into the draft

Draft 1 - Dying Screams (written 2002-2005)

All posts related to Draft 1 in order

List of all Draft 1 posts

Draft 2 - Dying Screams (written 2006)

All posts related to Draft 2 in order

List of all Draft 2 posts

Draft 3 - The Human Spirit (written 2010-2011)

All posts related to Draft 3 in order

List of all Draft 3 posts

Draft 3 - Unnamed Sequel (written 2011)

All posts relating to the unnamed sequel in order

It turns out Jezirah got the servant to summon G-slur. After being so terrified 'all night' that she couldn't sleep.

'But, El,' I hear you say, 'weren't Jezirah and Clemant walking back from G-slur's palace when they saw the scary Gever? Why didn't they just turn back the way they came?'

You know I have no answer for this. I also have no answer for why whenever these characters react to things appropriately, it takes them about fourteen business hours to do so.

And ignoring that, if we charitably assume Jezirah was basically at her own doorstep when she saw the Gever and ran inside with Clemant, terrified, why doesn't Jezirah have a way to sound the alarm?

It makes sense that her house wasn't full of servants when she returned, because canonically Jezirah feels guilty about having servants and doesn't like to be around them. But... she's the leader of a country! Even if she's not acting as the country's leader yet, she's the equivalent of a princess, and this chapter suggests that if she was in danger, she'd have no way to get help. Couldn't I reintroduce those communication crystals from the earlier drafts?

Anyway, I'm very relieved Jezirah is taking what happened seriously, unlike our other protagonists. Unfortunately (and predictably), G-slur doesn't believe her. I'm not sure why G-slur doesn't believe Jezirah, because she knows something weird is going on and this could easily be part of all that, but I digress.

“It could have been one of the servants,” G-slur said. “I told you, no one can...”

If this is leading towards the reveal G-slur has something to do with this, the writing is fine. Good, even. I doubt that's the case, but I can't remember, so we'll find out together.

“Do any of your servants have wings?” [Jezirah said] G-slur frowned. “Are you sure they had wings?”

As a reminder, the 'servants' have their wings stripped of feathers so they can't fly, which... isn't exactly the same as 'not having wings', but never mind. Also, presumably the first thing Jezirah said to G-slur was, 'We saw a mysterious Gever flying into the trees,' so I'm not sure why G-slur thinks they're a servant to begin with.

Jezirah says yes, they did have wings, and asks Clemant to corroborate her story, I guess because Clemant has been alive for six years longer than Jezirah and therefore has seniority.

[Jezirah] had not seen enough of the Gever to even be able to tell their gender, but Clemant could remember her quite clearly. The Gever had been a young woman. She had blonde hair, and her face was covered in light tattoos. She had several piercings. She wore a long, red cloak, which had a hole at the back for her large, pale-brown wings. When Clemant had relayed the information, G-slur did look a little concerned.

No, I have no idea why I didn't do this in dialogue. I also have no idea who this mystery Gever is. Maybe she is something to do with G-slur. Maybe G-slur looks all concerned not because there's a mysterious Gever in the jungle, but because Clemant saw someone doing G-slur's bidding, and remembers her appearance in surprising detail.

Not holding out hope, but that would be cool!

In any case, G-slur finally says she's going to send someone to investigate. And then we get...

I'm going to colour code this to go through it, because Christ.

She wondered if it had anything to do with Layane and Roen. She knew where they were, after all. It was a lot more than they had told Jezirah. But if it was about them, it was a little odd that she hadn’t questioned Jezirah about it first.

I... what?

This took me a lot of fucking reads. Real head-in-hands stuff.

JEZIRAH wonders if THE MYSTERY GEVER is anything to do with Layane and Roen

G-SLUR knows where Layane and Roen are, after all. This is the part that really confused me. I was certain, because of the rules of the English language, that 'she' must either refer to Jezirah or the Mystery Gever, but after around a dozen reads I think it's G-slur. G-slur knows where Layane and Roen are, and this is what prompted Jezirah to wonder if the Mystery Gever had anything to do with them, because... pass

G-SLUR knows a lot more about what LAYANE AND ROEN are doing than Jezirah does. And then we get this, even though Jezirah knows about the plan to find Nicola, and G-slur does not. I guess Jezirah doesn't have any proof G-slur doesn't know about it, but she has no proof she does, either. Also, why would this Mystery Gever be anything to do with Layane and Roen, based on what Jezirah does know? All Jezirah knows is that they need to find Nicola to stop Winchester from coming after Layane (even though he hasn't made one appearance in this book yet). Jezirah doesn't even know that Nicola had been corresponding with a Gever! She knows nothing! ARGH

But if THE MYSTERY GEVER had anything to do with LAYANE AND ROEN, it was odd G-SLUR had not questioned Jezirah about it first. Again, because... reasons? It is odd that G-slur hasn't questioned Jezirah about Layane and Roen's trip, though. Thanks for drawing attention to that

Phew. Okay. Good thing this whole section isn't going to become completely pointless in the next sentence.

[Jezirah] came to the conclusion that it wasn’t.

Yeah, that would have been really weird.

Moving swiftly onwards...

Something important was happening in Geviria, and [Jezirah] knew nothing about it. No one would tell a child anything. Jezirah stood up, and drew herself to her full height – which next to G-slur, was not very tall at all. She needed to know what was going on. She deserved to know what was going on.

Good for you, Jez!

Only recently she had proved that she suited responsibility. She had tended to Roen’s injuries, and had kept Clemant safe. It was proof enough that she was more than capable of fulfilling her leadership duties.

I mean... is it? Tending to wounds and looking after a child? Is that all it takes to run a country?

But before [Jezirah] could ask, G-slur vanished noiselessly; Clemant jumped a little at her hasty exit.

HA. These whacky Gever, always vanishing when it works for the plot.

Jezirah is angry that G-slur vanished, but holds it together for Clemant. She realises how tired she is, as she couldn't sleep while the Gever was out there, which makes me question all over again why Jezirah had no way to sound the alarm sooner.

She and Clemant go to bed on the sofa, as Clemant is too afraid to sleep alone. D'awh.

Jezirah wasn’t quite sure why she woke. Clemant had cuddled up to her, and was snoring gently. She couldn’t hear anyone in the building; not even the servants were there. It was just a random moment to wake. She sat up and looked around. Nothing had changed in the room. She shrugged, closed her eyes, and sank back into the sofa.

Footsteps. She jolted forwards, and looked around. It must have been what woke her. Was it one of the servants? She and Clemant were near one of the building’s two only entrances, the one the servants used.

I can't remember if Jezirah's home only has beaded door curtains in this version or not. I assume not, but that was funny, wasn't it? Ah, memories.

Anyway, someone's inside! Oh no! Let's ignore that Jezirah went from being convinced none of the servants are here to suggesting maybe one is within two lines.

Jezirah leaves Clemant asleep and goes to investigate. Personally I would have taken Clemant with me, but never mind.

It's dark, which means it's night. Or 'night', given we're underground. Is it ever particularly light down here? It does make me question the timeline, though. If Jezirah and Clemant were kept up all 'night', then had a (short) conversation with G-slur about the Gever before quickly going to bed, how is it night again already?

Maybe (charitably) night and day work differently in Geviria? Who knows.

For a while, there was silence. Then she heard the scuffling of feet coming from behind her. They weren’t in the room. When she spun around, it dawned on her that they weren’t even inside the house. But they were close. Long, velvet curtains covered the windows at the side of the room, hiding where the footsteps were coming from. She froze. She didn’t want to see what was on the other side of the barrier of fabric.

Another question: is it still a treehouse? Again, I doubt it, but that's pretty sad. This draft has a lot of issues, but one of the biggest is I've completely stripped this story of its whimsy.

But in good news, I... actually let a scene build tension for once. Jezirah has to psych herself up to approach the window, telling herself she has powers, and it's her responsibility to protect Clemant, so she needs to know what's going on outside.

It was only a few steps away, but it felt like miles. She could still hear the footsteps; the crunching of leaves and the taps on the dry, hard dirt outside came nearer to her, and then further away. It sounded like whoever was out there was pacing around. Maybe, for some reason, they were scared. Jezirah imagined that if they were pacing, they would be. The thought banished some of her worry, and she grabbed the curtain and pulled it back. There was a noise – partially hidden by the whisper of the shuffling fabric – which sounded like the flapping of wings. When she looked outside, there was nothing there. Whoever it was had flown upwards, and out of sight.

Weird! Jezirah realises she could wait around for help, or investigate herself, and shockingly she chooses the latter. Agency? In these novels? What a treat!

This also mirrors the opening of the previous book in quite a fun way. Or rather, it would be fun if the opening of book one made any sense at all.

There was a patter on the walls above her. Someone was on the side of the building. It sounded like they were clinging onto the walls. Suddenly, Jezirah realized that she didn’t want whomever it was to come into her home. And they were probably trying to.

Horrible, thanks!

Jezirah concentrates, and teleports a few metres forwards so she's outside.

The scraping against the wall turned her to her senses. She twisted around and looked towards the wall, to see the dark shape of someone sitting on top of the buildings. Their wings were stretched wide into a huge, bat-like silhouette.

Horrible!

Jezirah can't see enough of the Gever in the dim light to know if they're facing her way, only the creepy outline of their wings. No, I have no idea how to picture Jezirah's home, let's ignore that. I did check book one, but there's no real description of it, except 'grand' and 'smaller than G-slur's palace'. I'm assuming it's a relatively large, palatial complex of buildings, sadly very much on the ground.

Jezirah calls out to the Gever, then regrets it, thinking they'll just fly away.

But then the Gever turned. She must have been facing away. Jezirah backed away as she started to crawl to the edge of the roof. She was moving slowly and stiffly; it didn’t look like she was in pain, more as if she was purposefully trying to be intimidating.

Can't stress enough that I wasted maybe 20,000 words on flashbacks, Layane and Roen doing nothing, and Jezirah contemplating boardgames before stuff like this actually started happening.

It happened very fast.

Some things never change.

One second, the Gever had been slowly moving towards the edge of the roof. The next, she had fallen from the roof, and landed in front of Jezirah. Her whole body tensed up. If the Gever attacked her, she would be useless. She was sure she would be useless. Her best bet would be to jump out of sight.

(Nelson voice) Ha, ha. Jezirah's forgotten she's got powers.

Getting a lot of mileage out of the Simpsons in this one, aren't I?

But... thinking about it, what are Jezirah's powers? As far as I can remember, she can heal people (however it's unclear to what extent this works, seeing as she didn't magic-heal Roen at the end of book one) and can sometimes teleport. I'm not sure if she can consistently teleport and arrive at the location she expects, but she's managed to every time the plot needs it.

“Who are you?” Jezirah said, her fear turning her words into a whisper. The Gever blinked at her. She looked a little confused, as if she didn’t register a word Jezirah was saying. She was obviously pretending. No Gever from nearby wouldn’t understand her. Her language – named Gevirian after the country – was the most commonly spoken.

I love how whenever the Gevirian language comes up in Jezirah's chapters, it's explained like Jezirah wasn't born here and learnt about the country from Wikipedia. Which is... basically what that magic did to her, I guess.

And I'm calling it. This Gever comes from another underground civilisation completely separate to Geviria. It's probably called Yanzi, after... you know.

...

I opened this document to take a screenshot which included the word 'Yanzi' as a bit and ROAN is mentioned. This document was written pre-draft two! He was introduced in the 2006 draft and this was written in 2005! Is draft two actually draft three? Is what I'm currently reading draft four?

Layane did have a mysterious, nameless boyfriend who went off to war at the end of Dying Screams draft one. I never thought about this before, but that's Roan, right? Weird that he didn't have a name in draft one, but maybe I intended to reinclude him in the plot later? That's some pretty intense forward-thinking for a ten-year-old. Or maybe I planned to go back and re-write it with him included, presumably in a slightly different way to his introduction in draft two?

I'm getting side-tracked, and I'm pretty sure if there was another version of this, it has actually been lost to the Limewire Incident. Just know the reason I scrolled down to screenshot page 6 wasn't because of this Roan revelation, but because this is the first page with any writing on it.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure the reason I didn't come across this when I was writing the draft one sequels post is that I opened it, took a glance, and thought it was empty. There was also a document titled 'ruuby of yanziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii' with no words at all, so clearly I did like to save completely empty documents as a kid.

Back to Jezirah approaching a strange Gever who, for some reason, doesn't seem to know what might be the only language of the only country she could have come from.

She wanted to run when she realized Esconios had its own [language], too.

See, this is the reason it makes no goddamn sense for G-slur to not investigate sooner*. There's a big part of the country that want to rise up against its leaders! Surely sweet, innocent Jezirah would be the first on their hit-list?

* Unless she's involved...

“You must leave me alone, girl,” said the Gever. She spoke in plain English, but with a thick accent that Jezirah couldn’t place. She hoped – prayed – that she would find out. That the light would flash in front of her eyes, and she would know everything there was to know about this woman.

Yep, this woman is definitely from Yanzi. Or whatever I called it in this draft.

I do like Jezirah desperately hoping that her LLM information-gaining powers work in this moment. That's both horrible and endearing. However, it is annoying that they seem to only work when it's convenient to the plot. The only time they've activated in these books before now is when she suddenly realised Roen is an alcoholic, which, frankly, she could have worked out without them.

“Where did you come from?” [Jezirah asked] The Gever laughed. She walked back up to Jezirah, and looked down at her. “You would not believe me if I told you,” she said. “Now, if you leave me alone, you will be fine.”

Yep, Yanzi. I'm nothing if not predictable.

