#inthemoment89

I wished that things could last forever. They don’t. Nothing does. So I sit and let the tides of time wash away everything I’ve ever loved.

What kills me the most each day is knowing that a piece of me will always love you. I look back on us as the beautiful tragedy. I’m unsure of which was worse; falling in or out of love?

There is this bridge I look to over the water. I watch the sunset fade from crimson and cotton candy pink into a lilac running into the clouds. I’d wish to replicate it somehow. Above the city I see the sun rest into the shadows and lead the night unto me. The light pollution doesn’t leave much scenery in terms of stargazing. However, I look at the shimmering river reflect the moonlight. This scene I see almost everyday. Always finding something new I hadn’t particularly noticed before. Somehow I feel like this river is myself. Flowing in constance, under the bridge. Carrying cargo, the occasional free bird. The day is wild and colorful and the night still beautifully admired. I flow in all directions seeking something more than this bridge. I flow in all directions in search of scenes like this.

-E.L.A

I believe caring for someone who doesn’t give a fuck about me is what hurts most. They set me on fire and wished me the best. I walked away with scars; persistent memories. No matter how harmful things got, I endured the pain. I wanted to stop. I wish I didn’t give into the manipulation and being brought down to feel like I was less than nothing. I still feel depleted, worthless. I still wear these scars as reminders to see how love can change you in the worst of ways. How it can sometimes make you fear falling again just to avoid the suffering. I used to be so hopeful, optimistic; a dreamer. Now I can only come up with reasons to avoid developing feelings, hope, and caring for someone profoundly. They tear you apart and leave you broken and tell you to take care. I’ll take care in choosing someone who really deserves what I gave to you. You threw it away like it was disposable; a commodity. Maybe you’ll look back and realize just how rare my love really was. Take care.

When it's black and burnt and keeps you up at night. You're shaky with anxiety. The bad taste it leaves in your mouth only makes you want it more. It's bittersweet, a broken heart. So leave some room for cream.

I’m looking for something hard to find. So simple and rare. If I could see just by the way they stare and tell me what they’re willing to bare. Someone who is affectionate and kisses me like their tongue burns as passion set. Never ending, enjoying one another. No escape routes coordinated, no feelings withered, lost, or faded. Just a strong bond and commitment. I’ve looked for so long, I’m afraid to admit it. I don’t need them to feel more from myself, but it’d be nice to share some books on my shelf. What I want most isn’t material. I just want a lifelong friend. A love that has no end.

My life, much like everyone else’s, is a constant battle with myself. Finding balance, even when I knock myself down or when I allow others to do so. It can sometimes feels like a paradox. I feel great like I can take on the world. Then, I fail and wonder why I even try. I remind myself that happiness doesn’t always come easy. Life truly is what you make it. It can be cruel, sad, and miserable. Or it can be blissful, serendipitous, and beautiful. It’s all in your perception and how you choose to live your days. Although, it’s hard to live the mind-over-matter way, we must choose our battles and seek optimism. Even when we’re not feeling hopeful. I’m in this constant conflict, but I always prevail.

I wish I didn’t have these dreams. Chasing your fading arms. Staring into your blank expression. Desperately trying to hold on but failing every time. You fade to nothing as I open my eyes and sadness is by my side. I wish I could turn back time. So I can feel the way I once did. In angst, flashbacks of lighter times seem so far away. In darkness, I’ve been consumed. Trying to grasp onto the little hope of happiness that remains; somewhere there’s a spark. I guess the one wish I really hope to come true is to find something more tangible to look forward to. Most of everything I want to change is far out of reach. I can only do so much and simply wishing hasn’t brought my deepest desires into fruition. I just wish things were different. I wish I was happy.