Inverted Imagery

Now shoulder thy burdens

And carry thiers' well

You're the only thing standing

Between them and hell

==

Despite doing a lot better lately, I've been stuck in this situation where everyone around me needs intense emotional support and I have no way to get any myself without potentialy destabilizing everybody. I haven't heard from my therapist in over a month, I can't talk to one of my partners because he's dealing with his own CPTSD on top of autism, which means he can't handle the intensity of my emotions, my sister's own traumas are flaring up as well and it's triggering the shit out of me, and I feel too guilty about burdening my other partner with my feelings when she is also trying to support our other partner, on top of being the only one that works. She deserves SOME clear headspace. It feels like everyone is going through so much that there's never a long enough stretch of peace for me to sit down. And the nature of these trauma flare ups is that if I don't step up, things could get ugly. It's some intense psychological pain involved, and if not handled carefully, could result in self injury or worse.

And it's not just complaining or venting I need to do either. I'm processing a lot of my own trauma lately, including surfacing repressed memories. My abusive/neglectful parents are also in the hospital and I'm praying they don't come out again, but I also dread the funeral arrangements. Wherever my birthgiver is, I refuse to go. If she survives and my father doesn't? I can't go to his funeral. That's not even accounting for my sister, who will have to deal with yet another layer of parental trauma on top of it.

I wish I was capable of giving myself the same caliber of support that I can give to others, but no matter how much I need it, I just don't know how. Especially when it involves showing compassion to someone whom I've loathed for many years (me).

To be quite honest, it’s just me no longer caring because I’m frustrated and I want to write. So it goes like this:

It’s a longish term project where I write roughly 1000 words based entirely on just a title. Once I collect enough of these, I’m going to cram them together and sell it as a compilation of excerpts books that haven’t been written yet.

I’m always going to be taking suggestions for titles. I’ll write any of them that tickle my fancy. For every five or so of them I complete, I’ll be giving you guys a choice as to which one you want me to post publicly (the rest of them remain unrevealed until the book happens to materialize)

For now, I’ve got two:

How to Convincingly Pretend to Love your Incredibly Ugly Children

and

MY BEANS: Where Are They Jeff I Know You Took Them I Need Sustenance You Fool

I’ve gotten cross and am determined to start ‘finishing’ pieces now.

I got my hands on some perler stuff! Also figured out a ~secret method~ for making the topside shiny.

Made a cow priest based off this ominous image that I love dearly: