn't just me,â he answers, watching as Logan shot him a look.
"You're enjoying this way too much."
"Oh, immensely."
Beau wasn't even trying to hide it anymore. The funny thing was that while he was clearly entertained, there was also a very obvious protective edge to him whenever Y/N came up.
It was the kind of energy that came from years of friendship..
A moment later, Beau leaned casually against the netted protection from the stadium. "So."
Logan narrowed his eyes.
"So?"
"Why exactly do you like about her?"
The entire group instantly got quiet. "Oh this is good," Tucker said. Dean hisses afterwards with a cringe. âHere comes papa Beau, rest in peace Logan.â
Logan looked horrified at both Beauâs now intimidating expression and Deanâs words. "I'm not answering that."
"Why not?"
"Because, just, not in front of these hooligans,â he says but then looks at the two girl. âBesides you two. Love you both,â then turns back to look at Beau with a curt shake of his head. âNo."
Beau was trying, and failing, not to laugh. Then his expression shifted slightly as he looked back toward the field, watching her shake hands with the opposing team. "Just so we're clear."
Logan immediately recognized that tone. It was his protective one. The big-brother tone. Beau pointed toward Y/N. "She's my best friend. Sheâs family."
Logan nodded, knowing that this was coming. Beau has never played around when it came to Y/N. It took them how long to finally meet her because he knew how the guys would act, and he was being protective for many reasons. "I know."
"I mean it Logan. I will absolutely make your life miserable. I donât play when it comes to her."
"Protective Beau has arrived,â Dean wheezes out, patting Loganâs back as the other friends in the group laughed with him.
Beau ignored them, knowing it was bound to happen, still staring at Logan. "I'm serious,â he says with no sign of jokes or sarcasm. Dean looked between them.
"Did we just witness a weird brother approval interview?"
"Before they've even gone on a date?" Hannah added, and Allie was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes.
A few minutes later, he pushed away from the netting, nodding at his friends. "I'm gonna go say hi, and see what her plan is. She gets busy post game, so Iâll see what sheâs thinking.â
Dean pointed dramatically. "Tell your secret superstar friend we have complaints."
"What complaints?"
"You kept her hidden."
Beau laughed. "She's a person, not a treasure map."
"Well thatâs debatable, because you have never brought her around, Goose."
Beau shakes his head with a snort at Dean, and then heads down to the field. Y/N was finishing a quick conversation with one of her coaches when she spotted Beau approaching the opening on the far side of her dugout.
A grin immediately appeared on her lips, bidding goodbyes to her coaches before heading his way. "There he is,â she chuckles, Beau laughs back with a sarcastic wink.
"There she is."
They met halfway, Beau not hesitating to lean against the opening as Y/N bumped her shoulder against his.Â
"You watched?"
"Unfortunately,â he hums out a huff, giving her a fake pout. She gasped dramatically, putting a hand on her chest.
"Rude!â
"You only got like four hits."
"Three. The fourth was a shitty one to shortstop."
"Wow, absolutely terrible. Do you even play D1?"
"Honestly so embarrassing."
They both laughed, knowing the ease between them was obvious. He nudges her and nods back. "You played great though, not a bad play made," Beau admitted, watching as Y/N made a face before scoffing and crossing her arms over her chest.
"I left two runners on."
"You had a triple."
"I still left runners on."
"There it is."
"What?"
"The catcher perfectionism,â he hums. âAlways downplaying your hard work. You had one wrong move, but you solved it effortlessly. Look at it from that point of view.â
She rolled her eyes, trying to hide her smile of appreciation. Beau was always able to prevent her mind from going into the gutter. "Whatever."
Beau laughed as she pushed his shoulder playfully, then he nodded toward the stands above.
"So,â he trails off,Â
Y/N followed his gaze, seeing the entire group was still standing there.
Dean was waving both arms like an idiot, Garrett was yelling something incomprehensible, and Tucker was laughing.
Allie and Hannah were trying unsuccessfully to get everyone to act normal, Y/N immediately laughed. "Those your friends youâve yet to let me meet?"
"Unfortunately," he grimaces with a nod, and she lets out a suspicious hum.Â
"Wow. Theyâre definitely your friends alright."
"Exactly."
She smirked. "They seem chaotic."
"They absolutely are."
"Should I be worried?"
"Probably."
Y/N laughed again while Beau shook his head. He gave her a distant look that caused her to squint at him.
"They want to meet you."
"Oh?"
"Apparently they're offended I've never introduced you,â he adds, shrugging his shoulders like it was nothing and she snorted.
"That's actually kind of funny," she giggles. âBut thatâs also because youâve kept me hidden, my good sir.â
âWow you and Dean will get along great. He just said the same thing.â
âRespect,â she nods. âWise man,â she added before she heard her name, and glanced back toward her dugout. One of her co-captains were ushering for her to come join for post game stuff, making her nod and put up a finger while mouthing, âOne secondâÂ
She looks back at Beau and nods. "Iâm up for it, but I have interviews and team stuff first."
"That's fine, they get that.â
"But I'll come over before I change,â she suggests. â Because itâs gonna take a bit before I leave the locker rooms. That way we can figure out what the plans are after."
Beau nods, bringing his hand up to do their handshake. "Amazing. Take your time."
Y/N pointed at him as she turned to walk away. "If they start a fight while I'm gone, that's on you."
"No promises!â he hollered back, causing a couple of giggles to leave her mouth.
Fifteen to twenty minutes had passed since Y/N had talked with Beau, her eyes would occasionally look up to catch them all mostly talking.
She didnât know that they were also teasing Logan, which had become everyone's favorite activity. Logan was talking about something else to change the subject, Beau hearing the crunch of metal cleats jogging to their direction, making him hold a hand up with a smug grin.
"She's coming over."
Logan immediately sat up straighter. Dean saw it. âThis is fucking hilarious,â he wheezes lightly, Logan frowning. "Now what?"
"You perked up. It was so obvious.
"I did not."
"You absolutely did."
Garrett nodded, and added in, "That was immediate."
"I hate all of you."
"Oh yeah, look at him. He's nervous." Allie laughed, pointing over at the brown-haired boy from her spot under Deanâs arm.
âTry not to drop the L bomb on the first meeting,â Beau snickers while smiling widely over at Y/N. Before Logan could argue, a voice perked up. "There they are."
Everyone turned to see Y/N was jogging toward them. Still in uniform, her hair still pulled back, she had confidence practically radiating off her. She didnât have her catcherâs gear on like she did when Beau stopped over.
âHey guys,â she laughs once she makes it to their group, everyone was beaming and saying their greetings back, followed by some fun comments.Â
"Finally,â Beau exasperates, pulling into a side hug. She rolled her eyes. "Well jeepers, sorry. I kept being summoned."
"You kept the celebrities waiting."
Y/N laughed.
"The only celebrity here would be Garrett Graham," she shot back, nodding towards him, making Garrett laugh loudly.Â
âShe knows her shit,â he laughs while pointing at her.
She smiles proudly, before shrugging her shoulders. âHeâs said a thing or two. I also grew up in a hockey family, so itâs law to know hockey.â
âI like her. I like her very much,â Dean interrupts, making her chuckle. "So you're the mystery friend."
Y/N pointed at Beau, a fake look of confusion. "He tells people I'm mysterious?"
"Donât start,â he whines, Dean cuts back in.
"We just couldn't believe someone this cool existed and he'd never introduced us."
"Beau, how could you?" Y/N gasped dramatically. âFirst you keep me in hiding, and then you go and tell them Iâm some mystery girl? What is this, your bachelor pad?â
"I regret everything in this moment,â Beau purses his lips, and points at Dean. âI regret letting you both meet one another. Now I've got two versions of Dean.â
âSo thatâs Dean? The one I pretty much quoted line for line without knowing?â Dean and Y/N look at each other with smug expressions. âI knew we would get along just fine,â she laughs, and the group burst out laughing.
Garrett shook his head as he pointed to the field. "Seriously though? That was insane."
"It was alright,â Y/N shrugged, Garrett gave her a knowing grin. Every athlete nearby would recognize that kind of answer. The universal "I could've done better" response.
Hannah laughed. "That's such an athlete's answer.âÂ
She shrugs. "Unfortunately,â she then adds. âSorry youâre going to have to hear more athlete talk. You probably already hear too much from this load.âÂ
âOh no, after what we just watched? Iâm invested,â Hannah answers, playfully swatting in her direction, Allie nodding. "You were on fucking fire. Seriously, I may have a girl crush on you," Allie added, making Dean let out a choked sound, causing the boys to snicker.Â
Y/N smiled as she laughed. âWhy thank you. I work very hard to at least look like Iâm doing something right,â she jokes, and then Dean jumps back in.
"I think the bigger question is why Beau hid you from us,â he trails off, and she slowly turns to look up at Beau with a look that says everything. Before she could say another snide remark, Beau shook his head and pushed her head away playfully.
"Don't encourage them,â he shot, making her push him back. âI can sense the wrong decisions coming from a mile away. Donât start.â
"No, I think I will,â she throws back, smiling smugly. âThey will definitely be joining in on my shenanigans.â
The group laughed again, all the while Logan stood slightly toward the back. He was trying to play it cool.
Because now that she was standing right here? It was somehow worse.
She was funny, and extremely confident. She made herself feel easy to talk to.
It was exactly like she'd seemed from the field. Then he felt himself almost buckle to the ground when Y/N looked directly at him. "You're Logan, right?"
His brain briefly stopped functioning. "Uh,â he muttered before he could stop himself, Dean immediately covered his mouth to stop himself from laughing. "Yeah."
Y/N smiled sweetly at him. Nothing snarky, snide or smug about it. She was giving him a softer, more gentle smile. Something flickered between her eyes. "Nice to finally meet you."
Finally?
Logan blinked a couple times, then snapped out of the haze. "Finally?" he asked her, finally finding his voice, and she nodded.
"Beau talks about all of you,â she admits, and Beau groaned immediately. âSo I kind of felt like I already knew everybody."
"Hopefully only the good stories?â Logan laughed, trying to keep his composure looking cool and collected. He was definitely the opposite.Â
"Oh, definitely not,â she giggled, and the group erupted.
"YES."
"Thank goodness."
"She's good, I really like her."
Y/N grinned, and soon enough Logan found himself smiling too. A lot.
Which Dean noticed immediately. Of course he did.
"So," Dean said, trailing his voice off. "Logan's been very interested in softball today."
Logan nearly died, staring at Dean like he was ready to gouge out his eyes with the edge of his hockey stick. "Dean."
"What?"
Y/N looked amused, turning back to look at Logan. She was amused and he could slightly see the peak of interest in her face. "Oh?"
"He asked for your stats."
The group exploded, and Y/N turned toward Logan. One eyebrow raised. "My stats, huh?"
Logan pointed at Dean, looking over at him. "I'm gonna throw you into traffic."
Y/N laughed, and it was the sound that immediately made Logan smile again.
"Donât be embarrassed,â she says softly. âThat's actually kind of cute."
Dean nearly collapsed, while Allie hid her face in his chest. Hannah bit at her hand while leaning into Garrettâs back
Garrett doubled over, and Tucker looked like he was about to cry laughing. Logan stared, and saw that Y/N looked completely unbothered.
She was just smiling. She looked comfortable, and completely at ease. Then she tilted her head slightly. "So?"
"So what?"
"Were you impressed?" She asks like it was the simplest question ever. The grin she gave him was undeniably teasing, maybe even a little flirty.
The group immediately got quieter. They were watching. Waiting.
Logan somehow managed a smile. "I was."
Y/N nodded, her smile lit up even more, Y/N could feel her face heating up. "As you should be,â she answers back, the confidence in the answer made everyone laugh.
"Wow,â Logan chuckles. â She's got the jokes and the confidence,â he shoots, his arms crossed over his chest, and Y/N pointed toward the field. "I earned my confidence."
"That is fair."
She looked back at Logan. "Good answer, though."
Logan laughed.
"Thanks? I think?â
"You're welcome,â she answers back. For a second, neither of them looked away from each other. Not until Dean dramatically stepped between them. "Okay, no mroe eye contact."
"What?"
"None."
"Dean."
"I'm protecting the group from whatever this is," Dean jokes, pointing at them both. âIâm protecting them from the eye fucking that was about to happen.â
The entire circle dissolved into laughter, including Y/N, who was now grinning directly at Logan. If Beau noticed the way both of them kept finding reasons to look at each other during the rest of the conversation, he absolutely noticed, but he just wasnât saying anything about it.
A/N: i havenât written in such a hot minute, this may be actual garbage. will probably be a part 2, based on the olivia rodrigo song i love to cry to. typos are probable, iâm trying lol.
summary: in which you are in love with your best friend, John Logan. but heâs got feelings for Hannah, your competition in the pop showcase. feelings may arise.
pairing: john logan x bestfriend!reader
wc: ~1.7k
tw: angsty, feelings of doubt, discussions of insecurity
âââââ
You were incredibly, 100% without a doubt, obvious to everyone but him, in love with your best friend John Logan.
Problem was, your best friend, John Logan, was 100% without a doubt, obvious to everyone including yourself, in love with someone else.
Your friend from class, Hannah.
And youâre competing against her in the pop showcase for a scholarship you both really, really needed.
You couldnât even blame Logan, not really. Every time you looked at Hannah, you saw everything that in your mind you werenât. Flaws and insecurities came to the surface and picked at the front of your mind until your conscious echoed the harshest criticisms. Things you could never say about someone else, but so frequently iterated inside your own mind. You couldnât help but draw comparisons to her.
Sheâs prettier.
More talented.
Smarter.
Kinder.
She seemed to float on air, her energy absolutely magnetic.
Who wouldnât be drawn to her?
Hell, you could be in love with her from the way he talked about her. His eyes lit up every time he saw her, lingering every time she crossed his path until she was out of sight. When Logan saw Hannah he stood straighter, he was easygoing, he was being a gentleman every chance he got all while hoping she would notice him just once.
Hannah couldnât harm a fly but she could probably make friends with a fence post. She was everything you werenât. And you were abundantly aware of it every day.
Today was no exception.
You were sat across from Logan at Maloneâs in the afternoon, eating loose fries and trying to come up with a song for the showcase. Trying and failing to get Loganâs attention or opinion.
âI just donât know that I like this melody, it doesnât feel like it has anywhere to go until the bridge.â
âYeah, no for sure.â
Logan wasnât paying attention. You looked up, eyes darting to your oblivious best friend and his googly eyes that never saw you. Your gaze softened, heart in vice grip as you realized whatâor rather whoâhad caught his attention.
He was staring at Hannah, whose section you were seated in.
You remained silent for a few moments, collecting your thoughts and trying to rein in your emotions as you desperately attempted to swallow the lump that threatened to stop your ability to breathe completely.
Inhaling deeply, you focus on Loganâs hands sitting on the table in front of you to try and refocus before the storm brewing beneath the surface took over. You had memorized every freckle and scar, every callus from the years of playing hockey, and how he had a nervous habit of biting his nails when he was extremely stressed, something he was extraordinarily good at hiding. It was one of the only tells you had to when things were really starting to weigh him down and that he was moments away from going ghost mode until he figured his shit out. He was tapping his thumb on the table top, a soft rhythm thumping away, pulling you back into the moment and out of your reverie.
âEarth to Logan, hello,â you said, waving a hand in front of his eyes.
âSorry, what?â Loganâs eyes shot back to you, looking at you for the first time since you had sat down in the booth.
âYou didnât listen to a word I said in the last 15 minutes did you?â you asked.
âI was listening, I promise,â Logan argued back.
âYou were drooling, more like,â you teased. The smile you hoped was convincing didnât quite meet your eyes.
âY/N,â Logan drew out your name as he winced at being caught in the moment.
âLogan.â
âTo be fair, it took you 15 minutes to notice I wasnât listening,â Logan joked, laughing airily as he threw his hands up in mock-surrender.
âYouâre such an ass, John Loganâ you tossed a fry at his face, forcing a laugh.
âNo Iâm kidding, I was listening. I promise I was.â
You tilted your head towards him to ask, âReally?â
âWell, mostly,â he smiled sheepishly.
You rolled your eyes and lowered your gaze to stare at the pages on the table filled with scratched out lyrics and ideas for different chord progressions, rhythmically tapping your pencil to match Loganâs beat from earlier.
âYouâre stressed about your song, you donât like the melody. You canât decide how full of a production to make it or at what point is too much too much, and you wrote the last lyrics of the song but now you feel like you have to back track to the beginning because you donât like any of the original lyrics you wrote a few days ago.â
You leaned back against the booth, cool vinyl pressing into your skin as warmth crawled up the back of your neck.
âWow, so he can listen while he gawks. Who knew a man could be capable of multitasking like that,â you tease, a genuine laugh escaping despite the pangs you feel in your heart every time Logan steals a glance back at the counter.
It was Loganâs turn to throw a fry at your face, laughing lightly with a lopsided grin.
âI listen to you, dork. But I donât know how much help I could be to you unfortunately.â
âThatâs okay, Iâll make something work. I didnât expect you to have the answer to all my problems.â
Logan went silent again for a brief moment, glancing back at the counter and contemplating his next thoughts. He was tapping his thumb along to your pencil, pausing as suddenly an idea sprang into his mind.
âHey why donât you ask Hannah, sheâs doing the showcase too right? Maybe she can help you and give you some ideas,â Logan suggested, his eyes flickering to you.
Right. There it was.
Hannah, Hannah, Hannah.
Everything she was, everything you werenât.
His grand idea felt like a stab to the heart and an echo of the evil voice inside your conscious. A reminder of how you felt about yourself, and how Logan felt about Hannah.
Silence passed between you and Logan, for one beat. Then two.
âIâm not sure how that would go over, asking her to help me compete against her,â you drew out your words slowly, trying not to dwell on the underlying feelings.
Logan was quiet for a minute, and then he nodded as he considered your words.
âFair enough, I suppose thatâs true. I look forward to hearing your song though, once you figure it out,â Logan said.
You put your best smile on, albeit a small one.
âIâll do my best,â you offered limply.
âThatâs my girl.â
Your heart involuntarily fluttered.
My girl, he had said.
If only.
Logan stood up abruptly from the table, âHey, I gotta get going. Iâve got practice so Iâll text you later. We good for our movie night Friday?â Logan hovered nearby as he asked.
âOf course, Iâll see you then,â
âGreat, see you later.â
Logan was gone before you could say your farewell, you stared at his retreating figure as he paused at the counter and talked to Hannah. He was smiling at something she said, eyes crinkling as she giggled in return.
It felt as though someone had carved the heart out of your chest, stomped on it, and tossed it around the ice like a hockey puck.
Loganâs specialty, you supposed.
You looked down at your notes as corners of your vision blurred with tears threatening to escape. You had been best friends with Logan since your freshman year at Briar University. You sat next to each other in your English Literature general elective class and became fast friends as you poked fun at that professorâs drawling monologues about Shakespearean love and tragedies. Rather ironic, you couldnât help but think, looking back at the memories now.
A voice interrupted your daydreaming.
âHey, were you still doing okay or did you need anything?â
Hannah was staring at you now, her question hanging over as you startled out of your reminiscing.
âYeah sorry, I was spacing out for a second. Iâm all good, Hannah. Thanks for checking. How much was the bill?â You asked, reaching to grab your wallet from your bag.
âOh no worries, your friend paid already at the counter. Youâre all good,â Hannah said with her usual radiant smile.
âUgh he did? Damn, it was my turn to pay,â you groaned.
âHeâs really sweet, you guys would be pretty cute together,â Hannah winked at you, letting out a small giggle.
The grip around your heart squeezed impossibly tighter.
âIâm just saying, Y/N. Youâre so stunning and smart, you could pull any guy. Youâre a total catch! Besides, I think heâs a little bit into you,â Hannah wiggled her eyebrows at you.
She meant well, you knew she did. But Hannahâs compliments feel more like bullets pointed at your deepest hurt.
âYeah, I donât see that happening,â you couldnât help but scoff.
You were trying to be as nonchalant as possible. It did absolutely nothing to help the war happening in your mind and the pain in your heart.
âWell, if you change your mind I will happily stand up as a day one supporter. I gotta go seat a couple people, let me know if you need anything,â Hannah beamed as she fluttered away to the counter.
You could only stare as she floated away, taking in everything about Hannah. You could smell the faint scent of her perfume in her wake, her hair bouncing as she strode along with a twinkle in her eye and an infectious smile that lit up the room.
A literal angel.
Maybe you werenât what Logan wanted, that you could begrudgingly accept. You never expected him to return your feelings or to hold a candle for you when he was constantly surrounded by the most gorgeous girls to walk around Briar.
And you could see why he liked Hannah.
But that never softened the hurt or the pangs of longing.
You started tapping your pencil again, glancing over at Hannah once more as inspiration slowly crept into your mind, a melody forming for the first time in days. You put your pencil to the paper and began to write. You couldnât tell Logan how you felt, but maybe you could put your feelings into this song.
Maybe that would be enough.
Maybe that could help tame the hurt.
Maybe.
ââââ
A/N: if this is garbage pls close ur eyes. hope yâall like my late night inspo
in which you and john spectacularly fail at keeping your promise
pairing: john logan x f!reader
series summary: You and John Logan are childhood best friends. You share the kind of emotional intimacy only two people who have seen each other grow up can have, but now youâre no longer kids, youâre college students and trying to navigate the complex time between childhood and adulthood. Before joining John at Briar U a year after him, you were convinced your silly crush had faded, but now that youâre back in his orbit, youâre no longer so sure. You try your best to remain just friends, but watching him turn from the boy down the street to the big man on campus is harder than you thought. And youâre not sure how much more you can take of watching him overlook you time and time again.
contains: ANGST!!! heavy stuff, childhood trauma, addiction, swearing, emotional abusive parent, fighting, cursing, no use of y/n (logan calls reader by nickname: birdie) read with caution!
authorâs note: iâm so tired and i honestly donât know how im gonna feel about this one tomorrow or if there are 10,000 typos but here ya go!!! in loganâs pov <3 really some heavy stuff, so plz read warnings and proceed with caution. love u guys!!!
Garrett Grahamâs fingers were brushing your shoulder.
And John Logan was fantasizing about cutting those fingers off.
John, at least, had the decency to feel guilty about it. He knew he had no right, but nevertheless, he could not take his eyes off the couch across the living room from him where you and Garrett sat; you completely oblivious while talking with Tucker, and Garrett staring at your profile with his arm on the back of the sofa, his fingertips just grazing your skin.
You probably couldnât even feel it, most people wouldnât notice it, but John did. He noticed everything.
The both of you swore to everyone that you were just friends. Maybe you were, but Garrett didnât want to be. John knew his best friend, he knew the look in his eyes. He knew it because he felt the same. The only difference between the two was one of them wasnât a complete and total idiot.
John loved Garrett. He was a good friend, a great hockey player, even a decent roommate, but there were times when John really did not like Garrett. One of those times, of course, was right nowâwatching him breathe your air and make you laugh. Some of those other times, it was due to his complete and total lack of awareness at his privileged upbringing.
He knew Phil Graham wasnât the best guy in the world, but no one seemed to care more about their sonâs career than he did. He got Garrett the best coaches, tutors, equipment, sponsorships. John would have killed for his dad just to know he made the Briar hockey team, let alone care enough to invest in his future. None of that seemed to matter to Garrett, though. He had no idea how good he had it.
The Grahamâs didnât have the kind of wealth that was flashyâthey werenât buying yachts or spending half the year in their vacation home in St. Barts, but it was the kind of wealth that those without noticed. And John noticed.
When things were broken in the house, Garrett called someone else to come fix them right away. When his car started making a funny noise, heâd trade it in for a new one. Once, he complained because one of the guys on the hockey team was chronically late to practice because he had a job, but the kid couldnât afford to go to school without one. He worked at Maloneâs, had served the team thousands of times, but when he got kicked off and John took the time to tell Garrett why he was always late, Garrett claimed he didnât know, that he hadnât noticed him.
Things came easy for Garrett. He made it all look so effortless. For John, that hadnât ever been the case.
When Johnâs dad left, after his mom was through throwing his things out onto the lawn, she leaned down, took him by the shoulders and said, âyouâre the man of the house now. Youâve got to step up.â He was eight.
He tried his best, he really did. However, it seemed that no matter what he did, it wasnât right. He felt weighed down by expectations and like he was drowning in another manâs shoes he was desperately trying to fill. He didnât know his father super well. Even when he did live with them, he worked a lot. His parents had opened the garage together a year after they got married; their first child a shared dream. It probably should have been their only child, but nevertheless, John came along shortly after, and then Jules, and their mom was expected to stay home with them. It was fairly obvious to him that she didnât want to.
Thatâs when the fighting started. Back then, his parents spent most nights in a screaming match over various issues; money, the garage, whether or not his dad was sleeping with other women.
John once asked his mom in the aftermath of a particularly harsh argument that was soothed by a cigarette on the porch and a glass of whiskey. âWhy do you stay with him?â
âBecause I love him,â she answered hoarsely. âLike a fool.â
I hope I never fall in love, John thought then.
It took him a while to put a name to what he felt for you. He knew love to be as destructive as a tornado, as all-consuming as addiction, and as corrosive as a cancer. What he felt for you was something soft, steady, and warm. It was something precious he felt meant to protect.
Heâd done a shitty job of that so far, and it started that night before he left for Briar.
He hadnât planned to say the things he did to you, but he felt like something inside him had shaken loose that summer and he was helpless to stop the landslide.
When you kissed him, he was utterly gone. Nothing existed in his head but you; the feel of your soft body fitting perfectly into his, the give and take of your lips, the smell of your shampoo.
Heâd spent so long resisting. So long telling himself that this fragile, beautiful thing between the two of you was too precious to risk. But the surrender was addicting.
Everything came rushing back the moment you asked what the kiss meant. He wasnât afraid of the question, or you, he was afraid of his answer.
Everything, he wanted to say. But he knew from the moment he first saw you he wasnât meant to have you. He knew when he watched you sitting up in your tree, the pop of your pink sneakers the only thing visible through the branches, that you were like a flame and his touch would only smother you.
So he said what he knew would hurt you, to get you to pull away. Heâd allowed himself a momentary lapse in judgement, and it would have to last him the rest of his life.
When he walked back to his house, shattered and broken feeling, his mom had been sitting on the porch with her usual cigarette and glass of whiskey. She said nothing when she saw him, but he could tell from her face that sheâd heard what just transpired between the two of you.
As he passed her, she muttered, âthat girl deserves so much better than you.â
âI know,â was all he could say.
John told himself that if it were anyone else pursuing you, he could get past it. Anyone but Garrett Graham, his best friend, the man who got everything he wanted. And as he watched his hand slowly inch closer to you, your body relaxing in his hold, that fact was proving true.
He clenched his fist to the point of pain in his lap, knowing if looks could kill, Garrett would be dead.
He was only brought back to the moment when he felt Grace gently cover her hand over his, a knowing look in her clear eyes.
She got up off the couch so suddenly, everyone paused their conversation. John followed her after a moment into the backyard where she was now standing, her back to him and her arms wrapped around herself to fight off the biting cold.
John draped his jacket over her shoulders, and had she been less cold, he knew she would have thrown it right back in his face, but she wrapped it further around herself.
âWhy did you want to get back together with me?â She wastes no time beating around the bush. It was one of the things he appreciated about her. John flinches but before he can respond, Grace is continuing. âWas it to spite her? Make her jealous?â
âNo,â he immediately denies.
âThen why? Itâs so clear sheâs the one you want to be with.â
âI really like you Graceââ
âBut you love her.â
His mouth opened and closed as he stared at her, the lie on the tip of his tongue but something in him wouldnât let him say it.
She laughs bitterly, taking his silence as confirmation. âI knew it, too. I knew you were both lying to me and I didnât care. I just hopedâŠâ she shakes her head. âI guess Iâm to blame too.â
âNo, Grace. Youâve done nothing wrong. We shouldnâtââŠI shouldnât have involved you. I should have left as soon as I found out she wasnât at the dorm that day.â Heâd gone there in search of you, anyway. But you were off with Garrett, and instead there was Grace, smiling so brightly at him. It was selfish and petty, but it was also easier with Grace. He didnât feel ripped open every time she walked into a room. He could breathe without her there. Unlike you.
âWhy donât you tell her?â She asks.
âTell her what?â He plays dumb.
âThat youâre in love with her.â
He sighs. âShe deserves better than me,â was all he could think to say.
âI donât think you get to decide that.â He felt exposed, like a nerve. He looked up at the dark sky because he couldnât look at her face anymore with all its morose lines and sullen angles. It had slowly morphed into something even worse than her previous anger: pity. âWhat is it that makes you so determined not to be happy?â
He felt like the wind was knocked out of him then. He hadnât⊠He wasnâtâŠ
God. Was she right?
âI donât know,â he murmurs, his voice thick with emotion.
âMaybe you should take the time to figure that out.â She hands him back his jacket before walking back inside, and he knows he wonât be seeing her again.
-
Itâs Christmas Eve the next time he sees you.
Your family always hosts a small get together. He hadnât come to the last one, heâd spent Christmas Eve in the rehab facility with Jules and their mom. She had been sober since her stay over Thanksgiving, but John gave up hoping a long time ago. It was safer to expect the worst.
When the three of them walked in, his eyes found you immedaitely like they always did. You were standing in the corner of the living room with your sisters, your nails a wine red that matched the liquid in your glass. Your lips were red too. He wondered if you tasted like the wine you drank.
He walked straight toward the kitchen for a drink.
The whole night it felt like the two of you orbited each other, but never came together. You talked with different people on opposite sides of the room, your eyes always finding and catching each other.
âJohn.â your mom suddenly appeared in front of him, snapping him out of his staring contest with you. âThat faucet is acting up again, would you mind coming to take a look?â
âOf course.â He smiled and handed off his drink to Jules beside him before heading into the kitchen.
You found him a few minutes later underneath the sink. âOh no,â you began. âSheâs got you doing manual labor at a party.â
âI gotta sing for my dinner, Birdie,â he joked, his words slightly muffled while tightening the bolts on the pipes. You watched him work with your back pressed to the sink behind you and handed him a towel when he was done to wipe his hands with.
He leans back against the counter opposite you. âHowâve you been?â
You shrug casually. âPretty good. How are you?â
He sighs, debating on telling you the truth. Heâs been in a weird place ever since Thanksgiving. Actually, ever since the party when you very suddenly entered his life again. Having you so close but not with him was difficult. Youâd agreed to be friends, and you wereâŠfriendly. But you hadnât gone back to the way you were before. He wondered if you ever could.
âI heard about you and Grace.â He knew you had. After all, you two are roommates.
âI hope it didnât make thingsâŠawkward between you guys.â He rubs the back of his neck nervously.
âNo, weâre okay,â you assure kindly. Youâre silent for another minute before breaking it again. âWell, I should get back in there.â
He watches you go and Jules comes to find him before he rejoins as well. He can tell something is wrong by their face. âMom,â is all they need to say.
In the time he was gone, she had managed to down a few glasses, and was now swaying on her feet. He says nothing as he begins ushering her out to take her home.
âLet go of me, John. Iâm fine,â she slurs. He says nothing as he continues to half guide her, half carry her down the street. When they make it inside he leads her to the couch and immediately goes to get a water for her. Jules heads straight to their room and slams the door shut.
He sits down on the coffee table in front of her and puts the glass right in front of her face and watches her drink. When she stops after a few he shakes his head. âThe whole thing.â
âDonât look at me like that,â she tells him before obeying.
âLike what?â
âLike youâre ashamed of me.â He says nothing. He knows he doesnât have to. âYou think youâre better than me?â She slams the empty glass down beside him on the wood. âYou are me.â
âIâm nothing like you.â He doesnât know who heâs trying to convince more, himself or her.
âNo, youâre right.â She leans back and the two of them glare at each other. âYouâre your father. So scared of letting anyone in to actually see you. Punishing those who do manage to break down your walls. All the while hating yourself the whole damn time.â John felt himself shake with anger, but at her words or the accuracy, he didnât know. âTell me, how long have you been punishing that poor girl for?â
He rips himself away from the conversation before he can say anything he canât take back and locks himself in his room.
He lies awake in his bed all night just staring at the ceiling.
-
He sees you again a week later on New Yearâs Eve.
You look like a dream in your shining, silver sequin dress. The hockey house is packed with people, the TV on for the ball drop countdown while music plays over it. Youâre on the other side of the room the entire night, again revolving around each other while never looking away.
When you excuse yourself and walk out back, he follows you.
He finds you sat in one of the chairs at the fire pit, the logs burning low with no one around to feed the flames. He sits beside you, watching with curiosity as you pull out a joint and light it.
He raises his eyebrows at you. âI donât think Iâve ever seen you smoke before.â
âItâs new,â you comment stiffly, your face scrunched up at the sour taste after taking a hit, your reaction affirming your words. He laughs. Itâs rusty, like he hasnât in a while. He realizes then that he hasnât. âHelps with the stress.â
âIâve heard that.â
âHave you tried it?â You offer it to him, but he declines.
âWhat do you think?â You smile, your eyelids drooping a little more than before. âWith the random drug testing, I donât get to partake very much.â
You hum in acknowledgement and bundle up further into your coat, tucking your knees up to your chest in the adirondack chair.
âHowâs your mom doing?â You venture quietly.
âI donât know,â he replies honestly. âWe havenât talked since Christmas.â His foot nudges the log in front of him, sending embers and smoke up in a puff.
âIâm sorry,â she says even quieter.
He feels the pull then, the one he always does when youâre around to lay himself bare in front of you, open and vulnerable knowing youâll look with gentle eyes. He doesnât, though. Heâs terrified heâll prove his mother right.
âItâs alright,â is the response he settles with. âHowâs your family?â
You roll your head as it leans against the chair to face forward, staring into the orange glow and it reflects in your eyes. âTheyâre okay. The Thanksgiving fiasco ended up helping things in the long run. I said some things I had bottled up. We hashed things out. Weâre good.â You shrug like itâs that simple. And he knows with your family, it really is.
âIâm glad things are better. Iâm not glad that it took you getting hurt for it to happen, though.â You hum in agreement. âLet me see the battle scars.â
You lift the sleeves of your coat to show the slightly puckered and now pink skin still healing on your forearms.
âYou gonna come up with a cool story?â He eyes you.
You smile. âDo we think hero angle? Saved someone from a burning building? Or badass and say I got in a fight with a pyromaniac?â
He chuckles, running his thumb over the skin, noticing a slight shiver from you when he does. âI vote badass.â
You pull back down your sleeve once he pulls away and settle back into the chair. When the sliding glass door opens again and group of people step out to smoke as well, he stands.
âThirty minutes âtill midnight,â he informs you. âIâll leave you to it.â
After he heads back inside, he goes through the motions for the remainder of the party, feeling a bit like heâs on autopilot. Thatâs kind of how these past few years for him have felt. Everything a little less vibrant without you around.
John tends to see his life in two parts: before Birdie and after Birdie. The before, he doesnât like thinking about too much, but the after, he likes thinking about that quite a bit. He still remembers the first day he met you. How you hid behind your older sister, the shyness in your smile and the white paint on your toenails. Heâd never been content to just watch someone exist before, but he enjoyed watching you. Youâd sit up in your tree humming gently and just watching life go by. Birds nesting, spiders weaving webs, ants collecting food for a colony. He liked the way you saw the world.
He liked the soft and quiet way you lived, like falling snow. Peaceful. Beautiful.
When the clock hit 11:58, he decided to head back outside to find you and bring you in, knowing how much you loved watching the countdown. However, Garrett was already sat out there with you, taking Johnâs previous spot from earlier, beside you.
He moved to join the two of you, but faltered when he saw his best friend lean in to kiss you and the way you let him.
He tortured himself by watching for a few more seconds and then turning away when he couldnât anymore.
He vaguely heard the people crowded into his living room cheering as the clock struck midnight, some of his friends patting him on the arm or grabbing him for a hug, but it was all a blur as he made his way upstairs, to his bedroom.
He laid in bed for what felt like hours, staring at the ceiling and replaying the kiss over and over again.
He finally gave up going to bed somewhere around 4am and got up to head downstairs for some water. He forgot you were sleeping on the couch. Evidently, you couldnât sleep either since you were up on your phone and offered him a smile as he made his way past you and towards the kitchen.
He hopes you wonât, but you join him, sliding your body up onto the counter beside him. You look soft and sleepy in your oversized shirt and sweatpants with fuzzy socks on your feet.
He aches.
âI didnât see you after the ball drop,â you comment. âDid you head up early?â
âYeah,â he says hoarsely, zoning out on the countertop beside you instead of meeting your eyes, afraid of what youâll see in his.
âAreâŠyou okay?â You ask tentatively.
He looks at you then, the crinkle of concern between your eyebrows, the slight downturning of your lips.
God he wants to kiss you.
âYouâre killing me,â he confesses so quietly, itâs a miracle you hear him, even in the quiet of the dark kitchen.
âExcuse me?â
âThisâŠdistance when youâre actually right here. Itâs killing me.â
You shake your head lightly in confusion. âBut weââ
âI know,â he cuts you off. âI know we agreed. I know I promised. I know Iâm an asshole for saying it and breaking the promise, but I feel like Iâm holding my breath constantly and the only time I can let it go is when youâre with me.â Your eyes widen the smallest amount at his confession. âBut when you kissed him? That sucked all the air out of the room.â
You straighten in surprise. âHow did youââŠdid you see us?â
âYou could pick anyone, Bird. Anyone. I wonât like it, but at least itâs not him.â He hates himself for saying it.
âWhy does it bother you so much? Why him?â
âBecause he has everything, Birdie. Everything. And itâs selfish and childish and stupid, but he doesnât get to also have you.â He moved closer as he spoke, his arms coming to cage you in on the counter, his palms resting on either side of your thighs.
âYou had me,â you remind him, leaning back slightly from him. âAnd you didnât want me.â
âThatâs not true.â
âThen what is?â
He pauses and contemplates telling you the truth. And then he does. âIâve never wanted anything as much as I want you and that terrifies me.â
Youâre stunned silent, your lips slightly parted. He looks down at them, he canât help it. He looks back up at you and leans closer, testing the waters. When you donât lean away, he inches closer, feeling your breath on his face. His nose nudges yours and you nudge back, tipping your chin toward him in invitation. He wastes no time kissing you.
His hands grip your hips firmly and tug you closer to the edge to press you against him, his fingers digging into your flesh while you run yours through his hair, scratching his scalp lightly with your nails. He hears himself groan and your tongues meet as his mouth opens.
Youâre so lost in each other you donât hear Garrett come down the stairs. You only notice him when he says, âwell. That was fast.â John pulls back, but you scoot off the counter and move across the kitchen to get away from him, a guilty sort of look souring your face. âI would have thought itâd have taken you at least a full day to come to your senses, Logan.â His tone isnât kind.
âGarrettââ you begin.
âThe fuck does that mean?â John questions, cutting you off.
âNothing. I just think itâs funny everyone else sees your pattern but you.â
âGarrett,â you say more sternly, though neither of them listen.
âAnd what pattern is that?â John challenges.
âThe one where you only realize you want something when someone else has it.â
You look nervously back and forth between the two of them, Johnâs breath coming quicker with his anger.
âYou know nothing, Graham.â
âOh, I know plenty.â His eyes glance over to you momentarily, but John catches it, snapping his attention over to you.
âGarrett, stop.â You donât deny what heâs implying. Youâve told him things. Things only you know. Things he only ever told you because he knew he could trust you.
John doesnât know what to say, so he turns to leave. You call after him, begging him to come back, but he keeps walking toward the steps, back up to his bedroom.
âYeah, leave,â Garrett calls. âJust like your dad.â
John stops dead in his tracks at that. He turns slowly to face the man he used to call his best friend, and he punches him square in the jaw.
His head whips back while you shriek. Garrett wastes no time hitting him back. You move to intervene, yelling at them again to stop. When they donât, you get in between them just as Garrett is swinging, but instead of hitting John, he catches you.
You collapse to the ground and the both of them freeze. John immediately falls to the ground with you, lifting your face to inspect it.
âWhat the fuck is wrong with you?â John yells, waking the rest of the house. Garrettâs face is so pale, he looks as if heâs the one who got hit out of nowhere. His expression is haunted, so shaken that he doesnât even see Dean in front of him until he touches his shoulder, the two other roommates coming down to see what the commotion is about.
When John tries to lift you to get you back into the kitchen for an ice pack to put over your rapidly swelling eye, you finally snap.
âI donât want your help!â Itâs Johnâs turn to look stricken. âIâm so tired of being the casualty in your chaos. You donât know how to not hurt me.â
You stand to leave and Tucker rushes to your side, offering to drive you home. Garrett mutters over and over again that heâs sorry. John watches numbly as you leave, wondering if this is the time he succeeds at pushing you away.
It was Sunday night and you were looking forward to getting home after a night with the girls at the local bar. Hannah had decided to stay over at her boyfriendâs and Allie joined her, how those two managed to get partners who lived in the same house- youâd never quite understand. But you werenât even bothered. Just looking forward to the relaxing night you were about to treat yourself with, a nice hot shower that involved your favourite berry scented soap and a blow-out that contained too many hair products, each of them as sweet smelling as the rest.Â
You rolled your eyes when the rain started pattering against Cherryâs windshield, the cherry-red chevy was your baby, and she was very resilient in all types of weather, but the water droplets just banged against her vintage exterior too aggressively for your liking.Â
You rubbed along her steering wheel, âAlmost there baby,â the squeak of the wipers was answer enough and you decided to flick on the radio, hopefully the soft melodies of you motherâs fleetwood mac CD would drown out the echoing of the torrential downpour, a significant increase from the initial patter. Â
For about one picturesque second , the vehicle was filled with Stevie Nicksâ vocals and you sighed, the song reminded you of when your parents would dance in the kitchen, your dad tickling your mothers sides in a way that would make her screech and slap his shoulder playfully- you and your siblings would cringe and run out into the backgarden, ignoring her calls for dinner in 10 minutes.Â
The next, the song gave one tragic little crackle and died.Â
You stared at your dashboard.
Cherry continued rolling down the road through the rain, wipers dragging water from the windshield in uneven arcs, the headlights turning the wet pavement ahead of you into a long black ribbon of reflected streetlights.
âNo,â you said.
The radio did not respond.
You pressed the power button once, keeping your eyes on the road.Â
Nothing.
Twice.
Still nothing.
A third time, because sometimes persistence was the answer to everything.
You were still being assaulted by the hollow banging of the sheets of water splattering outside. Taking a slow breath, you remembered what mama always told you- a big deep breath before making expensive decisions or replying to emails sent by people who used, âjust circling backâ unironically. Â
âCherry,â you said, very calmly. âDo not do this to me.â
The car gave a faint, worrying cough.
Not a human cough, obviously. You were not insane. You understood machinery. You had dated enough emotionally unavailable boys and owned enough temperamental objects to know that sometimes things made sounds without meaning anything dramatic.
But still, any reasonable person would agree that she coughed at you, a little, wet, mechanical throat-clear that vibrated beneath your feet and travelled straight up your spine.
You tightened your hands around the steering wheel.
The speedometer in front of you flickered, the little pointer rotated wildly before it settled on the big, red, zero.Â
Your stomach dropped.
âCherry.â
Another cough, this time it wasnât ignorable. Unlike the suspicious little shudders Cherry had been doing whenever you slowed down at traffic lights for the past three days, which you had been ignoring in a deeply optimistic way.
âBaby, no,â you whispered.
The engine stuttered beneath you.
You flicked your eyes toward the side of the road, searching through the rain for somewhere to pull over that did not look like the sort of place people disappeared in true crime documentaries. The headlights caught the edge of a sign ahead, blue and white and half-hidden behind rain-slick branches.
A garage.
Not even a proper one, at first glance. More like a family shop tucked off the road, with two wide bay doors, a small office light still glowing despite the late hour, and one battered truck parked outside beneath the awning. It looked open, though that might have been wishful thinking. Cherry lurched again.
âOkay,â you said quickly. âOkay, okay, I see it. Weâre going. Donât be dramatic.â
Cherry ignored you and rolled toward the garage with the exhausted dignity of someone arriving at the hospital after insisting all day that they were fine.
By the time you managed to pull into the small lot, the rain had turned violent. This wasnât romantic rain. Not soft, rom-com, dramatic reunion with undying love confessions rain. Not like the rain you and your cousins would watch on TV, gathered around on the living room floor at your grandparentâs house, tummy first in the plush carpet, sharing a bag of crunchy baby carrots.Â
This was the type that slapped against the roof and pooled around tyres and turned every light into a smear. You parked beneath the edge of the awning, though not far enough beneath it to avoid the rain completely because you were stressed and Cherry had chosen that exact second to make another noise you never wanted to hear again.
The engine died before you turned the key.
You sat there for one long second, âOh my God,â you breathed.
The rain answered.
You leaned forward and rested your forehead lightly against the steering wheel, careful not to smudge your lipstick because if everything else was going to fall apart, your mouth was not. The car smelled like your perfume, old leather, and the faint strawberry air freshener you had bought by mistake because the store had been out of cherry and settled for the next best option. Your hair was already frizzing from the humidity despite the fact you had not even left the car yet.
This was fine. This was a normal evening. Girls broke down outside strange, off the highway garages all the time.Â
Right?
You lifted your head and looked toward the lit office window.
There were people inside. Thank God.
You grabbed your purse, cursed when the strap caught on the gear shift, apologised to Cherry because none of this was her fault emotionally even if it was absolutely her fault mechanically, and shoved the door open.
The rain hit you immediately. Rude in the way it shoved you in its unforgiving momentum, thrusting against your clothes and drenching you down to the core. You wobbled on your feet against its forceful bullying.Â
By the time you crossed the short distance from Cherry to the garage office, your cardigan was soaked through, your hair was wet at the ends, and your ballet flats had made the deeply unfortunate discovery that puddles existed. You pushed open the office door with far more force than intended, stumbled inside, and brought half the storm with you.
Two men looked up.
One older, sitting behind the counter with paperwork spread in front of him and a pair of reading glasses low on his nose.
The other younger, standing near a workbench with a rag in one hand, sleeves pushed up to his forearms, dark hair slightly messy like he had been running a hand through it all night.
A third voice came from what you can only assume was the office, âWho the fuck is coming in at this time?âÂ
You winced, biting your lip and wisely made the choice to look at the pair in front of you. The older man rolled his eyes at the remark, whilst the younger was more focussed on you.Â
Probably the state you were in, the chill had settled into your bones and goosebumps had erupted across your skin. The dress you had worn for girlâs night was not built for the weather and you wished you had bothered to look at the forecast before pulling the baby-doll peplum one piece out of your closet, but the length was just right and the white ruffles at the top were accented perfectly with the ruched red and white gingham against your chest. It didnât help that Allie had hyped you up so much that you broke out your favourite ballet flats to finish off the outfit.Â
You felt like a little-girlâs barbie doll that somehow ended up in the washing machine as you stood in front of these two confused men, who were probably looking forward to closing down for the day.Â
âMy car is dying,â you said.
Both men stared.
You stood there dripping onto the mat, clutching your purse against your chest, rainwater sliding down your jaw, red lipstick somehow still intact because at least one thing in your life had loyalty.
The younger one blinked.
âDying?â
âYes.â
The older manâs mouth twitched, âMechanically?â he asked, folding his glasses off his nose and setting them down on the newspaper he was hunched over.Â
You gestured helplessly toward the window.
âEmotionally, mechanically, spiritually. Iâm not sure yet. She coughed.â
The younger man looked like he was trying very hard not to laugh.
âShe coughed,â he repeated back to you, his arms folded over his chest.Â
âYes.â
âCars donât cough.â
âMine did.â
The older man leaned back in his chair, now openly amused.
The younger one looked past you through the rain toward the lot. âWhich one?â
You turned and pointed, though the rain made Cherry look less like a car and more like a tragic red blur beneath the awning. âHer.â
âHer?â
âCherry.â
The younger man had followed your finger, but turned back to you when you said her name.Â
âCherry.â
You nodded.
âThatâs the model?â
âThatâs her name.â
There was a pause, perhaps this was the moment where a normal person might have realised they were giving a very strange first impression. However, you were cold, wet, and worried about your car, so self-awareness had been postponed.
âSheâs a Chevy,â you added, like that cleared everything up.
The older man coughed once into his fist, badly hiding a laugh.
The younger one finally smiled. A crooked pull at one corner of his mouth that immediately made him look more dangerous than a mechanic in a rainstorm had any right to look.
âRight,â he said. âCherry the Chevy.â
âCherry the cherry-red Chevy,â you corrected, rolling onto your heels and back.
His smile got worse, but he brought a hand up to pretend he was running it down his stubble, he nodded as though you had just stated the sky is blue, âOf course.â
The older man stood, sliding his glasses off. âLogan, grab the umbrella.â
Logan.
So that was his name, it suited him. Wait what?
The younger man-Logan-tossed the rag onto the workbench and reached for a large black shop umbrella leaning by the door. âYou drive her here like that?â
âShe drove herself,â you said, then blinked, realising you sounded insane. âI mean, I drove. Obviously. But she made the decision for us both.â
Logan opened the door, and the sound of the rain surged in.
âYou always talk about your car like sheâs a person?â
You stepped toward him, trying not to drip directly onto the floor any more than you already had, "That feels a little unkind to say in front of her. Sheâs having a very hard night."
The older man laughed from behind you.
Logan looked at you, smile still lingering, âFair.â
He opened the umbrella before stepping outside, and you followed him beneath it, close enough that your shoulder nearly brushed his arm. The rain hammered against the fabric above you, loud enough to soften the world into something smaller. The garage light spilled across the lot in a pale yellow wash, catching on wet asphalt, on Cherryâs red paint, on the strands of hair stuck to your cheek.
Logan was taller than you had realised inside. Which was not important. At all.
He held the umbrella more over you than himself, which you noticed despite trying not to, and by the time you reached Cherry, his shoulder was wet from rain blowing sideways.
âYouâre getting soaked,â you said.
He glanced at you.
âYouâre already soaked.â
âThat doesnât mean you should join me.â
âIâll survive.â
âThat sounds like famous last words.â
âYou always this dramatic?â
âYes,â you said immediately. âBut only when my loved ones are in danger.â
He looked at the car, and pointed at Cherry, âLoved ones.â
âSheâs family-adjacent.â Nodding, you patted her slippery bonnet, immediately regretting it as the frigid water numbed your hand. You shook it away, ignoring the amused expression Logan pinned you with.Â
âFamily-adjacent.â
âMy nana picked her out, and my parents bought her after Strawberry died.â
Logan had already crouched near the front of the car, but he paused at that.
âStrawberry?â
âMy old Beetle.â
âYour old car was named Strawberry.â
âShe was red too.â
âWas she also family-adjacent?â
You looked at him like the answer should have been obvious.
âShe was my first car.â
Logan stared for half a second, then shook his head, but he was smiling as he moved toward the hood.
âPop it.â
You leaned inside to pull the latch, immediately regretting the way cold rainwater dripped from your hair down the back of your neck. Cherryâs hood released with a dull click, and Logan lifted it, securing it with practiced ease. The garage light caught the line of his forearm as he reached inside, and you looked away so fast you nearly bumped your hip against the side mirror.
You busied yourself by smoothing one hand over Cherryâs door, âDonât worry,â you murmured. âHe seems competent.â
âI can hear you,â Logan said.
âI know.â
âCompetent?â
âSo far.â
He glanced at you over the engine. âThatâs generous.â
âIâm a generous person.â
âYou brought me a coughing car and called her Cherry.â
âI know. She makes a strong first impression.â
The rain kept falling hard around the edges of the umbrella. Logan leaned over the engine, focused now, and for the first time since you had burst into the office, he stopped looking amused and started looking entirely serious. His hands moved confidently through the engine bay, checking, adjusting, pausing. He asked you questions every so often-what happened before she stalled, how long the shuddering had been going on, whether any warning lights had appeared-and you answered as best you could, though it became significantly harder when he reached for a flashlight and the movement made the muscles in his forearm shift.
You forbade yourself from developing a crush in a parking lot.
Especially not on a man who had known you for seven minutes and already thought you were insane.
âYou said it started with the radio?â he asked.
You blinked, grateful for the question because it gave your brain something to do besides betray you.
âYes.â
âThe radio died first?â
âVery dramatically.â
âThen the shuddering?â
âThen the emotional coughing.â
He gave you a look.
You shrugged.
âI stand by the description.â
His mouth twitched again.
The older man had come out at some point and was standing near the garage door, watching with the expression of someone who had seen enough late-night car emergencies to know when one was about to become entertaining.
Logan checked something deeper beneath the hood and muttered under his breath.
You leaned closer. What was in front of you was a whole lot of car, and you were subtly impressed that Logan could make sense of it.
âIs she going to live?â
He looked over.
You were close enough now that the umbrella barely covered both of you. Rain dripped from the edge between you and the scent of wet asphalt rose warm from the ground. Your perfume had shifted in the rain, less pungent than when you had sprayed it hours ago. Cherry and vanilla, yes, but softened now by cold water and damp wool and whatever impossible thing happened when perfume met skin and weather.
Logan noticed it. It hit him when you leaned in, one hand still resting anxiously on the car, your hair wet at the ends, your lipstick bright despite the storm, your eyes wide and serious as if he was examining a wounded animal instead of a temperamental Chevy. You smelled like rain and cherries. Like something sweet made sharper by the cold. Like something he was not supposed to be thinking about while working.
He looked back at the engine immediately.
âSheâll live.â
Your shoulders dropped with relief so quickly he almost laughed.
âOh thank God.â
âBut youâre not driving her far tonight.â
Your expression changed.
âWhat does that mean?â
âIt means I can get her stable enough to move, but she needs a proper look. Alternator maybe. Could be wiring. Batteryâs not loving life either.â
You placed a hand over your heart.
âDonât say that in front of her.â
âShe knows.â
âSheâs sensitive.â
âShe stalled in a parking lot.â
âBecause she was overwhelmed.â
The repair took longer than you expected and less time than you feared. Logan worked in the rain and the garage light while you stood nearby, occasionally asked questions, and made deeply unhelpful comments whenever Cherry made a noise you disliked. At one point, you offered to hold the flashlight and then immediately aimed it at the wrong thing because you were telling him a story about the time your mother made you transport a lamb in Strawberry and forgot what your hands were doing.
âA lamb,â Logan said, voice muffled as he leaned under the hood.
âYes.â
âIn the car.â
âShe was small.â
âThe lamb or the car?â
âBoth.â
âAnd your mom made you?â
âShe didnât make me. She strongly requested with maternal authority.â
âThatâs making you.â
âYou donât know my mother.â
âIâm starting to get a picture.â
You smiled despite yourself, and Logan, still half-focused on Cherry, caught it out of the corner of his eye.
But he re-focussed on the engine in front of him just as quickly, this was going to be a problem if he didnât get a hold of himself.Â
You were pretty when you walked in.
Obviously.
Soaked hair, red mouth, wide eyes, ridiculous car name. That had been easy to notice, but pretty was usually not enough to distract him in the way you were right now.Â
The problem was everything else.
The way you spoke to your car like she might feel neglected if you stopped. The way you apologised when you stepped in a puddle and splashed his boot. The way your laughter kept surprising him, bright even in the rain.
And the perfume.
That was definitely a problem too.
By the time Cherry started again, the engine turning over with a rough but steady sound, you looked at him like he had personally performed a miracle.
âSheâs alive.â
âFor now.â
âDonât ruin this.â
âIâm being honest.â
âYouâre being pessimistic.â
âIâm being a mechanic.â
âMechanics can have bedside manners.â
He leaned one hand against the open door, looking into the car while Cherry idled. âYou got someone who can pick you up?â
Your smile faltered slightly, barely slipping from almost-stencil like posture. But he noticed.Â
âI can call a cab.â
His father spoke from the garage doorway before Logan could answer.
âIâll call one from the office. Weatherâs bad.â
You turned toward him immediately, both your hands wrapped around the handle of the umbrella as your skirt billowed across your thighs.. âOh, you donât have to.â
Jesus, had you just fallen out of a black and white film, or had Dean finally smashed him hard enough into the boards to do serious damage?
âI know.â
The older man smiled.
You smiled back, softer now.
âThank you.â
Logan looked away.
There was something strange about watching you smile at someone else, even his father, because your whole face changed when you meant it. Like warmth arrived before the expression did.
He closed Cherryâs hood and shook his head, his curls now fallen from the weight of the rain into his eyes, , âYouâll need to leave her here overnight.â
You looked wounded, pressing your lips together and somehow barely smearing the perfect red paint that he somehow kept glancing at every few minutes. One of your hands came to rest against your heart,âSheâll be inside?â
Logan glanced toward the bay.
âYes.â
âNot out here?â
âNo.â
âAnd nobody will be mean to her?â
He stared at you.
You stared back.
Logan sighed. âNobody will be mean to Cherry.â
âThank you.â
âYou realise sheâs a car.â
âYes. But sheâs been very loyal to me, and I think that should count for something."
His smile returned before he could stop it.
âYeah,â he said. âIâm getting that.â
When the cab arrived fifteen minutes later, you were mostly dry from standing under the lukewarm garage heating while still wearing wet clothes. Your cardigan clung uncomfortably at your sleeves. Your hair had started to dry into waves you were not sure you had approved. Your lipstick, by some act of divine intervention, had survived.
You thanked Loganâs father twice.
Then turned to Logan, handing him a small piece of paper from your purse. He looked at it curiously, the cardstock seemed to be perfectly ruffled at the edges, in the centre was looped handwriting that had your full name and number, along with a doodle of a⊠was that a goat?
He recalls seeing something similar in a vintage shop in town, tucked away from the general college crowd, the old lady at the till had chirped at him when he picked up the reminiscent stack of cards, âthose are calling cards sweetpea, people used to leave âem for each other before all of this here, tikkytoky business.â Logan had smiled at her and left without a rogue thought.Â
For a second, the two of you stood in the garage bay beside Cherry, the rain still hammering against the roof, the air smelling of motor oil, wet asphalt, and your perfume lingering in the warm shop air. You noticed how comical he looked in front of you, studying the calling card in his hands, which looked more like dollâs furniture between his fingers.
Nana had started your interest in them, bringing down a large, oak box of what she called, âtinder on paperâ. You fashioned the one in his hand by yourself, taking joy in the crafts project- and ended up with a hefty amount of them in your bag at all times.Â
âSomeone will call tomorrow,â he said, blinking out of his stupor. He flicked the calling card and ran his thumb along the waved edges.
âAbout Cherry?â
âAbout Cherry.â
You nodded, then hesitated, eyes dropping briefly to his hand,âWill it be you?â
Logan looked up.
âCalling, I mean,â you added quickly, as if the distinction mattered. âOnly because youâve met her now. And you were very nice to her. I think sheâd prefer continuity of care.â
His mouth twitched. âContinuity of care.â
âYes.â
âFor your car.â
âFor Cherry.â
Logan nodded slowly, thumb still moving along the edge of the card like it needed his full attention,âI might be in class,â he said.
âOh. Of course.â You nodded immediately, too quickly, like you had not felt the smallest pinch of disappointment.
Youâd only known each other for 45 minutes. There was a very slim chance he'd consider calling you in the middle of his presumably busy day, just to give you an update about your chevy, âThatâs fine. Someone else can call. Iâm sure elder Mechanic is very capable.â
Logan scratched lightly at his brow, poorly hiding his bashful amusement, âElder Mechanic?â
âYour father,â you clarified. âI didnât want to be rude and call him old Mechanic.â
âThoughtful.â
âI try.â
He turned the card between his fingers once more. âIâll call if I can.â
Your face brightened before you could stop it, âGood,â you said softly. You looked at Cherry one last time, reached out to pat the side of her hood, then seemed to realise Logan was watching and immediately straightened. âSheâll like that.â
âObviously.â
âYouâre laughing at me.â
âA little.â
âThatâs okay.â You smiled then, bright and sudden and unfair. âIâm very funny.â
You were. Unfortunately for him.Â
The cab driver honked once outside, impatient as he waited in the cold, and you startled slightly.
âOh. Right.â
You stepped backward, then stopped.
âThank you, Logan.â
It was the first time you had said his name. It sounded different coming from you, in your voice, from your pretty, painted lips.Â
He did not like how much he noticed that.
âNo problem.â
You hesitated, then added, âAnd sorry for dripping on your floor.â
âOur floorâs seen worse.â
âThat sounds ominous.â
âIt is.â
You smiled again.
Then you were gone, ducking under the umbrella his father had insisted you take, hurrying toward the cab in the rain with your purse clutched against your chest and your wet hair bouncing against your shoulders.
Logan stood in the open garage doorway and watched until the cab pulled out of the lot.
He had no reason to.
Cherry was still in the bay behind him, ticking softly as the engine cooled. His father had already gone back inside, he could hear him and his brother chattering. The rain was blowing against his boots, and he was tired, and he had practice in the morning, and there were at least six logical things he could be doing that did not involve staring after a girl whose car had coughed dramatically into his life and then refused to leave quietly.
Still, he stood there, rotating the calling card long after the lot emptied again and the cabâs taillights disappeared into the rain. It was when the only sound remaining was water against concrete and the faint hum of the shop lights behind him, that his fatherâs voice came from the office.
âYou coming in?â
Logan blinked.
Then he looked back at Cherry.
The car sat under the shop lights, red paint glossy from the rain, ridiculous little strawberry air freshener still hanging from the mirror.
He should have been thinking about the alternator, or the wiring, or the fact that he had an early morning ahead of him. Instead, for some morbid reason, he brought the card to his nose- curious if it was the entity still emanating the scent of cherries around him. Sure enough, the sweet scent enveloped him once again.Â
In fact, he was sure the entire garage still smelled faintly like rain and cherries.Â
Summary: Weeks after Dean's party, you encounter Logan by accident when you're asked to take pictures of the guys during a hockey interview.
Pairing: John Logan x fem!readerÂ
Word count: 5.1k
Warnings/tags: mentions of childhood bullying, parental issues, reader has food sensory issues and trouble understanding social cues. leaning hard into her being ND just fyi <3 dean and garrett being kinda annoying but they mean well. hannah being a cutie. photographer!reader. this is kind of a slow burn so nothing really happens tbh except logan being a nice young man :)
Notes: this is a series now? maybe?? i have no idea what's happening but thank u for all the support on the first fic! i guess if u guys are still interested, i'll keep writing these two!
i don't do taglists but you can follow @sanguinelibrary for all fic updates
the divider
âYo. Hey, Logan. Loooogan. Dude.â
Logan peeks one eye open. Dean is crouched in front of him, at the side of his bed, shirtless, which is pretty much the last thing he wants to see ever.Â
Dean smiles with all of his teeth. âHey, sunshine. Drain's clogged again.â
Logan grunts. âWhat'd you do this time?â
âAbsolutely nothing. It was Garrett.â
âIt was not, asshole,â Garrett says, strolling into Logan's room. He throws a shirt at Dean. âI just got home. Someone thought it'd be a great idea to pour bacon grease down the drain.â
âWhy are you both in here? This doesn't feel like a conversation that requires a town hall meeting,â Logan grumbles.
âWell, I donât cook, so it canât have been me. Mustâve been Tucker,â Dean says.
Tucker walks in then, as if on cue. âIf you're spreading bullshit about me, Dean, I'm here to defend myself. For the record: yes, I did make bacon, and there's a plate downstairs. But I was not the one who poured grease down the drain, because I'm not a fool.â
They all look at Dean, who bobs his head. Logan really wishes he had a stack of pucks to chuck at them right now.Â
âYeah, I lied earlier,â Dean says. âIt was me. I wanted to use the cup.â
Logan smiles flatly. âI already knew it was you, dumbass. You clog every drain in the house once a week. Vote time. Everyone in favor of kicking Dean out forever?â
The three of them say aye. Dean squawks like a big blond bird.Â
âNay! It's not my fault. How am I supposed to know what to do with bacon grease?â
âYeah, how's the little prince supposed to know?â Tucker says, rolling his eyes.Â
Then he bolts for the door, Dean on his heels. Logan sighs and lies back, staring up at the ceiling. He dreamt about you again. You were on the ice, skating with him, telling him how much you like Taco Bell. He kissed you.Â
Then Dean clogged the drain and woke him up.
âHey, don't forget that we still have that interview at the stadium today,â Garrett says, typing on his phone. No doubt texting Hannah. Logan is proud to say that he no longer has a crush on Hannah Wells, as fleeting as that was. No, he has a crush on her friend, who is smart and beautiful and who probably hasn't given him another thought since the party three weeks ago.
He missed you in class this week. He even stayed behind and pretended he had a question in order to scan the room to check if maybe he didn't see you the first time. But you were nowhere to be found. And it's not like he can text you. He scoured Instagram, Snapchat, and even Facebook for your account, until he felt like a fucking creep and stopped, the search fruitless. Hell, Logan would write you letters if it meant talking to you beyond the two sentences you exchange in class.Â
You did wave at him last week. Usually, you pack up your things as fast as possible and run out of the lecture hall. So when you lingered long enough to smile at him⊠well, that was pretty fantastic.Â
âYeah, thanks,â Logan says.Â
Garrett nods. âI'll see you there. Wellsy wants to study.â
Logan lets his head fall back against the pillow as Garrett leaves. He thinks what Garrett's doing with Hannah will probably end with one or both of them getting hurt, especially since theyâre both so obviously such soft hearts. Logan saw Garrett listening to Hannahâs Instagram songs more than once. Garrettâs absolutely in denial about how much he likes her. But at least they talk to each other.Â
âFuck,â he says to himself, palms on his eyes.Â
You lost your silica gel.
It's not terrible⊠no, it is. It's thrown off your whole week, actually. You've been on websites longer than usual, looking at fidget toys, sorely tempted. You're especially taken with a moldable squishy with beads inside. It's like the mother of silica gel, and your fingers itch with anticipation of how it would feel.
But you can't. It's eighteen dollars, which is certainly one reason why you shouldn't buy it, but it also would make noise. And even if you used it outside of class⊠what if someone found it or caught you using it? How do you explain that?Â
And you hate feeling like you need a toy to keep you grounded. Your stomach hurt so badly that you skipped class on Monday, which sucked because you didn't see Logan. But you were thinking about having to see your mother during the break and your upcoming finals and nothing, not even listening to music, helped the resulting pain in your stomach.Â
Your mother has always told you that it's psychological, and treats your anxiety like a moral failing on your part. If you would just try harder⊠but you don't know how to do that. You're already trying so hard. It's difficult enough to eat everyday, and go to class, and sleep enough, and not rot in your dorm.Â
Your mother would be pleased if you told her you went to a party. She'd dismiss the fact that a guy harassed you. She wouldn't believe you if you told her about Logan and his pretty curls and mouth. No man is looking to just be friends with you.
She was the one who wanted you to go away for college. You didn't mind staying local, but she said you'd never âgrow into yourselfâ if you didn't move away.Â
Your nails have been bitten to stubs. You've been growing them for a month, and all your hard work is lost. The silica gel occupied your hands but now that it's gone, you've fallen back to nail biting.Â
Hannah said she would meet you at the stadium after her class this morning. Two days ago, you told one of the editors of the Briar newspaper that you bought a new camera. You've taken pictures for them before, but never during an event. Stupidly, you revealed your new purchase, and the editor excitedly asked you to attend an interview that some of the Hawks players were giving today, and take pictures for the paper.Â
If only you knew when to keep your mouth shut. Taking pictures of people is stressful. You hate it. They often want you to turn them into someone they're not through the camera lens. People can never just be themselves on camera. That's why you take pictures of birds or buildings or sunsets. They just are, and you can capture them in all their candidness. Most of the world doesn't perform for a cameraâonly people do.Â
Hannah is the first one to greet you when you get inside the stadium. You walk to the bleachers together, where a video crew is setting up.Â
âThis is great,â Hannah says. âPeople are gonna see your pictures, as they should.â
You shrug. âI guess so. I didn't really want to do this.â
âYour photos are really good,â she says. âAnd getting them published in the school paper is huge. What are you worried about?â
You sigh. âI don't know. It's kind of scary when people see you through the camera.â Fourth wall breaks unnerve you for the same reason. âAnd what if the players hate the pictures?â
âWell, Garrett's doing the interview, and he wouldn't let anybody on the team say anything to you about your pictures. But it's only a few of them, I think. Do you want me to stand with you?â
You nod, the pit in your stomach loosening a little. Hannah always seems to know what to say.Â
She beams. âOf course I'll stay.â
But as everyone finishes setting up, Coach Jensen approaches you. Hannah explains that she's Garrett's tutor, and Coach tells her that she can stay, but only in the bleachers.Â
âI'm here to support my friend,â she says. âItâs her first time photographing for the team. Please?â
âSorry. Only press and photographers can be here.â
She looks at you sympathetically. âI'll be right over there, okay? You'll be great.â
You watch Hannah go sit, wishing you had the silica gel.
Garrett is the first player interviewed. You take many pictures, so there are lots of options to choose from when you send them to the paper. He doesn't look at you once, which is splendid.
Next is Dean. He's fired up in his interview, swearing that Briar will crush the competition. Then it's Tucker, who seems a little nervous in front of the camera. You understand completely.Â
You lower your camera as you see Logan approach the local reporter. He shakes her hand and says something you canât hear. Then he looks in your direction. He pauses, then grins widely, waving at you. You wave back, face suddenly warm.
âSo John,â begins the reporter. âHow is the team preparing to win the next three games? Youâll need three wins to keep Briarâs ranking.â
âYeah, you know, we work really well as a team, and Garrettâs a great captain, of course, so I have no doubt weâll win. Weâve been putting in plenty of hours of practice.â
He glances in your direction. Click. Youâre not supposed to snap pictures when people are looking at the camera, but you canât help it. You wonât send that one to the paper.
âHow are you personally feeling about the season?â the reporter asks.
You take more pictures. Logan keeps glancing in your direction, so much so that the reporter eventually holds her hand up.
âJohn, sorry, but we really need you to look at the camera,â she says. âIs there something distracting you? A light? A noise?â
âNope,â Logan says, standing straighter, shaking his head. âAll good.â
He answers a few more questions. The reporter thanks all of them for their time and then the crew packs up. You put the lens cap on your camera and pack it up in its case.
âHey.â
You look up from your case. Loganâs in front of you. This close, you can really take in his appearance: his swoopy hair, his azure jacket with the Hawks emblem on the chest. He smells like apples, as always.Â
âYouâre here,â he says, before you can say hi back.
You nod, confused. âUm. Yes?â
âI didnât know you were a photographer.â Heâs smiling as hard as he does when the Hawks win a game. âI havenât seen you photographing games.â
âI donât. The paperâs editor asked me to take pictures for their article on the team.â
âCan I see?â
You hesitate. âI canât retake pictures.â
âI know. Iâm asking because I want to see your pictures, not âcause I care about how I look in them. You donât even have to show me the pictures from today. Do you have more?â
âYou want to see my other photos? Theyâre of birds and stuff like that.â
âI fucking love birds. And I mean that.â
You blink. âOh. Okay. Me too.â
âI didnât see you in class this week,â he says.
âI was sick.â
âThat sucks, Iâm sorry.â
You nod. You donât tell him why you were sick. He doesnât need to know. No one knows except Hannah. And speaking of, you can see her walking down the bleachers.
She stops next to you. âHey! How was it?â She looks at Logan, and seems a little startled. âHi, Logan. Whatâs up?â
âHey, Wellsy,â he says. You try not to frown. Itâs stupid to want Logan to have a nickname for you. Wellsy isnât even his invention.Â
âLogan wants to see my photos,â you say.
Hannah raises an eyebrow. âOh, really? I didnât know you liked photography, Logan.â
âOh, big time,â he says, looking at you.Â
Hannah widens her eyes at you. You have no idea why. She pats your back.
âYou did great,â she says. âIâll see you later?â
âI thought you wanted to get lunch together,â you say.Â
âUhâŠâ She glances between you and Logan. âIâll catch up with you. I have to tutor Garrett anyway. He canceled on me yesterday.â She rolls her eyes. âHockey players.â
âOuch,â Logan says, nudging her.
Hannah smiles sweetly. âYou and Tucker are the best players, and you can quote me on that.â
âGarrett will definitely be hearing that.â
âGood.â She squeezes your arm. âIâll see you later, okay? Have fun.â
You watch her go, feeling lost. âShe said we were going to eat lunch together. Why did she change her mind?â
âOh, um, I donât think Hannah meant anything by it,â Logan says. He chews his lip for a second. âGarrettâs such a diva, honestlyâheâd probably whine about not studying today even though he canceled on her yesterday.â
You do know how important the philosophy midterm is to Garrett, especially since heâs currently failing. And Hannah has complained about how stubborn he is.Â
âI guess that makes sense,â you say. âIâll go eat by myself then. Itâs one oâclock, so itâs lunchtime.â
âI could come with you.â Logan clears his throat. âUh, if you want, I mean. No pressure. You can say no.â
âOh. No, Iâd like that.â You smile. âAnd I can show you my photos, right?â
âYeah,â he says, sounding breathless. âPlease do.â
Logan has three chicken thighs on his plate.
âHockey season,â he explains as he sits. He bought your food with one of his meal swipes. You told him he didnât have to; he said he wanted to.
You sit opposite him with your own food. Nothing had seemed appetizing, but you have a headache, which is your bodyâs way of telling you that you really need to eat. Sometimes you donât feel hungry, but logically you have to eat at least three meals, so you try to time eating around the same time, so you donât have to rely on faulty signals that never arrive.
And when Hannah eats with you, it helps, because then you arenât distracted by other things, like listening to music or watching a show. You canât do those things in front of another person, because itâs rude. When you eat alone, you frequently forget youâre supposed to be eating. And by the time you remember, the texture or temperature of the food has changed, and itâs no longer appetizing.Â
âEating that much chicken doesnât make you feel sick?â The thought of eating that much meat in one sitting makes you want to vomit. Not to mention the chicken ick. Chicken is an extremely unsafe foodâif you detect a hint of tendon or fat, you canât eat it.
Logan shakes his head. âNah, Iâm hungry. Dean can easily tear up, like, five of these.â
He starts eating, scooping the chicken with the gravy, peas, and potatoes in one forkful. You watch, fascinated. Eating probably wouldnât be such a chore if you could eat like that.Â
You were going to try and convince Hannah to go to Taco Bell with you because thatâs the only thing that sounds edible today, but since youâre with Logan, you canât do that. Probably you canât go to Taco Bell every time you see him⊠still, youâre tempted. Maybe you can just sit here until Loganâs done eating, and then you can go get what you want.Â
You take a deep breath. No, you should eat. You should eat like a normal person. You want your headache to go awayâitâs too hard to talk to people when you have a headache, and you really want to talk to Logan.
You unwrap the foil your turkey burger is in. You take it out and remove the whole wheat repulsive bread, then put the meat on your plate. You cut it into small triangles with your knife and fork.Â
âNot a fan of the bun?â
You look up at Logan, hunched over the plate. You eye him suspiciously.Â
âThis bread tastes like cardboard,â you say slowly, watching him for judgment. âI like fluffy white rolls only.â
âThatâs my favorite too. Garrettâs always on me to eat more whole grains.â
âMaybe another brand would taste good. School food tastes like slop sometimes.â
Logan laughs. âSeriously. I think Iâm spoiled by Tuckerâs cooking. Heâs a master chef.â
You squeeze a packet of mayo, then hot sauce, then mustard. This is your trick for when you donât want to eat: you overdo it with sauces you like, to mask whatever youâre eating. At least you donât have to taste the turkey burger, though that doesnât dismiss the possibility of a bad texture.Â
You chew, staring at your plate. You forget youâre not alone until Logan taps your shoulder. You jump.
âSorry,â he says. âAgain. Seems like Iâm always doing that.â
âI zoned out.â
âYeah, youâre really focused on your food there.â
âI have to be, or I wonât finish it,â you say. âNothingâs appetizing right now, so I have to make myself eat.â
You quickly finish the burger, which isnât the worst, to be fair, but youâre not happy to eat like you were yesterday with the tater tot casserole the cafeteria served. They serve that once every two weeks, and itâs your favorite day on campus.Â
âOkay,â you say. âNow I can talk to you.â
Logan smiles. âAwesome. Can you show me your pictures?â
âOh, right. Yes, I can.â
You get out your camera and move to sit next to Logan. He leans in to look at your cameraâs screen, but he doesnât touch you. You kind of wish he would. You bet heâs warm and solid.
âWait, go back,â he says.
You were skipping through the pictures from todayâs interview. You press the left arrow to go back.
âThere! Oh my God, thatâs so funny. Please use that picture for the paper,â Logan says, snickering.Â
Itâs a picture of Garrett, mid-yawn. His face is scrunched, mouth wide open.Â
âThat was a mistake,â you say, but youâre smiling too. You canât avoid Loganâs infectious giggles.Â
âNo, that was a gift from above,â Logan says, still laughing. âGod, thatâs perfect. If you donât send it to the paper, please at least send it to me.â
âHow?â
âDo you have Instagram?â
âNo,â you say. âI deleted it. It made me feel bad about myself.â
âHonestly? Good for you. Iâm not on it that much either.âÂ
âThe only people who I want to talk to have my number anyway,â you say. âSo it doesnât really matter. I donât care about random studentsâ lives.â
âYou rock,â Logan says. âSeriously. Youâre my hero.â
You canât take it when he says things like that. All you can do is look away, your face heating up.
âWell, uh,â he continues. âThis might be presumptuous of me, but⊠dâyou wanna exchange numbers?â
âItâs not presumptuous,â you say. âI like talking to you.â
He lights up. âSame here.â
You type your number into his phone.Â
Hi :) says the message on your phone.
Hi, you text back. You change his contact to Logan đ.Â
âIâll send the picture when I upload them tonight,â you say.
âIâm gonna terrorize him with it in the group chat. Show me more pictures? You said you saw some birds.â
âI did.â You shuffle through the photos until you find one of a hawk flying low. Itâs one of your favorites; you were so proud to capture it. Itâs only a little blurry too.
âThat is so fucking cool, whoa.â Logan scoots closer to look, his arm touching yours. You donât move away. âYouâre amazing at this. What else did you capture?â
You show him pictures of the nearby lake, sunsets, a deer, the Boston skyline. Logan loves them all, and tells you many times how good of a photographer you are.
âYou could do this professionally, seriously,â he says. âLike, you should photograph our games. You could get paid for it.â
You shrug bashfully. âI donât know. Itâs not even my major. Itâs just a hobby.â
âSo what? Youâre really good.â
You gnaw the inside of your cheek. âMaybe.â
âYeah, think about it. I could talk to Coach, see whatâs open.â
You and Logan are pretty much curled up next to each other by now. Your arm and thigh are pressed against his. He is indeed warm, and you can feel his muscles shift against you. You think of him in the gray sleeveless shirt at the party. You couldnât stop staring at his biceps. You want to hold them, trace the veins on his forearms.Â
And when he turns to talk to you, heâs so close. Close enough toâ
âYo, Logan, you started without us?â
Raucous laughter breaks the moment. As soon as you see Loganâs teammates, you put a foot of distance between you two, shifting to the next chair over.Â
âHey, man,â Garrett says, tapping Logan's shoulder. âI thought you said you were gonna hit the gym.â
âPlans changed,â Logan says. He doesnât look very happy to see them. Youâre puzzled.Â
âHi,â Tucker says, waving at you, saying your name. You wave back.
And then Garrett and Dean seem to notice you. Dean grins, looking between you.
âAh,â he says. âPlans changed. Got it.â
You donât like the tone of his voice. You donât like the way he and Garrett are smiling at each other.Â
âHow do you know Logan?â Dean asks. âYou a hockey fan?â He winks.
âIâve only been to one game. Logan and I are in developmental psychology together.â
âYou guys study together?â Garrett asks, glancing at Logan. The table shakes, and Garrett winces. âOw! What the fuck, man? Whyâd you kick me?â
âBecause youâre both asking idiotic fucking questions,â Logan says. âLay off. Sheâs not a suspect.â
Your skin itches. You donât like being watched. And theyâre watching you, you can tell. Theyâre studying you. Figuring you out.Â
âActually, I should go,â you say, getting up. You try not to eye the others as you say it.Â
âAre you sure?â Logan asks, getting up with you.
âYes, I have finals to work on.â You gather your things, putting your backpack over your shoulders. âThank you for the meal swipe.â
âYeah, anytime,â Logan says. âIâll see you in class on Monday?â
You nod. âYou will. Iâve taken two unexcused absences and the syllabus said that Dr. Jenkins will demote us by a letter grade for any more than that.â
ââS not a real threat,â Garrett says around a mouthful of rice. âThey have to put that on the syllabus, but a lot of professors donât care. Dean was absent eight times in that class.â
âAnd I still got a B minus,â Dean says, fist-bumping Garrett.Â
Tucker shakes his head. âYeah, and you failed the subsequent course because you missed so much of the semester, dude.â
âA win is a win.â
âSo Dr. Jenkins lied?â you ask, brows furrowing.
Garrett shrugs, digging his knife into his chicken. âKinda. More like a bluff.â
You squeeze your backpack straps, your chest feeling tight. âWhy does everyone know the secret rules but me?â
All week youâve been anxious about potentially missing a third class because of your stomach. You were prepared to chug as much Pepto Bismol to avoid that as you needed to. Has everyone else been living without a care in the world, not forcing themselves to go to class when they feel sick? Youâve gone when you were sure youâd throw up. You went to class in the throes of the worst gallbladder pain youâve ever felt, right before you got it removed.Â
Garrett stops chewing, looking at you. In fact, theyâre all staring at you. Fuck.Â
âWhaddya mean, secret rules?â Dean asks.
Fuck, fuck. Youâre being weird. Stop it. Stop.Â
âHey,â Logan says gently, drawing your attention to him. He moves so heâs the only person you can see, blocking out the rest of the cafeteria. âIf you donât feel well, you should skip, but you arenât, like, losing out on some grand life experience if you miss half the semester. Thatâs what college is for. Youâre doing the right thing. Itâs not a secret rule, itâs just a loophole that some assholes like to exploit.â
Dean scoffs. âExcuse me?â
Logan ignores him. âSo I hope you come on Monday, but if you feel sick, rest up, okay? Tuckerâll make you soup and Iâll bring it over.â
Tucker leans around so you can see him and gives you a thumbs-up in confirmation. Your breathing gets a little easier; your shoulders soften.Â
âOkay,â you murmur. You drift towards him, and Logan brushes your fingers. You arenât brave enough to take his hand, so you touch and step back.Â
âCanât wait to see your pictures in the paper,â Logan says.
You smile. âTheyâre of you.â
âYeah, but you took âem. Who cares what theyâre of?â
You duck your head, feeling shy again. Itâs a residual shyness, but sometimes you get so aware of how nice and handsome Logan is, and the fact that he goes out of his way to talk to you. Not that youâve ever cared much about the college social hierarchy, but you arenât immune to the charms of a hockey boy who sings praises about your photography. Youâve been trying to shake this aching want for more ever since the party. You canât.
âWell, um, bye. Iâll drop off your wings soon,â you say.
âStop by anytime.â
âSee ya around,â says Tucker.
âYeah, see you,â Garrett says. Dean nods.Â
You mumble a short goodbye to them, still feeling flustered. You hope Logan wonât hold it against you.Â
Once outside, you take out your camera and flip through some of the shots of Logan. Youâre not sure what he likes so much about your photos, but now youâre a little glad that the editor asked you to take pictures.
âHey, wait up!â
You turn around. Loganâs jogging toward you.Â
âWhat are you doing?â you ask as he stops in front of you.
âUh.â He puts his hands on his hips, breathing hard. âUm. Hm. Good question. I donât know, actually. I just feel like we ended on a weird note in there.â
You frown, nodding. âI know. Iâm sorry I was weird and freaked out in front of your friends.â
âWhat? You didnâtââ
âI did, Logan. I know I did. I saw Dean and Garrettâs faces. They thought I was weird. And I was, to be fair. I reacted too strongly to the absence thing. Sometimes I do that, and I donât realize until someoneâs really obvious with their face that I, you know, emoted wrong.â
âYou did not emote wrong,â Logan says, shaking his head in disbelief. âYou didnât, okay? I promise that Garrett and Dean didnât think that. They were probably just confused. You and Hannah are, you knowâŠâ
âNerds?â you finish.
âSmart, studious, all that. And I know we keep it hidden, but weâre actually not winning any Nobel prizes in between practice. Theyâre not used to people who worry about attendance. Thatâs all it was, I promise.â
You purse your lips, trying to figure out if heâs telling the truth. You canât, so you just ask. âDo you mean it?â
âYes,â Logan says. âI mean it.â
âItâs okay if you donât. I wouldnât hold it against you. Lots of people have thought Iâm weird. Lots of boys. Lots of athletes. I was terrible at kickball in middle school, and people hated me for it. I would sit out early so they wouldnât purposely kick the ball at me.â
His eyes get sad. Thatâs an expression you recognize on Hannah too.
âThatâs fucking awful,â Logan says. âWe arenât all like that. Iâm not, anyway, and the guys I hang out with arenât either. Even if you are weird, itâs not a bad thing. Not at all.â
No oneâs ever told you itâs okay to be weird. Theyâve only ever denied that you are, even though youâre pretty sure you are. You canât help it either. But Logan doesnât mind. Youâre still good. He still likes you. No one is going to kick a ball at you.Â
âOkay. Can you tell me how to get to the Hawks house? Iâm going to drop off your wings before Monday.â
âSure, so youâre gonna walk down this little path here, Cooper Avenue. Then youâre gonna turn left, onto Montgomery. Then youâll walk all the way down till you get to Pickett Lane. Itâs like a dirt path. And youâll turn right onto that. Weâre the first house on the left.â
You nod, even though youâve already forgotten all that. Youâre terrible with street names. âIâll be there.â
âI look forward to it,â Logan says, grinning.Â
You start to walk away, then you turn around and return. âI actually donât remember anything youâve just said. Iâm bad with streets and directions. Can you tell me in terms of landmarks?â
âI can absolutely do that,â Logan says softly. âOkay, you know the statue of the guy on the horse?â
âYes, the famous horse wrangler who carried children on horseback to Briarâs first schoolhouse in 1846.â
He tilts his head. âHow do you know that?â
âItâs on the plaque.â
âHuh. Embarrassingly, Iâve never stopped to read one of those plaques. I should do that.â
âHe brought children to school for eighteen years. One of them ended up founding Briar University.â
âShit, wow. Thatâs cool.â
âHistory is cool.â
Logan hums. âYouâre cool. And that mentality is why Deanâs the loser for missing half the semester and you arenât.â
You smile. âI guess so.â
âOkay, so, horse wrangler. Turn left when you get to him. Then youâre gonna walk past that student vegetable garden you photographed. Keep walking until you see that giant oak tree with the knots in the trunk. The one that students make out under. Or, uh⊠study?â
âAttempt to study, anyway.â You know the struggle well.
âThereâs a path there, and youâll walk until you see our house on the left.â
âGot it,â you say. âFor real, this time.â
âGood. Then Iâll see you at some point, before class. If you want to stop by.â
You look at the cafeteria. âThey wonât mind?â
âNah, we always have people come over, donât worry. Hey.â Logan bumps your arm gently. âThey wonât bother you. And if you want, text me, so youâll know Iâll be home.â
The sun is in his eyes. Speckled tree bark. Rich, black tea. You want to kiss him so badly.
âI really do like talking to you,â you say.
âMe too.â Logan steps closer. Your heart is in your throat.
âOkay, well, see you!â And youâre gone.
Thereâs a photo from this morningâs interview you took of Logan. Heâs looking at youâwell, the cameraâsmiling, a curl falling into his eyes. You donât send it to the editor, even though itâs one of your best photos. Instead, you set it as his contact picture on your phone.Â
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Summary: Dean has never held on to anything â not girls, not feelings, not the memory of a childhood best friend who disappeared across an ocean at fourteen. Then you walk back into his life on a brisk October morning, and every carefully constructed wall he never knew he had built comes down in an instant. You came to Briar to disappear. You didnât count on being found
Warnings: 18+ content
The late October air sweeping across the Briar University quad is brisk enough to make a normal person shiver, but Dean runs hot. He always has.
Right now, heâs walking backward, a steaming cup of coffee in one hand, completely ignoring the fact that heâs navigating a crowded campus blind. But then again, Dean rarely has to watch where heâs going. People naturally move out of his way.Â
âIâm just saying,â Dean says, raising his coffee cup to emphasize his point, his voice carrying that familiar, effortless charm that makes half the girls within a fifty-foot radius turn their heads. âItâs not about the quantity, gentlemen. Itâs about the experience. The mutually beneficial exchange of joy.â
Logan snorts, adjusting the strap of his duffel bag over his broad shoulder. âMutually beneficial exchange of joy? Did you read that in a poetry textbook, Di Laurentis? Or is that just the line you used on the kappa sig girl last night?â
âFirst of all, her name was Britney,â Dean corrects, flashing a bright, wicked grin. âAnd second, I didnât use any lines. I am simply a purveyor of good times. I like women. Women like me. Itâs the circle of life, Elton John style.â
âYouâre a menace,â Garrett mutters, though heâs grinning. Garrett is walking beside Beau, who is casually tossing a small foam football between his hands. Tucker brings up the rear, quiet and imposing, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his denim jacket.
