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me getting into bed every night since watching the sandman, trying to get dicked down by the lord of dreams

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Nightshade
Chapter 29 | Chapter 31
Chapter 30: Bah Humbug
TW: As always: the tw does contain spoilers! This fic has language, mentions of drugs and alcohol, sex, nudity, general mentions of violence, past abuse, and soooo on. This week on Nightshade (said in Lena's voice) đ§ (yeah, that's right im keeping this in from now on cause I think its funny sue me! đ) It's Christmas bitches! And with Christmas comes a whole lot of trauma for one of our idiots! đ But, this time I'll keep it light, I swear! We've got lots of grumpy Jake, more Harrow Christmas traditions, Santa movies, decorations, and so much fluff it'll probably cure something inside you. This chapter was a little rushed, so I apologize if it's not my best! I hope you all enjoy the fluff and sweetness anyway, though!
Jake hated Christmas. He'd decided for sure that he hated it when he was thirteen years old, listening to Simone argue with her parents while he tried not to listen in. It never helped. Even as the years passed and he'd grown to tune out most things, those yearly holiday fights were never something he could ignore.
He hated how angry Simone sounded, how hurt he knew she was. Moreso, he hated how cold she'd get after it all was said and done. Even if she climbed into his bed afterward, it felt different⊠angry and harsh, nothing like how he actually liked spending time with her. He might've been able to enjoy it a little if her eyes didn't look at him the same way they looked at her father⊠like he was nothing - less than nothing.
And so, each and every year, the annual trip to Cape Cod loomed over his head and made every single second of that week before Christmas a frozen hell.
Lena had been staying with him for almost a full week, and Jake had enjoyed every moment of it. True to her word, she walked around naked for the vast majority of her stay. The sex was amazing, so were the hot showers with her curled into him, and the not-so-shitty breakfasts they'd make together each morning. It was remarkable, to him at least, just how enjoyable the most mundane of things were when she was around. Folding laundry, feeding the cat, even just the morning usual of standing in front of the mirror and sluggishly brushing his teeth, turned into something he looked forward to just to see her standing in front of him, making the weirdest faces at herself as she brushed her teeth or did her makeup.
As Christmas got closer and closer, however, Jake could feel himself and all the joy he'd accumulated over the week shriveling up. He'd get snippy at random bullshit, or quiet in the midst of a conversation when something she'd said hit just a little too close to those old memories he didn't like to dig up. And, worst of all, Lena noticed.
She didn't draw any attention to it, and she certainly didn't let it ruin their time together. No matter how snippy Jake got with her, Lena let it roll right off her shoulder. She dished it back too, not letting whatever it was eating away at him change how she interacted in the slightest. It was what he'd done for her, and so, he rationalized that it made sense that she'd reciprocate. Still, it felt⊠weird. Not good or bad, just⊠different in a way he didn't quite understand.
And that was what had made him snippy on that particular morning. He'd said something half-rude, and she'd laughed and replied with her own half-rude remark. That feeling festered in his chest, twisting and turning in him like a snake trying to wrap around his ribcage and measure just how much effort it'd take to swallow him whole.
She sat on the edge of the couch while he lay on the bed, blowing bubbles she'd pulled from somewhere in her purse in his direction. It was like she didn't have a care in the world and, worse, he could feel himself drawn to join her. In every childish moment she created, every second of weird, impulsive fun that she summoned into his apartment, Jake wanted more than anything to stop being so mad and so bitter and just do it with her.
What is this? He questioned, squinting at her as if she'd suddenly grown two heads. What are you doing to me?
*
Jake had been in a mood since Monday. Not always, but often enough that it'd become obvious the coming holiday held some kind of stress he didn't want to think about. So, I'd done the only thing I could think to do to offset him. Emulate Dad.
My dad had a knack for making even the shrewdest of holiday bitches find some Christmas cheer, his evil ex-wife notwithstanding. Dad would pull out all the stops just to get one good laugh or smile. Hot cocoa, breakfast for every meal, ice cream for dinner, sugar cookies, anything and everything he could think of.Â
So, I'd started slowly introducing some things of my own. Random dance parties in Jake's tiny apartment. Hemingway in my arms, I'd twist and shout and try to get him to dance with us. Nothing. Movies. Christmas, not Christmas, anything I could think Jake would find funny, I popped into his VCR. Not a single grin. Finger painting was a long shot. And after I'd spilled glitter all over his couch, I kind of understood why he didn't wanna hop in and join Hem and me in our activity. My final resort had been the bubbles buried in my bag, an inside joke between Quinn and me, and a drag queen in Queens.
Stream after stream of shimmering rainbow bubbles flew into his face as he moped in bed. And stream after stream, his expression never changes. Well, I wouldn't say never. His brows drew tighter together after the fourth blow. I blew another stream of bubbles his way. "Come on, jerk, be thirteen with me for like five minutes?"
âYouâre awfully chipper,â he groaned instead. âThought you hated December.â
âI never said I hated December. The beginning of itâs just always a bit of a shit show. BuuuuttâŠâ I blew another bubble, longer this time. âAfter that, itâs not so bad.â
Jake scoffed. âAgree to disagree.â
âNot a Christmas guy?â
âNo.â
I turned my head and looked over at him, still in bed, staring up at the ceiling with that blank expression I recognized in an instant. The far-off look, the way his brows knitted together ever so slightly⊠Christmas must be Jakeâs shit show. After a moment of quiet, where Iâd quickly put the cap on my bubbles to keep Hemingway from spilling it, I flopped down onto his chest and curled up on top of him.
Jakeâs arms eventually wrapped around me. âSo, youâre like the Grinch?â
âWhat?â
âYou know, you hate the Whos and Christmas, and your hearts three sizes too small?â
He finally chuckled. âYeah, Iâm notorious for my chronically small heart.â
Pushing myself up to stare down at him, I smiled. âWell, howâs about we fix it then?â
Jakeâs hands squeezed my hips as his eyes shamelessly drifted down my chest. âYou wanna play Operation?â
I rolled my eyes. âI wanna help you not have such a sucky attitude.â
âOh, I can think of a few ways you can help me with that.â
âNo,â I teased, slapping his hands away as they began drifting up. âNot like that.â
He frowned. âWhy not?â
ââCause I said so.â I stood up and began pulling on my clothes, much to Jakeâs dismay. âGet dressed, eat, do whatever shit you gotta now.â
With a sigh, Jake glared at me from the bed. âWhat are we doing?â
âWe are going to make your heart grow three sizes!â I replied, pressing a kiss to his pouty lips. âNow, hurry up.â
*
It was cold and snowing as they stepped out of his apartment and into the insanity that was the week before Christmas in New York. Even though he thought it was stupid, Jake took one look at Lena as she lifted her head to the sky and stuck her tongue out to try to catch a snowflake, at her blinding smile and infectious laugh, and instantly thought it was all worth it.Â
I would have liked being thirteen a lot more if I'd have known you then, he thought, but didn't dare utter aloud. Lena glanced back at him, and in that way of hers, he could tell she just knew. Her smile softened, and her hand reached out and took hold of his, an answer of her own shining in those green eyes he loved so much.Â
Me too.
She pulled him off into the crowd, and even though Jake hated this stupid holiday, he felt excited all the same. How could he not? It was her, leading him off on some adventure, holding his hand in hers and talking to him like he deserved to know all the little details about her life - about what this holiday meant to her. And Jake listened to every single word, absorbing it and filing it away with the rest of his "important Lena information".Â
They were in the first hideous store, and he pushed the cart all the while she piled thing after thing inside it. After the tenth Christmas decoration, he sighed. "Is this really necessary?"
Lena glanced over her shoulder at him, placing two more things in the cart. "Duh."
"You know, if Simone were here, she'd insist that all this is way too gaudy."
"Do you think it's too gaudy?" She asked, turning to look at him.
It wasn't a judgmental look, more a curious one. Jake shrugged. "I dunno. I'm not exactly the expert on all this Christmas finery."
She shook her head and laughed at him, picking up a snowglobe of the city to admire it. "My dad was. Every year, he'd outdo himself like it was a god damn competition. Lights, trees, reindeer, he'd even dress up like Santa and walk around the bar taking everyone's Christmas orders."
For the first time all day, Jake felt like she'd actually surprised him. "You really do love this shit, don't you?"
Lena smiled, trying to shrug off his honest observation. "I dunno. Christmas⊠It has its own foul memories, but my dad always found a way to make it⊠better."
"You like Christmas," he mumbled. "I never woulda guessed that."
"Oh, shut it." She put another three boxes in the cart. "Like you're so mysterious with your bad boy hates Christmas bullshit."
"Hey," he pretended to take offense. "I am mysterious."
"Like a cheap magician at a children's party."
 He made a face and pointed at something ahead of them, shifting her focus just enough for him to quietly add the snowglobe to the cart. He'd pretend to know nothing if she asked in the checkout line. Maybe he'd even claim a magician did it, just to see her laugh some more.
Seven stores and five hundred bags later, Jake followed Lena back to the apartment and dropped everything the second the door opened. "Careful!" She hissed, pinching his arm. "You'll break Santa's workshop!"
"How will he extort the elves without his sweatshop!" He deadpanned.
"You're hilarious, grumpy grinch." Lena dug through the pet store bag and held the Christmas sweaters up to Hemingway. "Ready to try again, little guy?"
He hissed and glared at Jake
"Sorry, Hem, I shoulda left the door open for you to escape through."
Lena rolled her eyes and dug out the catnip. "I'll make it worth your while."
Jake chuckled and watched her slowly approach the tiny cat as if it were a mountain lion. "Wasn't last time enough of a lesson?"
"Shh," she whispered. "I'm cat whispering."
Five scratches and one shredded cat sweater later, Jake sat down on the couch with Hemingway hiding between his feet. "Maybe you should leave the cat whispering to Peter."
"Funny," she replied, emptying out the first bag of little Christmas decorations. "Now, help me make your apartment more festive."
"Why did I agree to this?" He groaned.
She snuggled into his chest, practically shoving the little house into his hands. "Because I'm adorable and super convincing."
With a bat of her lashes, Jake couldn't even bring himself to pretend to be mad. "Maybe."
Lena lifted herself up and kissed him softly. "Lose the attitude, and I might be adorable and super convincing naked."
"Where do you want this?" He asked, holding up the house.
She smiled. "You're a photographer, use your special eyes to find a good spot."
*
I stared at the apartment. It looked good, or more festive at least. The little snowflakes hung from the ceiling, sparkling in the light. The wreath was hung on the door, and the small Christmas knick-knacks were scattered perfectly throughout the apartment. I hummed. âItâs missing something.â
Jake rolled his eyes and flopped down on the couch. âWe bought half the department store? What more do you need?â
âA tree!â I proclaimed, already grabbing my coat and scarf.
âNo.â
âYeah,â I turned and pulled on his arm. âCome on, Grinch! Your heart canât grow that last size without a Christmas tree!â
He shook his head, stubbornly staring at me. âWhat if I donât want a tree?â
âWho doesnât want a Christmas tree?â
âMe.â
âWhy not?â I asked, settling on top of his lap. âWhy agree to all this other stuff but get stingy about the tree?â
Jakeâs face fell slightly, and I could tell it was taking everything he had not to break apart at whatever truth now hid behind his sass. âMaybe I just think theyâre ugly.â
âMaybe,â I replied. âOr maybe thereâs something else about them that bugs you?â
He rolled his eyes again, but didnât look back at me. His head turned, and he stared out at the window. After a minute, maybe longer, Jake finally sighed and said, âMy mom and I used to decorate our tree together.â
There it is. I set my head against his shoulder and held him as tightly as I could. âSo itâs a bad memory?â
âNo,â he answered. âThose ones are good⊠some of the only good ones I can actually remember. And thatâs whyâŠâ
âThatâs why it hurts.â
âYeah.â
âIâm sorry,â I whispered into his skin.
He took a deep breath. âMe too.â
âWhat was she like?â I asked softly. âYour mom.â
Even with my head against his shoulder, I could feel Jakeâs face contort slightly. His jaw clenched, and his head shifted, eyes staring up at the ceiling. For a minute, all he seemed able to do was sit and swallow whatever words almost took form. His fingers traced shapes into my skin, something simple to keep himself grounded in this moment and not whatever memories came to mind with my question.
After a long silence, he finally spoke, âSimone always said she was like water. Always moving, never settling⊠restless. But sometimes⊠I remember things from before. Like how weâd eat waffles every Saturday morning and how she could only eat hers if they were drenched in syrup.â He swallowed. âI remember decorating our tree every single year with the ugliest Christmas ornaments. I remember taking long walks on the beach with her, collecting shells and talking her ear off about the ocean and the animals I was obsessed with.â His lips quirked for a second, chin dipping to his chest as he glanced down at me. âI used to wanna be a marine biologist.â He scoffed at the admission, blinking tears away before finally continuing, âIn what little memories I have of her, she isnât water. She was bright and fun and loud⊠Like⊠fire or⊠I dunno.â
âMaybe she was a star,â I offered up, shifting until I was able to actually look at his face. âBright and burning and fleeting.â
âFleeting?â He asked with a tearful gaze.
âWell, yeah. The stars that burn the brightest live shorter lives.â With a tiny smile, I leaned in closer and admitted, âI used to wanna be an astronaut.â
With a choked chuckle, Jake blinked away the tears in his eyes. âWhy does that not surprise me?â
I gently wiped the stray tears from his cheeks and shrugged. ââCause Iâm so outta this world.â
âGod,â he groaned, covering up the way he cleared his throat. âThat was the worst thing Iâve ever heard.â
"No, it wasn't," I insisted.
He stood quickly, plopping my feet down on the floor before he began grabbing his coat and wrapping that hideous scarf around his neck. Jake stood in front of the door for a second before he glanced back at me and asked, "You coming?"
I smiled, trying to hide how desperately excited I was at the prospect of going and picking out some stupid tiny tree with him. "We really don't have to."
Reaching out, he grabbed my hand and rolled his eyes. "Come on, Princess. Let's go get you that dumb tree."
"Jake-"
"Lena," he cut off. "Come on, don't they sell out or something?"
"We don't have to." I squeezed his hand. "Tree or no tree, this has already been a great day of mostly de-grinchifying you."
He squeezed my hand back. "I know, but⊠I want to."
"Good!" I finally breathed, letting my body practically vibrate out the door. "'Cause I was having a really hard time holding that in!"
"I can see that." He laughed and followed me back into the cold.Â
For a moment, we stood outside, admiring the setting sun, when all of a sudden, Jake opened his mouth and tried to catch one of the many snowflakes on his tongue. I grinned ear to ear and lifted my head to do the same. Hand in hand, like total idiots, Jake and I stood on the sidewalk and caught snowflakes on our tongues for far longer than normal people would have. But I didn't care about the sideways glances and the eye rolls that we got from the people passing us by. Today, it was just Jake and me. Today, we would pretend to be thirteen again.
*
The smell of fresh pine and sap overwhelmed his senses. Green trees filled his vision, some towering over him while others were no bigger than his leg. It was crowded and loud as people filtered in and out of the small tree market they'd stumbled upon. Salesmen were shouting above the rest, talking in that tone that made him feel like he was at work again, but Lena was still smiling ear to ear.
It was almost annoying just how happy she was, looking up at the tall trees with wide eyes full of that magic and wonder that his were long void of. He nudged her away from the largest of them. "There's no way in hell we're gonna get that in my apartment."
She rolled her eyes. "I know. I was just admiring it."
"You're admiring a dying plant."
"Dying in the name of Christmas," she reminded, as though that meant anything to him. "It's their destiny."
He chuckled, looking up at the trees. "What a sucky destiny."
"It's fun," Lena insisted with a bump to his shoulder. "Try to enjoy it just a little bit, yeah?"
"No promises."
After almost an hour of walking around, Jake was surprised when he stopped in front of one of the smaller trees, filled with a sudden and entirely bizarre feeling. It wasn't the prettiest tree of its size. In fact, it was ugly as all hell, but something about it made sense to him.Â
"What about this one?" Jake asked, pointing at the smallest tree, the one with large chunks of pine needles missing.
His mom stopped and glanced back at him. She bent down and looked at the tree, fingers gently lifting its floppy branches, and a smile, wide and bright, making her red cheeks puff out. "It's absolutely perfect."
He felt so happy, giddy with joy and excitement as he vowed to carry it the whole way home. And he did, part of it at least, since the second the tree seller picked it up, a branch snapped off. His mom just laughed and said, "It'll be the most unique tree in Cape Cod!"
The most unique tree⊠he liked the sound of that.
"Find one you like?" Lena asked, leaning against his side as she looked down at the little tree.
Jake didn't answer for a minute, not sure whether he should brush it off, along with the memory that had just taken hold of him, or open up about it. "IâŠ"
Lena bent down and took one of the floppier branches in her hand, smelling the pine needles with a smile. "I think it's perfect."
