it is yay

It’s been 19 years...19 years since terrorists took control of airplanes and flew them into buildings, killing more than we could count. It almost slipped my mind, which I never would have guessed could happen. I never thought I wouldn’t remember, wouldn’t be counting the hours until the exact moment when it started on that Tuesday morning 19 years ago. For years I thought it was the worst thing that could happen to this country...couldn’t imagine what could possibly be worse. But what’s happening now is definitely worse. So much worse. 

But today is about remembering...about reflecting on how America really was great that day, and the day after, and so many more after that. It’s about remembering the lives lost in New York and Virginia and Pennsylvania. It’s about remembering the heroes who stormed the cabin, averting a much greater disaster than was planned. It’s about that waitress from the Chili’s I used to go to in San Jose, the pilot who went to school at San José State, the people who jumped from a burning building. And it’s about all the heroes who ran in.

Let us never forget the firefighters, the police, the paramedics, the emergency workers, and countless others who ran into the fire, into the rubble, into holy terror. So many of them lost their lives. So many have lost their lives in the years since. Those that are still with us will never be the same. A friend’s husband was one of those heroes. A colleague was another. They are still with us but their lives were forever changed. As were the lives of all Americans.

America was truly the United States on that day and the days that followed. People from all walks of life came together to pray, to cry, to tremble, to remember. It didn’t seem to matter if you were a Democrat or a Republican or whether you considered yourself an Independent. No one seemed to care about the color of your skin, though I know a lot of people immediately profiled individuals from Islamic countries, which was awful. It wasn’t perfect, and a lot of mistakes were made. We can see those easily now but in those moments, in those first few days, we were one country, united in the middle of disaster, and it was beautiful.

There have been countless stories told about that day but none of them quite capture exactly what happened, how it actually felt to watch those towers fall, to see that plane hit the pentagon, to hear the last words of people who knew they were going to die. There’s no way a reenactment or a dramatization could even come close. It was surreal. No one could imagine that this could happen in America. Land of the free? Home of the brave? No. That couldn’t happen here. But it did. And we’ve never been quite the same. 

I saw the site of the towers - Ground Zero - a year or so after it happened. And it was overwhelming. That’s truly all I can say about it. I haven’t seen the new tower or the memorial. I’m not sure I want to, though I understand it’s quite powerful. I have seen the exhibits in the American History Museum at the Smithsonian, the one that includes a portion of the twisted steel from one of the towers, the camera used to capture some of the historical footage, and so much more. Seeing the steel nearly broke me. It stopped me in my tracks, and I shed more than a few tears. To think that the once towering skyscraper was reduced to a heap of metal was staggering. 

I still remember how it felt when I turned on the news that morning as I was getting ready for work. It’s one of the last times I watched the morning news. It was curious that a plane had hit the first tower. The media all thought it was a small plane gone awry but they didn’t seem overly concerned. And then I watched the second plane hit and realized immediately just how serious it was. I’ll never forget watching that happen, nor will I forget watching that first tower crumble to the ground. I’m honestly not sure how I found the will to drive to work. 

I remember how eerie everything felt as the rest of the news started to unfold...the Pentagon, Pennsylvania...we were sent home amidst warnings that landmarks all over the country were targeted. I remember not wanting to go because I couldn’t imagine what I would do once I got home. So I went to the store and bought food and water, because it felt like it could be the end of the world. I wasn't alone in that feeling. I called my parents and maybe some friends. And then I sat in front of the TV and watched. For hours. Maybe days. It was impossible to look away even though they kept showing the same images over and over again. I’m not sure you could pay me enough to watch them today. 

But when the time comes this morning, I’ll pause for a few moments to remember. I’ll relive it once again. Because even though it almost slipped my mind, I would never let the day go without taking taking time to reflect. It sometimes feels like it happened yesterday, not 19 years ago.

So much has changed since that day. And for a while I thought we were doing okay in this country, thought we’d gotten It together, figured out how to truly be united. But we haven’t. In fact we’re as bad as we’ve ever been and getting worse. I’m holding onto hope that we’ll see the reunification of our country someday, even if it’s not in my lifetime. But oh would I like to be alive to see it. Because we have the capacity to be amazing. And if that day should come where we truly are united, I will cry tears of joy because I know it will be unbelievably beautiful.

Until then...be strong...believe...

I’ve been on vacation since August 1 (today’s my last day - boo) and my primary goal when I stopped work on July 31 was to read. One thing I’ve noticed during this work-from-home time is that I haven’t been reading nearly as much as I was prior to March. And I think it’s primarily because I normally read when I went out to eat and well, I’m not doing that so...my reading has declined. Sure, I’ve found some time on the weekend to do a little reading, but I’d gotten out of the habit. So, when I decided to take this last week off I knew that all I wanted to do was read.

