tut mir leid

Just as I thought I was finally coming down from having a crush, she texts me. Suffering in silence as an addict to her, only erupting my feelings to my friends. I have no idea if she likes me back.

I watched an animated video by Skelemonbones of Leon from RE: Requiem and Courage the Cowardly dog. It was Courage being Courage but in RE:R, and he is doing it screaming the whole time. I need to be more like Courage, do it anyways do it scared.

I drive myself insane by being the victim of my own rules I live by. I hate struggling to take care of myself and making ends meet, so I desperately work to exhaustion to put effort in bettering my conditions. I never give myself proper rest, not just sleep, because I feel immense guilt if I rest. If I give myself proper rest, I feel like a loser who is complacent with the status quo. I know I need rest, but it’s hard to accept it. The last time I rested was because I was too burnt out and depressed to function. When my psychological stress manifested into physical symptoms, that’s when I pumped the breaks. I don’t have to be like this, but darn capitalism makes poor feel painful and I don’t want to keep struggling so hard

the human condition makes me want to vomit, but the click clack of mahjong tiles reminds me of community and grit

This whole month of May I’ve been in shambles, which also means my writing is so good. I feel like a poet and a lyricist. The pain I feel flowing out my fingers, my words my voice needing a place to land and to scream into the void. I self-harmed for the first time in three years. I called the 988 national hotline again, the woman who answered my call knew this wasn’t my first or fifth rodeo. I’ve been journaling and junk journaling all my pain. I’ve been leaning heavy on my friends and family, I am reminded what it is like to be human. I am human, I make mistakes, and I cannot prevent accidentally hurting others. I try really hard not to, and I do my best with the information that I have on hand. I want to blanket my loved ones with my whole heart and soul. I am the people I surround myself with, and I’m so lucky every day to be full of love. I count my blessings and know my pain just needs time to be felt, I will make it through.

when my friend asked me if having subtitles on are okay, i was taken aback. me? watching without subtitles? i have live captions on during phone calls. i lip read when i’m out and about. i use asl when i can, however most people don’t know asl. i cannot hear if i cannot see. my username says it, i was born with hearing impairment

Having healthy relationships with guy friends is so healing! It makes me happy to be alive, it nurtures the wounds created by my father and past ex’s. I love when the guys allow me to dap and not just hug!! I’m one of them!! I am me!! I am alive!

My best creative writing is either about a lover or experiencing the pit of depression. It’s that need for human expression and connection, and finding all the best words to paint a big picture of how intense those highs and lows feel. Lately the depression pit and lover has been happening at the same time. Occasionally feeding into the other