Praying on My Own Downfall ༄.°
I’m just venting so I’m sorry for the drama, my next post will be cuter cuz I’ve been too serious lately
I feel like you KNOW you’re a bad person when even ranting to the emptiness of Tumblr feels shitty..
I think I’m becoming, like, a bad person?? Not evil or anything like that— and I don’t mean to my friends or family really, but internally and (especially) in romantic relationships I feel like I’m a shitty person
I used to be such a sweet lover girl who always saw the good in everyone, I was social and optimistic and kind..
I barely even recognize myself anymore, I’m blunt, and cold and a pessimist in every aspect of my life.
I used to be so against casual dating and hookup culture, I was an advocate for finding real love and doing so unashamedly..
Now I can’t even imagine myself being in a truly loving relationship anymore, the vulnerability that comes with it makes me sick.
I don’t see a world where anyone who could truly see me for what I am would love me, and knowing myself I wouldn’t want them to.
I made out with a girl last night
I don’t know why in my head, doing that would somehow make everything make sense.
And in a way it did,
feeling her hold me so gently whispering sickeningly sweet words— realizing that I felt absolutely nothing but guilt and becoming increasingly worried that this will be just another girl I hurt.
Whatever is wrong with me is something rooted deep inside, there’s no one who can save me or make me feel better about myself.
I can kiss whoever I want, flirt, drink, distract myself, and at the end of the day nothing will fill that emptiness. It just keeps corrupting any part of myself that’s still left.
THAT BEING SAID! ❤︎
I do want to find love
There’s a part of me that’s still hopeful, I don’t know if finding the ‘right’ person will help or maybe I’ll grow into a better person but regardless of the path that leads me there, I’m looking forward to change.
“And if love was contagious I might be immune to it, pain is like cold water– your brain just gets used to it”