"You⊠do?"
She glanced back up at him, with red cheeks and glimmering green eyes. "Of course! It's the perfect size. Plus, it's the most unique one here, and your apartment needs a unique-looking tree for sure."
The second the tiny tree was bought and paid for, Jake carried it the whole way back to the apartment.
*
Setting up the tree had been easier than I thought it'd be. I'd expected to have to coax Jake into participating, but for whatever reason, the second we'd picked it out, his whole mood had shifted. He wasn't suddenly Mr. Christmas, but he didn't snap or brush anything off as he had earlier.Â
Each ornament he placed on the tree sparkled as the twisted row of lights illuminated his apartment. He put each one on almost reverently, like each one meant more to him than even he expected. Once they were all hanging, I wrapped the tinsel around the tree and handed the star to Jake. "You wanna do the honors?"
His eyes were glossy, glowing in the light as he nodded and took the star. I could tell he was thinking about home - his first home, as he lowered it on the point of the tree and stepped back. "It'sâŠ"
"Beautiful," I finished for him, taking hold of his hand and leaning against him.
"Yeah," he eventually agreed. "It is."
We went about our usual routine that night. Dinner, shower, brushing our teeth together. His bed was soft and warm when we finally turned in for the night. Every light was off except the ones on the tree. It was beautiful and peaceful, a perfect end to a pretty perfect day.
âThank you,â I whispered, staring at the lights. âFor the tree. And⊠for telling me about your mom.â
âItâŠâ Jake chuckled a bit and admitted, âIt felt kind of good⊠telling you that.â
I grinned. âItâs annoying, isnât it?â
âExtremely.â
âYour mom sounds like she was⊠an interesting person,â I eventually added.
âYeah,â he agreed quietly.
With my head on his chest, I admired the glow of the lights, listening to his beating heart until I felt tired enough to close my eyes. There in the quiet, when he thought I was asleep, I felt Jakeâs arms pull me in just a bit tighter and heard him whisper, âI think she would have liked you.â
*
"I'm not gonna go," Jake announced, closing his locker and fixing his shirt with slightly shaky hands.
Lena turned, glancing at him with a quirk of her lips. "No?"
He nodded, trying to hold onto that foolish and brave thing that made his chest warm every time he thought about spending Christmas with her. "I'm staying."
"I'd love that," she answered. "But, you know, it's not about me. Whatever you want is what you should do."
"I want to be here," he said firmly, leaning forward to kiss her. "With you and your loud, insane family."
Lena smiled, looking up at him like he'd just said something absolutely magical. "I look forward to it then. Patrick's gonna love it when you sit on his lap."
"What?"
"He dresses up like Santa and insists that everyone sits on his lap so they get presents."
His brows furrowed as he looked at her, trying to gauge whether or not she was joking. "Are you serious?"
She smiled, deviously shrugging her shoulders. "Guess you'll just have to wait and see."
Before he could beg her for a clearer picture, Simone stepped into the locker room, and the tension was immediate. Lena buttoned the last button on her shirt and pecked his cheek. "See you down there."
He nodded, watching her give him a thumbs up before making her way down the stairs. Now or never, he told himself. Just be honest. "Simone-"
"I think it'd be best if I went to the Cape by myself this Christmas," she said before he could say another word.
"What?" he asked, his heart nearly stopping in his chest.
She didn't even glance back at him as she replied. "I don't want you to come with me."
"YouâŠ" The words caught in his throat, and his whole body burned. "You don't⊠want me?"
Simone simply shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. "You'll just fight and complain the whole time. I figured it'd be best if you didn't come this year."
This felt infinitely worse than arguing with her over not wanting to go. His chest felt tight, and his lungs were starved for air as he stood staring at her. "YouâŠ"
"I told you, I'm done carrying you." She turned and gave him a single cold look before she moved past him like he meant nothing to her. "It's time to grow up, Jake."
He couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and part of him didn't want to. If he moved, or breathed, or cried, then that meant it was real. And it couldn't be real. He couldn't live without her⊠he couldn't do anything without Simone in his corner.
Eventually, once the noise of the restaurant began to grow, as those rich carefree assholes began sitting down, demanding more and more and more, his body moved. He didn't know where he was going or what he was going to do, he just walked through the kitchen and out the alley door. In the distance, he could hear Lena's voice calling his name, but he didn't stop. He couldn't stop, because it was real. He'd finally fucked up one of the only things he had in his life worth keeping.
*
"Jake!" I called out after him, watching his body vanish in the crowd. "Damn it!"
I turned on my heel and hurried back inside, finding Simone just as she stepped forward to grab a few plates. "What the fuck did you say to him?"
She glanced at me with a slight grin before she moved on like it was all nothing. "Maybe I simply came to the same conclusion that you did."
You fucking bitch! "What did you say to him, Simone?"
"For once in our lives, I told him the truth." She glared at me. "I thought you, of all people, would appreciate that since the truth is so important to you, little one."
"God," I scoffed. "You aren't even a little bit ashamed of yourself."
Simone smiled, the kind of smile that told me this was only the first step of whatever desperate plan she'd cooked up. "Excuse me, the guests are waiting.
I wanted nothing more than to slap the plates out of her hands and beat the absolute hell out of her, but I didn't. It wouldn't have actually helped Jake or me. So, as she walked off, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and texted everyone.Â
Jake's having a really bad night. Please be on the lookout for him and text me or call me if you find him.
Where'd you see him last? Patrick.
I'll get word out to the other strippers, maybe we'll get lucky, and one of them will see him on their smoke break. Quinn.
I'll hold down the fort at the gym while Pat walks the street a bit. I'll let you know if I see him. Peter.
The bars not too busy quite yet, I'll make him something strong if he stops by. Ozzy.
I'll be finished early tonight, so I can meet up with Pat and look around for a bit. Maybe I'll stop by Nana's first and let her know we're looking for him. Prue.
Don't worry, I've got the boys on it. We'll find him. Dom.
I forced myself to breathe, replaying each of their messages over and over in my head as I slid behind the bar with Nicky. After each drink, I checked my phone. There was nothing yet. No sign of him at all, and that could only mean one thing. Fuck the Cape. I wish I'd gotten the chance to tell him that before he vanished.Â
Each time I caught sight of Simone, I couldn't help but mentally curse her in every way I knew how. And judging by the smirk permanently straining her cheeks, she knew it. It was sickening just how quickly she was able to drop her mask once Jake wasn't around to notice. It was sickening just how willing she was to hurt him to get whatever it was she wanted.
The second service was over, and I was out the door, only popping into the locker room to grab Jake's jacket and our clothes. Then, I was out on the streets, searching every inch of it as I made my way to his apartment. The keys shook in my hands as I fumbled to unlock the door. "Please be home. Please be home."
Hemingway was curled up on the couch when I finally got the door open. His food dish was empty, and the apartment looked the same as it had when we'd left. I tossed the bag of our clothes onto the counter and quickly turned. "Damn it!"
Clad in Jake's jacket and still wearing the uncomfortable striped work blouse, I took to the streets. I checked the movie theater, the shitty convenience store on his block, even the Chinese restaurant beneath his apartment. There was no sign of him. Not on my end.
Just as I stuck my hand out, ready to hail a cab and take it to the dumb Cape, my phone buzzed. I answered it instantly. "Is he with you?"
"No," Dom replied. "But I just ran into Prue. Patrick found him and is taking him to Nana's. Figured you'd wanna know."
"Thank fucking God!" I sighed. "I'll be there in a minute, do not let him leave!"
"I've got him," he replied. "Just relax."
"I'll relax when I see him," I answered, not caring how dumb it sounded.
The cab ride felt like it took hours, but the moment I hopped out and saw Jake sitting with Nana's arms around him through her window, it didn't matter. He's here. I forced myself to breathe and walk forward. He's not in the Cape. He's not in an alley. He's right here.Â
Nana rocked him back and forth, quietly singing a song in Arabic as she gently stroked his hair and held him as tightly as she could. Patrick was standing by the counter, close enough that I reached out and hugged him without a second thought. "Thank you for finding him."
"Of course," he replied. "Can't have the little brother gettin' into any trouble. Especially not this close to Christmas."
"How is he?"
"He'sâŠ" he stopped himself, taking a moment to consider what words would best suit the situation. "He's rough. Hasn't said a word to anyone since we found him."
Fucking damn that blonde bitch. I turned and looked over at him. "At least he's here."
"What happened?" Patrick asked, quickly switching languages. "What was his trigger?"
"A blonde fucking cunt that needs a serious asskicking." I made sure to say it low enough that Jake wouldn't hear, and in Irish, so even if he did, he wouldn't know what I'd said.
I let Nana hold him until her song had ended, and then I stepped up to bat. My hand landed on his shoulder, soft but firm enough that he could hopefully tell I wasn't going anywhere. Jake lifted his head from Nana's shoulder and looked up at me with red eyes. I smiled. "Hey."
He shook his head. "I fucked it all up."
"No," I whispered, carefully pulling him into my arms. "No, you didn't."
"She's done. Simone⊠she's finally through with me." He almost sobbed.
"She's justâŠ" A bitter, self-centered, manipulative fucking shrew. "Angry. I'm sure she didn't really mean it."
Jake didn't hear me, or he didn't care about what I'd said, having already convinced himself it wasn't true. "I was supposed to do better. She needed me to do better, and I failed. I always fucking fail! Simone, the restaurant, my mom, you."
I pulled his face up, holding it in my hands. "Hey, you haven't failed anyone. Least of all me."
Tears streamed down his cheeks. "I⊠I⊠Can't."
"Just breathe," I whispered, pressing his head to my chest. "Feel my heartbeat and just try to breathe. I've got you, Jake. I've got you, and I'm not going anywhere."
It took hours for us to pull him out of it. Eventually, Jake hit a point where he seemed to snap back into a state of quiet, avoidant shock. He didn't meet anyone's eyes and barely said anything, so I accepted Nana's trays of food and quickly decided it was time we went back to his apartment.Â
"Be safe," Nana whispered, hugging Jake once more. "Call if you need us, habibi."
"Sure thing," he replied quietly, still not fully there.
Patrick tapped my arm. "Call if you need anything. I'll be there."
"Can you text Quinn, let her know that I've got him?"
"Sure thing, sis."
The cab ride was quiet. The walk up to Jake's apartment was quiet. The moment we stepped inside, quiet. And then, suddenly, Jake was ripping his work shirt off and throwing it across the room.
I set the food down and quietly followed his lead until both of us were standing in his apartment in our underwear. After a sob made his back shake, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him.
"It's just fucking bullshit!" He shouted, blinking harshly through the tears. "Simone. Your psycho ex. Howard. My fucking mom⊠Everything."
"I know," I answered, softly rubbing my hands up his arms.
"It's not fair," Jake whispered. "It's not fair that everyone else has amazing memories of Christmas and all I have are⊠fractured, broken, hideous pieces. It's not fair that Simone wants me to just swallow it and⊠and go back there every holiday, every birthday, every single time!"
With an understanding nod, I pulled myself off him and slid so I could reach up and touch his cheek. "It's not fair, and you have every right to be angry about that. You have every right to fall apart, to rage and hate Christmas, and be a total Grinch."Â
"She hates me," he whispered. "She actually fucking hates me now⊠after everythingâŠ"
"She doesn't hate you," I answered, even though I hated her and everything she was putting him through. "Simone's just upset. She just needs some time, and then you'll be able to talk it out."
"You think so?"
"I know so." I pressed my lips to his cheek. "Nobody could hate you."
He shook his head. "A lot of people hate me."
I smiled warmly at him and blinked a few tears of my own away. "Okay, maybe. But I don't. I'm here, and I am gonna fight like hell to give you some new, good Christmas memories, and you're gonna have to make peace with that."
Jake cleared his throat with a half-scoff. He looked at me like he didn't quite believe me, quietly asking for that reassurance I was more than willing to give him. "Yeah?"
"Absolutely." I didn't hesitate. "You're stuck with me, tough guy."
"The horror," he mumbled, pulling me into his chest.
"You'll live," I replied. "And eventually, you'll learn to like me."
His arms tightened around me. "I already like you."
*
Christmas Eve was quiet, until it wasn't. Rhythmic knocking echoed loudly from his front door, waking both him and Lena up from their sleep. "The fuck?"
Lena was up in seconds, pulling one of his shirts on over her head and yanking him out of bed. "It's starting!"
"What is?"
She opened the door to the Harrow crew, shouting, "HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE!"
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE!" Lena yelled back.
"Jesus Christ."
Patrick nodded, lifting his steaming coffee up. "That's the spirit!"
"It's way too early for this," he grumbled, turning and climbing back into bed.
Lena scoffed. "He's still a bit of a Grinch. Don't worry, I'll have him at the apartment on time."
"Good," Peter replied. "You still bringing the cocoa?"
"You know it."
Quinn's loud voice echoed through his pillow. "And have him fix that attitude!"
He lifted his hand and flipped her off. "Bitch."
"I'll Who him up," Lena vowed.
Once the door closed and Lena was back in bed with him, Jake mumbled, "I'm not gonna Who anything."
"We'll see," she answered with a grin. "Now, can I wish you a proper, happy Christmas Eve?"
His brows rose, and he pulled himself out of his pillow. "I'm listening."
Pulling her shirt off and leaning over him, she shook her head. "So simple."
After a long morning in bed, the shower, and the couch, Jake couldn't deny he was in a much better mood when they walked into the Harrow apartment. It was cramped and filled with plates of food, pillows, and blankets, and of course, the loud people he'd grown to love.
"Finally!" Ozzy said, pulling both him and Lena into a hug. "Thought you two were gonna make us wait all night."
"Wouldn't dream of it, Oz," Lena replied. "Where are our seats?"
He gestured to a small chair covered in a big yellow blanket. "Best seat in the house for our new member."
Jake scoffed. "Who me? You know I don't need special treatment."
"But you'll get it all the same," the big man insisted. "And I won't tolerate any complaints!"
"Alright," he relented. "Alright."
Lena pulled him to his seat and smiled. "Want a beer?"
"Absolutely." He stopped her. "You never told me what we're actually doing here, by the way."
"I know," she whispered back. "Don't worry, it'll be fun."
Then she was gone, sliding into the kitchen with Quinn and Prue. That was when Patrick strolled into the apartment, clad head to toe in a Santa costume. "Good god."
"Ho Ho Ho!" He cheered, belly jiggling comically. "Merry Christmas!"
"Santa!" Prue squealed, running up to jump into his arms, laughing the whole time.
Katie entered the apartment shortly after, dressed in an elegant Mrs. Claus costume that only made Patrick look more ridiculous. Everyone talked over one another, noisily complimenting Katie and making fun of Patrick. Despite the loudness, Jake found himself wanting to join in.
He wouldn't, though, because that would be ridiculous.
Jake watched as everyone gathered around Patrick and sat in his lap, gushing about what presents they wanted. So she wasn't joking, he mused from his chair. Got it. Patrick Santa pointed across the room at him. "Ohhh Jaaakeeee." He patted his thigh. "Come sit on Santa's lap and tell him what a good boy you've been this year!"
"You sound like a pedophile," Jake replied.
"Santa is not a pedophile!" He said. "Come on!"
Lena pulled at him. "Oh, come on, you have to!"
"Why?" He grumbled.
"It's tradition!"
Quinn wrapped an arm around Ari and began the chant that would haunt Jake's nightmares until everyone, even Lena, was shouting it. "Sit on his lap! Sit on his lap! Sit on his lap!"
With a sigh, he pulled himself up. "Fiiineee! Just shut up, I'll sit on his damn lap!"
"YAY!"
Jake sat on the edge of Patrick's knee, stiffly staring at the dressed-up man as he stifled his laughter. "If I check my list, which one will your name be on, Jake?"
"I've been a very good boy," Jake deadpanned.
"A very good boy!" Patrick proclaimed. "And what would you like for Christmas this year?"
"Normal friends," he answered.
"BOOO!" the Harrow crowd chimed in.
Patrick nodded, still pretending to be Santa. "Normal friends, got it. Anything else?"
Jake rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I would love a Polly Pocket."
"Polly Pocket," Patrick hummed. "Of course."
Thankfully, Ozzy clapped his hands before Jake could embarrass himself further. "It's time! Everyone, get your snacks, drinks, and go sit in your seats!"
Jake was off Pat's lap in a second, finding Lena in the small apartment and watching her stuff a plate full of food, quickly shoving it into his hands. "Hold this."
"What's it time for?"
"It's movie time," she replied, wiggling her brows. "Go sit down. Don't let Prue steal my apple slices! I'll grab our beers!"