Jezirah asks why the stranger is here, and the stranger gives similarly helpful answers. Then we get this:

She started to walk away. Jezirah watched her, concentrating hard. Tell me who she is, she thought, please, tell me who she is... It was an automatic reaction to not understanding something. Unfortunately it hadn’t helped her in a long time. For ‘years’, she imagined. But it was hard to know what ‘years’ were in Geviria.

Ah, I must have retconned the scene where she works out Roen is an alcoholic via magic. Good call, past me.

“Who are you?” [Jezirah] yelled. “My name is Seen.” She didn’t turn. “And I suggest you leave me be.”

Seen? Okay, it's not the most ridiculous thing I've ever named a character.

[Seen] vanished. Wisps of smoke replaced her where she stood.             No Gever could do that other than The Four.

Dun dun duuuuun.

Okay, so Seen is from Yanzi, a civilisation that developed alongside Geviria and has the same magical/political structure, i.e. occasionally a magic baby is born and is made leader. Seeing as Crega is presumably involved in this and he called Shafinah a traitor, that does make sense. Maybe Shafinah was double-agenting between the two countries and has only recently been found out.

And Jezirah could only [teleport] within a few hundred yards. She could only move to places she could see. Unless – well, she wasn’t sure. She had moved further a few times. She didn’t know why. It seemed random. Usually, it put her in more trouble than she had been in before.

Christ, even the author realises how inconsistent Jezirah's powers are.

Jezirah rushes inside, terrified she'll find Seen harming Clemant. Instead, she finds Clemant asleep. Jezirah wakes Clemant and says they have to go get help.

This chapter, up until this point, has been remarkably well paced. I then ruin it by having a pointless back and forth where Clemant keeps asking why they're leaving, and Jezirah doesn't really answer. Then Clemant comes out with this banger:

“I saw her through the window.” [Clemant] pointed across the room at the only window that was partially visible behind its drapes. Jezirah glanced outside. The gap was small; it was difficult to see anything through it. She could just about make out a tree outside. “What?” she said. “The Gever. She was out there, looking at us.” Jezirah froze. She didn’t bother asking Clemant when this had happened; knowing it had happened was enough to make her want to flee. Or board up her home and stay put.

This is all nice and creepy, but what's the point? We already know Seen is a threat. She was sitting on Jezirah's roof like a gargoyle and literally threatened her. We don't need Clemant having seen (no pun intended) her to know Seen is dangerous.

Somehow, G-slur’s home seemed safer, but they would have to walk fast.

Yesterday (if we can call it yesterday): yes, we've seen a creepy Gever hanging out in the jungle where no Gever are supposed to be. Let's wait all night before raising the alarm, we wouldn't want to leave the sanctity of home, would we?

Now: ah well we'll just walk fast

The thing I love most about this novel is the consistency.

They set off, and quickly arrive at the palace grounds, reminding readers there was no reason they couldn't have done this yesterday. There's a long section where Jezirah contemplates the invisible magical protection around G-slur's palace. I think I did this to remind readers that although these buildings have no actual guards, they are protected, but all it does is make me wonder why Jezirah's home is not.

When Jezirah reaches G-slur's palace, she runs into a servant.

“Where is G-slur?” [Jezirah asked] “On the Upper World. She will be back later.”              She needed to ignore the worry that G-slur was after Layane and Roen. For now, all she had to worry about was the stranger. “Please send someone to look in the jungle,” she said. “There’s someone in there, and she followed me.”

So when you're in danger, you seek the help of G-slur, because she'll be able to stop the bad guys, but also G-slur might be out hunting down your besties? Make it make sense, please.

Also... is this all you're going to tell the servant? No mention of the Gever's appearance? That it's the same woman Clemant saw yesterday? That she TELEPORTED? Is that not pertinent information?

I've realised I've not brought up the timestamps in a while. For your reference:

10th November: Layane and Roen fly out to the states. It's also the date that random Jezirah chapter in which nothing happens is set

12th November: Layane and Roen try to find Nicola, Layane gets Venomed, Roen gets attacked, all that jazz. It is unclear what they were doing on 11th November, possibly getting over the jetlag?

13th November: Layane and Roen's terrible kiss happens in the early hours

Not only are we cutting away from the main plotline now things are finally happening, but we're going back in time to do it.

Wonderful.

[Jezirah] and Clemant had begun to wander regularly into the jungle. They didn’t have a lot of entertainment; the jungle won over board games every time. They did not keep to the thin, Their walk had become so repetitive, that they noticed at once when something had changed.

Times like this remind me that most of book one of this saga made the editing stage. This did not.

Also, no, I don't understand why the previous chapter was about the pair of them being stuck indoors, when this is set only (charitably) 24 hours in the future and now they're leaving 'regularly'. I can only assume I mean 'once an hour', and/or forgot the previous chapter was set the day before.

“Someone made a fire,” Clemant had said. In a small clearing, was a patch of burnt ground. A layer of black ash covered it. It had surely not been there before. Jezirah crouched down next to it, and Clemant watched, interested. “Has someone been camping here?” she asked.

I don't know why I worded it 'Clemant had said'. The beginning of the chapter does that thing I always do where I hop around from the moment that's actually relevant, to the past, and then back again, so I probably just got muddled.

At least something is happening in the Jezirah plotline this time!

Jezirah is confused. No one comes into these parts of the woods, other than servants, who never leave the path. I assume the weird, 'They did not keep to the thin,' half-sentence was meant to be about the path, but I got bored halfway through writing it.

“I don’t know why anyone would camp here,” Jezirah said. She tried to remember seeing anyone passing through, or hearing G-slur mention anyone. “Did Layane come back?” Clemant sat next to the pile of ash, and patted the dust with her small fingers.

I choose to read this as Clemant thinking Roen is camping in a bush somewhere nearby, watching Layane. I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to read this, seeing as canonically Jezirah's home isn't far from the entrance to Geviria that Layane and Roen would have passed through.

Jezirah stood up, and helped Clemant to her feet. “No,” she said. “When they come back they’ll come to see us straightaway.” Clemant nodded, but didn’t say anything. She stared upwards at the treetops. “Come on,” Jezirah said. “We have to go back now.” “Why?” Jezirah took her hand, and led her away from the ash. “I have to see G-slur,” she said, “to ask her about the... camper.”

At least Jezirah is reacting to things. Although, will G-slur be happy about you and Clee wandering around the jungle? That earlier chapter did mention Layane was the one against it, not G-slur, but surely she's only against it because they could get in trouble with G-slur? I don't know.

(Scrolls down)

Okay, Jezirah is reacting to things, but we're going to immediately launch into another 2006-era flashback. As a reminder, this is the year Jezirah was aged into an adult via magic.

The flashback picks off immediately after the previous one. If you don't remember (which would be unsurprising seeing as it was seven chapters ago), we saw Jezirah right after she was aged up, her knowledge of the world exploding into her mind. G-slur is there to support her. It's actually quite a well-written scene, and pretty horrible, as the magic went slightly wrong and Jezirah is in pain. Unfortunately it's had no relevance to the rest of the book so far, but there's still time!

Jezirah was wearing a clean, white tunic. A couple of Gever had dressed the infected skin on her back with bandages. She remained silent throughout, unsure of what to say. Every time a question – or a confusion – entered her mind, an answer wasn’t far behind. There would be a flash of light, and she would be a little light-headed for a moment. And then she would just... know. It felt surreal. She seemed to know everything. Everything that she needed to know. Everything she came across, she knew about.

In the age of LLMs this has a whole new, horrid texture to it.

And no, given that the previous Jezirah chapter was very short, I'm not sure why I didn't wrap it up into this one.

Maybe I thought readers would be annoyed if the first Jezirah chapter came right after Roen kissed Layane. Too bad I didn't realise having a random, pointless chapter early on, followed by this right after the plot starts moving, is just as irritating, if not more so.

G-slur seemed annoyed by [Jezirah], but she couldn’t tell why. It might have been because of what happened to her parents, although Jezirah didn’t know how she could blame her. Her mind had told her about their deaths soon after she was about to ask the servants what happened. That time, it had been slightly different. When the information lodged its way into her head, the servants near her seized up a little. They clutched their foreheads, as if they had sudden headaches at the same time. And when the flash of light appeared, it surrounded them a second before it returned to its usual place around Jezirah’s head.             Whatever had happened told her what happened to her parents. Her mother – her namesake – had died shortly after giving birth to her. No one knew exactly why, but healers thought it had something to do with the fact that her mother didn’t know she was pregnant before she gave birth to her.

Happened happened happened...

This is interesting. Jezirah is draining knowledge from others, and it sounds like G-slur might have done something to the servants to hide what really happened.

Let's ignore that for a moment, though. Jezirah's mother didn't know she was pregnant? And she died right after giving birth?

Huh, you know, I got it into my head that Roen knew Jezirah as a baby before this happened, but this isn't explicitly confirmed or denied in book one. All we know is that Roen caught G-slur and Anakah (Jezirah's father) having an affair, Roen was shipped off to be a Protector, and on the day he returned (an undetermined length of time later) to Geviria, Roen found Anakah's mutilated body.

Is... Jezirah even Jezirah Snr's child? Could she be G-slur's child?

It would make sense that Jezirah doesn't have proper Leader of Plants powers, if she wasn't biologically Jezirah Snr's daughter, but...

No. I don't think that's the case. There has to be some proof that Jezirah Snr died giving birth, or none of this makes sense (not that it needs to). I don't think Jezirah is G-slur's kid. But that means...

...

Maybe I'm overthinking this, but... did G-slur kill pregnant Jezirah Snr and steal the baby? And then name the baby after her dead romantic rival?

Anyway.

As far as Jezirah Jnr knows, her mother died in childbirth, and her father killed himself. A few days later, she sees a servant and magically knows he's in his position because he killed a man. And yes, I know 'servant' is definitely not the right word here. I apparently didn't at the time.

“I killed the Gever who killed my son,” [the servant] said quietly. Jezirah didn’t respond. She didn’t know how to. It was the first thing that her mind had neglected to tell her.

I love how clear it is that I wanted to make these chapters as bleak as possible (which is the strongest proof that G-slur did do something heinous to Jezirah's mother...).

The servant leads Jezirah to G-slur's Main Halls.

The ceiling of the corridor was so high that it vanished into darkness. The servant stopped outside a colossal archway at the side. Jezirah gasped. Behind the arch – which she couldn’t quite see the top of – were several storeys. Each level had no doorway, but carved into the archway were a bizarre mesh of stairs and ladders, leading to each. She could see into most of the levels. They all had stone floors, but otherwise the levels – each a vast room – were extravagantly furnished with floral wallpaper, fine wooden furniture and silk drapes.

I'm picturing a dollhouse. Anyone else picturing a dollhouse? Real image of me placing these characters in situations:

Jezirah (who has no wings) climbs the ladders up to G-slur.

This would have been a really good (by which I mean horrible) opportunity to show that Jezirah is disabled by Gever standards, if there weren't ladders/stairs because all Gever can fly. However, I always seem to forget they can fly, so I'm not surprised I didn't realise not being able to might impact Jezirah's life someway or another.

When [Jezirah] reached the third level, Gever surrounded her. They all looked down on her, scrutinizing her. For a while, there was silence. Then one of them – a female – spoke.

Apparently I am not immune to the phrase 'a female'.

“Why exactly did you do this, G-slur?” [the female Gever] asked. G-slur was standing a little way behind them, watching what was going on with a slight frown. “Geviria needs an adult Four,” she said.

This is a comment that won't make sense to anyone unless I ever publish my current WIP, but I find it extremely funny that five years after I wrote this I came up with an unrelated fantasy thing known as The Four, which remains in that WIP to this day. It's a very different Four to this lot I'll tell you that much.

The other Gever argue with G-slur about this. Jezirah waits for those flashes of information to tell her who they are, but they don't come.

“[Jezirah's LLM power]... it’s wearing off,” said G-slur. “But it is not gone. It could pick up.” “That’s never happened before,” another Gever said. He was old and frail; patches of feathers were missing from his wings, and he walked with a cane. “I remember before it... this... was made illegal. It has never worn off this quickly before.”

I mean... it still hasn't worn off. Jezirah had those random flashes of information during the events of book one. Another retcon, it seems.

He stepped closer to [Jezirah]. “When you were Aged,” he said, “something went wrong. You are supposed to be absorbing knowledge from everything and everyone around you. But it has slowed down already.” Jezirah hadn’t realized the flashes of lights had slowed, but when she thought back, she realized they had. After she woke, they had been occasional. But within a short space of time, they had abruptly started coming every time she tried to move. If they were keep coming in that way for and long time, she was glad it didn’t work. They had slowed down, by a lot. “Good,” she said. “I didn’t like it.”

Jesus Christ what a terrible sentence.

Ignoring... that, I love her. You're right, Jezirah! No one needs that much information that quickly!

She smiles at the large group of Gever, but they do not seem happy. I'm not sure who this group is, actually. Are Shafinah and... wait, who is the other leader in this one?

(Checks notes.)

No idea. I assume there's a Leader of Fire who we haven't met yet, because I can't imagine 'Weather' making the cut.

It doesn't matter. I don't know who these people are. I guess the Gevirian government?

Oh, god. I'm still terrible at creating political structures in fantasy. I don't even want to know what I concocted for this.

The Gever, whoever they are, decide they don't want to have this conversation in front of the magically aged-up child whose parents just died horribly, so a servant leads Jezirah into an empty room to wait. If this place is set up like a dollhouse, I guess she'd be able to hear everything that's being said?

The room was dark. It was identical to the other; she could just about hear voices from the other level. The distance in between the levels muffled them, and she couldn’t quite make out what the speakers were saying. That was until it escalated into a shouted argument. It worried her. The idea that they were arguing about her was a scary one. Had she done something wrong? What would they do if she had?

Is it a dollhouse? I guess it would have to be a very large one for this to be the case.

