5/16/20
man.Â
how things have changed.

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@itlbedecided
5/16/20
man.Â
how things have changed.

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‪If you can discover even the smallest insight about yourself through a relationship, regardless of its duration, it has been successful.‬
today (6/12/18), I
got back in touch with a friend today. It was because I had to ask her a favor, and we ended up chatting on messenger for a long time. I’m thankful for her and the objective view of my life that I got while we talked. Also, I’m really thankful for her for making my life so much loads easier in more than one way.
Today, I also had the most unproductive day at work. I felt pretty bad. But I think I can be better tomorrow.Â
small things that will change your life -
complimenting at least one person a day
looking after yourself by actually scheduling it into your day
making time to talk to friends/fam
looking at the bright side of things
finding productive things to do when you’re free instead of mindlessly scrolling through social media
getting a hobby that engages you and helps you relax
stretching and meditating
taking care of your skin
smiling more
doing more of what you love doing
exercising more
being in nature often
hydrating and moisturizing
taking long walks
going to concerts, parks and museums
reading interesting books
petting smol animals
being yourself for u are amazing and deserve a star (✨)
today (6/11/18), I
realized I might not be what I think I am.
I actually might be -
1. impolite
2. self-serving
3. fatter than I thinkÂ
4. awkward
Jesus, I never thought I could be impolite, but I realized that sometimes, I speak very, very brashedly, especially when I’m high on self-achievement and happiness. It’s like nothing is going to stop me and I want people around me to know that.Â
This is all because I’m very unhappy with who I am as a person. I need validation from others and I won’t even think about how I’m showing off. Anyways, my goal is to
1. be more stable
2. eat healthier (cut back on caffeine, on sugar, increase protein, fats, and veggies)
3. be kinder and responsive
4. more understanding of others around me.Â
I also met the last member of my team at my internship. He had been vacationing for the past three weeks. He seems like a very fun, kind, straight-to-the point person. I really want to maintain a great relationship with all my wonderful coworkers. They’re so awesome and I appreciate their time in inspiring me to become a better person.Â

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today (6/10/18), I
was incredibly stressed with my roommate’s loud voice, actions, and presence
She’s not mean or anything. I don’t even think she’s obnoxiously loud or anything. It’s just that her voice. Everything and anything about it puts me on edge. I’m just overly sensitive. I don’t know why I’m so terribly stressed, but at some point I started hating her, even though I know it’s not her fault and also not my fault either.Â
today(6/9/18), I
thought I’d be awkwardly standing alone at the event but was not bored a single second of the four hours I was out.Â
Company policy and stuff persuaded me to call an Uber Select. I could technically call an uber SUV but I felt bad using money that wasn’t mine. And then. An uber SUV came along and picked me up. A lincoln smth... my driver talked about the rich clients he had, and I was kind of amazed and intrigued. (I ended up Uber-X-ing back home tho. hopefully i get compensated).
At the picnic site, I awkwardly got off, only to immediately start talking with my company yoga teacher and friends. And then we played volleyball. My coworkers are the funniest, awesomest human beings and it’s such a privilege to have to got to know them. Especially my fellow interns- they’re so hilarious and sweet and I love their presence.
Now that I am back, I am relaxing and writing. I’m a little stressed out bc roommate’s boyfriend is due to come (I just hate having guests, but I’m working on it) as it is Saturday night.Â
My goal at the end of this summer is to grow my cs skillset, not be so hyperaware of my surroundings and just live my own life, and to be an entire wholesome human being.
today (6/8/18), I
got a text from the guy I met in my uber pool. At the time, I had been going to grab dinner after a brief time from the sculpture museum. He was sitting shotgun in front of me, making small talk with our uber driver. We actually ended up arriving at the same destination, hilariously enough.
We talked for a bit.Â
And then he asked if I needed someone to hang out with in this area, we could hang out together. I was like, yeah sure, and gave him my number,
and here we are.
he’s quite nice. quite kind.Â
and i’m not.Â
tomorrow’s my company’s picnic. i can bring a guest, and i hadn’t been planning to, but for some reason, i decided to
reach out to an old friend with whom I took a class with over the summer. it’s kind of hanging at the moment- our relationship and the lack of response, i mean.
Ehehehehehehehehehehe Uhm, no. Fucking sick of everything rn
I’ve recently not been posting from my phone, hence the lack of pictures that I take and more gifs/ images from online sources.
This morning, until just now, I was all over the place, like you couldn’t even know what I was going to think the next nanosecond. IT was crazy. The things in my head:
1. Should I get out of here? Go somewhere?
2. Where should I go?
3. When do I go?
4. When are my roommates gonna wake up?
5. What should I eat?
6. God, how do I start this project?
7. Ohmygod I need to write this cover leter.
8. Oh jesus I need to finish this homework.
9. Wait, wasn’t this in the powerpoints? Which powerpoint was it, there’s like... three of them.
10. Maybe webcast helps more.
11. Maybe I should go to the library
12. I’m hungry goddamit
13. I’m tired.
14. Datapathhhhhhhhhhhhhh muhhhhhhhhhhhhh
15. Timing? What the fuck is clktoq NOT doing here?
16. Why am I adding this? What the fuck is clock period? The frequency thing?
17. I want to eat more.
18. I need to write this cover letter.
19. I should take some vit B with me. In case I don’t want to come back.
20. Jesus, I don’t want to leave.
All of the above times 5 was probably what went through my mind the past two hours or so.
Now, I’m full of sugar,protein, coffee, and carbs. LOL. And I’m here to study, Wow, brain, what are you doing?

