Writing to fry my brain

Hyunjin hummed, finally having put the last of his things in their places. 

Moving sucked, but his creative soul refused to let him leave things in boxes. Besides, he wanted to explore in peace, leaving his things cluttered in his new home would just prevent peace of mind. It was dark out, but the weather was nice, so he went for a stroll anyway.

It was a nice little island, calm, some nice stores, gorgeous views that he’d have to paint later. A few people, maybe he’d make friends in the near future but-

“Who’s that?” Hyunjin mumbled to himself, he tried not to stare, but he couldn’t help but notice the man by the beach. His blonde hair and smile sparkling even under the dark sky. 

He was practically art.

Hyunjin was polite, but didn’t really warm up to people immediately. A lot of them just, weren’t that interesting to him. But this guy. Well, he had to get to know him, maybe ask if he was a model, or a muse? No, that's too far for someone you’ve never met. 

How should he approach the strange beach man? He had no idea. Maybe he should stew on it for a day? It’s not a huge island, he’d definitely run into him again. Hyunjin’s mind was going a million miles a second, he didn’t even know where to start, could he start? What if something went wrong?

“Uh, hello?” A deep voice pulled him out of his brain.

Shit.

When did he get this close to.. Uh-

“Are you new? My name is Felix, I haven’t seen you around before.”

Felix. Okay. 

“Oh my gosh, yes, I’m so sorry, I just got my bearings here today. I’m, uh, Hwang Hyunjin, just Hyunjin is fine though, I don’t know being called Hwang feels weird so, yeah. Hyunjin.”

Smooth. Very smooth.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you Hyunjin! Have you gotten to see everything? There’s actually a surprisingly large amount of things to do here, if you have any particular interests I can totally guide you in the right direction!” Felix was very sociable, which was great, however Hyunjin was distracted enough that none of that mattered.

He had no idea what was just said to him. Like at all. He heard the word interests? Hopefully. Did he have any interests? At this point he was so nervous that he didn’t even know.

“I.. I like Barack Obama?”

Felix looked at Hyunjin, eyes slightly wide, head tilted. Definitely confused. 

No shit he was confused, what kind of fucking answer is Barack Obama? Hyunjin wasn’t even American? Not even close? Who the fuck would say something that stupid what the fuck was he thinking, he wanted to run into the ocean and never look back, why did that even come to his head, did he still have his head?

“OH MY GOD ME TOO!!” Felix basically cheered. His eyes were sparkling, smile nearly uncannily wide. And surprisingly enough, that really snapped Hyunjin back into reality.

“You…do?”

“Yes oh my god! I’ve never met another Obama fan before! This is so cool.”

“Ah, haha yeah, uh, he’s pretty great!” Hyunjin has been many things in his life, but my god. He has never been this confused.

“Okay, okay wait. Prove it to me. Do an impression, I need to make sure you’re a real one.”

“Do, an Obama impression?” Felix nodded. Why was he so giddy about a president? He doesn’t even sound American. “I mean, okay sure.” Hyunjin took a breath, he didn’t even know how the guy talked, he wasn’t a fan, why would he be a fan? But alas, he wanted to be friends with Felix, and if this is what it took, well…

“Hidey-ho! Look at me. I’m Barack Obama…”

Felix gasped, Hyunjin wanted to die. That was probably the worst impression ever done.

“OH…MY…GOSH!! You sounded exactly like him, are you sure you’re not Obama in a Hyunjin suit? That was amazing!!!” There is no way that sounded like him, and Hyunjin never thought he’d hear the words ’Obama in a Hyunjin suit’ but there’s a first time for everything.

“I mean, yeah, I’m a big fan, I’ve put a lot of effort into it?” Every word pained him more than the last. 

“That’s amazing! We have to be friends now! You can call me Lix! Come to my place I can show you my posters!” Felix grabbed his hand, clearly giddy out of his mind. Hyunjin was fucking terrified.

But at the same time, he’d already gotten this far. This is his first friend in a new space, so it couldn’t hurt to roll with it.

“Okay Lix, lead the way!” Hyunjin said while already being dragged towards the homes.

“Done! You look beautiful!” You said, half getting off of your boyfriend’s lap to put down the makeup brush in your hand, and grab your phone to show him your work. Jeongin’s eyebrows furrowed as a giggle escaped your throat.

His head tilted as you excitedly opened your camera app, legs now crossed sitting beside him. “Baby, am I gonna regret this? I haven’t seen that look on your face since the pigeon kidnapping two months ago.” You giggled once again as he mentioned the event, which was some of your best work, in your opinion. Jeongin just sighed and accepted his fate as you handed him the phone.

He looked into the selfie camera screen to first see the bright blue eyeshadow you chose, blocked messily onto his eyelids, complimented by wobbly black eyeliner, and mascara that stained his undereyes rather than enhanced his lashes. Caky foundation, that was probably the right color, if you squinted…. from 50 feet away. All topped off with a bright red lipstick that probably wasn’t even aimed at his lips. 

He looked at you to shake his head, but you were too busy shaking with laughter, practically in a fetal position on the living room carpet. He looked at you, disappointment in his eyes easily overshadowed by the fond smile on his face. As you calmed down, he poked you in the side, earning a yelp from you as you sat up to look at him, eyes still sparkling with the tears from your aggressive laughing fit. “Don’t you love it, I think it’s perfect bubs.” You told him innocently, grabbing his hand.

“It’s really nice love.” He nodded, bringing your knuckles up to press a kiss to them, leaving a slight stain of red from the lipstick. Hiding a chuckle of his own.

“You seem like you have an issue though.” You pouted, though the joy in your eyes failed to fade.

“I just think, hm, maybe it could be blended a little more? Some things just look a little streaky, otherwise it’s beautiful.” He sounded surprisingly genuine considering the mess you know you left on his face. Unfortunately, the only two relationships you’ve truly committed to were the one you and Jeongin shared. And the most important one in your life.

The bit.

“Oh, you’re right! My bad, you’re so pretty I got distracted. I can fix that easily.” You responded adamantly, turning as if to grab a brush from the coffee table. He sat up straighter, and closed his eyes, preparing for you to probably just make him look crazier. 

“I’m ready wh-” He started, not expecting to be interrupted by you tackling him to the ground. “Shit! Babe, what the fuck…. are you…. doing!?” He struggles to get his words out as you lay on top of him, pressing kisses all over his face. Some of them are lighter, some of them more just you wetly slapping your lips onto his face.

“I’m. Blending. Your. Makeup.” You tell him, each word separated by another kiss, you proudly place. Forehead, jaw, eyelid, cheeks, lips, neck, because you can never be too thorough!

