It's not you, It's me

Our FL, Shen Xihe, is THE COLDEST woman ever (unless you’re her father or brother). She is insanely clever, calculating, patient, and powerful. God, I LOVE HER.

She literally decides to marry the Crown Prince because he’s terminally ill and will hopefully die young, so she can make her son Emperor and become Empress Dowager with all the power in her own hands.

…At this point THEY HAVEN’T EVEN MET YET.

XIHE. I LOVE YOU TO DEATH.

And then we have the Crown Prince, Xiao Huayong…

Everyone thinks he’s this frail, sickly Crown Prince who probably won’t even live long enough to inherit the throne. Except… He’s actually the SMARTEST person in the entire novel.

AND THE BIGGEST GREEN TEA.

The man schemes circles around everyone while looking like a gentle little porcelain doll who needs someone to carry him back to bed. And when acting innocent isn’t enough?

HE FAINTS. He faints (from anger) when Court officials push him too far. He faints (from shock) when the Minister of War’s daughter throws herself at him. He faints when his Emperor father starts suspecting him.

HE JUST… FAINTS. There are LITERALLY chapters titled “The Crown Prince Faints Again.” LOL. I WAS LOSING MY MIND.

He is genuinely the funniest little schemer I’ve ever read.

AND NOW YOU’RE TELLING ME I GET TO WATCH MENG ZIYI AS SHEN XIHE AND HE YU AS XIAO HUAYONG??

WHY NOT JUST KILL ME NOW.

Now comes the impossible decision… Do I watch it every day, suffering through the endless wait between episodes…

…or do I disappear for an entire month and then binge the whole thing in one sitting?

I genuinely don’t think I can handle Episode 26 😭

Look, there are MANY reasons for me NEVER to root for Ye Xian. I’m OBVIOUSLY Team Yanyun (is there any other team, really) but that’ll be another post. I really don’t think Jinzhao and Ye Xian would’ve made a healthy couple long-term - those two sharp-tongued hotheads would slice each other open during every argument. Ye Xian once HIT Jinzhao (ugh, stupid violent manchild), he has a royal lineage and a family to be restored to their glory, meaning they would NEVER truly agree to this relationship, and it took him FAR too long to grow into someone capable of protecting the people he loves.

Also, emotionally, this man is eight years old.

Instead of actually telling Jinzhao how he feels, he spends years pulling her figurative ponytail like the little boy he is - even though she clearly understands him deep down. And that’s the tragedy of Ye Xian: he feels everything SO deeply, but acts far too childish.

BUT.

(Gif by: @yanyuegege - wanted to make sure I was properly crediting them - looks like the tag is missing)

Oh God, he loves Jinzhao SO MUCH that it’s driving even ME insane.

He knows she cares about him. He’s willing to grow for her. I genuinely think he was preparing to either defy his family or somehow convince them to accept the marriage.

HE HAD THE PERFECT EXCUSE, TOO: “Mother, Father, I am dyinggggg 😭 my weak little hearttttt 😭 marry me to Jinzhao immediately or I shall perishhhhh.”

And yet this man waited AN ETERNITY.

Jinzhao spent THREE YEARS in mourning. THREE. She emerged from it at nineteen - practically considered a spinster by the standards of that world - and he STILL couldn’t properly step forward? Couldn’t woo her a little while Yanyun was literally out there sweeping her off her feet?

I’m not even asking for grand promises he might fail to keep. Just… give her your heart openly for once.

UGH.

He frustrates me so much. He’s so emotionally stunted that he gives me a headache, and yet I completely understand why Jinzhao had the smallest part for him in her heart.

It’s just that some things simply are not meant to be.

And the worst part is that I know Ye Xian will blame everyone except himself when he learns about Jinzhao’s marriage - Jinzhao, Yanyun, his family, the cruel world itself - when in reality, he could have fought harder. He should’ve buried that damned pride of his, taken Jinzhao’s hand, and forced his way into her life before it was too late.

Would it have worked?

Honestly… probably not.

Knowing Jinzhao, she may still have refused him. She may never have fully opened her heart to him no matter what he did. She would be right.

But then at least he would’ve had no regrets.

Instead, he’s going to BURN with those feelings forever.

