stfu listen, I just need a baguette and a brioche

"Doctor, give it to me straight" "You sure, there's a fee" "… Give it to me gay"

AGAB (Assigned Gay At Billing)

Fascinated by the fact that his first question was about if he'd have to prove it. I wanna know how far that man would go to save less than a dollar

Sorry, do you think 87 euros is less than a dollar

this sucks so bad i need to [remembers suicide jokes only worsen my mental health] put on the best talent show this towns ever seen

I think dudes who say shit like “I couldn’t love a child that wasn’t mine” shouldn’t have kids

“I could never be a stepdad because I could never love another man’s child” another man’s child? not your hypothetical wife’s child? you look at a kid and see another man’s fuck trophy instead of seeing a human being? I’m not sure you could successfully be a parent to your own biological child

obviously dietary requirements aren't a joke but my grandma sometimes runs errands for her church and i asked her what she's up to today and she said extremely seriously "ive got to track down the body of the gluten free christ, julia"

this totally scans for a swear intensifier btw. what in the gluten free christ is going on here, Julia

A miss is as good as a Mr. These are amazing.

my dumb? founded. my flabbers? gasted. my gob??? smacked

my ass???? tonished