âI am a public servant,â Dean fires back, spinning around so heâs finally walking forward, falling into step with the rest of the hulking athletes. Together, the five of them take up the entire sidewalk. They are Briarâs royalty â hockey stars and the football golden boy â and they know it. But Dean wears the crown with a different kind of ease. He doesnât have the brooding intensity of Garrett or the quieter, intimidating stoicism of Logan. Dean is sunshine and sin, wrapped in a designer jacket that probably costs more than a semesterâs tuition.
And he has nothing to be stressed about. His parents are two of the most high-powered attorneys on the East Coast. His motherâs family basically owns half the luxury hotels in the country. He grew up in Greenwich, Connecticut, in a house that looked like a castle, raised by parents who were shockingly down-to-earth and irritatingly in love with each other. He knows what love looks like. He just has absolutely no interest in it right now. Why tie himself down when the world is full of beautiful, willing women?
âYouâre going to catch something one of these days, man,â Beau chuckles, spiraling the foam ball into the air and catching it effortlessly. âAnd I donât mean feelings.â
âI am pristine,â Dean says, pressing a hand to his chest in mock offense. âI am a beacon of health and vitality.â
âYouâre a slut,â Logan corrects cheerfully.Â
âI am comfortably sex-positive,â Dean counters, winking at a passing group of cheerleaders who immediately dissolve into giggles. He doesnât break his stride. He rarely spends a night alone, and he likes it that way.Â
âHey, watch it,â Tucker says suddenly, putting a massive hand on Deanâs shoulder to stop him from plowing into a cluster of students gathered near the science building.Â
Dean halts, taking a sip of his coffee. He glances over the heads of the crowd, his eyes scanning the courtyard purely out of habit. Looking for a pretty face, a nice smile, someone to spend the evening with.Â
Thatâs when he sees you.
Dean stops breathing. Actually, physically forgets how to inhale.Â
Across the courtyard, standing beneath the shade of a massive oak tree, is a woman. And not just any woman. She stands out against the sea of Briar University hoodies and sweatpants like a diamond sitting in a pile of gravel. Sheâs wearing a tailored camel trench coat, tied neatly at the waist, over a dark, elegant turtleneck. Her posture is immaculate â straight-backed, poised, the kind of posture drilled into someone through years of etiquette classes and formal dinners.Â
But itâs not the clothes that make Deanâs heart violently hurl itself against his ribs. Itâs the face.Â
He blinks hard. He shakes his head, rubbing his free hand over his eyes. No, he tells himself. Youâre hallucinating, Di Laurentis. Too much studying. Too much caffeine. Because it canât be you. You are an ocean away.
You are the daughter of his motherâs best friend. The girl who grew up in the estate next door in Greenwich. The girl who used to build terribly constructed forts with him in the woods, who used to scrape her knees trying to keep up with him, who he used to share all his secrets with before the world got complicated. You were joined at the hip, practically a permanent fixture in the Di Laurentis household, until right before high school.Â
That was when your father was appointed as the Ambassador to the United Kingdom. And just like that, you were whisked away to London.Â
The distance had been a sudden, sharp ache that Dean had never fully known how to process. Over the years, the letters and FaceTime calls had dwindled as you both grew up and built separate lives. Last he heard from his mother, you were studying at Oxford. You were thriving. You were also, allegedly, dating some British aristocrat. A Lord, or an Earl, or a Viscount. Something pretentious. Not that Dean was jealous. He absolutely wasnât jealous. He was a Briar hockey star; why would he care about some tea-drinking Earl in tweed?
But the woman standing under the tree looks exactly like the girl he used to know, overlaid with a breathtaking, mature beauty that makes his throat go dry.
âWhoa,â Beau murmurs, having followed Deanâs line of sight. âWho is that? She looks like she belongs on the cover of Vogue, not outside the geology building.â
âTransfer student?â Garrett guesses, narrowing his eyes.Â
âI call dibs,â Logan says immediately.
âShut up,â Dean snaps. The harshness of his own voice surprises him, and it definitely surprises the guys, who all turn to look at him in bewilderment.Â
Dean ignores them, his eyes locked on the figure under the tree. The woman is talking to two girls from Deanâs sports psychology class. She looks slightly shy, her hands clasped elegantly in front of her.Â
Then, one of the girls says something, and the woman laughs.
Itâs a soft, musical sound, ringing clear across the crisp autumn air.Â
Dean drops his coffee.Â
The paper cup hits the concrete, splashing warm, brown liquid over his pristine white sneakers, but he doesnât even notice. He would know that laugh anywhere. He has heard it a thousand times in his childhood â when he fell off the monkey bars, when he told a terrible joke, when they stayed up past midnight watching movies they werenât supposed to see.
âY/N?â Dean breathes.Â
He doesnât realize heâs moving until heâs already shoving past a group of freshmen.Â
âWhoa, Dean! Where are you going?â Tucker calls out.
Dean ignores them. He closes the distance across the courtyard in long, frantic strides. His heart is pounding a frantic, erratic rhythm against his sternum. As he gets closer, he raises his voice, the desperation bleeding through.
âY/N!âÂ
You pause. The polite smile falters on your lips as you hear your name. You turn, your eyes scanning the chaotic campus crowd in confusion. You look bewildered, slightly out of your depth, a delicate flower suddenly dropped into the chaotic wilderness of an American college campus.Â
Then, your eyes land on him.Â
Dean stops a few feet away, his chest heaving as if he just skated three periods back-to-back.Â
You stare at him. Your wide, expressive eyes blink once. Twice. Your lips part in shock. You take in the messy blonde hair, the broad shoulders that have filled out significantly since you were fourteen, the familiar, handsome face that has haunted your memories for years.
âDean?â Your voice is a soft gasp, carrying a subtle, elegant British lilt that completely wrecks him.
âHoly shit,â Dean breathes out. âItâs really you.â
Before you can even formulate another word, Dean crosses the remaining distance. He doesnât think. He just acts. He throws his arms around you, pulling you flush against his chest. He buries his face in the crook of your neck, inhaling the scent of you. You smell like expensive vanilla and Earl Grey tea, sophisticated and warm and so intensely you that it makes his head spin.
For a second, you freeze, completely shocked by the sudden, overwhelming embrace. But then, instinct takes over. You melt against him, your arms wrapping around his waist, holding onto him with a fierce, quiet desperation.Â
The entire courtyard seems to stop.Â
âIs that ⊠Dean Di Laurentis?â A girl whispers loudly nearby. âIs he hugging someone?â
âLike ⊠romantically?â Another asks in disbelief. âI thought he didnât do public affection.â
âI thought he only hugged girls when they were horizontal.â
Dean hears the whispers, but he couldnât care less. He squeezes you tighter, lifting you off your feet just a fraction of an inch, relishing the feeling of you in his arms. Itâs a completely foreign sensation for him â touching a woman not with the intent to seduce, but out of overwhelming adoration and relief.Â
When he finally, reluctantly pulls back, he keeps his hands on your shoulders, his thumbs gently grazing the soft fabric of your coat. He looks down at you, really looking at you, taking in the elegant curve of your jaw, the soft flush on your cheeks, the way your eyes sparkle with unshed tears.
âLook at you,â he murmurs, his voice thick with an emotion he canât quite name. âYouâre ⊠God, youâre beautiful. Youâre all grown up.â
You blush, a deep, pretty pink spreading across your cheeks. You duck your head shyly, a demure gesture that completely contradicts the bold, brash girls Dean usually surrounds himself with. âYou havenât done too badly yourself, Dean. Though I see youâre still as dramatic as ever.â
Dean laughs, a bright, genuine sound. âWhat the hell are you doing here? Mom told me you were at Oxford. Getting cozy with royalty or whatever.â He tries to keep the bitterness out of his voice, but a tiny sliver slips through.
Your smile falters slightly, a shadow passing over your eyes. You glance around, suddenly aware of the massive crowd of students staring at you, and more specifically, the four giant athletes slowly approaching from behind Dean, their jaws practically on the floor.Â
âItâs ⊠complicated,â you say softly, your hands nervously twisting the belt of your trench coat. âI transferred. Iâm going to Briar now.â
âYouâre going to Briar?â Dean repeats, his brain struggling to compute this information. You, the diplomatâs daughter, the Oxford scholar, at a party school in Massachusetts? âSince when?â
âSince about a week ago,â you admit, your voice barely above a whisper. âDean, I âŠâ
âHold on, hold on,â Loganâs voice interrupts, loud and booming. Dean groans inwardly, dropping his hands from your shoulders as his friends finally catch up.Â
Logan, Garrett, Tucker, and Beau form a massive, intimidating wall of muscle behind Dean. They are all staring at you as if you just dropped out of the sky in a flying saucer.Â
âDean,â Garrett says slowly, his eyes darting between you and his best friend. âAre you going to introduce us to your ⊠friend?â
Dean feels a sudden, fierce wave of protectiveness wash over him. He steps slightly in front of you, shielding you from their intense gazes.Â
âGuys, this is Y/N,â Dean says, his voice taking on a serious tone that the guys rarely hear. âY/N, these are my idiot friends. Garrett, Logan, Tucker, and Beau.â
You offer them a small, polite smile, dipping your head in a graceful nod. âIt is very lovely to meet you all. Dean has mentioned ⊠well, he actually hasnât mentioned you, but his mother has.â
Beau chuckles, immediately charmed. âWell, arenât you a breath of fresh air. How do you know our boy here?â
âWe grew up together,â you explain softly, your eyes darting back to Dean. âIn Greenwich. We were best friends.â
âBest friends,â Logan repeats, his eyebrows shooting up to his hairline. He looks at Dean, a slow, annoying smirk spreading across his face. âFunny. Dean never mentioned he had a gorgeous, British-sounding best friend.â
âSheâs not British, she just lived there,â Dean snaps, glaring at Logan. âAnd I didnât mention her because you degenerates donât deserve to know about her.â
Tucker chuckles, tipping his imaginary hat to you. âMaâam. Itâs a pleasure.â
âPlease, just Y/N is fine,â you say, your cheeks still flushed.Â
Dean turns his attention back to you, completely ignoring his friends. He reaches out, gently catching your hand. Your fingers are freezing.Â
âYouâre shaking,â he notes, his brow furrowing. âAnd you didnât answer my question. Why are you here, Y/N? And donât give me some bullshit about wanting to experience American college life. Oxford was your dream.â
You look down at your intertwined hands, your thumb unconsciously tracing the knuckles of his hand. Itâs an intimate, familiar gesture that sends a jolt of electricity straight to Deanâs groin, but he aggressively shoves that reaction down. This is you. He cannot corrupt you.Â
âMy father,â you start, your voice trembling slightly. You swallow hard, looking up into Deanâs eyes, seeing the genuine concern radiating from him. âHe ⊠he was getting threats. At the embassy. Serious ones.â
The air around the group instantly shifts. The playful banter evaporates. Garrettâs posture straightens, Tucker crosses his arms, and Deanâs entire body goes rigid.Â
âThreats?â Dean asks, his voice dropping an octave, losing all of its usual playful cadence. âWhat kind of threats?â
âPolitical ones,â you say vaguely, not wanting to spill state secrets in the middle of a busy quad. âThings got very tense very quickly. Security advised that my family be relocated. My parents are back in D.C. under heavy detail, but they didnât want my education completely derailed. Briar has an excellent political science program, and they accepted my transfer credits immediately. Plus, itâs far away from Washington, but still in the States. They thought I would blend in here.â
You gesture helplessly to your immaculate outfit, contrasting sharply with the neon leggings and hoodies around you. âThough I suppose Iâm failing a bit at the blending in part.â
Dean doesnât laugh. His jaw is ticking, a muscle feathering in his cheek as he processes what youâre saying. You were in danger. You were threatened. The thought makes a sudden, terrifying rage spike in his chest.Â
âAre you safe here?â Dean demands, his hand tightening around yours.Â
âYes,â you assure him quickly. âI have ⊠well, I have discrete security. But officially, Iâm just a normal student now. Or trying to be.â
Dean looks at you, really looks at you. He sees the exhaustion lurking beneath your perfectly applied makeup, the faint dark circles under your eyes, the tension in your shoulders. You have been uprooted, terrified, and dropped into a completely alien environment.Â
âWhere are you living?â Dean asks.
âThey put me in a single dorm in the upperclassman hall,â you say softly. âI was just trying to find the registrarâs office to get my schedule sorted, but this campus is rather massive.â
Dean makes a split-second decision.Â
âYouâre not staying in a dorm,â Dean says definitively.Â
You blink in surprise. âPardon?â
âHe said,â Logan chimes in, correctly reading Deanâs mood and seamlessly backing him up, âthat the dorms are trash. And youâre not staying in one.â
âIâI have to,â you stammer, looking overwhelmed. âItâs already paid for, and-â
âI donât care if the President himself paid for it,â Dean says, stepping closer to you. âYouâre not sleeping in a building with a broken security door and a bunch of drunk frat boys running down the halls. Youâre coming home with me.â
Your eyes go wide. âDean, I couldnât possibly-â
âI live in an off-campus house,â Dean continues, his tone leaving absolutely no room for argument. âWith Garrett, Logan, and Tucker. We have a spare room. Itâs supposed to be a gaming room, but weâll clear it out. Youâre staying with us.â
âDean,â Garrett says slowly, rubbing the back of his neck. âAre you sure thatâs a good idea? I mean, weâre not exactly ⊠quiet.â
âSheâs staying with us, Garrett,â Dean repeats, shooting his captain a look that dares him to argue.Â
Garrett holds his hands up in surrender. âHey, Iâm not arguing. Itâs your call. Just warning the lady.â
You look entirely flustered, your elegant composure cracking as you look between the massive hockey players and your childhood best friend. âDean, really, itâs too much. I donât want to intrude. You have your own life, your own friends-â
âY/N,â Dean says softly. He reaches out, gently cupping your cheek. The contact makes you gasp quietly. His thumb strokes your cheekbone, his eyes softening as he looks into yours. âYou are never an intrusion. Youâre family. And right now, you need someone to look out for you. Let me do this.â
You stare up at him, your heart doing a complicated flutter in your chest. The boy you used to know â the skinny, hyperactive kid who used to catch frogs in the creek â is gone. In his place is a man. A broad, commanding, impossibly handsome man who is looking at you with such fierce, protective devotion that it makes your breath catch.Â
âOkay,â you whisper softly. âOkay. If youâre sure.â
âIâve never been more sure of anything,â Dean says, offering you a breathtaking, devastating smile. The kind of smile that breaks hearts on a daily basis.Â
He turns to the guys. âBeau, go to the registrar and sort out her schedule. Take her ID. Garrett, Logan, Tucker â weâre going to her dorm to pack up her shit and move it to our house.â
âWait, I didnât agree to be manual labor,â Logan complains.Â
Dean shoots him a dark look.Â
âManual labor is my favorite,â Logan corrects immediately. âPoint me to the boxes.â
Dean turns back to you, slipping your hand securely into his, lacing your fingers together. âCome on, sweetheart. Letâs get you out of this quad.â
As Dean leads you away, with three massive hockey players trailing behind like your personal bodyguards, you canât help but feel a profound sense of whiplash. Within twenty minutes, your entire terrifying, lonely American college experience has been hijacked by Dean Di Laurentis.Â
You look down at your intertwined hands, feeling the heat of his palm against yours.Â
Maybe coming back to America wasnât such a bad thing after all.Â
***
The walk to your dorm is a surreal experience. The Briar campus is bustling with mid-morning activity, and you are acutely aware of the stares. Specifically, the stares directed at your joined hands.Â
âDean,â you murmur, leaning closer to him so the guys trailing behind you wonât hear. âPeople are staring.â
âLet them stare,â Dean says easily, his thumb rhythmically stroking the back of your hand. âTheyâre just jealous because Iâm walking with the prettiest girl on campus.â
You roll your eyes, though a hot blush creeps up your neck. âYou havenât changed. Still a terrible flirt.â
âIâm not flirting,â Dean says, sounding genuinely offended. âIâm stating facts. I have an eye for aesthetics, Y/N. You know this.â
âI know that your mother used to complain that you spent more time looking in the mirror than she did,â you tease gently.Â
Dean barks out a laugh. âThat was one time! And I was styling my hair for the seventh-grade dance.â
âYou used an entire can of hairspray,â you remind him, a genuine smile finally breaking through your anxiety. âYou smelled like a chemical hazard.â
âAnd yet, you still danced with me,â he counters, throwing a wink over his shoulder.Â
âI took pity on you,â you reply primly.Â
Behind you, Logan lets out a low whistle. âSheâs got jokes, Di Laurentis. I like her. Can we keep her?â
âSheâs not a stray dog, Logan,â Garrett groans.Â
âSheâs too classy for us,â Tucker adds in his slow, Southern drawl. âLook at her. She looks like she should be having tea with the Queen, not walking next to a guy who ate cereal out of a frisbee this morning.â
You glance back at Tucker, slightly horrified. âYou ate cereal out of a frisbee?â
âAll the bowls were dirty,â Logan defends him. âIt was a logistical necessity.â
You turn back to Dean, your eyes wide. âWhat exactly have I agreed to?â
âChaos,â Dean admits cheerfully. âAbsolute, unmitigated chaos. But I promise weâll keep the house clean for you. Iâll personally hire a maid if I have to.â
âYou donât have to do that,â you say quickly. âI can clean. Iâm quite domesticated.â
Dean stops walking. He turns to look at you, his expression completely serious. âY/N. You are not cleaning our house. I will literally physically restrain you before I let you scrub a toilet that Logan has used.â
âHey!â Logan yells from behind.
âIâm serious,â Dean says, his eyes boring into yours. âYouâre a guest. Youâre my ⊠youâre with me. You donât lift a finger.â
His words send a strange shiver down your spine. There is a possessiveness in his tone that youâve never heard before. Itâs thrilling, and terrifying, and completely unexpected.Â
You finally reach your dorm building. Itâs a standard, slightly run-down brick building that smells vaguely of cheap beer and floor wax. Dean wrinkles his nose as you lead them inside and up to the third floor.Â
When you unlock your door and push it open, the stark, depressing reality of the tiny room hits you again. A single twin bed with a thin mattress, a particle-board desk, and two large suitcases sitting unpacked in the center of the floor.Â
Dean steps inside, looking around with blatant disgust. âYeah, no. This is a prison cell. Grab what you need for the day, weâre taking the rest.â
âItâs not that bad,â you say softly, walking over to your suitcase.Â
âItâs inhumane,â Dean corrects. He turns to his teammates. âGrab the bags. Letâs go.â
Garrett and Tucker easily heft your massive, heavy suitcases as if they weigh absolutely nothing. Logan grabs a smaller duffel bag and a few hanging garment bags.Â
âIs this everything?â Dean asks.Â
You look around the barren room, clutching your handbag. âYes. I havenât exactly had time to unpack.â
âGood,â Dean says. He steps close to you again, his presence overwhelming in the tiny space. He reaches out, gently tucking a stray lock of hair behind your ear. His fingers brush against your skin, sending a jolt of heat straight to your core.Â
âYouâre safe now,â he murmurs, his voice so low only you can hear it. âIâve got you, Y/N. I promise.â
You look up into his warm, green eyes, seeing the fierce sincerity there. The fear and isolation that had been gripping your chest for the past week slowly begins to uncoil.Â
âI know,â you whisper.Â
For the first time since you landed in America, you actually believe it.Â
Dean smiles, a soft, intimate thing that makes your breath catch. He takes your hand again, leading you out of the dismal dorm room and toward whatever crazy, chaotic new life awaits you at the off-campus house.Â
As you walk out of the building, surrounded by a phalanx of massive hockey players, you realize one very undeniable fact.Â
Dean Di Laurentis might be known as the campus womanizer, but to you, he is something entirely different. He is your past, your protector, and quite possibly, the most dangerous thing to your heart.
The walk to the house is a blur of falling autumn leaves and the continuous, rapid-fire banter of the Briar hockey players. You mostly listen, fascinated by the easy camaraderie between Dean and his friends. Itâs vastly different from the stiff, overly polite circles you ran in at Oxford, where every conversation felt like a chess match. Here, the insults are hurled with affection, and there are absolutely no filters.Â
âSo, Y/N,â Garrett says, easily matching your pace despite carrying a suitcase that weighs half as much as you do. âPolitics, huh? You want to be a diplomat like your dad?â
âThatâs the plan,â you say, your voice steadying as you find your footing in the conversation. âInternational relations, specifically. Though right now, I think Iâd settle for just passing my midterms without causing an international incident.â
âIf you need help studying, Logan is basically a genius,â Dean chimes in, though his tone is heavily laced with sarcasm. âHe once tried to put metal in the microwave to see if it would sparkle.â
âIt was a scientific inquiry!â Logan defends loudly from the back. âAnd I was a freshman!â
âYou were a sophomore,â Tucker corrects mildly.Â
You let out a soft laugh, the sound bubbling up naturally. Deanâs head snaps toward you, his eyes catching yours. The playful smirk on his face softens into something warmer, something that makes the knot of anxiety in your stomach loosen even more.Â
âHere we are,â Dean announces, gesturing grandly to a large, slightly weathered two-story house sitting on a quiet residential street just off campus. The lawn could use a trim, and thereâs a stray hockey stick leaning against the porch railing, but it looks incredibly inviting. It looks like a home.Â
Dean leads you up the steps and pushes the front door open, stepping aside to let you enter first.Â
You step into the foyer, immediately assaulted by the scent of pine cleaner, old leather, and something distinctly masculine. The living room to the left is massive, dominated by a huge sectional sofa and a television that belongs in a movie theater.Â
âItâs ⊠very big,â you remark politely, stepping further inside.Â
âItâs a pigsty,â Dean corrects, glaring at a pair of discarded sneakers in the hallway. He kicks them into a closet. âIâm going to murder whoever left their shoes out.â
âThose are your shoes, bro,â Logan points out, dropping your bags at the base of the stairs.Â
Dean doesnât miss a beat. âIâm a complex man. I contain multitudes. Come on, sweetheart, let me show you your room.â
He takes your hand again â a gesture that is quickly becoming a habit â and leads you up the wide wooden staircase. You trail behind him, acutely aware of how small your hand feels in his.Â
At the end of the hallway, Dean pushes open a door.Â
âThis was the designated gaming room,â Dean explains, flipping on the light switch. âBut we have another TV downstairs, so itâs basically just storage. Give us an hour to clear out the Xbox and the beanbag chairs, and weâll bring up a bed from the basement. Itâs a real mattress, I swear. Not that dorm room cardboard.â
You step into the room. Itâs spacious, with a large window overlooking the backyard. Right now, itâs cluttered with video game cases, a ratty sofa, and empty pizza boxes.Â
You turn to Dean, feeling overwhelmed all over again. âDean, I canât ask you to give up your space for me. I can just stay in the dorm. It really isnât-â
âStop,â Dean says softly, stepping into your personal space. He reaches out, placing his hands lightly on your waist. The heat of his palms bleeds through your trench coat, sending a violent shiver down your spine.Â
âLook at me,â he commands gently.Â
You look up, meeting those devastating green eyes.Â
âI am not letting you stay in a dorm where anyone could walk in,â Dean says, his voice dropping to a serious, gravelly register. âI know you have security, but I donât care. I need to know youâre safe. I need to know that when I go to sleep at night, youâre just down the hall. Let me do this for you, Y/N. Please.â
His plea is so earnest, so completely stripped of the cocky armor he usually wears, that it breaks your heart a little. You realize then that this isnât just about protecting you; itâs about him needing the reassurance.Â
âOkay,â you whisper, nodding slowly. âOkay, Dean. Thank you.â
He exhales a long breath, a stunning smile breaking across his face. âGood. Now, sit on that disgustingly stained sofa and supervise while I make these idiots do heavy lifting.â
For the next hour, you sit and watch in amusement as the hockey players dismantle the gaming room. They move furniture with shocking efficiency, bickering the entire time. Dean is a relentless taskmaster, snapping orders and threatening bodily harm if anyone scratches the walls.Â
When they finally lug a heavy wooden bed frame and a pristine mattress up from the basement, Dean insists on making the bed himself.Â
You lean against the doorframe, watching as the notorious campus playboy meticulously tucks in a fitted sheet with absolute precision.Â
âYou have excellent domestic skills, Di Laurentis,â you tease, crossing your arms over your chest.Â
Dean smirks, tossing a pillow onto the bed. âMy mother taught me that a man should always know how to make a bed perfectly. Among other things.â
He shoots you a wicked, heavily implied wink that makes your face burn.Â
âDown, boy,â Garrett warns as he walks past, carrying the last stack of video games. âDonât scar the poor girl.â
âI am a perfect gentleman,â Dean protests, fluffing the pillow aggressively.Â
Once the room is cleared and your suitcases are placed at the foot of the bed, Dean ushers the other guys out of the room.Â
âGive her some space to unpack,â Dean orders, practically shoving Logan out the door. âWeâll order pizza for lunch. Y/N, you like pepperoni?â
âI love pepperoni,â you say softly.Â
âPerfect. Unpack. Breathe. Come down when youâre ready,â Dean says. He lingers in the doorway for a second, his eyes tracing over your features as if he still canât believe youâre actually standing in his house.Â
âWelcome home, Y/N.â
And as he pulls the door shut, leaving you alone in the suddenly quiet room, you press a hand to your chest, feeling the frantic, terrifyingly fast beat of your heart.Â
You are thousands of miles from the life you knew, hiding from threats you barely understand, living in a house full of giant athletes.Â
But as you look at the perfectly made bed, and remember the fierce, protective heat in Deanâs eyes, you realize something profound.Â
For the first time in weeks, you arenât afraid.Â
By the time you finish unpacking your essentials and hanging your tailored clothes in the small closet, the scent of melted cheese and greasy pepperoni is wafting up the stairs. Your stomach gives an unladylike rumble, reminding you that you havenât eaten since a piece of dry toast at 6:00 AM.Â
You take a deep breath, smoothing down the front of your sweater. You swapped the formal trench coat and turtleneck for a pair of fitted dark jeans and a soft, oversized cashmere sweater â an attempt to match the casual vibe of the house without losing your own sense of style.Â
When you walk down the stairs, the volume of the house hits you instantly. The television is blaring a sports broadcast, and three overlapping arguments are happening simultaneously in the kitchen.Â
You peek around the corner. The massive kitchen island is covered in flat cardboard pizza boxes. Garrett, Logan, and Tucker are all standing around, shoving slices into their mouths at an alarming rate.Â
Dean is leaning against the counter, a slice of pizza in one hand and a beer in the other. He looks perfectly in his element, relaxed and gorgeously disheveled.Â
Then he spots you.Â
The conversation around him continues, but Dean completely tunes it out. His eyes lock onto yours, sweeping over your casual outfit. A slow, devastating smile spreads across his face, lighting up his features in a way that makes your breath catch.Â
âHey,â he says softly, his voice cutting through the noise in the room like a knife.Â
The other guys immediately stop talking and turn to look at you.Â
âThe Queen descends,â Logan jokes, offering you a greasy salute with his pizza crust.Â
âIgnore him,â Dean says, pushing off the counter and walking over to you. He grabs a clean paper plate, loads it with two slices of pepperoni pizza, and hands it to you. âEat. You look like a stiff breeze could knock you over.â
âThank you,â you murmur, taking the plate. You walk over to the island, hyper-aware of Dean shadowing your steps. You take a delicate bite of the pizza, the warm, greasy goodness making you close your eyes in appreciation. âOh, that is heavenly.â
âSee?â Dean says, looking incredibly smug. âAmerican pizza. Way better than whatever boiled garbage they serve in England.â
âThey donât boil pizza, Dean,â you point out dryly, taking another bite.Â
âWhatever,â he dismisses smoothly. He leans against the counter next to you, his shoulder brushing against yours. The physical contact is completely casual for him, but it sends a jolt of electricity straight to your brain. âSo, did Beau text back about your schedule?â
Tucker pulls out his phone. âYeah, Beau texted the group chat while you were upstairs. He got her registered. Emailed the schedule to her student account. Sheâs got Political Theory at 8 AM tomorrow.â
You groan softly, dropping your head forward. âEight AM. The cruelty of the American education system.â
Dean laughs, a rich, warm sound that vibrates in his chest. âDonât worry. Iâll drive you.â
You look up at him, startled. âDean, you donât have to do that. I can walk. Iâm sure you have your own classes.â
âI donât have class until eleven,â Dean says simply, taking a sip of his beer. âAnd youâre not walking across campus alone. Not right now. Until we get a handle on ⊠your situation, you donât go anywhere alone. Understand?â
His tone leaves no room for argument. Itâs the voice of a man who is used to getting his way, but beneath the bossiness, there is a thick layer of genuine anxiety. He is worried about you.Â
âAlright,â you agree softly. âIf youâre sure itâs not a bother.â
âYou,â Dean says, leaning in so his face is only inches from yours, his green eyes intense, âare never a bother.â
The kitchen suddenly feels very small, and very hot. You stare into his eyes, completely forgetting how to breathe, let alone speak. The undeniable, pulsing tension between you is thick enough to cut with a knife.Â
Someone clears their throat loudly.Â
You jump, breaking eye contact with Dean and looking over to see Garrett leaning against the fridge, arms crossed, observing the two of you with raised eyebrows.Â
âSo,â Garrett drawls, a hint of amusement in his voice. âChildhood best friends, huh? You guys used to play in the sandbox together?â
âI used to push him into the mud,â you correct, finding your voice. âRegularly.â
Logan barks a laugh. âI knew I liked her.â
âShe was vicious,â Dean agrees, turning back to the guys but keeping his body angled toward you. âOne time, she convinced me that poison ivy was a rare type of mint. I was covered in rashes for a week.â
âYou were terribly gullible,â you say innocently, taking another bite of pizza.Â
âI trusted you!â Dean gasps in mock betrayal. âYou were the diplomatâs daughter! You were supposed to be honorable.â
âDiplomacy,â you counter smoothly, âis just the art of letting someone else have your way. I wanted to see what would happen.â
The guys burst into laughter, and even Dean chuckles, shaking his head. He reaches out and nudges your shoulder gently. âYouâre lucky youâre cute, Y/L/N.â
The casual compliment makes your heart stutter. You duck your head to hide the sudden blush painting your cheeks.Â
As lunch winds down, the guys scatter to their respective routines. Garrett and Logan head to the living room to play NHL on the Xbox, and Tucker retreats upstairs to study.Â
Which leaves you alone in the kitchen with Dean.Â
You start gathering the empty pizza boxes, intending to throw them away, but Dean intercepts you. His hands cover yours, stopping your movements.Â
âI told you,â he says softly. âYou donât clean.â
âDean, itâs just boxes,â you protest weakly, staring down at his large, warm hands covering yours.Â
âI donât care,â he says. He takes the boxes from you and tosses them into the large trash can by the door. Then, he turns back to you, his expression turning uncharacteristically serious.Â
âY/N. Come here.â
He grabs your hand and leads you out of the kitchen, pulling you toward the back of the house and out onto a small patio. The crisp autumn air bites at your cheeks, but you barely feel it. Dean lets go of your hand and leans against the wooden railing, crossing his arms over his chest.Â
âTell me the truth,â he says, his eyes boring into yours. âHow bad are the threats?â
You wrap your arms around your middle, suddenly feeling very small. The playful banter of the kitchen is gone, replaced by the stark, terrifying reality of why you are actually here.Â
âThey were ⊠specific,â you whisper, looking down at the wooden planks of the patio. âLetters delivered directly to the embassy. Photos of me at Oxford. Walking to class. Sitting in cafes. Someone was following me.â
Dean curses violently under his breath, his hands gripping the railing so hard his knuckles turn white.Â
âMy fatherâs security detail intercepted them before I saw most of it,â you continue, your voice trembling slightly at the memory. âBut they told him that the people making the threats knew my schedule perfectly. They wanted my father to vote a certain way on an upcoming international trade sanction, and they were using me as leverage.â
Dean pushes off the railing and steps closer to you. He doesnât touch you, but his physical proximity is a comfort in itself. âSo they pulled you out.â
âIn the middle of the night,â you nod, tears pricking the corners of your eyes. âI didnât even get to say goodbye to my professors or my friends. They packed my bags, put me on a private jet with four armed guards, and flew me to D.C. I stayed in a safe house for three days before they decided Briar was a safe enough distance to hide me.â
You look up at him, a single tear spilling over your lashes and tracking down your cheek. âIâm terrified, Dean. Iâm trying to be brave, but every time I look over my shoulder, I expect to see someone watching me.â
âHey,â Dean breathes, closing the remaining distance between you. He wraps his arms around you, pulling you firmly against his chest. You bury your face in his shoulder, letting out a shaky breath as his arms envelop you completely.Â
âNo one is watching you here,â Dean whispers fiercely into your hair, his hands stroking up and down your back. âI swear to God, Y/N, no one is going to touch you. You have me. You have Garrett, Logan, and Tucker. We are literally a house full of giant, violent hockey players. You are the safest person in the state of Massachusetts.â
You let out a wet, watery laugh against his sweater. âYouâre not violent.â
âI can be,â Dean says, and the deadly serious tone of his voice makes you pause. âFor you, I could be.â
You pull back slightly, looking up into his face. The cocky, charming playboy is entirely gone. In his eyes, you see a fierce, unyielding devotion that takes your breath away.Â
âWhy are you doing this, Dean?â You whisper. âYou have your own life. You donât need to babysit me.â
Dean reaches up, his thumb gently wiping away the tear track on your cheek. His touch is impossibly tender.Â
âBecause youâre mine,â he says simply, the words slipping out naturally, as if itâs the most obvious fact in the universe. âYou always have been, Y/N. Since we were kids. I lost you once when you moved away. Iâm not letting anything happen to you now that I have you back.â
Your heart slams against your ribs. The words echo in your head, thrilling and terrifying all at once. You stare at him, seeing the sudden realization of what he just said flicker in his own eyes. Dean swallows hard, his gaze dropping to your lips for a fraction of a second before darting back up to your eyes.Â
The air between you is highly combustible. All it would take is one lean, one tilt of the head, and years of childhood friendship would go up in flames.Â
Dean slowly leans in, his face inches from yours. You find yourself leaning closer, your eyes fluttering shut, anticipating the slide of his lips against yours.Â
BANG.
The sound of the back door flying open shatters the moment like glass.Â
You and Dean spring apart instantly, your faces flushed, breathing heavily.Â
Logan stands in the doorway, oblivious to the heavy tension he just interrupted. âYo, Di Laurentis! Are we doing the grocery run or what? Weâre out of beer and Y/N probably needs, like, fancy British tea or something.â
Dean closes his eyes, taking a deep, ragged breath. When he opens them, he shoots Logan a look of pure, unadulterated murder.Â
âIâm coming,â Dean snaps, his voice completely strained.Â
Logan blinks, finally sensing the weird vibe. âUh ⊠did I interrupt something?â
âYes,â Dean says bluntly. âGo start the car.â
Logan throws his hands up in surrender and retreats back inside.Â
Dean turns back to you, dragging a hand through his messy blonde hair. He looks incredibly frustrated, but a small, breathless smile tugs at the corner of his lips.Â
âWeâre going to pick up some things for you,â Dean says softly, his eyes dropping to your lips again. âGet settled. Take a nap. Iâll be back soon.â
You nod silently, still trying to get your erratic heartbeat under control. âOkay.â
He hesitates for a second, looking as though he wants to close the distance again, but then he shakes his head and steps back. âLock the door behind me.â
As Dean walks back inside, leaving you alone on the crisp patio, you press your fingers against your lips. They are tingling, buzzing with the phantom feeling of a kiss that never happened.Â
You are hiding from a terrifying political threat, living in a house of hockey players, and you are dangerously close to falling completely, irrevocably in love with the biggest playboy on campus.Â
Welcome to Briar University.
***
It has been exactly three weeks since you moved into the off-campus hockey house, and the entirety of Briar University is operating under the collective, terrifying assumption that Dean Di Laurentis has been abducted by aliens. Or cloned. Or possessed by a very chaste, very domesticated demon.Â
There is simply no other logical explanation.Â
âIâm telling you, itâs not him,â Logan says, his voice hushed but frantic as he peeks around the kitchen doorframe. Heâs staring into the living room, where Dean is currently sitting on the couch. âLook at him. Just look.â
Garrett sighs, leaning against the counter and crossing his massive arms. âHeâs reading a textbook, Logan. Itâs called studying. Normal college students do it.â
âDean doesnât!â Logan hisses, gesturing wildly. âDean pays attention in class just enough to coast, and he spends his free time trying to get horizontal with anything that has a pulse and a nice smile! He hasnât brought a girl home in twenty-one days, Garrett. Twenty-one! Do you know what that means?â
âThat we donât have to bleach the living room rug anymore?â Tucker suggests mildly from his spot at the kitchen island, not looking up from his breakfast.
âIt means his brain has been hijacked,â Logan insists.Â
Beau, who had stopped by to steal their food, chuckles and takes a bite of an apple. âOr, and hear me out, it means his childhood best friend moved in, and heâs realized he has to actually be a functional human being to keep her safe.â
They all fall silent, turning to look back out into the living room.Â
You are sitting on the opposite end of the oversized sectional. You have a thick political science textbook resting on your knees, your brow furrowed in concentration as you highlight a passage. Youâre wearing a pair of soft grey sweatpants â a recent, highly encouraged addition to your wardrobe by the guys â and an oversized Briar hockey hoodie that absolutely swallows your delicate frame. The hoodie belongs to Dean.Â
And Dean? Dean is sitting about a foot away from you, his own textbook open, but he isnât reading. Heâs just watching you. His arm is draped along the back of the sofa, his fingers lightly, almost unconsciously, playing with the frayed end of your hoodie string. His eyes are soft, tracing the line of your profile with a reverence that borders on religious.Â
âItâs freaky,â Logan mutters. âHe went from being a certified campus manwhore to ⊠a golden retriever. A very protective, aggressively loyal golden retriever.â
âHeâs whipped,â Garrett says, though thereâs a fond smile pulling at his lips. âAnd they arenât even dating.â
âYet,â Beau corrects softly. âGive it time. The guy looks at her like she hung the moon and the stars.â
In the living room, you let out a soft sigh, rubbing your eyes. Youâve been studying for three hours straight. The sudden shift from the British educational system to American midterms has been jarring, and the added stress of your security situation hasnât helped your focus.Â
âTired?â Dean asks instantly, his voice a low, soothing rumble.Â
You turn to look at him, offering a small, exhausted smile. âA bit. Rousseau is incredibly dense when youâre running on four hours of sleep.â
Dean frowns, his hand dropping from the hoodie string to gently brush a stray lock of hair out of your eyes. âYou need a break. We have class in an hour anyway. Come on, Iâll make you tea.â
âI can make it,â you protest gently, starting to close your heavy book.Â
âAbsolutely not,â Dean says, already standing up. He reaches down and effortlessly plucks the massive textbook from your lap, tossing it onto the coffee table. âYou sit. I brew. Thatâs the deal.â
As Dean walks into the kitchen, Logan, Garrett, and Beau immediately scatter, trying to look as though they werenât just intensely analyzing his every move. Dean ignores them completely, walking straight to the kettle.Â
You watch him from the couch, your heart doing that familiar, terrifying little flip. The way he treats you is entirely at odds with the reputation that precedes him. Youâve heard the whispers on campus. You know what people say about Dean. You know the girls point and stare, whispering about his conquests. But the man who makes your bed when you forget, who insists on walking you to every single class, who glares at any frat boy who looks at you for too long? That man is careful. He treats you like you are something precious, something made of spun glass that he is terrified of breaking.Â
Ten minutes later, Dean emerges from the kitchen with a travel mug. He hands it to you.Â
You take a sip and close your eyes, a genuine hum of pleasure escaping your lips. âDean ⊠this is Earl Grey. With exactly a splash of oat milk and half a teaspoon of honey.â
âI know,â Dean says, grabbing his backpack and slinging it over one broad shoulder.Â
âHow do you remember that?â You ask, staring up at him in wonder. âI havenât ordered this in front of you since I moved here. Iâve just been drinking whatever drip coffee the guys make.â
Dean pauses, looking down at you. The easy, arrogant smirk he usually wears is nowhere to be found. âI remember everything about you, Y/N. Everything. I didnât forget your favorite tea just because you moved across an ocean.â
Your breath catches. You stare at him, feeling a hot flush rise to your cheeks.Â
âCome on,â Dean murmurs, his voice softening even further. He reaches down, grabbing your heavy tote bag before you can even reach for it. âLetâs go to class. I want a good seat.â
The walk across campus is, as always, an exercise in public scrutiny. Dean walks slightly ahead of you, his large frame parting the sea of students effortlessly. Every time you pass a group of girls, you see the hopeful glances directed his way, followed immediately by total confusion when Dean doesnât even spare them a second glance. His entire focus is tethered to you.Â
When you enter the massive lecture hall for your Political Science seminar, itâs already crowded. Dean immediately zeroes in on two seats near the middle row. He drops your bag onto one chair and his own onto the other, effectively claiming the territory.Â
âHey, Dean,â a high-pitched, bubbly voice calls out.Â
You both turn to see a stunning blonde in a cropped sweater leaning over the row behind you. She flashes Dean a brilliant, practiced smile. âI was hoping youâd be here. Thereâs an empty seat next to me if you want it. We could ⊠share notes.â
You feel a sudden, sharp prickle of insecurity. She is exactly the kind of girl you imagine Dean with â bold, beautiful, and completely uninhibited. You instinctively shrink in on yourself, looking down at your hands. You are so fundamentally different. You are quiet, painfully shy, and the thought of public displays of affection makes you want to spontaneously combust.Â
But Dean doesnât smile back at the blonde. In fact, his expression remains completely blank, almost bored.Â
âIâm sitting with Y/N,â Dean says flatly, leaving absolutely no room for interpretation.Â
âOh,â the girl falters, her smile slipping as she glances at you with thinly veiled disdain. âRight. The ⊠new girl.â
Deanâs jaw ticks. He steps slightly in front of you, a clear, territorial block. âYeah. My girl. Excuse us.â
The words send a dizzying rush of heat straight to your core. You sink into your seat, your face practically burning, as Dean sits down next to you. He casually drapes his arm across the back of your chair, his solid, warm presence a shield against the rest of the room.Â
âYou didnât have to be rude to her,â you whisper, though secretly, you are terribly glad he was.Â
âI wasnât rude,â Dean whispers back, leaning in so close his breath ghosts over your ear. âI was honest. I donât care about her notes. I only care about you.â
You bite your lower lip, trying desperately to suppress the smile fighting its way onto your face. Deanâs eyes track the movement of your teeth on your lip, his pupils dilating slightly, but he quickly forces his gaze away and pulls his notebook out. He is so restrained with you, so careful not to push your boundaries, and it only makes you fall for him harder.