He chuckled, following her instructions and settling in the chair as Ozzy stood in front of the TV with a pair of glasses hanging off his nose as he sifted through the VCR tapes. Lena balanced their drinks on the windowsill and took the plate from Jake before she settled in his lap. "What am I, Santa now?"
She laughed and popped one of the apple slices in his mouth before quietly asking, "Are you having fun?"
"A little," he admitted.
"Well, it's about to get a whole lot better," she promised.
Better was an understatement. The second the TV lit up, and a younger-looking Ozzy's face filled the screen, Jake just knew this was going to be one of the best nights of his life. Home movies. That was the great surprise.
"Is it on?" An unfamiliar voice asked.
"I think so," Ozzy answered, turning the camera and laughing. "Told you I could figure it out!"
And there, on the screen, was the famous Jack Harrow. He was bigger than the pictures made him look, and happier than Jake could have imagined. Lena leaned further into him, smiling widely as she watched the screen with a fondness that made him wish he'd actually gotten to know her dad.
"Well, let's get to it!" Jack laughed. "The kids are gettin impatient!"
"You finally figure it out?" Peter asked, the camera panning to him with a head of hair and bushy eyebrows.Â
"Whooooo!" Quinn cheered. "Look at that mane!"
The camera shifted again, this time to Patrick, who looked like a scragglier version of himself with buzzed hair and a filthy face. "Took ya long enough."
Lena turned her head and laughed. "I always forget about that horrible haircut."
Patrick shrugged. "I got lice and didn't know how to handle it. Sue me."
The camera turned one last time, and Lena's sixteen-year-old self filled the screen. Jake felt his joy drop for a moment as he stared at the too-thin girl, sitting in the very chair he did now. Her hair was dull and black with red roots growing out, her smile looked strained and her eyes looked tired as she looked at Ozzy with an exaggerated eye roll. "Is that really necessary?"
"Course it is," Jack insisted. "It's your first Christmas back, we gotta remember it!"
Lena squeezed his hand, a quiet reminder that she was here now⊠healthy and happy. Jake breathed out his anger and leaned his head into her shoulder. She's come a long way since then, and she'll never have to go back.
Tape after tape, they watched, laughing at how ridiculous everyone looked back then and cheering for Jack and Nana. Tape after tape, Jake felt his hardened exterior begin to melt as the Harrow's odd tradition enveloped him. As Lena began to doze off in his arms, Jake could feel himself letting go of the guilt he'd been carrying since Simone left for Cape Cod.
This is where I wanna be, he decided. This is where I belong.
*
Christmas always came much sooner than I expected it to. Christmas Eve had only just ended, and here we all were gathered around Nana's tree in the diner, talking and laughing and trying to guess what presents sat under the tree waiting for us to open them. Gingerbread filled the air, and the snow outside actually felt beautiful.
Jake had been in much higher spirits since our movie night tradition, and that made me feel more at ease. Simone still deserved the biggest asskicking in the world for what she put him through, but as I watched him and Patrick and Peter talk about boxing with smiles on their faces, I couldn't bring myself to be mad at her right now. And as the day continued, Simone became nothing but a blip in the back of my mind, and more importantly, the back of Jake's.
We sat in the seats, all watching each other open gifts and sometimes trying to explain the thought process behind some of them. Quinn tossed a gift to Jake with a smug smile. "There you go, asshole."
"Thanks bitch," he replied ripping it open to reveal the tiny Polly Pocket. Jake chuckled. "Seriously?"
"You said you wanted one!"
"I was joking!"
"Well, maybe next time you'll take Santa time more seriously."
When it finally reached me, I couldnt contain my smile, hurriedly grabbing his gift from beneath the tree. "Tada!"
"When did you even have the time to get this?" He asked, taking it from me.
"Yeah?" Quinn added. "You two have been practically glued together all month."
I rolled my eyes. "I've still got some tricks up my sleeve!"
He glanced up at me, guilt making his face look sad once again. "I didn't get you anything."
I waved him off. "You got me more than enough for my birthday. Now, open it!"
He peeled back the wrapping paper, frustratingly slow, and it took every ounce of my self-control not to grab the box and rip the paper off myself. Eventually, he got to the box and popped the top open, staring down inside it with a surprised smile. "Holy shit."
"Do you like it?"
"Where did you find this?" He asked, pulling the camera out of the box. "And how the hell did you afford it?"
I grinned. "I may have stopped by that old camera shop you took me to and bargained with the crotchety old man for it."
"How did you know this was the one I wanted?"
"You couldn't take your eyes off it last time we were there." I shrugged. "Figured that meant you liked it."
"That was forever ago," he replied, shaking his head. "How did you remember that?"
"I remembered because it's you," I answered, feeling stupid the second the words left my lips. A blush rose to my cheeks. "So you like it?"
Jake smiled, watching me carefully. "I love it. Thanks, princess."
"You're welcome." I lifted myself up and quickly kissed him before clapping my hands. "Okay, what did everyone get me?"
Patrick groaned. "Your birthday was literally two weeks ago, I didn't get you shit!"
I gasped. "Santa didn't get me anything?"
He flipped me off. "Santa brought it to you early for your birthday."
"Santa's a bit of a bitch."
"Oh, so it's fine if your little boyfriend doesn't get you anything, but if Santa doesn't, it's suddenly the end of the world?"
"That's literally Santa's job!"
After a long, entirely too amusing argument with "Santa", we opened up the rest of our presents and watched more home movies while Nana brought piles upon piles of food. Jake took pictures with his camera, grinning ear to ear every time he lifted it up. And as Christmas came to a quiet close, Jake and I said goodbye and headed back to his place with our arms full of food and gifts.
When we'd finished unpacking and feeding Hemingway, we curled up in his bed, happy and full. "So, how was your first Harrow Christmas?"
Jake smiled at me. "Perfect."
I kissed him. "Merry Christmas, Jake."
"Merry Christmas, Lena."
Dumb as it might have been, I knew deep down by the smile on Jake's face that I'd been successful. His heart had grown a size. And I couldn't wait until next year to help it grow two more.
never not thinking of fox mulder
Nightshade
Chapter 28 | Chapter 30
Chapter 29: Swizzles & Twizzles
TW: As always: the tw does contain spoilers! This fic has language, mentions of drugs and alcohol, sex, nudity, general mentions of violence, past abuse, and soooo on. This week on Nightshade (said in Jake's voice) đ§đ Old faces make an appearance at 22West. Simone and Jake confront each other. Tensions rise between our newly established couple and Jake's insecurities/trauma becomes too much to ignore. We've got a wild ride ahead with lots of trauma mentioned and a lot still unmentioned. Jake's kind of an asshole in the beginning of this, our idiots open up to each other a little, we've got fluff and family bonding and family traditions, ice skating, and family pictures, and, shockingly, no cliffhanger today!
As always, enjoy my lovelies! And I didn't do a great job proofreading/editing this one, so sorry if there are mistakes! But, enjoy anyway!
âBonjour BeautĂ©.â
A large hand ran over his black hair, neatly slicked back in a French fashion. His lips turned upward in that signature charismatic smile. Pale eyes watched every move I made with that glint of glee and mischief. That glint was one of the only things that separated him from Anthony, in appearance at least.
Once the shock had worn off and my limbs didnât feel so heavy, I ground my teeth together, hands balling into fists as I moved forward without thinking. âWhat the fuck are you doing here?â
Claude scoffed, holding a hand over his heart as though my words had wounded him. âOh, how cruel youâve grown since spreading your little wings!â
âGet out.â I shoved him towards the door.
âOh, come now,â he cooed. âArenât you at least a little happy to see me alive and well?â
âNo.â
âSo crass.â He grinned wider. âAnd here I thought youâd learned your manners.â
You miserable, good-for-nothing, fucking asshole! I wanted to punch him, to scream at him for all the bullshit heâd blamed on me over the years and all the stupid, impulsive decisions heâd twisted me into and watched me get punished for. âGet. Out.â
âI am a guest,â Claude replied simply with the arrogant, self-important look he was so fond of.
âWell, weâre closed.â
âWhen has that ever stopped me?â
My hand fisted in his fine silk shirt, and I pulled him in close, whispering one final warning to him so low my coworkers couldnât hear. âLeave now, before this gets ugly.â
The prick had the nerve to chuckle. âAre you going to shoot me? Like you shot dear Anthony?â
âClaude?â A soft voice asked from the top of the stairs, interrupting any reaction I would have had to his insults. I turned eyes meeting Simoneâs, and my heart dropped. Youâve got to be fucking kidding me.
With a click of his tongue, Claude pulled my fingers from his shirt and straightened out his jacket. He winked as he stepped around me entirely to stare up at her like some lovestruck poet. âSimone.â
She hurried down the stairs, looking less like a shrew and more like a foolish teenager. Her eyes quickly darted to where Jake still stood by the kitchen doors, likely still reeling from my very sudden outburst. That simple flick of her eyes was all I needed to see through the pomp and frill and spectacle. This is an act. For both of them. âWhat are you doing here?â
âAfter our first meeting, I could not resist myself.â Claude lifted her hand and pressed a kiss to it. âYou are magnetic.â
âYou could have called,â she replied.
âNonsense, such an important question requires⊠finesse that only the eyes can offer.â
âAnd what question is that?â
âA date, of course.â He puffed up his chest. âDinner. You and I. Wine. Candlelight.â
âSounds rather romantic.â
âIt will be,â he assured. âSo, is that a yes?â
Her eyes drifted to Jake, as if conveying a message through her expression alone. I could see the hurt in his eyes, mixing with the fear in a way that made my gut twist. He shook his head, pleading with her, or trying to at least. Then, just as quickly, Simone turned her head away and smiled back at Claude. âOf course. How could I refuse such heartfelt eyes?â
He laughed, loud and boisterous and so obviously fake, if only to me. I couldnât help but roll my eyes. âCome then.â
âOne moment,â Simone said, gesturing to her uniform. âIâll have to change.â
âI shall wait,â he said, turning his head to look at me with that smile. âAnd catch up with old friends.â
I watched her leave, Jakeâs eyes following her every step before they shifted to me. It wasnât anger that I found in them, but uncertainty. All the things he still didnât know - all of what he didnât understand was bubbling up inside him the way Iâd seen too many times to count. It was only a matter of time before it all either imploded or exploded.
Peter internalized it all. The unknowns, the way certain words or actions would set off a reaction in me. It imploded within him, eating away at him until all he could do was try his hardest to stand between me and the storm. Patrick, however, was the opposite. Everything he didnât understand, all the things he still didnât know, festered and boiled over like a pot of water left too long on the stove. He exploded on anything and anyone that got in his way.
What will Jake do? I wondered as he turned away from me and headed back into the kitchen and upstairs, where Simone waited. Will he tear himself apart? Or will he tear someone else apart? Will I let him get to that point?
Claudeâs arm settled across my shoulders. âNow, tell me, did you enjoy your birthday present?â
*
Jakeâs heart hadnât stopped hammering since Lena froze beside him. This is it, heâd told himself the second he caught a glimpse of that French-speaking asshole. This is him. But, once sheâd jumped into action and practically kicked his ass back out the door, heâd quickly deduced it was not, in fact, Tony. Not yet, at least.
The relationship was odd between Lena and this Claude. It was strained to the point where Jake couldâve sworn sheâd felt something for him at one point. The way she glared at him - the way she held herself tighter, it all reminded him of when heâd told Simone about the gym. This was the way she looked when sheâd felt betrayed by him. So, it begged the question, How did Claude betray her?
âClaude?â It was Simoneâs voice that shook him out of the trace of thought heâd entered. His head turned, and his eyes went wide at the sight of her giddy smile.
She never looks at anyone like that, Jake seethed, hands balling into fists at his side as his heart hammered louder and louder. Not even me. Not anymore.
âSimone.â
âWhat are you doing here?â
The second Simone was close enough, Claude lifted her hand and pressed a kiss to it. His lips lingered too long, his eyes radiating that smug self-importance that made Jake absolutely hate the man. âAfter our first meeting, I could not resist myself. You are magnetic.â
âYou could have called,â she replied, almost like a whisper⊠a flirtation.
He flirted back. âNonsense, such an important question requires⊠finesse that only the eyes can offer.â
âAnd what question is that?â
âA date, of course.â He stood up straighter. âDinner. You and I. Wine. Candlelight.â
âSounds rather romantic.â He rolled his eyes. Give me a break. Thereâs no way sheâs falling for this.
âIt will be,â he assured. âSo, is that a yes?â
Then, her head turned, and her eyes met his. Say no, he thought, trying to convey the message with his eyes. This guy is trouble, Simone. Say. No. Then, just as quickly, she turned her head away and smiled back at Claude, and he felt his whole world shift. âOf course. How could I refuse such heartfelt eyes?â
Jake didnât hear the rest of the conversation over the sound of ringing in his ears. He didnât know anything about Claude, only that when Lena saw him, she was scared and angry, and that was enough. Whoever he was, whatever ties he held to the torment Lena endured, he could not let Simone leave with him.
If heâs anything like Tony⊠he could hurt her⊠he could⊠Jake shook his head, looking at Lena as soon as Simoneâs fuzzy form vanished back upstairs. Her eyes were bright, even now, filled with concern and something he couldnât quite place. For a moment, he felt torn between the two of them, and it was like his nightmare had come to life right in front of his eyes.
He could either stay and help Lena deal with whatever this was, or he could go after Simone and⊠try to convince her not to go with Claude. Either way, Jake knew heâd be letting one of them down. Either way, you fail, just like you always do. He forced himself to take a deep breath and try not to think about it too much. With a final breath, he turned away from Lena and headed upstairs to the locker room.
She can handle Claude, he told himself over and over again. Sheâll be fine without me.
âYou canât go out with him,â Jake said, desperation bleeding into his voice, causing it to crack.
Simoneâs brows rose. âI canât?â
âSimone-â
âYou do not get to tell me what I can and canât do, Jake. Especially not after all youâve put me through this week. All the secrets youâve been keeping from me.â
Jake swallowed hard, trying to figure out what words he could say that would get through to her while also protecting whatever ties to Lena he could. âSimoneâŠâ
She turned then, stripping herself of her shirt, and gave him the same look sheâd given him the whole night. âOh, now you want to talk?â
âI missed one phone call,â he attempted to argue.
âYou missed several phone calls,â she replied bitterly. âAnd thatâs not even mentioning the way you abandoned me on Thanksgiving and every moment since in favor of that redheaded floozy.â
âYou said that we were good,â he almost yelled. âAfter all of it, you told me we were fine!â
âOf course we arenât fine, Jake!â She screamed back. âYou have abandoned me at every turn in favor of someone you barely know! And now youâre parading her around like sheâs the most important thing in your life. After everything Iâve done for you, sheâs the one you put effort into making happy. Sheâs the one you run to when she calls. Acting like sheâs the one thatâs been carrying you all these years.â
He forced himself to let go of the insults and the dismissal of what he felt for Lena. Her safety was more important right now. âIâm sorry-â
âYouâre sorry?â She laughed that horrible laugh, void of any joy or fondness. âWell, Iâm sorry, Jake, but I donât believe you. You have always been selfish and avoidant, but lately itâsâŠâ with a shake of her head, Simone shrugged, blinking away the tears building in her eyes. âItâs like I donât even know who you are anymore.â
It struck him hard, just how much heâd fucked up, and with that, the fear in his gut erupted. âSimone, Iâm sorry. I was justâŠâ Happy.
She shook her head. âYou were just doing what you always do. Abandoning me. Abandoning all weâve been through and built together in favor of the newest flavor of the month. And yet, just like the last time, it spiraled out of your control and turned into this misshapen thing that Iâm going to have to clean up after.â
âWeâre just casually dating,â he finally ground out before he could stop himself. After the words settled between them, he forced himself back on track. âWhat Lena and I have has nothing to do with this!â
âDoesnât it?â She gestured to the door. âYouâre not here, trying to stop me from going out with a perfectly fine man because sheâs convinced you that you should?â
âNo. She didnât say anything to me about this. Iâm just trying to protect you.â
With a roll of her eyes, Simone zipped up her skirt and began to put on her nice blouse. âProtect me? From what, Jake? From a chance at being happy? Or at the very least, having a pleasant evening?â
His teeth ground together as he tried to find a way to tell her without actually telling her. âIâm just⊠Heâs not the person you think he is, and I need you to trust me.â
âTrust you? How can I trust someone who has hurt me so deeply?â She shook her head and scoffed, turning away from him to fix her lipstick in the mirror. âBesides, when did you start caring about who I went out with?â
âI have always cared who you went out with.â He stepped closer to her, forcing her to see him through the reflection. âWhen you first started dating Etienne, I did everything I could to convince you to stay. And then when you and Serena started fighting over Fred, I was the only one who told you to let it go. He wasnât worth it then, and he wasnât when you slept with him again last year.â He set a hand on her shoulder. âPlease, Simone. Trust me, this time when Iâm telling you this asshole isnât worth it.â
She turned then, eyes soft as she looked at him closely and lifted her hand to his cheek. For a moment, it felt like it used to. Warm and consuming, safe. Then that moment was gone. âWhere did I go wrong with you?â
Jake felt like words had physically punched him as Simoneâs hand fell away from his face and she turned her back on him. The locker room walls felt like they were closing in as the dam that had held back years of self-loathing and fear crumpled. His thoughts swarmed with all the times heâd failed Simone, every single moment of their lives when sheâd needed him and heâd been too selfish to see it. âI donât need this, Jake.â
He could see the look sheâd given him in the cellar. It felt like forever ago⊠Yet, he could never forget how hurt sheâd been. âOne of these days, Iâm just going to be done with you.â
Donât say that.
