today, I

man. 

got back in touch with a friend today. It was because I had to ask her a favor, and we ended up chatting on messenger for a long time. I’m thankful for her and the objective view of my life that I got while we talked. Also, I’m really thankful for her for making my life so much loads easier in more than one way.

realized I might not be what I think I am.

I actually might be -

1. impolite

2. self-serving

3. fatter than I think 

4. awkward

Jesus, I never thought I could be impolite, but I realized that sometimes, I speak very, very brashedly, especially when I’m high on self-achievement and happiness. It’s like nothing is going to stop me and I want people around me to know that. 

This is all because I’m very unhappy with who I am as a person. I need validation from others and I won’t even think about how I’m showing off. Anyways, my goal is to

1. be more stable

2. eat healthier (cut back on caffeine, on sugar, increase protein, fats, and veggies)

3. be kinder and responsive

4. more understanding of others around me. 

was incredibly stressed with my roommate’s loud voice, actions, and presence

thought I’d be awkwardly standing alone at the event but was not bored a single second of the four hours I was out. 

Company policy and stuff persuaded me to call an Uber Select. I could technically call an uber SUV but I felt bad using money that wasn’t mine. And then. An uber SUV came along and picked me up. A lincoln smth... my driver talked about the rich clients he had, and I was kind of amazed and intrigued. (I ended up Uber-X-ing back home tho. hopefully i get compensated).

At the picnic site, I awkwardly got off, only to immediately start talking with my company yoga teacher and friends. And then we played volleyball. My coworkers are the funniest, awesomest human beings and it’s such a privilege to have to got to know them. Especially my fellow interns- they’re so hilarious and sweet and I love their presence.

Now that I am back, I am relaxing and writing. I’m a little stressed out bc roommate’s boyfriend is due to come (I just hate having guests, but I’m working on it) as it is Saturday night. 

got a text from the guy I met in my uber pool. At the time, I had been going to grab dinner after a brief time from the sculpture museum. He was sitting shotgun in front of me, making small talk with our uber driver. We actually ended up arriving at the same destination, hilariously enough.

We talked for a bit. 

And then he asked if I needed someone to hang out with in this area, we could hang out together. I was like, yeah sure, and gave him my number,

and here we are.

he’s quite nice. quite kind. 

and i’m not. 

tomorrow’s my company’s picnic. i can bring a guest, and i hadn’t been planning to, but for some reason, i decided to

I’ve recently not been posting from my phone, hence the lack of pictures that I take and more gifs/ images from online sources.

This morning, until just now, I was all over the place, like you couldn’t even know what I was going to think the next nanosecond. IT was crazy. The things in my head:

1. Should I get out of here? Go somewhere?

2. Where should I go?

3. When do I go?

4. When are my roommates gonna wake up?

5. What should I eat?

6. God, how do I start this project?

7. Ohmygod I need to write this cover leter.

8. Oh jesus I need to finish this homework.

9. Wait, wasn’t this in the powerpoints? Which powerpoint was it, there’s like... three of them.

10. Maybe webcast helps more.

11. Maybe I should go to the library

12. I’m hungry goddamit

13. I’m tired.

14. Datapathhhhhhhhhhhhhh muhhhhhhhhhhhhh

15. Timing? What the fuck is clktoq NOT doing here?

16. Why am I adding this? What the fuck is clock period? The frequency thing?

17. I want to eat more.

18. I need to write this cover letter.

19. I should take some vit B with me. In case I don’t want to come back.

20. Jesus, I don’t want to leave.

All of the above times 5 was probably what went through my mind the past two hours or so.

I don’t get it. What the fuck do I want?

And today, from 1-3pm, I had a scale 3.3 on the richter scale-existential crisis. I ate lunch with a lovely friend who questioned herself which made me question myself and then I went to soc150 where we watched a TED talk by Sherry Turkle (SHERRY TURKLE would DEFINITELY give me EXISTENTIAL CRISIS)

Do I want this? Do I want to be a CS major?

If I were to die tomorrow, I would fucking buy a chocolate cake and eat it on my way home, throw it up, and eat the dinner my mom cooks as a last meal. If I were to die in a week, fuck school- I’m going to go home and be with my family. If I were to die in a month, fuck school, I’m going home.

If I die in a year, I’d try to graduate college (...why...) somehow while spending as much time with my family as I can.

If I were to die in two years, I would change my major to Cog Sci and study and publish a paper and get some fame and money for my family (can’t die without doing any damage control). I want to explore what people want, and how we can achieve it without harming those around us or resorting to sad methods.

If I were to die in a decade, I would major in Comp Sci, get some money, spend it and travel the world while giving as much of it as I can to my parents.