Friday night arrives with the heavy, pulsing bass of a house party.Â
The guys decided to throw a rager to kick off the start of the hockey season. Under normal circumstances, you would have locked yourself in your room with a pair of noise-canceling headphones. But Dean had looked at you with those big, green eyes and promised he would stay by your side the entire night, so here you are.Â
You are standing in the corner of the crowded living room, clutching a red Solo cup filled with ginger ale. You are wearing a high-necked, long-sleeved black dress that hits mid-thigh. Itâs elegant, understated, and completely out of place in the sea of neon crop tops and miniskirts surrounding you.Â
âAre you okay?âÂ
You look up as Dean materializes through the crowd. Heâs wearing a fitted black Henley that highlights every single muscle in his chest and arms, and his hair is perfectly, artfully messy. He looks like pure, unfiltered trouble. But the moment his eyes land on you, the dangerous edge softens.Â
âIâm fine,â you say, though you have to shout slightly over the music. âItâs just ⊠very loud.â
âWe can go upstairs,â Dean offers immediately, stepping closer so he doesnât have to yell. His body acts as a natural barrier, preventing a stumbling frat boy from bumping into you. âWe can lock the door and watch a movie. I donât care about the party.â
You stare at him in disbelief. âDean, this is your house. Your team. You canât just hide upstairs with me. Everyone expects the legendary Dean Di Laurentis to be out here, working the room.â
Dean scoffs, taking a sip from his own cup. âLet them expect whatever they want. Iâve retired.â
âRetired?â You echo, a small laugh escaping you.Â
âYep,â Dean says, leaning against the wall next to you. âHung up my jersey. Iâm a one-woman man now.â
The casual confession makes your breath hitch. He says it so easily, so confidently, but the weight of the words is staggering.Â
Before you can formulate a response, a girl with bright red hair pushes her way through the crowd and practically throws herself at Dean.Â
âDeeeaan,â she purrs, trailing a manicured hand down his bicep. âI havenât seen you all night! We should go to the kitchen and do shots. Or go somewhere ⊠quieter.â
She presses her chest against his arm, shooting a triumphant look at you. Itâs the kind of blatant proposition that the old Dean would have accepted before she even finished her sentence. Youâve heard the stories. You know that more than once, heâs hooked up with girls right here in the living room while a party raged around them.Â
You instinctively take a step back, the familiar, suffocating shyness gripping your throat. You canât compete with this. You donât want to compete with this.Â
But Dean doesnât even blink. He physically steps back, dislodging the redheadâs hand from his arm as if sheâs made of acid.Â
âNot interested, Lexi,â Dean says, his voice devoid of any warmth.Â
âWhat?â Lexi pouts, looking genuinely shocked. âCome on, Dean. Donât be boring. Itâs Friday!â
âI said no,â Dean repeats, his tone dropping into a freezing, commanding register that makes the girl actually flinch. âIâm busy.â
He reaches out, grabbing your hand and pulling you firmly to his side. He intertwines your fingers, holding your hand up slightly so the girl can see it.Â
âIâm with her,â Dean states unequivocally. âHave a good night.â
Lexi stares at your joined hands, then looks up at your flushed face. She huffs in annoyance, turning on her heel and stomping away into the crowd.Â
You look up at Dean, your heart pounding a frantic rhythm against your ribs. âYou really didnât have to do that.â
âYes, I did,â Dean says, looking down at you. His thumb strokes the back of your hand, a grounding, soothing motion. âI told you, Y/N. I donât want anyone else. They donât even register on my radar anymore. Itâs just you.â
âDean âŠâ you breathe, feeling completely overwhelmed by the raw honesty in his eyes.Â
âHey, lovebirds!âÂ
The moment breaks as Tucker and Logan push their way over to your corner. Logan is grinning like a madman, holding two fresh beers.Â
âDi Laurentis,â Logan says, shaking his head. âI just watched you turn down Lexi. The Lexi. Are you feeling okay? Do we need to call a doctor?â
âIâm perfectly fine,â Dean snaps, though he doesnât drop your hand.Â
âHeâs domesticated,â Tucker drawls, leaning against the wall and tipping his cup toward you. âYouâve tamed the beast, Y/N. The whole hockey team is terrified of you.â
You blush furiously, looking down at your shoes. âI havenât done anything.â
âThatâs the crazy part,â Logan laughs. âYou literally just exist, and he acts like a knight in shining armor. Itâs disgusting. I love it. Can I get a hug?â
Logan opens his arms, stepping toward you.Â
Before you can even react, Dean steps directly between you and Logan, pressing a flat hand to his teammateâs chest.Â
âDo not touch her,â Dean growls, half-joking, half-deadly serious.Â
Logan puts his hands up in surrender, laughing harder. âAlright, alright! Guard dog mode activated. I respect it.â
As the guys fall into an easy banter, Dean pulls you slightly closer, tucking you into his side. You lean your head against his shoulder, letting the chaos of the party wash over you. Surrounded by the towering hockey players, anchored by Deanâs warm, protective grip, you feel something you havenât felt since you lived in London.Â
You feel entirely safe.
The next evening is the first official home game of the season.Â
The Briar University arena is packed to the rafters, a sea of black and red violently cheering as the Zamboni finishes clearing the ice. The energy is electric, thick with anticipation and the smell of roasted peanuts and cold air.Â
You are standing outside the home locker room, clutching a plastic cup of overpriced hot chocolate.Â
The door swings open, and Dean steps out.Â
He is fully geared up, massive in his shoulder pads, his Briar jersey stark and imposing. He looks like a gladiator about to step into the Colosseum. But the moment his eyes find you, the ferocious intensity of his game-face melts away, replaced by that soft, devoted smile reserved entirely for you.Â
He walks over, his skates clacking loudly against the rubber floor mats.Â
âHey,â he says, stopping right in front of you.Â
âHey yourself,â you reply softly, looking up at him. âYou look ⊠intimidating.â
Dean chuckles, a low, nervous sound. âGood. Thatâs the point. But I donât want to intimidate you.â
âYou never intimidate me, Dean,â you say truthfully.Â
Dean swallows hard, his eyes dropping to your outfit. You are wearing a simple black turtleneck and jeans. He frowns slightly.Â
âHold on,â Dean says. He reaches back and grabs the hem of his game jersey, pulling it up and over his head in one fluid motion.Â
You gasp, your eyes going wide as he stands there in just his black under-armor shirt, the tight material clinging to every ridge of his abs and chest. âDean! What are you doing?â
âYouâre not wearing my colors,â Dean states simply. He shakes out the massive jersey and holds it out to you. âPut it on.â
âDean, itâs your game jersey,â you protest, your heart doing a wild, frantic dance. âYou need it to play!â
âI have a spare in my locker,â he dismisses easily. âPut it on, Y/N. Please. I want ⊠I want everyone in that arena to know whose side youâre on.â
The intense possessiveness in his voice makes your knees weak. With shaking hands, you hand him your hot chocolate and take the jersey. You pull it over your head. It is ridiculously large on you, the heavy fabric falling almost to your knees, the sleeves swallowing your hands entirely.Â
But across the back, in massive block letters, it reads DI LAURENTIS 66.
You smell like him now â a mix of clean laundry detergent, ice, and that distinct, spicy cologne he wears.Â
Dean stares at you, his chest heaving slightly as he takes in the sight of you swimming in his jersey. His eyes darken, a visceral, primal reaction flashing across his features before he aggressively reels it in.Â
âYeah,â Dean breathes, his voice rough. âThatâs exactly how youâre supposed to look.â
He hands you back your drink and steps closer, reaching out to gently tug on the collar of the jersey. âI have to go to the bench. Beau is saving you a seat three rows behind our box. Itâs next to the glass. Youâll be safe there.â
âIâll be cheering for you,â you promise softly.Â
Dean leans down, and for a terrifying, exhilarating second, you think heâs going to kiss you. But instead, he presses his lips firmly to your forehead, lingering there for a long moment, inhaling your scent.Â
âWatch me, sweetheart,â he whispers against your skin. âIâm going to play for you.â
When you finally take your seat next to Beau in the stands, the entire arena seems to be buzzing. Beau takes one look at the oversized jersey swallowing you whole and bursts out laughing.Â
âOh, he is so gone,â Beau cackles, shaking his head. âIf he plays half as aggressively as heâs acting right now, weâre winning a national championship.â
The puck drops, and the game begins.Â
It is violent, fast-paced, and incredibly stressful. You sit on the edge of your seat, your hands clutched tightly in your lap as you watch the boys crash into the boards.Â
But Dean is a revelation.Â
He skates with a fluid, lethal grace, dodging defenders and making plays that leave the opposing team looking foolish. He is a blur of motion, hyper-focused and ruthless.Â
Midway through the first period, Briar gets a breakaway.Â
Logan intercepts a pass and sends it rocketing up the ice. Dean is there, catching it flawlessly. He tears down the center, the crowd rising to their feet, screaming his name. He fakes left, drops his shoulder, and sends a devastatingly fast wrist-shot right over the goalieâs glove.Â
The red light flashes. The horn blares. The arena completely erupts.Â
You jump to your feet, screaming in delight, your hands flying up in the air.Â
On the ice, Garrett and Logan immediately tackle Dean, shoving him against the glass in celebration. Dean laughs, shaking them off, and skates directly toward the bench.Â
But he doesnât stop at the bench.Â
He skates right up to the glass where you are sitting. The crowd around you goes wild, but Dean doesnât look at them. He looks right at you.Â
He taps his stick against the plexiglass twice, right in front of your face. Then, he presses his gloved hand to his chest, right over his heart, and points directly at you.Â
The gesture is so public, so undeniably romantic, that the entire section of fans surrounding you completely loses their minds. Girls are screaming, Beau is howling with laughter, and you are standing there, wearing his name on your back, feeling completely cherished.
Two hours later, the game is over. Briar has decimated the visiting team 4-1, and the post-game high is practically vibrating through the concrete walls of the arena corridors.Â
You are standing in the secluded hallway just past the locker rooms, waiting. The crowds have mostly filtered out, heading to the inevitable victory parties, but you stayed exactly where Dean told you to wait.Â
The heavy locker room door opens, and the boys start pouring out. They are showered, dressed in their street clothes, and loud.Â
When Dean finally emerges, he looks exhausted but radiant. His hair is damp from the shower, curling slightly at his forehead, and heâs wearing a simple grey t-shirt and jeans. He has a massive sports duffel slung over his shoulder.Â
He spots you leaning against the wall, still drowning in his game jersey, and a slow, exhausted smile spreads across his face. He drops his bag immediately and crosses the hallway in three long strides.Â
âHey,â he breathes out, stopping right in front of you.Â
âHi,â you say, looking up at him with wide, shining eyes. âYou were incredible out there, Dean. Truly.â
âYeah?â He asks, his eyes searching your face, seeking your approval above all else.Â
âThe best on the ice,â you confirm softly.Â
The boys are filtering past you both, offering catcalls and teasing whistles.Â
âGet a room, Di Laurentis!â Logan shouts as he walks by with Tucker.Â
âShut up, Logan!â Dean yells back without breaking eye contact with you.Â
The hallway finally clears, leaving the two of you alone in the quiet, fluorescent-lit corridor. The adrenaline from the game is still humming in the air between you, mixing violently with the unspoken tension that has been building for three weeks.Â
Dean steps closer, invading your personal space. He reaches out, his large hands resting gently on your waist, over the heavy fabric of the jersey.Â
âI meant it,â Dean whispers, his voice dropping an octave. âWhen I pointed to you. That goal was for you, Y/N.â
You look up at him, at the handsome, reckless boy you grew up with who has somehow morphed into this incredible, devoted man. You realize, with a sudden, crystal-clear certainty, that you donât want to be scared anymore. You donât want to hide behind your shyness or your fears of ruining your friendship.Â
âDean,â you whisper.Â
You reach up, your hands slipping out of the oversized sleeves. You place your palms flat against his chest, feeling the heavy, rapid beat of his heart through his t-shirt.Â
Dean completely freezes. His breath catches in his throat. He doesnât move a muscle, terrified that if he does, you will pull away.Â
You rise up on your tiptoes. Dean instinctively tilts his head down, meeting you halfway.Â
You press your lips to his.Â
It is not a hungry, open-mouthed kiss. It is chaste. Soft. Sweet. It is a gentle press of lips, a quiet, tender thank you, a desperate confession of everything you are too afraid to say out loud.Â
It lasts only three seconds.Â
When you pull back, dropping down to your flat feet, you keep your eyes closed for a moment, terrified of his reaction.Â
When you finally open them, you gasp.Â
Dean Di Laurentis â the guy who has quite literally been with half the campus, the guy who knows every sexual maneuver in the book, the guy who thrives on marathon, sweaty, athletic encounters â looks completely devastated.Â
He looks like he has died and gone to heaven.Â
His green eyes are blown wide, his pupils completely dilated. His jaw is slack, his lips slightly parted, pink and damp from your brief touch. His chest is heaving as if he just skated ten periods back-to-back.Â
âY/N,â Dean breathes, the word trembling on his lips.Â
He raises a shaking hand, pressing his fingers to his own mouth, as if he canât quite believe what just happened.Â
âWas that ⊠was that okay?â You whisper, your insecurity suddenly flaring up. âI know it wasnât ⊠I know youâre used to-â
âDonât,â Dean interrupts, his voice cracking slightly. He drops his duffel bag entirely and reaches for you, wrapping both arms around your waist and hauling you flush against his chest.Â
âDonât you dare compare yourself to anyone else,â Dean says fiercely, staring down at you with a reverent, blazing intensity. âThat was ⊠Y/N, that was the best thing that has ever happened to me.â
âIt was just a small kiss,â you murmur, your face burning.Â
âIt was everything,â Dean corrects, his hands gripping your waist tightly. âYouâre everything. God, Iâm so in love with you.â
The words slip out of his mouth before he can stop them, tumbling into the quiet hallway like a grenade.Â
You freeze, your heart slamming against your ribs so hard it hurts. âDean âŠâ
Dean closes his eyes, resting his forehead against yours. He lets out a shaky laugh, a sound of pure relief and surrender.Â
âI know,â he whispers, his breath fanning across your lips. âI know itâs fast, and I know youâre scared, and I know I have a terrible reputation. But Iâm yours, Y/N. I have always been yours. You just had to come back for me to realize it.â
He opens his eyes, looking deep into yours.Â
âYou donât have to say it back,â Dean promises, his thumb stroking your cheekbone. âYou donât have to do anything youâre not ready for. I just needed you to know. Iâm not playing games, sweetheart. Iâm playing for keeps.â
You stare up at the man holding you, feeling the absolute truth in his words. The terrifying world outside â the threats, the politics, the uncertainty â melts away entirely.Â
You rise on your tiptoes again, but this time, Dean doesnât wait. He captures your lips, kissing you with a tender, devastating passion that seals your fate completely.
***
The collective student body of Briar University is, for lack of a better term, completely losing its mind.Â
It has been nearly two months since the legendary, untouchable Dean Di Laurentis officially took himself off the market. Two months since he dragged a beautiful, shy transfer student into his orbit and never let her go. And yet, the novelty of his absolute, unrelenting devotion hasnât worn off. If anything, itâs only become more aggressively apparent.
Itâs a chilly Tuesday afternoon, and the campus coffee shop, The Daily Grind, is packed with students seeking refuge from the biting wind.Â
You and Dean are standing near the pickup counter. You are wearing a cream-colored knit sweater, the sleeves pulled down over your knuckles, your posture as impeccable as ever. Dean is standing practically flush against your back, his large hands resting possessively on your hips. Heâs leaning down, his chin resting near your shoulder, listening intently as you softly explain a concept from your international relations seminar.
A few yards away, sitting at a cramped corner table, Logan and Garrett are nursing their coffees and watching the spectacle.
âI give up,â Logan says, shaking his head. âI literally give up. I donât know who that man is. Heâs an imposter. A body double.â
âHeâs in love,â Garrett corrects, though he looks equally bewildered. âI mean, we knew it was bad, but this is ⊠this is advanced whipped.â
A group of sorority girls at the next table over are openly staring, whispering behind their hands.Â
âDo you remember sophomore year?â One of the girls mutters loud enough for Logan to catch. âWhen he hooked up with those two girls on the literal pool table at a Theta party? He didnât even care who was watching! It was like a spectator sport for him.â
âI know,â her friend replies, eyes wide. âAnd now look at him. He looks like he wants to build a white picket fence right here in the cafe line.â
At the counter, the barista calls out your name. âY/N! London fog latte and a black coffee.â
You step forward to grab the drinks, but a hulking frat boy in a backward cap, rushing to grab his own macchiato, bumps hard into your shoulder.Â
You stumble slightly, letting out a soft, surprised gasp.Â
Instantly, the atmosphere in the coffee shop shifts. Deanâs relaxed posture vanishes. He steps in front of you, his chest broad and imposing, his jaw clenching so hard the muscle feathers dangerously. His green eyes turn to ice as he glares at the frat boy.Â
âHey,â Dean barks, his voice low but carrying across the suddenly quiet shop. âWatch where the hell youâre going.â
The frat boy pales, taking in the sheer size of the angry hockey player. âMy bad, man. I didnât see her.â
âWell, open your eyes, or Iâll wire your jaw shut so you donât have to worry about drinking your little coffee,â Dean threatens, taking a menacing step forward.Â
Before Dean can escalate a simple accident into a full-blown brawl, you move. You reach out, your delicate hands flattening against the solid wall of his chest.Â
âDean,â you murmur, your voice soft, sweet, and perfectly calm.Â
Dean freezes. He looks down at you, his chest heaving under your palms.Â
You offer him a small, placating smile. You slide your hands up his chest, resting them gently on his broad shoulders. Then, ignoring the dozens of eyes fixed on you, you rise up on your tiptoes. You press a soft, lingering kiss to his tense jawline, right over the ticking muscle.Â
âIâm alright,â you whisper softly against his skin. You reach up, gently smoothing down the collar of his flannel shirt. âHe just bumped me, Dean. Let it go. Please?â
The transformation is instantaneous.Â
The murderous rage evaporates from Deanâs eyes. His shoulders drop. He lets out a shaky exhale, his hands coming up to wrap around your waist, pulling you flush against him. He leans his forehead against yours, completely ignoring the terrified frat boy who scurries away.Â
âI know,â Dean breathes, his voice entirely soft, meant only for you. âI just ⊠I hate when people arenât careful with you, sweetheart.â
âYouâre careful enough for the both of us,â you tease gently, your cheeks flushing a pretty, soft pink at the public display, even though it was entirely initiated by you. You give his chest a gentle pat. âNow, carry my tea, please. Itâs dreadfully hot.â
Dean practically melts into a puddle on the floor. âWhatever you want, baby.â
He grabs the tray of drinks, completely docile, and follows you out of the shop like a well-trained puppy.Â
The moment the bell above the door jingles shut behind you, the coffee shop erupts into whispers.Â
âDid you see that?â Logan says, staring blankly at the door. âShe literally just rebooted his operating system with a kiss on the cheek.â
âItâs a superpower,â Garrett murmurs in awe. âSheâs a witch. A beautiful, polite, sort of British witch.â
Later that evening, the off-campus house is blissfully quiet. Garrett and Logan are at the library (allegedly), and Tucker is out on a date.Â
You are in Deanâs bedroom. Or, rather, your shared bedroom. The spare room you initially moved into has slowly become little more than a closet for your clothes, as Dean flat-out refused to sleep in a bed that you werenât occupying.Â
The contrast between the Dean that the campus sees â the fiercely protective, completely obsessed boyfriend â and the Dean behind closed doors is staggering.Â
In public, you are shy, demure, and easily flustered by too much attention. Dean respects that. He shields you, gives you space, and handles the spotlight so you donât have to.Â
But here, in the dim, amber glow of the bedside lamp, with the heavy wooden door locked and the world shut out? Here, Dean worships you. And he systematically, patiently dismantles every ounce of your shyness.Â
You are sitting on the edge of his massive mattress, wearing one of your elegant silk nightgowns. Itâs champagne-colored, modest by most standards, but the way Dean is looking at you makes you feel completely exposed.Â
He is kneeling on the floor between your parted thighs. He hasnât even taken off his jeans yet, though he shed his shirt hours ago. His broad, muscular chest is on full display, his skin golden in the low light.Â
âYouâre blushing,â Dean murmurs, his voice a low, gravelly hum that vibrates straight through to your core.Â
You duck your head, your hands nervously smoothing the silk over your thighs. âYouâre staring at me.â
âIâm admiring,â Dean corrects softly. He reaches up, his large, warm hands wrapping around your ankles. His thumbs slowly, deliberately stroke the delicate skin there. âI canât help it. Youâre the most beautiful thing Iâve ever seen. And I love it when you flush for me, Y/N. I love knowing exactly what it does to you when I look at you.â
Your breath hitches. His words are always so direct, so unapologetically filthy and sweet all at once. He is a master of this â of seduction, of bodies, of pleasure â but he treats you as if you are the very first woman he has ever touched. There is a reverence to him that completely wrecks your defenses.Â
âDean,â you whisper, a soft plea leaving your lips.Â
âLook at me, sweetheart,â he commands gently.Â
You force your eyes up to meet his. His green eyes are dark, completely blown out with desire, but there is an anchor of absolute patience there. He never rushes you. He has spent the last few weeks slowly, meticulously broadening your horizons, taking you further than you ever thought youâd go, and making sure you feel entirely safe the entire time.Â
He slides his hands up your calves, his rough palms sending a shockwave of heat over your skin. He stops at your knees, leaning in to press a soft, open-mouthed kiss to the inside of your right knee.Â
You gasp, your fingers tangling in the thick hair at the nape of his neck.Â
âSo pretty,â he breathes against your skin. He shifts higher, pushing the hem of your silk nightgown up your thighs. âYou get so pink, Y/N. It starts on your cheeks âŠâÂ
He kisses higher up your thigh, his tongue darting out to taste the sensitive skin. You let out a soft whimper, your back arching slightly.Â
â⊠and then it spreads down your neck,â he continues, his hands sliding up to grip your hips securely. âDown your chest. All over your stomach. You blush everywhere for me, donât you, baby?â
âOnly for you,â you manage to gasp out, your heart pounding a frantic rhythm against your ribs.Â
Dean growls, a low, primal sound of satisfaction. He rises up onto his knees, towering over you slightly. He reaches for the thin straps of your nightgown, slipping them slowly off your shoulders.Â
You instinctively cross your arms over your bare chest, that ingrained, polite shyness flaring up even now.Â
Dean gently catches your wrists. He doesnât force them away, but he holds them softly, his thumbs stroking your pulse points.Â
âDonât hide from me,â he whispers, leaning in so his lips are barely a breath away from yours. âI want to see you. I want to worship every single inch of you. Let me see, sweetheart. Let me take care of you.â
His words melt your resistance entirely. You slowly uncross your arms, letting your hands fall to his broad shoulders.Â
The silk nightgown pools around your waist, leaving your top half completely bare to his hungry gaze.Â
Just as he predicted, a deep, beautiful flush of pink spreads rapidly down your neck, blooming across your chest and stomach.Â
Dean lets out a ragged breath. He looks at you as if you are a religious artifact, something holy and miraculous. âGod, youâre perfect. Youâre so fucking perfect.â
He leans in, replacing his intense gaze with his mouth. He kisses the hollow of your throat, his lips hot and demanding. You tip your head back, a soft, breathy moan escaping your lips as his mouth trails lower.Â
He takes his time, kissing the swell of your breasts, the valley between them, worshipping the flushed skin just as he promised. When his mouth finally closes over one sensitive peak, drawing it in and laving it with his tongue, you completely lose your mind.Â
âDean!â You cry out, your hands gripping his shoulders hard, your fingernails digging into his skin.Â
âIâve got you,â he hums against your skin, the vibration sending a fresh wave of electricity straight down to your core. âIâm right here. Just feel it, baby. Let go.â
He is relentless in his devotion. His hands are everywhere, mapping your body, learning exactly what makes you gasp, what makes you arch into his touch. For a man who used to thrive on quick, athletic hookups, Dean is agonizingly slow with you.Â
He pulls away just long enough to shed his jeans and boxers, tossing them carelessly to the floor. When he returns to you, he is fully bare, completely aroused, and radiating heat.Â
He gently pushes you back until you are lying flat on the mattress, your hair fanned out over his pillows. He follows you down, his massive frame hovering over yours, supporting his weight on his forearms so he doesnât crush you.Â
âTell me this is what you want,â Dean says, his voice strained with the immense effort itâs taking to hold himself back. He needs to hear it. He needs your verbal consent, your absolute certainty.Â
âItâs what I want,â you whisper, reaching up to cup his handsome, tense face. âI want you, Dean. Please.â
That is all it takes.Â
Dean shifts his hips, settling himself between your thighs. He reaches down, guiding himself to your entrance. He pauses there, his eyes locked onto yours, searching for any sign of hesitation. When you only nod, your eyes wide and completely trusting, he slowly, steadily pushes inside you.Â
You let out a sharp cry, your eyes fluttering shut as the feeling of him filling you completely takes over. It is overwhelming, intense, and deeply, achingly intimate.Â
Dean freezes, his jaw clenched tight. âY/N? Are you okay? Did I hurt you?â
âNo,â you gasp, opening your eyes. You wrap your arms around his neck, pulling his face down to yours. âNo, Dean, it feels ⊠it feels incredible. Donât stop.â
He lets out a shuddering breath, pressing his forehead against yours. âYouâre so tight, baby. So incredibly sweet. Iâm going to take it slow. I promise.â
And he does. He begins to move, pulling back slowly and pressing in deep, establishing a steady, torturously good rhythm. Every time he hits the back of your slick heat, he presses a kiss to your lips, your jaw, your neck.Â
He murmurs dark, dirty praise into your ear, perfectly contrasting your elegant nature. He tells you how good you feel, how beautiful you look laid out in his bed, how much he loves the sounds you make when he hits that one specific spot.Â
You are completely undone by him. Your shy, reserved exterior is shattered entirely under his careful worship. You are writhing beneath him, your legs wrapped tightly around his waist, matching his rhythm, chasing the blinding pleasure he is feeding you.Â
âDean, please,â you beg, your voice breaking as the pressure builds low in your stomach. âI canât ⊠itâs too much.â
âItâs not too much, sweetheart,â he grunts, his pace quickening, his hips snapping against yours with more force. âYou can take it. Let it happen. Come for me, baby. Just for me.â
The possessive command is the final push you need. You shatter entirely, a high, keening cry escaping your lips as your body goes rigid. The climax rips through you in violent, beautiful waves, your internal muscles clenching tightly around him.Â
Dean groans loudly, his control snapping the second he feels your release. He drives into you a few more times, fast and deep, before burying his face in the crook of your neck and finding his own release with a deep, guttural shout.Â
He collapses against you, his heavy chest heaving, his heart hammering against yours. You hold him tightly, your hands stroking his damp hair, entirely sated and floating in a euphoric haze.Â
Dean eventually rolls to the side, taking his weight off you, but he pulls you tightly against his chest, tucking your head under his chin. He pulls the heavy duvet over both of your bodies, enveloping you in warmth.Â
âGod,â Dean breathes into the quiet room, sounding entirely awestruck. He presses a kiss to the top of your head. âI love you. I love you so damn much, Y/N.â
âI love you too,â you whisper sleepily, pressing a kiss to his bare collarbone. âYouâre wonderful, Dean.â
âOnly with you,â he promises, his arms tightening protectively around you as you drift off to sleep.Â
The next morning, the campus is bustling with the standard Wednesday chaos.Â
Dean is walking you to your 10 AM lecture. Heâs wearing his Briar hockey letterman jacket, looking impossibly large and handsome.Â
You are walking beside him, holding his hand. The contrast from last night is almost comical.Â
You are back in your tailored clothes â a pleated wool skirt, tights, and a high-necked cashmere sweater. Your hair is perfectly styled, and your posture is immaculate. You look every inch the untouchable, elegant diplomatâs daughter.Â
As you walk past the quad, a group of guys from one of the fraternities walk by. One of them, not noticing Dean immediately, lets out a low, appreciative whistle directed at you.Â
âDamn, baby. Looking good,â the guy calls out.Â
Instantly, that furious, shy blush races up your neck and paints your cheeks bright pink. You immediately duck your head, feeling incredibly embarrassed by the crass public attention, and instinctively turn your face in toward Deanâs bicep to hide.Â
Dean wraps a heavy arm around your shoulders, tucking you safely into his side. He shoots the frat boy a look so terrifying, so full of lethal, possessive promise, that the guy practically trips over his own feet trying to hurry away.Â
But as Dean looks down at you, hiding your bright red, blushing face against his jacket, a slow, incredibly smug smile spreads across his lips.Â
Everyone on campus thinks you are a fragile, shy angel who can barely handle a compliment.Â
But Dean knows the truth.Â
He knows what you look like completely undone, blushing that exact same shade of pink while tangled in his bedsheets. He knows the sounds you make, the way you scratch his shoulders, the way you let him broaden your horizons in the dark.Â
The dichotomy is thrilling. It makes his heart race with a fierce, possessive joy. You are this sweet, untouchable, elegant creature to the rest of the world, but behind closed doors, you belong entirely to him.Â
âYou okay, sweetheart?â Dean asks softly, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.Â
âIâm fine,â you mumble against his jacket, still embarrassed. âPeople are so loud here.â
Dean chuckles, a rich, warm sound that vibrates through his chest. He pulls you a little closer, kissing your temple.Â
âDonât worry about them,â he murmurs, his green eyes sparkling with a secret only the two of you share. âThey donât know anything about you. But I do. And I think youâre perfect.â
You peek up at him, seeing the wicked, knowing gleam in his eye, and your blush somehow deepens even further.Â
âYouâre terrible,â you whisper, though a small smile plays on your lips.Â
âIâm the best,â Dean corrects easily, pulling open the door to the lecture hall for you. âAnd you know it.â
You do know it. And as you walk into the classroom, your hand firmly intertwined with the biggest playboy turned most devoted boyfriend in Briar University history, you wouldnât trade him for the world.
***
The late November air bites sharply at your cheeks as you and Dean walk out of the political science building. The Briar University campus is painted in stark shades of grey and deep, dying auburn, the sky threatening an early winter snow.Â
You are bundled in a thick wool coat and a cashmere scarf, your hands buried deep in your pockets. Dean is walking beside you, seemingly impervious to the cold in just a Briar Hockey quarter-zip, though he has your heavy canvas tote bag slung effortlessly over his broad shoulder.Â
âI still think the professor has it out for me,â Dean complains, bumping his shoulder gently against yours as you navigate the crowded sidewalk. âI answered the question perfectly.â
âYou compared the socioeconomic impacts of the Industrial Revolution to the plot of Transformers,â you point out mildly, though a fond smile pulls at your lips. âIt wasnât exactly a perfect academic parallel.â
âItâs about the rise of machines, Y/N,â Dean argues, a wicked, charming grin spreading across his handsome face. âItâs deeply metaphorical. He just doesnât appreciate my genius.â
âOf course,â you say, laughing softly. âThat must be it. Youâre a misunderstood scholar.â
Dean stops walking suddenly, turning to fully face you. He reaches out, pulling your cold hands from your coat pockets and wrapping his large, warm ones around them. He brings your knuckles to his lips, pressing a kiss to the chilled skin right there in the middle of the quad.Â
âI donât care if Iâm a scholar,â he murmurs, his green eyes locking onto yours with that familiar, breath-stealing intensity. âAs long as I get to sit next to you.â
A blush instantly warms your cheeks, combating the winter chill. Itâs been weeks of this â weeks of Dean completely upending his life to revolve around yours, weeks of his fierce protection and tender worship â and you still havenât gotten used to the sheer force of his devotion.Â
âCome on,â Dean says softly, tugging your hands. âLetâs go get lunch. Garrett said he was craving-â
Deanâs words cut off abruptly.Â
You look up, following his line of sight, and your heart skips a sudden, violent beat.Â
Standing near the edge of the courtyard, completely out of place amidst the sea of stressed-out college students in sweatpants, is a man in an immaculate, bespoke navy suit. He is flanked by two very large, very discreet men in dark overcoats who exude a quiet, lethal sort of professionalism.Â
âDad?â You gasp, the word slipping out in absolute shock.Â
Your father turns his head at the sound of your voice. His stern, diplomatâs face instantly softens into a warm, relieved smile.Â
âY/N,â he says, his deep, cultured voice carrying across the pavement.Â
You donât think. You just run. You drop Deanâs hands and sprint across the quad, throwing yourself into your fatherâs open arms. He catches you effortlessly, wrapping his arms tightly around you and pressing a kiss to the top of your head.Â
âDad, what are you doing here?â You ask, your voice muffled against his lapel. âIs everything okay? Are you safe? Is Mom okay?â
âWe are perfectly fine, sweetheart,â your father assures you, pulling back just enough to look at your face, his hands resting on your shoulders. âEverything is fine. In fact, itâs more than fine.â
You blink, confused, as Dean slowly walks up behind you. He is standing a respectful distance away, his posture rigid, his jaw clenched tight. The playful, flirtatious college boy has completely vanished, replaced by a tense, hyper-vigilant protector.Â
âAmbassador Y/L/N,â Dean says, his voice respectful but cautious.Â
Your father looks up, his sharp eyes taking in Deanâs massive frame, the Briar hockey quarter-zip, and the canvas tote bag adorned with your handwriting that Dean is still holding.Â
âDean Di Laurentis,â your father replies, a small, knowing smile touching his lips. âIt has been quite a few years. Youâve grown into a mountain of a young man. How are your parents?â
âTheyâre doing very well, sir. Thank you,â Dean says stiffly.Â
You look between the two of them, the tension crackling in the cold air, before turning back to your father. âDad, please. Tell me whatâs going on. Youâre supposed to be locked down in D.C. Why are you in Massachusetts?â
Your father sighs, a sound of profound, weary relief. He gestures to a nearby stone bench. âLetâs sit down for a moment.â
Dean remains standing, flanking the bench like a bodyguard as you and your father take a seat.Â
âThe threat has been neutralized, Y/N,â your father says quietly, his voice dropping into the serious, commanding tone he uses for state briefings. âCompletely.â
Your breath catches. âNeutralized? How?â
âIt was a joint operation,â your father explains, glancing around the quad to ensure no one is within earshot. âMI6 and the FBI have been tracking the extortion ring for months. The group using you as leverage to manipulate the trade sanctions made a mistake. They tried to move funds through an offshore account that had been flagged. The authorities raided their compound in Zurich two days ago. The key players have all been indicted, and the network has been dismantled.â
You stare at him, your brain struggling to process the magnitude of his words. For the past two months, you have lived with a persistent, low-grade terror thrumming in your veins. You had accepted that your life would never look the same, that you would always be looking over your shoulder.Â
âAre you absolutely sure?â You whisper, your voice trembling. âTheyâre gone?â
âThey are gone,â your father confirms firmly, covering your hand with his. âThe Director of Intelligence personally assured me this morning. You are no longer a target, my darling. The danger has passed.â
A wave of dizzying relief washes over you. You slump forward slightly, tears of sheer release pricking the corners of your eyes. Your father wraps an arm around you, holding you close as you let out a shaky sob.Â
Above you, Dean lets out a long, ragged exhale. The rigid tension bleeding from his broad shoulders is almost palpable.Â
âThank God,â Dean breathes, running a hand through his blonde hair. âThank God.â
âIndeed,â your father says. He reaches into his suit jacket and pulls out a crisp, white envelope, handing it to you. âWhich brings me to the secondary reason for my visit.â
You sniffle, wiping your eyes carefully as you take the envelope. It bears the official crest of Oxford University.Â
âI spoke with the Dean of your college at Oxford yesterday,â your father continues, his tone gentle. âThey understand the extenuating circumstances of your sudden departure. They have held your spot, Y/N. Your transfer credits from Briar will apply. You are entirely free to return to England and resume your studies next semester, just as you planned.â
The words hang in the freezing air, heavy and catastrophic.Â
Behind you, Dean stops breathing entirely.Â
The color drains rapidly from Deanâs face. His heart, which had just been soaring with relief for your safety, suddenly plummets straight into his stomach, crashing violently against the cold dread pooling there.Â
Return to England. Resume her studies. Leave Briar.Â
Leave him.
Dean feels physically ill. Itâs only been a month and a half. He has only had you back in his life for a fraction of a semester, but in that time, you have become the absolute center of his universe. You are the air he breathes, the reason he wakes up in the morning, the only thing that makes this chaotic, loud world make sense. The thought of you packing your bags, getting on a plane, and crossing an ocean again feels like a physical blow to his chest.Â
He remembers the ache of losing you when you were both fourteen. He remembers how quiet his house felt, how empty his days were without his best friend. But this? Losing you now, after he has tasted your lips, after he has held you in his bed, after he has realized that his soul is irreversibly tied to yours?Â
It will break him. He knows, with absolute, terrifying certainty, that if you leave, he will not recover.Â
Dean instinctively takes a half-step backward, the physical manifestation of his emotional retreat. His hand, which had been resting on the back of the stone bench near your shoulder, drops to his side. He stares at the ground, his jaw locked so tight his teeth ache, preparing himself for the inevitable. You belong at Oxford. You belong in grand libraries and ancient halls, not in a messy hockey house with a guy who barely scrapes by in political science.Â
You look down at the heavy, embossed envelope in your lap.Â
Oxford. It was your dream. You had worked tirelessly to get in. You had friends there, a life there, a clear, pristine path laid out for your future in diplomacy. Returning is the logical, smart, expected thing to do.Â
You look up at your father, seeing the quiet expectation in his eyes.Â
Then, you turn your head to look at Dean.Â
He wonât meet your gaze. He is staring fiercely at the concrete, his broad shoulders hunched as if bracing for an impact. You see the subtle tremor in his clenched jaw, the absolute devastation radiating from his rigid posture. He has already convinced himself that you are leaving. He is already letting you go, because that is the kind of man he is â he would tear his own heart out before he ever held you back from something you wanted.Â
A fierce, protective warmth blooms in your chest.Â
You donât want Oxford. Not anymore. The ancient halls and polite, intellectual debates suddenly seem terribly cold and lonely compared to the chaotic, vibrant, fiercely loyal life youâve found here. You donât want a life without Garrett stealing your snacks, without Loganâs terrible jokes, without Tuckerâs quiet drawl.Â
And, most importantly, you absolutely refuse to exist in a world where you donât wake up next to Dean Di Laurentis every single morning.Â
You slide the envelope back across the bench toward your father.Â
âNo, thank you,â you say softly, but your voice is remarkably steady.Â
Deanâs head snaps up so fast youâre surprised he doesnât pull a muscle. He stares at you, his green eyes wide, raw shock and desperate hope colliding in his expression.Â
Your father arches a dark eyebrow. âNo? Y/N, you loved Oxford. It is one of the premier institutions in the world for your field.â
âIt is,â you agree, reaching out to gently lay your hand over the envelope. âAnd I am grateful they held my spot. But I donât want to go back to England, Dad. I want to stay here. At Briar.â
âBriar is an excellent school,â your father acknowledges smoothly, ever the diplomat. âBut it is a significant shift in your trajectory. Are you certain this isnât a reaction to the trauma of the past few months? Now that the threat is gone, you donât need to hide anymore.â
âIâm not hiding,â you say firmly. You stand up from the bench, stepping closer to Dean. You reach out, your delicate fingers sliding into his large, calloused hand. Dean gasps softly, a quiet, broken sound, and immediately crushes your hand in his, holding on as if you are a lifeline.Â
You look up at Dean, offering him a smile so full of love and absolute certainty that the last lingering remnants of his panic melt away.Â
You turn back to your father, your hand firmly anchored in Deanâs. âIâm not hiding, Dad. Iâve built a life here. I have friends here. Iâm happy here. Really, truly happy. I want to stay.â
Your father looks at your joined hands. He looks at the way Dean is looking down at you â as if you are the sun and he has spent his entire life in the dark. The Ambassador has spent his career reading people, analyzing motives, and deciphering unsaid truths. It takes him less than five seconds to understand exactly what is happening in front of him.Â
A slow, genuine smile breaks across your fatherâs stern face.Â
âVery well,â your father says, standing up and smoothing the front of his suit jacket. âIt is your life, Y/N, and your education. If Briar is where you wish to remain, I will not attempt to convince you otherwise. I trust your judgment.â
You let out a massive sigh of relief, your shoulders dropping. âThank you, Dad.â
âDonât thank me yet,â your father says, his eyes shifting to Dean. âMy driver is waiting by the main gates. I have reservations at Ostra in Boston for lunch. You are both joining me.â
It isnât a request.Â
Dean swallows hard, his Adamâs apple bobbing. âYes, sir.â
The drive to Boston is quiet, insulated by the tinted windows and plush leather of your fatherâs town car. You sit in the middle of the spacious backseat, your father on your right, and Dean on your left. Dean hasnât let go of your hand since the courtyard. His thumb traces anxious, rhythmic circles into your palm, betraying the calm, stoic mask he is trying desperately to maintain.Â
Ostra is exactly the kind of restaurant your father frequents â impeccably designed, quietly opulent, and smelling of expensive wine and Mediterranean seafood. The maitre dâ immediately ushers the three of you to a private, secluded booth in the back.Â
As the waiter pours sparkling water and takes their drink orders, Dean is practically vibrating with tension.Â
He knows how this goes. He isnât stupid. He is the guy with a notorious campus reputation who has suddenly shacked up with the Ambassadorâs sheltered, brilliant daughter. He has been waiting for the shovel talk since the day you moved into the hockey house. He is entirely prepared to take it. He is prepared to sit here and let your father threaten him, dissect his character, and warn him of dire consequences if he ever breaks your heart.Â
Dean will agree to all of it, because heâd sooner die than hurt you.Â
âSo, Dean,â your father starts once the waiter retreats, resting his forearms on the white tablecloth. âPolitical Science. A slight departure from your parentsâ corporate law background.â
âYes, sir,â Dean says, sitting incredibly straight. âI plan to go to law school after graduation, but I wanted a broader undergraduate foundation. And ⊠hockey takes up a significant amount of my time.â
âAh, yes. The Briar hockey program,â your father nods slowly. âYour mother mentioned you were a standout player. Any plans to pursue it professionally?â
âI have options,â Dean answers honestly, his voice steady despite his nerves. âIâve had some interest from scouts, but my priority right now is finishing my degree. And making sure Y/N is situated.â
Your father takes a slow sip of his water, his sharp eyes pinning Dean to the plush leather of the booth.Â
âSpeaking of Y/N,â your father says softly, the diplomatic polish stripping away to reveal the protective father underneath. âShe has been staying with you and your teammates at an off-campus residence.â
Dean stiffens. âYes, sir. When she first arrived, the dorms lacked the necessary security parameters. My housemates and I decided it was safer for her to be with us. We have a spare room.â
Itâs a half-truth. You havenât slept in that spare room in weeks, but Dean isnât about to volunteer that information over the bread basket.Â
âI appreciate your hospitality,â your father says smoothly. He sets his glass down. âI also appreciate that you have taken it upon yourself to act as her personal shadow. My security detail informed me that you walk her to every class, you sit beside her in the library, and you havenât attended a single social event without her on your arm.â
Deanâs jaw clenches. He doesnât apologize. He looks your father dead in the eye. âShe was threatened, sir. I wasnât going to let her out of my sight. Not when I had the means to protect her.â
You reach under the table, resting your hand gently on Deanâs rigid thigh, a silent gesture of support. Deanâs hand immediately covers yours, gripping your fingers tightly.Â
âSir,â Dean continues, his voice dropping into a serious, unwavering register. âI know what this looks like. I know youâre probably aware of ⊠certain aspects of my reputation before Y/N transferred here. And I know you probably brought me here to give me the warning I absolutely deserve. I am completely ready to hear it. But you need to know that I love her. I love your daughter more than anything in this world, and my only priority is her happiness and her safety. You can threaten me all you want, but I am not going anywhere.â
You stare at Dean, your heart swelling with so much love you think it might genuinely burst. You look at your father, ready to defend Dean, ready to tell your dad that Dean is the best thing that has ever happened to you.Â
But your father doesnât look angry.Â
Instead, a soft, incredibly fond smile touches his lips. He leans back in the booth, looking at Dean with an expression of profound respect.Â
âDean,â your father says gently. âI did not bring you here to threaten you.â
Dean blinks, completely thrown off guard. âYou didnât?â
âNo,â your father chuckles quietly. âMy entire career is built on assessing character, gathering intelligence, and understanding the truth of a situation before I enter the room. I know exactly what your reputation on this campus was. And I know exactly how drastically it changed the moment my daughter set foot in Massachusetts.â
Your father folds his hands on the table, his expression turning entirely earnest.Â
âYou think I donât know the boy sitting across from me?â Your father asks softly. âI have known you since you were in grade school. I have watched you grow up alongside my daughter.â
Your father pauses, his eyes softening as he looks into the past. âDo you remember the summer you were both twelve? Y/N had convinced you to take one of the small sailing dinghies out onto the Long Island Sound, despite the small craft advisory.â
Dean exhales a shaky breath, the memory hitting him instantly. âI remember.â
You look down, blushing slightly. âThat was entirely my fault. I wanted to see the lighthouse up close.â
âA sudden squall rolled in,â your father recounts, his voice thick with remembered fear. âThe wind picked up, and the boat capsized. The Coast Guard was dispatched, but it took them nearly an hour to locate you in the chop.â
Your father looks directly at Dean. âWhen they finally pulled you both out of the water, Y/Nâs life vest was gone. The clasp had broken when the boom swung around. But she wasnât under the water. You had given her your life vest, Dean. You spent an hour treading water in freezing temperatures, holding her up above the waves, completely risking your own life to ensure she didnât drown. You were hospitalized for hypothermia, and you refused to let the doctors treat you until you saw with your own eyes that Y/N was unharmed.â
Dean looks down at the table, his cheeks flushing a dull red. âShe couldnât swim as well as I could. I wasnât going to let her sink.â
âI know,â your father says quietly. âThat is my point, Dean. When the threats against my family escalated in London, my first thought was terrifying panic. My second thought was finding a safe harbor for her. The government suggested several secure locations. But when my wife mentioned that Briar University was an option â that you were at Briar â I signed the transfer papers immediately.â
Deanâs head snaps up, absolute shock written across his features. âYou ⊠you sent her to Briar because of me?â
âI sent her to Briar because I knew that if you were there, no one on this earth would be able to touch her,â your father states with absolute, unwavering conviction. âI knew the boy who gave up his life vest in the freezing Sound had grown into a man who would do whatever it took to keep her safe. I donât need to give you a shovel talk, Dean. You are perhaps the only man on earth I trust implicitly with my daughterâs heart, and her life.â
The silence in the opulent restaurant booth is deafening.Â
Dean stares at the Ambassador, his green eyes shining with unshed emotion. The heavy, suffocating weight of guilt he has carried about his past, the fear that he wasnât good enough for you, is completely decimated by your fatherâs words.Â
Dean swallows hard, his jaw working as he struggles to find his voice. He looks at you, his eyes blazing with a fierce, watery devotion, before turning back to your father.Â
âThank you, sir,â Dean says, his voice thick and rough. âI wonât let you down. I swear to God, I will never let her down.â
âI know you wonât, son,â your father smiles warmly, picking up his menu. âNow, I am told the sea bass here is excellent. And I believe we have a celebration in order. My daughter is safe, she is staying in America, and she is in excellent hands.â
Under the table, you squeeze Deanâs hand, leaning over to rest your head gently against his broad shoulder. Dean presses a kiss to your hair, his entire body radiating a profound, beautiful peace.Â
He didnât just get to keep the love of his life today.Â
He finally realized he was worthy of her.
