Myself.

“Never apologize for how you feel. No one can control how they feel. The sun doesn’t apologize for being the sun. The rain doesn’t say sorry for falling. Feelings just are.”

“The hardest part

you are not mine, you never have been. but please tell me if there was a split second where you wanted to be. before you laid eyes on her. before you fell in love with her laugh and they way her body seems to fit right into yours. was there ever a moment when you looked into my eyes and thought “i could love them”?

„Ich hab heute wieder dran gedacht, dass ich mir zu viel Gedanken mach.“

“Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it.”

What hurts is that he was capable of love. Of caring. Of kindness. But I wasn’t good enough or worthy for him or that love.

There will always be days, and that’s okay. There will always be days and that’s okay. There will always be days and that’s okay. There will always be days and that’s okay. There will always be days and that’s okay. There will always be days and that’s okay. There will always be days and that’s okay. There will always be days and that’s okay. There will always be days and that’s okay. There will always be days and that’s okay. There will always be days and that’s okay. You just have to keep going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going, until you can’t and then you just keep fucking going and going and going and going and going and going and going, until you remember who the fuck you are and didn’t forget to search out what your purpose was and even if you don’t have one, you sit there and keep your chin up and you keep moving forward. the purity in your relentlessness, the adoration for life in the way you speak about prospering, the innocence in your heart that you keep hidden away inside of five different chests and keep the key at the bottom of an ocean inside of another chest inside of a blue whale’s stomach, the key? Somewhere in there, you still believe in love. That? That will ever go away. Just like some of those annoying customers that you cannot stand, but still put up with them, albeit holding back a lot of what you really mean to say. Just like that same pair of wonderful human beings who you absolutely love because they have a healthy relationship because of the way she laughs and looks at him, some things are real. Even if it’s frail and weak and easily torn apart, there are things far stronger than a bad day, so don’t let it ruin your whole entire day because of a segment. Treat it like a verse or part of a song that you always skip past. You know it’s coming up, just mute it until it’s over and listen to the rest of it. I promise, the chorus will always hit different when you’re least expecting it, so shuffle your playlist like how some people try to shuffle your emotions and it’s going to be okay. There will always be bad days and that’s okay. Sometimes we stutter, fall apart and repeat ourselves. Sometimes we just say fuck it and just keep going. But there’s one thing that’s true. We all must do it. There’s power in repetition. There’s power in failures. Success is just a word, it’s an accumulation of failures. You will manifest all that you desire. Even if today doesn’t look like much and yeah, you might have a hangover and yeah, you probably feel like shit. But no matter what, you’re still you and no one can ever take that away. Define you to its pinnacle and no one can ever define it for you. They can only watch the brilliance that breathes like the first breath that was ever taken when we finally stood up for ourselves. There’s no shame in going backwards. Sometimes we can take a few steps back, just to admire the bigger picture. A single moment of your life doesn’t define you. You are composed of many nights. You are composed of many songs. You are composed of many poems. You are poetry. The lyrics, the emotions, the movement of waves as the sound of the ocean seems to speak to you as you’re laying on the beach and daydreaming and then you realize, you know? It’s not so bad. Shit, at least I got to breathe today. My limbs still work… My brain is functional to a point… I still feel the basic emotions… This poem is nice… Yeah. It’s not so bad… you know? Sometimes we just have to take a step back and really soak it all in. Really try to see what’s in front of you. Really be conscious about existing inside of your own skin without worry that you’re just some freak show. Don’t worry. Everything will be as it should be. Roses are red, violets are blue. If you’re not dead, well… shit… you’re definitely still you. haha

““He was my crack. I could never get enough, and when I had him I was already thinking about when I could have him next.” - Tarryn Fisher”

God grant me the serenity

“I’m stuck between “I really want to talk to you.” and “I really need to get over you.””

“It’s hurtful, when you’re always fighting for the one you wish would one day fight for you. Sometimes you just want to feel irreplaceable.”

“There are nights I lay in bed, hoping for a miracle to occur, hoping for you to light up my phone screen. That hope is what is slowly killing me. I live on every single day yet I am dead on the inside; I am not living, just surviving. I fight the voices and I fight the demons in my head, they’re whispering, telling me how much more people would like me if I had just died, reminding me of how much of a failure I was. There were nights I needed your reassurance, condolence, love and for you to sit and fight with me, but I never asked. I would never ask. I would not burden you. My love for you grew every day, I was aware of how much it was draining me and I was aware of how much it killed me every single day, but it was okay. It was okay because I chose you over myself, to have you was worth the pain. I saw the world so brightly in your crystal green eyes which burnt so vibrantly, but not tonight. Tonight I will chose myself, I will fight alone, I will hope for a life where I do not have to be dependent upon somebody, who makes me feel badly for being this way. Tonight, I will fight alone and I will love myself.”

“I think of you so often you have no idea.”