⪠      When Tony blew up about Howard, Steve wondered if heâd forgotten who he was talking to saying a thing like that. Of course Tony wasnât going to look at any other perspective except his own.Â
Nevertheless, he realized in hindsight that it wasnât the most tactful of things to say. Steve held up his hands in surrender and said, âIâm sorry. I misspoke. I guess I just meant to say that in the time I spent with Howard, that doesnât seem like the man I knew.âÂ
Steveâs eyes widened in surprise when Tony told him, point-blank, his father had been prouder of a dead man than his own son. The fact that Steve was the âdead manâ was the least of it. It sounded almost as if Tony wished he were dead. The worst part was that Steve suddenly saw how ingrained that idea was in Tonyâs mind. He didnât think it could be shakenânot by anything Steve had to say.Â
He felt unspeakably sad for Tony suddenly. Whether it was really the way Howard had felt or not, it was what Tony would always believe. It was heartbreaking.Â
Steve tried to explain himselfâhow he wasnât perfect that they all had a right to express their opinions about what they were doing and no oneâs was more important than the othersâbut Tony only gave him one of his usual snarky responses back. Something Steve didnât understand about high school and musicalsâboth of which he understood individually, but put together, he was just confused. His features reflected his bewilderment. However, his brows came together and his eyes grew steely as he expression quickly went to frustration again.Â
âI donât know what you want me to say, Tony. I donât know how to get through to you,â he said, his tone low but harsh.Â
âMaybe this isnâtâŚâ He paused and sighed, sliding a hand up to the back of his neck. His resolve began to harden as the muscle worked in his cheek. âMaybe this is never gonna work.â
Heâd thought about leaving before. Once Hydra was all squared away, heâd only stayed on because of the teamâhis friendsâbut in many ways he didnât feel he belonged there and Tony certainly never helped to ease that feeling.Â
He dropped his eyes and shook his head as he scrubbed a hand over his chin. âWeâll just keep butting heads,â he said, more to himself than to Tony.Â
It wasnât so much that he wanted to give up on Tony, as that he just wanted to stop. Stop fighting everyone. Stop making mistakes with such high costs. Stop living only for the next fight.
âWe canât keep doing this, Tony,â he said, looking up. âItâs useless.â
He wanted to believe that but even so, he couldnât quite bring himself to. He knew it wasnât useless and that was what always made it so difficult to leave.Â
          the smirk tony held (insufferable, as most told him it was) slowly fell as steve spoke. he wouldâve left it for another day. said âsure. whatever.â and let the man walk out the room frustrated, disappointed. then try again a week later or something.
or maybe this was it. steve finally accepted tony wasnât worth the effort. theyâd end their roundabout dance of trying to get along. god, fury would be on his ass if he found out. heâd say something along the lines of âdo whatever the fuck you need to do, just fix it.â because the avengers was a team and thereâs no âiâ in team and there was no place for personal issues -- etcetera, etcetera.
tony sighed (there was a lot of sighing going on between them today) and dropped his feet back onto the floor. âalright. letâs rewind a bit.â he pushed himself up from the chair and made his way to steve. âback to when you said you didnât want to fight.â
he stood up straight, arms at his sides lest they fold together. it was a defensive position heâd picked up years back. made him feel guarded, safe, but closed from the world altogether. the opposite of what should be happening here.
âi still stand by what i said but iâll clarify a bit more. at the expense of my pride.â the last line tony muttered under his breath before clearing his throat. âyour opinions matter to me because you, steve rogers, matter to me.â tony wouldâve added steveâs various titles as well just in case there was some doubt left. it wasnât like the man could access the monitors to use it against him, at least not without tony knowing.
âi went along with what you said because i didnât want to accept it but -- well.â he shrugged. âitâs crazy but i care about you, winghead. you and the team. our team.â