from the notebook

So she watched the sun rise, staring at the beauty she had never thought possible. Maelyn had watched the sun rise plenty of times, but this one was different. There was renewal in it. If she was ever going to change herself, it would be here and now. She had a way of taking the things she loved and ruining them for herself, but this would never be one of them. The daily workings of the farm was one thing that would never cause her anger to boil under the surface. If she was worth anything, it was the way she could tend to the land around her.

And so she began her new daily routine. From her rocking chair she stood, strolling down the path to their chicken coop. Maelyn carefully scattered out the chicken feed, and their appearance came soon after. There was only three of them so far, they were the only animals here, but Maelyn loved each one of them with every ounce of her heart. She couldn’t wait to show them off to the few friends she hadn’t scared off yet. It was a dark thought, but one Maelyn was used to. The same hand that was so gentle in this moment could long to be hostile in the next. But the gentle part of herself still existed. It fought against her temper, and while it had its failings, Maelyn couldn’t fault it for anything. If there was any place it thrived the most, it was here.

There were hints of healing deep within the dirt she stepped on. It had a way of teaching her more about the side of herself she never embraced quite enough. At night she punished herself for her failures as she cried into the early hours of the morning, but Maelyn never thought hard enough about how she was trying. It may not be enough for some of the people around her, but it was enough for this farm. Enough to put all of her care and love into her dream. 

That was where she saw them. At first she thought it might be her imagination, that she had really gone crazy this time. But it would’ve taken more than drinking to manifest a sight like this. The same person she saw in the memories, in the flesh, in front of her now. He didn’t notice her. He was too busy talking to the very replica of Astrid’s old self he stood with. She didn’t want to believe it. Her heart started skipping like it would break out of her chest, and she averted her eyes, as if it wouldn’t happen if she didn’t look at it. Her vision swirled as she did. Maybe her mind was trying to save her from the many glances she took back at them. 

They couldn’t be here together. Right? Not in that way. He couldn’t have moved on so easily. He couldn’t have replaced her. Her hair was the first thing he had issue with, not the state it was in, but how she longed to change it. Now he was here with a girl with the same long flowing brown hair, the kind he defined Astrid by. She kept looking at them, as much as she didn’t want to. Astrid was supposed to be free, independant. The keeper of her own heart. But maybe he still had a key to it, she realized as she found she couldn’t tear her gaze away. He still had as much power over her in that moment as he always had. If she looked in the mirror she would be startled. This was not her, not the real Astrid, but the one he clipped the wings of and hid away in her own cage of an apartment.

It was when he leaned in closer and whispered to her replacement with that same playful smirk on his face that she knew. There was no denying it. He loved her, in the same way he had loved Astrid. Maybe more so. She wished it was her. The thought stabbed her in the heart. After all of this time she had spent picking up the pieces, Astrid still wanted to be with him. She wanted to be the one he kissed at midnight. She wanted to spend the next year with him. This was why she didn’t drink, she thought to herself as she tilted her bottle back again. She had done it a lot since she had spotted them.

He still hadn’t noticed her. Hadn’t even looked in her direction. She half hoped he would, half hoped he wouldn’t. Astrid just wanted to know what he would say to her. They hadn’t talked since she left. Would he avert his gaze, like she had avoided looking at him? Would it hurt him the same way she hurt now? Or would he grin at her and kiss her replacement, reminding her of what they had? The answer would haunt her if he didn’t spot her. It shouldn’t. She should be fine with seeing him here, with someone new. He was single now, he was allowed to do that, even if it was with an exact picture of her former self. But she wasn’t. Maybe it really was because she was drinking. It would be, if she was lucky.

Her replacement had the same innocence to her that Astrid had this time last year. The kind of person that stared at her partner and believed in the power of their love. She wondered how long it would be before that innocence was ripped from her, too. It wasn’t her fault, nobody’s but his, the one who insisted upon keeping his lovers the appearance that he loved the most. Him having a type made sense, it was why he tried to keep Astrid the same, and refused to let her grow. But the thing he still didn’t seem to realize was that people were ever changing. With every experience, with every day, every moment. And so would the one he wrapped his arm around, one day.

The thought made Astrid want to throw a punch at him right there in the middle of the party. Her free hand formed a fist before she stopped herself from running toward him. As bitter as seeing a mirror of herself tasted, her heart ached for her. Would she be here with Astrid next year, watching as his newest trophy sat by his side? Astrid understood the exact smile she gave him now. She was drunk on her own attraction, on how good everything was now. She remembered the feeling well, it was so much like the buzzing going through her head now, only much more peaceful.