“I don’t think this is one of the methods! I can’t breathe!” He says, pushing up at you weakly. Though he may be enjoying the attention. If the laughter ripping through him, and his other arm clamping you down by the waist have anything to say about it.

“This is definitely one of the methods.” A kiss to his nose. “I read about it online!” Another behind the ear. “Says it helps the skin barrier too!” Another on the chin. “Something about love being the best ingredient for the skin.” A longer kiss straight on the lips, which he of course returns. Much to your boyfriend’s dismay, you eventually rise from his face, and sit proudly still straddling his thighs. He pushes himself up to put his arms around you, still catching his breath but with the most obvious grin on his face. 

“Well for such a high level technique I guess I have to see the results.” He chuckles, retrieving your phone and pulling the camera back up, shifting you to be sitting on his side, before looking at himself. His smile manages to somehow get even bigger, eyes barely even visible. “It’s perfect now! You even managed to do your own makeup while fixing mine. I’m impressed.” He says looking over at your face.

If perfect makeup was defined by both of your faces being covered haphazardly in cracked foundation, red and black smudges, and traces of bright blue powder. Then it was flawless. And to the both of you, that was definitely the definition. He snapped a picture of the two of you, I mean how could he not document the new look?

“I even blended everything down onto your neck to make sure it was even!” You noted, looking at the bright red lipstick marks, that at this point definitely matched everything else. “And to your collar bones, and maybe your shirt too.” You narrated, eyes trailing to his now stained white tank top. He giggled. 

“Unfortunately my love, this shade doesn’t blend into a white shirt, so I’m not sure what to do about it.” He whispers into your ear. Voice dropping slightly. You pull back slightly, now bright red in a way that could not be blamed on the lipstick. 

“I do have one idea…” You told him, not being able to entirely meet his eyes as you reached to the hem of his tank top and tugged at it a little. His hands met yours as he started pulling the shirt up himself. 

“Actually I think we need to blend your makeup in a little more, I see some patchy spots.” He says, both of you dissolving back into laughter as he pushes you down this time, your arms sliding onto his now bare back. Just happy to be with each other.

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The moonlight filtered into your room, one of Jeongin’s arms heavy on your waist, the other lightly on your neck, gently rubbing the purple marks that replaced the red ones. The skin still slightly damp from the shower, where he very seriously explained that the best way to remove makeup was also, in fact, kisses.

And it’s not his fault that the marks on your neck were just so pretty, but purple suited your skin tone much better, so, what other option was there than to replace them in a way that couldn’t be smudged off. Besides, you were laying on his chest, rubbing at his collar bones that you chose to return the favor on. So he wasn’t wrong.

You were catching him up on your work drama from the past week, and he was just listening intently. Pout forming on his lips when you stopped mid sentence to turn over and grab your phone.

“Sorry baby, I just remembered I never got to see the photos of our looks from earlier today.” He kissed your head as he looked at the screen as you entered your passcode (his birthday, he was very proud of that), and pulled up the photos. You snuggled deeper into him as you looked through them, body warming with joy as you looked at your smiles, and the one selfie that you didn’t know about,  of just him and the original, not “blended” makeup you had started with. Clearly just happy that you had fun.

“You know..” He started.”I think you could’ve feathered out the blush a little better. Even in the after it’s still really bright” 

You turned further into him and giggled, pressing a kiss into his chest. “Jeongin, my love, my light, my perfect wonderful baby boy. I never put blush on you in the first place. I think that’s just you.”

Chris just sat there. He knew that you needed to get away, and guilt ripped through him like a tornado, but he sat quietly, unmoving, hands folded in his lap, eyes glazed over, coffee going cold, laptop unopened. He didn’t mean any harm, he really did just want a friend, and you had just seemed like the right person to approach. However he was wrong yet again. Ugh, he pulled his phone out of his pocket. 4:15. He had work at eight. Less than four hours left. He rubbed his temple and pushed himself up out of his seat, throwing his untouched beverage into the trash, hoping to leave the thought of you with it.

You curled up tighter into your blankets, phone screen burning your retinas, you were so tired, but you had to get to work today, it was a busy day at the restaurant you waited at, and your boss was already on the verge of firing you. So you continued to doomscroll, frown twisting progressively deeper as you swiped through mindless video after mindless video. You found no joy in spending hours on social media, but it was distracting. You could rage over how dumb a rando on the internet was, rather than have to take abuse from customers, or think about that guy from the coffee shop.

You still felt like shit about that. He was so nice, and was so kind despite your extremely irrational breakdown. You were just a piece of shit with no interpersonal skills. It was probably better you disappeared. Better to avoid it now then form a connection and have to deal with losing him later. 

Your phone was blaring at you as you forced your eyes open. The annoying ringtone your phone came with made you want to throw the thing across your room. But your eyes shot open when you saw who it was. You scrambled to pick it up and hit answer.

“Y/N, where the fuck are you?! The lunch rush is about to hit and I’ve called you three fucking times, your shift started an hour ago!” Your boss was livid, and you were terrified, you didn’t mean to fall asleep you really didn’t. You didn’t even know when it happened. Tears welled up in your eyes as you struggled to respond.

“I’m so, so, so sorry. I don’t know what happened, I accidentally fell asleep, and I didn’t think to set an alarm earlier, I’m so sorry I’ll be there in fifteen, I’m so sorry I-”

“Stop fucking apologizing and start getting to work on time, I’ve been so flexible and you can’t even make it on a busy day that you promised you’d be here for. After the lunch rush, come to my office. This can’t keep happening.” Before you could cry out another apology, the phone was already hung up. 

You couldn’t even be mad at her for yelling, she was right, she gave you so many chances, and you guessed she was finally done. You’d gotten ready faster than you ever had in your life, guilt powering you through the tears and the exhaustion. You practically ran the whole way to your place of work. Shoving through the door like you were being chased. 

“Oh you’re finally here, for once.” Your coworker told you, motioning for you to hurry up. Everyone was upset at you. And you felt suffocated. It was like a fucking nightmare, everyone practically hated you at this point and you couldn’t dig yourself out of the grave you buried yourself in. You wanted nothing more than to be liked, but your mental state ruined you. You couldn’t even take care of your basic responsibilities, and you were about to be unemployed because of it. 

Your parents were going to kill you. And you were probably gonna have to move back in with them, and their looks of disappointment. You felt like such a failure, a useless waste of space who didn’t deserve to breathe oxygen that could be used on actually valuable members of society. 

The lunch rush dragged on and on, your coworkers shunned you, and customers seemed meaner than usual, one even throwing their drink at you because they said you brought them a coke and they asked for a pepsi. You told them there was no pepsi, and they agreed to a coke as a substitute. But you guessed they changed their mind. One of your coworkers laughed at your soaked state, muttering something about it being deserved. You desperately wanted to tell them that it was rude and that you were having a rough day, but you decided that you deserved the snarky remarks, and that you were always having a rough day, so there was no excuse.

The rush finally slowed, and you were mentally preparing yourself to go back to your boss’s office. As you walked back, a familiar face crossed your peripheral vision, or at least you thought. You wanted to go back and see, but you just chose to ignore it and assume it was just your imagination. 

Your boss grimaced at you when you walked in. Clearly bothered by your presence. But she allowed you to come and sit across from her.

“You’re done.” She stated. “I’ve given you all the possible strikes I could, and I really didn’t want to do this, because I do believe you have some shit going on. But I just can’t keep you here anymore. I need someone more reliable.” 

You just nodded. Having nothing to refute with.

“I know, I’m sorry.” 

That was all you could say as you pulled off your name tag and placed it on the desk in front of you. 

And that was it. 

You lost your job. 

Your only productive reason to even consider leaving your shitty little apartment that you wouldn’t even be able to afford anymore. You slipped out quietly, trying to choke back the tears. You had no right to cry. You did this to yourself. 

Head hung low in shame, you walked towards the door of the establishment, feeling the eyes of your coworkers boring into you, filled with judgement and annoyance. 

But then you saw that familiar face again, and, shit. It was him.

“Chris?” You called incredulously. Hand shooting up to cover your mouth after realizing he heard you.

“Y/N, oh my god hi?” He shifted, wanting to get up and greet you, but refraining. He was worried he would scare you off again.

You wanted to go to him, apologize about running off the night before, maybe cry to him about losing your job. But you quickly noticed two things. He wasn’t alone, and you were still in a restaurant where the whole staff fucking hated you. So you blurted out a quick nice to see you and left. 

Chris frowned. He just said hi, did you hate him that much? He probably freaked you out from the beginning, and you were just too nice to tell him. He didn’t know why he wanted to see you so badly, but it killed him knowing he was graced with another shot and managed to ruin it just by saying hi. 

“Who was that?” The man sitting across from him chirped.

“Oh, just, a recent friend I made, we aren’t close or anything.”

“Damn, she looked terrified at the sight of you. What did you do to her?”

“Shut up Felix, I didn’t do anything, we spoke one time.” Chris groaned out, not wanting to think about the situation. 

“Hey man, I’m just speaking from observation, you can’t get mad at me for that!”

“Please shut the fuck up. I’m serious, I don’t want to deal with this, don’t be an ass.” Chris snapped, albeit, very calmly. Voice low but sharp. 

“Geez, okay, sorry man.” Felix responded, not wanting to anger his coworker any further. Chris wasn’t the type to get mad too often, but when it did happen, it wasn’t a pretty sight, and it was something he was deeply ashamed of. Frustrated, he just rubbed his forehead and took a deep breath.

“Anyways, what’s up with the project? You seemed concerned.” He asked after relaxing.

“Oh, yeah. They want it expedited, need it done a week from today, or they’ll terminate the project.” Felix sighed. Chris could swear his eye was twitching. Just what he needed.

“You’re kidding right? Like, this is some mean joke.” Felix looked down and shook his head. “Our deadline was a fucking month from today, what the fuck do you mean one week?!”

“Look, I don’t know what they’re thinking with this, and I know that’s a crazy short amount of time to produce a full length album, on top of other projects. But this is our biggest client! The boss will have our heads if we lose them.” 

“Shut up Felix.” Chris spoke, voice sharp enough to cut through bone. Felix shrank back, trying to avoid any more trouble. “You don’t understand the pressure I have to go through! You fucking sit there and listen to things, and maybe do a voice demo! All of the hard work falls on me for fucks sake. I have to come up with melodies and lyrics in a world where everything has been fucking done already!! Do you understand how hard that is?! This project is sixteen full length tracks, I don’t even know if that’s possible so stop being fucking calm about this when you have it easy!” He was about to start screaming when he looked at his colleague’s face.

Felix was terrified.

Fuck. He froze. Hard. Realizing the consequences of his actions. He sucked in a breath.

“Sorry Lix. This isn’t your fault. I’ll make sure everything gets done.” Felix just looked at him, eyes wide, almost glossy. Chris immediately stood, dug out his wallet, pulled out some cash and put it on the table. And with nothing more than a nod, he disappeared. 

Chris was livid at himself as he drove home, knuckles squeezed so tight around the steering wheel he wasn’t sure if he could feel his fingers. “Fuck this. God dammit why can’t I just take my responsibilities like a normal person. Why am I lashing out at my coworkers for no reason?! They didn’t do this. Why am I mad at them?” Then he had a realization that made his heart drop. Breaths quickening as he pulled into his driveway.

“She could see right through me couldn’t she?” He was probably being an asshole and not even realizing it. She could probably see right into his twisted soul, and knew she had to run as fast as possible. His head fell onto his steering wheel, practically hyperventilating at this point. He would never be able to just, have friends, or any sort of close relationship. Even his coworkers were scared of him. His ears rang and he was barely taking in air. 

His body went limp against the wheel.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Your eyes tore open at the sound of your alarm, still bleary and sticky from not enough sleep the night before. You’d spent the whole day moving into your new apartment, preparing yourself for your final year of college. Your roommates seemed fine enough, having met them for the first time yesterday. You had originally planned to get a place with one of your best friends, but she decided to stay with her parents to save money. You considered that too, but decided not having to deal with their hovering was worth having less cash. As much as you loved them, you just couldn’t continue to live with them. Besides, you had a surprisingly decent job, it was a boring corporate internship, but it paid well enough, and your boss was respectful and flexible. So, you embraced it. 

Getting up was always the hardest part of the day. After staring at the ceiling for twenty minutes, you finally managed to drag yourself out of bed to start getting ready. You were honestly a little nervous. Your summer had gone horribly, your ex girlfriend having broken up with you because you were “clingy and holding her back”. Not a great thing to hear for someone who’s lived their entire life with debilitating anxiety and a fear of taking up space. 

Alas, you persevered. Sure, maybe it was through a month of bed rotting and sobbing and eating too much ice cream, but it still counted.

However, you had made a vow to yourself, no romance, none at all. Not because you didn’t want it, but because you had decided you didn’t deserve it, and that you would never find it anyways, so why even make an attempt? Why look out for it when it would be futile? 

You were the type to love fully and completely, you could never just hook up, as tempting as it seemed at times, you needed to love, and be loved in return, and to you it was your fatal flaw. People never wanted that with you, especially not in college where it felt like everyone was just looking to get some. Your ex, Mina, was your first love, she seemed like she was open to love you, sort of, and she did, for two years, until she hung you out to dry. You took it hard, you shielded yourself and hid your heart away, unwilling to let anyone see it ever again. There was a small part of you that fluttered at the thought of maybe finding someone new this school year, someone to satiate you and make you believe in love again, but you shoved those feelings down, scared of what would happen if you let yourself be open again.

You smoothed down your top, a new blouse that you purchased to celebrate the first day of school, it was soft, and fit you perfectly. Sure it was a little pricey, but totally worth it in your opinion. After a glance at yourself in the mirror, you were ready. Nerves fading into a forced confidence that was necessary to get you through the day. You put your headphones on, pushed play on your favorite playlist, and walked out the door.

After what felt like an hour of walking in the hot sun, you threw your bag next to you and plopped down in your chosen seat, three rows from the front. Close enough to see clearly and far enough to not seem like a tryhard. Though maybe you already gave off that vibe from how early you were. You were the first one in the room, even before the professor, but you couldn’t help it, being late terrified you. You looked at your phone, half an hour until class started. You cursed yourself for your anxiety, maybe you should’ve just waited outside. But, you were already there, and didn’t have the energy to get up again. So you just scrolled mindlessly.

Eventually you heard the door click open, finally, another person. Maybe the professor?

It wasn’t the professor. It was a boy that you could swear you’ve seen before, but had never talked to in your life. He was dressed simply, but well. A white T-shirt with baggy jeans, some bracelets and rings, and a very expensive looking cross pendant. Of course. Probably a bitchy rich kid, you hummed to yourself and decided to just ignore him, and his toned arms, and his strikingly handsome face…

“Fuck” you whispered to yourself. You looked away quickly, realizing you were staring. You didn’t mean too. You weren’t blushing. He was probably an asshole. Attractive, but an asshole. You turned your head back to your phone, figuring he would find a seat at the back of the lecture hall and it would be the end of it. But he continued padding down the steps, choosing the seat right in front of you. A fully empty lecture hall, and he picked the spot right in front of you. You muttered another curse under your breath.

“You okay?” The boy in front of you asked, turning to face you with what seemed like a glint of real concern in his eyes. Your eyes shot open, not realizing that you had spoken loud enough to be heard.

“Uh, yeah, fine, sorry, just a stupid text from one of my friends.” You lied. He just nodded and turned his head back to the front of the room. You weren’t sure why you responded so coldly, and you felt a little bad for pegging him with asshole status right off the bat. He actually seemed kind of polite? But, it didn’t matter if he was polite and pretty, as you would never interact again. He was just some rando in your class that you definitely did not find even the slightest bit intriguing. Because that would be crazy, and you were a calm level, headed, independent human being. It would be absurd to have a crush so quickly. You didn’t want feelings like that anyways. In fact you promised yourself you would avoid them at all costs.

Your mind raced faster and faster until it just felt like static. You don’t know why you were so worked up. You didn’t want to think about it anymore, and to your relief, people were finally flowing in at a more regular pace. You sighed and pulled out your laptop. Grateful for the distraction. 

As the professor was calling attendance, you found yourself focused on the boy in front of you, something in you needing to know his name. When the professor called out “Yang, Jeongin” he raised his hand, and you took note, practically branding it into your brain. 

When class ended you nearly booked it out of the room, you had been stealing glances at Jeongin against your will, and you felt ridiculous. You couldn’t even see his face, you just observed the folds in his T-shirt, the way his blonde hair brushed his neck, the impulsive thought of running your fingers through it crossed your mind, and you quickly poked your pencil into your arm to ground yourself. After making it out the door, you went over to the cafeteria to meet up with your best friend for lunch.

“Hey Y/N!” She smiled at you and ran up to give you a hug.

“Ava! Hi!” You responded, pulling her in and squeezing her tight. Ava and you had known each other since middle school, having gone through all of the possible cringey phases together, you considered yourselves to be essentially sisters. She was there for your highs and your lows, being a shoulder to cry on after your break up, among other things. You chatted about all your life updates, as you waited for your food to be made, continuing the conversation through full mouths and sips of your drinks. It was great to reconnect after a couple weeks of not seeing each other, her being on vacation, and you preparing for college. It felt like home.

“Oh my god, you’ll never believe this.” Ava started. “When I was on vacation, I met the sweetest guy ever, super cute too, his name is Minho, he’s got three cats, and, crazy coincidence, he goes to school here too! We’re not official yet or anything, but we’re meeting up for coffee later in the week. I’m actually so excited!” You smiled and congratulated her, jealousy twinged deep inside of you, but you were happy for her, really. Just maybe a tad jealous. Her face dropped a little as she decided to ask a sensitive question. “Have you been talking to anyone recently, I mean I know maybe it’s a little soon, after Mina and all but–” You stopped her by putting a hand on hers.

“It’s okay, I haven’t. It’s great that you have, but I’m taking a break from all the feelings. I don’t wanna mess it up again.” Your best friend gave you a sad smile.

“Ah I get it, but are you sure you wanna do that? You’ve always been so in love with love, it’s weird to see you dismiss it.” You shrugged, ignoring the ache in your chest at the correctness of her words. 

“I lost the spark. It’s not what it’s cut out to be, and I’m fine with that.” You were lying, you weren’t fine with it. You could never be fine with it. Love had been something so characteristically you for probably half your life. Pulling away felt like breaking your body in half. Thinking about it hurt, and the mentioning of the topic put you back into a spiral, the feelings of not deserving love and being too afraid to believe it overwhelming your senses.

Ava’s voice rang through your storm cloud of thought. “Minho!!” She all but screamed.

“Shit, hey Ava!” One of the guys walking past your table responded to the call. He was handsome, brown hair framing his facial features. Ava quickly got up and gave him a hug, which he happily reciprocated. You then noticed the other guys with him, they had stopped as well, clearly curious about the new addition in their friend’s life. Eight of them, you counted, and they were all attractive, you scanned each of their faces until you landed on a familiar one.

Shit. Of course it was him. Of course Jeongin had to be friends with your best friend’s crush. What a fucking coincidence. Some kind of stupid movie bullshit that could only happen with your abhorrent luck. You bit back a groan of disappointment as introductions ensued. Minho beginning. “So these are my friends, Chan, Changbin, Hyunjin, Jisung, Felix, Seungmin and Jeongin.” They waved politely.

“I’m Ava, and this is my best friend Y/N,” you chuckled sheepishly and waved back. Then much to your chagrin, Jeongin opened his mouth.

“Hey you’re the girl who sat behind me in class earlier! It’s nice to officially meet you” then he smiled at you, an irresistible dimpled grin gracing his already pretty features and you wanted to end it all right then and there. But you were in public, so instead you acknowledged his greeting with a nod and a returned smile. Quickly forcing your gaze to the floor to avoid anyone noticing the blush spreading across your cheeks. After what felt like forever, the guys finally went on their way, and Ava went back to your conversation.

“Ooh, so you know Jeongin?” She asked, eyes glittering.

“No we don’t know each other, he just sat in front of me in my composition class is all.”

“He’s cute! You should totally talk to him some more, I can ask Minho to officially introduce you if you want, I’m sure he’d be fine with it!” At that your face fully morphed into a scowl.

“Ava, I don’t want a new love interest, please don’t push me.” You snapped. Your best friend looked at you like a kicked puppy, and you immediately felt terrible.

“You’re right, I’m sorry, I just thought maybe–”

“It’s okay, I didn’t mean to snap, it’s a sensitive topic, so can you please not bring it up again.” Ava nodded. She immediately switched the topic out of respect and you enjoyed the rest of your time together before she had to get back to her parent’s house.

You relished in the warmth of your bed after a long day, you’d either been on your feet or in class or replaying the way Jeongin’s smile alone managed to light up a room, and shit. Forget the last part. You weren’t interested in him, you weren’t allowed to be. But of course now you had to deal with this fucker every Tuesday and Thursday in your comp class. He probably wouldn’t care enough to interact with you anyways though. You weren’t pretty or particularly intelligent, or worth anyone’s time of day in your mind. You were just a freak, desperate for people to like you. You turned aggressively in your bed, frustration building up at the effect that a stupid guy had on you. But after a little more tossing and turning, and a touch of angry muttering, exhaustion washed over you and you finally fell asleep.

You were sitting on a bench studying, wind rustling your hair, sun warming your skin. It felt like bliss. But of course, as  you turned to the next page in your study guide, you heard something.

“Hey, Y/N.” A familiar voice called out to you. You turned your head to see the infamous Jeongin, with flowers? What? You tried to feign indifference, but he chuckled when he saw your ears turn pink. Fuck. He had a really cute laugh too. And good choice in flowers,  a gorgeous bouquet of orchids, how did he know they were your favorite? His cheeks flushed a pale pink as he held out the orchids to you. “I got these for you.” You hesitated, but reached out for them, your fingers brushing his for a brief moment. It was small, but it sent a jolt of lighting up your spine.

“Thank you, but, can I ask why? I mean, we barely know each other, and how did you know my favorite flower, you only know my name and–” You were rambling now. Nerves and emotions flooding your senses. You had just met this guy, why was he giving you flowers? Why weren’t you mad about it? Fuck, you were always a sucker for romantic gestures, and you just didn’t have it in you to deny that smile. As you were stewing, Jeongin stood there. He was patient, as if he could hear the gears in your mind turning, and he was willing to wait as long as it took for them to quiet down.

“I like you, Y/N.” He whispered after a few minutes, a confession that was just for you. It was straightforward. And shit, it felt like he meant it. Even after you rambled, and questioned his romantic gestures because of your lack of self confidence. And you couldn’t deny the flutter in your heart, you couldn’t deny that despite telling yourself you wouldn’t find love again, that he swooped in and cracked your resolve. And he liked you?  You were such a hopeless romantic and you hated yourself for it. But maybe this would be a change, a good one. Your ex seemed to love you, but cringed at the thought of showing it, you made silly cards and took polaroids and got matching jewelry to share with her, and she pushed back on all of it, telling you it was immature. But here was this man, he barely knew your name, and still put in effort you had to beg for in a long term relationship?  Maybe it was a sign, maybe it was your chance to be able to have a love so full and complete that it warmed your soul and eased your pain. And as much as your anxiety screamed no, your heart said yes, and you knew what the stronger force was.

“I like you too, Jeongin.” His smile could’ve lit up the entire city, no, the planet. Lips turning upwards and eyes closing with pure joy. You smiled back, for the first time in a while, you were excited, your heart beat fast and you wanted to stay in this moment forever. You were so enamored that you almost missed his gaze flicker to your lips. But you didn’t.

“Can I kiss you?” He asked, with so much love in his eyes you could swear his pupils were heart shaped. You nodded, already starting to lean closer to him. You didn’t realize just how badly you wanted this until it actually happened, and when your lips were about to touch–

“FUCK!” you yelled, as your alarm blared in your ears, loud enough that your roommates could definitely hear you. You were livid. What kind of fuckass dream was that? And why were you so upset that it wasn’t real? You didn’t have a crush and you didn’t want one. Ugh, you were probably just upset because it was seven in the morning and you had class, that had to be it. 

Begrudgingly, you got ready, your dream on repeat in your head entirely against your will. It would fade eventually, you just had to wait it out. Besides, you didn’t have comp today so you wouldn’t see him. You had a lab, so maybe you’d get a really cool lab partner or something. New people were always scary to you, but you tried to be optimistic. Of course being the only biology major out of your friend group meant lacking friends in classes. 

You entered your lab, half an hour early as always, as much as you hated it. But at least you could occupy yourself with setting up your station. So you did just that, sliding on your stained lab coat, putting your hair into a messy ponytail. Reading over the procedure. Honestly it seemed like kind of a fun lab, you couldn’t complain, even though you would definitely change your mind when writing the lab report later. A few minutes later the door opened, signaling the arrival of another person.

“Hey Y/N!” 

“Oh, hi…Jeongin” You had to withhold a sigh. Just your luck.

“I didn’t know you were a bio major, I am too! It’s kind of funny, I mean, we’ve never had a class together, and now that our best friends are together we have two classes together. What a coincidence. I don’t have any bio friends though, so it’s cool that we met!”

“Yeah for sure, I actually don’t have any bio friends either.” You responded, trying to ignore his presence through continuing your lab set up. But he got closer.

“Would you want to be lab partners? I genuinely wouldn’t know who else to ask and random pairings are the worst.” Of course he had to ask. And of course your need to people please made it so you couldn’t say no. Even though you couldn’t honestly admit that was the only thing that motivated your response. So, you agreed. A rush of excitement pounded through your veins, and you immediately shoved the feeling down. He was just your lab partner, nothing else. Just two hours every Wednesday and that would be it. 

You didn’t hate those two hours. Admittedly, he was the best lab partner you’d had in your entire college career. He was respectful, intelligent, followed instructions, and didn’t make you do all the work. He even stayed to help you clean up. And you were able to confirm that he definitely wasn’t an asshole. He didn’t talk much about non-lab stuff, but when he did it was just, genuine, like he was just a fun guy who was a little bit of a science nerd. 

“Y/N, do you want to get lunch and work on the lab report together? It’ll probably be easier than working on it alone, and we could make sure all the data is shared and stuff.” He asked, while you were putting the last beaker away, explaining a little more than he probably needed to.

God you wanted to share a lot more with him than data, but you settled for a “Yeah sure! That would be really helpful.” and followed him out of the room. As you were walking to the cafeteria together, your internal spiral began. Why would he want to hang out with you? It’s just for the lab report, but what if it wasn’t? Did you want that? What if-

“Shit, Jeongin, I’m sorry, my friend just texted me, I have to go, maybe we can work out the report over text? I’ll see you later!” You had to stop yourself from full on running away, you didn’t even give him a chance to respond, unable to even look back at the confused expression that graced his features. He mumbled something as you left, but you couldn’t make it out. Something about a number? 

There was never a text from your friend, you knew that, and you prayed that he was unaware.

It wasn’t until you got back to your dorm, and had the thought of properly apologizing to Jeongin and trying to schedule a time to work on the report that you realized what he was mumbling about. You didn’t have his number, and he didn’t have yours. You didn’t even think about it because you were too stuck in your own head. And you ran off like a crazy person. Oh my god, it was all hitting you now. You felt like such an asshole. He had been nothing but kind and you let your feelings get in the way of a fucking homework assignment. It wasn’t even a romantic move, and you let yourself get worked up over nothing. He was probably gonna ask to switch lab partners, and never talk to you again. And you had to see him three times a week in classes. You could never face him again, maybe it was for the best to just drop out of college and go live in a hut in the woods. 

You wanted to apologize, but there was no way to reach him, and you didn’t think you’d be able to say anything coherent if you tried to talk to him in class the next day. So you just gave up, accepted your fate and wallowed in self pity. When your phone beeped you mindlessly picked it up, maybe it was Ava giving you the tea on her coffee date with Minho. But  to your surprise, it was an unknown number.

“What the-” you start to mumble as you wake up to a furry little body laying over your face. “Soonie what the hell are you doing?” You manage to groan out, quickly realizing something was not right. Your throat hurt, and chills were consuming your body.

Shit.

You did not have the time to be sick, you had to go to work in an hour, and you had a big project due in less than a week. Your boss would have your head if you weren’t there. Maybe you could swing working remotely? Ugh. The timing couldn’t be worse. And Soonie seemed to sense your increasing frustration, as he quickly scrambled off of you and out of the bedroom, not wanting to face your wrath.

“Honey, breakfast is ready.” Your boyfriend, Minho spoke softly, peeking his head into your shared room.

“I don’t want any” You snapped back at him, flipping to your side to avoid the sad eyes that your bout of frustration put on his face. You didn’t mean to get upset, he did nothing wrong, you were just so overwhelmed with responsibilities and the newfound illness tipped you over the edge. 

You quickly shifted back over to face him. “I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean to snap I just, I don’t feel so good, and I don’t know what to do because I have to be at work, I mean, you know about the project, and well if I’m not there I’m so screwed and-” You were cut off by a chaste kiss.

“It’s alright y/n, I can hear it in your voice, I believe you. But you should still eat something. I made steamed eggs but I can make you something else if you’d like.” You smile softly, grateful that your partner is so caring.

“You don’t need to make anything else, steamed eggs sound lovely, Minho”.

“Glad to hear it,” his face shifts slightly, to almost a smirk.”Just so you know I’m not letting you go to work today. You’re staying home and being taken care of”. Your face immediately drops, moment over.

“Babe I have to go!” You say, quickly pushing yourself up to a sitting position ready to make a run for the door if you have to.

“Nope, you’ll take longer to feel better if you go today, you can’t overexert yourself.” Minho spoke matter-of-factly. And you knew he was right. As annoyed as your boss would be, it would be significantly more detrimental to make your illness worse and be out long-term.

“Fine, I’ll stay, only because I love you though”. Your boyfriend smiled.

“I love you too sweetheart”. He replied, wrapping his arms around you in a firm, but gentle hug. “Now I get to spoil you all day”. He giggled like a little kid at a carnival. Oh how you loved this man. You wondered how you got so lucky as to find someone who found such joy in caring for you, in loving you. And man, it definitely made being sick a lot more tolerable. You chuckled as he softly grabbed your hand and led you to the dining room. Like a gentleman, he pulled out your chair and pushed it back in after you sat. Constantly glancing back at you as he went to grab the food. Just to make sure you were okay. It was so sweet, it gave you a warm fuzzy feeling, that almost overpowered the chills shooting up your spine. Unfortunately, almost was not enough, and as Minho was carrying two plates of food over to the table, he noticed you shiver. You watched his face twist with concern.

“Oh gosh, love, you’re burning up”. He breathed out after making it to your forehead to check your temperature.

“I’m okay baby, seriously.”

“Uh, no, you’re not. One second”. He raced out of the dining room, and came back seconds later with a fever reducer and a bottle of water. “Here, take this” he said as he handed you his findings. You complied, and quickly swallowed the pill. Following with a sip of water. “Now eat, you need fuel if you want to feel better.” Your boyfriend chided, reaching for the fork, he was entirely ready to feed you, anxious to care for you and get your fever down.

“Love, I can feed myself, it’s a fever not a death sentence,” You reminded him. He nodded and let you take the fork from his hands, a slight frown on his face. He trudged over to his seat at the table.

“You sure you don’t need my help? I don’t want you to strain anything.”

“I’m sure,” you smiled “I’m not feeling great but I still have most of my strength baby, you don’t need to worry too much”. You gave him one more reassuring look then promptly dug into your food. The eggs were fantastic, you felt yourself perk up a little bit at the first bite. “Wow, these are really good Minho. I think I’m feeling a little better already!” Minho grinned, clearly proud of himself.

“Thank you baby! See, aren’t you glad you get to be taken care of by me, instead of going to work?”

“I suppose I am, maybe the sickness was a sign that I needed a day to be taken care of by my wonderful boyfriend!” Minho was eating up the compliments, he loved providing for you, but he especially loved when you told him he was doing a good job of it, and you knew that fact very well. But you loved seeing him happy, so you were happy to indulge the man. And admittedly you were enjoying being cared for, even if you were gonna get an earful from your boss later. After finishing your food, Minho quickly escorted you to the couch, making sure to bring your water bottle and forcing you to drink more of it.

“What should we watch? Or would you rather play a game?” Minho inquired.

“Can we play Mario Kart”.

“Of course my love, but I’m not gonna go easy on you even though you’re sick”.

“I wouldn’t want you too”. You and Minho played Mario Kart for a good three hours, just enjoying each other’s company (and you enjoyed beating Minho’s ass, which he did not appreciate). 

“Okay, okay, you win y/n, can we stop playing now?” Your boyfriend whined.

“I guess, but you’re just salty because I’m better than you.”

“Yes I am actually, that’s a great observation.” You laughed at him, to tease of course, but also because you were just so full of love for this idiot.

“I love you so much baby” you confessed, giving him a little peck on the nose. He returned the favor with a kiss on the lips.

“Baby, you’re burning up,” Jeongin spoke softly to your just awoken form, his hand softly placed over your forehead.

“Mm, I’m fine love” you responded, voice laced with sleep and congestion. You were most certainly not fine. You could already feel your raging fever and you weren’t even sure if you could sit up. But the last thing you wanted was to worry your loving partner, he had practice later, and you didn’t want to distract him with all the crazy comeback schedules thrown his way.

“I don’t think you are, you can barely talk.” He responded, shifting and sitting up in your shared bed. “I’m getting you some water and a fever reducer and you’re going to take them, whether you like it or not.” You whined at his words, taking meds was one of your least favorite things to do. The bed dipped as he climbed out and you continued to lay there, watching Jeongin’s figure open the bedroom door and step out.

After a few minutes he came back, glass of ice cold water and 2 pills in hand. You just observed tiredly as he sat back down on the bed and looked over at you.“ Come on y/n, you’ve gotta sit up” You hated that he was worrying over you, but you also knew how much he loved to provide, so you relented and slowly pushed yourself into a sitting position, your boyfriend's hand immediately reaching to your back to help support the movement. Even just sitting up you felt weak, it was extremely unpleasant. Your hand shook lightly as it reached over to grab your meds and water, which Jeongin quickly noticed.

“Here baby, let me help” He spoke as he moved closer to you, landing nearly in your lap. He motioned for you to open your mouth, and you listened as he carefully slipped the pills onto your tongue and held the water to your lips for you to drink. After choking them down, he put the water on his nightstand and put his hands over yours. Allowing some time to pass in silence.

“Jeongin, it’s almost time for your practice.” You choke out, breaking the quiet.

“I’m not going today, I gotta take care of you.” He responded matter of factly.

“I’ll be okay sweetheart, I don’t want to keep you from work, I know how busy things are.”

“You were literally shaking trying to drink some water, no way I’m leaving you alone. You’re not feeling well baby. Let me take care of you.” You nearly started sobbing with those words. God it was such a beautiful thing to be loved. You can’t even begin to imagine how you scored such a beautiful soul.

“I love you. So much.” You told him, unable to make eye contact. He blushed at that, eyes darting to the mattress.

“I love you too, love” He whispered. Hand squeezing yours with the gentleness of a morning breeze. As if you were something he was gonna break from loving too intensely. He brought himself closer to you and carefully looped his arms around your waist, slowly lowering you back onto the bed. “Now get some rest honey okay? It’ll help you feel better, I’ll go make some breakfast-”, you muster up all your strength to pull him down to the bed next to you.

“Can you stay? I just, I don’t want to be alone.” You plead, puppy dog eyes melting his heart.

“Of course my love.” He says as he turns to face you, slinging a leg and an arm around you and pulling you closer to him until your bodies are touching, hugging you like he never wants to let go. You cling to him in response, his warmth and love radiating into your soul, and regulating your temperature. He presses a soft kiss to the top of your head which lulls you into a deep, comfortable sleep. 

What was the point? You asked yourself again in the mirror, as you recounted your day through the marks you bore into your flesh. Watching with a twisted pleasure as droplets of blood formed along each cut, each mistake.

To others, it was a cruel form of self-punishment. To you, it was how you ended your day. A simple system. You kept a careful count of your mistakes, and you paid for them. One mistake, one cut, a small price to help relieve yourself of the agonizing guilt. The harrowing pain that yanked your body apart on the daily, that made you feel worthless. That disconnected you from the world until you couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t. You hated it, but the cutting made you feel, it forced you back into the real world. Even though it burned, you had to do it. It was like a calling almost, it was a religious habit, an addiction even. It ended your day, you couldn’t sleep without cutting yourself, even though you had scars in just about every place you could hide it wasn’t enough. 

“One for bumping into that guy earlier, one for sighing at work” you spoke to yourself, each screw up being atoned for by digging the razor into your thigh one more time. Finally after a solid 15 tallies were carved into your skin, you were finished for the night. With a groan and a swallow you put your head in your hands, elbows against your bathroom sink as you felt wet blood dripping down your leg. Really, though, what was the point of existing today, or any day for that matter, the red fluid reminded you that you just failed again. Even though you tried so hard to have a failure free day.

You trudged back to your bedroom to take your meds. One of your least favorite parts of the day. You took them religiously, but it just felt like you were swallowing little lies. Pills that were laced with a promise to make you feel better, despite failing every day. With the extra sting of just tasting bad. 

However, that night you made a decision. 

You were giving up.

You were leaving the pain and sorrow behind you, and finally taking yourself to a better place. 

You were ending your life. And you had just gotten your prescription refilled, so you had the perfect means to do it.

You wasted no time in getting started once you saw the orange bottle on your desk. You picked it up and dumped the full contents into your hands, shaking slightly, body filling with anticipation. Was it finally your time? Are you finally getting relief from all the pain you had to live with for your whole life? It hurt, but it felt like release. 

You couldn’t do it. There was a primal urge preventing you from swallowing the pills and the shaking reached from your hands into your arms, and you just, couldn’t do it. The tears started flowing. Hot down your face, salty, full of rage, and confusion and just about every negative emotion your rattled brain could muster. Why? Why can’t I be free of this bullshit? You thought to yourself.

You dropped the medication, each pill clattering to the floor, quickly followed by your shaking frame. It was uncontrollable, everything was flowing through you and forcing itself out and you had no control. By this point you were sobbing, wailing loudly, praying some divine being would hear and free you from the suffocating misery. But maybe you deserved this. You deserved to suffer through life, unable to get better, to get anywhere besides deeper into the rabbit hole you were spiraling into. To be six feet under, but alive, where no one could hear you scream.

Eventually, your body relented. It slowed down, the shaking subsided and the tears ran dry, replaced by a looming sense of dread. You needed to get out. To get away from the mess that was your apartment, the cage where you abused yourself.

So you did. Despite it being three in the morning. You knew it was worth it. Some fresh air would do you some good. Even though your eyes were still burning and stained with tears, you headed to your local cafe. You couldn’t bear to sleep, so you needed some caffeine to get you through the night. Maybe a pastry too, as much as you felt like you didn’t deserve to care for yourself, you really couldn’t deny a good danish. Your love for the pastry ingrained in your soul when you sank your teeth into it.

The cafe was relatively empty, but there were a few night owls hanging around, some having conversations with their friends, others idly sipping on coffee. It was kind of nice, it felt like a dreamscape, like you weren’t really there, maybe you were watching a movie or something. 

You were in a daze, that is until a soft voice with an Australian accent knocked you out of it. 

“Ah! Sorry to startle you, but would it be okay if I sat here?” You looked up to see a kind man with big brown eyes, shyly gazing at you, drink in one hand, and laptop in another. And, well, you kind of just stared for a second, until you noticed his lips twist with concern.

“Oh my gosh I’m so sorry, yes, uh, of course” you manage to splutter out. You curse under your breath as he chuckles and pulls out the chair across from you, gently placing his laptop on the table, leaving it unopened. You manage to meet his slightly worried, but friendly gaze and notice something.

This man looks tired. In a hasn’t caught a break in weeks type of way. There were bags under his eyes, his hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed in a week, and he even looked a little pale, like he’d been living off of coffee exclusively for quite a while, he interrupted your scanning with a greeting.

“Hi! I’m Chris, and you are..?”

“Oh sorry, hi! I’m y/n, it’s a pleasure to meet you”

“The pleasure is all mi–” before he can finish his sentence, in your attempts to shake his hand you knock your coffee over and it spills all over the table. Chris quickly removed his laptop from the situation, before coffee could get all over it thank god. But in your eyes you’ve committed an atrocity and the tears you thought you had thoroughly cried out welled up in your eyes again. Chris noticed this and immediately ran to grab some napkins to put on the spill before comforting you.

“Hey, y/n, don’t worry, yeah? My laptop is fine and it’s just a spilled coffee, super easy to clean up! I can even get you a new one if that would make you feel better?” You shook your head. 

Fuck, you just met this perfectly nice guy and you’ve already screwed up twice, you probably ruined his day, but here he is offering to buy you another drink even though you owe him, and not the other way around. Ugh, this is why you’re a monster, and why you don’t deserve love. 

“Seriously, you’re okay!” His voice dripped into your inner dialogue like a sweet honey. You didn’t realize just how badly you needed to hear that.

“Are you sure? I mean, we just met and I’ve already messed up twice, you barely know my name and I’ve humiliated myself and you’re still here, why are you still here–” the words poured out of you like a torrential rain storm, you just couldn’t stop them, despite feeling terrible for getting so worked up in front of a stranger. 

“I promise, it was a little mishap, no harm no foul, I still wanna sit here if that’s okay, and get to know you better. I could use a friend.” He smiled at you, it was such a sunny smile, pushing the storm clouds in your head out, and clearing your mind just enough to respond.

“Please stay then, I need a friend myself” you say honestly. Partially regretting keeping him around, because you knew you’d ruin him eventually. But selfishly, you needed this, you’ve been so isolated, and finally, someone approached you with no malice. You just needed a little while with the feeling. The feeling of simply not being alone.

“So, why are you out at a cafe so late? Or early I suppose” Chris asked, genuinely curious.

“I could ask the same of you.”

“Haha, well, see, I’m basically living off of caffeine right now, and I kind of ran out at my apartment. Besides, it’s not like i could sleep anyways, I figured some fresh air would do me some good”

“I assumed, you look exhausted.” Chris tilts his head in surprise and sighs.

“You’re very observant y/n. I guess if you don’t mind me saying, I'm a terrible insomniac, and so busy with work I can barely take a deep breath.” He tells you honestly, like the words have been eating away at him for years. Maybe they had been. You decided it wasn’t your business to ask.

“Ugh, I get that, well, not the insomniac part, usually all I do is sleep yet I’m exhausted anyways. And, yeah. Work is hell for me too in all honesty.” You weren’t sure why you felt okay oversharing to this man, but he was doing the same thing, so you felt okay not registering it as a mistake. Besides, you were nearly revelling in the human interaction, you’d been holed up, alone for days. Any conversation felt euphoric, and with a kind person too? What god had decided to bless you today?

You internally shivered at the thought. Something so good must be a gateway into something especially bad. But oh well, just this once you’d let it happen. It was worth it.

“How do you have time to sleep all day? My job takes up every waking moment of my life sometimes, man, I wish I had that kind of time.” You sighed at that and before you could think, you answered honestly.

“Oh I really don’t have that kind of time, most days I just have to call out of work sick because I can’t even get myself out of bed, honestly it’s a miracle they haven’t fired me yet, but yeah, it’s not so great..” you froze, hard. You hadn’t even explicitly stated that you had depression but Chris knew immediately, you could tell by the way his face shifted, from a soft smile to an expression of guilt.

“Oh my, I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have assumed that, well, I just shouldn’t have said that I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

 Those last 3 words rang in your head like someone was pounding your skull in with a brick. You hadn’t heard those words in years, and you didn’t know what you were supposed to do with them. 

Before you knew it, your emotions were once again pouring down your face. You tried to stop, but your sobs just got louder. Chris was looking at you, eyes wide, like he just slapped you in the face. He wanted to reach out, to apologize, to shield you from the other faces in the cafe turned towards your crying form, but he couldn’t, he just, didn’t know how. And you felt terrible, you were in public breaking down in front of a guy you just met. Neither of you really knew what to do or how to de-escalate, so you just sat there. Chris’s arm slightly outstretched towards you as if to tell you that he was there, and your arms pulled in as close to yourself as possible to give some semblance of protection.

Luckily after a few minutes, your tears ran out again, and you were able to find your way back to reality. To your surprise, he was still there Worried, but patient. 

He was there.

You didn’t even know how to react. So you mumbled an apology and looked down, unable to meet his eyes.

“Are you okay?” He asked again, quietly, terrified of breaking you again, guilt mixing into his words.

“I’m so sorry, I– I just haven’t heard those words in a long time, and I was having such a rough day I didn’t know what to do and it just, caught me off guard and I guess I just broke down. I’m okay I swear, but you don’t even know me and you’ve been so kind and I just don’t understand why and–” You were just rambling now. This whole interaction felt like something out of a traumatizing hallmark movie. 

You had no idea what to do with it, so you ran from the situation. “I’m sorry I have to get home, my uh, my fish is waiting for me to feed him.” You didn’t have a fish.

He looked a little disappointed at that. “Oh okay, no worries y/n. Thank you.”

“What are you thanking me for, all I did was knock shit over and sob in the middle of a coffee shop, you were the one who dealt with me despite just meeting me.” You replied, somewhat dumbfounded.

“Maybe an experience like that just happened to be exactly what I needed.” He chuckled. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. You took that as your cue to leave, ironically. You waved him off and walked about as quickly as you could without looking like you needed to escape.