He felt the tears slide down his cheeks, and yet he almost couldnât feel anything at all. All that remained was the soul-crushing weight of the new words that would haunt him for the rest of his life. âWhere did I go wrong with you?â
Please, A pathetic sob somehow squeezed its way out of his tight throat. âDonât say that.â
*
I watched Simone leave with Claude, both of them a mess of fake smiles and flirting, though I was the only one who seemed to see through it. Sasha and Ari practically squealed at the new gossip, while everyone else participated at a less enthusiastic level. The Russian pulled a twenty-dollar bill from his jacket pocket. âI bet blondie does the nasty tonight!â
Heather rolled her eyes. âSimoneâs way too sophisticated for that.â
âSheâs a prude, we know,â Ari added with a thoughtful look. âBuuutt she seemed to be super into his whole French vibe. So, maybe sheâll let loose for once.â
Sashaâs head turned to me, eyes narrowing as he pointed his middle finger my way. âYou did not like this French boy, Tiger Bitch.â
Ari leaned closer, twirling a strand of my hair around her finger. âYeah, whatâs the story there?â
âLovers?â Sasha gasped. âOr is he your arch nemesis?â
âNeither,â I replied, moving away from the crowd. âIâm gonna go check on Jake.â
âYou two coming to dinner?â Scott yelled after me.
âYeah, weâll catch up!â
âYou know what thatâs code for, right?â Ari giggled.
Sasha cheered, slamming his hands down on the bartop. âSEX! SEX! SEX!â
The locker room was quiet when I got to the top of the stairs. All I could hear was Jakeâs uneven breathing and quiet mumbles. He stood with his forehead pressed into the lockers, hands held close to his chest as he talked to himself so lowly I couldnât hear what he was saying. âHey. Simone just left everyone was-â
âYou let her leave?â He ground out, turning to glare at me as though Iâd just told him Iâd punched her.
âWas I not supposed to?â
âI donât know, youâre the one who was acting like this guy was the fucking anti-Christ or something!â He rolled his shoulders, grimacing like he was in physical pain. âGod fucking damn it!â
It felt strange, seeing him so irritable after everything weâd been through over the past week. Heâs been so calm and collected through everything. Why now? I wondered, quietly watching him unravel for a moment before the truth of it hit me.
Jake had been so focused on me, heâd pushed off everything else. Every fear, every doubt, every second of anything that couldnât be used to help him help me was shoved aside and deemed unnecessary. Now it was all just catching up to him. Now there was no way he could push it aside.
I took a step forward, hand reaching out to try to touch him, soothe him like I usually would. âHey, itâs oka-â
âItâs not okay!â He yelled, pulling away from my touch.
âJake-â
âNo! This fucking asshole is out there with her right now, leading her into god knows what! He could fucking hurt her or worseâŠâ His voice trailed off as he brought his hands to his head, fingers tangling into his hair so tight I could see it strain his scalp. âFucking useless. Like always.â
âJake,â I quietly repeated. âClaude isnât dangerous. Heâs just a massive asshole.â
He scoffed. âYeah, right. A massive asshole that had you that fucking scared? I donât think so.â
âI wasnât scared of him.â I could feel a slight twinge begin to burn in my chest. Offense? Anger? I wasnât sure.
âYou sure looked pretty fuckin scared to me.â
âI-â
âI canât fucking do this right now.â He pulled his hands out of his hair and shoved past me. âIâve gotta go find her and⊠make sure sheâs fucking safe.â
I whirled around, my hand wrapping around his wrist. âJake!â
âWHAT?!â He screamed, turning fast and practically running into me.
With a flinch back, I held his gaze. âDo you really think Iâd let her go with him if I thought heâd hurt her?â
He paused for a moment, something at war within himself showing through the tempest in his eyes. The fear he felt, for Simone or for something else, won in the end as he pulled his arm out of my grasp and said, âI donât know.â
It was just as sudden as it was brutal. The sting of hurt scattered across my chest like lightning, stealing the breath from my lungs and bringing tears to my eyes. Does he really think so low of me? I watched Jake notice the hurt his words caused. And in that way of his, it was like he heard my thoughts. Is he scared of me now? Of what Iâm capable of? Of the pain I inevitably cause?
I swallowed and nodded, trying as hard as I could to push past it and⊠be there for him. âOkay. Well, Iâll⊠Iâll come with you.â
âNo.â He turned away and started walking again. âJust leave me alone.â
It wasnât until I heard his footsteps fade entirely that I answered through tears, âOkay.â
I caught up with the others just as theyâd started walking to dinner. They had a hundred questions, none of which I felt up to answering. Somewhere down the block, Sasha bumped me and held out his cigarette. âYou look like you need a hit.â
âThanks,â I mumbled, taking it and inhaling as deeply as my lungs would allow. The bitter tang of smoke filled my senses, numbing the feeling of disappointment that had settled in me like a stone.
âJust leave me alone.â The voice in my head wasnât Jakeâs. It was mine.
Dad sighed, leaning back against the bar and looking at me with that sad look. âWhy do you have to make this so hard, kid?â
âIt would be easy if youâd just leave me the hell alone!â I screamed back, shoving a few chairs over. âAll day, every day itâs talk, talk, talk! Well, I donât wanna fucking talk anymore!â
âLanguage, Lena,â he reprimanded calmly. âYou got every right to be angry, but I wonât have you swearinâ like a sailor just yet.â
I groaned, pulling at my hair as I fought the urge to destroy more⊠to hurt him as badly as I hurt. âSTOP TALKING!â
Dad took it with his chin up, like he always did. He let me yell at him until I was blue in the face, and never once did the love in his eyes fade.
âI fucking hate everything! I hate you! I hate Ozzy! I hate Patrick! I hate Peter! I hateâŠâ I couldnât bring myself to say his name, but Dad knew. âIâm done. I just want everyone fuck off and to leave me alone!â I could feel the tears building in my eyes, burning and turning the world hazy.
With a nod, he stood. âIs that really what you want?â
This time, I couldnât hold it back. A sob forced its way out of my throat, and the tears spilled down my cheeks. I didnât need to answer his question. Dad stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me as tightly as he could. âIâve got ya, Lee. Iâve got ya and I ainât never lettinâ go.â
I stopped walking, staring ahead as it dawned on me. I fucked up.
Sasha waved his hand in front of my face. âI said a hit, not the whole thing. Give it.â
I quickly handed him what was left of the cigarette and turned on my heel in the opposite direction. âHe just asked for his cigarette back.â
âYes, you donât have to take it so personally, Tiger!â
I hailed a cab and gave him the address, offering to pay him extra if he could get me there as fast as possible. The whole drive, I was anxiously looking out the windows, scanning the crowds for Jakeâs familiar build and asshole features. Come on. Come on. Come on. I threw the money at the cabbie the second he pulled up in front of Jakeâs building and rushed up the stairs. I fished the key out of my pocket and quietly mumbled, âPlease be home. Please, please, please, be home.â
The second the door swung open, I was met with the absolute destruction of his apartment. Hemingway was curled up beneath the sofa, only leaving the safety of it once heâd noticed me. He ran fast, jumping up into my arms and pawing lovingly at my face. Jake was curled up on the floor, beer in one hand and his phone in the other. The ringing echoed from it for a moment and then was followed by Simoneâs faint voice.
He groaned. âGod damn it, Simone. Pick up. Please.â I heard him choke back a sob. âPlease donât leave me.â
I pushed the door closed, and the click of it shutting drew Jakeâs attention instantly. He staggered until he was up on his feet again. âWhat are you doing here?â
Hemingway returned to his hiding place. âIâm here to help, however you need me to.â
âGet out,â Jake replied. âI donât want your help! I donât want anything from anyone! I just want to be left the fuck alone!â
âReally?â I asked, quietly, carefully. âIs that really what you want?â
Jakeâs lips quivered as he struggled to form the answer. Then, his head shook. I dropped everything, rushing forward and wrapping him up in my arms as tightly as I could. He buried his face in my hair and finally released the sobs he was holding in.
âItâs okay,â I whispered. âIâve got you. Iâve got you, and Iâm not letting go.â
*
It took hours for Jake to settle, and once he did, he looked horrible. It was like all the life had been drained from him as he slumped against the couch from his place on the floor. I sat across from him, hands resting on his legs as I tried to find the words to say now. Dad would know what to say, I thought. He always did.
âI donât want this to be the focus of the conversation,â I finally started. âBut I⊠Iâd like to know⊠Did you really think Iâd let her go if I thought sheâd be in danger?â
âIâŠâ Jake paused, forcing a tired breath from his lungs. âNo.â
âClaude is a piece of shit, but he wouldnât hurt anyone.â I looked away, trying with all my might not to be offended by the terrified idea heâd had of me just letting something horrible happen to someone, even someone like Simone. âAnd Simone seems like she can handle herself. Sheâll manage him just fine.â
Jakeâs head hit the back of his locker, and he sighed. âShe can handle just about anything. Iâm justâŠâ
âYou just worry.â I settled against the lockers beside him. âI know.â
âI didnât mean to make it seem like I donât trust you,â he said quietly, fiddling with his fingers in his lap. âAfter everything thatâs gone on in the past few weeks⊠Iâm just on edge.â
âSorry,â I whispered, looking up at him. âThatâs probably my fault.â
âNo,â he quickly said with a firm shake of his head. âThatâs not what I meant.â
I smiled. âItâs okay. I get it. My bullshit⊠itâs a lot.â
âItâs not bullshit, and itâs not your fault.â
âJake, relax,â I urged, smoothing a hand down his bicep. âIâm not mad or saying shit just to make you feel bad. I know how rough dealing with my baggage can be, and Iâm genuinely sorry itâs put so much stress on you.â He opened his mouth, another argument locked and loaded. âStop. Just listen for two minutes. Iâm glad you were there with me. You helped me more than⊠more than anyone has in a while. But I also understand that being there for someone you care about is stressful. And this⊠itâs complicated, and I donât always handle it in the most healthy ways. So, what Iâm trying to say is itâs okay. Itâs okay that youâre stressed and being kind of a dick.â That finally got a laugh out of him. âI get it, and I promise Iâm not gonna hold a grudge or judge you for whatever it is youâve got going on.â
For a minute, he just looked at me, the way Iâd been looking at everyone else lately. Searching for that slip-up. Then, when he didnât see it, Jake finally sighed and said, âSimoneâs finally done with me.â
âWhat?â
âShe said sheâs tired of holding me up and carrying me. Sheâs tired of getting pushed aside and abandoned andâŠâ he shook his head. âSheâs right. Iâve been inconsiderate and⊠I havenât been there for her.â
âYou just said Simone can handle pretty much anything.â
âYeah, but she still needs me.â He looked down at his fingers, picking at them harder. âIâm all sheâs had for so long, and I just drop her the second I get the chance to? What kind of person does that?â
I shook my head and sighed, âYou didnât drop her, Jake.â
âI let her go to the Cape alone for Thanksgiving, knowing full well what her family is like. She needed me, and I wasnât there. I chose not to be there.â
âSimone knows what that place does to you.â I lifted his chin with my hand. âThat wasnât you abandoning her. It was you setting a boundary. She shouldnât have asked you to choose between her and your own well-being.â
âSheâs been trying to get a hold of me all week, and Iâve just been -â
âBusy.â I smiled, soft and kind, desperately trying to reassure him. âItâs not like you were out partying and having the time of your life without answering her calls on purpose. Youâve been busy trying to help me, Nana, Peter, Patrick, and Quinn. You havenât been selfishly or purposefully ignoring her. Shit just got in the way. She should understand that.â
âShe-â
âHow many times has she had to blow you off because something important came up?â
His eyes finally met mine. âA few.â
With a nod, I stroked his cheek. âI think youâre entitled to have things come up, too.â
âThanks,â he whispered, a look of guilt still stuck in his ocean eyes. âIâm⊠Iâm sorry for scaring you earlier.â
I tilted my head and smiled, âDo I look scared to you?â
âDonât,â he answered desperately. âDonât excuse what I did.â
âYou didnât do anything,â I replied, squeezing his cheek. âAnd I wasnât scared of you.â
I could never be scared of you.
âSo, Claudeâs just an asshole?â Jake asked, quietly clearing his throat.
âYeah,â I answered. âHe's not gonna hurt her, Jake. I promise.â
âWhy do you hate him then?â he shook his head and added, âAside from him being an asshole.â
âHe used to be my friend. My only friend afterâŠâ I swallowed hard and quickly moved on. âBut then he started using and getting into trouble, and he thought it was funny to pull me into it. He'd steal things and plant them on me, ruin Tony's favorite suits and blame me for it.â
âSounds fucked up.â
âThe worst was when he'd pull me along on his âfield trips'. Heâd sneak us out and tell me they said it was fine that we went to the bar, or to some party for a few hours. I'd have fun, and then Tony would march in and absolutely lose it.â I pulled away, settling back against his coffee table and lost myself in the words - in the odd feeling of relief that came with saying them out loud. Saying them to him. âThat's what happened on my birthday. Claude said it was all part of Tony's gift to me⊠We went to some shitty bar. He got shitfaced and disappeared. Tony found me and⊠we were driving back to his place, and he was so angry. He held a knife to my throat and⊠I honestly thought he was finally mad enough to just do it.â My hand lifted, fingers tentatively gliding over the scar left behind. The words were harder to get out this time, but Iâd somehow still managed to say them. âI donât know, I guess I realized I actually wanted to live⊠or maybe Iâd just finally had enough, so I sort of jumped out of his car.â
Jake's expression was sadder than I'd anticipated when I looked up. His brows had furrowed, and his lips were pressed into a thin line. Sad as he looked, it wasn't pity like I was used to. It was anger wrapped in sorrow and shock and⊠Guilt. It was like somehow, Jake felt everything I did, and it terrified me.
Clearing my throat, I looked away and sat up straighter. This isnât about you, I scolded myself. âThankfully, Dom was close by. He helped me out, and I took off running through the snow til I found my dad.â
âIâŠâ Jake shook his head. âIâm fucking terrible at this.â
âYouâre better at it than you think,â I answered. âBesides, weâre here for you tonight, not for me.â
âLena-â
âNope. Shush.â I moved, sitting in his lap and pressing my finger to his lips. âTonight this is a Lenaâs bullshit free zone.â
His lips lifted beneath my finger. âI think thereâs enough room for both of our bullshit.â
I glanced around and sucked in a breath. âI dunno, your apartment its pretty crowded already.â
âWe can make room.â
âLater, maybe,â I said kissing his head. âBut, right now itâs my turn to take care of you.â
He made a sound that sounded too much like protesting.
âItâll go a lot easier once you just accept it,â I urged.
âFine,â he huffed, arms wrapping around me. âCoddle me, princess.â
âIâm not gonna coddle you.â
âNo?â
âNo.â
âNot even if I said please?â
âNo,â I replied, stifling a laugh.
Jake was quiet for a minute before he quietly asked, âWhat if I said pretty please?â
âOh my god, do you have to make this so hard?â
âAbsolutely.â
I stood up from his lap, ignoring his protests, and pulled him into the bathroom. âCome on, jerk.â
With gentle hands and a lot of patience, I pulled his clothes off him and carefully helped him step into the tub. I guided him into the spray of hot water, quickly asking, "Is it too hot?"
"No," Jake answered, relaxing into my body as I too stepped into the shower. "It's perfect."
"Good.â I kissed his collarbone. âNow turn around so I can wash your hair.â
I lathered his soap on my hands and carefully lifted myself onto the tips of my toes to reach Jakeâs head properly. The suds turned his dark hair white as I massaged his scalp with my nails. He groaned quietly. âThat feels nice.â
Laughing, I pressed my body into his. âItâs supposed to.â
âDonât be so smug,â he teased, quietly moaning as my hands slid down to massage his shoulders.
âCareful,â I whispered. âAll those pretty noises might get you into trouble.â
Jake smiled then, likely recalling him telling me something similar. âI like trouble.â
âOh, I know.â
After a long massage, he tipped his head back into the water, rinsing the suds from his hair and letting the hot water relax whatever knots remained in his body. After he was clean, I slid past him to switch places. I used his soap and shampoo without even thinking - without even having to. His arms wrapped around me, and his lips pressed to my shoulder, to the scar on my skin. This time, I leaned into his touch.
We stood in that shower for what felt like hours before I finally managed to pull myself and him from the warmth and back out into his living room. Hemingway had pulled himself out from beneath the couch and curled up on the edge of Jakeâs bed. His eyes watched us both as I dug through Jakeâs drawers and found both of us clothes for the night.
I carefully shoved him into bed and tidied up his apartment before I turned the lights off and locked the door. The city lights illuminated the room enough for me to make my way to bed and crawl in beside him. The shapes of light played across his ceiling in the way I found so comforting as Jake pulled me into him.
"You used the key," he quietly mumbled.
I blushed, feeling oddly giddy about a dumb spare key. âYeah, thatâs kind of what it was for.â
My fingers traced Jake's tattoos, and his traced mine. Neither of us said anything else. We didnât need to. And, for the first time in a long time, that silence felt peaceful. I nuzzled my head into his chest and closed my eyes.
*
Waking up that morning felt groggy and still slightly heavy from the night before. So much had been shared between the two of us, not all of it in words but in that odd understanding we had established between one another. Part of me felt lighter for it, while the other felt consumed with dread at knowing that at any moment it could change everything between us. Jakeâs weight was pressed into me, basically pinning me to the bed, and somewhere in the apartment, Hemingway was wailing for his food.
âFeedthecat,â I grumbled into his chest.
He grumbled, âYoufeedthedamncat.â
âHeâsyourcat.â
âIstolehimremember?â
Finally, I slapped his arm. âFiiinnneee, move so I can feed him.â
Jake rolled off me, curling himself back up in the bed without a fight. I found the cat food quickly and lazily scooped it into his bowl, plopping it down on the ground in front of him and finally silencing his wails. The second he began eating, I stumbled back into the bed, flopping down on Jakeâs back.
âWhat time is it?â He eventually asked, likely because the sun had begun to slip in through his curtains and shine right in his eyes.
I turned my head and glanced at the clock on his nightstand. âAlmost ten.â
He groaned. âBreakfast?â
âCooking or going out?â I asked, still half asleep.
âEither.â
Sitting up, I stretched out and walked to his fridge. âHoly shit, did you actually go shopping?â
Jake stretched too, and I didnât even try to hide the way I admired every second of his muscles. âWell, I kind of had to. If youâre gonna be staying the night every so often, Iâm gonna need to have the essentials to keep you from finding another dickhead bartender to shack up with.â
âSo thoughtful,â I jokingly mused. âYou gonna cook for me too?â
He stood up and slowly made his way to my side, pulling me in close and pressing a kiss to my lips. âHow about we both cook?â
âYouâll still owe me two breakfasts.â
Rolling his eyes, he nodded. âIâm aware.â
âAlright then, what are we making?â
I was slightly surprised by just how well Jake and I moved in the kitchen together. We didnât clash or disagree. We just shared the space in a way that was entirely foreign to me. Even with my brothers, we fought over space and spices, and almost every time we all cooked together, someone was upset with how it tasted.
With Jake, it felt easy. Heâd hand me something before I could even ask for it. Iâd clean up something before heâd even ask me to. It was the perfect push and pull. A state of total balance that I found myself actually enjoying.
After breakfast, we just curled up on the couch and watched old movies together like it was the most normal thing in the world. Jake, Hemingway, and I. An unlikely trio, napping together on an unlikely gifted couch. It was perfect.
âAbout last night,â Jake began softly. âIâm sorry for being such a dick.â
âYou werenât a dick,â I reassured him. âAnd you donât need to apologize.â
He cleared his throat. âSimoneâs fine, by the way. She texted me before we woke up, gushing about her date.â
I chuckled. âWell, she wonât be gushing for long if they keep seeing each other. Claudeâs not good at keeping up good behavior.â
Jake laughed a little too, his arms wrapping around me just a bit tighter. âThanks. For not leaving me alone.â
âThanks,â I responded. âFor not throwing me out on my ass.â
âI could never,â he replied. âYour ass is way too nice for that.â
When the day had rolled by, Jake and I finally managed to drag ourselves out of his apartment and to the Chinese place beneath his for a late lunch. My phone rang halfway through our meal. âPatrick,â I answered Jakeâs unspoken question.
He hummed, still shoveling rice into his mouth. âIf he mentions me missing training, blame it on the cat.â
I rolled my eyes. âSure thing.â
Patrick spoke before I could even say hello. âOi, where the hell did you put the ice skates?â
âStorage shed, first box on the left. It should be on the top,â I happily replied, suddenly filled with a rush of excitement. âWe doing that today?â
âHell yeah, we are,â Patrick practically shouted with a laugh. âBring your boyfriend too. I wanna watch him fall on his ass!â
I faked a laugh, but I also wanted to see Jake in ice skates. âYouâre hilarious.â
âI know.â
âSee you there.â
He grunted over the line, likely pulling the storage shed door open. âDonât be late or Nana will have my head!â
Jake swallowed his food and nodded towards me. âWhatâs goin on?â
I leaned forward with a dumb, wide grin. âDo you have ice skates?â
His face scrunched up. âNo. Why the fuck would I have ice skates?â
âOh, this is gonna be fantastic,â I replied quickly, leaving money at our table and grabbing his hand. âCome on, weâve got some shopping to do.â
âWhat does that mean?â He grabbed another piece of bacon off his plate and followed after me.
âWe Harrows have many family traditions,â I started. âOne of which is going ice skating every year sometime before Christmas.â
âIce skating?â
âYeah, you ever done it?â
âNo,â Jake scoffed.
I bumped him with my elbow. âToo childish for you?â
He bumped me back. âSomething like that.â
âWell, you donât have to come.â Shrugging my shoulders, I glanced up at him. âBut, it might be kind of fun.â
âFor you guys, Iâm sure,â he laughed. âWatching me fall on my ass a bunch of times is right up your alley.â
âOh, donât worry. Iâll be there the whole time to show you the ropes.â I winked. âIf you think you can handle that.â
âI can handle anything you Harrows throw at me,â Jake assured. âSo, what do we need?â
As we hurried through the rest of the afternoon, running store to store to get Jake the equipment heâd need, I couldnât help but admire him. Even though it was something totally new to him, he didnât seem nervous or apprehensive. Jake ran headfirst into whatever unknown I presented him. Maybe he trusted me, or maybe I was just one of the few people he allowed himself to be a little bit childish with.
Either way, I liked it. I liked seeing him smile that big, big smile that he hardly ever let himself keep for long. I liked hearing him laugh, loud and deep and full. I liked watching him fumble a little to the point where heâd get that determined look in his beautiful eyes.
I like you, I thought, watching him try on another pair of skates. I like you more than I should and yet⊠He glanced up at me with that smile and that laugh, and it felt like my heart skipped a beat. Like isnât a strong enough word for this.
The sun had begun to set when we finally finished and grabbed a cab to the rink my family always rented out for the night. Jake was a ball of energy, asking question after question about what he should expect from his first time ice skating. When we pulled up, Quinn and Ari were the first to greet us. Quinn grinned from ear to ear as she gave Jake a one-armed hug. âI knew you wouldnât be able to resist!â
âResist?â He questioned, glancing over at me. âYou expect me to resist that face?â
I batted my lashes and leaned on his shoulder. âIâm adorable, I know.â
Ari took hold of Quinnâs hand as we made our way inside. âYouâre all so adorable.â
âSo are you,â Quinn replied with a kiss.
Jake quickly asked, âWho exactly thought I wasnât gonna show?â
Patrick saw him instantly, standing up tall and cheering. âLittle brother, you made it!â He turned and nudged Peter. âTold ya.â
âPeter,â Jake deadpanned. âI thought we were cool.â
âSorry, man, I just didnât think youâd wanna risk lookinâ like a dumbass in front of my sister.â
With a nod, Jake waved him off. âNot a problem.â
âYeah, he looks like a dumbass the majority of the time,â I said, quickly accepting my bag of gear from Pat.
âOuch,â he replied. âYouâre supposed to be on my side, princess.â
I smirked. âOh? Sorry, sweetie.â Turning to my brother, I shrugged. âFuck off, Pete.â
He rolled his eyes and shook his head. âYou two are cute.â
âYeah, disgustingly adorable,â Quinn shouted from the top of the stand.
Standing up, I stretched my arms out, âIs this not what you wanted? Are you not entertained?!â
âRelax, Maximus,â Ozzy said as he came in through the door with Nana and Abdul close behind him. He glanced at Jake, eyes widening slightly as he did a double-take. âOh, you came?â
Pat pointed at him. âYou owe me twenty!â
Jake scoffed. âEven you?â
âSorry, dear boy,â Oz offered, giving him a pat on the back. âJust didnât think youâd be interested.â
Once I was absolutely ready, it felt like I was buzzing. Jake had insisted on trying to lace his skates on his own, an admirable idea that was proving just a bit too hard for him, not that heâd admit it. I swayed side to side, anxiously waiting and suppressing the urge to just take over and toss him into the rink. After a minute or two, Peter just waved me out towards the ice. âGo ahead and get it warmed up for us, sis.â
From his spot on the ground, helping Katie with her skates, Patrick nodded. âIâll help Jake get geared up.â
âThanks,â I answered, giving Jake a thumbs up. âTheyâll take good care of you for a minute. Then youâre all mine, newbie.â
He rolled his eyes. âWhy am I starting to feel like Iâm gonna regret this?â
âYou wonât!â I swore. âYou might be bruised and sore as all hell tomorrow, but you wonât regret it!â
âUh-huh. Whatever you say, princess.â
I stuck my tongue out at him and made my way down the stairs and to the edge of the rink. The ice stretched endlessly out in front of me, and the second my skates hit the smooth, chilled surface, I was back there with my motherâs hand in mine.
âPlease, Jules?â Iâd begged, holding the larger manâs hands in mine. âPlease just this once!â
He stared at me for a minute, face blank as it often was, before he sighed and relented. âFine. Just this once, and Iâm staying the whole time. The second I say go, we go. No arguments.â
I nodded fiercely. âI promise!â
âGo, get ready. And make sure the housekeeper knows the rules.â
Wrapping my arms around him, I smiled for the first time in months. âThank you.â
He awkwardly patted my back. âSure thing, kiddo.â
I gave Rada a thumbs up, and she practically squealed with delight. âGo, get ready! Quick before he changes his mind!â
Jules drove us to the furthest rink he could find and booked a private session. It wasnât fancy or lavish like anything Tony would have set up, but that just made me feel better⊠safe. Rada helped me with my skates and took hold of my hand as we stepped out onto the ice.
It was cold, I could feel it even with all the layers I wore. Stepping onto the ice felt like stepping out into the air. The blade of the skates caught and wobbled awkwardly as I tried to follow Radaâs movements. Eventually, the older woman slid out in front of me and took hold of my arms. âHold on, Lyubov.â
We twisted and twirled, dancing across the ice together in a way that reminded me of dancing with Francois. The reminder felt like a punch to the gut, but before it could consume me, Rada laughed, throwing her head back as she pulled me across the ice. I watched her feet move, gliding along the ice like it was nothing. âWhere did you learn to do this?â
âI am Russian, my dear Lena,â she replied. âI was born on the ice!â
I couldnât help but laugh, smile, and enjoy myself when Rada twirled me around. I wouldnât last forever, but it could last long enough for now. So, despite the feeling of Juleâs eyes boring into the back of my head, despite the knowledge that I would return to that penthouse, I let myself be happy.
The blade of my skates cut through the ice like it was water as I put one foot in front of the other, gliding and twisting like leaves in the wind. I felt it all just melt away, all that was left of the bad memories part of me still clung to, even after letting the time pass. Out on the ice, I felt free.
*
He couldnât take his eyes off her, which he knew wasnât really all that surprising, but the second her feet hit the ice, she became⊠something else. The tension in her body slipped away with every twist and turn and delicate shuffle of her feet. Her body contorted in ways heâd previously thought impossible. Lena looked like a vision - more than a vision, she looked heavenly.
Watching her glide across the ice like she was weightless somehow made him feel lighter just by being there. Simoneâs words still hung over him. The fear that sheâd actually go through with it this time and cut him out of her life entirely still made him feel heavy. But, here, now, in that singular moment, it was just her, Lena, on the ice. If she can be weightless after everything sheâs been through, then so can I.
Patrick helped him with his skates, giving him some version of advice that absolutely didnât stick in Jakeâs head as he, and everyone else, was enraptured by Lenaâs movements. With a pat to his knee, Patrick stood and settled into the seat beside him. âYouâre all set to get out there and tear it up, little brother.â
âHow long have you guys been doing this?â He asked without thinking.
âSince she got back.â
âThatâs not as long as I would have thought.â She looks like sheâs been doing this her whole life.
âYeah, well, we had to figure out something to do with her around the holidays. She was⊠It was hard, at first. Sheâd lock herself in her room most days and either blow up or burst into tears at any given moment. So, one night, the old man came home and told us we were going ice skating. She was good at it, like annoyingly good, never learned where she learned how to do it, but once she got out there on the ice, she was different.â Patrick smiled, eyes tracing Lenaâs every move with a mixture of awe and joy, making him look lighter than he had in weeks. âShe was my little sister again, you know?â
He watched her again, instantly clocking the difference in her. She seemed so happy⊠maybe happier than Jake had ever even seen her. âI get it.â
âWord of warning,â Patrick continued. âSheâs gonna be so good at this, and you are not. And the worst part is, sheâs gonna be so happy you wonât even be able to be mad at her for it.â
âThat sounds about right,â he sighed, forcing himself onto his feet even though he wobbled. âTry not to make too much fun of me when I faceplant two seconds into this.â
âNo promises, little brother.â
âFigures.â
Jake made his way to the edge of the rink, staring down at the ice like it was some trick. Lenaâs feet slid into view as she stopped herself in front of him. âYou ready, tough guy?â
He shook his head, trying not to get lost in the way her eyes sparkled. âAm I about to make a total ass of myself?â
âOh, absolutely,â she teased, taking hold of his hands and pulling him forward. âDonât worry, Iâll be gentle.â
The second his skates hit the ice, he felt like he was falling. His body slid backwards while his feet slid forwards, and if it werenât for Lena holding onto him, Jake was certain heâd have eaten shit. Her grip tightened, and that melodious laugh bubbled up out of her throat. She sounded so damn happy he couldnât bring himself to even glare at her. Pat was right, that is annoying.
Lenaâs legs curved and twisted, and Jake tried his best to follow her movements until he eventually got somewhat of a hang of it. With a wide smile, Lena slowly let go of his hands and let him skate on his own. He kept putting one foot in front of the other, shakily propelling himself forward. âThis isnât so bad.â
âWell, you look fantastic,â she praised, maybe teased, but heâd take it.
His speed steadily built until Lena was fully skating backwards in front of him. âHow do I slow down?â
Before she could answer, the tip of his blade caught on the ice, and Jake flew forward into the cold, rock-solid ground. Lena was beside him in seconds, stifling her laughter and making sure he wasnât dead or concussed. Her red hair draped around them as she smiled down at him. âWell, thatâs one way.â
âOw.â From almost every angle, Jake could hear the laughter and cheers of the Harrow gang, both making fun of his misfortune and asking if he was dead. He lifted his arm and gave them all the middle finger. âEveryone but Nana and Pop Pop can fuck off!â
âHeâs fine,â Quinn whined. âI was hoping the fall would fix your shitty attitude!â
âLanguage!â Nana quickly scolded.
Lena laughed again and helped him sit up. âYou wanna go sit down?â
Jake scoffed and tilted his head. âWho do you think youâre talking to? Iâm just getting started.â
He could tell his response was exactly what she wanted to hear by the way her smile grew. She stood up straight and offered him her hand. âWell, come on then, letâs not keep your adoring fans waiting.â
*
We spent almost two hours skating, and by the end of it, Jake could actually move without falling on his ass or ramming into the sides of the rink. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much, and I couldnât remember the last time I laughed as loudly as I did trying to coach him. It felt normal, in the best way, like heâd always been a part of ice skating with us. Like he fit perfectly into my life without even trying.
Nana led the charge from there, putting on her bossy face and marching everyone towards the giant tree that New York City was famous for during the holidays. Most natives would rather do anything but attempt to get pictures around the damn thing in the midst of the holiday rush, but to Nana, it was all part of the tradition.