***
Spring break at Briar University usually means packed beaches in Cabo, cheap tequila, and a week of terrible decisions.Â
But Dean Di Laurentis doesnât do anything by the standard playbook anymore.Â
When you had offhandedly mentioned over a midnight study session that you missed the rainy, historic charm of England and the specific scones from a little bakery near your old flat, you hadnât expected anything to come of it. You were simply feeling a bout of homesickness.Â
Two days later, Dean had dropped two first-class tickets to Heathrow onto your textbook.Â
Now, you are walking hand-in-hand down the ancient, cobblestone streets of Oxford, bundled in a sleek wool coat to ward off the crisp March chill.Â
The trip has been nothing short of a fairy tale. Dean had rented a massive suite in London for three days, taking you to the West End, indulging in high tea, and buying you more luxury clothes than you could ever fit in your suitcase. Then, he had whisked you away to the Cotswolds, renting a secluded, romantic stone cottage with a thatched roof and a roaring fireplace. You had spent three days snowed in, wrapped in thick blankets, drinking hot cider, and letting Dean absolutely worship every inch of you in front of the hearth.Â
But Oxford is different. Oxford is your past.Â
âSo, this is it,â Dean says, his head tipped back as he looks up at the towering, magnificent dome of the Radcliffe Camera. âThe legendary stomping grounds. I have to admit, sweetheart, itâs pretty spectacular. Makes Briar look like a strip mall.â
You laugh, squeezing his large hand. âBriar has its own charm. But yes, Oxford is ⊠itâs special. I spent hours reading in that library. I used to sit on that wall right over there and debate international policy until the sun went down.â
Dean looks down at you, his green eyes entirely soft, crinkling at the corners. He is wearing a long, tailored black overcoat over a dark turtleneck, looking so impossibly handsome and devastatingly striking that people have been turning their heads to stare at him all morning.Â
âShow me,â Dean murmurs, pulling you flush against his side and pressing a warm kiss to your temple. âShow me everything. I want to see where you lived, where you drank, where you bought those scones you wouldnât stop talking about.â
âYou bought me five dozen scones yesterday, Dean. I think Iâm set for life,â you tease, leaning your head against his broad shoulder.Â
âIâm a provider,â he counters smoothly, flashing that wicked, brilliant grin. âItâs in my nature.â
You lead him through the winding, historic streets, pointing out your favorite pubs and the quiet little courtyards hidden behind massive iron gates. Dean listens to every word you say with absolute attention. He asks questions, he remembers the names of your old professors, and he looks at you with a devotion so fierce it makes your chest ache in the best possible way.Â
âAnd this,â you say, stopping in front of a rustic, wood-paneled pub with hanging flower baskets, âis The Turf Tavern. Itâs practically a requirement to get a pint here. Shall we?â
âLead the way,â Dean says, reaching past you to push the heavy oak door open.Â
The pub is crowded, smelling of ale, fried fish, and damp wool. You navigate through the low-ceilinged room, Dean keeping a protective hand resting securely on the small of your back. You manage to find a tiny, secluded booth near the back.Â
Dean goes to the bar to order two pints and a plate of chips. You sit at the booth, pulling your scarf off and feeling a profound sense of contentment wash over you. You are back in the city you love, but you are here with the man who holds your entire heart. It is the perfect collision of your two worlds.Â
âY/N? Is that you?â
The crisp, highly polished, and painfully familiar British accent cuts through the low din of the pub.Â
You freeze. Your blood turns to ice water in your veins.Â
You turn your head slowly. Standing a few feet away, holding a half-empty pint glass and wearing a perfectly tailored tweed blazer, is Edward.Â
Edward, the Viscount of Scunthorpe. The aristocratic, impossibly snobby ex-boyfriend you had dated during your time at Oxford. The man who had treated you more like a shiny, diplomatic accessory than a human being.Â
âEdward,â you say, your voice tight. You force a polite, entirely fake smile onto your face. âHello.â
Edward steps closer, his gaze sweeping over you with an uncomfortable familiarity. âI had heard a rumor you fled back to the States. Something about your father and a political scandal? What a dreadful business. You look well, though. A bit ⊠domestic, perhaps, but well.â
His backhanded compliment grates on your nerves. You immediately shrink back into the booth, your ingrained, polite shyness warring with your immense annoyance. âI didnât flee, Edward. I transferred. And Iâm doing perfectly fine.â
âOf course you are, darling,â Edward smirks, taking another step forward. He reaches out, aiming to lazily tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. âThough I must say, Oxford has been terribly dull without-â
A massive, calloused hand suddenly intercepts Edwardâs wrist mid-air.Â
The grip is visibly bone-crushing.Â
Edward gasps, his eyes blowing wide as he looks to his right.Â
Dean is standing there. He holds two pints of beer effortlessly in his left hand, while his right hand is locked around Edwardâs wrist like a steel vice. Deanâs expression is completely blank, but his green eyes are practically glowing with lethal, frozen rage.Â
âDonât touch her,â Dean says. His voice is dangerously low, a soft, gravelly threat that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up.Â
Edward tries to yank his arm back, but Dean doesnât budge an inch. âI beg your pardon?â Edward sputters, his face turning an undignified shade of red. âWho the hell do you think you are?â
Dean slowly, deliberately releases Edwardâs wrist, shoving the manâs arm back toward his chest with just enough force to make Edward stumble back a step.Â
Dean sets the pints down on the table. He doesnât sit. He turns, placing himself entirely between you and Edward, shielding you from the Viscountâs sightline.Â
âIâm the guy who is going to break your hand if you reach for my girlfriend again,â Dean answers smoothly, his tone conversational, though the threat is violently real. âIâm Dean.â
Edward scoffs, rubbing his wrist, though he wisely takes another step back from the towering, broad-shouldered American athlete. âYour girlfriend. I see. Y/N, really? You traded me for a ⊠what are you, a footballer? A rugby brute?â
âIce hockey,â you say clearly, finding your voice. You slide out of the booth, stepping up to stand right beside Dean. You wrap your arms around Deanâs bicep, pressing yourself against his side. âAnd I didnât trade you for anyone, Edward. We broke up because you were entirely insufferable.â
Dean looks down at you, the lethal ice in his eyes melting instantly into a look of absolute, smug adoration. He wraps a heavy arm around your waist, pulling you flush against his side.Â
Edward sneers, looking Dean up and down with blatant aristocratic disdain. âIce hockey. How terribly colonial. Tell me, Dean, do you actually know how to read, or do you just hit things with a stick for a living? Iâm surprised you can even keep up with a conversation here at Oxford.â
Dean doesnât get angry. He doesnât raise his voice. Instead, he laughs. Itâs a dark, rich, incredibly condescending laugh that completely catches Edward off guard.Â
âYou know, Edward,â Dean says, leaning forward slightly, using his height to completely dwarf the other man. âYou talk a lot for a guy whose family wealth is currently tied up in the failing agriculture sector because your father completely botched his investments in the post-Brexit trade agreements. From a socioeconomic standpoint, youâre practically a peasant in a nice jacket.â
Edwardâs jaw actually drops. The color drains from his face.Â
You stare at Dean, absolutely floored.Â
Dean continues, his voice dripping with terrifying charm. âI study political science and corporate law, Edward. My parents are two of the most ruthless litigators on the East Coast. So, if you want to debate international trade laws or intellectual property, we can. But right now, Iâm on vacation with the woman I love, and you are boring me to death.â
Edward opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. He looks completely, utterly defeated, stripped of his aristocratic armor by a guy who he assumed was nothing but muscle.Â
Dean doesnât give him a chance to recover.Â
He turns to you, completely ignoring Edwardâs existence. âYou ready to get out of here, sweetheart? The air in here suddenly feels incredibly cheap.â
âYes,â you whisper, your heart doing frantic, somersaulting leaps in your chest. âTake me back to the hotel.â
Dean smirks. Right there, in the middle of the crowded pub, with your ex-boyfriend standing three feet away, Dean reaches up and cups your face. He tilts your head back and crushes his lips to yours.Â
It is a claiming, devastating, incredibly filthy kiss. His tongue sweeps into your mouth, tasting you, devouring you, staking a completely undeniable claim. He kisses you until you are breathless, until your knees go weak and you have to grip his coat lapels to stay standing.Â
When he finally pulls back, you are thoroughly flushed, your lips swollen and wet.Â
Dean turns his head slightly, shooting Edward a look of pure, dominant victory.Â
âHave a nice life, Eddie,â Dean deadpans.Â
He grabs your hand, lacing your fingers together, and leads you out of the pub, leaving the Viscount standing completely humiliated in the dust.Â
The walk back to the Randolph Hotel is a blur.Â
You are practically vibrating with adrenaline. You had never seen Dean like that. You had seen him protective, yes, but the way he had verbally dismantled Edward without even raising his voice, the way he had claimed you so thoroughly in public â it sent a rush of intense, liquid heat straight to your core.Â
The moment the heavy, oak door of your luxurious hotel suite clicks shut behind you, the calm, collected facade Dean had maintained completely shatters.Â
Dean spins around, grabbing you by the hips and backing you forcefully against the heavy door.Â
You let out a soft gasp as your back hits the wood.Â
âDarling?â Dean snarls, his voice dropping into a dark, guttural growl that sends a violent shiver down your spine. âHe called you darling?â
âDean-â you start, but he cuts you off, his mouth crashing down onto yours.Â
There is no slow, patient worship this time. This is feral. This is possessive. He kisses you with a desperate, consuming hunger, his tongue pushing past your lips to conquer your mouth. He tastes like ale and dark desire.Â
You moan softly into his mouth, your arms instantly coming up to wrap around his neck. You kiss him back with matching ferocity, your fingers tangling in the thick hair at the nape of his neck.Â
Deanâs large hands tear at your wool coat, practically ripping it off your shoulders and tossing it to the floor. His hands roam over the thin silk of your blouse, his palms hot and heavy.Â
âTell me whose you are,â Dean demands, pulling back just a fraction of an inch, his chest heaving against yours. His green eyes are black with lust, wild and completely untamed. âTell me, Y/N.â
âYours,â you gasp, your eyes fluttering shut as he trails open-mouthed, biting kisses down the column of your neck. âIâm only yours, Dean. Nobody elseâs.â
âFucking right youâre mine,â he groans against your skin. He sucks a hard, bruising mark into the sensitive spot right above your collarbone, making sure to leave a physical reminder of exactly who you belong to.Â
You cry out, arching your back off the door to press your chest flush against his.Â
Dean grabs the back of your thighs and lifts you effortlessly. You instinctively wrap your legs around his waist, crossing your ankles behind his back. He carries you across the luxurious suite, your back never leaving his chest, and drops you onto the center of the massive, king-sized bed.Â
You bounce slightly on the plush mattress, looking up at him through heavy, hooded eyes.Â
Dean strips off his overcoat and his turtleneck in one fluid, aggressive motion. He stands beside the bed, his golden, impossibly muscular chest heaving. He reaches for the buckle of his belt, his eyes fixed on you like a predator watching its prey.Â
âDid he ever touch you like this?â Dean asks, his voice tight with lingering jealousy. He reaches down, grabbing your ankles and dragging you down the mattress until your hips are right at the edge of the bed.Â
âNo,â you whisper, shaking your head frantically. âGod, no, Dean. Never. It was never like this. Itâs only you.â
Dean lets out a harsh, satisfied breath. He kneels between your parted thighs. His hands make quick work of your blouse, popping the buttons and tossing it aside, followed quickly by your bra and skirt.Â
In seconds, you are completely bare to him, flushed a deep, beautiful pink from your chest down to your thighs, completely exposed to his heated gaze.Â
âYouâre so beautiful,â Dean murmurs, the feral edge softening into pure, intense worship. âYou make me absolutely crazy, sweetheart.â
He leans forward, pressing his mouth to the valley between your breasts, before trailing wet, hot kisses down your stomach. You writhe beneath him, your hands gripping the high thread-count sheets on either side of your head.Â
Deanâs hands slide up the inside of your thighs, pushing them wider apart. He settles himself fully between your legs, his hot breath fanning over your sensitive core.Â
âDean, please,â you beg, your voice a high, sweet whimper. You are already aching, already so incredibly slick and ready for him.Â
âIâve got you, baby,â Dean hums.Â
He lowers his head and takes you into his mouth.Â
You scream his name, your back arching violently off the mattress. His tongue is relentless, swirling and flicking exactly where you need it, while his large fingers slide effortlessly inside your slick, wet heat. He mimics the rhythm of sex, pumping his fingers deep inside you while his mouth devours you, driving you completely out of your mind.Â
âThatâs it,â Dean praises darkly between wet, sloppy kisses against your core. âLet go for me. Show me how much you want it.â
You canât hold back. The intense, overwhelming pleasure builds too fast, shattering through your body in a blinding wave. You climax hard against his mouth, your internal muscles clenching tight around his fingers, a sobbing moan tearing from your throat.Â
Dean doesnât give you a moment to recover.Â
He rises up, his own need completely overriding his patience. He shoves his jeans and boxers down his hips, freeing his aching, heavy arousal.Â
He grips your hips, his thumbs pressing into your hip bones, and aligns himself with your entrance. He looks down at you, his eyes blazing, a muscle ticking in his strong jaw.Â
âLook at me,â Dean commands softly.Â
You open your eyes, tears of pure pleasure pricking the corners, and meet his intense gaze.Â
âI love you,â Dean says, the words a fierce, unbreakable vow.Â
He drives his hips forward, burying himself completely inside you in one long, deep thrust.Â
You cry out, the feeling of him stretching you, filling you so completely, sending a fresh wave of electricity straight to your brain. You wrap your legs tighter around his waist, locking him flush against you.Â
Dean begins to move. He sets a punishing, desperate pace, pulling almost completely out before slamming his hips forward, driving deep into your tight, wet heat. The sound of his skin slapping against yours echoes loudly in the quiet hotel room.Â
âDean!â You cry, your fingernails digging into his broad shoulders, leaving half-moon indentations in his golden skin.Â
âYou feel so fucking good,â Dean groans, his teeth gritted. âSo tight. Youâre mine, Y/N. Tell me youâre mine.â
âIâm yours,â you sob out, completely lost in the overwhelming sensation of him. âAlways yours. Oh god, please, harder.â
Dean complies instantly. He adjusts his grip, hooking his arms under your knees and pulling your legs all the way back against his chest, opening you up completely. He thrusts deeper, hitting a spot that makes you see stars.Â
You are a chaotic mess of flushed skin, tangled hair, and breathless moans. Every time he hits that spot, you shatter a little more. You are entirely consumed by him, by his heat, his scent, his overwhelming, possessive love.Â
âIâm close,â Dean grits out, his pace turning frantic, his thrusts losing all coordination as the pleasure takes over. âBaby, Iâm right there.â
âCome for me,â you beg, your own body tightening, ready to fall over the edge again. âDean, please.â
Dean lets out a deep, guttural roar. He drives into you three more times, as deep as he possibly can, before his body goes entirely rigid. He clenches his jaw, his eyes squeezing shut as he pours his release into you, his hips locked flush against yours.Â
The feeling of him finishing deep inside you pushes you over the edge, your own body convulsing around him as you climax for a second time, calling out his name like a prayer.Â
For a long time, the only sound in the luxurious hotel suite is the harsh, ragged breathing of two entirely exhausted people.Â
Dean eventually collapses forward, his heavy chest resting fully against yours, his face buried in the crook of your neck. He is covered in a light sheen of sweat, his heart hammering a violent rhythm against your own.Â
You wrap your arms around his broad back, holding him tightly, your fingers lazily tracing the deep ridges of his spine. You feel entirely boneless, floating in a euphoric, hazy afterglow.Â
Slowly, gently, Dean rolls to the side, taking his heavy weight off you but immediately pulling you flush against his side. He reaches down and pulls the thick, white hotel duvet up over your bare bodies, cocooning you in warmth.Â
He presses a soft, lingering kiss to your bare shoulder, his thumb gently stroking the curve of your waist.Â
âIâm sorry I lost my temper,â Dean murmurs into the quiet room, his voice raspy. âI just ⊠seeing him look at you like that. Thinking about him touching you. I saw red, Y/N.â
âYou didnât lose your temper,â you reply softly, turning your head to press a kiss to his chest. âYou were completely calm. Terrifyingly calm, actually. I think you might have broken his spirit.â
Dean chuckles softly, the sound vibrating through you. âGood. He was a prick. And he didnât deserve you.â
âNo,â you agree, looking up into his warm, green eyes. âHe didnât. But you do.â
Deanâs breath catches. He reaches up, gently brushing a tangled lock of hair out of your face, his fingers lingering on your cheek.Â
âI meant what I said,â Dean whispers, all the playful arrogance stripped away, leaving only the raw, honest truth of the man who has loved you since you were children. âIâm your future, sweetheart. I know weâre young, and I know we have our whole lives ahead of us. But I am not doing any of it without you.â
Tears prick your eyes again, but this time they are tears of absolute, profound joy.Â
âIâm not going anywhere, Dean,â you promise him, sliding your hand up to cup his handsome face. âI love you. I love you more than anything.â
Dean leans down, capturing your lips in a slow, impossibly tender kiss. It is a promise, a vow, a sealing of a fate that had been written in the stars the moment you built your first terribly constructed fort in his backyard in Greenwich.Â
He pulls back slightly, resting his forehead against yours, a stunning, radiant smile breaking across his face.Â
âSo,â Dean murmurs, a hint of his signature, charming arrogance slipping back into his tone. âSince I successfully defended your honor against a British Lord, do I get to be a knight now? Is that how it works here?â
You laugh, the sound bright and clear, echoing perfectly in the quiet room.Â
âYouâre already my knight in shining armor, Dean Di Laurentis,â you tease, pressing a final kiss to his jaw. âNow, shut up and hold me.â
âAs you wish, sweetheart,â Dean replies smoothly, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you impossibly closer.Â
As you lie there in his arms, thousands of miles from the Briar hockey house, looking out the window at the ancient spires of Oxford, you realize you have never felt more at home.Â
You had crossed an ocean to escape your past, but in the end, it was your past that had caught you, held you safe, and given you the most beautiful, chaotic, perfect future you could ever ask for.
summary: dean will do anything to win you back, but winning you over proves harder than why he bargained for. (5.9k)
pairing: dean di laurentis x reader
content warning: relationship dysfunction, dean di laurentis is a mess, yearning, jealousy, language, alcohol, hurt/comfort.
authors note: this is for everyone who wanted to see how taking him back would play out. this may be the longest piece iâve wrote on record but i couldnât let this man get off so easilyâŠ
part one.
the tail-lights of suni's honda civic bled into the darkness of the gravel driveway, leaving nothing behind but the exhaust fumes and a hollow, ringing silence.
dean stood frozen under the dim glow of the porch light, his hand still half-raised in the air as if he could somehow catch the car and pull it back.
the cold night air slapped against his face, a brutal contrast to the suffocating heat of the house behind him, but he couldn't feel it.
his mouth was slightly open and his throat was completely dry.
i am officially withdrawing my terms.
the words repeated in his head, sharp and clinical, cutting right through the lingering buzz of the alcohol in his system.
dean di laurentis didn't get left hanging on driveways.
dean di laurentis didn't get tongue-tied.
he was the guy who always had the perfect pivot, the effortless laugh, the smooth reassurance that smoothed over any wrinkle.
but as he stared at the empty space where you had just been standing, a sickening wave of realization crashed over him.
he hadn't been playing a game.
you had just seen right through the defense mechanism he had been using his entire life.
the heavy front door thudded open behind him, letting out a brief burst of blaring music before closing again.
two sets of footsteps crunched on the gravel.
"hey, man."
a heavy hand came down on his shoulder.
dean flinched, snapping his head around to see tucker standing there, his face tight with a mixture of pity and disappointment.
right next to him was beau maxwell. his arms crossed over his chest and his usual laid-back energy completely gone, replaced by a rare, dead-serious frown.
"i told you, dean," tucker said quietly, looking down the empty road. "i warned you that she doesn't do the whole half-in, half-out thing."
"i wasn't half-in," dean snapped, his voice suddenly raw, a dangerous edge cracking through his usual easy-going demeanor.
he ripped his shoulder away from tucker's grip, running a frantic hand through his blonde hair. "i was going to tell her tonight. i was waiting for the house to clear out so i could ask her to stay. permanently."
beau let out a low, heavy sigh, shaking his head. "then why didn't you say it in front of everyone? why did you let her watch you flirt with some sophomore if she's the one you wanted? you can't treat a girl like a secret and then expect her to treat you like a priority."
tucker nodded in agreement. "beau's right. you let her think she was just another hookup that half the campus has already been with. you can't blame her for cutting you off."
dean quickly opened his mouth to defend himself.
he wanted to explain that the girl by the keg meant absolutely nothing, that it was just muscle memory.
it just the casual persona he put on so nobody looked too closely at how much he actually cared.
but the words died in his throat.
i know when someone is just trying to win over a crowd.
you had called it.
every single bit of it.
he had been so terrified of admitting, even to himself, that he had finally found the right girl. the one he had been passively waiting for his entire life.
but he had treated her like a secret and in doing so, he had completely destroyed the only real thing he had.
"i fucked up, guys," dean whispered, his voice dropping into a register they had never heard from him before.
it was entirely stripped of pride, heavy with a terrifying, sudden desperation. "i really, really fucked up."
beau looked at tucker, then back at dean, his expression softening into something deeply sympathetic. "yeah. you did. and if i know her? she's not the type to give you a second chance just for the sake of it. you're going to have to actually work for this one."
dean didn't go back inside the party.
he walked straight up the stairs to his room, locked the door, and sat on the edge of his bed in the dark.
the scent of your coconut shampoo still lingered faintly on his pillow.
the hum of the tires against the asphalt was the only sound inside suni's car for the first three miles.
after the oppressive, vibrating bass from earlier, the silence inside the sedan felt less like an absence of noise and more like a physical weight, settling deep into your bones.
you blankly stared out the passenger window, watching the streetlamps bleed past in long, blurry streaks of amber.
"do you want me to say it?" suni asked quietly, her brown eyes fixed on the dark road ahead.
her hands were gripped tight on the steering wheel, still vibrating with that protective adrenaline.
"say what?" you murmured, your forehead resting against the cool glass.
"that you are an absolute fucking badass," she said, a small, fierce smile tugging at the corner of her lips.
"i mean it. people don't just walk away from dean. girls usually dissolve into a puddle when he looks in their general direction, and you just destroyed him on his own driveway."
you let out a breath that was half-laugh, half-sigh, feeling the tight knot in your chest loosen just a fraction. "i don't feel like a badass. i feel hollow."
"that's just the detox," suni promised gently, reaching over to give your knee a supportive squeeze before putting both hands back on the wheel.
"it's the sugar crash after two months of eating nothing but empty calories. it'll pass."
she was right.
it was a crash.
but as you pulled up to your apartment building, the relief you expected to feel was shadowed by a lingering, dull ache.
you had drawn the line. you had won the argument.
so why did it feel like you were the one recovering from a blow?
four days passed in a tense, quiet limbo. you stayed away from the standard student hangouts.
you kept your head down, and entirely avoided the athletic side of campus.
which was much easier said than done.
it was actually hannah wells who broke the radio silence when you bumped into each other at work.
you two weren't particularly close outside of your shifts, but you had always been good coworkers, and she gave you a sympathetic look the second she saw you.
she admitted right off the bat that garrett had practically begged her to feel you out and see if you would be willing to hear dean's side of things.
but hannah made it clear she wasn't actually pushing his agenda.
you let her know, gently but firmly, that you just didn't want to hear him out right now.
she nodded immediately, completely understanding.
you were halfway through your shift at malone's when the bell over the front door chimed and beau maxwell walked in from the cold.
the dinner rush hadn't started yet, leaving the restaurant washed in a warm, lazy quiet.
soft music drifted through the speakers. behind the bar, hannah was busy polishing glasses, while allie was sitting in one of the booths near the window. she was seemingly looking over her homework but clearly tuned into the room.
you looked up from the hostess stand and immediately narrowed your eyes.
beau rarely came here unless dean dragged him.
and judging by the guilty, deeply uncomfortable look on his face, this definitely wasn't a social visit.
"it's that bad, huh?" you asked dryly before he could even open his mouth to speak.
beau blinked. "what?"
"you drew the short straw." you crossed your arms. "dean sent you to talk to me."
hannah stopped wiping her glass, an amused smirk spreading across her face. the fact that beau's expression instantly gave him away nearly made you laugh.
"oh my god," you said, an incredulous smile finally breaking across your face. "he did."
"to be fair," beau said carefully, raising his hands in surrender, "i volunteered. mostly because i couldn't take another night of him pacing the living room floor like a caged animal."
allie leaned out of her booth slightly. "wait. dean di laurentis is sending representatives now?"
hannah leaned her elbows on the bar, looking entirely entertained. "please tell me he at least prepared a speech."
beau groaned, rubbing a hand over his face. "you people are evil."
"no," you corrected lightly, grabbing a stack of menus from the counter beside you, "he's pure evil."
that earned you a reluctant laugh from beau. he shoved his hands into his pockets, looking both amused and slightly helpless.
"okay," he admitted. "maybe this does look a little pathetic."
"a little?" allie echoed from her booth, shaking her head. "beau, i don't know why you're doing this for him."
hannah pointed a bar towel at you. "his approval ratings are in the toilet."
you pressed your lips together, fighting another smile.
it was ridiculous.
dean was apparently moping around because you stopped answering his texts.
a month ago, the idea would've satisfied you.
now it mostly just felt surreal.
beau's expression softened as your smile faded slightly. "i've known dean a long time," he said quietly. "and i've honestly never seen him like this before."
you focused on straightening the menus in your hands even though they were already perfectly aligned. "beauâ"
"no, seriously." he leaned against the hostess stand, dropping his voice. "the guy is a disaster. garrett says he's playing like crap at practice because he's distracted all the time. coach yelled at him so hard yesterday his face literally turned purple.â
âand logan threatened to throw dean's phone into a lake because he keeps checking if you texted him back every thirty seconds. he doesn't sleep. he just... he stares at his phone."
a reluctant laugh slipped out before you could stop it, but it died quickly.
"this is insane," you muttered, covering your face briefly with your hand. "he's literally running a pr campaign."
"that's actually exactly what tucker called it," beau admitted.
the amusement faded entirely after a second, though, something heavier settling back into your chest. because underneath all the ridiculousness... there was still hurt.
a deep, aching bruise left by a boy who thought everything in life came easy.
you slowly lowered your hand. "did he send you because he thinks if enough people tell me he's miserable, i'll magically forget why i left?"
the teasing atmosphere immediately evaporated. beau straightened slightly, his voice turning serious.
"no." he shook his head.
"i came because he knows he hurt you. and because for once in his life, he's too scared to make it worse. he's terrified that if he pushes you, you'll completely erase him."
that caught you off guard.
even hannah went quiet behind the bar, returning to her glasses. you looked down at the menus in your hands, tracing your thumb absentmindedly along the edges.
beau hesitated before continuing. "he's not trying to charm his way out of this anymore," he said carefully. "honestly? i think that's freaking him out the most. he doesn't know how to exist without his armor."
before you could respond, the front door opened again and a group of customers entered, breaking the moment apart. hannah immediately pushed off the bar, professional mode clicking back in. "right, back to it before della catches us."
allie slid back into her booth to give the customers room. beau stepped away from the hostess stand, giving you one last careful look. "i'm not saying you should forgive him," he said gently. "that's your call. but i do think losing you finally forced him to become a person instead of just a personality."
and annoyingly enough, that line stayed with you long after he left.
by the end of the week, the hurt had hardened into a reckless, heavy spike of anger.
suni practically forced you out the door to the pre-game mixer at the phi kappa house. "you need to show up, look stunning which isn't hard for you, and prove you aren't hiding in your room crying over a some hockey player," she insisted.
the house was a sensory overloadâa wall of thumping bass, sticky floors, and sweat-fogged windows.
it took exactly five minutes for the room to feel subtly dialed into your arrival. across the crowded living room, the hockey team was gathered near the back patio.
and right in the center was dean.
he looked exhausted, his gaze drifting aimlessly until logan nudged him, pointing in your direction. the moment dean's blue eyes locked onto yours, his entire posture changed.
his chest rose sharply, and he took an instinctive step forward, completely abandoning his conversation.
his eyes flared with a sudden, desperate hope.
you felt the invisible weight of the room watching, waiting for the classic fallout. a dark, defiant spark ignited in your chest.
dean had spent months keeping your relationship a secret, acting like a casual observer while he entertained a crowd.
two can play that game.
you deliberately tore your eyes away from him, turning your gaze toward liam. liam was a handsome football player who had been hovering in your orbit since the start of the academic year.
he was tall, built, and more than happy to have your sudden, undivided attention.
out of the corner of your eye, you saw dean freeze. the hope on his face shattered.
you leaned in close to liam, letting your laughter trail off into something softer, low and intimate.
you stepped directly into his space, your hand sliding deliberately up his arm to rest against his shoulder, your fingers brushing the nape of his neck.
liam's eyes darkened instantly with surprise and heat. his hand came up, wrapping firmly around your waist and pulling you flush against him.
across the room, dean looked like he had been physically struck.
you could see his jaw clenching so hard a muscle jumped in his cheek, his knuckles turning stark white as his grip tightened around his red cup.
garrett muttered something in his ear, placing a grounding hand on his shoulder, but dean brushed him off as his eyes burned into you with a raw, bleeding agony.
you didn't look back at him. instead, you leaned up on your toes, your eyes dropping to liam's lips.
"you're incredibly beautiful tonight," liam murmured, his voice thick, his thumb sliding beneath the edge of your top, tracing the bare skin of your hip.
"thank you," you breathed out, tilting your head up slightly. "liam?"
"mhm?"
"kiss me."
he didn't hesitate. liam leaned down, slanting his mouth over yours.
he didn't hold back at all. his lips were warm and demanding, his hand pressing firmly into the small of your back to hold you tight against his chest.
you let your eyes close and leaned into the weight of him, wrapping your arms around his neck, deepening the kiss into something slow, deliberate, and deeply sensual.
you made sure it lingered, playing your part perfectly for the crowd.
and for the specific boy breaking apart by the doors.
a low ripple of whispers washed through the immediate room. the kiss was thick with heat, but it didn't ignite that familiar, electric ache you only ever felt with a certain stupid idiot.
when you finally pulled back, liam was breathing heavily, a dazed, smug smile tugging at his lips.
you offered him a quiet, heavy-lidded smile before finally looking past his shoulder.
the satisfaction immediately turned to ash in your throat.
dean looked physically ill. the fierce, possessive anger had completely drained out of him, leaving behind a hollow, entirely defeated devastation.
his face was completely pale, his eyes wide as he stared at you. it was like he was looking at the end of his life.
watching you give someone else that kind of intimacy had entirely undone him.
dean's fingers slacked. his cup slipped from his hand, clattering against the floor and splashing beer across his shoes, but he didn't even notice.
he turned on his heel and blindly pushed through the crowd, fleeing out the back doors into the freezing night air.
beau shot you a heavy, disappointed look before turning to follow him out.
you stood frozen beside liam, the adrenaline completely evaporating, leaving behind a bitter, hollow ache in your chest. you had hurt dean exactly the way he hurt you.
so why did you feel like throwing up?
dean didn't find you until two weeks later. it took him two full weeks after that party to gather the courage to approach you again. when he finally did, it wasn't at a party, or in his bedroom, or under dim lights where he could press his mouth against yours and make you forget.
it was the middle of the afternoon in the campus library.
you were sitting cross-legged in one of the armchairs near the back windows, a stack of annotated articles spread across the table beside you.
for a long minute, he just stood at the end of the aisle.
god, he looked awful. the sharp jawline you used to trace was covered in a rough, uneven stubble. his signature silver-tongued confidence was entirely absent.
you sensed him before he even spoke. your eyes lifted slowly from your laptop. no warmth or softening. just... nothing.
dean flinched. "hey," he said, his voice raw and stripped of its usual smooth cadence.
you looked back down at your laptop screen, your voice flat. "dean."
he swallowed hard, stepping closer, his hands shoved deep into his pockets as if to keep himself from reaching out. "can we talk for maybe a second? please. just... two minutes. i'll leave right after, i swear."
"i'm really busy right now, dean."
"i know. i know you are." his voice cracked. he hesitated, his eyes flashing with a sudden, sharp spike of residual pain from the party. he swallowed hard, trying to keep his composure, but his voice shook. "are you... are you seeing him? liam?"
you didn't even look up from your screen. "that's really none of your business."
"none of myâ" dean let out a bitter, breathy laugh, his eyes swimming. he leaned slightly over the table, his voice dropping to a harsh, desperate whisper. "that was low, you know. even for you. putting on a show like that in front of everyone just to rub my face in it?"
you finally shut your laptop softly, leaning back in your chair and crossing your arms.
you scoffed at him, a cold, mocking sound that cut right through his defense.
"low?" you repeated, your voice slicing through him. "you should worry less about who i'm kissing, dean, and worry a lot more about yourself. you don't get to lecture me about public displays when you practically pioneered them."
the reality of your words hit him like a physical punch to his ribs. he actually took a half-step back, his chest heaving as the hypocrisy collapsed on him.
he was desperate to know if you were talking to liam. he was paralyzed by the thought that you had moved on, but he knew he had no right to ask.
"i'm sorry," he whispered, the defensive edge completely evaporating, leaving him entirely exposed. "you're right. i have no right. i just... i think i genuinely don't know how to handle this."
"i think you genuinely don't understand why you hurt me in the first place," you countered calmly, the honesty of it cutting deeper than your anger ever could.
"you understand that i left. you understand that your bed is empty and your ego is bruised. but i don't think you actually understood what it felt like to stand next to you and constantly feel temporary. to feel like a placeholder until someone better, or flashier, caught your eye."
dean went completely still.
"i liked you so much, dean," you admitted quietly. it made you almost sick to say it. the words tasted bitter and heavy as they left your tongue, but unfortunately it was true.
"it was enough to make excuses for things i normally wouldn't tolerate. i let myself believe you actually cared, and you made me feel stupid for it. you treated my feelings like they were disposable. i'm not doing it anymore. i'm done."
"please," he whispered, his voice dropping to a raw, desperate plea. "don't say it's over. just give me something to fix. tell me what to do."
"there's nothing to do," you said, your heart aching behind the wall you had built, but you forced your voice to remain steady. "i just need you to leave."
he stood there for a long, agonizing beat, looking at you like a man watching his life sentence being handed down.
finally, he closed his eyes, took a shaky, ragged breath, and nodded.
"okay," he sighed, his shoulders hunched in complete defeat. "okay. i'm sorry."
he turned around and walked away, his heavy footsteps fading down the library aisle, leaving you alone with a crushing, heavy silence.
two more weeks passed. then three.
if dean's initial reaction to the "breakup" was a loud, messy public moping tour, his reaction to the library confrontation was a total blackout.
the campus gossip machine slowed down because dean stopped giving them material.
he wasn't partying.
he wasn't hovering at the edges of your vision.
but he hadn't given up instead he had just changed his tactics.
the loud gestures were replaced by quiet, undeniable consistency.
every tuesday and thursday morningâthe days you had an 10.00 am seminar on the opposite side of campusâthere was a large vanilla latte waiting for you at the barista counter, already paid for.
no note.
just your exact, complicated order.
when you tried to refuse it, the barista just shrugged. "he said if you don't take it, i have to throw it out. every day."
you left it on the counter the first three times.
by the fourth time, the cold winter air bit too hard, and you took it.
it tasted like an apology.
then came the hockey games. suni dragged you to the friday night game against yale.
you sat twelve rows up, determined to look indifferent.
but the moment the team skated onto the ice, it was clear dean wasn't playing for the scouts or the crowd anymore.
he played with a brutal, self-punishing intensity. and when he scored the game-winning goal in the third period, the stadium erupted.
normally, dean would skate a lap, flashing his devastating smile to the student section, soaking in the god-like adoration.
instead, he skated straight to the center line, stopped, and looked directly up into the stands. right at you.
he didn't smile. he just held your gaze for three agonizing seconds, chest heaving, before skating back to the bench.
"okay," suni muttered beside you, watching him go. "that was... actually kind of miserable. he didn't even wink at the girls."
the next afternoon, you were heading out of the science building when a shadow fell over you.
you braced yourself, expecting to see blue eyes and a desperate expression, but when you looked up, it was tucker.
he stepped right into your pace, unceremoniously slinging his heavy arm over your shoulders, pulling you briefly into his side to shield you from a sudden blast of freezing wind.
"hey," tucker said quietly, giving your shoulder a firm, reassuring squeeze before letting his arm drop back to his side. "you got a minute? i'm not here on his orders, i swear. he doesn't even know i'm talking to you."
you didn't walk away, but you still kept your guard up. "tucker, if this is about deanâ"
"it is," he interrupted gently. he gestured toward a quiet bench under a bare oak tree.
once you both sat down, he leaned his elbows on his knees, looking at you with complete sincerity.
"i'm not here to tell you he's miserable, because you already know that, and honestly, he deserves to be. but he's always been the guy who keeps one foot out the door because he thinks if he doesn't fully commit, nothing can actually hurt him."
you let out a bitter, breathy sigh, looking down at your boots. "so i'm just supposed to wait around while he plays psychologist with himself?"
"no," tucker said firmly, catching your eye.
"absolutely not. you did the right thing by walking away. you forced him to look in a mirror, and he hated what he saw. but what i'm trying to tell you, as your friend he's not trying to trick you back. he's genuinely terrified because he realized his own cowardice cost him the only real thing he's ever wanted."
tucker leaned back slightly against the bench. "i've never seen dean look at a girl the way he looks at you. he's not trying to smooth things over anymore, he's just trying to figure out how to be a man you could actually trust. i'm not asking you to take him back. i'm just asking you not to completely write him off before you let him speak."
you sat in silence for a long moment, the weight of tucker's words sinking deep into your chest.
tucker wasn't an enabler. he was your friend, and he was the moral compass of that friend group.
if he was defending the sincerity of dean's change, it had to mean something.
"thank you, tuck," you murmured softly.
he gave you a brief, supportive nod, standing up from the bench. "just think about it, okay? see you around."
you watched him walk away, your mind a chaotic blur.
a few days later, you were sitting on the couch in your apartment, staring blankly at a textbook, when suni dropped a mug of tea onto the coffee table in front of you.
"you're thinking about him," she said flatly, crossing her arms as she leaned against the back of the chair.
you let out a long sigh, rubbing your temples. "i don't want to be. but it's been a month, suni. he's not stopping. every time i turn around, there's a coffee, or he's clearing out of a room the second i walk into it so i don't feel uncomfortable. and his friends are trying to reason with me. it's infuriating."
"why is it infuriating?"
"because it's working," you admitted, your voice cracking. "it's making me remember why i fell for him before he started acting like a coward. but i'm terrified. if i let him back in, what happens when he gets bored of making amends? what happens when the crowd calls his name again?"
suni searched your face, seeing the deep, defensive armor you had built. she slid onto the couch next to you, pulling your hand into hers.
"then you make him earn the right to even ask that question," suni said softly, squeezing your fingers.
"you don't fold just because he's acting like a human being now. that's the baseline expectation, not a reward. if you want to talk to him, talk to him. but don't let him off the hook until you are 100% sure he knows he's lucky to breathe the same air as you."
just promise me you walk away if he slips back into his old habits." she sighed holding onto your hands.
"i promise," you whispered, a sudden wave of clarity washing over you.
you didn't go to the rink to find him.
it was close to midnight when you found yourself walking toward the athletic center to drop off a borrowed, heavily annotated textbook for hannah.
but as you stepped into the corridor, the muffled, echoing thwack of a puck against boards drew you toward the main arena doors.
armed with suni and tucker's advice echoing in your head and a tug in your chest you couldn't ignore anymore, you pulled open the heavy side doors of the rink.
the stadium was dark, except for the bright, stark floodlights illuminating the pristine white sheet of ice.
dean was alone.
he was stripped down to his practice jersey and skates. there was no crowd to impress, no scouts watching, no teammates to joke with.
it was just him, a puck, and a net.
he was doing suicide drillsâskating full sprint to the blue line, stopping hard enough to spray a cascade of ice shavings, skating back, and doing it again.
he was panting, his blonde hair soaked with sweat, his movements driven by a furious, desperate energy.
he was trying to skate away from his own head.
you stood by the player's bench, your arms crossed, watching him coolly.
"you're slacking on your defense di laurentis," you called out. your voice echoed sharply in the cavernous, empty arena.
dean froze.
his skates dug into the ice with a harsh screech, breaking the silence.
he snapped his head around, his chest heaving as he stared at you.
for a second, he looked entirely paralyzed, as if he thought he was hallucinating.
"you're here," he breathed, slowly skating toward the boards. he stopped a few feet away, looking up from the ice.
"i'm here," you said softly, your tone steady, giving him absolutely nothing to work with. no smile or softness. you unlatched the heavy wooden door of the player's bench. "i think you've done enough pacing around campus, dean. come here."
before he could answer, you took a tentative step out onto the ice. you were wearing regular winter boots, completely unequipped for a freshly zambonied sheet of ice.
"wait, wait, hold onâ" dean warned, his eyes widening in alarm.
naturally, you didn't listen. your heel hit a patch of smooth ice, and your balance instantly vanished. your arms flailed as you slipped backward, a short gasp escaping your throat.
but you didn't hit the ice.
dean moved with the terrifying speed of a professional athlete. in a fraction of a second, he closed the distance, his strong gloved hands catching you right around the waist. he hauled you against his chest, his skates digging hard into the ice to anchor both of your weights.
you gasped, your hands automatically flying up to grip his broad shoulders. you were pressed flush against him, the cool scent of the ice and his familiar cologne enveloping you completely.
"gotcha," dean whispered, his breath puffing white in the cold air.
he didn't let go.
his hands stayed firmly clamped around your waist, pulling you so close that you could feel the rapid, thumping beat of his heart against your chest.
he was looking down at you like you were the only thing left in the entire world, his eyes intense, wide, and bright with unshed tears.
no armor. just dean.
but even wrapped in his arms, you kept your gaze sharp.
you didn't meltâŠ.. just yet.
"you're a fucking idiot," you murmured, your voice level and direct. "you really messed up, dean."
"i know," he whispered, his voice cracking as a tear finally slipped down his cheek, cutting through the sweat on his face. he didn't even try to brush it away.
"i'm the biggest idiot. i ruined everything. the night you left... i sat in my room and i realized i've spent my whole life making sure nobody could ever reject me by making sure i never fully committed to anything.â he continued.
âand then i met you. and i was so terrified of how much power you had over me that i tried to make you small so i could feel big."
he took a shaky breath, his grip tightening around your waist as if you might vanish if he let go.
"seeing you with liam? it nearly killed me. but the worst part wasn't jealousy. the worst part was realizing i was the one who drove you into his arms. i am so sorry. i am so, so sorry for making you feel like a secret. i swear to god, i love you. i don't want anyone else. i just want you."
you stood steady in his hold, letting the weight of his words hang in the freezing air.
your heart was pounding, but you kept your hands firm against his shoulders, maintaining your boundary.
"words are easy for you, dean," you said quietly.
"you've always been good with a crowd. you've always known exactly what to say to smooth things over. i don't want a public spectacle. i care about what this is."
"this isn't a performance," he choked out, his shoulders hunching in complete defeat, entirely exposed to you. "tell me what to do. anything. i don't care how long it takes."
you looked at him for a long moment, watching the genuine, stripped-back desperation in his eyes. only then did you let a very small, guarded smile touch your lips. it wasn't a total surrender, but it was a crack in the ice.
"i'm not ready to give you a second chance," you told him firmly, your voice unwavering.
