I just want to be loved

I want to be thin as I never have been, reach a specific weight etc.. but at the same time I don't want to be sick, I'm terrified of dying so if I don't go as far as some of you, do I still have the right to consider myself with an eating disorder ?

however, since I started this journey, it has left me with enormous psychological consequences, body dismorphia, my brain has blocked with solid food and has therefore developed phagophobia (irrational fear of choking while eating)

technically because of this phobia I haven't even been on a diet for several months, I fight every day to eat, but as soon as I see the weight on the scale I'm super happy..? And the day I reach my goal, how will I stop losing? Because like I said yes I want to be fucking thin, but I really don't want it to make me sick and have irreversible consequences for my body and my health.

even my doctor doesn't take my weight loss seriously, I myself asked for caloric drinks because I'm terrified, but I had to beg her and tell her that no I don't to wait until my bmi reach 16 for her to give me those drinks.

If in the eyes of a professional everything is fine, then do i really belong to you ? Do i really have any ed ? I feel like yes i do, but i don't do restrictive diet, i don't workout too.. But i am obsessed with the number that goes down every time I weigh myself on the scale, I want to be thinner than ever and reach a weight that I have never reached, to be told that I am beautiful, that I am not I've never been so fine, that when my boyfriend wears me he can do it without difficulty, wear superb outfits and be sure that they won't be spoiled by my physique..

Yea well I know. I'm not there yet and technically I'm not that close to my goal but when I see where I started (79kg) and where I am now (63kg) I tell myself that I have made a lot of progress 😁