insanehuman

You watch me while I sleep, and you linger behind me when I’m awake. You are my darkness, my light, my death. I’m too scared to open my eyes, but keep them closed for too long, and a part of me dies. My skull too broken to feel anything after the pain you’ve given me. My forehead covered in the times I’ve tried to forget you. My eyes too tired to cry, turned almost grey, losing color, losing life. How long will I live like this I ask you? You’ve given me nothing and everything, you are the worst part of me. 

How did you get inside my head? Why can’t you let me go? You are my nightmare, my horror, my debt, my safety net. You make me wish that I was dead, but even then it’s not enough. You won’t give me the satisfaction of ridding you, so you reel me in with you comfort. You wrap me in the arms that I wish from another.

You stand there smiling as I’m chained up in my thoughts. My knuckles are broken, my arms are shattered, why hasn’t anyone told me that I mattered? You laugh at my sadness, kick me down at my happiness, you don’t let anyone get close to me without revealing my true darkness. My face wrapped in tape, keeping my smile bright, my eyes wide and my thoughts behind me. You sit above my shoulders directing every move, I am your puppet, your servant, a pawn in your little game.

You drag my lifeless body to the shower, making sure that I lie quietly. Letting the water run cold, giving me a glimpse of hope of how it’ll feel when this ends. I can’t run, I can’t hide. But I’m happy that the is one. As you push my hair aside, you look at me with a smile, you whisper “fuck you”, close my eyes, and crawl back inside. You linger behind them, forcing me to look at where I truly stand. I can’t escape you. I’m so close to turning it all off, so why am I so fucking scared?

Why can’t you leave me alone? Why can’t you see what you’ve done? Isn’t it enough seeing me like this? Broken, lonely, and tired of waiting. You cake my face in makeup, making sure that I look the part. Making sure no one truly knows, that this is your art. To pretend, to laugh, to giggle, to smile. To dowse myself in alcohol, so you won’t be around for a while.