Sit Down, You Know You Can't Handle Me

Septum, yes or no?   

When I was 7 I moved to a different town. Everyone was so pretty, everyone had money, was fashionable. Even at 7 and 8 I've felt alone and not worth it. I met my best friend when we were like 9. She would later save me from killing myself, but that's another story. She doesn't know it but I thank her everyday in my mind. So in September I found thinspo. Skinny, Skinny, SKINNY, it's the only thing that went through my head every moment of every single day since. I lost 8kg, I've recently gained 2kg, but that's nothing compared to the accomplishment that I've felt over the past three weeks. I started cutting when I was 10, I started hating myself more and more from that age. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at 11, depression at 12, anxiety at about the same time. I went to many therapists, but I have the most convincing smile of pain on a human. My arms aren't covered in scars, nor is my body, but my heart and mind are. One wrist has a couple cuts, but the deepest is caused but cutting over and over and over in that one, amazing place. I recently realized why I get piercings and are so amazed at them, and when I get them I find peace. It's because it gives me pain, relief and almost a weight off my shoulders. You see, I am over weight. I do care about my weight, I'm trying to do something about it, but it's harder than people think. I see skinny people and I envy them so much. One day, I will be that girl that I've always wanted to be. For me. No one else. But still, that SKINNY, SKINNY, SKINNY obsession is KILLING ME. Every day, everything I eat, I have to think about how many calories there is in that, does it have a lot of sugar? Yes? Put it down. Does it have over 100 calories? Yes? Put it down. No? Have half of it. Hungry? Drink water. Still hungry? Too bad. At mid day, I'll think to myself, I can wait until dinner time. At dinner time, I'll say I can wait until breakfast tomorrow. At breakfast, I'll say I can wait until lunch. It re peats. It's a cycle of never ending guilt.   I'm Bulimic. I don't throw up as much though. I over exercise.  I don't want abs, I don't want to be toned. I want a flat stomach, collar bones showing, skinny arms and perfect legs. PLEASE GOD GET THIS OUT OF MY HEAD. 

Hey. I'm not going to be able to do the ABC diet. Though I promise I will eat under 500 calories and exercise. I can't because I'm too tired most days, and I'm getting too sick because of it.  My mums going into hospital for four days. I'm 80kg, because my mum made me eat, but that's okay, I've still lost 8kg. My goal weight is now 60kg, not 55kg, because my body type can be perfect at 60kg and not 55kg. I promise I'll update you when I can. <3 

Today was tough, considering it was a friends birthday. So I had to have cake. They forced me to. Cake: 150calories. I didn't eat much of it at all. Salad: like 40 calories or something like that. I did some cardio and I went for a 35 minute walk. :D 

Hey :D Today I ate about 300 or so calories. Not over 400 though :D Banana: 90 Four Strawberries: 24 A tiny bit of yogurt with them (about one and a half tea spoons): I'm guessing about 30-60 calories. I put down 60, just to be safe. I'm not sure though. Half a kiwi fruit: 23 And two wholemeal bread, toasted: 160. The toast was un-needed. But my mum looked at me like "You've only eaten that?!" Tomorrow is only 100 calories.  BRING IT ON! 

In the ABC diet?

YES! Somehow, my body managed to loose another couple kgs overnight. I checked on five different scales, I've lost another 2kgs! I'M UNDER 80!

I'VE LOST 6 POUNDS! I'M 178 POUNDS! Oh. I'm so happy :D!!! Tomorrow I will treat myself and go out for coffee. Within my calorie limit, of course. YAY! YAY! UNDER 180!!! 

Hey :D I signed up for a local gym today. I start next Wednesday at 1.  So I can spend a lot of time at the gym :D (like three hours). You can go whenever you want, which is awesome too. Today; Banana: 90 Toast with egg :200 I'm going out tomorrow to buy a whole load of strawberries, berries and other amazingly bright food. Total: 290 Just under 300. Woo! No exercise, I had school, and I slept most of the day :c  

Hey :D I ate under 500 calories today, I don't know the exact amount, it may be 300-400 calories. I didn't get out today, I was a bit sick :c Tomorrow is a new day, 300 calories, here I come!