Poor Jezirah is left alone with her too-many thoughts for someone who is presumably only one day old.

The first voice she heard was G-slur’s. She couldn’t pick up everything she said, but it was something to do with Geviria and its adult leaders. And how Jezirah needed to be an adult to rule. She didn’t know if she was an adult or not. She assumed she was. The other Gever were adults, and she looked the same age to them. But she couldn’t remember not being the way she was; how could she be an adult without being young first? She knew that was how Gever usually were. Maybe she had been young once, but she couldn’t remember it.

This is really, really sad. I don't understand why this isn't the whole book, which... is a realisation I did have at some point in the years following, but I got bored when I tried to write it. Oops.

However, as sad as it is, it's still going to be very annoying when this has very little impact on the wider plot, and possibly no relevance at all to the chapter this flashback is nestled inside.

There was silence for a short while. She lingered by the edge of the level, and craned her neck upwards to try to see the Gever.

It IS a dollhouse!

In a second, G-slur landed softly on the floor of her level. “I’m going to take you home,” she said. “And you will remain there. Do you understand?” She nodded. She hadn’t been ‘home’ yet. She wondered what her home was like.

How is this chapter somehow better written than most of the rest of this book? And yes, I do remember the sentence I forgot I was writing in the middle of it, and that absolute disaster a few paragraphs ago!

The flashback ends, and we're back in 2010. Jezirah arrives at the Main Halls/Dollhouse to ask G-slur about the campfire. She comments that she rarely goes there, because she's not an adult leader yet, and the Main Halls are for serious business only.

She brings Clemant along, because why not.

“Why do we need to know about the fire?” said Clemant. “Because I don’t know who came through.” Jezirah assumed that Clemant did not find it suspicious. She wouldn’t; she didn’t understand why only they were allowed into the jungle. Jezirah thought telling her that The Circle was for protection against enemies would scare her.

So... the jungle is meant to be completely safe? Why wouldn't they be allowed to explore it, then? Did we really need a whole chapter whose purpose was to tell us they aren't allowed to leave?

As they enter the Main Halls, Jezirah hears G-slur's voice. That makes sense, seeing as apparently this important political building has no walls.

“Yes, I know I’ll have to go over there,” came G-slur’s voice. “It still doesn’t explain what’s going on.” “She’s in there,” said Jezirah. When she looked down at Clemant, she looked confused. It took her a second to realize it was because the Gever weren’t speaking English. Jezirah had never had an issue switching between them, ever since both came into her mind. Having not learnt them a normal way, she sometimes found it hard to distinguish between them.

This implies Jezirah grew up speaking English and Gevirian equally, which makes no sense whatsoever. Until Layane and Clemant came along, there would be no reason for her to speak English (if you remember, Geviria is geographically closer to Spain), so if her LLM powers stopped years ago, it's incredibly unlikely she'd know a single word.

I love how in every version of this story, the more we learn about the world, the less sense it makes.

But ignoring all that, I think what Jezirah describes is pretty normal for people who are fluent in multiple languages and learnt them 'the usual way', so even that part of that paragraph is ridiculous.

Jezirah could see G-slur on the fourth level from the base of the hall. Every level had a crowd of Gever around the tables, but many of them were silent. They seemed to be listening to G-slur.

Ah. Jezirah is about to interrupt parliament for this. This'll go down well. G-slur continues talking in a coded way about the dead Gever, as though we don't know exactly what she's talking about. The fact she's sharing this information with a massive room of people does make it slightly weird that Shafinah can't just find out more without going to the secret laboratory herself (or rather, via Layane), but never mind.

Jezirah walks up to the table and clears her throat. Predictably, G-slur is annoyed.

“What is it, Jezirah?” [G-slur] said. “Has anyone been through the jungle recently?” The other Gever turned as she spoke. The confusion – and even alarm – on their faces gave her the answer before G-slur could. “What do you mean?” she said. “Have you sent any of the Protectors through? Or the Boatmen?” “No. Why?” She bit her lip, worried that she would make her angry. “There was a fire in there that someone made,” she said. “And it wasn’t me.”

I mean, those guesses are ridiculous. Why would any of those people be camping in the jungle? Clearly someone is living out there, or staking out the leaders' homes.

I guess I should just be happy Jezirah reacted to the discovery at all. It is very funny that she's reacting more seriously to finding a sign someone was in the jungle, which could be nothing, than Layane did after Roen told her he'd run into a gunman who'd been following them.

“Did you actually see the fire, or...?” “Well, no, just the ash.” G-slur laughed. At first Jezirah thought it was to mock her, but she quickly added, “Well, it might have been Layane and Roenakah when they went off on their little holiday.” Jezirah froze; she knew where Layane and Roen were. Not even she knew where they were. Her confusion must have shown. “Yes, I had them followed,” said G-slur. “Just until they stopped. They’re in America.”

...

I repeat: JEZIRAH'S HOME IS NOT FAR FROM THE ENTRANCE TO GEVIRIA. I know this because it's near G-slur's home, and in book one, Layane and Roen walked there after reaching Geviria. There would be no need for them to pause to set a fire anywhere, unless Roen found his old habits hard to break.

But ignoring that: JUST UNTIL THEY STOPPED? Is that why G-slur doesn't know Roen and Layane are searching for Nicola? Because she had someone follow them all the way to America and then just... STOP when Layane and Roen checked into the hotel?

Gotta hand it to past me, that's hilarious. Good work.

Jezirah blanched. Were they in trouble? She had no way of knowing.

It took me a moment to realise she meant, 'because Layane and Roen are doing something G-slur would be angry about' not 'because Layane and Roen are in danger from evil G-slur'.

Everyone does kind of act like they already know G-slur is evil, though. It's very funny. Plot-induced clairvoyancy at it again?

Jezirah tells G-slur the ash appeared after Layane and Roen left, so it couldn't have been them. G-slur says fine, she will ask the servants if they've seen anything.

Not... send guards to investigate? No one's meant to be coming through! This is the equivalent to someone scoping out the White House from its grounds! I guess G-slur doesn't believe Jezirah, or certainly doesn't believe there's anything to worry about. It is getting silly how many times I have to rationalise characters' actions by thinking, ah, 'I guess they don't believe them,' when the narrative suggests they do.

Jezirah and Clemant leave the Gever parliament to head home. Presumably the Gever politicians or whoever that was were just... watching this happen in silence?

“Did you find out about the fire?” [Clemant asked, as the previous conversation had been in Gevirian] “No,” she said. “But it... I don’t know. Maybe it is nothing.”             The walk back to her home was slightly faster. She felt a little stupid for worrying about someone being in the jungle, but she couldn’t shake the feeling. No one can enter, apart from the Protectors and other workers, she told herself, and no one apart from the servants could come in from the other way.

I assume by 'enter' she means 'enter Geviria via the tunnel', and 'the other way' means entering The Circle (the big wall around the jungle and G-slur and Jezirah's homes*), but man what a confusing sentence.

* I don't know if the other two leaders' homes are somewhere in here as well. Maybe?

But she felt strange in the jungle. As if someone was watching her. She kept trying to convince herself that G-slur’s lack of interest that caused this, but she couldn’t. When she neared her home, she sped up. She didn’t know exactly why; maybe it was fear.

Maybe it was plot-induced clairvoyancy.

Then, Jezirah felt [Clemant's] fingers close tightly around her arm. [Clemant] stopped, and tugged Jezirah backwards mid-stride. Jezirah put a hand on Clemant’s shoulder. “What?” she said. Clemant’s eyes were wide, and her expression was that of interest rather than the shock that Jezirah assumed from her halt. She was staring deep into the jungle; she didn’t audibly respond. Jezirah followed her gaze, and saw a large pair of wings disappear into the trees, as the Gever who had been watching them fled upwards.

Okay! Things are happening! We've had ten chapters and things have only started happening within the last four but... we're getting somewhere!

A mysterious Gever is watching Jezirah! This, I suspect, will have something to do with Crega and/or the dead body. Jury's still out on whether it has anything to do with Winchester and the gang.

Layane appeared in the hotel room alone. Shafinah had vanished – apparently satisfied with what she had found – and Roen was gone. She was still covered in the black paint, so she had a shower to try to get it off.

Well done to those who saw exactly where this is going.

I'm not going to lie. This is going to be a frustrating chapter to read through. My writing has improved in many ways since draft two, but I seem to have forgotten that characters would probably, uh, react to things. This gets incredibly silly in this particular chapter.

We'll have fun, though, right? Maybe?

Luckily, after being under the running water for what felt like hours, the horrible stuff ran off her. It slipped into the plughole, and she hoped it wouldn’t block the drain.

I can only assume the water in El Paso has been irreparably tainted by Gever magic.

When Layane has finished showering, Roen still isn't back. Does she worry whoever was tracking them has caught him? Does she try to contact him on that phone he bought in chapter one? Does she do anything to help her situation?

Of course not, she watches television to see if the dead Gever made the news, because that makes sense. Once she's established it hasn't, she continues watching random soap operas, making no attempt to find or contact Roen, or anyone else, at all.

After a couple of hours (!), Roen returns.

Okay, Layane! Time to tell him about the dead Gever and the fact you're being followed!

Except... no it isn't.

When he did return, she wished he hadn’t. He stumbled into the room, and ignored her for the money that they left in a drawer. He didn’t say anything. No explanation, nothing. Maybe he didn’t realize she was there.

Yeah. It would make sense for Layane to be stunned into non-reaction for a few seconds, because as far as she knows, Roen has been sober for weeks. That's not what this feels like, though. It feels like the author has completely forgotten everything that happened to Layane two chapters ago.

As Roen is about to leave, the author finally has Layane react.

“What the hell have you been doing?” she shouted. She ran in front of him – an easy feat, he seemed to hardly be able to control his steps – and held onto the door handle. “Please let me out,” he slurred. “Not until you tell me why you started this again!”

Okay. I'll take each of you idiots in turn.

Layane, sweetheart: you have just discovered that someone out there could be hurting Gever. That G-slur is tracking you. That you might be in danger. Is that really less important than Roen's drinking right now? Yes, I get you're angry, but he's back now, you need to talk about this!

And Roen, my beloved sweet Roen: YOU have just been attacked by an armed Gever whose identity you still don't really know, been harassed by G-slur, and told about the body of a young Gever being found dead. You are standing in front of the woman you love, who presumably you don't want anything bad to happen to, are you really not going to tell her ANY of this before leaving?

He leant against the wall for support. “It’s been a... strange day.” “What happened?” said Layane.

Oh thank god. Although, now would be the time to tell Roen, 'By the way, G-slur knows where we are'. This whole situation is a missed opportunity to have both of them see each other and launch into panicked, overlapping monologues about what happened over the last few hours, before realising they both have basically the same intel.

“Someone’s... someone’s following us,” said Roen. “And he shot someone, and he might still be following us because G-slur didn’t believe me...”

Is that really the best you can do? And you were honestly going to grab the cash and go without telling Layane any of this? While you think someone is out to get you? Do you want her to get murdered?

“What?” [Layane said.] He spoke so fast that it took a while to sink in. It didn’t make sense to her at all; when had Roen seen G-slur? And how had someone managed to follow them? “Who’s following us?” she asked.

I'm going to need a long lie down after this one.

Shafinah told Layane someone was following them 5,000 words ago. Specifically she said, She's tracking you, by the way, with 'she' a clear reference to G-slur. This happened 5,000 words ago on the page, and maybe four hours ago in canon. And Layane has completely forgotten.

Or rather the author has.

For all intents and purposes, let's draw a line in the sand and pretend Shafinah didn't say that to Layane, because it may be something I was planning to retcon during the rewrite. But even if Shafinah didn't say anything, it's still ridiculous that Layane didn't try to contact Roen or worry about where he was when she found the hotel room empty, while knowing full well another Gever just died under mysterious circumstances.

“A Gever. He said his name was Crega. Crega. He shot a human because... the human saw him!”

Oh shit! A dangerous Gever is after them! Layane had no idea this was going on! What's she gonna do?

Layane didn’t know whether to be angry with him, or comfort him. “Look – just talk to me about this when you’re sober, okay?” she said, and left him lying on the side of the bed to get him a glass of water.

...

See what I mean? This whole chapter is a masterpiece of characters either not reacting at all, or not reacting proportionally.

If I wanted to be charitable, I'd assume Layane doesn't believe him, and maybe thinks Roen was mugged by someone he drunkenly thought was a Gever. This is a very charitable assumption considering the author may have only taken 5,000 words to forget Layane knew they're being followed.

Suddenly, Roen stands up and leaves. Layane briefly tries to stop him but gives up, and is... relieved to be left alone.

(Clenches jaw) I said I was going to stop making comments about the fact she knows they're in danger and is choosing to do nothing about it, and I am going to stop. The author clearly retconned. She didn't forget, she just retconned. And Layane just... didn't believe Roen when he suggested they were in danger before leaving.

Okay.

By the way, it's 4pm when this is happening, around an hour after Roen met G-slur. We then timeskip to 2am.

No guesses where this might be going.

Layane is (somehow) asleep when Roen returns. He wakes her up when he opens the door, but she pretends to stay asleep, because she doesn't want to talk to him. Even though she knows theY'RE IN DANGE–

Okay. I'm stopping. I am not doing that any more.

Layane pretends to be asleep. Roen says her name, and then again. Layane continues to pretend to be asleep. It gets a bit harder to pretend when he sits on her bed.

“Layane?” he whispered. She resisted the temptation to kick him off the bed; doing so would only let him know she was awake. Then, she felt his arm drop heavily onto her shoulder. She had to stop herself from groaning when he started to shake her.

Finally, Layane is forced to admit she isn't asleep. She asks Roen what he wants, and all he says is, 'I'm sorry.' Layane tells him she'll speak to him in the morning after he's slept it off, having forgotten the danger, the plot, or how to react to things, just like the author.

Then we get this:

“G-slur’s evil.” He looked at her, his eyes wide. They followed her as he swayed slightly, trying to stay balanced.

Finally. Although... hasn't she known this for a while?

Roen told Layane that G-slur has done fucked up things. I can't remember the full extent of it, but at the very least she knows that G-slur left Clemant to die as a weird punishment for Roen, believing he'd be unable to save her.

Also... the narrative has been bashing us over the head with how evil G-slur is ever since she was first introduced.

I was planning to completely rewrite book one while I was writing this, according to the notes I found. Maybe this is yet another retcon? I'd rewrite book one, and amend all the parts where G-slur was obviously evil, at least from Layane's perspective? Who knows.

“Okay, why is G-slur evil?” she said with a sigh.

For all the reasons he's told you previously, pre-presumed retcon.

When he spoke, he did so rapidly that Layane struggled to pick up every word. “She wa’ having... an affair with Anakah, she kille’ him. And now someone with a gun is followin’ us ‘cause she told... got him to! We might... die!” “You... what? Someone’s after us?” If the other information was meant to shock her, it didn’t have the effect Roen wanted.

What was the point of the first... (checks) 800 words of this chapter? Even if we charitably assume I retconned the Shafinah chapter, this has already been brought up! Roen mentioned it when he first burst into the room! I desperately want to know the reason I didn't do this all the first time Roen drunkenly returned.

Nah. We have to have Roen turn up drunk twice, and reveal they're being followed by someone dangerous twice*, for MAXIMUM DRAMA. That's how that works, right?

* In this chapter anyway...

He nodded. “I thinks... she wants to kill me.” “Roen, calm down,” she said, and she put her hand on his shoulder. He looked down at the hand, and fixed his gaze on it. She hoped it was a comforting gesture.

This follows directly after the previous bit. Layane went from panicking she might be in danger to tenderly placing a hand on the shoulder of the drunk man who she's in a fight with in about two seconds.

Look, past El, I get it. I really do. You had a specific idea for part of this chapter and had to build the rest of the scene around it. Writing is hard, and all. However I cannot believe this is the best you can do.

Just to recap, during this conversation, Layane has learnt:

There is a gunman after them (technically she has learnt this twice) (and the fact they're being followed three times)

G-slur killed Jezirah's father (and probably her mother too, right? They died very close together?) (a couple who were very close to Layane's own parents) (and who may have tipped Layane's parents off when G-slur was after them)

G-slur wants to murder Roen (and didn't mind if Layane and Clemant died in the last book) (and knows where they are)

Surely she's going to react to this?

“Do you... do you believe me?” he asked. “She kille’ Anakah... I found his body...” He looked over to her with a vacant gaze. His head was flopping downwards; he probably couldn’t control it. “Yes,” she said. “Of course I believe you.” She was growing impatient. She didn’t want to talk to him in this state; it made her feel uncomfortable. “Roen, you can talk to me about this in the morning. I really think you have to sleep this off...”

I mean, 'feeling vaguely uncomfortable' is a reaction, I guess.

Layane straight-up ignores everything Roen just said. I wish I could tell you that this is because she doesn't believe him, or because she has decided she trusts G-slur more than Roen, or fucking anything else, but nothing about her reaction indicates any of these options. She just doesn't care, because the obvious danger they're in isn't the point of the chapter.

Roen then says he doesn't want to go back to Geviria.

He paused, and his face lit up. “Can I stay with you? When this... this is over?” No, was her initial thought, but she held the word back. Upsetting him would probably prolong the conversation. “I did have a life before I met you, you know that right?” she said, unable to fully hide the anger in her voice.              “I know. I was there.”

PFFT. Okay, that's hilarious. Both that Layane thought she had a life (she did not), and Roen choosing this moment to remind Layane he used to stalk her.

~ Literature ~

“There? Stalking me for five years does not mean you were ‘there’!” She hated being reminded of that. She could feel herself losing her temper, and feeling the familiar disgust that she felt at Roen’s Protector duties.

Just to confirm, you don't care about the evil, powerful woman who may want you dead? Or the Gever with guns following you around? Or the mysterious dead Gever th–

Oh, fuck me. Roen hasn't brought up the dead Gever, so Layane doesn't know he knows about that, and doesn't try to tell him. She also, much more pressingly, knows that for some reason, Shafinah and G-slur are hiding things from each other. Does she remember this? Have any thoughts about it? No.

And I've also just realised that from Roen's perspective, Shafinah appeared, whisked Layane away, and within minutes a creepy gunman appeared, searching for Shafinah. Do you wanna maybe bring THAT up?

Every time I think I've covered everything off here, I remember something else these two aren't communicating even though both of their lives are at risk.

That doesn't matter! Dredging up old arguments is much more important than anything else. Layane doesn't care about the fact a gunman might be stalking them to the hotel, because why would she?

Honestly, it would serve her right if that's where this novel was going.

In Layane's (weak) defence, Roen doesn't really indicate there's any urgency. He's just rambling. He shuffles to his bed but keeps repeating that he hates G-slur. Y'know, past me: with how drunk and rambling he's being, AND with the total lack of urgency, would it have killed you to throw in a 'Layane didn't believe him, clearly he was making excuses for being drunk'? Just once? For me? I might have bought it!

Instead of getting into bed, Roen returns to Layane's bed and sits on the side again.

“Layane?” She sighed angrily at his apparent refusal to get off her bed. “What?” she said, her voice verging on a shout. “I love you.”

Oh here we fucking go.

When the effect of what he said sunk in, she flinched. She opened her mouth to say something, but she didn’t know what, and she froze. They barely knew each other. She had been under the impression that he was just putting up with her because of his job. Initially, she wanted to shout at him. Or slap him. It was nothing short of disgusting if he actually had feelings for her. She felt sickened when the idea that he may have ‘loved’ her when he was stalking her entered her mind. He was staring at her with glassy eyes. His lips were curved into a smile, but his emotion hidden by just how... out of it he looked. And it dawned upon her that there wasn’t a problem. He was incredibly drunk. Really, really, incredibly drunk. He had probably said that to everyone in the bar. And inanimate objects.

Layane after Roen tells her someone is trying to kill them: oh no! Anyway

Layane after Roen tells her he loves her:

Layane is about to tell him to go to bed, when predictably:

He was staring at her, and his face broke into a wide grin. Before she could properly respond, he leant forwards and kissed her. Shock delayed her from reacting. She hadn’t seen him so close before; close up, looking at his skin hurt her eyes a little. She wasn’t sure why. His eyes were closed, and his eyelids looked dark and sore. Two of his hands crept around her waist, and the feeling snapped her to her senses. She swatted his hands away, and thrust her head backwards and away from him; gagging at the taste of liquor and smoke on her lips.

Take a seat, eighteen-year-old me.

Are you comfortable? Need anything? Okay, good. Can I ask you something? Is this hot? Do you find this romantic? Roen turning up drunk out of his mind, rambling about G-slur, before non-consensually planting a kiss on furious Layane and her barely reacting? Does that do it for you? Yeah?

Unforgivable. This is the OTP to end all OTPs, and this is what you planned?

You could have had Layane turn up, find the hotel room empty, panic, try and fail to contact Roen, and be so relieved when he reappears that she goes to hug him, and they end up having a moment (maybe even kissing!) before they flee to avoid their stalker/s. You could have had the reverse, if Roen chose to wait for Layane in the room after seeing G-slur rather than out at... a bar, I guess? You could have injected some threat by having Layane go out looking for him, and end up rescuing him from a still-present Crega! Instead... this?

I could maybe have forgiven this, if you hadn't fumbled the opportunity for all of Roen's four hands to creep up Layane's sides. But no. You couldn't even do that.

(Deep breaths.)

Let's carry on.

Layane didn’t know what to say to him, so she stayed silent. She watched – her gaze turning into a glare - as he sat down on his bed, running one of his hands through his hair. His other hand twitched around his pocket; she assumed he was looking for his drink. Or cigarettes. Or both.

That's very lucky for Roen. Layane's forgotten how to react to things again.

He put one of his hands on his stomach, and she thought he was going to throw up. “I feel... really funny,” he said.             In a way, she was glad that the moment had passed.

In a...

IN A WAY SHE WAS GLAD THE MOMENT HAD PASSED?

Did Shafinah putting you into Venom-mode addle your brain, Layane? Can you please react to anything that has just happened? In the last maybe five minutes you've found out you're in danger, Roen is drinking when he said he quit, AND he's in love with you, and all you can do is hope everything stops happening?

Except that's not really true, because that would be a reaction! You're not reacting at all!

I'm convinced the only part of this chapter I'd planned was the kiss and I didn't care about anything else. That beautiful, romantic kiss. A kiss for the fucking ages.

She didn’t want to talk about what had happened; it would make things between them far more awkward than they already were.

Layane, babes, this guy has pretty much drunkenly assaulted you. AND someone might be coming to kill you! Could you PLEASE react appropriately!

She was about to tell him to go into the bathroom, when he slid off the bed and fell onto the floor with a thud.

On that note, the chapter ends.

Yeah.

Eighteen-year-old El, to be clear, this is your fantasy? This is the height of romance? This is what you want to happen to you?

...

I've just realised how many of my books (virtually all of them) include a dramatic romantic revelation in a hotel room. Maybe this is what I thought was romantic at the time.

G-slur grins, seemingly thrilled that Roen is having a terrible time.

If she knew what had just happened, her turning up was sick.

Unintentionally hilarious sentence.

G-slur starts mocking Roen's relapse into alcoholism, which is lovely. In response, Roen says:

“Did you get your little killer to tell you where I was?”

Hold up. If Roen thinks she sent Crega, surely he must think G-slur knows what happened to him? Why did I word that totally sick sentence like that?

Regardless, G-slur seems to have no idea what he's on about. Roen argues with her, explaining what just happened, and she thinks he's either making it up or drunkenly hallucinated the whole thing. Because of this, she refuses to engage, and instead asks Roen why he's in El Paso.

...

YOU GAVE HIM THE PASSPORT. Why the hell would you do that if you didn't want him to use it?

Presumably someone is following them, because Shafinah told Layane they're being tracked, but I don't think it's Crega. All I know about this mystery stalker – assuming they've been following Layane and Roen this whole time and weren't able to tell G-slur why the dynamic duo came to El Paso – is they're godawful at their job.

Roen lies and says he's here on holiday. I do love that one of Roen's defining character traits is how terrible he is at lying. Luckily for Roen, G-slur decides she doesn't care if he's lying or not, for some reason. She's here to tell him something, unrelated to why Roen decided to go on holiday to Texas of all places.

“We have heard that a body was found,” she said. “The body of a young male Gever. We do not yet have proof, but all Gever on the surface are being questioned.”

Roen has remarkably little reaction to this, considering he was kidnapped and almost murdered at the end of book one. I'd ask if G-slur thinks this is anything to do with those bad guys, or maybe even the quad-wielding Gever who attacked me less than ten minutes ago. Instead:

He saw where it was going; she thought he could have let someone out. What an absurd thought it was. He hardly knew anyone in Geviria, bar servants and other members of G-slur’s household. He simply wasn’t allowed to know anyone. If he had let anyone out, it would have been a stranger.

G-slur: we've found the body of a dead Gever.

Roen, who has been kidnapped once, almost killed twice, and knows Shafinah is up to something:

Maybe Crega hit Roen harder than I thought.

Roen, for some reason, tells G-slur he didn't let the dead Gever out of Geviria. Unprompted. If I was G-slur, that's what would convince me Roen was involved, but never mind.

“And even if I wanted to, I couldn’t now.” [Roen said] When two of the kidnappers removed the diamond piercings from his skin, they were taking away more than simple body-jewellery. It was the reason that – according to Layane – Winchester killed the men who stole and sold the jewels. It cost him his entrance to Geviria.

So I did remember this happened. If you're thinking, oh, maybe Roen is going to realise it could be someone who stole/tracked down/bought the diamonds who did this, you would be completely wrong.

G-slur tells drunk, beaten Roen that she didn't think he had anything to do with it. Not in a but I do now way, she genuinely doesn't react at all to how suspicious Roen is acting. Instead, she believes the Gever may have been born on the surface. She gives no evidence for this whatsoever, but the reason she wanted to speak to Roen is to warn him that Elint might not be around for a while, seeing as all Gever working in the outside world, and who are old enough to be the corpse's parent, are being questioned about this in Geviria.

Fucking hell. She came all this way for that? I know she can teleport, but she doesn't even like Roen! Why would she come here just to give him a heads up that his buddy might not be able to let him into Geviria for a few days? I hope to god she's doing something evil in El Paso that hasn't been revealed yet, or it makes no sense whatsoever that she's here. And as well as not making sense for G-slur's character (yes she likes to torment Roen, but this is maybe the first time she's left Geviria in over a decade!*), this scene reveals exactly NOTHING that we don't already know, or that couldn't have been mentioned by Shafinah.

* Assuming she is indeed the one who filled Layane's parent's house with water, I honestly can't remember if that was ever confirmed.

“Fine,” said Roen. “I still want you to call off Crega. He killed someone.” G-slur laughed. “I honestly have no idea what you are talking about, Roenakah.”

They bicker for a while about whether or not what happened to Roen really happened. It ends with Roen telling G-slur fine, if she didn't send Crega, she needs to find out who did because that guy is dangerous. I love that he's appealing to G-slur for help here, as though he's forgotten she's evil and hates him.

The fact Crega only attacked Roen after Roen attacked him first does not come up.

G-slur still doesn't believe Roen, so he tries to bring her into the alleyway to... see the crime scene?

Come to think of it, where are they having this conversation? There's been no grounding at all, but I can only assume this drunk, beaten man and businesswoman, who presumably both have vaguely European accents, have been having this entire conversation in public on a busy street, near to where the cops have been called to a murder scene.

Wait a second. English isn't these characters' first language! Why are they having this conversation in English? Whenever characters speak in Gevirian I italicise it. Did I forget to do that?

They reach the alley/crime scene and Roen points at the crowd and cops and tells G-slur this is proof of what he saw. Except... is it, Roen? All she'll see is some human nonsense.

“I don’t know what you saw,” [G-slur] said, “but we are the only Gever here. Trust me.” “Maybe... maybe he’s connected to the dead Gever, then!”

FUCKING FINALLY. I honestly thought we were about to get through this whole chapter without one sensible thought.

Unfortunately, G-slur still thinks he drunkenly hallucinated Crega. Then they switch to speaking Gevirian, which means I didn't forget about that, and they just decided to have that entire previous conversation in English. In public. Yeah.

“Why aren’t you trying to kill me again for being here? Or for arguing with you? Or fo...?” [Roen said] “Shut up. I am leaving you be because your actions mean very little to me at the moment, and I have my own things to deal with. If you want to stay here and get drunk, that’s fine. But don’t drag me into anything that’s going on.”

Drag you into... girl, you came here unprompted to hassle Roen! If you have your own things to deal with, why come here? And why arrange to get Roen a new passport if you're so busy? Wouldn't it have been easier for you if he was stuck in Geviria?

Roen gives one last ditch attempt to convince her that Crega is real, but she teleports away. That's pretty funny, I'll give myself that.

He kicked the air where she had stood, as if somehow the blow would reach her. She had come to see him for no reason but to anger him.

Finally, Roen has an emotional reaction to what happened. G-slur might be lying to him, and Crega could still be out there with all four of his guns. Maybe even following Roen and Layane! What're you gonna do about it, Roen?

If you need a recap of the events of book one, this can be found ready and waiting here

We open book two with a flashback that reveals Roen fucks (the most important thing for readers to know) and that just before the events of book one, Roen bumped into Layane's mum, Nicola, in the US, seemingly by random chance, and Nicola forced him to go back to England to post the letter Layane received at the beginning of book one. It is unclear why she did this rather than send it literally any other way

In the present day, Layane and Roen are travelling to the US to find Nicola

We then have a random chapter that reveals Jezirah and Clemant are in Geviria. Basically nothing happens and this still hasn't become relevant so I don't know why it was included

We finally find out Layane and Roen are specifically in El Paso (previously there was zero indication where they were, other than America). They head out to find Nicola, who is definitely going to be where Roen ran into her last time. Even though she's on the run from the Gever. And Roen is one of them. For sure she'll be there

Miraculously, they DO find Nicola's apartment. She's moved out, but an incredibly helpful plot device janitor gives them the post Nicola left behind, including a letter proving Nicola was in contact with a Gever. It's incredibly unclear when the letter was received, and it makes the timeline so murky I'm not going to bother reminding you of the contents. All we need to know is: Nicola was in contact with a Gever and it's unclear which one

Shafinah shows up and yoinks Layane away to investigate some kind of lab (?) with a dead Gever in there (?) who died in a fire (?). Also, Layane is covered in magical black paint (?????) for the whole chapter. It is incredibly unclear if the lab is in the USA, England, or literally anywhere else in the world

I think that just about sums it up.

Anyway, let's find out what Roen was up to while Layane was breaking into a secret lab in an undisclosed location!

Why did Shafinah have to be so bloody cryptic? Roen thought. At the very least, he wanted to know when Layane was going to get back. She could be back already, and the hotel room would be empty when she returned.

You could have, I don't know, stayed in the room. That was very much an option you had, Roen.

Instead of staying put, which would be far too sensible for these characters, Roen nips out to a convenience store.

There was a queue, so he dawdled before joining. He pulled his hipflask out of his pocket and weighed it in his hand. Half-full. It was a good time to get something to refill it. Layane wasn’t there to notice.

Oh, Roen. Naughty boy.

Turns out our friend Roen started drinking again shortly after he was well enough to obtain more booze. He's annoyed he has to hide it from Layane, but she'd be angry if she found out, and he's in love with her. So he's been drinking a little every day, but never quite enough for her to notice.

In the queue, he spends a long time contemplating that he can't read human languages, but does know numbers, which comes in useful for buying booze.

He was annoyed that he couldn’t be bothered to fully learn the written human languages, but it would have taken up a lot of the time that was better spent drinking.

Amazing.

There have been 500 words of this chapter so far, and all we've learnt is Roen is at a shop, and he's still drinking. Roen reaches the front of the queue and asks for a bottle of vodka and cigarettes.

The cashier went to get the cigarettes from behind the counter, and Roen started watching himself in a screen showing the store’s security footage. As always, a strange blur appeared around his body, mainly around his arms, face and back. When he stood still, it just looked like the screen was faulty.

Oh. I genuinely didn't think this would ever come up again. The fact that Gever (thanks to the tagliatelle) appear like this on CCTV was briefly mentioned in chapter one, and I thought it was just in there for flavour.

Roen notices the screen must be faulty anyway, because there's a patch of dead pixels in the corner that look very similar to the blur around him. He sees this as a good thing, as no one is going to notice the weird blur around him if the CCTV footage is always weird and blurry, until the blur moves.

The patch was just above one of the display-cases. He couldn’t tell what was behind it, so he turned behind him to have a look. He didn’t have to double check the screen to see what – who – was standing behind the display. The man couldn’t have been that much older than he was, but Roen did a double-take when he saw how tall he was. The man towered over everyone in the store. He had short, dark hair, and was wearing a grey t-shirt. Most of his body was obscured behind the display, but Roen was sure he must be a Gever.

Roen immediately guesses this Gever is stalking him, which I desperately hope means he's been following Roen around for years, and at some point fell madly in love with him.

Roen pays for his purchases, leaves, and because no one in this book can make sensible choices, he hangs around near the entrance and waits for his stalker, who he assumes was sent by G-slur.

[The stalker] took a while to leave the store, and carried a large bag of groceries when he did. When he left, Roen realized he didn’t know how he was going handle the situation. Just going up to him and talking to him seemed a stupid plan. Especially as if G-slur had sent him, as he might even deny being a Gever. Roen didn’t know how many knew about the effect the tagehteh had on cameras; G-slur certainly hadn’t told him about it before he started his Protector duties.

The fact that Roen was not captured and/or killed immediately upon being released from Geviria continues to amaze me.

Good thinking, Roen. I assume you're going to pause, regroup, and consider your approach carefully?

Roen follows the Gever into an alleyway.

...

Haven't we been here before? Rhetorical question. We absolutely have. Roen followed Nicola into an alleyway in the first chapter, where she predictably pulled a gun on him. At least maybe we'll get some cool magic shit pulled on Roen this time.

[Roen] put his hand in his jeans pocket, and picked out a little box. He glanced inside it, and a glow of light burst through the hinges. He took one of the tagehtehs out and held it in his fist, being careful not to break it.

What? Roen, what are you -

After a second’s glance for humans around the alley, he drew back his fist and threw the tagehteh at the Gever’s back.

I'm... in awe.

You could have followed the Gever to see where he was going. You could have confronted him outside the shop, where he'd be unlikely to attack you in front of witnesses. You could have run back to the hotel, and spoken to Elint or Shafinah or anyone else about this guy before contemplating next steps. You could have done... basically anything other than piss off this stranger and potentially reveal the existence of magical, four-armed angels to humans in the process, but here we fucking are.

The glow attached itself to the Gever’s back, and the colour of his wings and extra arms dribbled from nowhere into view. There was something more worrying, however; the tagehteh had also revealed four pistols, strapped around his jeans.

[the slowest fucking slow clap]

I actually laughed out loud at this. Of course this Gever is out in El Paso quad-wielding pistols. Of course Roen is about to get threatened with guns in an alleyway for the second time in this novel, this time with four times as many guns.

Has there ever been a draft of this book where Roen doesn't end up with a gun in his face?

When [the Gever] spotted Roen, he stood up to his full height. He didn’t grab the guns, but curled his hands into fists and started walking towards him.

I really hope Roen gets punched four times at once. He would deserve it.

He didn’t take a tagehteh out to fix his illusion; he didn’t seem to care that he was exposed. “What the hell was that for?” he shouted. Roen thought that pointing out that he was heading towards the end of a path – where humans could see him – would not help the situation.

The whole scene is written like this. Extremely calm, matter of fact. Roen has seriously fucked up, and is about to be shot/punched four times at once, or worse, reveal his existence to the world. And he's just thinking, hm probably won't help if I point out humans might see him in Gever Mode after I put him in Gever Mode.

Instead of just killing Roen, which I'm honestly surprised doesn't happen, the Gever throws a tagliatelle back at him so now both of their magical boy body parts are on full display.

“What are you doing here?” [Roen said] “I hardly think that is any of your business.” “You are following me; I think that’s my business. Did G-slur send you?” The Gever laughed. “Don’t flatter yourself, buddy. I have no idea who you are. And I don’t know who G-slur is, either.”

I genuinely have no idea who this is, either. Is there another civilisation of Gever, who are doing exactly the same thing as the Gever in Geviria, somewhere else in the world? That was the plot to one of the barely-written sequels for the first Dying Screams. So, you know, maybe?

After a lot of accusatory back and forth, we get here:

“I honestly haven’t been following you,” he said. “But you know what? You can help me with something.” He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a sheet of paper. “I won’t help you until you tell me who you are!” “Fine. My name is Crega. Now that formality is out of the way, please tell me where this Gever is?” He held the paper up towards Roen. On it was a very realistic sketch of Shafinah.

I'm becoming less and less convinced the plot of this book will ever return to Nicola, Winchester, or anything that was introduced in The Human Spirit.

Also, if you're wondering: no, Crega hasn't asked who Roen is, and Roen hasn't given Crega his name.

So this is about Shafinah. Does this mean that Shafinah has been hanging around in El Paso, too? I figured she just popped up to be creepy and kidnap Layane.

Why are all these people in El Paso?

Roen lies and says he has no idea who she is.

Crega slipped the page back into his pocket. He appeared very calm, up to the sudden moment that he grabbed Roen’s shoulders, and pinned him against the wall. “It’s a very happy coincidence that another Gever is in the same area the traitor was last seen,” Crega snarled.

Sexy.

The narration continues to be very matter-of-fact. Instead of being scared, Roen is merely confused that Crega is referring to Shafinah as 'the traitor'.

Wait, you might say, isn't Roen from part of Geviria known for fighting against its rulers? Maybe they see Shafinah as a traitor, for working with G-slur! That would be a reasonable assumption, no?

Roen doesn't think of this. Instead, he thinks Crega made this up on the spot to hide that he's been sent by G-slur to stalk Roen. The most glaring piece of evidence supporting this is that Crega has not asked who Roen is, but Roen doesn't notice that, and I'm not sure if it was intentional or if I genuinely didn't realise Crega might be interested who Roen is. In any case, Roen once again lies that he has no idea who 'the traitor' is.

Crega’s eyes were furious, but he loosened his grip. Roen took this opportunity to strike back, and whipped his arm out of his hold fast enough to punch him in the face.

Oh! Nice one, Roen.

Unfortunately Roen injures his hand while punching him, and Crega then returns the punch, much harder. It is unclear how many hands were used for the punching.

While being punched by an undetermined number of fists, Roen regrets his choices. That makes sense, seeing as they were some of the stupidest choices any character in this has ever made, which is saying a lot. He does, however, remain convinced that this Gever was sent by G-slur. G-slur wouldn't want him dead, so Crega would have been instructed not to kill Roen, which is the only reason Roen hasn't already been shot by at least one gun. Not sure I fully buy this train of thought, but Roen is being beaten while it's rolling through, so I'll give him a pass.

Once Crega stops punching Roen, he (Crega) chucks a tagliatelle over himself and turns to leave.

The scuffling of footsteps interrupted Crega. A man was standing in the alley with them, looking at them both in horror. Roen hadn’t heard him appear, and - by the look on his face – neither did Crega.

Uh oh. Crega may look like a human now, but he didn't a few seconds ago, and Roen is still very much uncovered.

A gunshot cracked through the air. Roen jumped to the side and away from the sound, almost dropping the box. A burst of pain seized through his body. Momentarily, he thought Crega had shot him. But the pain must have been a reaction to the shock the sound brought on, because when he looked up, Crega had pointed the gun to where the man was standing.

Oh dear. I'm not sure why I decided to have Roen think he was the one who was shot, but never mind. This is pretty terrible.

Also, Crega: you may be in an alleyway, but you're in public. Broad daylight. Is this a good idea?

“Why did you do that?” hissed Roen. He forced his shaking hand to grasp the tagehteh and crush it over himself. If only he had thought to do it earlier... Crega didn’t seem to have heard him. He put his hand on the wall, and leant close to Roen. He could feel Crega’s angry breath on his face. “Look what you made me do,” Crega said.

Sorry, past me. I think these two have better chemistry than Layane and Roen.

And, Roen: you were the one who caused this situation. You very much threw the tagliatelle at Crega and started this whole thing, and for what, so he couldn't deny he was a Gever? Surely threatening to throw the tagliatelle at him would be enough for that?

Why didn't I think of undoing the stupid mistake I made! Come on, man.

Crega races out of the alleyway, while Roen stands in shock. I'm not quite sure how I'm meant to be picturing the alleyway, but I assume it must somehow branch off and have multiple exits, because otherwise I have no idea how both Crega and Roen manage to leave without being seen.

Roen runs, unsure what to think. He's quite sure G-slur wouldn't allow one of her men to kill humans, so maybe this guy isn't working for G-slur.

I mean... she did fill Layane's parents' house with water. And basically sentenced Layane and Clemant to death when she refused to help when they were in danger during book one. And Roen implies he thinks the Gever (led by G-slur) would kill Nicola if they found her two chapters ago. Have we forgotten that? Yeah? Okay. Never mind then.

Roen takes the liquor he bought out of his pocket and downs half of it. There's a confusing 200 words where it's unclear if Roen is still standing in shock or walking out of the alleyway, seeing as we've been told he started running but have no indication as to how far he got. I assume the latter, but the length of time that passes as he contemplates G-slur killing humans suggests this alleyway is very, very long, and the next bit of grounding detail suggests he was still in the alleyway when he paused to drink (see what you think in the clipped section below). Then we...

Sigh. Is every chapter going to end like this from now on?

“No, I did not,” Shafinah said.

Oh thank god.

“Something’s happened,” she said. “And I need your help.”

Oh-kay...

Shafinah, what could you possibly want from these idiots? Surely you know how incompetent they are?

Roen laughed. “You need our help? What could we do that you couldn’t?”

Even Roen thinks this is weird!

“Be a human.” She looked straight at Layane, who then realized that by ‘you’, Shafinah didn’t mean both her and Roen. She had just meant her.             “You can look like a human,” Roen said.             “I know I can look like a human, but I’m not a human. And I need to have a look at something, but the people guarding it are expecting me to turn up...”

...

WHAT.

I can remember exactly none of this. Is Shafinah planning a heist? And why does it matter if the people guarding 'it' are expecting you to show up if you can just remove their DNA or whatever it is you can do in this version of the story?

Roen, very sensibly, asks why Shafinah can't just use magic to do whatever she wants to do, rather than using Layane for... whatever this is.

“I don’t have a lot of time,” Shafinah said. “I’m sorry, Roenakah, I hope you don’t mind if I take this.” The next moment was a blur. One second, Layane was standing next to Roen. When she looked up at him, he looked worried. She thought he was about to blurt something out to Shafinah. Then, the scene melted away around her. She could feel one of Shafinah’s spindly hands grasping her shoulder. At first it felt like she was tugging her forwards, but then the area dissolved into darkness.

That's actually kinda funny. Shafinah saying, 'I just need to take this' like she's answering a call and instead she yoinks Layane away.

Layane appears on a gravel path behind a tall, grey wall, very confused and alarmed.

“Where am I?” she blurted out. “Why have you taken me here?” She picked herself up off the ground, and turned to face her. Shafinah’s dark, colourless eyes seemed to stare right though her. Layane wasn’t sure she trusted her yet, so kept her distance. “I was told that the humans had found something,” Shafinah said. Her voice was calm and clear; she either hadn’t noticed Layane’s distrust of her, or didn’t care. “But I wasn’t allowed to come and look for myself. Isn’t that unfair?”

I thought you couldn't go because someone would be 'expecting you', Shafinah? Another retcon? Or were you just lying?

Also, can you not become invisible, Shafinah? I was pretty sure you could at least turn into a shadow, but maybe that was another version of this book. Never mind. I guess the implication is that someone else, probably a Gevirian leader whose name starts with G, isn't letting her. Why are you letting her push you around like that, Shafinah? And who are 'the humans'? Winchester and his goons? Someone else?

Without explaining anything, Shafinah touches Layane and something... happens.

Wait, I've just realised anyone in this can become invisible! They have those little balls of magic that can turn them invisible! Why couldn't Shafinah just use one of those?

Never mind. Anyway, something happens:

An icy blast spread across [Layane's] chest from the part Shafinah had touched. She looked down, and screamed when she saw her upper body was covered in a thin, black liquid, which had the thick consistency of paint. It clung to her skin; when she touched it to try to move it away, it attached itself to her fingers and spread up and across her arms. She began to panic, although she didn’t know why exactly. She didn’t want to touch it, but she thrust her black hand down aver her chest, and tried to wipe the darkness off herself.

Magic people love doing shit to Layane without explaining what they're about to do. By now, Layane should just assume weird, magical shit is going to happen to her every second of every day.

I like that she doesn't know why she's panicking as she's coated in fucking... venom goo. (Is 'paint' the right word here, past me?)

Yeah, that's probably fine. No need to worry.

“Shafinah!” she yelled, trying to push the liquid off her. It twisted and bulged as she forced it downwards, but it sank into shape as soon as she released it. Her arms were now completely coated with whatever it was; it rested on her clothes rather than seep into the fabric. Whatever it was, it had completely covered her. Out of her peripheral vision, she could see the black on her nose and hair. She was still panting, but couldn’t tell if she had any reason to be worried.

Layane right now:

At least she isn't sure whether to be worried or not.

Ignoring that she's just covered Layane in goo, Shafinah explains that there's a building behind the wall they appeared near, and she needs Layane to go inside for her.

Remember just now when Shafinah said that Layane needed to look like a human to walk into... wherever this is? Will it not be a bit odd if the human walking in is coated in goo?

“What is this?” said Layane. She shook her hand hard, and a few droplets of black showered off. The gaps the action created immediately sealed over, and there was no sign it had happened. “What did you do to me?” “It’s something to protect you. It keeps you tied to me, and if you get stuck, I can pull you back out.” She drew her hand backwards, and Layane felt a tug on her clothes. When she looked, she saw the black liquid was being pulled away from her, forcing her towards Shafinah. She regained her footing, and turned to Shafinah. “So... I’m on a leash?” “The way I said it makes you seem less like a domesticated animal. But yes, if you want to put it that way, you are on a leash.”

Hot.

Maybe the goo can only be seen by Layane and Shafinah? That would make sense. No one would question that if I had Shafinah say that was the case. I don't, though, to be clear.

“So... I find the ‘thing’,” Layane said. “And then you pull me out through the solid walls?”

Is Shafinah going to bother telling Layane what the 'thing' is? Is Layane going to bother asking?

Before Layane could say anything, Shafinah flicked her wrist towards the wall. Layane’s feet raked the ground as the black liquid threw her helplessly sideways. She managed to scream “stop!” before colliding with the wall. But the collision never came. She didn’t have enough time to find her feet, so she landed inelegantly onto a tiled floor on her back. A clean, white wall was behind her, and it showed no sign of being broken. She had passed straight through it.

This is fun. However I am one million percent sure there is a better way to do this plan than throw Layane, who has no idea what is going on, through a wall.

There was a tugging at her stomach. She looked down to see the black liquid being yanked away from her, and – yet again – she was dragged through the wall. Shafinah was standing exactly where she had left her. Nothing that had happened seemed to surprise her in any way. “That is what we’re doing,” said Shafinah. “I have control over you. I will put you in the building, you will find it, and then I want you to tug on the front of your shirt. Then, I will pull you out.”

Again, hot.

It's really bizarre seeing random elements of this that clearly influenced the later drafts. Shafinah calls this teleporting, and the version of teleporting that stuck in the later drafts involves physically pulling yourself around the world using magic. Maybe this is where that came from. Huh.

“But what am I looking for?” “You’ll know when you see it.” “But...?” With a flick of her hand, Shafinah flung Layane into the building.

She looked around. She was in a corridor. Numerous doors led off it, and the area was deserted. There was a strong smell of chlorine, and something else that Layane wrinkled her nose at. It smelt like rot, and she didn’t want to think about it.

I can't believe that nothing happened for maybe the first third of this draft, and now we're here. Could we have not started with the gang working with Shafinah?

What was she looking for? She was furious with Shafinah that she didn’t tell the whole story. And suddenly she became aware of how stupid she would look if anyone caught the weird teenage girl, painted black.

This isn't exactly inconspicuous, is it? If the only option other than Shafinah going herself is to send a teenager covered in black paint, would it be that much weirder to turn up as a winged woman with four arms?

Layane realises that the 'something' she's looking for might be The Key. I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's the only Magical Object Layane is aware of.

All the doors are locked, so Layane continues down the corridor. If only someone who could teleport herself and other people through solid walls was here. Shame no one like that is involved in this.

Finally, Layane comes across a door that isn't locked, and pushes her way inside.

Layane gagged. At the centre of the room, laid out on a gurney, was the body of a dead Gever. A thin sheet was covering the body, but the Gever’s wings and arms were sticking out from under it. The skin was dark and grey. Layane thought the Gever was male, but the body was so discoloured and appeared so misshapen that she couldn’t tell.

Oh! Is this Winchester's doing? Does he have a whole Gever experimentation lab? Why isn't Shafinah doing anything about this?

I just had a thought. With the Venom Goop Layane is covered in, is Shafinah seeing what she sees? Can Shafinah communicate with Layane here, other than feeling if Layane pulls on her shirt? I assume she can at least see Layane, but it's a bit unclear.

Certainly no one communicates with Layane, so she decides to snoop around. She doesn't want to inspect a dead Gever, but realises she must be there to do just that. Layane approaches the gurney to have a poke around, and I have no idea why I described the Gever's body before she does this, seeing as it's under a sheet, even if the sheet is apparently so thin Layane can see the whole body through it from the other side of the room.

Then, Layane hears footsteps. Instead of pulling on her t-shirt, she goes to hide between a cupboard and the wall.

A woman in a labcoat walks in. She pulls back the cloth from the dead Gever, who died in a fire or explosion, and is unrecognisable. Again... why exactly did I describe the body before this? What was the point of the sheet?

Anyway, the woman quickly spots Layane, and Layane pulls the front of her t-shirt and is yoinked away.

Her eyes snapped shut as she flew. The sounds of the building buzzed around her; the permeable walls shot past her with a whooshing sound. A moment before she slammed into the tree, she could feel a fresh breeze. “Sorry,” she heard Shafinah say.

Pfft.

Shafinah evidently cannot see what Layane sees, as Layane has to explain everything she saw in there.

“I see,” said Shafinah. “Yes – I thought so. But I hoped they were bluffing.”

Who is 'they'? Winchester? Some other humans? Someone related to G-slur? Layane does not ask. She just stands there as Shafinah... zones out.

Layane hoped that she would take her back now; she could probably do so in a second. But Shafinah stayed rooted to the spot. She was looking in Layane’s direction, but Layane could not tell if she was looking at her, of had zoned out into the area behind. “What?” Layane said. Maybe her reacting would snap her out of it for long enough to take her back to the hotel room. “G-slur heard about it first,” said Shafinah. “There was a rumour. Something in the human news.”

Is this related in any way to the Nicola/Winchester plotline? If it isn't, why did we waste the first third of the book focusing on that?

Apparently an article about a 'mutated body' was floating around online. G-slur found out (somehow), and I guess... didn't want anyone to investigate it other than her? Not suspicious at all.

I've... just realised I have no idea where in the world these characters are currently. Shafinah doesn't even name a country. Are we still in America? Back in the UK? Where is this secret Gever experimentation lab?

“G-slur is trying to find out who it was, but she didn’t know where the body was to check. I wanted to know for myself.” She looked upwards, and Layane followed her gaze. There was nothing above them but the sky. “G-slur is here to find Roen,” she added. “She was looking for him. She will have found him by now.”

So we're... in America? Maybe?

Layane asks to be taken back to Roen. If Shafinah and Layane are still in America, that does make sense. If it transpires that they are currently in the UK, I do find it pretty funny that she's going to be teleported back to El Paso just to get a flight back to England.

“I will,” Shafinah said. “[G-slur] is tracking you, by the way.” “What? Why didn’t she just... catch us?” “I don’t think she wants to. I think she just wanted to know what exactly you were doing.” She laughed. “It is a bit odd, you two running off this far across the world. I think she thought he was taking another holiday, and you tagged along.”

Fair assumption, actually. I still find it very funny that G-slur gave them passports.

Layane bit her lip, and gagged when some of the black liquid seeped into her mouth.

Oh yeah, Layane is still covered in black paint. That's what the scientist would have seen: a girl covered in black paint.

Behind a shelf.

So... probably... a pair of eyes in shadow...

Great plan, Shafinah. G-slur is never going to find out you were involved in this.

Layane, again, asks to be sent back to Roen. Shafinah has one more question: how did the Gever die? Layane tells her, and without another word, Shafinah teleports Layane away and the chapter ends.

I really hope Layane is still in Venom Mode when she reaches the hotel room.

This chapter does raise some interesting questions:

Is any of this related to the first book?

Who is running a secret Gever experimentation lab? Do world government/s know about Gever?

Had I watched Spiderman 3 before writing this, and if so, what did I think of it?

Layane and Roen are, naturally, disappointed that their plan that had no hope of working... didn't work.

“Thanks,” [Roen] said. “Did she say where she was going?” “No. We’ve been getting her mail; she didn’t leave a forwarding address.”

I do love that Nicola was living here so openly. Yeah, she probably used a fake name (we have no proof yet that the cleaner knows her as Nicola), but renting a whole flat in another country is a bit conspicuous, isn't it? Wouldn't you move around?

Also, I know this isn't the point but... why El Paso?

Layane asks if they can have her mail, and the cleaner asks who they are.

Her response was automatic. “I’m her daughter,” she said.

No idea why that's phrased like Layane's lying. I know Layane has complicated feelings about Nicola, but surely the narration should comment on those, rather than... whatever this is?

The cleaner, understandably, is unsure. Then Roen slips him a few dollar bills and the dynamic duo walk away with the post.

I know I've been going on and on about how ridiculous it would be for Nicola to still be here (or even that she was still in this flat last week), but just to throw another perspective into the mix: how do we know she's not there and the cleaner lied for her?

He passed the bundle [of letters] to Layane as they walked. She assumed they were going back to the apartment, at least she hoped so. After the distraction, she realized how hungry she was. And thirsty. And in the sun, just plain hot.

How much post does a woman on the run generally get?

How come Layane hasn't collapsed from heat exhaustion yet?

I assume by apartment I mean hotel room...

She started to sort through the post as she walked. There was a lot of leaflets from local companies and a couple of official-looking letters. She opened them to find letters from two banks. Nothing in them gave any indication that she had moved.

...

Are these letters addressed to Nicola's real name? They can't be, but surely if they were addressed to a fake name, Layane or the narrator would have remarked upon this? How has this woman not been caught yet? I know the Gevirians are incompetent as hell, but the police are looking for them t-

Just remembered how incompetent the police are in these books. Ignore me.

I'm not sure why Layane isn't more interested in the bank letters. Even if there's no indication of where Nicola moved, presumably these are bank statements, which will provide some kind of insight into who Nicola is. Anyway, those don't matter. Another letter, with a handwritten address, catches her eye and she opens it.

Strange, illegible symbols covered the page. They looked similar to those that had lined the Tunnel to Geviria. It confused her. If Gever knew where she was, had she been captured?

I... okay.

I do get what I'm trying to do here. But... you know that Gever know where Nicola is, Layane. I'll give you three guesses to work out how you should already know this.

Layane gives the letter to Roen to translate.

“It says, ‘As far as I know G-slur called off the search for you in America long ago. Her son is the Protector of your daughters and I am not sure why he had followed you. I doubt he was sent there, as G-slur would not let him abandon his normal duties.” He laughed. “It should be nothing to worry about’.”

Nicola logic: I need to urgently let my daughters know someone is after them, so I will send the person who's after them with a message as any other method of communication is too slow! Anyway, better send a letter to Narnia to find out if I'm in danger if I stay here.

Maybe that's harsh. We don't know for sure that she was here the whole time.

Also I guess the Gever were searching for Nicola in America? Any reason why? I genuinely can't remember if there was any rationale given for this at any point, but I assume not. If there was: sorry, past me.

“Is that all?” [Layane said] “You’re mentioned again. ‘The girls have been missing for a while now. I don’t think it’s anything to panic over, and G-slur is not behind it. I will mail back when there is more news. There could be more Gever coming to England, so I suggest that you don’t return.”

Uh... when was this letter sent? Why would it open with Roen being a protector, if the main news was that Layane and Clemant have been kidnapped? Surely this was sent over a month ago? Didn't the cleaner say Nicola left a couple of weeks back?

(Scrolls up.)

No, it's worse, he said 'last week'. Great. And Nicola left before she received this envelope of exposition?

I assume Roen is meant to be paraphrasing the contents of the letter as he's translating it, but even so, this sounds like a horrible fucking letter. No explanation of what is meant by 'the girls are missing'? Also, surely this letter must have been sent during a very narrow window of time between the (first) kidnap and Layane arriving in Geviria?

Unless... maybe this was sent recently, as an attempt to lure Nicola back, because as far as everyone outside Geviria is aware, the girls are missing?

I doubt it, but that would be nice. Then again, Nicola never received the letter so it doesn't matter.

Layane looked at the envelope, and saw it was properly stamped and addressed. She remembered the letter that Nicola sent her. She hadn’t looked at it in a while. It was apologetic. Loving. But she didn’t believe it. The only real reason Nicola had sent it was to warn Layane that Roen was there.

[Citation needed. Specifically for the letter being 'loving'. We all know Nicola asked Roen to send the letter to tell the girls to run away from him, for some reason]

Layane realises that the letter must have been sent by post, meaning some Gever is outside Geviria sending letters to Nicola. Layane (sensibly) asks if Roen thinks Elint could have sent it.

Remember Elint? He's Roen's father figure slash boss (?) who works smuggling Gever in and out of Geviria on a luxury cruise ship, ride or die for Royane, hates G-slur, etc.

“No,” Roen said, after a pause. “He doesn’t like G-slur, but I don’t think he’d disobey another order. He got into trouble when G-slur found out I went away. And I can’t remember him ever being in America.”

So the letter was sent from within America? Do we know this? How would Roen know that?

Layane tries to deduce what must have happened. Nicola never got the letter, so why did she run? Layane comes up with exactly zero suggestions. She also wonders when the letter was sent, which is a good fucking question that I doubt is going to be answered.

Layane and Roen get back to the hotel. There was no mention of them stopping for food or water, so who knows how Layane made it all the way back without dying. Naturally, having found nothing useful, they decide it's probably time to go back to England.

Great going, guys.

As they're walking up to their room, we get this:

“Do you think the Gever will have caught her, or the kidnappers?” [Layane said]             He shrugged. “I don’t know. And I don’t know which I would rather her be caught by. Either way, she ends up...”             Layane waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. She assumed he wanted to say ‘dead’. Perhaps he didn’t want to in front of her. It would be surprising to Layane if the Gever killed her; she had thought they wanted to keep her alive to find out where the Key was.

Roen probably knows the Gever better than you, Layane.

I do love how clear it is that I knew this plot made no sense, even as I was writing it. I remember stopping in the middle of a scene, in my relatives' house in Georgia, because I'd reached my limit and realised this was unsalvageable.

God only knows what that scene was. I am slightly afraid to find out.

Then, [Layane] realized what was bothering him. He thought it would be his fault if Nicola was caught. Not much has been going right for you recently, has it? Layane wanted to ask. She felt she had to cheer him up somehow. She didn’t want him to get depressed; he’d probably start to drink again, and then make everything worse for him.

You do realise that your entire role in this is completely optional, Layane? Ditch his ass!

Layane is still trying to figure out how to cheer up Roen (easy, give him a lil smooch) when they finally reach the door to their room. Roen unlocks it.

A Gever – who Layane had only before seen in darkness – was sitting on the bed. Her wings were stretched out behind her, her long, red dress blending into the duvet cover she sat on.             “I was wondering when you would show up,” Shafinah said, and she ushered them inside.

The chapter ends here, if it wasn't already obvious from that post-credits final line.

...

Layane is in Geviria. She realises she wants to know everything about Nicola before they meet, so she asks Jezirah and Roen about her.

No, I have no idea why I also had Layane ask Roen what Nicola was like in the earlier part of this chapter. Another retcon?

“What exactly happened when my parents came here?” Layane asked. Jezirah looked uncomfortable at first. Layane assumed it was because at the time Nicola and Simon arrived, Jezirah wouldn’t be born for another thirteen years.

I'm not sure I'd bother asking these two, personally. Maybe try...

“You’re better off asking Gy...” [Roen] paused, and scowled. “No, don’t ask her. She’d probably just get mad.”

I like that the dialogue had already censored the name for me.

In all seriousness, what is the point of this? Not only is Layane unlikely to find out anything useful, but we're also pausing a fairly tense scene* for this.

* I suspect that is the intention, anyway.

Roen explains that Layane's parents found the entrance to Geviria before she was born, because they were... 'taking photos around Spain'.

Yep. They were on holiday to take pictures of Spain. That's the best I could come up with. For some reason, they came all the way out to the island to take pictures, which is meant to be so far from the coast the Gever need to arrange cruises to travel in and out. No explanation is given for Layane's parents' decision to sail out there.

If this was written by anyone other than me, I'd start to suspect they already knew Geviria was there, and came up with the lame cover story to trick the Gever into letting them in. Unfortunately, I did write this book, and I truly doubt that's where this is going.

“How did they even get in?” Layane asked. “You said humans needed to be with a Gever.” “My mother left Geviria when they were still on the island,” Jezirah said. She started to look even more uncomfortable; she reminded Layane of the way Clemant felt when she was in large crowds of people. “They saw her, so she let them in. I think G-slur was angry at first.” “She was,” said Roen. “But then she began to see a better side to it. Folon – my, er, father – was dead. Geviria was a lot... safer without him. And the Esconios stopped with their ‘humans are soulless’ nonsense for a while. She thought it would be a good idea if – eventually – humans and Gever could coexist.

Roen's father is called what now?

Considering most (if not all) of this information could have been shared by Roen, I have no idea why this isn't a conversation Layane and Roen are having in El Paso or wherever near El Paso they are.

Roen was a very small child when this all happened, apparently. I'd love to interrogate the timeline here a little more. So Layane's parents discovered Geviria, started... opening the path for human-Gever relations, I guess? And then immediately decided to have a baby?

Maybe Layane was unplanned? Just a surprise nine months post-discovering Narnia baby?

G-slur took Nicola and Simon on a tour around Geviria, where their arrival was celebrated as a turning point for human-Gever relations, for some reason. Yep. Just Nicola and Simon Thompson from... Somerset? I think?

“Then when they left, they were given the Key.” [Roen said] “Did they ever return?” [Layane said] “No. I think G-slur said Nicola was pregnant when they came here. They probably didn’t have the time.”

Oh. So... they went on a boat trip off the coast of Spain, in no particular direction, when Nicola was pregnant? Interesting.

This does make the whole losing-the-key thing make more sense though. They'd just had a baby! Maybe they noticed the key was gone while they were potty training Layane, and didn't have the time to deal with it, making it super awkward when G-slur showed up asking for it several years later.

But also... if they weren't planning on ever returning, and there was seemingly no expectation to return, WHY ON EARTH GIVE THESE PEOPLE THE KEY? Before now I had the vague impression that they'd visited a number of times, probably while doing something for the Gever? Doing what, I couldn't tell you.

And how did Winchester and his squad even find out about this, if Nicola and Simon never went back to Geviria and presumably didn't tell anyone about it?

After all of that exposition, which ranged from 'stuff we'd already figured out' all the way to 'stuff that contradicts the earlier plot', we get something that might actually be useful:

“G-slur sent Jezirah to get the Key back.” [Roen said] “She means my mother, not me,” Jezirah confirmed. “She had the same name as me.” Layane remembered something. It was a memory from her life at home, right before her parents abandoned her. It had lain dormant in her mind, until she thought hard enough to revive it. She had been in the kidnappers’ car when she remembered it.

Ignoring the absolutely deranged way I made Layane connect what the others are saying to her memory (which, as a reminder, is within a flashback), that was so distracting it took me weeks to realise Jezirah misgendered Roen for some reason...

[Insert that polar bear image that gets flagged for pornography here]

...and the fact that Layane could have asked Roen or Jezirah at any point in The Human Spirit who that woman was, finally, we might be getting answers for some of this!

“I think she warned them that G-slur was coming,” said Layane. “I remember when she came... well, a tiny bit. All I heard her say was that ‘she is angry’.”

This... kinda sounds like Layane does know G-slur is evil? I think? A free passport is a free passport, I guess.

“Jezirah’s mother was friends with Nicola,” said Roen. “She probably did. After Jezirah’s visit, your parents ran. They left you at the home, and then we never saw them again.”

This should definitely have all come out earlier. What exactly was the reason for this information being withheld from the first book? Other than the fact that these books should definitely have only been one book, I mean.

Also, how exactly did Nicola and Simon become friends with Jezirah Snr. if they never visited Geviria? Did Jezirah Snr. spend all her free time on the Upper World? Although, knowing that Jezirah Snr. was murdered several years later (presumably by G-slur), this may offer a hint as to what happened to her and why.

Of course, Layane does not make the connection between Jezirah Snr.'s visit and her violent death. And if you're thinking, maybe that's because she doesn't know about Jezirah's parents' murders in great detail, Roen or Jezirah Jnr. do and they don't make the connection, either. Instead, Layane questions why G-slur left her and her sister alone in a kids' home. Why didn't G-slur kidnap them as bait to lure Nicola in?

So, Layane does know G-slur is evil...?

Roen looked thoughtful for a while. “[The Gever] found you easily. They didn’t take you because it wasn’t your fault. Taking you couldn’t be justified.” He paused. “I think that was it... I think it was something like: they couldn’t explain it, and the Esconios would support it if they held you.”

That's a lot of words for, 'the author has no idea, sorry.'

[Layane] paused, taking everything in.

Yeah, it is hard to accept that the author has no idea what she's doing.

We're then dragged out of the flashback, kicking and screaming.

No, I don't know where Layane, Jezirah and Roen were for that flashback, other than somewhere in Geviria (presumably Jezirah's house). Not knowing exactly where the characters are is going to be a recurring theme here, I think.

“Are you okay?” Layane looked up to see Roen, his eyes filled with worry. She had zoned out as she looked up at the apartments.

Layane says that she's fine, and just wants to get this over with, and the chapter ends. I was so nervous that the next chapter was going to go back to Jezirah and Clemant doing nothing in Geviria that I scrolled down a bit to check.

The narration tells us that they arrived late at night, and went straight to a cheap hotel (possibly I mean motel?) to sleep. Layane feels uncomfortable in the area where they're staying. There is not enough evidence to determine if I Only One Bed'd them or not.

“I think I recognize the area,” Roen said. He had woken first, and had looked around the area. “But I didn’t see Nicola anywhere. And there was no one waiting for me.” “Surely that’s a good thing?” He bit his lip. “I’m not sure. It could mean she isn’t here.”              “Well, let’s hope that’s not the case!”

I mean. Considering Nicola doesn't want to be found, and Roen found her in... whatever this place is a couple of months back, this is probably the least likely town for her to be. And America is, uh, big.

Not that I'm saying this plan is bad, of course! It's definitely not the worst plan these characters have had!

Yakety sax plays in distance

Roen admitted that he didn’t actually know where in America he was when he saw Nicola. He explained that he had gone to America from Spain on a whim; the false identification documents G-slur had given him made it easy. He couldn’t remember where exactly he went first, but he had moved around the country a lot afterwards.

Great. He still doesn't even remember which state he was in when he saw Nicola. This is a fantastic plan.

I briefly thought, 'wait, why did Roen even need a new passport if he already had one?' when I realised I'd managed to forget one of the best parts of The Human Spirit: when G-slur decided to punish Roen by taking away his IDs (as well as torturing him for a bit and trying to send a little girl to her death).

The pair of them had to tear apart what remained of Roen’s luggage to find a hint at where he had stayed. Eventually, they found a plane ticket.

Oh! The random jumping around makes this very hard to parse, but Roen admitting he didn't know where in America he went happened before they got on the plane. Got it. That does make sense, seeing as they seemed to know what airport they had to go to in the last Royane chapter.

It was from a day before Layane received the letter, and it showed that Roen’s plane left El Paso International Airport.

Texas! Called it!

This is treated like a major discovery, but even though they've narrowed the city down, Roen still has to remember where exactly he'd seen Nicola in a city with a population of half a million, and the surrounding areas.

C'mon, past me. You could have at least had Roen find a receipt from the hotel! He saw Nicola from the hotel window!

What's infuriating is that I know these characters are going to end up in the right place. It took Layane and Jezirah something like two days to track down one house in a small town in England, and these idiots are going to find Nicola or a clue immediately. Roen has already said he recognises this place! I honestly could not tell you how they manage this. Sheer luck?

Layane spends a long time contemplating how angry she is that Roen was drunk the entire time he was in America, and is now almost completely useless in the hunt for Nicola. At least he's not drinking now, she thinks. She was suspicious when she realised he was gone this morning, but now he's back, and he doesn't seem drunk at all.

See what I mean about the jumping around? In quick succession, we went from Layane and Roen on the flight, to arriving at the hotel and going to bed, to talking after Roen returned from his walk and mentioning he recognises the location, to the discovery of the old plane tickets before they came here, to Layane contemplating Roen's absence (before he returned from his walk, which happened earlier in the chapter).

What were you going for here, past me?

Worth noting that other than knowing Layane is in a hotel room, we haven't had any indication of what she is doing. Everything on the page has been Layane thinking about Roen, Nicola, or past events.

Layane got out of bed.

Okay, I guess she was in bed. I personally would have got up before Roen returned, but that's just me.

The room they were staying in was ‘all right’ at best.

That's... good?

We get confirmation that there are two beds, so I did NOT Only One Bed these characters. I know it's super common for motels/hotels in the US to have multiple double beds in a room, so it would be kinda weird if I did Only One Bed them, but given how little effort I've put in to make this feel like America, I see this as a missed opportunity.

Layane goes into the bathroom to get ready, and when she returns, Roen decides that he does recognise this place, but only because he saw it from Nicola's car when she was driving him to the airport.

Didn't he already say this? Never mind, guess I forgot about that. Also, I do love that Roen couldn't even remember which state he was in, but remembers a road he was driven down once clearly enough that he's certain they're on the right track.

“Why did you come here in the first place?” she asked. He turned. “Here? I don’t know, I just wandered around and ended up...” “No – I meant, why did you leave England?” When he sighed, she regretted asking the question. “I was just...” He paused, a blank expression on his face. “It was a ‘bad time’.”

I'd be more concerned about finding Nicola in a strange city, with no idea where she is, personally. But hell yeah, let's have some angst.

In between writing these posts, I've been working on a draft zero sequel for another novel. The more I read of this, the more I worry that I still do the thing where I start to write a scene and spend the entire time in my character's head rather than describing anything going on around them. Oh well. I guess that's what a draft zero is for...

Layane and Roen set off to try to find a needle in a haystack Nicola in a city. At this stage I feel I should remind everyone that, according to chapter one, Roen doesn't actually know where Nicola lives. Presumably she lives somewhere near the motel he was staying at... but they just had a chance encounter outside it. There's no proof she lives in the area. The next day, Nicola turned up to drive him to the airport, but there's no indication she told him where she lived then, either. Why would she? Nicola could have been staying in another country for all Roen knows, and was just in El Paso for the day.

The hotel was on the side of a wide road. Rows of cars and industrial buildings lined it. As they walked, they kept to the pavement. The heat soon became uncomfortable, and Layane wished she were back in the room.

At least this feels a little more like America.

Layane wished she’d brought a bottle of water with her.

...girl.

Roen suddenly recognises a liquor store, and realises that they're close to where he saw Nicola. Yeah. They've just been walking around.

Walking around for less time than it took Layane and Jezirah to find the Kidnap House in the first book.

Yes, I know, they'd never been to the Kidnap House before, and Roen has been here before, but the guy couldn't even remember which state he was in! I love how selective his memory is.

[Layane] couldn’t imagine Nicola staying in the area they were in. The place didn’t fit the idea of Nicola she had in her mind.

First of all, Layane, you barely know Nicola. Secondly, I don't believe you have any proof that Nicola was staying here for more than a couple of days. Did she tell Roen she lives there? If she did, that would be so stupid I don't even want to look back and check.

Layane asks Roen what Nicola was like, which is fair enough.

“Angry.” [Roen said] “Angry?” “Yeah. At me, because I was following her. She tried to shoot me in the head, remember?” He inhaled deeply from his cigarette. “I think she was bitter.” “What? Why?” “I think she regrets giving you and Clemant up. I don’t think she can see the reason she did it any more, seeing as she never got caught. And the Gever know where you are.”

I mean... yeah. That was pretty stupid. Roen then admits that Nicola never actually told him the last part, he just guessed. Great.

This, for some reason, reminds Layane that Roen used to stalk her, and once again she spends a paragraph angsting about this. While doing so, they reach a little row of shops, and Layane spots a woman who's looking at Roen. The woman seems to be calling out his name...

...

Do we really have time for this?

To confirm, I am speaking to the writer, rather than the characters. The characters obviously cannot help the daft situations I've stuck them into.

Then, [Layane] heard the shout more clearly: “Ben?” So she wasn’t calling “Roen”, but that didn’t change the fact that she was looking over at him.  Roen was looking across the street, apparently oblivious to the girl, so Layane nudged him on the arm. “There’s a girl over there calling you ‘Ben’,” she said.

Roen giving the fake name 'Ben' is really funny to me for some reason. Really put a lot of thought into that one.

“You didn’t call me.” [the girl said] Layane didn’t know whether to be disgusted, or find it hilarious. The girl was quite pretty. She didn’t look the type to want to have anything to do with Roen. Layane quickly concluded that she must have been drunker than he was. “I’m... sorry?” Roen said. He looked puzzled. “I didn’t have a phone anyway, and I...” “I wrote the number on your jacket. You must have seen it.” Layane stepped back a little and watched as Roen tried to pull an explanation out of thin air. He deserved the awkward scene.

Now I'm asking the characters: do we really have time for this?

Also, random girl, if you left your one night stand asleep under a bench, should you really be this shocked when he doesn't call?

Roen splutters an apology, for some reason, and the girl storms off. Layane finds this hilarious.

“She was lovely,” said Layane. “It’s nice to know what you were doing on your ‘holiday’...” Roen’s cheeks were burning. “Forget about that,” he said. He watched the girl leave to make sure she was leaving him alone. “I’ve... I’ve remembered where we are.” “Lead the way, Ben.”

Okay, I actually find this funny, I'll allow it. It is fun to see Roen getting flustered and to suggest that Layane might be a tiny little bit jealous. I assume that's what I'm doing, anyway.

Roen manages to find the alleyway where Nicola accosted him, and points in the direction Nicola went. Because... it turns out Roen watched her enter an apartment building?

“I think she went in there,” Roen said. He was staring up at a tall, grey apartment building. Around each of the windows was a thick, concrete frame; the sun’s glare made it hard to see through the glass. Layane felt the colour leave her face as she looked up at the building.

Did that happen? I know I didn't want to scroll back up to check, but I have to now. I need to know.

...

No mention. Must have been a retcon. We've all been there.

Still, props to past me for actually describing the building!

Looking up at the building, Layane realises she has been dreading this. She doesn't want to confront Nicola, and the idea she might be so close is horrifying.

Good thing she's definitely not going to be there!

On that note, we...

Well...

I guess we're flashing back to the period of time between The Human Spirit and the sequel then, huh. Any reason we couldn't have started earlier?

“There,” [Jezirah] said to the small girl sitting on the other side of the table. “We can play these, but you have to tell me how to because I can’t read the boxes...”

At least Clemant is somewhere safe. And no, I'm not sure why Jezirah can't read the boardgames. I assume they're meant to be from the Upper World (so presumably in English), but Jezirah is literally surrounded by magic that makes her learn anything she focuses on automatically. She should definitely be able to read the boxes.

Jezirah and Clemant are in Geviria, in Jezirah's house. Jezirah realises Clemant isn't enthusiastic about the boardgame, and suggests they go explore Geviria instead.

I was going to make a because that went SO well last time joke, except I'm pretty sure when Layane and Jezirah went exploring against G-slur's wishes, nothing bad came to them because of it. Yeah, Roen was tortured a bit, but he probably would have been tortured anyway, and I'm still slightly unclear if Jezirah knows that happened.

“We have to stay in here. Layane said.” [Clemant said] Jezirah sighed. The reason Layane had told her this was that G-slur didn’t let them out of The Circle. When Layane had stayed with her, they had left and there was a dangerous moment that Layane thought they would get caught. So, she specifically told Jezirah not to leave while she was taking care of her little sister.

I did remember that. Never mind.

Jezirah relents and decides they should stay in, and because nothing interesting is happening, we go straight into a flashback. Yay! So glad we interrupted the Layane and Roen plotline for this.

I'm honest to god starting to picture the characters doing this every time there's a pointless flashback:

It's just over four years ago. No timestamp, which means, of course, we're in Geviria.

She opened her eyes and stared up at the vast, white space. Her mind was empty for a blissful moment.  Then, there was a flash. She shut her eyes tightly as a booming sound erupted in front of her; she attempted to move her hands to protect her face, but her arms were rigid and refused to move. Everything plummeted into her. Different shapes and smells, sounds and colours leapt into her memory. Everything was wild for a moment. Endless thoughts pounded against the empty shell that had been her mind. Her taut limbs began to shake. Panic flooded her as a thousand pieces of information threw themselves at her at once. Words. Pictures. Faces. How to coordinate her stricken limbs into a run. A hazy history of Gever. That’s what she must have been. A Gever. And she lived... in Geviria, which was ruled by four leaders.

OH. Is this finally becoming relevant to the plot? This is horrible! I like it!

As the world materialises in front of Jezirah, she hears a voice. It asks her if she understands, and not only does Jezirah understand, she also knows the voice belongs to G-slur.

“Who are you?” G-slur said.             Her mind blurred for a second. She didn’t know. She just – was. Many things had entered her mind, but nothing had told her who or what she was. Then, there was another bright flash. A clap of sound. It wasn’t as jarring this time, and her mind settled comfortably afterwards. At the front of her mind was a name. Her own name. Now, she knew who she was. “Jezirah,” she said. “My name is Jezirah.”

Again, horrible!

G-slur tells Jezirah to get out of bed and walk towards her. It hurts to move, but Jezirah obeys.

Before she reached G-slur, another sight met her. And for a moment, she didn’t recognize the alien creature in the mirror to be herself. Her skin was taut, red, and sore; it was completely unlike the pale skin of the other Gever. She was very thin, and her elbows jutted out sharply. Instead of having huge wings at her back, all that was there was a patch of infected-looking skin. She wondered if this was normal. Almost immediately, her mind told her not.

I'm not sure why this isn't the entire book.

“What do you remember?” G-slur asked. “Nothing.” “I thought so.” G-slur put one of her hands on Jezirah’s shoulder, and led her from the room. “I’m going to take you to your new home,” she said. “And then, you can meet your subjects.”

How hard would this hit later on, if we saw all this, then found out G-slur was evil? I really fumbled the bag here.

The flashback ends, and we're back with Jezirah and Clemant. Jezirah briefly considers that she had no real life experience before Layane turned up, which makes sense considering she is around four years old. Jezirah thinks about being on the Upper World, feeling useful for the first time in her life.

Useful. Let's recap Jezirah's role in the ending of The Human Spirit:

Went to buy Roen cigarettes and failed to do so

Managed to teleport twice at the hospital

Disappeared after that and went... home?

Kept Layane awake because she was worried about Roen

Ran around town for hours trying to save Roen while yakety sax played in the background

Teleported into the house where Roen was being held

I mean, the teleporting stuff was useful!*

* When she remembered she could do it.

Suddenly, Clemant asks if Jezirah wants to go outside. Jezirah is surprised, seeing as just one flashback ago she was against it. I'm surprised too, to be honest. In between Clemant saying they should stay put and now, there has been zero other dialogue.

Then Clemant asks when Layane is coming back.

Jezirah didn’t know what to say. Layane and Roen had left quickly; possibly G-slur wasn’t letting them leave, but she wasn’t sure. At any rate, they had given her no indication of when they would return. “I don’t know,” said Jezirah. “Come on, let’s go.”

...

'Possibly G-slur wasn't letting them leave'? Didn't she give them passports?

Okay, so I did realise it was weird that G-slur let Layane and Roen go on their little American trip, even as I was writing it. I'm not sure why I didn't amend the plot in light of that, seeing as it wouldn't be too difficult to change it so Elint gave them passports, but oh well.

Jezirah saying 'let's go' was the chapter ending. I'm not sure why I bothered to include all this, seeing as it could have been covered off with a quick reference to Clemant staying with Jezirah in the Layane chapter, maybe with some commentary around how worried Layane is because of Jezirah's age. Obviously I really wanted to include some Jezirah backstory horror and didn't know where else to wedge it, so I put it in a chapter where:

Jezirah suggests a boardgame, but they never actually play one

Jezirah suggests leaving the house, but Clemant says no

Clemant suggests leaving the house (immediately after saying no), but the chapter ends before they do