iridescence

I want answers. On what is real and why the weather insists on turning so suddenly. I wonder if I’ll ever grow accustomed to change. Or maybe it’s just accepting that I can’t change the hearts and minds of anyone except myself.

After not being allowed out of melbourne since March, andtrying and failing to be able to return to me homestate and see family and friends twice thiz year, I managed to get away for Christmas. And it felt so good and I was so looking forward to it and for a few days it was good, to see my dad and family again. And then my sister turned up and it all went to shit. I don’t know why this always happens She’s okay in small doses. But we are just so different and I’ve accepted this already but it still doesn’t make it any easier when she’s here and I have to live with her and every sentence is a double edged sword of passive aggressiveness. I don’t try to let it affect me but it wears me down and then my dad and my sister and me are at each other’s throats and the whole experience gets cast into a grey cloud of unpleasantness. So now I’m sitting here and wishing for something I didn’t think I would feel - I just want to be back in Melbourne. I want to get away from here and all the drama and unhappiness because it always seems to happen and I thought maybe it wouldn’t this time, because it’s been so long and I’d just be so relieved to be back but it happened again. And I think maybe I knew it would, or had a creeping suspicion, and I think in better circumstances I’d have only stayed half the amount of time so there wasn’t enough time for the negativity to fester. But it has been so long and I don’t know how long it will be until I get to come here again. Flights are much harder to come by when you have to travel through two states and full-time work makes it harder to just choose a random day you want to go home on. So I’m trying to be happy for the rest of my time here, but I fear I am failing and I just really want to sleep in my own bed and try to start over, in a new year, that I’m dreading, honestly, because I just don’t know how things are ever going to get anny better, after being so bad for so long, it feels like all I’ll know, and I don’t care how dramatic that sounds because I am so upset and so scared and I just don’t want my heart to hurt, or to be alone again.

How do you be okay with seeing someone you used to love - yet who treated you terribly - be happy and in love with someone else now that he’s a better person? How is that fair

How do you move on. I’m scared that I’ll never win out over my jealousy and I’ll see you everywhere longing always telling myself it should be me. But I guess I know it’s not meant for us.

Every time I’m sad crying in bed and I grab my bunny I’m reminded how lucky I am. I remember how I never packed my bunny when I moved away from home and it wasn’t until I went back home that dad was cleaning the house and found the bunny and made me take it back with me. I’m so appreciative of how loved I am. Just little things. Even though I feel so alone

I don’t want to move on But things aren’t okay. I’m really not okay. I didn’t want you to leave, But you’ve been missing for a while now. And I tried waiting. Tried to be better, Wanted us to be better, together. I tried, and it wasn’t enough. I am useless and worthless. I want to scream and cry because it hurts so bad. I am so sad. But I won’t give up. I can’t, even now. I still want this. I want the person I knew back. It’s all I want. All of my eyelash wishes are you. And I’ll wait forever, Just please come back.

I stopped writing because of the sadness.

I’ve still got scabs in my scalp and I don’t know what the future is going to bring for me And I hate it I’ll never learn to live with that

nights like this I just need something of home I have plenty here with me but it’s somehow just not enough to fill the hole I’ll work over it. I know it will be okay but right now I feel very conflicted and uncertain and it’s shit this doesn’t make sense and it’s shit a bad day when all I want is to strive

I can never die Like that but I am so sad

reading back on old stories and getting emotional and crying because fuck i made that and I'm proud for once of something

Waiting for a rainbow, too afraid to begin

When I look to my left and see the bedside drawer that holds capsular cyanide, I just feel exhausted. I know it’s not right. Mostly I’m just too tired to do anything about the fact. I’m too tired to change anything at all. Because I can feel the weight of a thousand responsibilities crashing together in my head but I don’t know how to appease them. . . (25)

and I had a phrase for it, but now I don’t. Maybe it’s just a big black void of depression and darkness. Something is looming and I can feel it even though a- 17 and 23 is 6 days too early b- 6 isn’t anything special. It’s not significant, so why am I hurting and will it be as bad as it feels it’s going to be? Because I don’t know if I want to do this again. I’ve been okay, for the most part, because that’s what life demands, even in heaviness. (if it’s required) I want to hurt, but I don’t want the numbness. no pity; just let my silence lap at my ankles, and I’ll sit in the water and trace the tops with fingertips.ill be okay soon enough.

I feel sticky. I'm capturing to latch onto things I don't know what to do with. Usually the smell of warm laundry is comforting and homely. The pacing is a pendulum. I'm trying too hard. Sometimes it feels easier to let it all evaporate. Give me darkness and I'll try again, I suppose, I have to.

It feels like a flaw, but maybe it's not meant to. Am I normal? Or just an individual who only cares about herself?