âWhy do we have to do it at this specific tree?â Jake asked her from our place in the middle. âWouldnât it be easier to just put a tree up in the diner and take it there?â
âEasier does not mean better,â Nana reminded before she jumped into the story my family had heard every year. âWhen Abdul and I came to America, we had nothing to our names but the clothes on our backs and one very old camera. We built our life slowly, through hardships and obstacles, and great blessings. And, our first Christmas here, Abdul and I got lost in this city, among all the lights and the people. We found this tree and took our very first picture in America. From that day forward, we always come back and take a picture. Our family has grown over the years,â She smiled back at us. âBut no matter what we always come and take pictures together.â
For a minute, Jake seemed uncomfortable, or sad maybe. His smile faltered, and an old, painful look made him look older than he was. I reached over and took his hand in mine, cautiously assuring him, âYou okay?â
He nodded, clearing his throat and pushing whatever it was that bothered him to the side. His hand squeezed mine back. âYeah, Iâm alright. Itâs a nice tradition.â
We stopped walking once the tree came into view. Nana gave Abdul a kiss and quickly started giving orders, âAbdul, clear a path! Ozzy, get the children camera-ready. Every couple gets a picture, and then weâll get one all together. It is busy, and the tourists are rude, so we must move quickly!â
âWhat if someone tries to cut in front of us?â Quinn asked, like she had every year, just to hear Nanaâs reply.
Nana sighed and shook her head. âJust this once, I give you all permission to shove.â
âHell yeah!â She cheered, bumping into Jake. âThatâs my favorite part.â
Ozzy fussed over everyone, carefully fixing peopleâs hair and covering up any bruises they mightâve gotten from ice skating. He was the order in the chaos. Every prompt Nana gave out, Ozzy and Abdul were the ones to carry them out.
Peter and Isaac were first. They were modest about it, holding their united hands tightly between their bodies. To anyone else, they wouldâve just looked like two friends standing close together.
Quinn and Ari were next, adopting Peter and Isaacâs tactics to look as normal as possible just in case the crowd still raging around us wouldnât notice. After a cute picture, Quinn begged and pleaded until Nana cracked and let them pose in a silly manner.
Patrick and Katie went after them. Pat wrapped her up in his arms and dipped her into a deep kiss. They were both smiling like idiots afterwards, trying to ignore the way we all whooped and hollered.
Nana waved at Jake and me. âGo on, you two. Youâre next.â
âOh, Nan, I donât know if thatâsâŠâ
âI wasnât really prepared for picturesâŠâ
Jake and I glanced at each other after both of our protests started and ended at the same time. The old womanâs face fell, a horrible sight that made us both feel like shit in seconds. âYou two are not taking a picture together?â
Scratching the back of his head, Jake awkwardly shrugged, clearly not sure what to do. âI dunno.â
âYou donât have to,â I told him, quickly. âItâs not like a big deal or anything, and weâre⊠new. I always just take one by myself.â
Quinn scoffed. âNot always. You and Sammy got a real good picture together when you two were messing around.â
I sent her a glare before turning to reassure Jake that it wasnât a big deal and that Quinn was just a bitch, but his hand wrapped around mine before I could. âWhat-â
âWeâre taking a picture,â he replied, gently pulling me towards the tree.
Nana practically cheered as she lifted her camera and urged Abdul to begin his shouting at the tourists who were getting too close. I stood stiffly next to Jake, my mind still reeling from the fact that I hadnât planned this. My face felt hot, and I was sure it was just as red. Hopefully, I can just blame it on the cold.
As Nana messed with her camera, I shuffled a little closer to Jake and whispered, âYou really donât have to take one, if you donât want to, you know?â
He looked down at me and smiled. âI know. I⊠I do want to.â
I smiled too, getting lost in the peaceful expression on his face and the way it felt⊠right, standing next to him. I didnât even register the click of the cameraâs shutter, nor the blinding flash that indicated Nana had taken her photo. All I cared about was Jake here, with me.
With a chorus of aws, Nana quickly shooed us out of the way and shoved Ozzy up to the front. Peter tapped my shoulder, quickly pulling me out of my daze, and he, Patrick, and I rushed up to join Oz for his picture. Quinn made quick work of making fun of Jake while I was gone.
âQuickly,â Nana urged once the picture was secured. She set up her very old, very unstable tripod and positioned the camera as all of us gathered around.
Jake stood awkwardly by the camera, staring at all of us with a confused look on his face. I nodded him over. "You coming?"
He hesitated and I could have sworn I saw tears building in his eyes. "I..."
Nana vigorously waved him forward. "Jake! Quickly, my habibi!"
With an unsteady breath, he quickly stepped forward, finding a spot beside me at the edge of the group. We shoved together, all of us around Nana and Abdul, and smiled as the timer went down. Jake squeezed my hand as the camera flashed, and Nana was back to shooing.
She fixed some settings and handed the camera to Ozzy. âDo not mess it up, Oswald!â
âI wouldnât dare!â He replied, taking his place in front of them.
Nana and Abdul went last. They always did. They held each other close, smiling as brightly as the lights on the tree behind them. I settled back into my spot beside Jake, our hands still entwined. As they took their picture, my silly brain couldnât help but think something completely and utterly damning. Maybe thatâs what Jake and I will look like eventually.
Long after pictures had been taken and our group started heading back to the diner, Jakeâs hand stayed in mine, and neither of our smiles ever faded.

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holy fucking. what the fuck. how the fuck. i need air asap. i need this old man NOW
Nightshade
Chapter 27 | Chapter 29
Chapter 28: Serendipity
TW: As always: the tw does contain spoilers! This fic has language, mentions of drugs and alcohol, sex, nudity, general mentions of violence, past abuse, and soooo on. Okay y'all we've got a lot to get into for this chapter. It's longer (like the good old days xD) so buckle up! We have lots of trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms coming in. Some good old-fashioned lashing out, crash outs, and some family bonding to hold us together. Lena is going through it, and Jake is starting to really feel some salt in some old wounds he thought he'd forgotten about. We've got some heavy talks. Tess makes an appearance! We've got some good old alleyway smut, things kind of starting to get back to normal. And, because it's me, one last cliffhanger! It absolutely will not be the last!
Enjoy! â€ïž
Soft sobs echoed down the stairs as Jake quietly made his way up the steps. Each board quietly creaked beneath his small feet. Heâd yet to memorize the pattern of them, which ones were pliant and which were steady. The long hallway was dark, all light having long faded as the sun had gone down. Jake was still a little scared of the dark here. It was new⊠or new enough, he guessed. At the top, he hesitated, looking out into that darkness with wide, fearful eyes.
âBe brave,â he told himself. âShe needs you to be brave.â
He closed his eyes and breathed for a moment before continuing forward toward the sound. Her bedroom door was cracked open, the sliver of light from her lamp illuminated her in a halo of warm light as she sat on the edge of her bed and wept. She looked beautiful and sad, just like his mom had on those long stormy nights.
Simone was strong and brave and selfless. Ever since heâd met her, Jake looked at her like she was the sun. Everything in her orbit thrived, safe and warm and loved. Oh, how he wanted to be in that orbit, to feel loved and safe and needed. Even sad, Simone radiated that light he chased.
With a gentle push, he let the door squeak a little, drawing her gaze to him. âSimone?â
âJake,â she breathed, sniffling and wiping her eyes. âDid you have a bad dream?â
He nodded. Even if it was a lie, it seemed like a good one in this instance. âAre you okay?â
She shook her head and waved him to her side. âDonât worry about me. Come on.â
The blankets were soft as he rolled himself inside them just to hear her laugh. âThank you.â
With a gentle touch, she wiped the hair out of his eyes. âWere you on the couch again?â
âYeah.â
âYou have a bed, you know,â she scolded lightly. âAnd a room all to yourself.â
âIt still feels⊠different.â
She pursed her lips and nodded, quietly rubbing his arms. âI suppose I understand. Still, you should really try to sleep in there. It wonât start feeling normal unless you make it normal.â
âI know,â he whispered. âWhy⊠why were you crying?â
âJake,â she sighed.
âWas your dad mean to you again?â
She laughed joylessly and rolled her eyes. âWhen isnât he?â
Jake thought for a long moment. âMaybe he wasnât trying to be mean. Maybe he was just worried about you and wanted to prot-â
âUgh,â she groaned, angrily shoving herself - or him - away. âWhy do you always do that?â
âWhat?â he mumbled, fear making him freeze within her covers. What did I say wrong this time? He wondered.
âYou always have to defend him, instead of me. Am I not important enough for you to take my side once in a while?â She demanded, coldly. Jake opened his mouth to reply - to dissuade the allegations she so cruelly spewed at him, but Simone continued, nonetheless. âNothing is sacred to you! Nothing is ever enough for you to see me and trust me and love me!â
âI do see you.â He hurried in his reply. âI wasnât defending him, I was just'-â
âJust taking his side, like always. God, youâre just like him.â
Donât say that, he thought, fighting back tears.
âSelfish, rude, dismissive⊠entirely useless when I actually need your help.â
He sniffled, a few tears sliding past his guard. âIâm sorry.â
Simoneâs face softened only slightly as she sighed and stroked his cheeks free of tears. âDonât be sorry, Jake. Be better.â
With a nod, he swore to her and himself, âI will be.â
âGood.â She smiled. âNow, climb in, and Iâll read you a bit of my book before you go to your room.â
âThanks.â He climbed into her bed, settling into her arms and soaking up as much of that warmth as he could before the moment came when sheâd inevitably cast him from her bed and back out into the dark.
âBreathe, habibi. I have you.â
His feet felt like they were coated in concrete as he stood helplessly by the door and watched Lena sob into Nanaâs shoulder. All night, Lena had done her damndest to look determined and strong, and for the most part, she did. She almost always did in Jakeâs eyes. Now, however, she looked so small. Now, it was like he was seeing that thirteen-year-old girl that sheâd kept buried.
The pain was so visceral, heâd wondered how sheâd ever managed to hide it at all. Is this how she always feels? He wondered, still unable to tear his eyes from her shaking form. That thought alone made him feel an undeniable surge of rage and guilt that almost made him want to throw up. Useless. Youâre fucking useless even now. Especially now.
It took every ounce of his control not to march out the door, Domâs order damned. One look at Patrick and Peter told him they felt the same. Both brothers stood with their backs to the counter, Abdul firmly planted in front of them, both giving some speech he couldnât hear. But, by the looks on their faces, it was something theyâd heard before.
Jake wasnât used to this feeling. Heâd made it a point not to get close enough to anyone but Simone, so he wouldnât have to feel twice as useless as he usually did. He hadnât expected this - any of it. It was real in that horrifying way that made him want to run as far away as he could get. If it had been anyone else, he probably would have already been gone. It wasnât just anyone, though. It was her. His Lena.
So, no matter how horrible he felt just standing there like some useless dumbass, Jakeâs feet were planted. Nothing was going to pull him away from her side. Not even the phone that had begun buzzing in his pocket.
*
Not even Nanaâs steady arms wrapped around me could pull me from the torrent of memories. It felt like it was all flashing right before my eyes - like I was living it all over again and nothing could stop it. All I could do was sob and brokenly hold onto her.
I just want it to be over, I thought, only half listening to her prayer. I just want it to end.
The bells chimed, and Domâs familiarly heavy footsteps echoed across the floor. I could hear him talking to my brothers, to Jake, but their words were muffled and muddled in an incoherent slew. As their noise faded, and his steps began to approach, Nanaâs arms tightened around me. âIs it safe, Dominic?â
âYeah,â he answered quietly. Safe. Even the word felt like a trap, but it still made me stop sobbing.
Nana kissed my head and gently pulled my face up to meet hers. Gentle hands wiped the tears from my eyes as she smiled. âYou are safe, habibi.â
Domâs hand landed on my shoulder. âHeâs not here.â
âNot anymore,â I mumbled. âBut he was.â
âCan I talk to her, Nan?â he asked.
The old woman glanced at him and then back at me, hesitating to let go until I gave her that nod. I took a few deep breaths, trying to clear my head and put that strong, fearless mask back on. âIâm okay.â
âHabibi,â she whispered, pressing her head to mine and uttering one more prayer before she finally stood and let Dom take her seat.
He took a single glance at me and then lifted his eyes to the room of people. âGive us a minute.â
Before the protesting could begin, I raised my hand and looked back at my brothers and Jake. âIâm fine. Really. I just⊠I need to talk to Dom.â
I tried not to let the hurt in their eyes sit with me too long, but Jakeâs⊠it settled quicker than it should have. Guilt and insecurity after insecurity bubbled up beneath my skin the longer I looked at his sad, concerned, beautiful face. Nana and Abdul were the first to move, gently pulling Peter into agreement. Patrick eventually swallowed the anger that was so clear on his face and bumped Jakeâs shoulder. âLetâs go, little brother.â
Jake paused a second longer, those ocean eyes I knew so well, swimming with everything I never wanted to see in them. Here it comes, I told myself. He starts hating you tonight. âIâll be right outside,â he said, as though heâd read my mind and needed me to hear him.
The bells chimed again, and silence smothered everything else. Dom waited until theyâd stopped entirely before he spoke. âDo you want to know what he left?â
âNo,â I answered, instantly, shaking my head. âI just want it gone.â
âDone.â He sighed, slowly reaching out to take my hand. âThere were no other signs of him. Heâs not lurking in some corner.â
âOzzy, Quinn, Prue⊠everyone at the partyâŠâ I mumbled. âI need to make sure theyâre safe.â
âAlready done.â Dom lowered his head, meeting my frantic gaze. âBreathe. Everyoneâs safe.â
I wiped away another tear. âWe need to check the gym.â
âLena,â he whispered, taking hold of my face. âI already did it. Everything has been taken care of. Everything is safe.â
A ragged breath stuttered from my lips as I whimpered, âHe was in my apartment.â
Domâs jaw locked. âI know. I⊠Iâm sorry I didnât see it coming.â
I didnât see it coming either. It all felt so fucking helpless. Each year, it was the same song and dance, and yet I could never predict what heâd do. My shoulders slacked, and for the first time in a long time, I let myself be absolutely honest. âIâm tired, Dom. Iâm so fucking tired.â
He pulled me into his arms. âI know, kid. I know.â
Ever since that night in the snow, Iâd been surviving by the scrape of my teeth and bruises on my knuckles. Every year, every new fucked up way Tony could think to fuck with me, Iâd kept clinging to the life Iâd fought for. When my dad was alive, it felt easier. It was like he and I were holding the same boulder up, keeping it from crushing everyone else, and now that he wasnât, I felt the full weight of it all on my shoulders.
After his passing, Iâd forged myself invisible armor, hellbent on fulfilling that silent promise weâd made to each other. Be strong. Be fearless. No matter what happens, take care of them. At first, it had been easy - easier at least - but as the years rolled by and Tonyâs cruelty got worse and worse, I could feel myself sinking further and further until it felt like there was no armor at all.
âSink or swim.â
âWhoever they are, wherever they are, if I want them dead, then they die. Youâd do well to remember that.
âI hope you know what youâre getting them into.â
âJust breathe, Lena,â Dom urged.
I squeezed my eyes shut, counting each breath and trying to listen to Domâs voice. Without opening my eyes, for fear of letting loose more tears, I whispered, âI donât ever want to go back there again.â
Dom sighed. âIâll have my boys pack it all up and bring it to the gym.â
âThank you.â
âDonât thank me for this, kid. It never shoulda happened.â Before I could argue back or make an excuse, Dom stood. âLetâs get you home, okay?â
I didnât have it in me to answer. All I could do was force my body to move, holding Domâs hand in mine as we stepped out into the cold night. The walk to the gym was silent, save for the howling of the wind, and I was grateful for it.
Talking meant questions. Questions meant answers. And answers meant more memories dug to the surface. None of which I wanted to deal with tonight.
Almost every single biker in Domâs crew was standing outside the gym. The ones missing were, I could only assume, out watching everyone else. Once we reached the door, he squeezed my hand and smiled down at me. âYou good from here?â
âYeah,â I answered. âIâll⊠Iâll figure it out.â
âGood. Iâll get to work then.â
âThank you, Dom.â
He pressed his thumb to my forehead, and I wished the simple act would calm that rage of thoughts and old voices inside it. âTry to get some sleep.â
I weakly smiled. âYeah, you too.â
My brothers had taken Jake upstairs by the time I stepped inside. Part of me wanted nothing more than to follow them and curl into his warm embrace, but how could I? How could I force him to comfort me without offering any sort of answer as to why I even needed it?
Everyone else had some of the story, varying degrees of it anyway, but they all knew what it was I tried to forget. Jake was new. Too new to dump all of my trauma onto. And maybe too new for me to risk losing.
Old, ugly words curled up inside my chest. âAfter all youâve done, baby girl, Iâm the only one that will ever understand.â
Swallowing the bitter burn of rage, I turned away from the stairs and turned toward the ring. I dragged an old dummy into the center with me and started punching. My fists ached as the bare skin of my knuckles met the rough material of the dummy. Yet, despite the pain, a sense of relief came with each hit.
*
It was a little awkward, sitting at the Harrow table in the dead of night, listening to the faint sounds of punching going on downstairs. Peter looked exhausted, eyes staring at the door standing between him and his sister. Patrick looked worse, pacing and doing random tasks to keep his hands busy. It reminded him too much of that night and the lie heâd been holding in every moment since.
He watched the hands on the clock move, expecting that when they hit a certain point, the punches would stop and sheâd make her way upstairs. Then, at least, he could hug her - hold her - and do whatever it was he could to make sure she felt safe. But the hands just kept moving, and the punches showed no signs of stopping.
A loud clatter and a scream echoed up the stairs. Jake stood and moved before he could even think about it. It didnât matter what danger heâd be faced with; the only thing he knew was that scream was hers. She needed him. I have to be brave, that small voice said deep inside him. She needs me. He only made it a few steps down before Patrickâs hand curled around his arm and pulled him back. âYou gotta leave it.â
Her screams were laced with sobs that made his body burn. She needs me. He could feel the wetness of his tears begin to slide down his cheeks, but he was powerless to stop it.âI⊠I canât.â
âCome on, little brother,â Pat urged, carefully leading him back into the apartment. âYou gotta let her have this.â
Though he hated to admit it, and heâd deny it tooth and nail later, crying - even if it was only a few tears - actually made him feel better. Neither Peter nor Patrick said anything about it. Hell, theyâd even comforted him. Jake was just glad itâd been them. At least he knew they understood.
Hours passed before the sounds finally stopped. Peter lifted his head from the table and listened carefully. âYou think sheâs out yet?â
Patrick shrugged. âItâs been bout ten minutes.â
âAlright, letâs go.â
The gym looked rough, like a tornado had swept through it. Sandbags had been knocked over, gloves and wrappings strewn about, and dummies dragged from their usual locations. Jake didnât care about any of that, though, as he stepped over the mess and rushed to the side of the ring where the shape of Lena was curled up in the center of the mat.
Heâd almost called out to her, stopped only by the sight of her back rising and falling with each breath she took. The brothers cleaned the place up as quietly as they could until it was like none of it had even happened. Jake couldnât bring himself to help them. He couldnât bring himself to even look away from her until Patrick nudged him. âScoot for a second.â
All he could manage was a step back, allowing Patrick to slide into his place and toss half of an old quilt into the ring. Peter appeared on the other side, slowly sliding half his body into the ring to grab the other corner and pull it over Lenaâs body. Sheâd moved slightly, but didnât wake up.
âWell,â Peter sighed, joining him and Patrick on the other side of the ring for a moment, giving Jake a tiny bump on the shoulder as he passed. âYou survived your first crashout.â
Patrick slapped him on the shoulder. âWelcome to the crew, little brother.â
âIâve been here for months,â he argued, albeit half-heartedly - exhaustedly.
âYeah, but this was your first time seeinâ her this low.â First time. God, how many times was this going to happen? Heâd be there for each one, but⊠part of him worried just how much heâd be able to take before he, too, began to crack. âAnd you did surprisingly well.â
Peter nodded as he pulled a pile of spare blankets and pillows out of one of the cupboards in the back room of the gym. âI was expecting you to fuck up.â
He scoffed, catching one of the tossed pillows. âGee, thanks for the vote of confidence.â
âNothing personal,â the elder brother assured with a sad smile. âWe all fucked up a bit in the beginning.â
âThink of it like a rite of passage,â Pat encouraged. âYou fuck up and boom, youâre in with the gang.â
âDoes my pending membership have any perks?â Jake followed their lead, picking a comfortable adjacent corner of the gym to set up his pillow and blanket.
Both brothers turned and glanced at Lena, still asleep on the mat. âJust one.â
Jake watched her for a long moment, watching her restlessly twitch and toss and turn. All he wanted to do was climb up, pull her in close, and protect her from whatever danger came their way. Deep down, he doubted he could protect her, not from the horrors lodged in her mind so deeply they haunted her even in sleep. Heâd still try, though. He had to.
For Lena, heâd do whatever he could. Fuck up or not. He was hers, and heâd be damned if he didnât act like it.
After what felt like forever, Jake finally closed his eyes. He listened to the sound of her breathing, silently reminding himself that she was there⊠safe⊠alive. He didnât sleep well, but all things considered, heâd had worse.
The next morning, he woke to a gentle boot to the shoulder. With sleep still clinging to his vision, he glared up at the biker now staring down at him. Upon seeing Dom again, he sat up and rubbed the crust from his eyes, quickly asking, âWhatâs goinâ on?â
Dom scoffed. âRelax, tough guy. Iâm just here to relieve you of babysitting duty.â
âWhat?â
âYou should go home.â
Jakeâs eyes narrowed as he stared back. Go home? Like leave? âWhy the fuck would I do that?â
Dom smiled, only a little, as though the answer impressed him. âTake a shower and do whatever else you gotta to process the shit that just went down.â
The reminder of it all suddenly made Jakeâs gaze shift to the mat, where Lena was still curled up beneath the covers. He breathed out a relieved sigh and shook his head. âIâm fine.â
With that, Dom knelt in front of him, a serious look in his eyes. âNo, you arenât, and thatâs okay.â After a long moment, he stood again and turned toward the stairs. âTake some time, Jake. You need it.â
Jake didnât know how long he sat on the floor of the gym that morning, just watching the rise and fall of Lenaâs chest, but it was apparently long enough. Peter and Patrick moved around the space as quietly as they could, acting as though this was simply business as usual. Fuck, maybe it is.
Heâd gotten the speech the day before. Heâd been filled in on the doâs and the donâts and what to do if things did go wrong, so clearly there was some semblance of ânormalâ in the routine he was now witnessing. The reality, however, only made him angrier. This shouldnât be normal, he thought bitterly. This is fucking insane. It shouldnât even be happening. Jake watched Lena for a minute more before he finally stood up and stretched out the tight muscles that now ached from sleeping on the floor.
After he felt like he could actually move again, he picked up his pillow and blanket, returning them to the cupboard Peter had pulled them out of last night, and took watch. He leaned back against the front desk of the gym, eyes fixed on Lena for a minute before they turned and scanned the street outside.
The brothers left him be for a few minutes, but eventually they migrated over. âCanât stand there all day, little brother.â
âIâm just waiting,â he answered.
âFor?â
For her to wake up, he thought. For that son of a bitch to walk through the door.
Patrick looked like he understood without Jake having to actually say any of it. âI get it. I do, but lifeâs gonna keep moving, and you need to move with it.â
âWhat does that mean?â
âIt meansâŠâ He shook his head and shrugged. âIt means you canât get stuck in this moment, this fear. Shitâs gonna happen, and youâre gonna have to learn to roll with the punches.â
Jake looked over at the ring, at Lena still passed out inside it. âYou tell her that?â
He scoffed. âWho do you think the speech was originally for? Our old man was damn good with words, and those are his.â
Peter leaned against the desk beside him. âWe know, just as well as you do, that being here⊠sitting with this⊠Itâs not your only responsibilities.â
âIâve gotta get back and feed the damn cat,â he said eventually, quietly, eyes never leaving Lena.
Patrick gave him that signature hearty pat on the back. âThen get to it.â
âIâŠâ he sighed, running his hands down his face. The exhaustion was hitting him harder than he thought it would. âI donât wanna leave her.â
It was Peterâs turn to wrap an arm around his shoulder and give him a firm shake. âGo take care of what you have to. Sheâll understand.â
Realistically, he knew that Lena wouldnât hold it against him. She knew about the cat, hell, she loved the fuckin thing just as much as he did. But, after all heâd seen last night, Jake struggled with letting her out of his sight. What if something else happens when Iâm gone? What if Iâm not here and she runs off? His mind ran rampant with the memories of her barely treading water, that head of red vanishing beneath the waves. What if-
âOi,â Pat said quietly, shoving Jakeâs head. âGet outta there.â
âYou can play what if with yourself all day, Jake,â Peter added. âItâs not gonna help.â
The big copper-haired man smiled, and for the first time in hours, it actually made Jake feel just a little bit better. âWeâve got this. It ainât like this is our first day on the job.â
He glanced at both brothers and rubbed his eyes. âI justâŠâ
âYou just care.â Peter nodded, an appreciative look on his equally tired features. âWe know. And so does she.â
With a gentle, but firm shove, Patrick corralled him to the door. âGet outta here, little brother. Iâll call you if she needs anything.â
His back pressed against the door, and his chest ached as he stared back at her. âIâll be back.â He didnât really know if he was saying it to her, or them, or to himself, but it was ultimately the only thing that lessened that hurt inside him and allowed him to walk out the door.
Iâll be back. The whole way home, he kept repeating it to himself. Iâll be back.
Hemingway was pissed the moment he walked through the door. Long limbs stretched out from the corner of the island and swatted angrily at his legs as he dished up his food. âSorry, Hem. It was a longer night than I thought itâd be.â
Like a fool, he thought back on the original plan last night. Lena had been smiling - happy - after her break outside. Theyâd only gone to her apartment to grab her some clothes and her toothbrush before heading back to his place. Heâd had it all planned out, even went shopping so he could finally make her one of the proper breakfasts he owed.
I should have just said she could wear my clothes and use my toothbrush. At least then⊠He shook his head. Deep down, he knew it wouldnât have really changed anything. Sure, theyâd have gotten an extra day without⊠this, but she would have had to go back at some point. It still would have been waiting, and god only knew what would have happened if sheâd returned alone.
He set Hemingwayâs bowl on the ground and watched the small cat eat for a minute before it all just boiled over. Angry tears pricked at his eyes and ran hot down his cheeks. With a frustrated cry, he threw the spoon he still held into the sink and screamed. âFUCKâ
That morning, he let himself fall apart. He let himself be pissed and destroy his apartment in some tragic attempt to feel in control. Heâd apologize to Hem when it was all said and done, and then heâd return to Lenaâs side. Even if she just wanted him to sit in silence with her, heâd do it. Heâd do anything for her.
*
I boxed for another hour after I woke up. Throwing punch after punch until my knuckles were rubbed raw and aching. All the while I watched Domâs bikers shuffle in and out, box after box of my old apartment filtering in with them. There goes my freedom, I thought bitterly.
Itâd taken me months of careful planning and an insane amount of luck to even find that apartment. My dad had been so happy that I was going to be close by, and heâd helped fix every appliance and paint every wall. So, losing it now almost felt like losing him all over again.
Eventually, I dragged myself up the stairs and stood in the shower, beneath the hot spray of water for another hour. Everything felt numb. The pain in my hands, the hoarseness of my throat, even the pit that had been lodged in my chest since last night now felt dulled.
It was typical, really, losing something that had meant more to me than I thought. I shouldnât be surprised. This is what he does. Heâll take and take and take until I have nothing left but him.
As if on cue, a frustrated, slightly pained shout echoed through the walls as Patrick tripped on the edge of the table. My lips quirked up in an instant, a dry laugh filling the quiet. Iâm not alone. I breathed, trying to will that one thought - that single reality - cancel out everything else. He canât take them from me.
âHey, Lee,â Patrick called. âWeâre cooking breakfast, you wanna help?â
âSure,â I answered. That was normal. That was something that would help get rid of the lingering anger.
My brothers and I worked side by side. Patrick was on bacon duty while Peter got the bread ready for toast. I was just pulling the plates out from the cupboard when a knock on the door stopped us all in our tracks.
Patrick answered, visibly relaxing once the door was open. âItâs Sam.â
I, however, didnât relax. Sam was amazing in every sense. Honest, kind, and good. Genuinely good. So good it used to make me feel horrible about myself. The only time Sam and I ever had any problems was when Tony showed up and caused trouble. Sam, being the good, honest person he was, fought tooth and nail to have me report him to the police. He fought so hard, I actually did it once, not that it amounted to anything other than Tonyâs increased rage.
Though I loved Sam, trusted him with my life, I didnât want to argue. So, I turned away from the door - from the blonde man now stepping into our apartment. âHey, I⊠I heard about what happened last night. Figured Iâd come check in.â
âItâs over now,â I answered. âIâm fine.â
âThatâs good,â he said quietly. âDo you need anything?â
With a shake of my head, I fought against the rising urge to yell at him. âThereâs nothing else to do, Sam.â
âYou can report it.â
I rolled my eyes, slamming the dishes down into the sink. âJesus fucking Christ.â
Peter reached out, trying to soothe the anger that now boiled over. âLena-â
âWhat do you expect to happen?â I demanded, turning to glare at him. âThat all the corrupt cops will just magically vanish, and something resembling justice will take place?â
âI donât know,â Sam admitted. âBut we can at least try.â
âI have tried. I stood in that fucking courtroom and testified against him, and where did it get me?â I practically threw my hands up at the very thought of it all. The urge to pull my hair and scream until my lungs exploded filled me with that all too familiar burn of rage. âWake up, Sam. Your precious justice doesnât fucking exist. Not here. Not with this.â
âI donât believe that.â
âThen youâre either fucking stupid or naive. Dealersâ choice.â
Sam hid his hurt well, though; this wasnât exactly his first rodeo, nor the first time weâd had this particular argument. âIâm just trying to help.â
Help. The word felt like acid being thrown at me. All anyone wanted to do was help me. All they wanted was to do whatever they could, however they could, to ease the pain and the anger and the complete hopelessness that clung to me every winter. And all I could bring myself to feel was fucking anger.
I could never admit it to any of them, but their help⊠their constant coddling and questions just festered inside me. Eating away at all my rational thoughts and all my love for each one of them until the only thing that I could do was lash out. It always happened, even when Dad had been alive. Someone would say something, do something, so obviously catered to make me feel better that I couldnât stop myself. Every year it hurt, and every year the only thing I could do to alleviate it was to make someone else hurt.
I hated it. I hated him. But, most of all, I hated myself⊠hated the monster Iâd let him turn me into.
âLena,â Sam whispered, soft and caring. âPlease let me help.â
The reaction was instant, like fire meeting gasoline. All my fear and my fury exploded, twisting me and everything I felt until nothing else remained. âTo hell with your help! Get out!â I screamed in his face. âGet the fuck out, Pig!â
Sam took it without flinching. He stood there and let me scream at him, shove him, and in the end, he took one look at my face and smiled. Fucking asshole! He gathered his things and never once stopped smiling at me. âIâm sorry. Just⊠call me if you need me, okay?â
âFUCK OFF!â
The apartment fell into a stiff silence the moment the door shut behind him. I could feel their fear in the very air I breathed. Theyâre terrified of me, I pitifully thought, turning my back to the door and leaning over the sink of now cracked plates. Maybe they should be.
After a long few minutes, Peter cleared his throat. âSo, no cops?â
Patrick chuckled as the tension broke almost instantly. âLooks like we do it to good old fashioned way.â
âThereâs nothing to do,â I insisted, not able to actually turn and face them. âJust⊠leave it to Dom.â
âLee,â Peter sighed. âWeâre family. Weâre not just gonna roll over and let this asshole fuck with you.â
I shook my head and forced the tears in my eyes to remain. âThatâs exactly what youâre gonna do. All of you. Please.â
âOh, to hell with that! Heâs gotta fuckin pay!â
âLEAVE IT!â I screamed, finally turning. âDo you hear yourselves?! What the fuck are you gonna do? Are we all just forgetting what the fuck happens every single time anyone does anything? Dad got the shit beat out of him the first time. Quinn almost got hit by a fucking car! Patrick got too close, and he almost got shot!â
âI got shot,â Patrick grumbled.
âYou got grazed,â Peter hissed back.
My fingers tangled themselves in my hair, pulling as tightly as I could. âIt doesnât matter! Just⊠for the love of God, just leave it alone!â
Patrick was visibly angry now, arms tightly crossed over his chest and face set in a line. âIf youâre so concerned, then why ainât you stopping Dom from doinâ shit?â
âBecause Dom doesnât fucking listen.â I shook my head. âDo you actually believe that Iâm not fucking terrified about whatâs going to happen to him?â
His face softened. âThatâs not-â
âI am fucking terrified all the time! For every fucking one of you idiots!â A sob echoed in the apartment as my composure finally wore down. âIf Dom dies, then thatâs on me too. And if one of youâŠâ I practically collapsed.
My brothers were up, their arms winding around me in seconds as I sobbed into both their chests. âOkay, okay. Weâll stay out of it.â
âYeah,â Patrick agreed. âItâs okay.â
âI⊠I canât do it againâŠâ I choked out. âI canât lose anyone else.â
âYou wonât,â Peter promised.