"and i'm definitely not ready to forget how you treated me. but i am willing to stop running so if you want to try and earn my trust back, you can start by taking me on a real date. next friday. and if you slip back into your old habits even once? i'm gone. do you understand me?"
a breathless, stunned laugh escaped dean's lips. it wasn't his usual confident chuckle.
it was a sound of pure, unadulterated relief, heavy with the realization of just how close he had come to losing you.
"yes," he whispered fiercely, his eyes shining as he looked down at you. "yes, absolutely. whatever you want. however long it takes. i'll be exactly who you need me to be."
you let your eyes drop to his lips, then back to his eyes, finally allowing yourself to relax against his chest. "show me."
dean didn't hesitate.
he leaned down and captured your lips in a deep, desperate, passionate kiss.
it wasn't the smooth, practiced kiss of a guy trying to charm his way into a girl's room.
it was heavy with weeks of longing, raw with the terror of almost losing you, and overflowing with a profound, aching relief.
he poured everything he couldn't put into words into the press of his mouth against yours, his fingers tangling in the hair at the nape of your neck, holding you to him as if he could bind your paths together right then and there.
when he finally pulled back, just an inch, his forehead rested against yours. both of you were breathing heavily, the white puffs of your breath mingling together in the cold air.
dean let out a soft, shaky laugh, a brilliant, breathtaking smile finally spreading across his handsome faceâthe first real smile he had had in weeks.
"so," dean murmured, his thumb gently tracing your jawline, though his eyes still held that cautious, vulnerable edge. "does this mean my approval ratings are finally going up?"
you let out a genuine laugh, but you didn't let him entirely off the hook. "don't push your luck, di laurentis. you are still on probation."
"i'll take it," he whispered, before leaning right back down to kiss you again, your laughter echoing beautifully in the empty arena.
Summary: When faced with the hardest decision of his life, Eddie drives around Hawkins, trying to find the answers he seeks. While reflecting on his several years-long friendship with you, he worries that he won't be able to be what you and your baby needs. Until WSQK plays a familiar song that Eddie knew well- your song. The soundtrack of exactly how he felt about you- and he wonders how he hadn't seen the truth until now.
A/N: Tumblr cut me off because this part was too long. So, to be continued in part 4âŠ.
ââââââââ
âEddie? Are you okay?â
You stood nervously as you watched Eddie completely blank out, staring straight ahead as his world felt like it was crashing down around him.
âEds?â You call out âCan you say something?â
He felt like he was short-circuiting. Nothing was making sense. How did things go from him suspecting that you were screwing around with Steve to finding out that you were carrying his child? This felt like a bad episode of The Twilight Zone and he had a starring role.
No. This could not be happening.
âEddie?â Steve calls out, still holding his bleeding nose. While Eddie was breaking down, he had to have grabbed a kitchen towel to try and stop the blood.
âWhat the fuck is there to say?â Eddie explodes, his voice coming out with a harsh laugh as he begins to shake his head, rocking anxiously.
âYouâre sure?â He looks at you with glassy eyes. You couldnât tell if he was about to cry or not but you noticed his hands shaking. You donât speak. You just nod.
âFuck!â Eddie shouts, kicking Steveâs coffee table with his boot. Eddie jumps up from the couch. Where did he plan to go? He didnât know but he was too antsy to stay seated.
âFuuuckâŠâ He agonizes, rubbing his face with his ringed hands as he paces back and forth- completely fired up. âOkay. Okay, okay, okay. So, fuck, what are you going to do with it? The-â
Eddie couldnât even fix his mouth to say the word.
He turns towards you expectantly, eyes full of worry as he looked for you to come up with some way to fix this.
âIâm keeping it, Eddie.â You answer, your voice calm and steady- sure of yourself. You werenât expecting what he was going to say next.
âYouâre keeping it?â Eddie guffaws, feeling as though he was going crazy âAre you insane? Youâve got to be joking.â
âSheâs not.â Steve replies, firmly advocating for you. âThatâs the decision sheâs made, Eddie. Sheâs been through a lot these past few weeks. Shit that you donât even know about, man.â
âAnd how the fuck do you know?â Eddie scoffs, looking at Steve in disgust.
âBecause Iâve been there the whole time, Eddie. Where the fuck were you?â Steve challenges.
âReally, Harrington? You really wanna start this shit?â Eddie threatens âHow the fuck do you even know about this before I did?â
âYouâre lucky that you even know now.â Steve retorts âShe wasnât going to tell you. I told her when she found out that it wouldnât have been a good idea to keep this from you but, seeing how youâre acting right now, maybe sheâs justified.â
Eddie turns to you, a look of hurt and betrayal on his face. âYou werenât going to tell me?â
âEddie-â
âHow long have you known?â Eddie questions, staring at you in disbelief âHow long have you been keeping this a secret from me?â
âIâm eight weeks pregnant. I just found out two weeks ago.â You confirm, looking at Eddie whose expression was unreadable.
âYou sat on this for two weeks?â He replies incredulously âWow. Wow, okay. Nice to know that I was the last one clued in here.â
âEddie, I didnât tell you because the original plan wasnât to keep it. I was going to have an abortion.â
âAnd you didnât?â Eddie questions.
âNo, I didnât. I couldnât.â You admit.
âWell, I think thatâs really fucking selfish of you.â Eddie snarls, shaking his head at you in disapproval- in shame.
âWhat?â You ask, shocked.
âI mean, are you even thinking? This isnât just about you! This is my life too! You didnât even talk to me about this. What if I donât want kids? Have you maybe stopped to think about that when you went around making all of these decisions?â
âEddie, are you fucking serious, man?â Steve replies, completely stunned.
âNo, Eddie.â You snap âI didnât think about it at all. I didnât think about what you would want. I was thinking about the fucking baby Iâm going to have. Christ, do you even hear yourself?â
âListen, sweetheart, Iâm not trying to be an asshole but you really need to think here. Weâre twenty and twenty-two. Nowhere even close to having our shit all figured out and you want to add a baby into this? When itâs already fucking complicated as all fuck? Jesus Christ, donât you see how fucking stupid that would be?â
âBut using me as a rebound to get over Chrissy wasnât fucking stupid, right?â You quip âNow weâve got something to show for it and you want to be mad at me? What the fuck is wrong with you?â
âYou donât get it, sweetheart. This isnât something that you can just decide to do and expect everything to be okay. This affects everything. Donât you get that? How are we going to afford to do this? Do you know how much it costs to raise a kid? âCause I sure as fuck donât.â
âWell Eddie,â you sigh âI guess that makes you lucky because you can just opt out if you want to.â
âHold on.â Eddie says, putting up his hands as if heâs trying to pause everything âWhat are you saying?â
âIâm saying that Iâm giving you a choice here, Eddie.â You start, ready to lay out the ultimatum thatâs been weighing heavily on you for weeks âWhether you like it or not, Iâm keeping this baby. Thereâs no changing that. But itâs up to you if you want to be around. Frankly, if you ran off and never spoke to me again, I wouldnât blame you. It would hurt but Iâd fucking get it. Or you can choose to be a part of this babyâs life. Either way, this is happening. But this partâŠitâs on you now.â
âYou just donât fucking get it.â Eddie barks out a laugh, throwing his hands up âItâs not that simple! This is complicated shit!â
âDoesnât have to be.â You add âYou need to make a decision. Are you in or are you out?â
ââââââââ
June 1979
Eddie was almost finished, enraptured by the mythical world of Mordor. He had been reading for days, barely even taking a break to put it down to eat or sleep. He was enamored, obsessed, and dying to know how things ended.
He was sitting in a beach chair at Hawkins Community Pool, his nose practically touching the pages as he read from a brand new copy of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. It had taken a lot of allowance money and a long bike trek to the nearest Walden Books which was two towns over, but it was worth it- oh so worth it.
The words on the page served as the closest thing that he could get to an escape from the horrors of Hawkins, Indiana. A way to turn off his mind and be anywhere else but there- a town where he was a spectacle. He had none other than the brilliant mind of J.R.R Tolkien to thank.
He was so engrossed in the world of Hobbits and wizards and cursed objects that it somehow made him feel a little less lonely- mostly distracting him from the fact that he had no friends and that no one was even interested in being one. At least he had fantasy and fiction- two best pals that would never let him down.
But, to Eddieâs dismay, he still found himself yearning for something more- a partner-in-crime, a companion, or a confidante. A Samwise Gamgee to his Frodo Baggins. Someone to stand by his side even if he had to travel to Mordor to toss cursed jewelry into the depths of a volcano. Eddie needed a friend more than anyone would ever know. Yet, it seemed, that no one would ever come. Until that hot July day.
Unbeknownst to Eddie, he had been watched for the last hour by a group of boys- staking him out on the other side of the pool deck as he minded his own business, turning pages in his novel as if he hadnât a care in the world. Eddie bothered nothing and no one. Yet, for some reason, that set off the pack of jocks- wanting a target and their eyes were set on him.
You had been quietly observing Eddie Munson since you moved to Hawkins that spring, intrigued by the quiet and mysterious nature of him. You didnât know much about him if anything at all. Just that he lived with his uncle in a trailer in the Forest Hills Trailer Park- only a few blocks away from the house you had moved into with your parents.
You saw him ride his bike through your neighborhood a few times throughout the past few months, constantly angering your elderly neighbor Mr OâDell by cutting through his yard on his way home- crushing his flower beds in the process. You would sit on your front porch, reading from a book as you would hear the old man bellow, trying to chase after Eddie on his bike. He was always too fast and Mr. OâDell always ended up in a coughing fit after over-exerting himself.
Your mother would just shake her head in disapproval as she watered the lawn- muttering to herself that âWayne Munson needed to get that boy under control.â But you silently disagreed, turning back to your book after watching Eddie turn the corner on his bike and disappear. You liked Eddie Munson just the way that he was.
You hadnât seen him ride through your neighborhood very much for the past couple of months- stolen glimpses here and there. As you paid attention to him from across the swimming pool, you took stock in just how long his hair had grown since you had discovered that he existed back in the spring.
It had grown in quite a bit from the previously buzzed style that he sported when you first laid eyes on him. Now it was growing in shaggy and slightly disheveled- hints of curls starting to take shape. You didnât know why but you immediately thought that it was more âlike him.â More suitable. Which was ridiculous to think because you didnât know him at all- especially not enough to judge whether or not something seems more âlike himâ or not. What you did know was that he was beautiful- intriguing. Not like anyone else around Hawkins.
You were so wrapped up in your thoughts of him that you almost didnât notice Tommy Hagan and his douche brigade headed right towards Eddie with a mischievous air about them. They were up to no good- you knew it.
âWell, well, well. What do we have here?â You caught the sounds of Tommy Haganâs voice, his tone mocking as he approached Eddie in his pool chair- getting his attention as he looks up from his book. Noticing that he was being surrounded by the pack of jockstraps.
âEddie âThe Freakâ Munson.â Tommy sneers, causing his cronies to begin snickering behind him- sheep without a mind of their own âWhatcha got there, Munson? The satanic bible?â Tommy patronizes.
Eddie looks down at his paperback, resting in his lap as he sat in confusion.
âNoâŠâ Eddie answers, as if it were obvious- as if Tommy and his gang is dense. Which, to be fair, they probably were. âItâs The Fellowship of the Ring. Itâs a book about-â But before Eddie could explain the novel and its premise, Tommy Hagan snatches it off of his lap- causing Eddie to lunge for it.
Oh no, you thought, this wasnât going to end well.
âReally? âCause it looks pretty satanic to me.â Tommy argues as he flips through the book. Eddie watches- looking helpless.
âWhat do you plan on doing? Cursing the whole town?â He asks âSacrificing everyone to the devil like the freak you are? I bet thatâs what happened to your parents, isnât it freak? You sacrifice them or something?â
âWhat?â Eddie replies, dumbfounded as he shakes his head âN-no! I donât even know how-â
âSure you donât, freak. You expect us to believe that?â Tommy patronizes, waving Eddieâs book in his face âYou know, I should really just destroy this- do all of Hawkins a favor.â
âPlease donât.â Eddie says, staring at Tommy as he continues tossing his book around.
âGive us one reason why I shouldnât, freak.â He teases. But before Eddie could open his mouth to give a response, Tommy had already placed his hands on both ends of Eddieâs book- splitting it right down the middle.
You cringe as the tearing sounds meet your ears, screwing your eyes shut. You thought that Tommy would only do it once but he didnât- choosing to really twist the knife by tearing out all of the pages. Ripping those in half so that there was no way for Eddie to savage them- and Eddie just stood there and took it. Because what else was there for him to do? He couldnât fight back. Not when he knew that heâd end up at the Hawkins Police Department as he awaited his uncle to come and pick him up. Further proving to Wayne that the apple didnât fall far from his brotherâs tree.
When Tommy was finished, he dropped what was left of the book down onto the ground- right in front of Eddieâs feet. J.R.R Tolkienâs masterpiece now reduced to nothing but scraps.
âOops.â Tommy replies, a wicked grin on his face âSorry, freak.â He stomped onto the scraps of paper to further rub salt in the wound. Eddieâs spirit was broken. You could see that- even from where you stood.
Tommy Hagan was prepared to walk off but but not before shoving Eddie hard onto the pavement- scraping Eddieâs elbow in the process. Eddie winces in pain as he raises his arm, blood trickling from the wound at a fast pace. Everyone around just watched- including you.
Eddie removes his shirt, balling it up in his hands as he uses it to apply pressure and stop the bleeding. He slumped back down into his beach chair, his eyes landing at the pile of scraps that used to be his novel. He just stared at it. After what felt like fifteen to twenty minutes, Eddie removes the shirt from his elbow to make sure he had stopped bleeding.
He then rises from his beach chair, reaching down to grab his backpack as he slings it onto one shoulder. He walks over to the pile of what was left of his book, scooping it up in his hands as he carries it. You watch as he walks towards the exit of the pool, making a pit-stop in front of the garbage can next to the snack bar as he dumps the remains of his favorite book inside.
Your heart aches as you watch him sigh in defeat. But he didnât linger long. He turned away and walked out of the community pool, gliding towards his bike that rested against the fence- mounting it as he began to bike off. Back to the Forest Hills Trailer Park.
Through the neighborhood full of disgruntled adults that seemed to dislike him. Past his peers that made up rumors and whispered to each other about him. Even though it was futile, Eddie wondered if there would ever be a day where he wasnât looked at like a freak or the town pariah. He guessed he would never really know.
ââââââââ
That night, you sat cross-legged on your bedroom floor- a hammer rested in your hand as you had your arm poised to strike down onto your glass piggy bank.
Poor Mr. Hamlet, you thought as you stared down at the porcelain hog that you had been storing your allowance and loose change in for months. You had been saving up for an acid wash denim jacket but, you thought, that would have to wait. Just a little bit longer. There was no shame in starting over.
You smash the piggy bank, thankful that you had put a towel down underneath it so that your mother wouldnât freak out on you. You place down the hammer, plucking away the large chunks of porcelain to collect the money that was stored inside. You began to count it. At the end, you ended up with $23.07. More than enough for you to buy what you needed and to take the bus there and back.
Perfect.
ââââââââ
The following night, Eddie was lounging on this uncleâs couch- legs draped over one of the arms as his eyes were glued to an episode of The Dukes of Hazzard. It was the next thing on his agenda following his hearty dinner of Planters Cheez Balls and a Super Rope.
He tried to distract himself from how his arm still stung- how humiliating the whole situation was. The worst part was that he didnât understand why Jason Carver and Tommy Hagan hated him so much. He had never done anything to either of them. But Eddie guessed that was exactly the reason why. Someone smaller and quieter to pick on. If only Eddie wasnât such a wimp and had just fought back. Why didnât he stand up to them?
As his mind began to dwell deeper on what he shouldâve done and how he wouldâve handled the situation in his head despite it already being in the aftermath, Eddie heard a sound. A dull thump that sounded as if it had come from his front porch. It scared the shit out of him.
Eddie being home alone at night was still new to him, his Uncle Wayne having just started working at the plant. With that being said, Eddie was hyper-aware of every little creak, thump, or gust of wind that occurred in the trailer.
He sat frozen on the sofa, listening closer to see if he had heard anything else- hoping that it was nothing. That he had imagined it and his mind was playing tricks on him. Then he heard the sound of heavy feet as if someone were running followed by the sound of clunking metal and the crunch of asphalt underneath tires. His curiosity got the best of him- to which, Eddie realized, would make him a pretty quick victim in a slasher film. Nevertheless, his mind was made up- he was going to check it out. With protection, of course.
Eddie rushed into his bedroom, quickly searching his closet for the old metal baseball bat that was left there to collect dust after Wayne gave up trying to get him to partake in sports like normal boys his age. He grabs onto it, gripping it tightly in his hands as he exits his room- heading towards the front door of the trailer. He peeked out of the window, trying to see if he could spot anything but was met with nothing.
He places his hand on the doorknob, twisting it as her swings it open. On the other side of the door, he was met with nothing. No one. Maybe it had been his overactive imagination, after all. Wayne had already told him that sometimes his mind was too all over the place for his own good. Maybe this was one of those times.
Eddie then decides to step out onto the concrete stoop, thinking that some fresh air might do him good. As he steps out, the toe of his sneaker nudges something, kicking it forward an inch. Eddie looks down and is met with a bright red paperback copy of The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien- the same book that he had possessed just the day before. Before it was ruined.
Eddie stared down in confusion. Where had it even come from? Who left it there and why? Was this a sick joke orchestrated by Jason and Tommy to further humiliate him? Eddie was far too nervous to find out. He gently kicked at the book again with his shoe, worried that something would happen- nothing did.
He cautiously bends down to pick it up, turning it over in his hands as he inspected it. Brand new, mint condition. Spine uncracked. As he flips open the cover of the book, a small pink Post-it note flutters out of the pages- falling onto the stoop. Eddie bends down to pick it up, leaning closer towards the yellow glow of the porch light as he begins to read it.
Eddie,
Sorry about your book. I'm also sorry that other people are so mean to you. You don't know me but sometimes I wish that you did. I also wish I had the courage to talk to you. Maybe we could be friends if I actually introduced myself. I know it doesn't make things better but I hope that you at least get to finish the book. The guy at the bookshop who helped me find it had told me that it was really good and that you must be really smart to be able to understand and enjoy it. I think I agree with him. Either way, I hope you enjoy the book and you like how it ends.
It wasn't signed with a name. Eddie felt even more confused than he was initially. Who would have not only bought him a brand-new copy of the book he lost but also written him such a kind note? Eddie can't even remember the last time someone was kind to him. Probably never. This had to be a prank.
Eddie tears his eyes away from the note, looking around the trailer park to see if there was anyone watching him- ready to jump from the bushes and laugh in his face about how he had fallen for it. How there was no one in this town that liked or cared about him. But no one came out of the shadows to laugh at him. Maybe there was someone who didn't hate him. Someone that seemed to admire him enough to do something thoughtful and nice. Maybe, just maybe, there really was someone out there that cared.
ââââââââ
You didn't interact with Eddie again until weeks later. You had been at Walden Books in the magazine section, swooning over a cover of Ralph Macchio when you saw him. He was in the Fantasy section, pouring over the next Lord of the Rings book- The Two Towers. You watched curiously as flipped through the pages, tucking it under his arm as he walked over to the check-out counter.
You didn't know why but you followed him, magazine in hand as you waited in line behind him. You didn't even want the magazine- not really. You just wanted an excuse to be near him. To see the boy you admired up close. To just exist in the same space as him at the same time. If he knew this, he'd probably think it was creepy. You just hoped that he wouldn't notice. But, then again, you were probably plain enough to blend in with the wall everywhere you went.
You tried to act natural as you both paid for your things. In order to avoid looking like a weirdo, you fell back a few feet- not wanting to immediately follow him out of the store. When you had gotten an appropriate amount of distance between the two of you, you exited next- walking towards the bike rack where you had left your new candy-red painted Schwinn bicycle. Right next to it was a slightly rusted gray one- a bike you recognized. Next to it was Eddie Munson, unlocking his bike that was right next to yours.
In order to prevent looking suspicious as you stood awkwardly next to the bike rack, you tried to play it cool. You avoid eye contact and stare down at the ground as you sidled up next to him in order to retrieve your bike, putting in your own combination to unlock it. You could do this. You could act natural and inconspicuous. You could-
"Hey, nice bike!â
The sound of his voice couldâve turned you into stone. He was talking to you.
Holy shit, Eddie Munson was talking...to you.
What do you even say?
âOhâŠâ you reply, so low and bashful that it was practically a whisper âThanks.â
âYeah.â Eddie replies âSure.â
The first thing that Eddie noticed was that you were cute- really cute. The second thing he noticed was that he hadnât seen you around before. In a town like Hawkins where everyone knew everyone, it was hard to come across someone new and not notice them. Especially when they looked like you. All Eddie could hope was that you were also just now seeing him for the first time. That your opinion of him wasnât yet tainted by the public opinion of Hawkins.
âAre you from around here?â He asks, feeling a suddenly desperate need to keep the conversation going. To at least get to know your name. Eddie didnât connect with people like this- he didnât connect with anyone. But there was something about you.
âIâŠyeah.â You swallow nervously âI just moved hereâŠto Hawkins.â
âYeah? No shit?â Eddie asks, perking up a little that you were responding. That he wasnât talking to someone who was already scared of him and thought he was a freak.
âYeah. I moved here in the spring. In April.â You finally lift your gaze from the ground, meeting his eyes and Eddie immediately felt like he was going into cardiac arrest. Like his heart stopped beating for a moment. Then it began to thump like crazy in his chest. You were looking at him. You were a very pretty girl that was looking at him and not in a way that conveyed that you were disgusted.
âOh. Wow. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. ThatâsâŠyeah. Really cool.â He stammers nervously, melting under your gaze. So, so pretty.
âIâŠuhâŠIâve gotta go.â You reply, mounting your bike as you prepare to leave âBut it was nice talking to you, Eddie.â
âYeah, of course.â He mutters, breathless âMaybe Iâll see you around some time?â
He was trying so hard to be cool that it was painful. He was trying so hard to be cool that it was totally and completely uncool. But, nevertheless, you looked at him and you smiled- it was a small smile but it was there and it was directed towards him. He had never felt more alive.
âYeah.â You reply âMaybe.â
As you began to bike off, Eddie gave a small wave. Probably the totally most uncool thing heâs ever done but you donât laugh at him when he does. You just turn forward and begin peddling off, leaving him next to the bike rack in front of Walden Books. Then it hit him.
You knew his name.
ââââââââ
Ever since that day, Eddie had looked for you and your candy-red bike. He thought about you and how you knew his name- how he didn't know yours, but how he wished more than anything that he had. He wondered where about Hawkins that you lived. Were you one of those pretty girls with a family that came from money and never had to worry about anything? A girl that lived in a big, huge house with a picket fence and beds of flowers and a wraparound porch? Then Eddie thought about how that didn't matter at all. What did matter was what kind of girl you are- who you are.
Eddie had decided that day outside of the bookstore that even though he knew nothing about you, he liked you- a lot. Even though you had barely met, barely spoken. None of it mattered. What mattered was that your presence and the air that you had given off had made him feel comfortable- like he did know you. Like he always had. He had never felt like that before- like he could trust. But after days of you invading his every thought, he had finally lucked out.
He was unknowingly biking through your neighborhood, barely paying attention when he spotted a familiar flash of color as he zoomed by. There, lying on its side in the green grass of somebody's front lawn was a bike- a candy-red Schwinn. The same bike that you rode. The one that he had complimented. No one else in Hawkins seemed to have a bike like that.
Eddie's gaze quickly wanders up towards the front of the house, and his heart almost stops. There you were, lounging on the front porch with a book in your hand as you read quietly. Not a care in the world. Then, at just the right second, your eyes flicker up from your pages- meeting his as if you were affected by some magnetic pull. It was you. Eddie was so fixated that he almost didn't see that he was seconds away from colliding right into one of your neighbor's mailboxes. At just the right time, he jerks his bike handles to avoid the collision- almost falling off of the bike before he regained his balance.
He braked, firmly planting his feet on the ground as he whips his head back towards your house where you sat on your front porch. You had seen everything. How fucking embarrassing. But you didn't laugh. No, instead, you had raised your hand up to wave- greeting him. If Eddie wasn't dying of mortification, he would've waved back but he felt like a total complete loser for almost biffing it not only in front of you but in the middle of the street- potentially causing damages to your neighbor's mailbox that Wayne would never stop nagging about.
He didn't wave. Instead, he righted himself on his bike- pushing off with his foot as he tried to continue down the street like nothing had happened. But Eddie wasn't mad that it had happened and that he potentially made himself look foolish. If anything, he's glad that it happened because now he knew where you lived- and it was only a stone's throw away from him.
ââââââââ
Unbeknownst to Eddie, you had thought about him too- somehow even more with each day that passed. It had been almost two weeks since the mailbox fiasco and you had barely seen him around. You craved contact of any kind. You wanted to keep this interesting little ping-pong game between you two going. So, you went to Walden Books and purchased the third Lord of the Rings book- The Return of the King.
You had decided that same night that you would drop it off just as you had with the first book and leave it on his porch. This time, though, you were going to be brave enough to leave another Post-it note inside with your name signed at the end. Maybe you were ready for him to finally know who you were- your name, at least.
You biked through the Forest Hills Trailer Park, peddling towards his trailer that's windows were lit up with a calming yellow glow against the contrast of the darkening dusk sky. He was home. Inside doing whatever it was that Eddie Munson did with his time. You were so curious about him. What he was really like. His hobbies besides reading The Lord of the Rings. Anything that was more than what you currently already knew- which wasn't much.
You brake a few feet from the front stoop of the trailer, hopping off your bike as you put down the kickstand- book in your hand. After you dropped off this paperback, he would know who you were. He would know your name. It was a fact that was both frightening yet exhilarating.
You approach the trailer, feet shuffling towards the cement porch in preparation to drop the book and then bike off. But no. Fate apparently had other plans because right as you were preparing to set down the novel, the front door swings open to reveal a tall older man with a smooth bald patch at the top of his graying head. He had an equally gray beard and was dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a Carhartt jacket to brace the cool summer night air. He looked at you curiously, a lit cigarette burning in his hand.
"Oh!" He says, his eyes landing on you once he notices that you're there- lurking outside of his home "Hello. Somethin' I can do for ya?" You heart thumped nervously in your chest as you held the book close to it, staring down at the ground as you shook your head.
"You lost, darlin?" He asks. Wayne knew that you weren't from around Forest Hills. He rarely saw kids around the park so, when he did, he took stock in knowing who lived where and who their family was. You weren't one of them. Judging by the nice bike, Wayne could tell that you probably lived in one of the nicer houses in town.
"No, sir." You croak, shaking your head again "I...I brought this." You pull the book away from your chest, showing it to Wayne who looks at it questoningly. "It's for Eddie."
"Really now?" Wayne asks, a smile lighting up his face. There was a girl here....for his nephew. "Ain't that nice of you. Y'know, Eddie hadn't mentioned you. Wonder why." Wayne laughs, poking fun at his nephew as he assumed that Eddie had found himself a little crush in town that he was too shy to tell him about. Wayne was going to have a lot of questions for his nephew over dinner tonight.
"Could you give it to him, please?" You practically stammer, your face burning with embarrassment and it was almost too sweet for Wayne to take. The tell-tale beginning of young first-love.
"Sure, darlin', but don't you wanna give it to him yourself?" Wayne offers "We're actually just about to have dinner. You could join us if you'd like. It would be nice to get to know one of Eddie's little friends."
Little friends.
Wayne Munson definitely thought this was more than what it actually was and you were far too shy and bashful to explain that it wasn't what it seemed.
"I'm sure he'd be happy to see you, and all." He adds "Eddie doesn't have friends over. I'm sure he'd be pleased to see you."
"Oh." You breathe "I...I actually have to get going, Mr. Munson. My parents don't like me out after dark."
"I see," Wayne says, a little disappointed "Well, I'll make sure he gets it then."
You shakily hand over the book, giving it to Wayne as he smiles at you. You had always heard around town that Wayne Munson was a very nice man. You were glad that the rumors were true.
"Thank you, sir." You say.
"No problem, darlin'." He replies, "I'll tell Eddie you stopped by."
You give one last nod before turning around and walking back towards your bike, popping up the kickstand as you mounted it. You kick off, peddling down the Munson's driveway without looking back. As you rode off through the dusk, Wayne watched you- intrigued.
What a sweet girl...
ââââââââ
After washing up for dinner, Eddie walks into the kitchen area of the trailer- prepared to sit down across from his uncle and enjoy a family dinner together on his day off. Family dinners with Wayne were starting to become rare due to his shifting work hours so Eddie knew how important it was to join his uncle at the table whenever he could- to bond, as Wayne would say. But as Eddie prepares to slip into his seat at the table, he is met with the presence of a paperback book sitting next to his plate. A brand-new copy of The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien. His heart almost stops.
"Where'd this come from?" Eddie asks, grabbing the book in his hands as he turns it over. The last time he received a book, it was mysteriously left for him on the porch. Now there was another one on the dinner table.
"Oh," Wayne says, looking over his shoulder as he pulls out a can of beer from the fridge "One of your friends left it for you. Asked me to give it to you."
Friend?
"Who....who was it?" Eddie asks cautiously, looking up at his uncle that took his seat at the table.
"Dunno." Wayne shrugs "Didn't tell me her name."
Her?
"What did she look like?" Eddie prods, needing to know all of the details immediately. A girl had left him a book. Maybe this girl had left him the first one as well.
"She was shy. Didn't speak much. She seemed like a peach, son. Very pretty too. Didn't even know you were friends with a girl."
He wasn't.
"She didn't say anything else?" Eddie pushes, trying to get even just a crumb of an idea of who you could be.
"Nah, not really. Just gave me that book and hopped on her lil red bike. Took off outta here like she was racin' for the Indy 500."
Lil red bike.
"She had a red bike?" Eddie asks, dying for his uncle's confirmation.
"Yeah. Nice one too. Hadn't seen one like that around here."
Neither had Eddie. Not until almost two weeks ago outside of Walden Books. A candy-red Schwinn. He only knew of one person with a red bike in town- you.
It had to be.
ââââââââ
Later that night, Eddie was lying in bed- staring at the ceiling as his mind replayed that interaction with you outside of the bookstore. You and your little red bike. You had known his name without him introducing himself. Itâs had to be you. Who else could it be? And why?
Maybe Tommy Hagan and Jason Carver put you up to this. Maybe it was all just a long-winded prank that just kept going on for weeks just for the fun of it. But were those two jockstraps even smart enough to craft a plan that detailed? Eddie didnât think so. They were more the type of bullies to push you down a flight of stairs or shove you into a school locker. They didnât have enough brain cells for anything past that level of cruelty.
After over an hour of staring at his bedroom walls, Eddie decided to flip on his bedside lamp. Maybe reading will help him shut his mind off enough for him to hopefully drift off. He grabs for the copy of The Return of the King, opening to the first page when he is met with a bright pink Post-it note in girly scrawl.
Eddie,
I saw this at the bookstore and thought of you. I hope you enjoy it. Maybe one day you can tell me what itâs about.
P.S. Sorry for not checking to see if you were okay when you almost ran into that mailbox. I wanted to ask but I was too nervous.
And to Eddieâs excitement, at the bottom of the message was a tiny doodle of a heart right next to a name. A girlâs name- your name.
Eddie finally knew your name. Now he was certain that he could never forget it.
ââââââââ
At the beginning of August every summer, Hawkins Middle School hosted a week-long day camp for their student body to get together and meet new people before the beginning of the school year. The school faculty, for some reason, believed that it was a good opportunity to set students up to succeed and find out where they fit in. This was Eddieâs third year attending and he never made friends at any of them. It was always a bust. So, what made this year any different?
You, on the other hand, had never been to anything like it. All of your past schools in your hometown couldnât care less about helping you âbranch out and spread your wings.â They barely cared if you passed your classes, most of the time. Hawkins Middle was clearly veryâŠ.different.
The first day of Hawkins Day-Camp was a glorified âschool danceâ in the humid, stuffy gymnasium where they played shitty music and served grocery store cookies and watered-down fruit punch. It gave off the vibes of junior bible study more than a party. Of course, attending this thing wasnât your idea- and it wasnât Eddieâs either. You both had been goaded to attend to try and âmake friends!â which really just resulted in the both of you sitting like lumps on a log on opposite sides of the gym. Neither of you knowing that the other was on the other side- just as miserable.
You werenât sure of the dress code. Since it was a âparty,â your mom insisted on dragging you down to the nearest Mervynâs and picking out a dress for the occasion. It was a dress that you hated. It was easily the most garishly ugly thing youâve ever seen in your life. It was a very unpleasant floral print party dress in a disgusting shade of yellow.
To make matters worse, it was adorned with the most outrageously puffy sleeves. It looked more like a church girlâs Sunday-Best than a party dress. You felt absolutely ridiculous. How were you expected to make friends when you were standing there dressed like Big Bird?
You stood with your back against the wall, sipping slowly from a red solo cup of shitty fruit punch. Or maybe it was sugar-free Flavor-Aid? You werenât sure. You just knew that it was the saddest beverage youâve ever consumed in your life as you watched hoards of other girls your age mingle- squealing about what they had done over summer. Trips to Lake Michigan or Disneyland or road trips to the Grand Canyon. Things that cool girls did. Nothing like your sad summer on your front porch reading Pride & Prejudice for the third time in a row.
Eddie, on the other hand, was just as miserable. He was dressed in what his uncle called a ânice shirt.â Which really just meant ânot a band tee.â He wore his nicest pants without holes in the knees. Before Wayne could catch him, he slipped out of the trailer with his newly DIYâd denim battle vest- covered in patches of his favorite metal bands. If he was going to come to this stupid dance thing, he was going to come as himself- not anyone else.
He watched as groups of pretty girls talked amongst themselves or giggled to each other about the cute boys in their grade. How they were already excited for the winter formal. A dance that Eddie wouldnât dare be caught dead at. As he people-watched from the sidelines, he sipped his shitty punch and reflected on how he managed to get mixed up into a group like this. Everyone was so aggressively normal. Lost little sheep being lead to the slaughter that was âconformity.â How fucking depressing.
He looked around. Everyone wore the same shit- the same brand of âtrendyâ clothes. Everyoneâs hair was the same. Everyone was sporting fucking Keds, for godâs sake. There wasnât a single soul in this entire gymnasium that seemed to have any sort of creativity- any mind of their own untilâŠ.
There was you.
From the other side of the overly floor-waxed room, was a flash of yellow. As bright as the sun as glimpses of your ugly dress poked through the bodies of yours and Eddieâs peers.
You.
Lil red bike girl.
After he had received your last book, Eddie hadnât seen you. Just like before, he looked everywhere for you and your red bike but ended up with nothing. That was over a week ago. Now, here you were. Right there in the same place as him once again. But this time, he knew what he hadnât known then. That you were his secret admirer (if he could call it that), that you were the person behind the kind words in your handwritten notes. Best of all, he knew your name.
You looked just as cute as he remembered.
No, Eddie thought, you looked even cuter.
You practically stood with your back against the wall, dressed in a yellow party dress that was littered with an aggressively floral print. The sleeves were far too puffy for their own good, almost swallowing his view of your face.
But, behind those sleeves, was a face he couldnât forget. You looked pretty- real pretty. Not in the way that other girls in this same gym looked. No, you werenât trendy. You looked classic. Effervescent, even. While you probably looked meek and shy to the other people surrounding you, Eddie could sense that it wasnât the full truth. No, you were a force- everyone simply just didnât know it yet.
Your hair was down and styled in soft curls, pinned back with what he was sure was a heap of Bobby pins in order to keep the shape. On your face was a small sweep of pink blush and a subtle coat of mascara. Not too much. Even though Eddie thought that you didnât need it at all. You were pretty just the way you were. Just as you are.
Before Eddie knew it, he didnât realize that his feet had already been carrying him toward you. Closer and closer towards where you stood- as if you were on a distant, deserted island that he wanted to charter. He didnât know what had come over him but he was moving on pure instinct. His mind didnât know what to do. His brain didnât know what to do. But his body did. His body was telling him to be right next to yours. As if thatâs where he belonged this entire time.
As if by grace, coincidence, or the earth working its magic- you turn your head and you look at him. Really look at him. Eddieâs heart began to pound in his chest. You were looking at him. You could see him- and, god, it felt good to be seen.
His journey to you never faltered. He kept walking, vehement on closing the gap between you. The gap that had only grown wider that whole summer. He didnât want there to be any distance between you anymore. He was ready to know you.
âHey, freak!â
Eddie was so zoned in on you that he didnât see Tommy Hagan swoop in and block his way, causing Eddie to stop in his tracks and meet the gaze of the menacing boy in front of him.
âWhere do you think youâre going?â
Eddie looks up, eyes landing on you and then back on Tommy. Great, just great. Eddie just stood there.
âAre you listening, freak?â Tommy laughs âI said where do you think youâre going?â
Eddie froze, his body locking up and tensing in the spot where he stood.
âNowhere.â Eddie whispers, looking down at his boots as Tommy grins wickedly. Out of all the times for Tommy Hagan to pick shit with himâŠ
âDoesnât seem like nowhere.â Tommy taunts, jutting forward to shove Eddie in the chest. Eddie sways backwards before regaining balance. Even with Tommy standing directly in front of him, he could catch a glimpse of you from behind him- watching. You were seeing everything. Just like everyone else in the gymnasium was.
âWhatâs wrong, freak?â Tommy laughs âYou scared? You worried everyoneâs going to see me make a fool out of you?â
Thatâs when it hit Eddie- no, Tommy Hagan wasnât going to make a fool out of him. Not in front of you.
In a split second, Eddieâs body was reacting before his mind could catch up. Still holding his red solo cup full of punch, he tilts the cup back and then juts it forward- splashing the liquid right into Tommy Haganâs face.
The collective gasp that echoed throughout the gym was deafening. Eddie just stood there, his now-empty cup still in his hand as Tommy Hagan reaches down for the hem of his shirt- pulling it up to try and wipe the spilt drink from his face. Eddie was in shock. Probably more in shock than everyone else in that room. When Tommy Hagan finally open his eyes, he gives Eddie the most spine-chilling stare imaginable.
âYouâre dead, Munson.â
Eddie drops the empty cup onto the floor, immediately turning heel and running- his boots carrying him to the exit as fast as they can go as Tommy Hagan follows after him, hot on his heels.
Well, Eddie thought, hereâs another new way for me to get my ass kicked.
ââââââââ
Eddie burst through the doors of the gym and out into the hot summer air as he continues to run away from Tommy Hagan who was hot on his trail. Eddie was so screwed.
âGet back here, you fucking freak!â Tommy seethes âYouâre so fucking dead!â
Eddie continues running, cutting through the schoolâs front lawn as he was being chased. He didnât know where he was going. He had no destination. He just wanted to get away from Tommy and prevent himself from getting pummeled. But, suddenly, Eddie felt the weight of something wrap around his legs and the next thing he knew, he was tumbling to the ground.
Eddie hits the ground hard as Tommy Hagan tackles him, working to straddle Eddie and grab two handfuls of his shirt as he pulls Eddie up to get into his face.
âYou think that shit was funny, freak? You-â
âStop! Leave him alone!â
It was a feminine voice. Sharp and loud as it bellowed out behind them. Following right after was the sound of someone running. Eddie was wincing from the anticipation of Tommy Hagan preparing to punch him in the face- so much so that he didnât realize who the voice was coming from until he felt the force of Tommyâs body completely shift off of him.
âWhat the fuck do you think youâre doing?â
Eddie opens his eyes to find you, towering above him after you had grabbed Tommy Hagan by the collar of his shirt and yanked him back with all of your might. Eddie had never seen anything like it.
âI said leave him alone!â You shout, glaring down Tommy with a stare that could melt steel. Tommy Hagan had finally taken shit too far. But you learn pretty quickly that he still wasnât done.
Tommy hops up from where you had dragged him, getting into his feet as he begins to charge at you like a bull. Eddieâs heart immediately drops into the pit of his stomach. Tommy Hagan could fuck with him all day. He could shove him, punch him, push him into his locker, or beat his ass any day of the week but fucking with you? That was where Eddie drew the fucking line.
Eddie scrambles to his feet, lunging at Tommy as he tries to go after you. Eddie yanks him back again which puts Tommy in the middle of a standoff between you and Eddie. Two-on-One.
âYou want some, Munson?â Tommy snarls but before Tommy could face him, you lift up your right leg and swing it directly in-between Tommy Haganâs legs- kicking him right in the balls. Eddieâs mouth drops open in shock as Tommy Hagan drops to his knees onto the hard ground beneath him, grasping onto his penis.
âYou fucking bitch!â He wheezes, groaning out as he writhed in pain. You just stood above him and watched- satisfied.
Eddie walks over, stopping in front of Tommy before balling up his first and punching him right in the nose- causing Tommy to yelp again in pain.
âThatâs for calling her a bitch.â Eddie states clearly, clenching his jaw.
Eddie turns to you, watching as you peered away from Tommy to lock eyes with him.
âWe should probably get outta here.â He glances off to the bike rack where both of your bicycles sat. You nod.
ââââââââ
The both of you walked your bikes along the sidewalk as you started on your way home. Neither of you spoke, too nervous to say anything. It was finally Eddie who broke the silence.
âThanks.â He says, looking over at you as you walked your candy-red Schwinn beside him. âYou helping me. Not that you, like, had to or anything.â
âI wanted to.â You say, your voice firm as you look over at Eddie âThat guy was a total dick. Does he always act like that?â
Eddie didnât expect the hot-headed temper to come out of you, taking him by surprise but also leaving him with a smirk. There wasnât much that he knew about you yet but you were clearly passionate with how you felt.
âYeah.â Eddie says âThatâs just how he is. Heâs always been a dickwad.â
âYeah, well, he fucking sucks.â You spit out, causing Eddieâs smile to widen.
âI concur.â
âWell, he better think twice about doing it again.â You threaten âNext time Iâll kick him even harder. I didnât even do it that hard and he folded like a little bitch.â
âEasy there, tiger.â Eddie snorts, causing you to whip your head over to him and glare.
âIâm serious.â You state.
âOh, I know.â Eddie laughs âIf I were Tommy Hagan, I would definitely learn my lesson not to fuck with you.â
âGood. That was the point.â
âWellâŠpoint well made.â
The conversation died into a long silence. All Eddie could think about was keeping you talking. He couldnât let you go home without solidifying whatever this was between the two of you. He needed to ensure that this was going to go farther than this. That he would be able to talk to you again.
âCan I ask you something?â He says, finally letting himself be brave for a moment.
âWhat?â
âThe books. Whyâd you leave them for me?â It was a question that had haunted him for several weeks.â
ââŠ.I donât know.â You answer. It might have sounded like a cop-out to Eddie but it was the honest truth. You didnât know why you did it other than you wanted to. âI just wanted to, okay? I wanted to do something nice.â
ââŠLike, you wanted to do something nice just because? Or you wanted to do something nice because you feel sorry for me?â Eddie drops, afraid of the latter being the answer you gave. You just looked at him as if he wasnât making any sense.
âWhy would I feel sorry for you?â You blink, taking Eddie aback.
âBecause I-â
âBecause you donât fit in, youâre really fucking weird, and you have no friends?â You question, raising an eyebrow.
âUm, yeah. I guess?â Eddie replies. Were you insulting him? Right after you just saved him from getting his ass kicked?
âWell, in that case, shouldnât you feel sorry for me too then?â You pose the question.
âOh please.â Eddie challenges âYouâre trying to tell me that you donât have any friends?â
âBelieve it or not, Munson, but I donât. Not since I moved here. Not like I really need friends anyway. I just keep to myself and keep my head down. Just like you do. But I know how lonely it gets. I get it. Thatâs why I did it, okay?â
Eddie could tell that the subject you had embarked on was a touchy one- yet, he was satisfied with what you had said. It wasnât much but it spoke volumes because he understood. You were right, he knew what it was like to be lonely. He didnât push for more. He was grateful enough for that. Instead, he responded with what felt right.
âWell, you have one now.â Eddie states, looking at you with his brown eyes that made your heart skip a beat.
âI have what now?â You ask.
âA friend.â He explains âWeâre friends now. Because I said so. Okay?â
You look back at him, searching for traces of disingenuousness in his statement. There werenât any.
âSure.â You nod once âOkay.â
The short silence that followed was comfortable this time. Like it was decided right then so that was that.
âCan I tell you something, by the way?â He asks
âWhat?â
âI like your dress.â You say, his eyes taking in the way that the hem billowed around your thighs as you walked beside him. You gave him a sour face.
