10-5
Really hate the feeling of not being able to defend myself to my relatives.
After my grandmother's interment, an uncle of mine -- whom I have not seen for a decade -- told me and my sister to undergo a diet because we don't look good physically. I have been so so so uncomfortable with my body ever since the pandemic as I know I have been gaining weight and it is hard to shed it off with the stress of working from home and online classes, being positive for COVID-19 and have undergone isolation for 2 weeks, the death of my grandmother afterwards, as well as the mental toll this pandemic have been continually giving us. I kept quiet, out of respect, but I told my sister not to mind him as he had nothing to do with our lives.
Afterwards, they wanted us -- me and one of my relative -- to sing and dance, to lift the mood after 8 days of wake. He said I can't. Because it will cause an earthquake -- still a stab on my weight gain. This got me thinking, do I really weigh that much? My BMI is still on the normal level, though on the verge of being overweight. My vitals and laboratories are all normal. I am not sure right now what my weight is, but I know that I gained. His words are eating me, crushing all the self worth I've been building up for years, But still, I kept quiet.
When my sister and I are leaving, he again told me to line up first for the queue for "thin" people -- sarcastically -- I had enough. I wanted to shout at him and tell him to stop shaming anyone as he do not have the right to do so, I turned around, faced him, but I am surrounded with my relatives and they are all staring at me, and all I can tell him is "go first".
On my way home, I've been so down. I wanted to defend myself so much and the fact that I kept quiet and did not stand up for me because I am scared of what my relatives would think makes it worst.
It's been three days and I can still vividly remember it. It's running in my mind most of the time and it now affects my mental stability and my everyday activities. I've been picturing his face every time I eat and it is affecting me, and not in a good way. It don't motivate me to lose weight, it made me feel bad about my entire being.
I stopped studying to write this because I could not get it out of my head.
I don't know when will I overcome this. I don't know when will I be okay. I wanted to have my revenge but I know it is already too late now. So please, be kind to everyone. Be gentle. You do not know what they are going through. You do not know what they are fighting everyday. Have mercy on their souls.
And for the people like me, if you have the means, and if you can take up the courage, stand for yourself. Don't be like me and suffer the consequences of regret. Fight for yourself. If no one won't, you will.