My relationship with Yumi's Cells is genuinely so confusing because WHY did I start with Season 3… then immediately go back and binge Seasons 1-2… and then proceed to inhale the entire webtoon in TWO DAYS like my life depended on it?

And I am just… in awe.

I’m a shipper at heart. I need my ships SAILING. I need my CPs to get their HE. I need my MLs to become the best husband alive. And yet here comes this series with THREE different MLs, and somehow I loved all of them with my whole chest (until SOME PEOPLE became IRRELEVANT 🙄).

This is actually insane.

The storytelling is so painfully realistic and such a perfect slice-of-life that you can’t help but crawl into the deepest corners of Yumi’s brain and feel EVERYTHING alongside her cells. The anxiety, the embarrassment, the delusions, the yearning, the tiny moments that become huge in your head… it’s SO HUMAN. I’m obsessed.

ALSO.

My hatred for Babi increased EXPONENTIALLY after reading the webtoon, but I refuse to waste another ounce of emotional energy on that man, so let’s move on to the REAL reason I’m here:

SOONROK. MY BELOVED. ❤️🦌

I feel like the proudest noona alive when I say my reindeer has the BIGGEST NAUGHTY CELL in the entire series and honestly? OF COURSE HE DOES. He’s perfect. Quiet, dependable, secretly playful and oh-so-devilishly-sly… exactly my type of man.

Honestly, I almost don’t want Monday to come because I’m not emotionally prepared. I genuinely don’t know how original fans survived the gap between Seasons 2 and 3. Meanwhile I get to consume everything in one emotionally devastating sugar-rush marathon 😭

Yumi… you deserve the world. I hope you and Soonrok spend the rest of your lives being adorable, deeply in love, and having unhinged roleplay nights together 🥰

God, this series made me feel like cotton candy.

Tagged by the lovely @angel--gore 😊

1) Origin of your username?

It’s just my real name lol. My AO3 username is also the same and I wrote smut under this. It feels like recklessness but I’m just too old to care sjfhdh

2) Food you'll always order?

I’ll never say no to a good mid-rare steak😅

3) Overused emoji?

I’m an older millennial so you can pry my 😂 emoji from my cold dead hands.

4) Current favourite show/media/book?

I’m currently in between shows because How Dare You just ended😭 and nothing captured me so strongly since To My Shore and Weak Hero Class 2… I’m currently reading Challenger by Adam Higginbotham - I’d read anything from him.

5) Song on repeat?

I’m not a music person - I just listen to whatever is popular lol but currently my most listened songs are:

Die on This Hill - Sienna Spiro

The Story - Conan Gray

Chemtrails Over the Country Club - Lana Del Ray

(I realise none of them are recent 😅)

6) Last thing you hyperfixated on?

Look. I have a very addictive personality. It’s extremely easy for me to fall into hyperfixation traps. But there has only ever been ONE thing I was truly, irreversibly, chemically altered by: All for the Game series by Nora Sakavic.

I read the series five years ago. And I was HOOKED in a way that should probably have been studied. I own the hardcopies. The special edition covers. The audiobooks. The Kindle versions. I have read… honestly? Probably more than half of AO3 at this point. I even wrote a fic myself because apparently consuming wasn’t enough - I had to CONTRIBUTE to the ecosystem.

Those characters do not live in my head rent-free. They OWN the property. They pay the mortgage. They redecorate whenever they feel like it.

The obsession has lessened. I function. I have a career. I touch grass occasionally. I consume other media. But at least once a month, I return to AO3 to “just check what’s new.”

And I cannot, in good conscience, recommend these books. They come with a TON of trigger warnings. They are messy. They are morally questionable. They are occasionally offensive. They are chaotic. They are not polished literary masterpieces.

And yet.

They altered my brain chemistry permanently.

Read at your own discretion. And if you do… don’t come at me.

7) Oddly specific thing that brings you joy?

I think it’s not oddly specific but I just love the feeling of stepping onto a plane for a holiday. No responsibilities. No emails. No expectations. Just this suspended, in-between state where anything could happen. It’s the excitement and the unknown and the freedom and the possibilities.. it’s just everything.

8) Phone wallpaper?

Lol

9) What smell makes you happy?

