introvertaloner

80’s Lunchboxes

check out these cartoon fatties from 1999!

Accurate.

‘waveshaping’

🤷🏻‍♂️

“My stripper name was Tanqueray.  Back in the seventies I was the only black girl making white girl money.  I danced in so many mob clubs that I learned Italian.  Black girls weren’t even allowed in some of these places.  Nothing but guidos with their pinky rings and the one long fingernail they used for cocaine.  I even did a full twenty minutes in the place they filmed Saturday Night Fever.  But I made my real money on the road.  Three grand on some trips.  Every time Fort Dix had their pay day, they’d bring me in as a feature and call me ‘Ms. Black Universe’ or some shit like that.  I had this magic trick where I’d put baby bottle tops on my nipples and squirt real milk, then I’d pull a cherry out of my G-string and feed it to the guy in the front row.  But I never used dildos on stage or any shit like that.  Never fucked the booking agents.  Never fucked the clients.  In fact, one night after a show, I caught another dancer sneaking off to the Tate Hotel with our biggest tipper.  Not allowed.  So the next night we put a little itching powder in her G-string.  Boy did she put on a show that night.  Didn’t see her again until ‘The Longest Yard’ with Burt Reynolds.  So I guess she finally fucked the right one.”

“My mom threw me out of the house at seventeen for getting pregnant, then had me arrested when I tried to get my clothes.  Then she fucked the head of parole to try to keep me in jail.  She was some prime pussy back then.  But the warden did some tests on me and found out I was smart, so I got a scholarship to go anywhere in New York.  I chose the Fashion Institute of Technology, which I hated.  But by that time I was already getting work making costumes for the strippers and porn stars in Times Square.  All my friends were gay people, because they never judged me.  All I did was gay bars: drag queen contests, Crisco Disco, I loved the whole scene.  And I couldn’t get enough of the costumes.  My friend Paris used to sit at the bar and sell stolen clothes from Bergdorf and Lord and Taylors, back before they had sensor tags.  So I had the best wardrobe: mink coats, 5 inch heels, stockings with seams up the back.  I looked like a drag queen, honey.  One night a Hasidic rabbi tried to pick me up because he thought I was a tranny.  I had to tell him: ‘Baby, this is real fish!”