The Blessed Unrest

Being with you felt like wearing a pair of jeans I used to have.

They looked good on me, Hugged the right places, but my gosh, not comfortable.

I never really could figure out why They just never quite fit right. They were the right size, I think, at least, Not way too big or way too small. But something about them, Maybe some subtle detail of the front zipper, Or, the way they were cut, maybe it was something the dryer did to them, over the years, Whatever it was, They just weren’t Quite Right At least, not for me.  

But Everyone complimented them, And the truth is, I hate shopping for new jeans. Also, I’m not always above vanity, And I kind of liked the way they looked.

They were jeans that the version of myself That was cool, low-key Chill, Not trying too hard But also put together, Would wear. In my life where, I am someone who Always has a clean kitchen And never forgets To turn off her straightener But is also up for A spontaneous road trip And never says no to pizza, Maybe these jeans would have been comfortable.

For years, I kept wearing those jeans anyway, even after I was solidly aware, Of how uncomfortable I was in them.

Here, in real life, My actual self spent the entirety Of anytime I wore That pair of jeans Thinking About the moment I could go home, break free of this leg jail And change back into my treasured comfy sweatpants.

The first time someone asked me if we were dating we, like, meaning you and me I laughed out loud

Oh no no no I said just friends, good friends, but still, just friends I mean, we were roommates (for a year!) we just got close from that, that’s all

That wasn’t the first time the idea of we, like, meaning you and me dating, like, for real had crossed through my mind

I’d thought about it before definitely, definitely, definitely thought about it

The idea entered my brain

when you sat a little close to me on the couch when you scooped me raw cookie dough when you refilled my drink at parties when you showed me pictures of your niece when you grew a beard when you danced with me at weddings when you went to watch the sunrise with me

Maybe I’d thought about it just a little bit

(I’d definitely definitely thought about it.)

But I brushed those thoughts away (quickly, quickly) never let the idea linger because, I was dating someone else or recently mourning someone else or dating too many someone elses

Or maybe, just never wanted to let myself think (hope) that there was a chance (even the smallest, smallest chance) you might like me, like, actually like me even though you know me so well

Even though you’ve seen me ugly cry (on embarrassingly frequent occasions) Even though you know I’m notoriously late (you never, never are)

Even though you know I don’t particularly like baseball (you really, really do) Even though I sometimes complain too much (you are so good about staying positive)

The stakes are higher with you (Too high? Too scary?)

Because

For you, you, you (Of all people - you!) To want to be with me To want to be a we We, like, meaning you and me

WOW That would be real And scary And terribly wonderful

I remember feeling a deep sense of nostalgia during my last month in Chicago. Everywhere I went, I felt sappy over the fact this might be one of my last times in this coffee shop, at this special restaurant, walking along that certain route, having a slow morning on the little back porch of that apartment I loved so dearly.

I’d been in Chicago for my entire adult life up until that point, and genuinely loved (and still love) that city and the community I’d found there. I knew that I would miss it. And once I left, I really did miss it. Not just the people I knew there, not just the memories I had there, but I found that I missed the actual city itself. It was an odd feeling, and the first time that’s happened to me. I still sometimes wonder if I’ll end up back there.

Preparing to leave D.C. has such a different feel to it. Granted, I’ve only been here 2 years, as opposed to my 7 in Chicago. And most of the time I was here, I was working almost around the clock. Teaching full-time at an intense school while also cramming in all my M.Ed. coursework made for an exhausting two years. It was just a very different experience for me overall, and I dealt with an overwhelming amount of personal struggles that added on to an already challenging period of my professional life.

Weekend report. 

My 8th graders graduated on Friday evening, which was a surprisingly sweet event. I didn’t realize how sappy and proud I’d feel seeing all my goofballs walk out in their caps and gowns, but they looked so grown up all of a sudden... and it did touch me a tiny bit. After lots of hugs and yearbook signing at the graduation reception, I snuck out to grab a late dinner with friends at my favorite D.C. pizza place. 

I went for a run and took care of some errands first thing on Saturday morning so I could spend the rest of the day at my friends’ rooftop pool. We drank in the sun, dipped our toes in the water, and I soaked in enough Vitamin D that my freckles have started reappearing. It was a total “no hurry” day, and by the end I was so relaxed that it felt like I’d gone on a little mini-vacation. 

