i don’t know how i made it this far

the way you said my name

the way our eyes always found each others.

no matter how many people were in the room.

I want to be honest

I think this will be my first time being truly honest about how I feel.

I say I'm not looking for love because I'm afraid I'll never find it. I'm afraid no one will ever look at me and think, "I want to spend the rest of my life with her."

I'm afraid that someone will think that. And then maybe days, months, or years, down the road realize they don't actually want to be attached to me for the rest of their days.

I'm afraid that the moment I actually start looking for something, you'll finally realize I've been right in front of you all these years.

I'm afraid to miss my chance with you.

I've sat by and waited years for the day you looked at me and thought, "I want to spend the rest of my life with her."

That day has yet to come.

I've felt drawn to you for so long, it's always felt so right. but it's also been so painful, it’s becoming unbearable.

I try so hard to not think of you.

But that feels impossible when I see you in so many things that I do.

You're in the music I listen to.

In the shows I watch

You're in the books on my shelves.

You're in the half-burnt candles on my desk.

Your influence is still seen in the headphones I buy.

dammit.

You're even in the way I tie my fucking shoes.

You've been in the way I tie my shoes since I was 17.

Everything reminds me of you.

How is it not love when your socks are in my drawer and mine are in yours, a total mismatch of us.

You have become so entwined in my life that there is no way to cleanly cut you out.

The spaces between the parts of you I carry and what is actually me are so closely knit that not even the most well-trained surgeon could use a scalpel to separate them.

At least not without damaging everything around them.

The holes you would leave would have me bleeding out.

Because you're in everything.

fuck you.

When you see my favorite book still sitting on your bookshelf.

When you hear my favorite songs.

When you go back to the places we once shared with each other.

You must be reminded of me every once in a while.

I stop and think about you every once in a while.

When I order my coffee the way we used to.

When I hear songs you showed me.

When I look at my empty passenger seat and see a shadow of you in it.

I'm reminded of you every once in a while.

We spent so much time peeling back the layers of each other, in the purest way.