The sound of crickets and tree frogs ringing in my ears
The lump in my throat expanding
Until it rips me wide open
It keeps on coming back to me
The regrets are getting louder and louder
And I don’t know what I am doing anymore
At an impasse again and I don’t know what to do
This line…. this damn song… “A little girl who needs her daddy real bad…”
It rings on repeat when I sleep
I just want to fix this broken perception
I don’t want to be in pain anymore
And I don’t know how to stop it
It gets harder and harder
I ruined every possible chance I’ve ever had
Working a retail job I can’t stand
Preaching beautiful words that I cannot follow myself
It’s so much easier to see for everyone else
I try to take care of you
How would you change it??
Will I ever feel whole again?
I’ve written endlessly about it
I just want them all around me
To tell me that they love me
That they do no matter what
I want to shake this child inside of me
And I keep asking you to trust me
And you resist and resist
I feel it all in my chest
I feel like Ill break at any minute
Get in my car and just start driving
But I don’t like to be alone
And I don’t want to be here with you
Getting you better prepared
For the woman who finds you next
This allegory, big ol’ facade
It’s just the way it goes
I don’t want to be your mommy anymore
I don’t want you to act out like my daddy
You never asked for any of this
You tell me that you’re happy
The empty bottles say otherwise
how do you still have legs to stand over and correct me?
From where I’m standing you’re full of words
Crying out for some attention
A little boy who never felt love properly
And I a little girl who feels abandoned by everyone and everything
Thick as thieves in jail cells
I wan to have faith in you
I know you don’t trust me
You’re waiting for the day to come
That we are holding one another down and back
And I write this and it hurts because it’s a huge fucking lie
I know you’d bleed for me
I know you would do everything in your power to show me
But that also isn’t fully true
It’s all beginning to feel like
The version of me that is just angry
Angry for my lack of trying
Year to year…I feel myself soften
Try to give the benefit of the doubt
And if the epitome of unconditional love is
The knowing that I am supported
Then I know I will be forgiven
I know I will be set free
Not supposed to be improper
So why do you run away little boy?
What is going on inside of your mind?
What slight have I made against you this time?
Maybe one day you’ll realize
Those chinks in your armor grow wider and wider
And you’ve all but rusted and fallen apart
Yet you remain a titan in your mind
The mouse yelling at the elephant
I’m convinced I’m just a ghost
Listlessly wandering through these halls
Haunting you until you lose your mind
It’s just the wind howling again
It’s just your eyes playing tricks again
When you see my shadow out of the corners of your eyes