âThis thing?â You ask in disgust âYouâre joking, right?â
âI think it looks nice.â He shrugs âI like the marigolds.â
âThe what?â
âThe flowers.â He points out âOn your dress.â
âOh.â You reply, softly âWellâŠ.I like your hair.â
Eddieâs face immediately lights up.
âYeah?â He asks, removing one of his hands off of his handlebars to run his fingers through his curls âIâve, uh, been growing it out. Iâm trying to let it get long, you know. Like the guys in Judas Priest.â
âWhatâs Judas Priest?â You ask, immediately making Eddie stop in his tracks. He began staring at you as if you were an alien.
âYouâve never heard of Judas Priest?â He asks, mouth practically agape.
âNuh-uh.â You answer, kind of feeling embarrassed. Were you supposed to know who they were?
âAlright.â Eddie says matter-of-factly âFirst rule of business, Marigold, is that Iâm going to introduce to my music. The good shit. Otherwise, we canât be friends.â
Eddie was totally spitting bullshit. He would still want to be your friend even if you listened to fucking New Kids On The Block and ass-kissed Gloria Estefan. He was all talk.
âAs a matter of fact, I just so happen to have a fine collection of their cassette tapes.â He states.
âIs that so?â You play along, indulging him.
âWe could, yâknow, go hang out at my house and listen to them. If you want. My uncleâs with his fishing buddies until later tonight. We could blast music as loud as we want. Yâknow, if you want to.â He offers.
âOkay.â You say, not even giving it a second thought.
âWait. Really?â Eddie asks, surprised.
âSure.â You reply âI mean, you did say that we canât be friends unless I listen to your music.â
Yeah, Eddie thought. But I wasnât being serious.
All Eddie could hear in the back of his head was Wayneâs voice nagging him for the past few weeks to clean up his room. Now he was wishing that heâd listened.
âOkay.â Eddie says, trying to play cool. But he wasnât cool. Inside of his head he was doing backflips. The girl he had been overly-fascinated with almost all summer was agreeing to hang out with him- to be friends.
Maybe Eddieâs luck was finally starting to turn around.
ââââââââ
As Wayne Munson arrive home from a long day of drinking beer and fishing, he was met with the loud rumbling of his nephewâs cassette tapes. Wayne didnât really care much for Eddieâs music but he let the kid express himself, wanting him to always have a sense of individuality. What Wayne did mind was potential noise complaints from the neighbors.
He kicked off his boots near the front door, his eyes catching sight on an extra pair of shoes. There were his boots, Eddieâs pair of thrifted black combat boots, and a mysterious pair of white strappy sandals. Huh.
Wayne sets his fishing pole against the wall by the door as he makes his way down the hall to Eddieâs room where the sounds of electric guitars and loud bass-heavy riffs flowed from the crack left open in the door. He hears the sound of his nephewâs voice talking. Also odd.
âHave you ever heard of Black Sabbath?â
âIs that the one with that guy with the accent?â
Wayne could hear a feminine voice speak back. A girl. His nephew had a girl over.
âYeah, thatâs Ozzy Osborne. He-â
The sound of Wayne knocking on the open door caused Eddie to stop mid sentence, grabbing both of your attention as you looked at the older man in the doorway.
âHey, son. Just wanted to let you know that Iâm home.â He says slowly, looking over towards you âWhoâs this?â
After you introduced yourself to Wayne, properly this time, his face spreads into a smile.
âWell, itâs nice to officially meet ya, darlinâ.â He nods, his expression warm âI see Eddie here has already started to talk your ear off about his music.â
âWayne.â Eddie groans, cutting the old man a look.
âSorry, right.â Wayne jokes âForgot that your music was a sore subject.â He surveys your yellow dress and smiles. You looked darling.
âSo, how did the day-camp go?â Wayne asks âAny fun?â
You and Eddie both look at each other and shrug, both of your faces breaking into a knowing smile over the incident that bonded you.
âNah.â You smirk âNot really.â From the corner of his eye, he caught the way that his nephew looked at you. It was subtle and happened in a blink but Wayne caught it. He knew that look all too well. He smiles.
âShould I assume that youâll be stayinâ for dinner, darlinâ?â
You look over at Eddie, gauging his reaction as he nodded. Wayne could see that the two of you had already established a form of nonverbal communication. This was sure to be trouble. A very welcome kind of trouble but trouble nonetheless.
âIs that okay?â Eddie asks, his eyes pleading.
âSure. Hope ya like fish though. The buddies and I caught the motherlode today.â
And as Wayne began to launch into a story from that afternoon, Eddie watched you in wonder. How you engaged with his uncle and acted as if his silly old fishing stories were some of the most interesting things youâve ever heard. Eddie watched the way your lips formed into a smile or the enthusiastic way that you asked questions.
He looked at your face as he admired all of the little details that he could finally see up close. A freckle near your nose, the hint of a dimple that formed in your cheek as you laughed, the curl of your eyelashes. How soft your hair looked. Eddie couldnât look away. Nor did he want to. He began to wonder how the universe hadnât brought you together sooner. How it was cruel that it took thirteen years for you to finally come into his life. To finally be given the companionship that he had longed for. The Samwise to his Frodo. But Eddie couldnât complain. You were friends now and thatâs all that mattered.
ââââââââ
September 1979
You sat in the back of the bus, waiting patiently as it stopped in front of the Forest Hills Trailer Park. It was the first day of school and you had saved Eddie a seat- just like you said you would. Your Walkman was out and ready with two pairs of headphones plugged in. The beginning of a years-long tradition.
Eddie bounds up the stairs of the bus, standing at the other end of the aisle near the bus driver as he peered down the rows of seats, undoubtedly searching for you. Once he found you, his face lit up with joy. Even though he had seen you only just the day before as he sketched out a map of Hawkins Middle School- telling you the best routes to each class and revealing all of the secrets he had found out during the two years that he had attended before his now eighth-grade year.
Eddie walks down the aisle, his eyes still on you fully as he approaches you. Sitting down next to you was all that he cared about. He was so blinded by the need to be reunited with you that he didnât even notice the way that the other kidâs eyes followed him as he walked past.
âHey you.â He greets, smiling as he plops down in the spot you had saved for him.
âMunson.â You tease, smiling back as you shyly tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. Even though you and Eddie had spent practically every single day together for the remainder of the summer, you still found yourself becoming nervous around him.
âAlright, what are you in the mood for?â He asks, digging through his backpack for some cassette tapes.
âHmâŠâ you hum as if youâre deep in thought âSurprise me.â
"Iron Maiden, it is then, m'lady." He grins, whipping the cassette tape out of his bag.
"Ew." You wrinkle your nose in faux-disgust "Do you really have to call me that? Like, is it necessary?"
"Does it annoy you?" He asks, a smirk on his face.
"Yes." You lie.
"Then yes. I absolutely do....m'lady." He hands you the cassette tape as you snatch it from him jokingly. Eddie could see the smile on your face as you popped in the tape and handed him the extra pair of headphones. His hand brushes against yours in a way that sent a shiver down your spine. You try to ignore it, pressing play on your Walkman as you slid on the headphones.
Just as you began to focus on the song, the bus unexpectedly breaks, causing you to jolt forward. Eddie's fast reflexes kick in, his hands immediately flying to your waist as he grasps onto you- holding you back so that you didn't smash into the back of the seat in front of you.
Your breath catches as the bus comes to a stop at a traffic light, giving you to chance to recover. However, your heart was beating so hard and so fast that it felt like you never would recover. Especially with Eddie's hands wrapped around your waist protectively- holding you close. What you didn't know was that Eddie was freaking out just as much as you were.
He was touching you. Holy shit.
"Are you okay?" He asks, trying to prevent his hands from shaking as they held you. He hoped you couldn't feel it. It would be a dead giveaway that he was literally malfunctioning by being this close to you.
"Yeah," You nod, voice small and meek "I'm okay."
"Okay, yeah. Good. I'm glad you're okay."
Eddie's hands linger there for just a second too long before he finally removes them from your waist. But as soon as he did, he felt empty, somehow. He clears his throat, adjusting him body on the seat and he leans back against it- trying to steady his nervous heartbeat.
He had touched you and he liked it.
But he was your friend. Friends don't touch friends that way. At least, they're not supposed to- and they're not supposed to like it. This was a dilemma.
You on the other hand, felt self-conscious. You were suddenly hyper-aware of your developing tween body. So many times during that summer you had stood in front of your bedroom mirror and picked apart every single little thing about yourself and your body. How you thought you nose was slightly crooked, your teeth weren't perfect, the size of your newly-growing breasts, the way your hair looked- but, especially, your stomach. Your waist. Your thighs.
Soon, all you could think about was how fast Eddie had seemed to jerk his hands away from you. How weird he had acted. Maybe he felt something that he didn't like? Did he think you weren't thin enough? Was he disgusted by it? God, this was so fucking embarrassing. You didn't know if you could ever look at him again without wondering if he thought you were unattractive.
Eddie, on the other hand, was trying to fight against the sudden blood flow that was heading south of his body.
Please no...please no...please no.
He immediately grabs his backpack that sat on the floor beside his feet. He pulls it into his lap, trying to think about something else. Anything else. Literally any...fucking...thing...else.
As the two of you sat on that bus for the rest of the ride, neither of you spoke. Neither of you looked at each other- both of you too embarrassed, self-conscious, and absolutely mortified to make eye contact. Not even small bits of awkward small talk- and absolutely neither of you even dared to mention how the song that you had both been listening to had ended five minutes ago.
ââââââââ
December 1979
"Hey, darlin'! Merry Christmas."
Wayne opens the door for you as you step into the trailer, carrying your Christmas gift to Eddie in your gloved hands.
"You didn't walk here, did ya?" He asks, peeking through the window for any sign of your parent's car retreating down the driveway. You shrug.
"It's not a far walk." You say as if it's no big deal.
"Darlin', it's almost below zero outside. You mean to tell me that you walked all the way here in sub-degree weather just to see my nephew?" Wayne teases.
This was nothing new for Wayne. He always teased. Always poked and prodded. Even when Eddie would constantly swear to him that there was nothing going on between the two of you. Wayne knew better though. He'd been around the block long enough to see young love when it was right in front of him. Especially when Eddie had begged him since mid-October for an increase on his allowance.
At first, Wayne just thought he wanted to buy more manuals for that damn game that he had recently become so interested in. But it wasn't until a couple weeks ago, when Eddie asked him for a ride to the nearest camera store that he realized just what Eddie had planned to do with that money.
Eddie steps out of his bedroom just as you kicked off your snow boots. After hanging up your winter jacket on the coat rack, Eddie got to see what you were wearing. A cute little black skirt layered on top of a pair of white cable knit stocking tights. On the top you wore a gaudy knitted Christmas sweater that was adorned with little bells that jingled when you moved. On the front was a big Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Eddie swore that this was the cutest that you have ever looked. Dorky but sweet. Cute. No, not cute. Fucking adorable. How could someone be wearing the world's ugliest fucking sweater and look like a literal Christmas angel sent from above.
You catch him staring which immediately makes you self-conscious. You knew you should have changed. He probably thought you looked like a total dweeb.
"Sorry, I should've changed." You wince "I look stupid, don't I? I just got done visiting my nanna and she knits....sweaters....really ugly sweaters but yeah."
But, unbeknownst to you, Eddie was so glad that you hadn't changed. He loved your dorky sweater. He looked how cute you looked. He loved you.
"No, I like it." He says "It suits you."
You immediately narrow your eyes. "You calling me ugly, Munson."
"What? No, I- You....You look- Wait, no-"
"Don't finish that sentence, son." Wayne interjects, watching from the kitchen as he sipped from a cup of coffee. "As a man, I'll tell ya that you're just gonna end up screwing it up and get yourself into worse trouble."
"Okay!" Eddie replies hastily, changing the subject "Time for presents? Yeah? Sound good? Presents sound nice. How about I go first? Be right back. Byeeee!"
You raise your eyebrows at Wayne, silently questioning what was going on with his nephew. Wayne just shrugs.
"Ya got me beat there, darlin'. Ya know I ain't never had an inkling of an idea of what's wrong with that boy."
"Hm." You say "You think it's drugs?"
Wayne lets out a laugh. "Goddamn, I hope not but it sure would make a lotta sense."
"Got it!" Eddie exclaims, emerging from his bedroom with a gift wrapped box in his hands. He hurries into the living room and plops himself onto the couch, looking over at you and Wayne as you stay rooted in the kitchen. "You gonna come over here?"
You obey Eddie's request, walking into the living room with your gift in your hands as you sit beside him on the couch.
"Alright," Eddie says, "Mine first. Open it. I demand it."
"So eager." You laugh.
"Yeah, well, I've been waiting to give it to you for ages." He smiles "Can't wait to see your face."
You trade gifts, taking each other's into your hands as you place it down on your lap.
"Okay, open it." He pushes "Open, open, open!"
"Alright, alright! Sheesh." You giggle "I'm opening the damn present."
You gingerly begin to take off the wrapping paper. To Eddie's horror, you're doing it neatly.
"Jesus Christ, are you trying to preserve it?" He snorts.
"This is how I open presents!" You explain "My mom saves the wrapping paper."
"Well, we don't so rip it!" Eddie exclaims "I'm dying here."
You finally just listen to him and rip the paper off of the gift, revealing a box. You turn it over, looking at the front. It was an instant Polaroid camera. Your face immediately lights up with joy and the sight of it warms Eddie's heart.
"Is that the right one?" He asks "A few months ago, you said you had always wanted one but your parents never let you. Because they were too expensive."
"You remembered that?" You whisper, your throat thick with tears as you tried to hold them back.
"Of course I remembered." He says. As if it were obvious.
"Eddie, I-" You mumble, trying to hold back the emotion in your voice "This is too much. I can't accept this."
"Yeah, well, that's too bad." He says nonchalantly "I knew you'd say that so I threw away the receipt. Whoopsies. Uh-oh. Now you have to keep it."
"You little shit." You reply, shaking your head as your eyes well with tears "Thank you, Eddie."
"Of course, sweetheart." He grins.
Sweetheart. He had called you sweetheart.
You try to hide your bashfulness. But Wayne could see it clearly from where he stood in the kitchen- smiling into his coffee cup.
Young love...
"Okay," You say "Your turn. Open mine."
"Okay." Eddie nods, looking down at the gift in his lap. He begins to gently take the paper off as you stare in horror.
"What are you doing?"
"What?" He laughs "You said that you save the paper."
"Oh shut up, Munson. Just open it, will ya?"
He smiles at your insistence, ripping it off to find a plain brown box. He grabs at the flaps, opening them up to reveal a brand-new leather journal, two packages of guitar strings, and a mason jar full of multi-colored guitar picks.
"Wait." Eddie says, trying to make sense of the items "I don't..."
He looks at you as he notices you stare off towards Wayne who just grins at you before retreating towards the small closet in the back of the trailer that was used for storage. He returns with something in a huge, gift-wrapped box, setting it down gently at Eddie's feet.
"This one is a two-parter." He explains to Eddie before smiling at you "Your girl and I sorta coordinated."
Eddie just stares between you and Wayne- dumbfounded.
"You gonna open it, son?" Wayne teases "Or are ya gonna wait until next Christmas?"
Eddie obeys, sinking down onto the carpet as he wraps the large gift- opening up the large box to find a B.C. Rich NJ Warlock electric guitar with a red and black crackle painted finish. It was candy red. The same color as your bicycle. Eddie just stared. Speechless. For once in Eddie Munson's life, he was completely speechless.
"Do you like it?" You ask, watching as Eddie malfunctioned. He had been talking non-stop about wanted an electric guitar for as long as you've known him and, for Wayne, as long as Eddie had learned to speak.
"Darlinâ helped me pick it out for ya." Wayne adds "Didn't know what youâd like so I let her take the lead. I thought she did a pretty damn good job. What dâya think, son?"
Eddie looks over at you, his expression unreadable until he opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Not matter how hard he tried. There was so much that he could say but his brain and his voice refused to work in tandem. All he could do was stare at you, a look in his eyes that Wayne hadnât seen from his nephew since his mother died.
Love.
Pure, true love.
Eddie lunged for you, pulling you close as he enveloped you in a bone-crushing hug. He buried his face in your neck, his heart racing as he smelled your familiar scent- vanilla body wash and strawberry shampoo. It was so...you. Eddie didn't want to forget the way that you smell. He wanted to remember this. He wanted to remember this moment that he was sure would be the happiest of his life. His favorite memory. When he would remember you, he wanted to always remember you this way.
"Ed, I think you're crushing her, son." Wayne pipes in.
"Oh, shit, sorry." Eddie replies, pulling away from you even though he didn't want to. God, he didn't want to let you go. He wanted to stay just like this. Wrapped around you, breathing you in. His Christmas angel. No, his every day angel.
Before Eddie completely let you go, he cups your face in his hands- looking at you with so much love. So much care and adoration. He adored you. He adored you in a way that he never thought he could ever feel for anyone.
"This means so much to me." He whispers, low enough for only you to hear. Not even Wayne who desperately wanted to know. But he knew to just butt out of it. He wouldn't want to ruin what was clearly a very important moment for his (obviously love-struck) nephew.
To your surprise, Eddie suddenly leans in- planting a gentle kiss to your forehead. Your stomach felt like it was bursting full of butterflies as he pulled away, letting go of your face. Your face felt warm where he had kissed you. Where his hands once were. Your whole body felt warm. A beautiful kind of warm.
"I don't know how to thank you." He says, staring at you with those pretty, brown puppy dog eyes of his.
"Well," You say, nervously clearing your throat "Guess you'll just have to play me some songs then. Whenever I want."
Eddie smiles. "Okay." He nods "I can do that. Anytime. Anything you want."
"Even Rick Springfield?" You joke, causing Eddie to give you an unamused look.
"Don't push it, sweetheart."
ââââââââ
Spring 1980
ââŠ.and Ronnie had this really sick idea that I add in a guitar solo to the middle of the song weâre playing. I canât wait for you to meet her. Sheâs super rad. She plays drums. Sheâs probably the coolest girl on the planet. The way that sheâŠ.â
Your blood was boiling. You had been listening to Eddie drone on and on and on about his friend Ronnie. How she was sooo cool and soooo smart and sooo âfucking rad.â All you wanted to do was tell him to shut up. You were so sick of hearing about Ronnie fucking Ecker.
âThatâs great, Eddie.â You huff, trying not to roll your eyes as you continue walking down the sidewalk to your house. You figured that Eddie would continue to be too oblivious to notice how upset you were becoming but, to your surprise, he finally picked up on it after your fourth reprise of âthatâs great, Eddie.â He was starting to realize that things werenât âgreat.â
âHey, you okay?â He asks, searching your face that was set into a hard expression that he couldnât read but he knew were upset.
âIâm fine.â You grumble, your hands clenched into fists.
âAre you sure?â He questions âYou seem mad.â
âYeah, well, Iâm not, okay?â You snap, causing Eddie to raise his eyebrows.
âBut you seem-â
âI said Iâm fine!â You growl, catching Eddie off guard. Okay, you were definitely mad.
âHey, did I do something wrong?â He asks âIf I said something that-â
âIâve gotta go.â You cut him off, walking ahead of him to stomp across your front lawn. You would think that Eddie would catch a hint but he didnât. He just continued to follow you like an idiot.
âWait, I thought we were hanging out.â He asks, completely confused.
âYeah, well, I forgot that I have plans.â
âPlans? But I thought we had plans?â He pouts.
âWell, Iâm busy now.â You quip âMaybe your best friend Ronnie is free.â
Before Eddie could say anything, you open your front door, storming inside before slamming the door in his face.
Great. Now what did he do?
ââââââââ
It was the first ever fight that you and Eddie had ever had and he was completely lost. No matter how much he thought about it, he still couldnât figure out what he did wrong. Were you upset with him about Ronnie?
But why?
For three whole days, you had given him the cold shoulder. Every time he would speak to you, you would ignore him. Every time he sat down next to you on the school bus and said hi, you didnât say anything back- and it was breaking Eddieâs heart.
You still sat next to him on the bus and at lunch and in the very few classes you shared together but you never spoke to him. He tried to pass you notes but you just ignored them. Whatever it was that he did, he knew it wasnât good. All he wanted to do was fix it but he didnât know how. Things finally came to a head the day before the talent show.
You were standing at your locker, grabbing the textbooks that you needed for homework that night when he sidled up to you in the hallway.
âHey.â He says, voice small and nervous as he looks down at his shoes. You donât say anything back but he wasnât surprised
âCan you please just tell me why youâre mad?â He pleads âLike, what did I do? You just started treating me like an asshole out of nowhere for literally no reason.â
âFor no reason?â You scoff, your eyes narrowing at him âYou really canât see why Iâm mad?â
âNo.â He admits âI donât. But I wish you would tell me so that we can squash it. I donât like it when youâre mad at me. ItâsâŠ.it feels weird. Did I say something? Did I do something?â
âItâs fine.â You huff âIt doesnât matter.â
âIt does matter.â Eddie argues âIt matters to me. Youâre my best friend.â
The words âbest friendâ felt like a gut-punch after hearing him talk about how great some other girl was non-stop for weeks. Eddie was practically your only friend. It sucked that there was someone else that he really liked besides you. Maybe even romantically. The thought of Eddie having a crush on someone else was heart-wrenching.
âYou know what I hate about being your friend, Eddie?â You start, turning to look at him.
âUmâŠno?â He replies.
âI hate that youâre my only friend. I hate that I care about you more than you care about me.â
âHuh?â Eddie asks, completely dumbfounded âWhere is this coming from?â
âDonât worry about it.â You say âIâm sure you have a million other things to think about.â
ââŠ..OkayâŠ.â Eddie replies slowly, feeling as though he were walking on eggshells with you. That no matter what he said, he would just end up being wrong. âAre you at least coming to the talent show tomorrow?â
He looks at you with hopeful eyes as you stood in front of him, clutching your math textbook.
âI donât know.â You retort âMaybe. I might be busy.â
Eddie immediately felt as if he were a balloon that was rapidly deflating.
âOh.â He says âOkay. IâŠ.I thought that maybe youâd come. To see me play.â
He had been working really hard on his talent show performance with his newly-formed band Corroded Coffin. It was their first debut performance. He couldnât imagine performing for the first time without you being there to witness it. Especially when you were the reason why it was even possible for him to perform in the first place- the girl that picked out his guitar.
âWellâŠIâm not sure. I have after-school stuff.â You lie, trying to seem nonchalant.
âOh.â Eddieâs face drops.
âItâs not like you need me anyway.â You say âYou have your other friends. They seem to be way cooler than I am.â
You close the door of your locker, arms full of books as you look at Eddie who seemed to be completely defeated. Your stomach began to twist in guilt.
âBut Iâll see you around.â You say âGood luck tomorrow.â
ââââââââ
Unbeknownst to Eddie, you had decided to show up the next day. Even though you were upset with him, you didnât have the heart to miss his first performance. You found the closest seat that you could get to the stage, a small bouquet of red carnations in your hands.
You had spent all night thinking about Eddie and how much you missed him. The way he teased you, his stupid jokes, his hugs- just him. You didnât know why you were so upset with him in the first place. It was okay for Eddie to have other friends- even friends that were girls. So, why did it bother you so much?
But, back behind the stage curtain, Eddie was having a nervous breakdown.
âEddie, youâve gotta snap out of it and warm up otherwise weâre gonna sound like shit.â
Ronnie watches as Eddie paces backstage, his head going into overdrive as he tries not to have an episode. Other the past few days leading up to the talent show, he has grown more and more anxious about performing- about getting onstage in front of everyone and not only playing guitar but singing.
He had wanted to talk to you about it, hoping that it would ease his mind but you were so busy being mad at him that Eddie couldnât seem to get out of his own head. Now the anxiety had built and it was to the point where he didnât know if he could do it.
âI canât do it.â He murmurs, his hands shaking âI donât think I can play.â
âWhat do you mean you canât play?â Dougie asks, tuning his guitar âWeâve been practicing for weeks.â
âI know,â Eddie breathes out shakily âIâŠI canât. Everyoneâs gonna look at us. What if I fuck up?â
âEddie,â Ronnie replies âEverything is going to be okay. Just take a few breaths. Youâre ready. Weâve been practicing our asses off. Weâre gonna go out there and weâre gonna kick ass. Got it?â
But Eddie was too distracted. He wanders off to the wings, pulling the curtain back as he peeks out into the crowd. The auditorium wasnât packed full but there were a decent amount of people.
âF-fuckâŠ.â Eddie stammers, his stomach twisting in knots. Then his eyes do exactly what he had sworn himself not to do- he searched for you.
âIâm freaking out, Ronnie. Totally freaking out. What the fuck do I do?â Eddie panics.
Ronnie sidles up beside him, trying to talk some sense into him.
âEddie, close the curtain.â She demands âThatâs not going to help.â
âBut I need-â
âHeâs looking for his giiiirlfriend.â Dougie teases.
âSheâs not my girlfriend.â Eddie denies, his eyes still sweeping across the room.
âBullshit.â Dougie laughs.
âLeave him alone, Doug.â Ronnie replies, watching Eddie survey the crowd.
âDo you think sheâs coming?â She asks, raising an eyebrow.
âNo.â Eddie shakes his head âSheâs still mad at me.â
âWhat exactly did you do again?â Ronnie inquires.
âI donât even know.â Eddie groans âBut she wonât talk to me and sheâs probably not coming. I-â
âThere she is.â Dougie interjects, pointing to where you were seated in the third row- carnations in your lap as you sat in your seat. The best part? You were wearing that dress- the dress.
âMarigoldâŠâ Eddie whispers, his heart pounding in his chest as he looked at you- at how pretty you were.
âWait.â Ronnie pipes in, cranking her neck to get a better view âThatâs her?â
âYeah.â Eddie murmurs, mostly to himself as he admires you. The way that you wore your hair, how cute you looked in that dress that you hated but knew that he loved. His girl.
No, not his girl. At least, not in that way.
âGreat.â Ronnie states âNow the two of you can talk things out before we go onstage. Kiss and make up and all of that. Maybe youâll be less of a nervous wreck.â
âNo!â Eddie shouts, pulling Ronnie back by the arm as she tried to walk off âDonât.â
âWhy not?â Ronnie asks âYouâre clearly a huge fucking mess right now and if she can help then Iâm going to go get her.â
âNo, sheâs still mad at me! Ronnie, donât-â
But it was too late, she was already walking off to go and find you.
ââââââââ
You fiddled nervously with the cellophane that was bunched around the bouquet of flower, completely overthinking whether or not showing up had been a good idea. You didnât even know if Eddie wanted to see you. Especially after how mean and nasty you had been to him these past few days.
You were starting to wonder if it was foolish for you to even show up. He probably didnât even want you here. You were so in your own head that you barely noticed the girl that had walked up to the end of the row you were sitting in before she called your name. Your head snaps over to look at her.
âHey, sorry, I know you donât know me butâŠ.Iâm Ronnie. One of Eddieâs friends. Look. I know you two arenât exactly talking to each other right now but Eddieâs really freaking out back there. Like, malfunctioning. I thought maybe you could-â
But before Ronnie could finish her sentence, you had already leaped out of your seat, carnations in hand as you exit the row of seats.
âWhere is he?â You ask âIs he okay?â
Ronnie just stares at you, taking in the way that you immediately jumped up to help as soon as you heard that Eddie might need you. Ronnie took in the worried look on your face and how tightly you gripped the bouquet. Then it hit Ronnie; as much as Eddie swore it wasnât the truth, she knew that there was something between the two of you. Something sweet and caring and tender.
âCome on.â She says âIâll take you backstage.â
ââââââââ
Eddie couldnât stop his hands from shaking. It felt like Ronnie had left forever ago. He was somehow freaking out harder than he was before. With every act that went onstage, it only brought Corroded Coffin closer and closer to playing.
His chest felt tight. He felt like he was having trouble breathing. Like he wasnât getting enough oxygen in his lungs and he was at risk of passing out. He tried to tune his guitar to keep his mind off of it. He tried to focus on all of the corrections that Ronnie and Dougie had given him but it somehow only made things worse. He was so in his head until-
âEds?â
He whips around, following the sweet sound of your voice as you stood a few feet away from him backstage- standing next to Ronnie as you held a bouquet of flowers.
His chest felt tight as he looked at you up close. That yellow dress, your soft hair, your pretty eyes. His marigold.
Because he could open his mouth to speak, you were already starting towards him, pulling him into a tight hug. He let himself melt into your arms- his favorite place on earth.
As soon as he felt you wrap your arms around his neck, it felt like a weight had been lifted. Something that had unknowingly been weighing him down. Maybe it was his nerves or the stress of fighting with you but now it was gone in an instant now that he was in your arms. All of it dissipating like magic.
âIâm sorry.â You mumble, your head resting against his shoulder âIâm sorry that I was mad at you. Iâm not mad anymore. It was so stupid anyway.â
âItâs okay.â Eddie says, his arms tightening around you- worried that if he didnât hold on tight you would disappear again. He didnât want that to happen. âIâm sorry for whatever I did.â
âNo, itâs not you. I was being stupid.â You argue.
âYeah but it was probably because I did something stupid. I justâŠ.can we not fight anymore? I donât like it.â He suggests.
âYeah.â You agree âOkay.â Then a moment passes âAre you feeling okay?â
âIâm a little better now.â He sighs. Really, he felt so much better now that he had made up with you.
âAre you sure?â You ask, pulling back so that you could look Eddie on the eyes. He immediately felt empty without your body against his.
âYeah.â He nods âJust nervous. I canât stop shaking.â
You look down at his hands, noticing the small tremble.
âWhat can I do to help?â You ask, reaching for his hand as you softly grab it- beginning to rub circles into the back of his hand with the pad of your thumb. Something inside of Eddie felt like a dam that was about to burst.
You were holding his hand.
âIâŠI, uhâŠâ he stammers, trying to keep his mind straight but was failing with every little touch that you had given him âCould youâŠuhâŠcould you maybe keep doing that? Holding my hand?â
You look over at him. âIs it helping?â
âYeah.â He whispers, nodding his head âItâs helping a lot.â
In response, you loosen your grip which immediately makes Eddie nervous that he had said the wrong thing but his mind was put at ease once he realized that you were interlacing your fingers with his.
âJust tell me when you want me to let go, okay?â You insist.
But Eddie would never tell you to let go. Not ever. He wanted to hold your hand forever if he could. He wanted your hand to be glued to his hand so that you were inseparable. So that you couldnât leave his side. So that you could be this close to each other always. He never wanted to stop holding your hand. But Eddie didnât say that. He wouldnât dare. Because thatâs not what friends said. So, instead, he tries to hide his feelings as best as he could- like he always does. Gently giving your hand a squeeze.
âOkay.â
ââââââââ
After the talent show, you were wedged into a booth table in Bennyâs next to Eddie as he recounted again, for the millionth time, how well Corroded Coffin performed at the talent show. Dougie and Ronnie were sitting across from you both, laughing as Eddie mimed out his guitar solo.
âDid you see how sick that was? Canât believe I almost didnât listen to you.â He exclaims to Ronnie.
âSee what happens when you actually listen to my expertise?â She says, a smug smile on her face.
âYeah, yeah. Whatever.â Eddie waves her off before turning to you âWhat did you think? I mean, you got to watch the whole thing.â
You felt bashful underneath his stare, trying to keep your breathing normal as you watched your best friend geek out over something he was so passionate about.
âYou guys were great.â You say âLike, really great.â
âYeah?â Eddie smiles as if he had just received high praise in a Rolling Stone magazine.
âYeah. You guys were pretty awesome.â You answer âDonât let it go to your head though.â
That causes Ronnie to snort.
âSo,â Dougie starts, a sly smile on his face âHow long have you two been going out?â
Eddie just about knocked over his milkshake.
âDude!â He exclaims âI told you already. Weâre not likeâŠthat.â
âOkay, okay. Sheesh.â Dougie says, holding his hands up in surrender âDonât shoot me.â
âWeâre just friends. Emphasis on the friends.â Eddie further elaborates.
âAlright, alright.â Dougie replies âI get it.â
Next to Eddie, you self-consciously suck down the last of your milkshake- trying not to let your disappointment show on your face. Eddie had been far too hasty to correct Dougieâs assumptions that you were a couple. As if it would be the most mortifying and embarrassing thing that could ever happen to him.
Eddie turns to you, noticing your empty shake glass.
âYou want another one?â He asks.
âOh. I-â
âVanilla, right?â He asks, sliding out of the booth.
âYeah.â You mutter quietly.
âCool.â He says âWeâll be right back.â
As Eddie and Dougie venture off for more milkshakes, you are left sitting across from Ronnie who seemed to be swirling the straw around in her glass. It was silent. You didnât know what to say to her so you were surprised when she was the one to speak first.
âHe really likes you, yâknow.â
âWhat?â You ask, your breath catching.
âEddie.â Ronnie clarifies âHe really likes you. Like, a lot. All he ever does is talk about you. How cool you are. How youâre, like, totally best friends. Stuff like that.â
The admission catches you off-guard but was also incredibly heartwarming. Eddie talked about you to his friends?
âReally?â You ask, stunned.
âYeah. Itâs actually kinda annoying. Like, he doesnât shut up.â Ronnie snorts âYou wouldâve thought you invented Metallica or something.â
âOh.â You say âI didnât know that he talked about meâŠto other people.â
âI know. Which is why Iâm telling you this. Iâve known Eddie since we were, like, six. Eddie can be kind of-â
âClosed off?â
âYeah.â Ronnie replies âExactly. So, hearing him talk about you the way that he doesâŠ.I just wanted you to know. He cares about you. I can tell that you care about him too. I guess Iâm just glad that he has someone. You know, besides me and Dougie. Just donât break his heart, okay?â
âI-â
âYeah, I know. You donât have to say it. I know you guys arenât like that.â Ronnie clarifies âWhat I mean is that if you and Eddie ever stop being friends, I feel like it would destroy him, you know. So, yeah. Promise me that wonât happen.â
âOf course!â You exclaim âIâd never stop being friends with Eddie. I mean, sometimes heâs annoying and-â
âBossy and makes stupid decisions and can be an asshole sometimes?â Ronnie adds.
âYes.â You agree âExactly. But thatâs what I like about him. Heâs not, you knowâŠlike everyone else. Heâs different.â
Ronnie watches as your lips curl into a shy smile. All Ronnie could think about was how completely gone you were for him and you didnât even know it.
âYeah.â Ronnie snorts âYou can say that again.â
Just as you opened your mouth to say something else, Eddie and Dougie return to the table.
âVanilla milkshake, for the lady.â He announces, setting it down with a dramatic flourish. You look up and catch Ronnie smirking at you.
âWhat?â Eddie asks, looking between you and Ronnie âWhat did I miss?â
âNothing, Munson.â Ronnie says âDonât worry about it.â
Ronnie glances over at you, giving you a knowing look as she drinks from her milkshake. Your heart pounds in your chest while Eddie just stands there in confusion.
ââŠ.OkayâŠ.â He says, looking at Ronnie as if she were up to something before he slid back into the booth next to you. He places down a basket of fries between the two of you.
âHelp me eat these?â He suggests, nudging the basket closer to you.
Really, he had bought them for you. To share. He knew they were your favorite and that you would never order them for yourself at the risk of other people looking at you and judging you for it. Because of puberty and your developing body, you were hyper-aware of people thinking certain things about you. However, Eddie didnât care. Because sharing fries with you at Bennyâs was one of his favorite parts of your friendship.
âI cant-â
âCâmon, youâre so not going to make me eat this whole thing by myself.â Eddie pouts âPlease?â
His brown puppy dog eyes are what got you. You folded every time.
âAlright.â You relent âOkay.â
You pick up a fry from the basket, popping it in your mouth as you try to keep your face neutral but Eddie could see how happy you were. Sitting next to him at Bennyâs as you shared fries and milkshakes. You had told him before how this was your favorite place on earth. Sharing those moments with him. Truth be told, you loved every moment you shared with Eddie. Always. But these? They were by far your favorite.
As you and Eddie took turns sharing the basket of fries, Ronnie looked on at the two of you- watching as you laughed at Eddieâs jokes. As he leaned in closer to you when you spoke. How his eyes would land on your lips as if he wanted to kiss them. Ronnie couldnât help but compare you both to a couple of magnets, stuck together by a great force.
Ronnie wouldnât say it in front of the both of you but she could sense that there was something more than friendship between you two. Care, trust, empathy. Love.
Definitely love. The truest kind. Her friend Eddie Munson was in love. Completely and stupidly in love.
ââââââââ
1983
"Hey, you're Munson's girl, right?"
The voice startles you, causing you to look up from the book that you had been reading on a bench outside of the school. You lock eyes with none other than Jason Carver- one of the most popular guys in school. And he was talking to you.
âOh, I- uhâŠno.â You stammer, nervous by his presence as he stares at you âI mean, I know Eddie. Weâre friends. Iâm not- heâs not, you know, my boyfriend. Just a friend. Whoâs a boy.â
God, you probably sounded like an idiot.
âOkay.â Jason smiles, nodding as his tightens his grip on the gym bag that he had hoisted over his shoulder âCool. I mean, I heard that from other people but I wasnât too sure. You two seem pretty close so I thought Iâd just ask you. But yeah, good to know. Really good.â
Your heartbeat speeds up as he smiles at you again, flashing his perfect teeth and his blue eyes. Practically every girl in school had a crush on Jason Carver and you were no exception.
âAre you just hanging around here?â He asks âAll alone?â
âOh.â You say âIâm actually waiting for Eddie. He usually drives me home.â
âReally?â Jason asks âSchoolâs been out for a while. Itâs getting dark out.â
âOh, yeah, I know.â You explain âHe hosts the Hellfire Club. They usually take a while to finish up their sessions.â
âI see.â Jason replies âAre you not a part of his club?â
âWell, I mean, sort of. I sub for some of the other members sometimes if they canât make a session. Itâs not really my thing though. I kind of just do it to help Eddie.â
âDo you do a lot of things for Eddie?â Jason questions, raising an eyebrow quizzically.
âI mean, weâre friends. We do stuff for each other, you know.â
âHm.â Jason nods âAnd you guys are, you know, just friends? Like, thereâs nothing going on between you two?â
âMe and Eddie?â You exclaim, practically choking on your own spit âNo. Definitely not. Just friends.â
âOkay, cool.â Jason says âSorry, I just wanted to make sure. IâŠ.Okay, this might seem weird but Iâve been noticing you around lately and I..uh..Iâve gotta be honest, you caught my eye.â
âReally?â You ask, your voice laced with shock âMe?â
âYeah.â Jason shrugs âThat so hard to believe?â
âIâŠno, I justâŠIâm surprisedâŠand flattered, I guess.â You admit âIâm surprised that you know I exist, to tell you the truth.â
âReally? Huh.â Jason laughs âWould you believe me if I told you that I thought you were cute?â
Holy shit. Did he just say what you thought he said?
Jason Carver thought you were cute?
âOh, I-â
âHey, Iâm actually headed home. Do you want a ride? I couldnât forgive myself if I just let a cute girl sit outside while itâs getting dark.â Jason flirts.
âI-Iâm really flattered but I should probably wait for Eddie.â
âYou sure?â He asks âThose Hellfire meetings can go pretty late, canât they?â
This was true. Eddie was such a control freak about his position as DM that he tried to cram as much as he could into one session which usually left everyone gathered around the table for hours. Which means that, by proxy, you were stuck waiting for him until he remembered your existence and that you were waiting for him.
âYeah.â You nod âSometimes.â
âIâm sure youâve had a long day. Why not just let me drive you? I donât bite.â Jason teases.
Now that you thought about it, you did have a long day. You were tired, your feet were sore, and your book wasnât doing much to stave off your boredom. You also had a mountain of homework that you hadnât even started on. Maybe you should go home. Eddie would understand, right?
âYeah, okay.â You finally relent, watching a smile spread across Jason Carverâs face âIâll let you drive me home.â
ââââââââ
It was around seven pm when the phone rang.
You had just finished up washing dishes after dinner when you walk over to the phone, picking it up as you press the receiver to your ear.
âHello?â
âJesus H Christ! Good to know that youâre alive!â Eddie exclaims on the other end of the line, his voice laced with what seemed like sarcasm and worry.
âHey Eds.â You say.
Hey? He had been searching the whole school for you for over an hour and all you could manage to say was hey?
Eddie huffs out an incredulous laugh.
âDo you have any idea how fucking worried I was? I was five seconds away from filing a missing persons report, for christâs sake! I had everyone from Hellfire looking for you.â
âOh.â You squeak, a feeling of guilt washing over you. âIâm sorry, Eds! I didnât realize it would be a huge thing. I shouldâve told you I was leaving but I didnât want to interrupt the campaign.â
âSweetheart, Iâd rather you interrupt the campaign than have me worried that something happened to you.â He sighs âHow did you even get home? Did you walk?â
âNo, I actually got a ride home.â
Eddie freezes, caught completely off-guard. Had he heard you right?
âWait what?â He asks âYou got a ride home? From who?â
From the moment he got his license and inherited his dadâs shitty van. Eddie had picked you up and dropped you off everywhere you needed to go. Whenever you wanted. It had always been that way. An unspoken arrangement that existed within your friendship. Who the hell would be driving you home besides him?
âYouâre not gonna believe this.â You start, a grin spreading across your face. You were glad that Eddie couldnât see it. Heâd surely never let you live it down âJason Carver drove me home.â
On the other side of the line, Eddieâs heart nearly stops.
âCarver?â He says âJason Carver. Drove you home?â
âYeah.â You reply.
âAs in, the captain of the basketball team?â
âYes?â
âOkay, wait.â Eddie malfunctions âI didnât even know that you knew any of the jockstraps. Since when do you hang out with Jason Carver?â
âI donât.â You explain âHe just came up to me while I was waiting for you and we started talking. Then he offered me a ride home and I took it.â
âHe just came up to you and started talking to you?â Eddie questions âWhat did he want?â
âNothing. We just talked. Heâs really sweet.â You blush.
Sweet? Jason Carver and his gang of jockstraps were anything but sweet.
âSweet, huh?â Eddie replies, his voice laced with disdain.
âYeah.â You sigh, your voice dreamy. It made Eddie want to puke.
âAnd he didnât try anything with you? Didnât, like, hit on you or anything?â He interrogates.
âWhat? No. No, he was really nice. He was a total gentleman.â
Uh-huh, Eddie thought, and Iâm fucking Ronnie James Dio.
âYouâre sure?â
ââŠ.Yes?â You ask âWhy are you acting so weird?â
âWhat did you guys talk about?â Eddie pushes, wanting to know everything.
âYou know, just normal stuff. School. We talked about you, actually.â You admit. The confession throws Eddie for a loop.
âMe?â He echoes
âYeah. Funny story, actually. He thought we were dating.â You explain âIsnât that weird?â
No.
ââŠUmâŠyeah.â Eddie stammers âThatâsâŠthat is weird. So, like, what did you say?â
âWhat do you mean?â You ask âI told him we were friends, obviously. Then guess what he told me?â
Eddieâs stomach began to tighten.
âWhat?â
âHe told me that he thought I was cute.â You practically squeal.
âHe said what?â Eddie guffaws, his mouth falling open. He was so glad you couldnât see his reaction over the phone.
âI know, right?â You squeak âIsnât that, like, IâŠ.I canât get over it. Jason fucking Carver thinks Iâm cute. Can you believe it?â
Jason fucking Carver was so fucking dead.
âHuh.â Eddie huffs.
âHuh? What do you mean âhuhâ?â You question, immediately picking up on Eddieâs weird behavior.
âNothing.â Eddie replies coolly âItâs nothing.â
âNo, what? Why are you acting like that?â
âItâs justâŠ.Jason Carver? Really?â Eddie snorts, catching you off guard. Was he laughing at you? âJust thought youâd have better taste.â
âOkay, that was mean.â You say, shaking your head at how Eddie was behaving. Why was he being such a jerk.
âI mean, can you blame me?â Eddie scoffs âSome sheep-brained ball-dribbler calls you cute and now youâre planning your wedding.â
âWhat? Iâm not âplanning my weddingââ You sass âOne of the most popular guys in school complimented me and I canât even tell my best friend about it? This is, like, huge for me and youâre acting like you donât even care.â
And, boy, was that far from the truth. Because Eddie did care. He cared a lot.
âI just thought youâd were smart enough to not fall for guys like that.â Eddie retorts âGuys with bland personalities and low IQâs who think that their entire lifeâs purpose is to toss balls into laundry baskets.â
âOkay, what is your problem?â You finally snap âWhy are you being so bitchy?â
âI just donât see how youâre so blinded by this.â Eddie quips.
âBlinded by what?â
âAre you really too blind to see what heâs doing? Sure, he can tell you that youâre cute as much as he wants but that doesnât stop me from seeing right through the bullshit.â Eddie tried to reason âHeâs only being nice to you to try and get in your pants.â
Your mouth falls open in shock. Did Eddie really just say that?