Yesterday’s good list: 

1. Airplanes are great places to think about major life decisions. 2. You will find a way to stay in touch with the important people. 3. The short commute and walkable neighborhood are worth the extra rent. 4. The more you write, the more you will find to write about. 5. Teaching someone to tell their own story is more powerful than telling it for them. 6. It had nothing to do with you. Try your best not to take it personally. 7. Exercise will give you more energy. For real. 8. Having more clothes means doing more laundry. 9. Pedialyte really does help with hangovers. So does Excedrin. 10. Work that feels meaningful to you is worth more than all the gold in the world.

Inspired by posts like this, I thought writing down my June goals here would be a good thing to try. There’s a lot happening in my life right now, and I don’t want these to get lost in the shuffle of the end of the school year chaos.

Here are my goals for June 2017:

Current life motto.

1. It’s always the boys you don’t like who fall in love with you.

2. The day you wear a white shirt is the day you will spill the coffee. 

3. You will get a window seat in an empty row on the 1-hour connection, but a middle seat between twin body-builders on the 6-hour flight. 

4. If you can’t remember if you need toilet paper, just buy it.

5. The dream job offer, clear across the country, comes as soon as you start to settle into your current life.

6. People will snack on the food if you make it. 

7. No mascara is waterproof enough for your best friend’s father’s funeral.

8. When someone is treating you poorly, it usually has more to do with them than with you. 

9. If you can’t remember if you need wine, just buy it. 

Want a super easy brunch drink hack?

I needed a last-minute brunch offering today, and this was so easy to pull together…. but everyone raved about it. I just poured a little Trader Joe’s French Berry Sparkling Lemonade into this Ikea bottle, topped with a bunch of prosecco, and threw some blackberries and raspberries in just for fun. I wanted to keep it light, so I didn’t add any more booze, but I think some gin would be a great addition too if you’re wanting more of a kick.

Life has been a little insane lately. Here are 7 random happenings from my world recently.

One of the most annoying parts of any break-up is all the stupid little everyday things that remind you of him afterwards. Inevitably, the longer you date, the more of these things there are.

It can be haunting at first. Turning on the radio in the car is no longer safe, because who knows what traumatizing song the DJs might play. You see his favorite kind of pre-packaged cookie at the grocery store. Someone else orders iced tea at the restaurant, and of course, that makes you think of him. He didn’t even like wine, (really, that should’ve been a clue things weren’t going to work out) but somehow, despite that, the wine section of the liquor store manages to remind you of him. And then it reminds you of that other boy you spent years splitting bottle of Italian reds with, and the thought spiral continues.

The list can go on and on and on. That great breakfast sandwich places you always went to together on Sundays, maybe the entire city where you reunited for a weekend once, maybe the neighborhood he said you two should settle down in, or the park where he told you that he loved you for the first time. Any roads you once drove down together, any of the places you went together, the places you were going to go together… They’re all fair game when it’s haunting season. 

But see, I knew it was time to call a closing on this haunting season when I was weirdly losing it at Chipotle the other night. I went to Chipotle for the first time in high school. It has nothing to do with him. Okay, maybe I went there with him a few times, but c’mon girl. Pull it together.

He can’t have this one. Somehow, that crossed the line. I’ve had at least three very serious boyfriends since the first time I went to a Chipotle. And I’m not going to even try to count how many other people I’ve casually dated and possibly gone to Chipotle with in the past decade. Not that it’s any of your business anyway, but I’m no floozy, and I’d still guess I’ve been to Chipotle with more than 10 boys I’ve been varying levels of romantically interested in.

Anyway, that’s not the point. The real point is, he doesn’t get Chipotle. I’m just not going to let him have it. And I went to that breakfast sandwich place long before I knew him, so I’m claiming that one as my own too. And you know what, that other boy might have been part of the reason I learned to like coffee, but I think I’ve proudly taken over that habit as my own now. I’m claiming that one as mine too. He does’t get it all. None of them do.

César Chávez

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how applicable this quote is to so many different political issues. Whenever we lose track of the fact that people are at the center of all these debates, that real people’s lives are affected by the decisions being made, that’s when our country as a whole starts to suffer. 

- I had so much fun in California. It was awesome. More on that to come!

- I stopped in Minnesota for a bit to see family on my way back to D.C. My mom and my dog are napping on the couch across from me in the living room, and it’s making me lose any and all desire I once had to be productive.

- I’m currently in the midst of applying to jobs and it is THE worst. I forget how much time this all takes and how stressful it can be, and jeez. Please send prayers and/or good vibes. 

- I’m ONE day away from being done with ALL of my M.Ed. coursework! So close.

- My mom showed me a video titled “Genius squirrel has found a way to get two free ice creams a day” that she was really pumped about. I’ve always wondered who clicks on those kinds of things, but now I know.