Ironic Optimist

I’m just venting so I’m sorry for the drama, my next post will be cuter cuz I’ve been too serious lately

I feel like you KNOW you’re a bad person when even ranting to the emptiness of Tumblr feels shitty..

I think I’m becoming, like, a bad person?? Not evil or anything like that— and I don’t mean to my friends or family really, but internally and (especially) in romantic relationships I feel like I’m a shitty person

I used to be such a sweet lover girl who always saw the good in everyone, I was social and optimistic and kind..

I barely even recognize myself anymore, I’m blunt, and cold and a pessimist in every aspect of my life.

I used to be so against casual dating and hookup culture, I was an advocate for finding real love and doing so unashamedly..

Now I can’t even imagine myself being in a truly loving relationship anymore, the vulnerability that comes with it makes me sick.

I don’t see a world where anyone who could truly see me for what I am would love me, and knowing myself I wouldn’t want them to.

I made out with a girl last night

I don’t know why in my head, doing that would somehow make everything make sense.

And in a way it did,

feeling her hold me so gently whispering sickeningly sweet words— realizing that I felt absolutely nothing but guilt and becoming increasingly worried that this will be just another girl I hurt.

Whatever is wrong with me is something rooted deep inside, there’s no one who can save me or make me feel better about myself.

I can kiss whoever I want, flirt, drink, distract myself, and at the end of the day nothing will fill that emptiness. It just keeps corrupting any part of myself that’s still left.

THAT BEING SAID! ❤︎

I do want to find love

There’s a part of me that’s still hopeful, I don’t know if finding the ‘right’ person will help or maybe I’ll grow into a better person but regardless of the path that leads me there, I’m looking forward to change.

“And if love was contagious I might be immune to it, pain is like cold water– your brain just gets used to it”

Told my mom I made a college friend

First thing she asked was “is she normal?” (then went on to explain she meant straight cuz she doesn’t want me hanging with ‘weird people’ once I’m there)

Of course right now I have to just brush her off but I’m gonna be friends with whoever the fuck I want in college

love exists, I just think I’m a bad at it (I’m being melodramatic)

Never in my life have I wanted to look like/ be someone so bad like I do with Ilya Rozanov.

I need to gain muscle, have all his aura, and be surrounded by hot people

My friends tell me that I’m gonna turn into a masc and like.. I feel like deep down my aura has always been more masculine

Idk I find it weird because in general I do enjoy my femininity and have progressively enjoyed indulging in it more as time passes but I must admit that there’s a part of me that doesn’t fully align with what’s typically expected of women,

Not just in the sense of how I act, but what I want and aspire to be and how I want to be perceived by others.

In general whenever people have tried to label me as one or the others it’s kinda rubbed me the wrong way

I really wanted to go watch the movie Obsession with my friends but the stupid movie theaters here only have it on super late at night and by then I’ll be fast asleep…

so we’re just gonna watch horror movies at home so honestly I cant even complain

.ೃ࿔*:･ this will literally be us:

Thoughts or thots ⋆°·☁︎

I really need to remember to open this app cuz every time I do, I realize how much I love it..

like I can really just say whatever I want and who cares!

On another note..

I’m super excited to graduate and I’m not even gonna lie, one of my biggest motivators rn is kissing girls so watch out world, #1 girlkisser is in the wild

Song of the day 𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋. ♬ ݁˖

“Someone told us there’s a world out there, but we don’t care enough to drive that far”

I can’t stop playing Tomadachi Life, it’s so fun!!

Like wdym I can put all my fav characters and people into a little world and make them fall in love .✦ ݁˖

I made Sal and Travis from my fav game Sally Face!

Snooze- fest ༄.°

It still feels kinda weird to write here cuz it’s like.. who cares!

But then I remember it’s optional to read so again.. who cares!

Anyways, this week is gonna be super busy but I’m looking forward to it cuz a lot of cool things are coming up!

I have some kinda annoying assignments due soon though but I’ll just lock in and get them all done tomorrow…

On another note, anyone else been feeling super single recently? Just me? Oh ok ⛆

Song of the day!

“Is she out of my league?.. Let’s hope not”݁♬⋆.𝄞

This is from a couple days ago when I went shopping

I actually only ended up getting the pjs and the first dress but it felt so girly to just try on a bunch of clothes

ᝰ.ᐟ˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

Feeling sick…

I think I’m coming down with something

I’m not sure though, it’s not a cold or anything I just have 0 energy which could be me getting sick or that I’m having another not fun episode for the day but whatever

Thats a problem for future me

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭

I’m gonna be getting my first tattoo tomorrow, I’m so excited!

I’m still not 100% sure on where I want to get it but the design is all picked out

I’ll just ask the artist to suggest placements until I find one I like

Song of the day ‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

I saw someone do this and thought it was so cute!

Ugh school

Currently at school doing absolutely nothing and for some reason my teacher thinks he’s just SOO IMPORTANT that we have to give him some kind of special attention.. like no one takes your class seriously please calm down

anyways, finished his work in like 5mins and now I’m just trying to pass the time

This is my 2026 vision board! °❀.ೃ࿔*

I had never used Pinterests collage tool and omg I was missing out, soso relaxing and fun

Everyone should make one

✦•┈๑⋅⋯ ⋯⋅๑┈•✦ ✦•┈๑⋅⋯ ⋯⋅๑┈•✦

Indulging in myself feels so nice, just sitting down and really thinking of what I like and want

Feels very therapeutic, especially as someone who doesn’t like to talk about themselves too much (not that I mind listening to other people, I think it’s interesting to hear people’s lived experiences and opinions)

…but regardless it’s nice to have an outlet that focuses on me

Root Beer ─ ⋆⋅𖤓⋅⋆ ─

Such a dumb little rant but omg I love Root Beer

Where I live it’s basically impossible to find but I was able to get one and I think it’s actually the highlight of my day

*some people* say it tastes like mouthwash and

1. I disagree, cuz I HATE the taste of mint or anything adjacent

2. So what if it tastes like mouthwash, it can still be veryvery yummy

──── ୨୧ ──── ──── ୨୧ ──── ──── ୨୧ ────

I blogged earlier that it was rainy (which im happy about) and classes got cancelled and my immediate reaction was:

“Omg yayyy more sleep since I went to bed at 5am and woke up at 6am”…

But then I forced myself to stay up because the fact that I couldn’t get myself to sleep until 5 is craaazy

so this is my desperate attempt at fixing my sleep schedule (I hope it works but I doubt it)

I usually always chalk up my restlessness to being anxious but if I’m being completely honest it’s probably the like 7 cups of black coffee I have everyday…

but what can I say?? I just love coffee too much!

At least school is cancelled ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁﹏⊹ ࣪ ˖

⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ᧔ෆ᧓ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔

I really like the rain though, just not when I actually have to be productive in it

Now I can just be cozy all day ⊹ ࣪ ˖ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁

⋆˚꩜｡°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

Girls ᯓ★

She’s so over-hated :(

one of my favorite actresses I think (not even cuz of her movies tbh— they’re not bad but I just don’t care about it too much) but she’s so herself that I can’t help but enjoy seeing her

Ugh I love cats! I can’t have one rn unfortunately but I’m determined to have one soon ᯓ★≽^•⩊•^≼

..personally my favorite breed are exotic shorthairs but ik they have health issues cuz of their flat face..

So I probably won’t get one of those cuz health comes first (all cats are great tho!)

Song of the day ‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

“Are we demented, or am I disturbed?

The space that’s in between insane and insecure”

ᴛɪᴄᴋᴇᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴀɴʏᴡʜᴇʀᴇ