Inside-Out

Three Years.

wow. Three years ago on this day was the worst day of my life. I relive it all the time... I'll always feel sorry. guilty. I didn't wake up and you needed me. I wonder what you'd be doing right now. It's just past 7:30. You wouldn't have texted me yet. Are you in my room? are you trying to wake me up? I'm here now. I'm awake. I want a re-do. I want to be here. I want to save you. I want us to be together. I want my family back. We are struggling without you, Dad. We Need you. 

PLEASE DON"T LEAVE ME 

I'm doing better than the past years...hopefully noone is hunting. Mom was wondering why I didn't sleep with her last night. I just need to be here in case you come. I need a sign. I need to retrace my steps...I wear the same shirt every year. I sleep in my room. I don't come home too late the night before. The only difference is NOW I'M AWAKE. I set alarms so I don't miss you. I stay up most the night wondering about you.

Should I go down there...? I'm scared to. But maybe you will be there. I need you, Dad. I'm better, sure, but that doesn't dismiss the fact that I love you and miss you every single day.

a couple nights ago I finally had a dream that I was in our old house. It was the four of us and we were just sitting in the living room relaxing. Everything was how it should be. We were just being a family. Laughing and talking. And there was a knock on the door and someone came to deliver the Yellowpages to us. And he helped himself through the door, wandered around, and then left. It was strange. But it was so nice to be happy in that moment.

Before that dream I had a bad one. The only part I really remember now is walking outside down a sidewalk past some stores. And I had a friend ahead of me on the sidewalk. They dropped something or stopped to look at something on the ground. And they were laughing so I was curious as to what it was. but when i got there I was triggered. The pieces on the ground looked like the pieces I Saw. I fell to my knees screaming and crying out of control. In public. It was horrifying. And nobody understood. 

Yesterday was all good and fun until I was triggered at the end of the day. Our cape buffalo "escaped" from it's pen and I was in the parking lot as I watched two men with rifles running into one of the zoo vans. Guns really just disturb the hell out of me. I can't see them without feeling sick to my stomach. The zoo was on lockdown for like 15 minutes and I couldn't leave. I had to act like I was totally chill. Now don't get me wrong--the situation wasn't scary. It was just seeing those guns in real life. In person. Once the all-clear was given and I got in my car I lost control. I cried most of the way home. It's been a very long time since I've cried like that. 

I'm getting nervous about being home. About That Day. It's coming and I just don't want it to. Can I just skip it. I am so scared. I always relive it. And on That day I relive it completely.