Things My Dad Says

Tessaract... is the tessaract a dinosaur?

I think the only reason beets are on this earth is so you can tell when you’re getting old.

The benefit is, if anyone upsets you you can just drive over them

Sooner or later it will happen, you’ll get into a situation where you have to drive over someone’s foot

“You’re not married to Costco Anita”

Yeah man, it’s weird if someone wanted to lose weight you could just make them those brownies and they wouldn’t eat them.

Dad: We don’t have the right ropes

You can't even look into his eyes and beg for mercy... ol robocop

Sharon I need you to write a letter to the pizza place and tell them how upset we are about what they did to the shoes.

It’s like it was crossed with a fish

Ummm pig on fire

Dad: Who do you think you stupid machine

We don’t need a TON of meat beings that we’re vegan.

‘Cause then everyone would be like “oh yeah” chucking full heads of cabbage out the window.