Journal_ish

I think at Spaceship Media, we really recognize that polarization hurts democracy because it reduces people. When doing this piece and moderating our Facebook conversations about politics, I see the importance of amplifying the experiences behind why people think (and vote) the way they do. One quote in the piece by a conservative-leaning member: 

Sketch of me, presenting my practicum at the CUNY Graduate School of Journalism. Art by my friend Cathy Duma-Gallagher. 

The place: downtown Newark, New Jersey. This is where I got a good amount of my reporting chops when I was in undergrad. I wouldn’t change that about it. I can imagine myself prowling the streets with a recorder and reporter’s notebook — you know, the one that flips? Signs of the ‘67 rebellion would still echo throughout the city in the form of abandoned buildings and empty sidewalks at 11 PM sharp. 

I’d probably be a beat reporter at the Star-Ledger and an adjunct at Rutgers-Newark, my alma mater. I probably wouldn’t go to grad school, you didn’t need grad school back then. You worked shit hours until you crawled your way up the ladder. I would eventually make my way from the underbelly of Newark streets to the bright lights of New York, where I can see the digital revolution coming from a mile away. 

What a rose-colored way of looking at my career. 

Maybe I’d be at a legacy paper like the Post or at a newer place like Vox. I’d maybe be an investigative reporter ProPublica by now. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe not. Who knows? I often tell myself that I’m cursed to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. I find myself in situations that, as a young person with little experience, gets me steamrolled over by the pros. It would be different if I was 45! 

I understand that I’m in a good position to learn. Absorb this stuff like a sponge. But like every young person, I confuse passion with impatience. I have told myself over and over, “I just want to be there now.” I have no respect for the process. I just want to skip the growing pains. I feel like the pimply, awkward teenager of journalism. 

Now, I’m at a scrappy start-up. It’s great. They listen to my ideas and what I have to say. And I’m learning something new and the job has consumed me in a way that I enjoy. 

Get over yourself and do the damn thing 

Look! It me. In the studio doing my thingy, thang, thang. 

Everyone has their insecurities. My biggest challenge has been trying to get over the thought that I’m just plain stupid. It’s a nagging feeling of worthlessness rooted in irrational fear. It’s the reason why I seldom speak in class. I take a long time to formulate my thoughts and deliver them confidently. Most (if not all) of my professors at the City University of New York’s Graduate School of Journalism had the same critique of my performance (great work ethic, solid ideas, intelligent but too quiet.) They explained that since I have thoughtful things to say, I should be contributing more to the class. 

By now, my friends are probably sick of hearing about this particular weakness and have told me time and time again that I’m capable of doing great things. My friend and classmate told me this saying, “have the confidence of a mediocre white man!” So I started wondering –– why the hell do I think this way? 

Sometimes, our prior difficulties inform the way we see ourselves and our futures. I used to work at a non-profit. As a new grad and the only communications person, I felt like I was in open water every day. I’m thankful for the opportunity to learn and for the people who have mentored me along the way. Before I got a hold of the responsibilities, I was lost, struggled and worried a lot. I also had anxiety but it became hard to manage. I had to wake up two hours before I had to leave the house because I felt like throwing up and like I couldn’t breathe. 

I accomplished a lot with a little. But I’ve grown afraid of being in new environments and situations where I had to learn on the job (a.k.a school). Even with a Bachelor’s degree in journalism and media studies and a few years of reporting experience, I still felt underqualified to be in graduate school or like I was too dumb to figure things out on my own. There’s no way I could function in a work environment thinking like this. 

Every person has felt down about themselves in one respect or another. Journalists that I admire are people too. Despite everything, they’re still producing meaningful work. That means anyone can do it too. 

Relax, I’m cool with it

View from Facebook Headquarters in New York because I’m a fancy lady. Obviously. Photo by yours truly. 

It seems like millennials (whatever that means) like myself deal with an existential crisis almost every day. I’m certainly no exception. My generation seems to put an emphasis on pursuing fulfilling careers.  On the flip side, if you don’t find yourself working in a field that you’re “meant” to work in, you end up possibly feeling worthless and lost. What, then, is your purpose? 

Take a breather. It’s all bullshit. 

Pursuing journalism has been an uphill battle for as long as I can remember. My parents weren’t thrilled about my career choice and my extended family made it known that they thought I was making a huge mistake. They thought it would be safer for me to study something in the medical field. After I landed a few freelance gigs at some local publications, my parents eased up a bit. I didn’t land anything huge but my experience definitely helped me with my career moving forward, especially now that I’m in graduate school. 