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I don’t get it. What the fuck do I want?
And today, from 1-3pm, I had a scale 3.3 on the richter scale-existential crisis. I ate lunch with a lovely friend who questioned herself which made me question myself and then I went to soc150 where we watched a TED talk by Sherry Turkle (SHERRY TURKLE would DEFINITELY give me EXISTENTIAL CRISIS)
Do I want this? Do I want to be a CS major?
If I were to die tomorrow, I would fucking buy a chocolate cake and eat it on my way home, throw it up, and eat the dinner my mom cooks as a last meal. If I were to die in a week, fuck school- I’m going to go home and be with my family. If I were to die in a month, fuck school, I’m going home.
If I die in a year, I’d try to graduate college (...why...) somehow while spending as much time with my family as I can.
If I were to die in two years, I would change my major to Cog Sci and study and publish a paper and get some fame and money for my family (can’t die without doing any damage control). I want to explore what people want, and how we can achieve it without harming those around us or resorting to sad methods.
If I were to die in a decade, I would major in Comp Sci, get some money, spend it and travel the world while giving as much of it as I can to my parents.
SO WHAT THE FUCK IS IT THAT I WANT AND WHY AM I SO RESTLESS
It s a good day. Just keep going. My code passed (omfg yasssssssss finally) and things have been resolved very well. I have this anger and anxiety when people dont act the way i hope they do, but i think i couldnt have handled it better than i have today. I m Just making every day a good day.
Also, I’ve been struggling to understand caches. It wasn’t just me, though. I got notes from another school’s CS department and they spend 8 lectures on what we spent 1.5 lectures on. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK THOOOOO
Unusual Asks
Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? None of them. Youtube!!
is your room messy or clean? Messily Clean :D
what color are your eyes? Black. Brown in the sunlight.
do you like your name? why? Yes. It’s deep.
what is your relationship status? Single. It’s the easiest.Â
describe your personality in 3 words or less Perfectionist, Intolerant, Yearning.Â
what color hair do you have? Black.
what kind of car do you drive? color? I don’t have a car.
where do you shop? Trader Joe’s. Walmart. Anywhere cheap and decent.
how would you describe your style? Chic Feminine
favorite social media account Tumblr.Â
what size bed do you have? Twin
any siblings? A younger sis
if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? A one bedroom in a state with nice cost of living (Does Minnesota have a nice cost of living?) Also, within an hour’s distance of my family
favorite snapchat filter? Wtf is snapchat? jk
favorite makeup brand(s) Wtf is makeup? jk
how many times a week do you shower? 3-5
favorite tv show? ...? documentaries? I just recently watched Reaching The Void and it was really super awesome. Need to rewatch it with my sister.Â
shoe size? 8
how tall are you? 5′3′’
sandals or sneakers? Sneakers
do you go to the gym? ohhellno
describe your dream date super comfy no worries at all cuddled on a beanbag or a love seat
how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? 3 dollars
what color socks are you wearing? black and white
how many pillows do you sleep with? 1-2
do you have a job? what do you do? dvlp asst
how many friends do you have? ...depends on the day XD
whats the worst thing you have ever done? hurt myself
whats your favorite candle scent? cinnamon
3 favorite boy names alec, ewen, cory
3 favorite girl names jin, lily, avni
favorite actor? ...not sure
favorite actress? ...don’t have one
who is your celebrity crush? bts members
favorite movie? fantastic beasts and where to find them
do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? harry potter series
money or brains? brains
do you have a nickname? what is it? none
how many times have you been to the hospital? too many times
top 10 favorite songs this is a hassle
do you take any medications daily? nope
what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) perfect
what is your biggest fear? failure, depression, roommates being loud
how many kids do you want? 0
whats your go to hair style? ponytail
what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) loft. hate it.Â
who is your role model? my faculty advisor
what was the last compliment you received? ...not sure...
