InTheMoment89

I wished that things could last forever. They don’t. Nothing does. So I sit and let the tides of time wash away everything I’ve ever loved.

What kills me the most each day is knowing that a piece of me will always love you. I look back on us as the beautiful tragedy. I’m unsure of which was worse; falling in or out of love?

The tapping against the window pane tells me about the rainfall outside. I peer through it and think back to simpler times. The puddles I’d jump in soaking through my shoes. Looking up to the sky and feeling the droplets on my face. The smell of wet concrete and earth. I always loved the rain. Nature will always hold a special place in my heart. It was my first love and my childhood could be summed up as enjoying it through every season. I can’t remember the last day of my childhood. How I took it for granted not knowing it would be my last. I step outside and embrace the rain. My spirit reminds me that my youth never faded. I just muted it as I got older. I take a deep breath and close my eyes; that familiar smell of saturated earth is comforting nostalgia.

There is this bridge I look to over the water. I watch the sunset fade from crimson and cotton candy pink into a lilac running into the clouds. I’d wish to replicate it somehow. Above the city I see the sun rest into the shadows and lead the night unto me. The light pollution doesn’t leave much scenery in terms of stargazing. However, I look at the shimmering river reflect the moonlight. This scene I see almost everyday. Always finding something new I hadn’t particularly noticed before. Somehow I feel like this river is myself. Flowing in constance, under the bridge. Carrying cargo, the occasional free bird. The day is wild and colorful and the night still beautifully admired. I flow in all directions seeking something more than this bridge. I flow in all directions in search of scenes like this.

-E.L.A

I believe caring for someone who doesn’t give a fuck about me is what hurts most. They set me on fire and wished me the best. I walked away with scars; persistent memories. No matter how harmful things got, I endured the pain. I wanted to stop. I wish I didn’t give into the manipulation and being brought down to feel like I was less than nothing. I still feel depleted, worthless. I still wear these scars as reminders to see how love can change you in the worst of ways. How it can sometimes make you fear falling again just to avoid the suffering. I used to be so hopeful, optimistic; a dreamer. Now I can only come up with reasons to avoid developing feelings, hope, and caring for someone profoundly. They tear you apart and leave you broken and tell you to take care. I’ll take care in choosing someone who really deserves what I gave to you. You threw it away like it was disposable; a commodity. Maybe you’ll look back and realize just how rare my love really was. Take care.

One day I hope you figure it out. Although, deep down I know you never will. So I laugh and look away because your pride blinds even me.

I wish I didn’t have these dreams. Chasing your fading arms. Staring into your blank expression. Desperately trying to hold on but failing every time. You fade to nothing as I open my eyes and sadness is by my side. I wish I could turn back time. So I can feel the way I once did. In angst, flashbacks of lighter times seem so far away. In darkness, I’ve been consumed. Trying to grasp onto the little hope of happiness that remains; somewhere there’s a spark. I guess the one wish I really hope to come true is to find something more tangible to look forward to. Most of everything I want to change is far out of reach. I can only do so much and simply wishing hasn’t brought my deepest desires into fruition. I just wish things were different. I wish I was happy.