I wish I could say that the day my son was born was the best day of my life, but I canβt. I love him and nothing about it makes me love him less. I just canβt come to terms with it. I had to have a c section and that is so hard to live with. I feel so much less of a woman because of it. It is not fair that so many woman I know got to have their babies naturally. i hate myself and I hate that I wasnβt good enough to have my child delivered vaginally. I didnβt get to deliver my baby, it was just taken out of me from a cut in my stomach. I didnβt get to hold my baby for ONE HOUR after he was born. I didnβt get to βgive birthβ or have skin to skin after like so many mothers do. and i know that there are woman that have had it way worse and I should be happy that I have a happy and healthy baby, but my suffering is not lesser because there is worse out there. I am happy to have a healthy baby, i am just not happy with how things went. itβs not fair that my sister whom had a baby one week before me, got to deliver vaginally. I keep thinking back on everything that happened and what couldβve been done for things to be different. Why did I push for five and a half hours to just be cut open?! Why did my womanhood get ripped away from me? because my water was broken to soon? because the doctor made me start pushing before I was 10 centimeters? My other sister told me to embrace my birth story and I CANT. Iβm not trying to be stubborn but it really freaking sucks. I canβt accept it and βembraceβ it. I canβt do anything except think of all the different things i can do in my next pregnancy to prevent myself from having a c section. i will push a baby out because I wonβt settle. iβd rather die while pushing my baby out than to have to live through another c section. My doctor told me that next time i should just schedule a c section! NO way that is happeneing! How can you say that to somebody?! I will not do that and I will probably have to get a different doctor or a midwife for next time. A ton of things that day didnβt go my way but that is the line that I canβt cross again. Not to mention that my body is so fucking ugly. I have to work hard to get it back but SO many other woman get to bounce back. My stretch marks are atrocious and I see so many other moms that didnβt have any in their entire pregnancy! Why did I get the worst of it all. I love my baby and I wouldnβt trade him for anything. I donβt blame him for anything and he is my life, but I will not embrace it. someone get me a therapist to fix my way of thinking, or prepare for my actions in my next pregnancy. And donβt expect my crying and bitching over this to go away, ever.