If she could do anything, it was save her. It was the closest Astrid could get to going back in time and protecting her own heart. She had to try. Even if his new love denied it up and down, just as Astrid would have done, she found herself finally standing. Her light brown gaze pierced into him, the breaker of both of their hearts. Her stumbling feet guided her through the crowds. Before she knew it, she was clinging to the side of a clear table as she struggled on top of it. She stood now, on shaky feet, the world high above her. It was the first moment that night she felt like herself. The clock hadn’t struck midnight yet. She still had the chance to reclaim everything.

“Hey! Listen up! Everyone listen to me!” she demanded over the music, her voice ringing out. He finally looked at her, deep blue eyes sparked with recognition. Astrid smiled wide at him, as if he were her own prey, as if he was the one caged now. Her replacement looked quizzically at him, and then at her. Astrid softened as she met her gaze. This wasn’t about her and her own vengeance, as much as she wanted to start a fight with him. This was about the future, and this was about protection.

 “Listen to me,” she said, lower now, her voice slurring. “You have to run, okay? He’s told you stories about me. The definition of heartbreak, he tells you that I shattered his heart and saved the fragments.” Astrid knew him. Always playing the victim, even as she was under his knife. He held her hand protectively now, staring at her, but she was staring at Astrid. “You have to understand,” she pleaded, her voice full of every pain she never spoke of. “He trapped me, he’ll do the same to you. I’m your reflection, I was the same way, I had your hair color and your lovestruck stare,” she went on, gesturing to her hair as she spoke. “But he’ll break you. He’ll cut your heart out and keep it with mine, and set them on fire like the devil he is.” Astrid still refused to look at him again. 

“You have to run,” she said again. “Promise me you will. If not now, then in a day, in a month, in a year. Just listen to me, come to me, I’ll help you, always.” It was then he took a step forward. “Who are you, of all people, to tell my girlfriend she’s gonna get hurt?” It was the same hostile tone Astrid had memorized, the one that haunted her dreams and her thoughts. It was then she scrambled, grabbing onto one of the chairs as she almost slipped off of the table. The little heart she had left begged for an escape. “Yeah, that’s right, run away. Run like you always have.” The words were spat at her, much like they were in every single fight they had. It was like he placed Astrid back in that apartment, even if it couldn’t be any different of a room.

Darkness and gold were the only things that surrounded her, she figured out as she sat up. The only light was from her prison that shined around her. Imogen took a few steps forward, her hands resting on the cold bars of the cage. It sent a shiver through her in a way no other dream had before. She tried to pull the bars apart, everyone told her that she could control her dreams if she knew she was in them. But no matter how hard she tried, it never worked for her. It was best to just face the fact that she was trapped. For how long, she didn’t know. Imogen could only guess at what would kill her this time. Something always did, the only question would be which mind would it come from. Her own, or the gathered memories she had within her?

Before she could even make a guess, the light around her darkened, fading into the darkness itself. Imogen would have guessed she was free, if not for the deep feeling within her that she would never be free. It was the same one she felt from Astrid in their conversations before she came to stay with her. The only light now came from a pair of eyes shining feet in front of her. They had a spiral pattern to them, but were a familiar shade. Her heartbeat quickened, but she threw her arm out between the bars regardless, knowing this might be her only chance to face the coward who had placed this fear into the one person who had been there for her the most. 

Just like that the cage shattered. Imogen flinched at the sudden freedom, but wasted no time as the emotions trapping her finally faded. She sprinted in the direction of the one staring at her, only for him to turn and run away from her. “Of course you run away!” she spat, running in the direction that the eyes had been. Now there was nothing but the hint of a figure in front of her, but she chased it anyway. He was always running, always terrified. Mostly of the person Astrid had wanted to become, who she was now. But once it had been of Imogen herself, in their one conversation. She had taken joy in it then. The only time she would ever be grateful to put fear into someone.

Now her chance to do it again disappeared. The figure faded, in his classic way, leaving her alone in the darkness. Had Astrid felt this alone? Deep inside she knew the answer. As Imogen took another step forward to see if she could continue her search, the ground cracked beneath her. Her heartbeat sped up, pounding against her chest as everything broke apart around her, sending her falling.

She hit the ground with no pain at all. Now light shined on her again, but only from the mirrors that were laid out in front of her. Ten, twenty, thirty, she stopped counting. The one directly in front of her showed the reflection she knew she would see. Flowing brown hair, a bit longer than her usual blonde. It was odd to see again, even if it had been only weeks since Astrid had dyed her hair. Her eyes were almost amber, it felt as if they had their own way of cutting through the darkness, though they didn’t shine in the intimidating way the other set of eyes did. It was a more comforting warmth, one she was very used to seeing, one that had once been stolen away. 