Coconut sunscreen smell🥰 It’s summer, sea is cold, sand is hot, you’re tanning under the sun, there’s a soft music and a bottle of cold beer next to you, you have dinner plans at night, you don’t even need make up because you’re not pale… so yeah, HAWAIIAN TROPIC is life. ❤️

10) Morning, night, or other type of person?

I don’t like waking up early and like going to bed late but I’ve been waking up at 7:30 latest for the last 20 years (because work) so I guess I learned to be a morning person😭

11) What's your work/profession?

Mechanical engineer by trade, have worked as an Innovation/R&D Manager my whole career:)

You know, if I were to date Cheng Lei, I genuinely feel like I would intentionally make him angry.

Because listen. He’s normally such a dork. And I’m also a very calm person. When I get upset with my significant other, I don’t yell. I don’t escalate. I just… go quiet. I stop talking. I take my time. I regulate myself. I am - honestly - not a fighter.

BUT.

With Leizi? I WANT to see the moment he gets angry and gives you that intense, narrowed eyes, jaw-tightened, voice-dropped stare…

DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, BOY.

Oh, and the THOUGHT of him calling me jiejie…

Oh. WHAT. A. DELIGHT. This show is.

Not a single episode felt like filler until now, the plot is plotting, Cheng Lei is back on my screen, Wang Churan is offensively pretty, Tang Xiaotian was clearly handcrafted in a lab to play that villain... I just cannot wait for each new episode.

What I love most about How Dare You is that it pretends to be a cute little transmigration romcom - two people fall into a book, try to survive, maybe fall in love, haha quirky chaos. And then it proceeds to punch you in the ribs every other episode.

You end up caring about every supposedly 2D character as much as Wanyin does. Every minister’s death feels personal. Every nameless grave hits. And whenever that cute little Zhang San anime intro pops up, my heart starts racing like it’s not about to ruin my emotional stability for the next five minutes.

It’s almost too much.

I honestly DREADED the Zhang San’s diaries.

I know the plot. I’ve seen adaptations of this show before. And yet watching little Dan endure years of abuse under that despicable woman (I refuse to call her Empress Dowager - she’s just PURE EVIL) is absolutely unbearable. The child survives through sheer spite and trauma, and it’s honestly a miracle that once Wanyin arrives, he’s able to soften instead of continue his down-spiral. Because I’m telling you right now? I would’ve burned the entire kingdom down out of bone-deep hatred and resentment - especially if those villains dared to touch my beloved. What country? What responsibility? Just wipe them all out.

Thank God those diary segments stopped at Episode 20 because I genuinely needed to breathe again.

ANYWAY. Let’s go back to the important stuff:

You know, I did announce to the world that Cheng Lei is my Chusband #1, but perhaps I wasn’t clear enough: He is the MOST gorgeous, beautiful creature I have ever seen.

Yes, he’s adorable in real life - a funny little (extremely handsome) loser - but on screen? He was BUILT for this. He doesn’t just act; he ignites. Dangerous, smoldering, serious? Elite. Clueless, love-brained puppy? Equally devastating. He can pivot between lethal and soft without losing an ounce of presence.

HE CAN DO NO WRONG.

I truly don’t see anyone overtaking his #1 position any time soon (though Chen Zheyuan has made suspiciously bold moves - an updated ranking may be required). And I deeply resent any day that is Leizi-less. I miss the golden era when I had four episodes of Cheng Lei a DAY.

Anyway. Enough of the emotional oversharing.

But also… I just need him😭

I cannot believe tomorrow I’ll wake up to the premiere of How Dare You. Cheng Lei, my dearest Chusband #1, is BACK on my screen and I am deeply unwell about it.

This man is so handsome that - ugh. It’s sickening really. Like.. ban him. He’s a public hazard or something.

And before anyone accuses me of exaggerating: RUN and watch BOTH the anime (currently airing its second season) and the short adaptation of How Dare You because THEY ARE SOOOO GOOD. I am being completely serious about this.

ANYWAY.

Let’s talk about today’s actual main event: Unveil: Jadewind (still don’t know what that title means, btw).

It was… okay.

I like Bai Lu, and once again she’s “best friends” with a tragic princess. At this point, give this woman a QUEER ROLE and let us all rest.