It s a good day. Just keep going. My code passed (omfg yasssssssss finally) and things have been resolved very well. I have this anger and anxiety when people dont act the way i hope they do, but i think i couldnt have handled it better than i have today. I m Just making every day a good day.

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? None of them. Youtube!!

is your room messy or clean? Messily Clean :D

what color are your eyes? Black. Brown in the sunlight.

do you like your name? why? Yes. It’s deep.

what is your relationship status? Single. It’s the easiest. 

describe your personality in 3 words or less Perfectionist, Intolerant, Yearning. 

what color hair do you have? Black.

what kind of car do you drive? color? I don’t have a car.

where do you shop? Trader Joe’s. Walmart. Anywhere cheap and decent.

how would you describe your style? Chic Feminine

favorite social media account Tumblr. 

what size bed do you have?  Twin

any siblings? A younger sis

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? A one bedroom in a state with nice cost of living (Does Minnesota have a nice cost of living?) Also, within an hour’s distance of my family

favorite snapchat filter? Wtf is snapchat? jk

favorite makeup brand(s) Wtf is makeup? jk

how many times a week do you shower? 3-5

favorite tv show? ...? documentaries? I just recently watched Reaching The Void and it was really super awesome. Need to rewatch it with my sister. 

shoe size? 8

how tall are you? 5′3′’

sandals or sneakers? Sneakers

do you go to the gym? ohhellno

describe your dream date super comfy no worries at all cuddled on a beanbag or a love seat

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? 3 dollars

what color socks are you wearing? black and white

how many pillows do you sleep with? 1-2

do you have a job? what do you do? dvlp asst

how many friends do you have? ...depends on the day XD

whats the worst thing you have ever done? hurt myself

whats your favorite candle scent? cinnamon

3 favorite boy names alec, ewen, cory

3 favorite girl names jin, lily, avni

favorite actor?  ...not sure

favorite actress? ...don’t have one

who is your celebrity crush? bts members

favorite movie? fantastic beasts and where to find them

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? harry potter series

money or brains? brains

do you have a nickname? what is it? none

how many times have you been to the hospital? too many times

top 10 favorite songs this is a hassle

do you take any medications daily? nope

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) perfect

what is your biggest fear? failure, depression, roommates being loud

how many kids do you want? 0

whats your go to hair style? ponytail

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) loft. hate it. 

who is your role model? my faculty advisor

what was the last compliment you received? ...not sure...

what was the last text you sent? telling my favorite girlfriend i couldn’t make it to a dinner thing we planned a few days ago bc i was having diarrhea

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? 8. my mom sat me down, made me citron tea, and smiled and said that she was the santa. i took it quite well. probably because of the citron tea.

what is your dream car? something that is economic and environmentally friendly

opinion on smoking? pls don’t really don’t. srsly. do not come close to me with a cigar in your hand. 

do you go to college? yeah

what is your dream job? something that pays awesomely well (6 digits) and something that I like doing. Duh. this is what everybody wants.

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? as long as it’s not urban areas and there’s a decent grocery shop nearby, i don’t care.

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? lol hell ya

do you have freckles? nope

do you smile for pictures? yep

how many pictures do you have on your phone? too many

have you ever peed in the woods? yep

do you still watch cartoons? anime

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? don’t eat chicken nuggets

Favorite dipping sauce? ranch

what do you wear to bed? sweats and shirt

have you ever won a spelling bee? i think so. i probably have

what are your hobbies? daydreaming, killing time

can you draw? yeah

do you play an instrument? pianist

what was the last concert you saw? i saw concerts from my dormroom window through a curtain.

tea or coffee? coffee

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? dunkin donuts. i’ve been to starbucks like... a month ago, and dunkin donuts like... 3 years ago, but dunkin donuts reminds me of my happy high school days

do you want to get married? if there is somebody out there

what is your crush’s first and last initial? don’t have one

are you going to change your last name when you get married? nope

what color looks best on you? red and blue and black

do you miss anyone right now? yeah

do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed and locked and double locked

do you believe in ghosts? yes

what is your biggest pet peeve? loud people. chewing noises

last person you called` mom

favorite ice cream flavor? cookies and cream

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? can i have funfetti instead

what shirt are you wearing? striped blue

what is your phone background? my fam

are you outgoing or shy? depends

do you like it when people play with your hair? yeah

do you like your neighbors? no

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? never. i forget, and just shower

have you ever been high? high on depression

have you ever been drunk? mildly mellowed out

last thing you ate? rice and kimchi and tuna

favorite lyrics right now from bts’s fire

summer or winter? winter

day or night? night

dark, milk, or white chocolate? dark

favorite month? november

what is your zodiac sign leo