Seeing DD this Sunday. We will celebrate Mother’s Day together. I’m driving up to see her in the Bay Area. Close to where I went to highschool. They are talking about buying a house in the town I went to HS in. Pleasanton. That should be nice for them.
Anyway- I’ve been working a LOT of 12 hour shifts, but always during the day. I did wake up a few nights back at 2:22 because my company called me and wanted me to come to a clients house cuz the caregiver was sick. So I got here by 3 am and ended up working 16 hrs that day. It was a long day and I fell asleep as soon as I got home. I listened to that playlist on the way home that night. - thought about leaving a message in the description- but resisted the urge.
I’m currently at a clients house for an overnight stay. I’ve never done an overnight- I’m working 7pm to 7am. I will be up ALL NIGHT LONG cuz we aren’t really allowed to fall asleep even though it’s night. I do doze during the middle of the day some days even though I bust my ass. On my small breaks I sit up real tall on the couch and relax my eyes and mind- but I keep the intercom/monitor close. I just relax into a half doze and listen for my name. I won’t turn the lights down or anything like some of the other caregivers do. I’ll probably just fuck around on tumblr most the night. I’m at my favorite little ladies house. I am here often, but generally during the day from 7am to 7pm. She has round the clock care. I adore her. I haven’t seen my favorite old man who’s very into esoteric type shit and metaphysics. Haven’t seen him in months. Sad faces inserted here :( :(
Anyway- my mom’s health took a turn for the worse the last few weeks so the wound care nurse told me to take her to the ER and tell them there is a change in condition. I’m having a really HARD time taking good care of her and she seems very agitated with me most the time. She’s literally such a love bug most all other times- anyway/ she’s also been very confused and talking to herself pretty aggressively - which generally she laughs a lot to her friends that she talks to (she’s schizophrenic) but the last few weeks she’s been not doing well. She has been taking her meds correctly. So not sure what the deal is. They are trying to place her in a skilled nursing facility which she’s wanted to go to the VA one in our town for quite awhile- but it’s generally a two year wait. Anyway- we will see what happens. I’m having some guilt about it. But my meds manager thinks I should try and just be her daughter for awhile. Which I also would like that- but I feel like I’m abandoning her. She told me she wanted to kick me yesterday and she’s not a violent person. So that’s not ok. She doesn’t hit. She’s very gentle generally. So anyway- idk. She also thought it was 1968 then she thought it was year 8 then 10- whatever that means?!?! She didn’t know who the president was- but was sure his name started with a C. ?!?! Anyway- very confused and even more forgetful that normal. Couldn’t remember how she got to the ER or how she got the IV into her arm. - she asked how she got the iv in her arm five minutes after the nurse had done it. When I told her the nurse just did it- she was like HUH? And asked if they needed blood. I said they took four viles and it floored her. She was really surprised by that. She’s called me like fifteen times today and it’s making me seriously so sad about leaving her there. I need to look at the situation through a different lens. I will try. I’m not sure what to do or how to go about getting it done.
Anyway- I always wonder about you, but need to work harder on letting this go. I honestly do NOT believe it will ever go away- but I should probably try harder to quit feeding it. I listen to songs that remind me of you constantly. I wake up and fall asleep thinking about YOU. I am with my soul mate, but you are ALWAYS on my fuckin mind. I’m treated extremely well and have an awesome life. I just miss your face and those fuckin eyes. I’m mental as fuck- but this isn’t about me being mental. My heart often feels like it’s cracked open. You are on my mind and in my heart. I will always love you ~heart mind and soul. It’s not fuckin limerence. I’ve watched many videos about limerence to make sure- and I’m sure it’s not. I don’t think limerence will last my entire life. I’ll be thinking about you with my dying breath. I’ve always wondered about YOU- my whole life and it was ALWAYS you. I don’t know if you believe in shit like that, but I like to pretend you do. Do you remember running through the forest with me as children? - I always thought about that in my head when I was little when I didn’t know where you were. I remember there being tons of trees and we were very young, one could say it was my imagination- but it felt very real to me. Water would ALWAYS stimulate thoughts memories and thoughts for me. I remember clearly always thinking about you while I was in the bathtub. Sometimes I’d be a little shy that I was naked and I’d put a small washcloth over my boobs. It kind funny thinking about it now. - but anyway- I don’t care about ANYTHING you’ve ever done that you might think was BAD. I still LOVE you deeply and with my whole heart. I’ve thought about it a LOT. My mind is so fucking weird. - it just is. I am not trying to say that I’m NOT crazy cuz I know I am. I ALWAYS have been. Since I can remember. I do and say whacked out shit and I live in a completely different reality than most of my peers.
If and WHEN I stop leaving messages or listening to all the SONGS/ please KNOW that I will NEVER- through time or space be able to stop loving you. If you do not like the word LOVE- I will never stop appreciating YOU. You’ve helped me so much with my growth as a human being this go round. I am glad we found each other for the brief moments we were in each others lives. I just wish I had known your arms and maybe what color your eyes actually are. They always looked so dark to me- but maybe you liked me and your pupils were just dialated. Cuz that’s actually also a thing. And just maybe you did like me too. I think and still think you did.