Will Bai Lu and Wang Xingyue be a couple in this? Or is this just a procedural drama wearing historical cosplay? I hope it’s the latter, because listen: Li Peiyi is DEFINITELY a lesbian and Xiao Huaijin feels aggressively asexual. So what I am feeling is plain old queer subtext.

Am I projecting my lack of interest in Wang Xingyue into this (I’m ONLY into Duke Su)? Maybe. But when I look back at One and Only or Story of Kunning Palace, I could at least see something between them. Here? So far nothing. Void. Just vibes.

Now, on to the plot - specifically the Princess arc. It was a decent introduction to the characters and the world, but… would you kill me if I said I wasn’t moved AT ALL by Princess Wanshun’s tragic tale?

Especially the resolution.

I hated how Li Peiyi put the Princess above the law. And honestly - what exactly was the Princess expecting when she returned to the palace?

Re-establishing her marriage with the Uyghur prince felt WAY TOO MERCIFUL, and she still jumped?

Girl. You murdered like FIVE PEOPLE. JEEZ.

Yes, the Emperor doesn’t care about her - but he has other daughters. One of them literally married the Uyghur prince as the second choice (POOR GIRL). So him manipulating Wanshun’s return to force her back into that marriage didn’t feel that ruthless, if I’m being honest.

She didn’t grow up with parental love, sure - but she was still a PRINCESS, living in absurd luxury, with very few real hardships.

So… yeah.

Sorry if this sounds heartless, but I said what I said.

ALSO - the editing in Episode 1? The constant rapid cuts made me motion sick. I’m not being dramatic, I was genuinely nauseous. Please let scenes breathe.

But will I keep watching?

Yes.

Look. LOOK.

This show is not going to make me lose my mind, make me swoon, or (if I’m being completely honest) make me laugh my ass off.

BUT.

I think we can all agree that there is something about Junior. Like… I love him to bits. He’s genuinely one of the best things to happen to Thai BLs, so yes - I’ll simply have to watch My Romance Scammer.

I’m okay with Mark (don’t kill me), Poon is always so stupidly cute, and Ohm is… well. At least he’s very pretty to look at. So there you go.

The first episode definitely kept me entertained, and I do want to see how deep Tim’s scheme is running - loved the Fakebook profile 😅.

That said, I think I’m now far too accustomed to Chinese dramas, where the Crown Prince or the CEO casually turns to his Shadow Guard or PA and asks for a background check… and they come back one hour later with either a physically impossible security footage, or an extremely detailed secret about the inner workings of the harem lol.

So I guess a shopping mall owner can’t actually uncover the whole truth with a single security check, huh? I FORGOT ABOUT THE REALITIES OF THIS WORLD😅

Like… I choose to stop and binge only after everything is finished because WDYM I have to feel anxious for a WHOLE ASS DAY (or maybe a week) and then possibly get disappointed again tomorrow (OR FOR ANOTHER WEEK)? My mental health is fragile as it is, please be serious.

I was going to say this for Glory (aka. The Disappointment of All Times), but now I’ve officially stopped watching Single’s Inferno 5 too - because I can already FEEL IT IN MY BONES that Seung Il is about to play my girl Minji and hook up with someone else (🙄 Mina Sue AND/OR Goeun 🙄) and then Minji will be sad and I. JUST. CAN’T.

I am not built for weekly emotional damage.

I get Minji tho - but my case do feel illegal so I’ll just watch from afar 😅😭

Sigh. Fifteen episodes were simply not enough for this masterpiece. Truly - not a single filler moment. I clung to every scene, dissected and agonized over every single thing Fan Xiao did, and had my soul thoroughly wrecked right alongside You Shulang. And now… here we are. The end.

Fan Xiao being an absolute loser - looking so small, so lost - won my heart so quickly that I didn’t even have time to process the emotional whiplash. One second I was bracing myself, the next I was gone.

That final scene, when Shulang goes to his place… the way Fan Xiao looks ashamed and afraid at first, then heartbroken and quietly angry when Shulang mentions Lu Bowen, and finally so hopeful yet hesitant at the end - God. I love him when he’s down. I love him when he’s on his knees. I love him most when You Shulang is in control, when he manhandles him emotionally and molds him - slowly, painfully - into an actual human being.