And read I did. 

I somehow managed to read TEN books in the last nine days. I’d been hoping for six or seven but to read ten was fantastic. I also managed to take a lot of walks, get laundry done, and run a few errands. But truly, this was a vacation of books.

The first four books I read were hard covers/paperbacks - real tangible books that you can hold in your hand. And they were glorious. 

These books took me to Amish country, middle America, the South, and across the country on Route 66. They were filled with tragedy, relationships, secrets, and a variety of adventures. They made me laugh, made me cry, made me angry, and made me think.

One of the greatest things about books is that they help you think about worlds that aren’t your own. They help you learn about people who aren’t just like you. They remind you that life is far from perfect and that love (and music) can get you through almost anything.

Next I read a soon-to-be-published manuscript by an author whose name I can’t provide. I can’t tell you the title or much of what it’s about but I can tell you that it took me to Italy in two different times in history. It’s filled with relationships, humor, history, and oh yeah, murder. I know you’re gonna love it!

The remaining books I read were all electronic, which I read on my phone. I have a reader of some sort somewhere but it’s just so much easier on my phone. I always prefer the “real” book but sometimes it’s nice to be able to carry a bunch of options in your hand. 

These books took me to the future, to the middle of a political race, and on a train ride from California to Chicago. There were lies and affairs, conspiracy, a mystery to be solved, and some of the coolest technology you could imagine, some of which was ultimately terrifying. I met extremely wealthy people, and those not as well off. I met senators and authors, political activists and tech geniuses. And they were all interesting and fun and infuriating at times. 

It’s month five of shelter-in-place, month five of working from home, month five of wondering when this will end. But it’s also month five of near daily walks, month five of not having to wear shoes to work, month five of getting random stuff done around the house. 

I’ve been thinking about the things I’ve learned during these unprecedented times; I’m sure many of you have done the same. I’ve been thinking about what I’ve done, and what I haven’t, what events I’m missing, what restaurants I miss, what friends I’d love to see...wondering when any of those things will happen again. And so I decided to make a few short lists, just to remind myself over the next few years, what it was like in August of 2020, where my mind was, where my heart was...

Five things I’ve learned about myself:

I actually like working from home

I’m much less stressed when I don’t have constant interruptions

I like taking walks

I still don’t like to cook

I love Tik Tok

Five things I miss:

Going out to eat/meeting friends for dinner

Going to the movies

Going to games and concerts, though not as much as I would have guessed

Going to the hair salon

Wandering through a store or the mall just because

Five things I don’t miss:

Crowds

Driving

In-person meetings

Being in my office

Traffic

Five cool things that have happened:

Hamilton on Disney+

Online shows from favorite artists

Online church

I learned how to make the perfect filet at home - and next time I’ll do it without setting off the smoke detector

I discovered Thrive Market

Five things I’d like to pretend never happened:

Sliced my thumb open while cooking

Fell off a chair while changing the battery in the smoke detector - so many bruises and still not 100% healed

Baked potato explosion in the oven during the perfect filet moment

Joined Tik Tok - I love it but I have to set a timer for how long I can watch or I get sucked in for an hour or more

The 2019-2020 Sharks hockey season - oh wait, that ended in like December, right?

Five things I’ve learned about the United States of America:

Most people want to make it better

Most people want to do the right thing; some just don’t know where to start

As a whole, we are an incredibly selfish and entitled country that’s gone unchecked for far too long

There are a lot more racists than I realized

If the leadership doesn’t change, we will be in even more trouble than we are now

Five things I hope look different when this all ends:

Healthcare for all

The President (I think we all know this isn’t ending before the election and likely not before the inauguration)

Justice for Breonna Taylor and Elijah McClain and so many others

A truly equal society, or at least one that's further down the road to that goal

A stronger sense of community across the nation, less individualism, more compassion and more togetherness

Five things I know for sure:

Jesus is still in control and knows exactly what’s going to happen and when

Black Lives Matter

This pandemic may be just the thing this country needed to get its act together

There is still much more good than evil in this country and throughout the world

Music almost always makes things better

Today marked the two-year anniversary of my grandfather’s death. He was 98 years old and lived a full life. As I was getting ready for bed tonight, before I thought about putting these thoughts down, I was reminded of a wonderful old hymn. I think the words adequately express what I’m feeling right now and how my faith keeps me strong. I hope they give you comfort as well.

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot

Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin oh the bliss of this glorious thought

My sin not in part but the whole

Is nailed to the cross

And I bear it no more

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Oh, my soul

And Lord haste the day when the faith shall be sight

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll

The trump shall resound

And the Lord shall descend

Even so, it is well with my soul