dive into me.

so life is getting kind of hard right now for me and i just want to talk about it here. i don’t think any of my followers know me in real life so this is fine.

allegations about one of my favorite bands (sorority noise) came to light and the lead signer is being accused of rape. however, the situation described when he raped his partner are almost identical to what someone had done to me in august. however, the guy in my scenario was a little more forceful and i never thought of it as rape until reading how people are responding to this. even i responded horribly, and i totally think that he deserves the scrutiny that he’s getting. however, i didn’t even realize that the same thing happened to me and i didn’t react to it at all.

along with this, this boy i had been talking to and kind of hooking up with (i talked about him in a recent post) had also did something similar to me. instead of fucking me when i was asleep, it was when i was obviously black out drunk and passing out. i only know about it because he “bragged” about fucking me for 10 minutes without cumming when i didn’t remember a single detail of it. i no longer am talking to him for now.

so basically, in my life right now i am dealing with coming to terms that i am a rape victim, of two accounts. i really don’t like to think of myself as any sort of victim, but these things happened to me and they’re not going away. 

similar things happened to me when jesse lacey allegations came to light and repressed memories of sexual assault / harassment when i was 11 suddenly came up. jesse lacey was accused of coercing minors on the internet (like AIM chats and whatnot) and sending them pictures of his dick, etc. this also happened to me when i was in middle school. i was going through a really rough time in my life (my parents getting divorced, my grandmother getting sick from brain cancer), so having any sort of friend was good. this just kinda led me to believe this random 20 year old guy would be around for me if i told him how good his dick looked. he knew i was as young as i was, so he was not innocent at all. 

when news about lacey broke out, it was really rough for me. however, these cam accusations are even worse. i’ve already come to terms that i was sexually abused via the internet as an 11 year old, but now do i have to come to terms with the fact that i was raped?

i can feel myself rapidly getting worse and worse, and i’m trying really hard to not panic every time i think about this. i’ve had to leave work and other various public places because of these panic attacks. i don’t know, it’s just getting really bad. i’m not sure what to do. i just feel numb half the time, and then i feel everything at once the other half. 

i talked to my friend heath about all of these events, so i do have a support system. he’s supportive and understanding and lets me talk when i need to, and he also helps me up when he sees me spiraling and doesn’t let me get too out of control. he’s a good friend, but he can’t fix everything that’s going on with me and i know that and he knows that. 

i don’t feel in danger of suicide or anything, but the thoughts are kind of coming back up. i just feel very used and i always thought i’d be strong enough to get myself out of these situations. however, i didn’t even realize they were happening to me at the time. is that how fucked up my view of sex and love is?