Or maybe I just love him. Period.

But the reason I will never forget To My Shore is this: it introduced me to the single best Cdramaland character of all time.

The strongest. The cleverest. The most rational, sensible, and grounded. The goodest little cookie ever to grace my screen: YOU SHULANG.

I wish every show had at least one Shulang - as a moral compass, as that impossible “lawful good” character, as the quietly brilliant mind who sees through every villain’s scheme and still refuses to lose his humanity.

Shulang, it has been a privilege. ❤️

So… what now?

Please. I’m begging. Drop your most toxic, obsessive, emotionally ruinous BLs or dramas below - because WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE NOW? 😭

I have zero backbone. None. I’m spiritually weak. I might be colorblind and I’m morally compromised. HOW did I fold this fast?

Because tell me why ONE (1) episode was enough for me to go from “lock this man up forever” to “oh no… he looks sad 🥺”.

I knew, intellectually, that the “optimisation project” was Fan Xiao’s way of trying to pull Shulang out of the abyss - obviously dressed up as manipulation, control, and emotional terrorism, because of course that’s how Fan Xiao operates. But even so… I could already feel the redemption arc creeping in.

And then he just… gives everything back: Shulang’s career. His purpose. His connection to medicine. That sweet little kid to fulfill his life. And finally - his freedom.

Here’s the thing: I’m not over what Fan Xiao did. Not really. He put Shulang through hell simply because Shulang was good - genuinely kind, principled, steady. Everything Fan Xiao has never been and never believed could exist. And that’s exactly why he tried to break him.

Fan Xiao is deeply, catastrophically broken. He doesn’t know how to build - only how to ruin, control, and drag others down to the depth he lives in. Until Shulang.

Until this annoyingly kind, impossibly strong, painfully rational man walked into his life and became his anchor. His moral compass. His safe place. His proof that something pure could exist without being fake.

Fan Xiao loved him and hated him in equal measure. He wanted to possess him, destroy him, and be saved by him all at once. And when he finally understood that keeping Shulang meant killing him - slowly, completely - he did the one truly selfless thing he’s ever done.

He let him go.

And he didn’t just let him go quietly - he burned his own world down in the process. Took his own family with him. Stripped himself of power, control, status. Reduced himself to nothing.

And THEN - as if that wasn’t enough emotional violence - we get this version of Fan Xiao: broke, humbled, working as a server and a sales rep, soft-spoken, smiling gently, wearing the STUPIDEST LITTLE MAN BUN I HAVE EVER SEEN.

WHY is he like this now? WHY does he look so… small? So harmless? So heartbreakingly human?

I hate this. I hate that it’s working.

Because yes - in real life? Absolutely not. Jail. Therapy. Restraining order. No notes.

But in Cdramaland? I fear I am already forgiving him. I fear I am weak.

I fear the bun has won. 😭

This episode went far beyond my expectations and somehow exceeded even my worst fears. I thought I was ready to see what Shulang meant by “giving up - giving in,” but wow… I absolutely WAS NOT.

I truly believed last episode was Shulang’s lowest point. That despair was the bottom line. The worst of the worst. Surely, from there, things would start inching upward.

And BOY, WAS I WRONG.

This episode is just… suffocating.

Fan Xiao is driving Shulang into total destruction. He’s everywhere. Violating everything - Shulang’s body, his privacy, his job, his friendships, his relationships, his sanity. There is no escape. Fan Xiao drags Shulang into the tsunami with him and keeps him submerged, holding him down until there’s no light left, no air to breathe.

Shulang is right: either Fan Xiao will drive him to death, or Shulang will end him.

There is no third outcome.

And still - my Shulang is trying. Trying to claw back some control under this total emotional domination. Making jokes with friends. Going to work. Asserting his unwillingness and showing his reluctant surrender. Anything. Something.

None of it works.

Fan Xiao knows the moment he opens his hand, the bird will fly away and disappear forever - so he squeezes harder. He knows the bird is struggling to breathe, wings fluttering with the last scraps of strength left. He can feel the heartbeat slowing down.

And still… he can’t bring himself to let go.

I am DEVASTATED.

