it's always darkest before the dawn

I don't know why I feel the way I do

I have no reason too

I know a million other people feel the exact same way because of everything that's been happening with the pandemic

But I've been feeling this for years.

Isolated and ignored.

I decided to go off social media for four days to relax my mind and after four days not one person had messaged me not one person had noticed I was off the grid for four days. All group chats continued as normal and no one messaged me with anything. Not even a funny relatable picture.

I know I'm not normal but I don't understand what so wrong with me that I can't keep friends. Like I have friends I have friends who I live dearly and I know if I'm really struggling and I ask them they'll be there.

But what have I done wrong and why am I so odd that I'm not the person that people need or the person that people want in their lives.

I know there's something not quite right with my chest... I've known for months but I'm scared to find out what it is because I'm scared of facing what may be wrong and also those who suddenly pretend they care if I were ill.

However, saying this I posted a picture of my face and for over a hundred reactions from people that I know if I see them they're excited to catch up.

I don't argue with people and as far as I'm aware theres two maybe three people who dislike me for reasons they can't explain.

I know I'm not hated but I'm not cared about it thought about

And I feel guilty that I feel this way I feel like I'm begging for attention.

But I don't mean to beg for attention. I want people to want me around.

Like I've have so many issues about being here so to feel like no one would notice if I wasn't is a battle.

We're in a pandemic. I'm feeling the same feelings as others. But I have felt the same way and I have been open about it for years. However I feel so guilty for feeling this way because I don't understand what I'm feeling. I don't understand what's happened to make me feel this way. I don't understand what I want to help myself.

I've just felt pain for seven nine year and I want it to stop

I want to stop hurting

I want to be normal

I want people to treat me normal

I wish I wasn't so upright

I wish I was as fun as I know I am with people but I'm too scared they'll make fun of me

There's a thin line between wishing I was gone and wishing I had friends

Person

I absolutely love you. I feel like I've not made anywhere near as much of an impact to you as you have for me. Like you'll o my message me for a group gathering or if it's a favour. Which I should be mad at however you remind me so much if what I could be if I wasn't so worried all the time I love knowing you're in my life.

I feel I am not you and I know you're antisocial but whenever you are social I'm not involved unless I make myself involved.

It is what it is please do not feel guilty I've fully studied and I understand people need different thing. .but I find you so inspirational.

I used to be the smart yet funny and care free member of my friendship groups for so many years. But when o got past my main troubles I haven't been able to get back to it.

Usually means you're drunk becay you're hiding your depressed

I'm not hiding it. I'm aware

I'm depressed and hurting and I have no friends to speak to about it

We're sat in the pub, my friends telling me their plans for the future.

Saying where they hope to be in the next ten years.

I have no hope for next year.

I hate my face, I hate my height, my body, my weight. I wish I could find something that I could be happy with myself for but recent events have proven that no matter how much I try to be a good person I still have a shitty bitchy personality.

I have no one who messages me first because they want to tell me something in particular and I never get invited into anything unless I'm accidentally in a group chat.

I turn up at events to meet my friends or even to the smoking area in work and the room goes quiet and everyone looks unexcited to see me.

I'm bending over backwards and starting conversations. Trying to please everyone's thoughts and beliefs.

I'm only there to entertain people when they're bored and they're friends are busy.

That's the only time anyone responds to me. That's the only time anyone wants my company.

Am I boring? Am I bitchy? Am I horrible?

I try my best not to be, I try to avoid all confrontation.

I always feel like I've done something wrong, like I'm alone, like I've hurt other people.