âExcuse me?â You practically gasp.
âWhat?â Eddie replies coldly âItâs the truth. Heâs being all nice to you to try and hookup with you. Then heâs going to ditch you and pretend like you donât even exist.â
âWow.â You say, your tone hurt and incredulous âThatâs really what you think of me?â
âNo.â Eddie explains âWhatâs what I think Carver thinks of you. That he can have sex with any girl he wants because heâs popular.â
âAnd what makes you think that Iâd hookup with him? Like, you seem all sure of it or something. Like you think Iâm easy and would just, I donât know, give it up to anybody.â You reply, hurt in your voice.
Was this really what Eddie thought of you.
âYouâre twisting my words.â Eddie argues âThatâs not what I said.â
âBut itâs what you meant, right?â
âWhat? No! I-â
âYou know what, Eddie? Fuck you!â
Before he could respond, you slam the phone back into the wall- hanging up on his before he could even get a word in.
Inside of the trailer, Eddie stood there. Dumbfounded as he listened to the dead line ring in his ear.
Did you just hang up on him?
ââââââââ
âHoly shit. Eddie, look.â
Eddie looks up from the character sheets that he was studying next to his locker, following Jeffâs line of sight as he watches you stroll through the front doors of Hawkins High School- right next to Jason Carver.
He was holding your hand.
WhatâŠtheâŠfuck?
âHoly shit.â Gareth breathes, staring as Jason whispered something to you- causing you to tilt your head back in a laugh.
âDid you guys, like, have a fight or something?â Jeff questions.
Eddie could barely hear him over the erratic beating of his heart as he clenched his fists.
âWhatever.â Was all Eddie could mutter in order to not go into a complete meltdown.
âWhatever?â Gareth asks, raising an eyebrow questioningly âBut arenât you guys likeâŠa thing?â
âWhat?â Eddie scoffs âEw no. Sheâs not my girl. Weâre not like that.â
âCouldâve fooled me.â Jeff snickers âNow sheâs all cozied up with Carver. Bet youâre loving that.â
âItâs none of my business.â Eddie replies icily âShe can dates who she wants. Even jockstraps that use fucking Sun-In and have a negative number of brain cells.â
Just as you and Jason are making your way down the hallway, you pass Eddie and the Hellfire guys. You lock eyes momentarily before your pull your eyes away, staring straight ahead. You had ignored him.
Alright, Eddie thought. Two can play that game.
ââââââââ
1988
Eddie had been driving around Hawkins aimlessly for hours, your voice ringing out in his head.
Are you in or are you out?
His knuckles gripped the steering wheel, his mind going into overdrive. He was thinking about everything and nothing all at once. His head was filled with so much that it felt like he was carrying the weight of the world between his shoulders. Everywhere he drove past reminded him of you.
Milkshakes and fries at Bennyâs Diner.
Snack runs to the gas station late at night as you sat on the curb next to each other and drank Slurpeeâs.
Blind-buying cassette tapes for each other at the record store early morning on a Saturday and blasting them in the van. The wind whipping through your hair as you rolled the windows down.
Egging Tommy Haganâs house on Halloween.
Carving your names in the trunk of an old oak tree near Loverâs Lake.
Shared rock concerts at the shitty dive bars right outside of Hawkins where you both screamed so loudly that your voices were practically gone the next day.
Arguing over what to rent at Family Video on Thursday nights where he would pretend to be annoyed when he let you win.
So many years of memories. The best times of you and him. Was he really going to throw it all away like that? What the fuck was he supposed to do?
You were his best friend, his person, his Samwise GamgeeâŠ.and you were pregnant with his baby.
Eddie wasnât ready to be a father. Not even fucking close. He didnât even know if he wanted kids and now, here he was, with a baby on the way with a girl that wasnât even his. Not really. Fuck, how could things have turned out like this?
He thought back to the many times where you had spoken to him at length about your future plans- where you saw yourself in the next ten years. A suburban dream house with the prettiest garden on the block, a husband, a job you loved. Maybe a couple of kids if you felt up to it. But, most of all, you wanted to be happy. Eddie knew that he could never give you that.
Eddie was a loser wannabe rockstar with a dead end bartending job as he sold weed on the side. You didnât fucking deserve that. You deserved a guy would could provide for you. Someone who could make you happy and make sure you want for nothing. Now, here you were, pregnant with his baby that you insisted on keeping and there was nothing he could do about it. Another story of failure to add to the cursed Munson family name.
You deserved better.
So much better.
You deserved someone like Steve Harrington who came from money and stood by your side during your pregnancy. Not someone like Eddie who was a spineless fucking coward that already had one foot out the door. You didnât need him. Your baby didnât need him. Eddie would be nothing but dead weight for the both of you. Completely fucking useless like his own father whose mistakes Eddie was destined to repeat.
No, he couldnât stick around for this. Not when he got you pregnant and just ruined your entire life. Unlike Eddie, you were destined to do something with your life. Not to be tied down by the town freak and his Satan spawn. He couldnât let you do this. But, if you were going to do it anyway, Eddie couldnât just stick around and watch it. All of this was a car crash waiting to happen.
He would write you a letter. He would pack his shit and go somewhere where you wouldnât be able to reach him. It would fucking sting but it was for the best. He couldnât watch you get dragged down into a life of single motherhood. He couldnât be around when the kid was old enough to wonder who their father was. No, he was going to do you a favor but taking himself out of the picture.
He would write a note. He would explain everything. He would tell you that he loved you and that he couldnât hold you back by staying. He couldnât help you raise a child that he would surely fuck up. He couldnât watch you struggle and take care of his kid until you eventually woke up one day and realized that all of this was a huge mistake.
Having sex with him was a mistake, being his friend was a mistake, loving him was a mistake. Fucking meeting him was a mistake. Eddie couldnât be your biggest life regret. He wanted more for you. He wanted you to want more for yourself. He wasnât the man you needed. He would never be. The best thing he could do for you was let you go.
ââââââââ
1983
âI canât believe sheâs going to the dance with Jason Carver.â Eddie grumbles, biting angrily into a slice of pizza as Steve Harrington and Jonathan Byers listen to his rant. It was supposed to be a carefree guys night before it completely evolved into an Eddie bitching session.
âLike, seriously? Him? The guys probably listens to Bruce Springsteen.â Eddie scoffs.
âWhatâs wrong with Bruce Springsteen?â Steve asks.
âI hate Bruce Springsteen.â Eddie explains as if it were obvious âTheyâre probably dancing to Top 40 hits and gushing over how popular everyone looks tonight.â
Eddie rolls his eyes so hard that they couldâve gotten lost in the back of his head. He hated what you had become. Suddenly you were Jason Carverâs girl that was too good to speak to him- too good to hang out or even call. It had been two weeks of the both of you ignoring each other and pretending neither of you exists but Eddie couldnât deny the fact that he missed you. That he was lost without you. Now you were at the shitty winter formal with a guy that wasnât him and it was killing him.
âEddie, have you thought about telling her how you feel? I mean, if you-â
Jonathanâs thoughts were immediately cut off by the phone ringing. Eddieâs brows furrow. It was past nine oâclock and no one called past nine. He gets off the couch, walking to the phone as he picks it up.
âHello?â
âEddie?â
It was you.
You and your sweet voice. He almost sighed into the phone at the sound of it, complete forgetting that he was mad at you. That you ignored him and ditched him for two weeks for a guy that played with balls.
âAre you there? Eds?â He squeezes his eyes shut as he tried to shake off the thoughts of how much he missed you and your voice.
âWhat do you want?â He asks coldly âSurprised you even remember that I exist.â
âEddie, I-â
âLook, Iâm busy right now. I-â
âEddieâŠâ He was suddenly met with the sounds of broken sobs, causing his heart to twist in his chest. You were crying. âIâm sorry. Iâm really sorry. I shouldâve called. I know youâre mad but IâŠ.I really fucking need you.â
âWhat happened?â He asks hastily, voice filling with panic âWhere are you? Did someone hurt you?â
âNo.â You hiccup âIâm fine. I justâŠcan you come pick me up? Please?â
âWhere are you, sweetheart?â He asks, his hand tightly gripping the phone.
"I'm outside of Benny's. At the payphone."
"Okay." Eddie breathes "Just stay right there, okay? I'm coming, baby."
ââââââââ
1988
It happened while Eddie was pulled over on the side of the highway, pen in hand as he tried to balance his leather journal on the steering wheel in order to write. Every time he thought he had gotten a good start on what he wanted to say to you, he ripped the page out-crumpling it up in his hands as he tosses it onto the floor of the van. He didn't have room to make mistakes on this. He needed you to read his words, his heart on the page as he explained to you why he was leaving. Why he couldn't stay and let himself ruin everything you built.
He couldn't focus. His mind was consumed with you.
The way that you used to ambush him with your Polaroid camera, snapping photos of him that you'd hang in your locker or use in place of bookmarks. How you created a collage that took up practically an entire wall of pictures of you and him.
How you would call him right at midnight on the dot when it was his birthday because you couldn't fathom not being the first one to say it.
How you would steal his hoodies and return them with the lingering scent of your perfume.
How you had taken care of him when he caught the flu in eleventh grade.
Bandaging up his hands after he would burn himself on the iron when you would help him DIY his battle vests. How you would jokingly tease him for being so clumsy and empty-headed.
All of the late nights you shared as you drove around town in the van together, just talking about nothing and everything all at once.
The books you lent him. The hugs you shared. The way that you had cried on his shoulder whenever something hurt you. The moments where you had fallen asleep with your head in his lap in the middle of a movie night. How Wayne would walk in and grin at him when he saw the way that Eddie would run his fingers through your hair soothingly. Like it was the most natural thing on earth, because it was.
How you used to leave your bedroom window cracked open for him so that he could climb in and listen to your Walkman together until it was almost one in the morning. The many, many times where he had looked at you and realized how much he loved you. The one time where he almost said it out loud. Leaving you behind would be the hardest fucking thing he'd ever have to do in his life.
Just when he was beginning to agonize over how to put it all on the paper in front of him, he began to hear the opening notes of a familiar song- all too familiar. It was your song.
Eddie practically freezes.
Eddie puts his pen into the cupholder, reaching for the volume knob on his stereo as he gently turned it up- trying to drown out the whooshing sound of cars passing him on the shoulder of the highway. Trying to quiet the overly running thoughts in his head. As soon as he heard the lead singer of Spandau Ballet begin to croon on WSQK, Eddie fucking lost it.
So true,
Funny how it seems,
Always in time but never in line for dreams,
Head over heels when toe to toe,
This is the sound of my soul,
This is the sound.
Suddenly, there you were. In that teal wrap dress as you sat across from him on your bedroom floor. Your face bare of makeup after crying in the passenger seat of his van as he drove you home. The same passenger seat that was next to him- empty. He remembered the way you smelled. Vanilla body wash and a hint of hair spray from styling your hair so nice and pretty for some other guy. A guy that didn't deserve you.
"Jesus Christ..." Eddie mutters, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried not to break down. But it was too late. The song transported him right back to the best moments of you.
His lips pressed sweetly against yours for the very first time the night after the 1982 Winter Formal. How close you were. How your kiss took his breath away. How he was convinced that he didn't need oxygen as long as he could breathe you in. Spandau Ballet playing softly in the background.
Senior prom 1986 in the school gymnasium with you in that beautiful pale pink dress with the puffy sleeves that reminded him of the yellow marigold dress you wore all those years ago. Holding you close with his hands on your hips as you swayed back and forth in his arms. How he wanted so badly to tell you that you were the most beautiful girl on earth. How, even though he hated prom and the forced conformity of it all, he couldn't imagine wanting to be anywhere else but there. With you.
I bought a ticket to the world,
But now I've come back again.
Why do I find it hard to write the next line?
Oh, I want the truth to be said.
"Fuck."
He sobs, tossing his notebook onto the floor of the passenger side as he buries his head against the steering wheel.
He couldn't leave you.
He didn't want to leave you.
He loved you. Fuck, he loved you so much that it fucking hurt.
He didn't think he could ever love anyone that way that he loved you. His love for you was so fucking massive and vast that he could never have room for anyone else in his heart. Not Chrissy Cunningham, not all of those other girls that he used to have crushes on or tried to hit on at the mall. No, you.
The way you kissed him, the way you smile, the sound of your laugh. How you never got mad at him enough to stop being his friend. How warm your body feels against his side whenever he'd snuggle you close. How you trusted him wholly and completely. How the way you held him the night that he made love to you made him want you to never let you.
He loves you.
Fuck, he fucking loves you with everything he fucking has.
There was never anyone else. How could there ever be? It was you.
It had always been you.
ââââââââ
1983
"Here, let me help you with that."
It was the first thing that Eddie had said to you since you had gotten into his van when he rescued you from Benny's Diner. You slide into the cab of the van, closed the door, and began to cry. Big fat tears that ruined your makeup. Now, here Eddie was, sitting across from you on your bedroom floor as he tried to remove your makeup for you.
As he swiped at the mascara stains on your cheeks, you try not to look at him- wrapping his jacket tighter around your body.
"Thank you." You whisper, finally breaking your silence "For doing this. For picking me up. I owe you."
"No." Eddie shakes his head, using the makeup wipe on your other eye "You don't owe me anything, sweetheart. If anything, I owe you an apology. I was a fucking jerk."
"No." You croak, your eyes watering again "You weren't. You were right, Eddie. This whole time."
"Right about what?" He asks, his hand stilling.
"About Jason." You sigh, lowering your head in embarrassment "He only wanted one thing from me. Everything you said about him was true."
Eddie's heart immediately drops into the pit of his stomach, anger flares inside of his chest like a red, hot inferno.
"What happened?" He says, his voice low and angry no matter how badly he was trying to stay calm in front of you. All he could think about was getting his hands on Jason fucking Carver and wringing his neck. "Did he do something to you?"
"He....tried to make out with me." You admit, biting your lip to keep yourself from crying all over again "I told him that I didn't want to. That I was saving my first kiss for someone special. I shouldn't have fucking said that. After I did, he got so mad at me. He, like, lost it. It scared me, Eddie."
Jason Carver was so fucking dead when he finally got his hands on him. He was practically already six feet under at that very fucking moment.
You could see how hard Eddie was balling up his fist, his jaw clenching.
"Eddie, it's okay." You whisper, "I'm okay."
"No, it's not fucking okay." He growls "Did he touch you? I swear to god I'm going to break every one of his goddamn fingers and he'll have to kiss his full fucking ride to some Ivy League bullshit college goodbye because he won't be able to dribble a ball ever again in his fucking life.â
"Eddie, no." You shake your head, reaching for his hand as you gently try to get him to unclench his fist- slipping your hand into his as you intertwine your fingers "He's not worth it. He's not worth you getting in trouble."
"You're worth it."
"Eddie, please don't. Just leave it alone, okay? Promise me."
Eddie clenches his jaw again, causing you to squeeze his hand until he looked at you.
"Promise me." You demand.
"Alright, alright." He grumbles "I promise."
"Okay." You nod "Good."
Your bedroom becomes quiet as the two of you look at each other. Not speaking. You didn't have to with Eddie. Not every moment needed to be filled with words and conversation like it was with Jason. With Eddie, the silence was comfortable. Safe.
"Eddie?" You ask, your voice small "Do you....do you think I'm pretty?"
The question hits him in the chest like a sledgehammer.
Of course, he thought you were pretty. He thought you were beautiful.
"I mean..."
"Just be honest? I won't get mad. I just...sometimes I worry that guys won't look at me and think that I'm...you know...attractive. At least, not enough to be serious about me. Not enough to want to ask me to be their girlfriend and take me out on dates and stuff. Like, show me off.â
And those guys are fucking idiots, Eddie thought.
"So, like...If you and I weren't friends, would you? Think that I was pretty?" You continue.
Even as a friend, I think you are the most gorgeous girl in the world.
"Really?" You ask, a glint of something in your eyes that makes it so hard for Eddie to not lean into you, close the gap, and press his lips against yours. He thought that he could control himself. But you had already caught the way that he was staring at your lips. The way that his adams apple moved as he swallowed nervously.
"Eddie..." You whisper, leaning closer and closer into him that his heart was raging a war in his chest. He might be going crazy in that moment but he was almost completely, one-hundred percent certain that you were about to kiss him.
"Wait, wait wait." He calls out, holding his hand out between the two of you in order to maintain distance. "What....what are you doing?"
"I...I thought...do you not want to kiss me?â
"No, no, no." He shakes his head "Sweetheart, it's not that. I-"
"Shit. I just made things really weird, didn't I?" You agonize, covering your face with your hands.
"No!" Eddie says "It's not that. It's not that I don't want to kiss you. I do...it's just...you're really vulnerable right now. You were just crying over Jason and you just told me that you didn't want to kiss him because you wanted your first kiss to be special and I-"
"I do want it to be special." You say.
"Right." He nods "Which is why you shouldn't waste it on me."
"But I want to." You whisper, your eyes drawing down to his lips and it drove Eddie crazy. "I mean, I want it to be special."
"And it should be." Eddie agrees "It should be with someone you love and that you trust and-"
"I love you, Eddie.â You admit âAnd I trust you. More than anyone. I think thatâŠif my first kiss is going to be with anyone, it should be you. I want it to be with you.â
"I don't think you're thinking straight."
"I think this is the straightest that I've ever thought in my life."
"Sweetheart, please don't say shit like that. You don't mean it. You're hurt and...and-"
"And I want my first kiss to be you. IâŠIâve been thinking about it ever since Jason tried to kiss me. How I donât want to just give it away to someone like him whoâs going to hurt me or use me or take advantage of me. I want to get it over with but I want to do it with someone I trust so I donât regret it. I know that, if I let you be my first kiss, I wonât wake up one day and wish I had done things differently. I know youâll take care of me.â
"Sweetheart..." Eddie groans helplessly.
"Please, Eddie? I won't ask you again." You say "If you don't want to kiss me, that's okay. I don't-"
"That's not the problem." Eddie says "Sweetheart, I want to kiss the shit out of you right now. You look...god, you look unreal in that dress and your hair and...the way you're looking at me. I just... don't want to ruin anything by doing this.â
"You won't." You state "I wouldn't want my first kiss to be with anyone else, Eds. I'm going to ask you one more time and that's it, okay? Will you be my first kiss? Please?"
"Fuck...you're sure?" He asks, asking for consent. He needed to hear that you wanted this just as much as he did "You sure you want it to be me?"
"I'm sure, Eds. I want it to be you."
And he could've died right there. Just from hearing you say it.
Okay." Eddie agrees "If that's what you want, sweetheart."
"It is." You confirm.
"Fuck...okay." He breathes "I...shit, how do I do this? Do I just..."
"You've never kissed anyone before?" You ask, a surprised look on your face.
"Me? No!" Eddie laughs nervously "What makes you think that I've done this before?"
"I don't know." You explain "I just thought....you just seemed like you have before."
"Nope." He shakes his head "This'll be my first time too."
"Oh my god." You gasp "Fuck, and I'm over here pressuring you to kiss me. I'm such a fucking idiot." You bury your face in your hands again.
"Hey, stop it." Eddie says "You're not an idiot."
"Yes, I am!" You mumble against your hands "This whole time, I'm begging you to kiss me and you haven't even had your first kiss yet and you should probably be saving that for someone special and-"
Your words were immediately cut off by Eddie grabbing at your hands, removing them from your face before leaning in and smashing his lips onto yours to shut you up.
Suddenly, the world stopped spinning. Every possible thought that was swarming around in your head had disappeared. Your mind was completely blank. Quickly replaced with thoughts of Eddie.
How close he was to you, how soft his lips were, how they felt pressed up against you, the way that he smelled.
It was him. Only him.
Eddie.
Eddie.
Eddie.
Within a couple of seconds, he had pulled away. Ending the kiss as quickly as he had started it. Your eyes flutter open, catching sight of your best friend as his face looked flushed and nervous.
"I...uh...Was that okay?" He asks "Did I do that right? I mean, I guess you wouldn't know either."
"No, that was...it was nice." You smile, staring down at your hands in your lap "Can I be honest for a second?"
"Sure." Eddie clears his throat nervously "Yeah. Totally."
"I just...when I imagined it, what my first kiss would be like, I thought it would be a little different. More...passionate."
"Passionate?" Eddie asks, trying not to think about the way that the lower half of his body was reacting to how he had just kissed you. Were you trying to kill him?
"Yeah." You explain "And romantic. Not that it wasn't romantic. I just...I imagined that there would be more kissing....and music, maybe."
"Oh." Eddie says "Do you want to try it again? We can go again. You know, if you want to. I can try to be more....passionate."
"Would you really do that for me?" You ask.
Fuck, sweetheart, I'd do anything for you.
"Of course." Eddie says "We can put on a cassette if you want. If that'll make it more comfortable for you."
"Okay, yeah." You say nervously "I'll...go play something. Don't move, okay?"
Your bedroom would have to spontaneously burst into flames before Eddie could even think about moving an inch right now.
He watches as you rise from the floor, stumbling over to your nightstand as you reach for a half-used scented candle before lighting it. You were hoping that it would set the mood but now that you had lit it, it kind of felt ridiculous.
You quickly rifle through your cassette collection, searching for something to set the tone of what you and Eddie were about to do. You were literally trying to pick out a soundtrack to make out with your best friend to. Suddenly, everything felt so silly and so serious at the same time.
You finally settle on your brand new Spandau Ballet tape that you had just picked up from the record store the week before.
"Is this okay?" You stammer, holding out the cassette cover for Eddie to see. He couldnât care less about what you put on. All he could think about was having your lips against his.
"Sure, sweetheart." He says "Whatever you want to play."
You pop it in, immediately skipping to the song you liked best. Track eight.
As the soft guitar notes of the beginning of the song began to pump through the speakers, you make your way back to Eddie- sinking down into the floor across from him.
"You okay?" He asks, taking in how nervous you looked "We don't have to do this."
"No, no. I want to." You assure him.
"Should I turn off the lights?" He asks "Will that help?"
"Yeah." You croak "Maybe."
Eddie stands to walk over to your bedroom door, hitting the lights. You try to control your breathing as he returns to you. You had already kissed him once. You had already gotten the first time out of the way. This should be easier, right?"
"Okay." Eddie whispers, sitting across from you. But closer than before. Close enough for his knees to be pressed against yours. "Ready?"
"Mhm," You nod.
The familiar track began to pump quietly in the background
I know this much is true....
You tried to let Tony Hadley sing away your nerves, relaxing your body as you felt Eddie reach for you- brushing his fingers through your hair. Your eyes fluttered closed, letting the feeling take you away.
"Is this okay?" Eddie whispers "Me touching you like this?"
"Yes." You squeak "You can...you can touch me more, if you want."
Holy Christ....
"Okay." Eddie swallows, his hand moving from your hair to your face, cupping it in his hands as he swept his thumbs against your cheekbones. Just feeling you. Just reminding himself that all of this was real.
That you were real.
Eddie could hardly focus on the song because he was worried about you feeling his hands tremble across your soft skin.
So true,
Funny how it seems,
Always in time but never in line for dreams.
Head over heels when toe to toe,
This is the sound of my soul,
This is the sound...
You reach for him, placing your hands on his wrists gently as you open your eyes to look at him and he practically melts. You and those pretty eyes. Those pretty lips. Pretty, pretty you.
"It's okay." You whisper "You don't have to be nervous. It's just me."
The words hit him hard as soon as they leave your lips.
It was just you. But you weren't just you. You were everything.
He leans in, resting his forehead against yours as he continued to stroke your face. Your nose bumps against his, causing his breath to hitch. So close. You were so, so close.
I bought a ticket to the world,
But now I've come back again.
Why do I find it hard to write the next line?
Oh, I want the truth to be said.
You nudge your nose into his again, playfully, as the corners of your lips lift into a grin.
Fuck, you were so cute. So, so cute.
I know this much is true....
Eddie practically sighs.
I know this much is true...
"You gonna kiss me or what, Munson?" You murmur.
"I'm getting there, don't worry." He promises "Let me take my time."
With a thrill in my head
And a pill on my tongue,
Dissolve the nerves that have just begun.
Listening to Marvin all night long.
This is the sound of my soul,
This is the sound....
He leans into you, intoxicated by your sweet scent as he finally presses his lips against yours. Sure, this time. Ready.
In his head, he tries to recollect every past memory of every chick-flick romance that you had forced him to sit through throughout the years, trying to copy what he had seen in those movies. How the love interest always kissed the girl in such a way that he took her breath away- and thatâs all Eddie wanted. To take your breath away.
Eddie moves one of his hands from where it was holding your face, placing it on the back of your neck to pull you in closer to him- deepening the kiss as he tilts his head. You follow his lead as he slots his lips against yours. The action earns him a barely audible moan from you, causing Eddie to feel as though he had just been hit by lightening. Completely electrified. He was doing something right. Thank god.
What he didnât expect was for your body to react even further by leaning into him, shifting onto your knees to get closer to him. To kiss him back.
You were so close that it was intoxicating. Your lips against his as he cupped his hand behind your neck and kissed you harder. He wanted to go further but he didnât want to cross any boundaries. He was happy with just this. Heated closed mouth kisses as you pressed your chest against his.
God, your fucking chest.
The way your boobs were pressed up against his chest was driving him wild. He tried to focus his mind on something else. Anything but your breasts against him and how they might feel without your dress in the way.
Your chest, your skin, the heat of your body.
Eddie wanted to feel you. All of you.
And this was only kissing. Barely even making out.
Imagine if you wanted him to go all the way with you.
Jesus Christ, he would lose it.
âEddie?â You whisper, pulling away from his lips as you slowly opened your eyes to look at him âIâŠcan I come closer? I want to be closerâŠâ
Eddie follows your gaze as you stare down at his lap.
âIs that okay?â You ask, your cheeks heating up at the request.
âYouâŠ.you wanna sit in my lap?â Eddie stammers. He could immediately feel himself getting hard beneath his jeans. If you got on top of him, it would be game over. He didnât know if he could control himself.
âIs that okay?â You ask âIâŠI want to be closerâŠ.to you.â
Eddie felt like he was swallowing a boulder as he looked into your eyes. Beautiful and needy. Who was he to not give you what you wanted? But he also didnât want to scare you off by potentially causing you to feel something you didnât want to.
âIâŠI donât know if thatâsâŠIâm kindaâŠâ Eddie tried to convey what the issue was without having to outright say it. How the fuck do you even tell your best friend that you didnât want her to sit on your lap because you were sporting a hard-on?
âDid I do something wrong? Did I-â
âNo, sweetheart.â Eddie replies softly, shaking his head âNo, youâre definitely not doing anything wrong. Itâs actually kinda the opposite. IâŠ.If you just give me a second, I can-â
But before he could excuse himself from your room to sneak into your bathroom to adjust himself, you were already climbing into his lap- straddling him as both of your legs framed either side of his body. Eddie tried so hard to stifle a groan, his hands immediately flying to your waist. As soon as he realized what he was gripping onto, he began to panic.
âShit,â He winces, quickly jerking his hands away. You catch them, grasping his wrists to stop them.
âItâs okay.â You assure him âI like your hands there. It makes me feelâŠsafe.â
Oh godâŠ
You wrap your arms around his neck, reaching up to play with his hair. Eddieâs eyes close at the feeling of your fingers in his curls. This was heaven. He was sure of it.
âIs this okay? That I do this?â You ask.
âYes.â Eddie croaks out âDonât stop doing that. Please. IâŠâ
âWhat?â You ask.
âI like this. Being close to you like this.â He admits, his voice soft and dreamlike âCan I kiss you again?â
Instead of speaking, you lean in- capturing his lips with yours as his grip tightens against your waist and it felt so right.
You let yourself get lost in him. In your best friend. Your Eddie. The boy you could never let go.
Always slipping from my hands,
Sand's a time of its own.
Take your seaside arms and write the next line,
Oh, I want the truth to be known.
Eddie Munson with his loud mouth and his stupid jokes and his long curls and his deep voice. Eddie who was stubborn yet sweet. Over-protective but full of love.
Eddie.
Eddie.
Eddie.
You use your tongue to swipe at his bottom lip, asking for permission to deepen the kiss into a new territory of intimacy that you havenât yet explored. But you wanted to. With him.
Eddie parts his lips a little, somehow instinctively knowing what to do- opening his mouth to taste you. Already intoxicated.
He sighs against your lips as you slip your tongue into his mouth. You had always worried that french kissing would be gross and slimy and awkward but it came so natural for you to want to do it with Eddie. He welcomed you into him with no restrictions. Completely open for you. Every single part of him.
His tongue tangles against yours, feeling you press yourself closer to him as if you could never be close enough. He grasps your hips tighter as he works his mouth against yourself, breathing heavy as he nips at your bottom lip- earning another moan. He was suddenly aware that kissing you was his new favorite thing. Nothing could top this feeling.
Your nose bumps against his as you kiss him harder, deeper, more hurried. Like you couldnât get enough. You tilt your head in every possible angle to earn yourself more of him, wanting to taste his lips in every which way that you could. Spandau Ballet serenading you in the background.
I know this much is trueâŠ.
Eddie was pretty fucking certain that he was falling in love with kissing you. He wanted more.
He wanted to claim every part of your mouth- your lips. He wanted to claim you. Make you his.
He wanted to live in this moment of kissing you. He wanted to stay just like this forever. He wanted you to be the first, last, and only girl heâd ever kiss. No one else. Because he was certain that no one else could make him feel this way.
He didnât want anyone else to make him feel this way. He was sure of it. So sure. So fucking sure that he needed to tell you. He needed-
Click.
The cassette tape stopped. The track coming to an end as it was the last song on the tape. It suddenly felt like a spell had been broken.
No, no, no.
But you were already pulling away, retreating out of the kiss-induced trance that you had been under.
Your boyfriend pants in your ear as he nears his high, thrusting into you as deep as he could go.
âYou feel so- god, oh my god! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Just like that! Hoooooly mother of god!â
âYou okay?â You moan underneath him, out of breath and wrecked as you watched him fall apart above you.
âMâgood! So good, babyâŠ.So fucking good. This feels so nice.â He whimpers âBeing inside you like thisâŠâ
âYeah?â You squeak as he hits a spot deep inside of you that had your toes curling.
âFuck yesâŠ.so wetâŠand tight and perfect. God, baby, youâre perfect. So fucking perfectâŠ.all for me. Mine. My girlâŠâ
âYours.â You whisper, kissing his neck as he lets out a gasp.
âHah! Fuck! Y-youâŠoh god! YouâreâŠsqueezingâ meâŠso good. So fucking good! Are you close, sweetheart? Tell me youâre close. Please tell me youâre close!â He pleads.
âMâalmost there, Eds.â You moan, gripping tightly onto his biceps as he keeps fucking into you âJust keep going, baby. Donât stop.â
âNo, no, no. Not gonna stopâŠIâve got you, sweetheart. Iâve fucking got you. ShitâŠ.just give it to me, yeah? Please? God, please, angel. I need you to cum. Need you to give it to me.â
âEddieâŠâ You whine.
âFuck, baby! Youâre squeezing me so goodâŠ.you gonna cum? Yeah? You gonna cum for me? Please fucking cum for me, angel.â
He slams into you relentlessly, reaching down between the two of you to rub hurried circles on your clit.
âEddie!â
âFuck, baby, youâre so close. I can feel it. Come on, sweetheart, fucking cum for me. Need to feel you cum on my cock.â
It hit you faster than you expected, your orgasm peaking with a high pitched gasp that had Eddie tumbling right after you.
âOh my god, sweetheart! Atta girl!â He groans âIâm so close, baby. Gonna fucking cum. Gonna- oh shit!â
Eddie grasps your hand, squeezing it as he released inside of you- filling you up as he panted and whimpering above you. His arms give out, sending him collapsing on top of you as he tries to catch his breath.
âFuckâŠâ He laughs, gasping for air âThat wasâŠgod, youâre amazing.â
He presses featherlight kisses to your forehead, your temples, your cheeks.
âI love you.â He whispers âI love you so much.â
âI love you too.â You say, looking up at him as he looms over you- the ends of his curly tresses brushing against your face. You reach up, grabbing his necklace as you absentmindedly turn it over between your fingers.
Eddie just stares down at you. Admiring. Watching.
Fuck, you were so beautiful.
âYou okay?â You ask, noticing that he hadnât yet pulled out and rolled over onto the mattress beside you like he normally did.
âYeah.â He says, clearing his throat âI justâŠcan I just stay here like this? Just for a little longer?â
You watch as he looks down at your tangled up bodies, his eyes staring at where you met.
âWhat do you mean? Like-â
âInside you.â He admits âJust like this. I just want to stay here with me inside you. Is that okay?â
âSure.â You nod, reaching up to brush a strand of hair out of his eyes âOkay.â
âI justâŠ.I love being inside of you. Even after we have sex. I love how warm you feelâŠ.and wet. IâŠokay, youâre going to think Iâm a total weirdo creep when I say this.â
âYeah? What else is new?â You joke, causing Eddie to playfully tap you on the arm.
âStop it.â He says âIâm being serious here. IâŠI love being inside of you. Itâs my favorite place. I know that sounds crazy but I feel safe. Right here like thisâŠwith you. You make me feel safe.â
The words that left his lips had made you feel tingly inside. Good. Loved.
âYou feel safe with me?â You ask, looking into his brown doe eyes.
âYeah, I do.â He sighs âBut especially like this. I could stay like this forever. Knowing that this is the closest that Iâll ever be to you.â
âOkay, thatâs actually really sweet.â You murmur.
âCan I ask you for something else? Without you judging me?â Eddie asks, his voice coming out small.
âOf course.â You say, threading your fingers through his hair.
âCan youâŠcan you hold me, please? Would that be weird? If thatâs too weird-â
âCome here.â You whisper, wrapping your arms to pull him down to you- allowing him to lay on top of you fully as he buries his face in your neck. He inhales your scent, smiling into your hair as he closes his eyes.
You smelled like home.
You felt like warmth.
You were safety.
âThis good?â You ask.
Eddie nods his head against your neck, wrapping his arms around you so that you were pressed tightly against him.
âThis is perfect.â He mutters.
Home.
Warmth.
Safety.
You.
âI can feel your heart beating.â He whispers as you run your fingers down his back soothingly, sending a shiver down his body.
Your touch. Your body. Your heartbeat.
You were so close. He wanted nothing more than this. To be completely wrapped up in you.
âI donât want to be anywhere else but here.â He says, mumbling against your neck âWith you.â
He pulls away for a second, taking you aback as he reaches for one of your hands- gently placing it over his heart.
âDo you feel how crazy you make me?â He asks, looking down at you as you felt his heart race beneath your touch âThatâs what you do to me, sweetheart. No one else. You. I love you. I love you until my heart stops beating, you understand.â
âI love you too, Eddie.â You proclaim âMore than anything.â
âGood.â He smiles, nuzzling his nose against your cheek âBecause youâre stuck with me. Forever. Just like this.â
And you couldnât imagine wanting to be with anyone else but Eddie. Forever.
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Summary: Tucker tries to make cookies, you just mess around, ending with him mad at you. Luckily, you know what to do to stop him from being mad at you (he literally melts into your kisses).
Disclaimer: English is not my first language, so I apologize if there are any spelling or grammatical errors.
You were just playing around the kitchen while your boyfriend tried to cook something. You don't really know how to cook anything without burning it, so you couldn't really help him, but you definitely didn't want to wait in his room. So, as an incredibly supportive girlfriend, you were bothering him.
You took a little flour and threw it at him, giggling when he did the same to you. But sadly, it came to a point where Tucker decided to really lock in on the recipe and stop laughing at your attempts to start a food fight.
âBabe, this is serious, my mom finally shared her recipe with me and I want to try it,â he calls out to you, frustrated by your lack of seriousness.
You didn't think that he was being serious, so you kept bothering him until he stopped laughing or smiling and frowned, mad, and stopped answering you or looking at you.
It's then that you understand that you have screwed up.
Tucker had his arms crossed and didn't look at you at all until you put a hand on his chin, making him look at you, and pressed your lips to his slowly. His frown disappeared, his arms dropped immediately, placing them on your waist. He kissed you back without hesitation, melting slowly into your touch.
âItâs not fair,â he mumbled into the kiss.
You giggle, breaking the kiss.
âYou can't do that when I'm mad at you,â he mumbled again, completely lost in your eyes.
âI love you,â you respond, smiling widely when you see how his eyes shine at the words.
âI love you too, beautiful,â he kissed you, dragging you closer to him.
âI thought we were baking cookies,â you mumble mid kiss.
âFuck the cookies,â he answered back, turning the sweet kiss into a deeper one, placing your body between his and the kitchen counter.
It could have gone farther if it wasn't for Dean walking into the kitchen.
âWow, wow guys, there is something called rooms upstairs if you want to try it.â
You flip him off, kissing Tucker again, way hungrier than before. You could hear Dean gagging at it.
âSeriously, please not in the kitchen,â he cried out, looking away from both of you, finding the ceiling way more interesting.
âIt's not like you used it anyway, man,â Tucker answered him, unable to think properly because you trailed your kisses from his lips to his jaw and neck, leaving marks there.
âOkay, I'm out.â Dean walked away, mumbling something about never using the kitchen again.
Not like he did anyway.
Tucker started to lead you both to the stairs until you stopped.
âThe cookies,â you pout, looking at the chocolate chip dough balls arranged on the baking tray on the counter.
âIâll bake them for you later,â he answered quickly, taking your hand and running upstairs.
You just giggle because who would have thought that trying to cook cookies would have ended up this way.
Because you definitely didn't kiss him with that intention.
Right?
This is a short one but I can't stand how Tucker is not receiving the attention he deserves đ
summary: allie comes over for movie night, but neither of you end up paying much attention to the movie. (not smutâŠ)
parings: allie hayes x fem!reader
a/n: hey guys⊠hehe itâs been a while since i posted.. i just wanted to focus on school because it was super stressful but SCHOOL IS OVER!! and summer break is finally here. unfortunately that means i need to start looking for a job.. but weâll do that later.. okay anyway i been super obsessed with off campus!! itâs so good and i love it.. so guys nowâs ur chance to send me requests because im locked in. okay hereâs a cute allie fic i hope you guys enjoy⊠send requests for off campus!!
HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!
it starts with a text that comes in when youâre not really doing anything important.
allie: hey iconnn, movie night?
iâm bored
iâm coming over btw
you stare at it for a second longer than you should, sitting cross-legged on your bed, then type back without thinking too hard about it.
you: you donât even ask anymore đ
allie: because you always say yes
and you hate that sheâs right.
thereâs a knock at your door not long after, a little impatient like she already knows youâre going to open it anyway.
when you do, allie is standing there like sheâs trying not to smile too obviously. sheâs got snacks in both hands, shifting them slightly when she sees you like she suddenly remembers sheâs supposed to act normal.
âhey,â she says, softer than the text messages were.
you step aside. âyouâre acting like this is a planned event.â
âit is,â she says, walking past you like sheâs already decided where sheâs going. âyou just didnât know about it.â
you let out a quiet breath that almost turns into a laugh and close the door behind her. she moves into your room without hesitation, setting the snacks down and glancing around like she already belongs there.
you notice her hair first. down, a little messy, falling into her face in a way she keeps brushing back without noticing sheâs doing it.
she catches you looking and her eyebrows lift slightly. âwhat.â
you shake your head a little too fast. ânothing.â
when time passes you guys are now sitting on your bed watching mamma mia.. itâs a classic and a musical something you both love and happily agreed on.
the movie keeps going but neither of you are really watching it anymore. itâs still playing, still filling the room with noise, but it feels distant now, like it belongs to something else entirely.
allie shifts slightly beside you, not enough to feel deliberate, just enough that the space between you changes without either of you acknowledging it. her shoulder brushes yours again and this time it doesnât feel accidental in the way it probably is.
you donât move away.
a few seconds pass like that, quiet in a way that feels heavier than it should. allie tilts her head a little toward you, eyes drifting off the screen like sheâs already forgotten itâs even playing. she looks at you a second too long, like sheâs thinking something she hasnât said yet, and when she finally talks itâs quieter, like sheâs not really saying it to the room at all.
âyouâre pretty good at this,â she says.
you glance at her a little slowly, like you didnât expect that. âat what.â
she makes a small, vague motion between the two of you, the bed, the movie, like sheâs not even sure how to explain it properly. âthis. just⊠being you.â
that makes you look away before you mean to, like it landed too close to something you donât usually let people touch. your fingers tighten slightly in the blanket without you noticing at first, and when you finally speak your voice is quieter than before.
âthatâs a weird thing to say,â you admit, not really looking at her when you say it.
allie just shrugs a little, still looking at you instead of the screen. âitâs true though.â
thereâs a pause after that not empty⊠just slower. like even the room feels like itâs moving a little differently now.
you shift a little, adjusting like you suddenly forgot how to sit still, and she notices. of course she does. her knee nudges yours lightly again, not pulling away this time, just staying there like it belongs.
âyouâre not even watching the movie,â you say quietly, more just to say something than because it really matters.
allie hums like sheâs thinking about it, but she doesnât look away from you. âneither are you.â
you let out a small breath through your nose, almost a laugh, but it doesnât fully come out. âyouâre really distracting,â you say, softer than you liked.
âme?â she asks, like sheâs offended, but thereâs a smile in it now. âyouâre the one looking at me.â
you glance at her properly then, and sheâs already looking back, closer now without either of you really deciding it happened. her expression isnât teasing anymore, not really. itâs quieter, more steady, like sheâs waiting for something she hasnât said yet.
âwhat?â you murmur, because you can feel the shift even if you donât know what to call it.
ânothing,â she says again, but she doesnât look away.
and thatâs the problem.. because nothing about her feels like nothing right now.
thereâs a beat where the movie changes scenes and neither of you react at all. the sound keeps going but it might as well not exist.
allie leans in just slightly, not closing the distance fully, just enough that you feel it. her voice drops when she speaks again, softer now, like sheâs not trying to interrupt anything anymore.
âyou know..â she paused. âyouâre really pretty,â she says.
it lands differently this time. slower. heavier. not like a comment, more like something she didnât mean to hold in.
you go still for a second, not dramatic, just caught. your eyes flick down briefly, then back up, and thereâs a small, nervous smile that slips in before you can stop it, like your body reacted before your brain caught up.
âyou canât just say that,â you say quietly, but it doesnât really come out sharp like you wanted it to, it came out shy instead.
allie watches you like sheâs trying to figure out why that reaction matters to her more than it should. âwhy not?â she asks.
you hesitate, shifting a little closer without realizing youâre doing it. âbecause it makes me feel like i have to say something back,â you admit, voice low now, a little more honest than you probably meant it to be.
that makes her expression change slightly, like she wasnât expecting that answer at all. she doesnât push it though, just nods a little like sheâs taking it in.
âyou donât have to,â she says, after a second. âi just think it.â
that does something worse, honestly, because itâs even quieter now, even more real, and thereâs nowhere to hide it.
you glance at her for a second too long, then away, then back again, like youâre trying to figure out what youâre supposed to do with the space between you.
âyouâre pretty too,â you say, and it comes out softer than everything else, like you didnât fully decide to say it before it happened.
allie goes still for a moment, just looking at you like sheâs letting it sit there between you, then she shifts a little closer without really thinking about it.
her hand is already there before you fully notice it, resting lightly on your thigh, like it didnât need permission so much as confirmation, and you donât move away from it. you just look at her instead.
the movie keeps playing behind you both, completely forgotten now, like it was never really part of the night to begin with.
her voice drops, barely there when she speaks. âcan i kiss you?â but thereâs no joke in it or teasing. just her, asking.
you nod once, small. âyeah.â
she leans in slowly, like sheâs giving you every chance to stop her, and you donât.
the kiss starts soft at first, kind of careful in a way that feels almost unfamiliar, like neither of you really trusts it yet or wants to rush into something you canât take back. thereâs a second where it just lingers like that, close but still hesitant, like youâre both waiting to see what the other does.
and you guys canât pull away from the kiss.. or maybe you just donât want too but just like that.. the night goes on.
GUYSSS HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!! WOOOOO!! okay guys im very happy to be back finally!! hehe.. how do you guys like this short fic?? i think itâs very cutesy⊠GUYS PLEASEE send more requests for off campus i do anyone! garrett, dean, hannah, tucker, logan, allie (obvs), and beau.. ok pretty much anyone. sorry if this is bad or so many grammar errors this is not proofread LMAOO. i always end up doing my fics at like 2 am?? not sure why⊠im very obsessed with this show rn.. okay anyway guys i hope you enjoyed this! donât forget to send more requests for off campus and i love you all so muchhh (happy pride.. again!)
See you in the afterlife Bagman. @itmekelpy - Tumblr Blog | Tumlook