I’m also so grateful the show refuses to soften this into “Oh, Fan Xiao just loves You Shulang too much” or “This forced proximity will bring them closer and Shulang will slowly forgive him.”

NO. Thank god, NO.

This is Shulang’s ultimate degradation. He’s aware. Fan Xiao’s aware. The eager little gays circling Shulang like flies to honey (still trying to help him tho) are aware. Everyone sees it for what it is.

Shulang ran into a lunatic. A psychopath. A maniac.

And he cannot escape the claws.

The show does not play. This is Shulang’s worst experience - the kind that destroys the rest of your life, if you even manage to keep living afterward.

And yet… he’s still the funniest, most straightforward, most rational motherfucker ever to grace my screen:

I also keep thinking about that masked kiss. What did Fan Xiao feel when his lips finally touched Shulang’s again? Salvation? Absolution? Excitement?

And then, moments later, he says: “Shulang is by my side, but why am I still panicking?”

Is he genuinely surprised? Is he lying to himself? Is this heaven or hell? It could be either - because Fan Xiao finally dragged Shulang down with him. And now?

Hell has them both.

Jesus fucking Christ.

THIS. SHOW.

I mean… I… just-

I honestly can’t find the words for what I watched.

This has gone beyond manipulation.

Yes, Fan Xiao has always been despicable. Before, it was still part of his stupid little game of “I’ll own you, then dump you.” Shulang would have been heartbroken, devastated - but he would have survived. He would have moved forward.

But this?

This is emotional torture.

This is soul-breaking.

This is pushing someone toward their actual death.

And I just… I cannot.

Shulang held onto his integrity until the very last second. He pushed back as much as a human being possibly could - but there is only so much one person can endure. His despair is one of the very few in C-dramaland that GENUINELY pierced my heart. I winced every time he crossed paths with Fan Xiao’s abhorrent schemes, because Shulang is strong. He is self-made, intelligent, principled, and DEEPLY, TRULY good.

There is something unbearably heart-wrenching about a person of that calibre being dragged through this much suffering - forced to lose even his smallest shred of dignity - simply because Fan Xiao decided to ruin him for no real reason, no meaning, no endgame beyond obsession.

I felt grief for Shulang. Real grief. Watching someone be viciously and senselessly cornered until there is nowhere left to breathe is just devastating.

And yet - Fan Xiao has trapped himself, too.

There is no turning back now. Anything genuine he says will be met with contempt. Nothing he confesses will ever be believed. He can beg for forgiveness, but he knows he will never receive it. If he lets Shulang go, he will lose him forever. And in Fan Xiao’s twisted mind, this is the only truth that matters.

So this is it.

Either he keeps Shulang by his side through whatever threats, schemes, and manipulations he can still muster-

or he frees Shulang from himself.

And we all know his choice.

Shulang is his Bodhisattva. His saviour. His redemption. And his punishment.

So he will never let go.

I pray that his God forgives him. And saves Shulang.💔

I genuinely believe Fan Xiao locked himself in that room far more often before You Shulang existed in his life. Before Shulang, that room was probably his default state - isolation, punishment, self-hatred, control. A place where he could replay trauma until it numbed him.

And then Shulang happened.

Shulang didn’t save him - but he grounded him. He gave Fan Xiao moments of peace, love, routine, and emotional safety that Fan Xiao didn’t even know how to ask for. And I think because of that, Fan Xiao needed the room less. The darkness receded. The punishment paused.

But here’s the thing:

Every lie. Every manipulation. Every time Fan Xiao knew he was hurting Shulang - the guilt dragged him back there.

That room isn’t just a trauma space. It’s his altar of penitence.

He goes there to punish himself. To relive pain. To convince himself that suffering equals atonement. Comfort and hell in the same breath.

And that’s why Fan Xiao is so compelling. He doesn’t seek forgiveness - he seeks punishment. He doesn’t want redemption - he wants to hurt the way he thinks he deserves to hurt.

Which is exactly why You Shulang walking away - with dignity, boundaries, and restraint - is far more devastating to him than any beating could ever be.

Fan Xiao isn’t afraid of pain.

He’s afraid of losing the one person who made him want to leave that room.

God. This character is a nightmare.