nobody home

everything about being alive right now feels gross

stuck in a cycle of hating my body but still drinking myself to sleep every night, which in turn makes my body look worse and worse

backrooms got me thoroughly mindfucked. I loved it

keep having dreams about backrooms/liminal spaces and I know seeing the movie this weekend is only going to make it worse but I'm also so fascinated to see how much of an impact the movie makes when my brain has already been living in this kind of space for years

a constant cycle of being angry that he doesn't care and being devastated that he doesn't care

my passport got approved woooooo

cleaning out my room & found the notebooks from when I was falling in love with him. reading it all back is painful. I was so completely head over heels for him. but I also let him treat me like I was cheap. I didn't respect myself or consider what I wanted. I just wanted to be loved back. my inability to communicate combined with the fact that I was spiralling into a full on substance abuse problem really wasn't the ideal recipe for a good relationship. but fuck. I really loved him.

made a playlist of every song in every playlist that I've ever saved, with the exception of combing through and pulling out the artists that make my skin crawl now because they were "his" (aka tash, quinn, and the one so awful that I can't even type it out without feeling my insides shake with disgust) and it's so reminiscent of the days of ipods where I would put my entire library on shuffle. it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, like something is right in the world again. pressing play on a soundtrack of life that could go in any direction at any point