what was the last text you sent? telling my favorite girlfriend i couldn’t make it to a dinner thing we planned a few days ago bc i was having diarrhea
how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? 8. my mom sat me down, made me citron tea, and smiled and said that she was the santa. i took it quite well. probably because of the citron tea.
what is your dream car? something that is economic and environmentally friendly
opinion on smoking? pls don’t really don’t. srsly. do not come close to me with a cigar in your hand.Â
do you go to college? yeah
what is your dream job? something that pays awesomely well (6 digits) and something that I like doing. Duh. this is what everybody wants.
would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? as long as it’s not urban areas and there’s a decent grocery shop nearby, i don’t care.
do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? lol hell ya
do you have freckles? nope
do you smile for pictures? yep
how many pictures do you have on your phone? too many
have you ever peed in the woods? yep
do you still watch cartoons? anime
do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? don’t eat chicken nuggets
Favorite dipping sauce? ranch
what do you wear to bed? sweats and shirt
have you ever won a spelling bee? i think so. i probably have
what are your hobbies? daydreaming, killing time
can you draw? yeah
do you play an instrument? pianist
what was the last concert you saw? i saw concerts from my dormroom window through a curtain.
tea or coffee? coffee
Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? dunkin donuts. i’ve been to starbucks like... a month ago, and dunkin donuts like... 3 years ago, but dunkin donuts reminds me of my happy high school days
do you want to get married? if there is somebody out there
what is your crush’s first and last initial? don’t have one
are you going to change your last name when you get married? nope
what color looks best on you? red and blue and black
do you miss anyone right now? yeah
do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed and locked and double locked
do you believe in ghosts? yes
what is your biggest pet peeve? loud people. chewing noises
last person you called` mom
favorite ice cream flavor? cookies and cream
regular oreos or golden oreos? regular
chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? can i have funfetti instead
what shirt are you wearing? striped blue
what is your phone background? my fam
are you outgoing or shy? depends
do you like it when people play with your hair? yeah
do you like your neighbors? no
do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? never. i forget, and just shower
have you ever been high? high on depression
have you ever been drunk? mildly mellowed out
last thing you ate? rice and kimchi and tuna
favorite lyrics right now from bts’s fire
summer or winter? winter
day or night? night
dark, milk, or white chocolate? dark
favorite month? november
what is your zodiac sign leo
who was the last person you cried in front of? one of my TAs
Webcast on left, tumblr on right. Wtf am i doing 😂 Also, had a slight moment yesterday. One of my newly made guy friends invited me to his home when i asked for help on school stuff. I was like whut why when he invited me to his home. And i wasnt wrong. I pretended to be oblivious, but my entire walk back home was me screaming internally. Lol somebody sees me as a girl. Wow. And i really want to buy him dinner bc he s saved my life for the past few weeks, but he hasnt responded to my text... i m not interested in physical uhhh romance. Im not interested in sex. It s too complicated... But i really dont even know if he s a student here or what. In hindsight, me walking into a dude s home was already a recipe for internal inferno. But nothing happened, and he was courteous the entire time, keeping his space and being not overbearing and letting me do my stuff and being patient and Holy fuck i need to go studyyyy

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Feeling too awake and too dead at the same time. SOS lol ok imma just complete lab and do my best with proj 1-2. It ll be great hahahahahahaotl
Ive been going back home late lately. It s really nice, after a long productive day. Not sure why i was plagued with so many thoughts of how i m absolutely terribly inadequate, but i have no time for this. Get my shit together and let go of stupid time consuming self deprecation and fucking move on.