My thoughts about Kakashi reading smut and his pain.
So as we all know Kakashi loves to read smut in public or at home, it doesn't matter he reads it everywhere. And of course when those beautiful people write fanfics about him it's always mentioned somehow. I thought about the fact that Kakashi never really had someone. He was never able to show his love because of all the people he lost. He was never with anyone he could really show love so the only way to receive it or to feel lust is to read those books. I think there is a scene where he reads one of those books (i guess not for the first time) and he reads it through the night till it was morning. Most of the time he is alone spending time with only himself and he reads those books to get a little bit of love, he likes it when those people are lovely and intimate to each other, that's his only way cause he can't let anyone inside his heart not because he doesn't want to but he is just unable to do so the pain stops him. And maybe because of the fact that the pain stops him he thinks love is a waste of time but it's not to others, he's happy for all those people around him finding love but for him and his ninja way it's just a waste of time and pain, something he knows a lot about and he doesn't need more of it so he's letting nobody inside and keeps them on distance as well. In the end love, to him, is only a fairytale something you can read in a book. A beautiful dream that will never happen to him cause he can't let it happen
Also imagine waking up every single night multiple times because of everything you went through. He is exhausted and full of pain. I believe that he sometimes even stays awake when he feels like not being able to handle this pain at night. Maybe he's also reading the whole night because he's avoiding sleep. Imagine to not find any peace even in your sleep where you normally relax and process things. I also believe he's not always eating properly and trying to distract himself with whatever he can, sport, reading, daydreaming until his subconscious reminds him. Imagine you want people around you because you have friends and you want company and on the other hand you don't want anyone to get too close.
But he lives with it cause he's the only one being able to handle it.. somehow. He's strong as fuck.