As she stared deeper into her reflection, it was as if snippets passed through her mind. The speed of them was so quick, Imogen froze in place. It was like her entire life flashing before her eyes, though it was only her time with Astrid. Their first meeting, the nervous first days of their friendship, her friend helping her through her darkest times. The whirlwind of both of their lives when Astrid moved in with the one who’s name she refused to say. The distance that grew between them, the worry in Imogen’s chest every time she would hear her friend’s voice, every time she would feel as trapped as she did in that cage. The final relief, how she cried when Astrid told her she had finally left, the nights they spent catching up and trying to stitch both of their broken hearts back together.

When it all released her, a distant feeling stirred, and many followed after it. In a way she knew how much resided here. Waves of memories took their time visiting her, each coming and going as Imogen looked to the back of a different mirror. All of them were her own, for once, which was an unfamiliar occurrence in her dreams. She stepped away from the first mirror, being careful not to look at it again. Instead, she checked the ones that had their backs to her. Some reflections she didn’t recognize, but she remembered their stories. A few conversations she overheard, one cashier who had been particularly sad, trying to hide it with her best smile. Her teachers, passerbys, the gentle stranger who had pulled her out of the darkness she had felt herself sinking into on one particular day. 

Was this where all of her memories remained? She shouldn’t be surprised that they were within a dream. Or was it just a deeper part of herself that she had somehow gained access to? There were a lot of questions, none of which would be answered here. Imogen looked straight ahead of her now as she ventured further into the mirror room. The path led her to one in particular, one where her own reflection stood. Her blonde hair had returned now, her eyes their normal green. It came as a relief, to have some identity after she saw other’s eyes where her own should be. 

But before she could go any closer, the mirror cracked. The world around her followed suit, even as she turned around and tried to run. Every other mirror in the room suffered the same fate, each putting a new crack into her aching heart. Just as the reflections around her shattered, so did she, the room slowly cracking away. Imogen looked to the floor, not baring to see all of those faces break away, but under the floor laid one last mirror. It was almost a reflection of herself. Almost. Everyone knew they had been so similar. The only difference was that she had their mother’s eyes, the eyes Imogen had never forgotten, even after her death, even as she avoided the pictures they had taken together.

Moving on was about making new memories, she had realized over the years. It wasn’t like this was Astrid’s first heartbreak, just the most notable one, and the only romantic one. It hadn’t helped her that she had relied on the one person who was supposed to be there for her more than anyone after she had grown distant with her parents. Turns out, none of them had interest in supporting her. The only one she trusted now was her best friend. But she still wasn’t here, because no matter how close they were, Astrid had to sit at this table on her own.

It was where they always came on date nights. They always said they would try other places, but like clockwork, they ended up here each time. Even when it felt as if she was trapped inside of a homemade prison, they sat at the same table and she smiled like nothing was wrong. No matter how free she felt now, being here had a way of making her heart ache. Mission accomplished, she supposed, no matter how hurtful it was to her. The more times she arrived and faced their memories, the more they would fade away, from her mind and everyone else’s.

The regulars stared at her, as if they wondered where her supposed other half was. Astrid had no ‘other half,’ no one did. They just fooled themselves into believing it. She was no exception, of course, at their highest of highs she imagined herself in a flowing wedding dress. The image had crumbled fast, and she still didn’t know if she should be angry or grateful. It didn’t really matter, did it? In the end she was alone here. There would never be a wedding for her. Never would she allow herself to be trapped by the illusion of love.

But never would she have those moments again. The thoughts of them, the happy, shining moments lingered in the back of her mind, always. Astrid tried to ignore them by scrolling through her phone, but the glances of the people around her wouldn’t let her forget. As she came here it would become normal, she reminded herself. Soon she wouldn’t think twice about coming here. The moment felt far away, and maybe it was, but it was still worth fighting for.

Fighting for it meant letting pieces of her heart fall away, forming her new self. Even if it meant enduring the eyes and words of strangers who asked what had happened between them. They seemed so happy together, they told her as her nervous eyes glanced toward the door, as if he would come walking in at any moment. As if he would confront her in public, which he made sure to never do. It was why it was so hard to believe to everyone around them besides her best friend, who had seen tiny snippets unhidden. Now the whole world saw the pain she had been through, and the pain she now put herself through. 

[tws include ghosts and hints at emotional abuse. please let me know if you need anything else tagged!]

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The only time Maren Cerulean seemed to thrive anymore was at night. This night was no different. The lines of trees enveloped her as she entered the forest behind her home, the place that she was constantly trying to run away from. But what good would it do her to be on her own? All life would do was crush her. Just as it had over and over again. So she found her nightly escape in just about every area in her town, under the stars she loved so much. They couldn’t exactly be seen yet, not with the treetops above her head. Thinking about being that high up sent a shiver down her spine, and it wasn’t because of the cold. So she kept her brown-eyed gaze ahead of her.