Nothing in journalism comes easily to me. I’m good at writing but I still struggle. I’m knowledgeable in video but not particularly gifted. I have some social media experience but I’m certainly not an expert. I’m a solid reporter but could still use more experience. I started thinking that since I’ve been swimming against the current for a while,  I was just avoiding impending failure. Maybe journalism isn’t what I’m “meant” to do. 

I had to earn the opportunities that I have or create opportunities for myself. It taught me how to think outside the box but more importantly, struggle taught me how to be humble. There’s always room for improvement. While I recognize my strengths, I also look for opportunities to learn. I think journalism suffers when journalists become arrogant. One of my favorite things about journalism is that you learn every day but you don’t know shit. Since I see journalism as a public service, I’m willing to learn from anyone. I think my attitude is much more beneficial to my work than having a false sense of confidence. 

Humility is fragile because the minute you recognize it, it’s gone. So don’t get me wrong, I also have to check myself before I wreck myself. Knowing how to do that helped me connect with people who have vastly different lives from my own.

It’s especially tough when you’re both 

Laying in a hammock, living my best life. 

In previous posts, I’ve described my summer semester at the City University of New York as being very, uh, busy. That would be the lightest way to put it. I’m finally starting to realize that coffee isn’t a food group. 

For the past month, I’ve been forgetting to eat. I often wake up, scrambling to take the bus and then the train. I get to school and do work before sitting in a 3 and a half hour class. I started feeling lethargic and getting random dizzy spells. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t taking care of myself. I had to start paying more attention to my body and my health. 

 I know Tumblr is full of posts about the importance of self-care. In that regard, I’m not really adding anything new to the conversation. But if you’re looking for someone to tell you it’s okay to take a breather, I’m here. And I have a few lessons that I learned along the way. 

Learn to Prioritize and Reprioritize 

This might be an unpopular opinion, but sometimes work is secondary to other responsibilities in life. Other than a journalist and a student, I am an aunt, a friend, a sister and a daughter. While work is very important, it’s okay to step back and reevaluate what needs to be done first. Sometimes, you can’t do work right then and there and that’s OK. 

Of course, there are times that work comes first. (Very often for journalists) When those moments come, your family will understand. No matter what circumstance, it’s possible to care for your family and make sure you make deadline too. 

Think of Yourself 

Do things that you enjoy - even if it’s chores. (Am I the only one that actually likes doing laundry?) Doing small tasks around the house makes me feel balanced. I’ll tidy up my room and light candles while I clean. I’ll water my (barely surviving) succulent. Do whatever makes you feel recharged. It’s better to do work when you’re well rested have a clear head.

Hell, I had a professor that relaxed by watching TV while eating fried chicken in his boxers. Whatever floats your boat. You’re not a machine. 

You Have Friends (Probably) 

I’m from New Jersey so I commute into New York almost every day. I haven’t seen my childhood friends in weeks. I’m blessed to have them as a support system. They never pressure me to hang when I’m busy and are totally understanding when I have to bring my laptop to do work while waiting for our food at a restaurant. 

I feel their absence when I’m having a hard time. I used to be afraid of reaching out to people when I needed them, but maintaining meaningful relationships outside of work kept me grounded and focused. 

After this, I’m getting a drink. Not kidding. 

I discovered that I really like working with large sets of data. I hate math but I love staring at numbers and thinking about how I can use them to drive a story. In a perfect world, only anal retentive people like myself would be allowed to create spreadsheets. But we don’t live in a perfect world and that’s why we have journalism. 

In a nutshell, cleaning is another word for organizing. Cleaning data helps when creating charts or tables for the information you want to look at. Instead of staring at a large spreadsheet, I like to pick and choose what I want to focus on. In class, I agonized over data on military expenditures by country. I’m a rookie so forgive me for thinking this was crazy: 

This is zoomed out, by the way. Organizing data is very tedious work. There’s just stuff you have to do manually that programs – no matter how fancy – simply just can’t do. 

But I feel oddly satisfied when I finally clean the data and get evidence for stories that I want to pitch. I can find outliers that surprise me. It’s almost like treasure hunting. I tend to over analyze EVERYTHING but with large data sets, over thinking seems almost impossible. I take pride in my nerdiness. 

I see a budding romance between me and data journalism. And like real life, you got to deal with the dirt.