âWeâre right here, little sis.â Patrick pressed a kiss to my head. âAlways.â
After that, breakfast was simple: half-burnt bacon and toast served on paper plates. Peter had apologized a hundred times for it, but the crisp flavor actually helped lull my body back into a sense of normal. Ozzy had dropped by at the first chance he got. His guilt for leaving early had clearly been eating away at him since heâd gotten Domâs message. Heâd held me close as the bikers continued to filter through with boxes, and promised me weâd get everything figured out.
If only Iâd been able to fully believe him.
*
Lena was already gone when Jake finally managed to drag himself back to the gym. Peter insisted she needed time to clear her head. Patrick said she needed space. Even Ozzy was of the mind that letting her disappear for a few hours was good. âMaybe sheâll find whatever she needs to, to help her get back up on her feet.â
Jake, however, didnât buy any of it. She didnât need to be alone; she needed people - her people now more than ever. Everyone else had just been too focused on trying to help her the way she wanted, or thought she wanted, to be. Damn what she wants, heâd stubbornly thought. Iâm gonna be there for her whether she wants me to be or not.
Maybe it was his old insecurities finally coming back to the surface after years of being buried, or maybe he just couldnât stand the thought of her alone. It hardly mattered. Especially if he couldnât find her.
He walked up to the junkyard warehouse, waving at the bikers as he passed by. âDom here?â
The large man in front of the door nodded, stepping to the side to let Jake pass. âHeâs in the back.â
âThanks.â
The space was large and practically empty save for some old parts and bikes. He could hear Dom in the very back of the room talking on the phone in another language. Once Jake got close enough for the biker to see, he quickly hung up. âTough guy. Didnât expect to see you here.â
âIâm lookinâ for Lena,â he answered.
âYeah?â Domâs brow quirked. âAnd you think thatâs a good idea?â
âDonât know, and I donât care. I canât just leave her to sit with this by herself.â
With a shrug, Dom considered his words for a minute. âSheâs at an old warehouse in Queens. Thereâs a fight starting in an hour, and she wanted in.â
The realization dawned on Jake quickly. âYouâve known where she was this whole time?â
âOf course I did,â he scoffed. âYou think Iâm just gonna let her go without one of my guys right behind her? Iâm not stupid, and Iâm certainly not careless.â
âSend me the address?â
He nodded. âHope sheâs happy to see you, tough guy cause if sheâs not⊠god help that pretty face of yours.â
âYeah, yeah, just send it.â
Jake should have known a fight was where sheâd snuck off to. Most girls wouldâve gone shopping, or to a friendâs to drink cheap wine, or to some shitty movie. Lena Harrow was not like most people. She was rash and impulsive, yet calculating and careful. She was a walking contradiction. And he loved it.
Heâd sped to address Dom had sent him just in time to watch her step into the makeshift ring. It was a relief to lay eyes on her again, and he could only hope she felt the same when she finally noticed him. He settled into the back of the warehouse next to her familiar bag and waited.
Watching her move in the shitty ring, dodging hits and landing even more, reminded him of the first time heâd seen her fight. Blood, sweat, and the tears of her opponents kept her standing when anyone else would have called it quits. She doesnât give up easy, he thought with that sense of satisfied pride. Not my Lena.
As her fifth opponent hit the floor, she finally turned, tired eyes finding his through the crowd. A glimmer appeared as she realized that he was really there. And that made it all worth it to Jake. Thatâs right, he thought to her. Iâm here, princess. I came for you.
She smiled, actually smiled at him. God, she was beautiful, even exhausted and bruised and bleeding. And Jake loved it.
*
The match had been over for a while, yet I sat in the alley outside still unable to keep my hands from shaking. My body felt exhausted. Each of my limbs was heavy and bruised from round after round of dodging and weaving and getting hit just enough times to keep the fight going. I should have felt better. At the very least, I should have felt nothing.
Guess heâs taken that from me, too.
Jake sat beside me, tending to every scrape along my knuckles and every bruise that looked just a bit too dark for his liking. He fussed in silence, though I could practically see the questions swirling around his head like a tornado. The longer his fingers gently caressed my skin, the harder it became to ignore just how safe I was beginning to feel around him.
Iâd seen the buildup over our friendship; itâd been almost impossible not to. A reassuring smile that erased every horrible thought in my head. A perfectly timed joke that would snap me right out of a would-be spiral. A touch. A phrase. Even just his presence - just knowing that he was there had become enough. Everything felt different with Jake. He didnât back down or shrink away from anything I threw at him, and that was dangerous.
How long would it be before I couldnât stop myself from blurting out every single horrible detail to him? I could already feel the ties Iâd bound the truth with beginning to loosen. Iâd already told him too much completely by accident.
Jake was dangerous because every second I spent with him, the deeper my feelings grew. And if they grew too deep - if I was too selfish with him, then heâd become a target just like all the others. And that⊠that terrified me more than anything.
After the silence had become too much for him to continue ignoring, Jake sighed and looked at me closely. âDid that help?â
I should have lied, but, just like always, I found myself being a little too honest with him. âNot as much as it should have.â
âMaybe you should try something else then?â
âWe can always go get wasted,â I offered.
He smirked. âVery true. Or⊠you could tell me what youâre feeling.â
I rolled my eyes, trying to hide the way Iâd almost done it without question. âYouâre too curious for your own good.â
âYeah, itâs a curse,â he deadpanned back. âBut, Iâm serious. You said last time that telling me - talking about it helped.â
âThis is different.â
âHow?â
âIt just is.â
âYou can talk about it,â Jake eventually whispered. âOr you can let it kill you.â
âItâs already killed me,â I answered, not daring to meet his eyes. âParts of me, anyway. Parts Iâll never get back.â
âWell, letâs not let it take anything else.â
âItâs not that simple.â I shook my head. âThe second I tell you, everything changes and I⊠I donât want it to.â
Jake scoffed, pulling my eyes to him. âJust a few months ago, you said you didnât wanna sleep with me cause youâd lose me.â He stretched his arms out and grinned. âYet, Iâm still here, ainât I?â
âThat was different.â
âHey.â His fingers curled under my chin, tilting my head back to look at him. âIâm not going anywhere. No matter what you say, no matter what happens, Iâll be right here.â
For a long minute, all I could do was watch him the way I watched everyone else. Any minute now, his face will change. The mask will fall, and Iâll see it⊠that disgust. Jakeâs eyes glistened. The sharp colors of them filled with a hope and adoration that never vanished, no matter how long I stared.
Then, it dawned on me. I believed him, actually, truly believed him.
In another, stupid and entirely idiotic moment where heâd caught me perfectly off guard, I sighed. âThe gift that got left in my apartment⊠It was from a guy.â
âIâm assuming that would be the psychotic ex you mentioned,â he replied calmly.
âYeah.â I gently pulled my face out of his grasp and looked anywhere but at him. âHeâs a family friend of my mom, so⊠we spent a lot of time together while I lived with her. His family is rich, some cigar empire or something, so heâd always shower me with expensive gifts and trips around the world. I thoughtâŠâ I had to pause to breathe through the tightness in my chest. âI thought we were friends for a long time, and then he⊠he wanted more.â
Jake took in every word carefully. I could feel his mind working, putting pieces of that hideous puzzle together. Itâs only a matter of time before he fills in the blanks. It scared me more than anything else, the moment heâd finally know. âHow long were you two together?â
Together. The word made my skin crawl. âOn and off for a year or two and thenâŠâ I shoved the memory of Francios back down. âThree years after that.â
âThatâs a long time,â he replied. âWhen⊠HowâŠâ
I glanced back at him, taking in the way his face contorted with the effort he was making to try to ask his question delicately. âWhen did he go crazy?â
âYeah.â
âI⊠Looking back on it, I think he was crazy the whole time, and I just didnât notice, or was too scared to.â With a quick shake of the head, I dug my nails into my palm. âBut, it started getting really bad towards the end.â
He lifted his hand slowly, fingers brushing against the scar on my shoulder. âHeâs the one who gave you this?â
Clearing my throat, I nodded, surprised that I hadnât recoiled from his touch as I had so many others. âIt was the first snowfall of the season. Iâd⊠pissed him off.â
The words made Jake angry. I could feel it as he forced himself to keep breathing. Iâd expected him to need a minute, like Patrick often did; instead, his hand slid from my shoulder, taking hold of mine and gently prying it open, replacing the brunt force of my nails against my skin with his warm palm. His gaze was soft, still so full of that bright, adoring light. âThank you for opening up to me. Iâm not trying to⊠pressure you into answering all my questions, I just wanna be⊠prepared. I want to actually be able to help you if - when it gets bad.â
âYou do help me,â I said, almost like a whisper against him. âI donât know how, but you just⊠always know what to say or do. You make it⊠easier to get through til the morning.â
The words seemed to register with him deeper than he expected. He set his head against mine and just breathed with me as the distant sounds of a new fight started to fill the quiet. As much as it frustrated and terrified me, Jake was right⊠talking about ti did make me feel better.
Eventually, Jake stood, hand in mine as he pulled me with him. âCome on, princess.â
âWhere are we going?â
âDinner,â he answered. âI can hear your stomach growling from here.â
Iâd thought about arguing, or coming up with some sassy quip, but just as I opened my mouth, my stomach growled loud enough to bring a smirk to Jakeâs face. âNot a word.â
Nanaâs was busy, but apparently not too busy for us. The second the old woman spotted us through the window, she shoved a group of Domâs bikers out of their seats and ushered us inside, where her arms wrapped around me. âOh, my dear!â She pulled back and smiled. âYou look better today.â
âThanks, Nan.â
âStill too thin, though!â She tutted, glancing at Jake. âYou too! Come, come, sit, and I will have Abdul bring you everything!â
We sat down across from each other, shoving the bikersâ left behind pack of cigarettes and lighters into the corner. A sense of normal slowly began to replace the leftover fear and anger my body had been clinging to. We laughed and ate until our stomachs were ready to burst, and I loved every second of it. It felt like nothing was wrong - like nothing could go wrong.
Nana piled our arms full of boxes and squeezed my cheek. âThank you for helping, habibi!â
âAlways, Nana,â I answered, kissing her cheek.
She stopped Jake with a hug and one of her prayers. âDonât be strangers!â
âAnd live without your food? Not a chance,â he replied.
âSweet talker,â Nana laughed, pinching his cheek. âStay out of trouble, habibiâs.â
Prue and Katie were standing by the cash register when we walked in, and judging by her happy squeal, we were right on time. She pulled their boxes out of my hands and quickly began digging into them while Jake and I just stood there. I scoffed, tapping Prueâs shoulder. âRude! Not even a thank you?â
âThank you,â she quickly signed to both Jake and me.
âNo problem,â Jake signed back.
âYouâre welcome.â I looked around at the spotless parlour. âBusy day?â
She set her fork down and nodded. âI had a full day booked! Didnât even have time for lunch. Hence the desperation.â
âI feel ya, but hey, at least youâre making good money.â
âYeah, but I canât wait to get off and see Will. Weâve both been so busy this week, itâs like we havenât seen each other at all!â
âSorry, that sucks.â I rubbed her shoulder.
âI miss him. And I miss getting railed b-â
I looked away from her hands, shaking my head at Jake as he asked what she was saying. âTrust me, you donât wanna know.â
Prue slapped my shoulder. âThanks for dropping this off. Now get outta here so we can finish up, and I can go get laid.â
âHappy humping.â
âDid you just say happy humping?â Jake asked the second we were out the door.
I glanced at him, grinning. âDo you really want me to tell you about Will and Prueâs sex life?â
He made a face. âNope.â
âThatâs what I thought.â
The strip club was just getting into the swing of the night when we snuck in through the back. Everywhere we looked was covered in boobs and brightly colored outfits being tossed around. Jake kept his head down. âWhy are you looking at your shoes?â
âIâm not gonna look at the stages, what if Quinnâs on?â
âAww,â I teased, bumping into him. âYou guys really are like siblings, now arenât you?â
âOh, can it.â He shoved me back.
Thankfully, for his sake, Quinn was still in the back fully clothed. She wiggled her fingers at us and happily accepted her mountain of boxes. âAt last!â
âYouâre welcome,â I sang.
âYeah, thanks or whatever.â
âRude. You and Prue.â
âPrue was rude?â
âYeah, sheâs apparently not getting laid enough.â
Jake made a disgusted noise and turned towards the door. Quinn laughed, mischievously wiggling her brows. âAnd are you getting laid enough?â
I smirked back at her. âDo you really want to know? Jakeâs like your brother now.â
âIâm asking about your sex life, not his.â
âSheâs sleeping with me,â Jake practically shouted from his place across the room.
âI just wanna make sure sheâs enjoying it!â Quinn yelled back.
With an evil smile, I shrugged and, as casually as I could, said, âI mean, I could tell you about the thing he does with his tongue.â Quinn gagged, and Jakeâs face turned red as he started pulling me out of the room. âWhat? I thought you wanted to know how good my sex life was!â
I was laughing the whole walk to Ozzyâs. âYou done yet?â
âHell no!â I happily replied. âIâm gonna be making both your lives miserable for the foreseeable future.â
Peter and Isaac were already curled up together in a booth when Jake and I walked in and made our way to the bar. Ozzy reached over and cupped my cheek. âHow are you feeling, darling?â
With a soft breath, I smiled back at him. âBetter.â
âGood.â Oz glanced at Jake. âAnd you?â
âA bit mortified, but fine.â
âMortified?â
âI was teasing him and Quinn,â I proudly announced.
The big man grimaced. âSay no more. Iâll get you something strong, Jake.â
One by one, my mob of family and friends made their way to Ozzyâs. Their crude jokes and laughter eased the sting of Tonyâs âgiftâ. Seeing them all safe and happy, it was enough for me to forget everything else, for a little while at least.
Jakeâs body pressed against mine as he settled deeper into the booth beside me. I curled into him without even thinking twice. Having him here was more than enough too.
*
âSo youâre really moving out?â Ari asked after a shot.
âYep,â Lena replied, clearly not happy but not struggling to talk about it anymore.
âIâm sorry, Tiger,â she cooed before instantly perking up. âYou can come stay with me!â
Lena shifted awkwardly. âThatâs very sweet of you, but I couldnât impose like that.â
âOh come on, weâd have so much fun!â
âThanks, but Iâll honestly probably just stay with my brothers for a while.â
âNo fun,â Ari grumbled.
Quinnâs eyes narrowed. âAre you sure thatâs gonna be okay? I know how much you hate being crowded.â
Lena shrugged. âIâll make it work.â
The couple vacated, announcing another round of drinks, and Jakeâs pocket felt heavy all of a sudden. Heâd grabbed the spare key to his apartment before leaving. Itâd been impulsive and maybe stupid of him to even think Lena would want to have it, yet he couldnât shake the urge to ask her anyway.
âYou can stay with me,â Jake finally offered, his chest filled with an anxious tension that wasnât quite good or quite bad.
Lenaâs reply was exactly what heâd expected. Avoidant, noncommittal. âI donât think you understand what youâre offering.â
Stubborn, he thought as he took the glass out of her hand and looked down at her with a grin. âI know exactly what Iâm offering, princess.â
He held out the extra key heâd been carrying all day. Lena looked up at him with a shocked expression that made her look adorable. She quickly shook her head. âJake, thatâsâŠâ
âTake it,â he interrupted. âJust in case.â
She sat there and stared at it for a moment before quickly snatching it out of his hands and burying it in her pocket. âNot another word.â
He had to chew on his cheek to keep himself from uttering one of the five sarcastic quips that came to mind. âSure thing.â
As the night continued, they listened to whatever story Quinn was telling, or tried to. Everyone was tired, but unwilling to admit it for one reason or another. Jake was about to call it when Lena suddenly shifted against him. Her hands ran down his body, rummaging through his pockets and jacket. âCan I help you?â
Her fingers curled around his pack of cigarettes, and she grinned. âCan I bum one of these?â
He pulled his lighter out of the opposite pocket and handed it to her. âGo nuts, princess.â
âYou coming with?â
âIâll meet you out there,â he answered, holding up his half-empty beer.
She pressed her lips to his, waving off their friends hollering. âSee you in a bit. Try not to get your ass kicked on your way out!â
Once sheâd vanished in the crowd, Quinn smiled at him, holding Ari under her arm as she laughed, âArenât you two just adorable?!â
He chugged the rest of his drink and rolled his eyes. âShut up.â
âNever!â She yelled back as he walked away.
Ozzy happily accepted his cash. âYou two turning in for the night?â
âI think so,â he answered. âSheâs havinâ a quick smoke, and then Iâll try to convince her to go to sleep.â
âGood luck,â the big man laughed. âMaybe sheâll actually listen to you.â
He quickly crossed his fingers and made his way out the back door into the first alley between the bar and gym. Heâd gotten to the top step of the gym door, hand wrapped around the knob, when heâd heard it. âHey, Jake.â
Tess lifted herself up off the ground, dusting her pants off. âTess?â
âI know you probably donât wanna see me still⊠so I waited out here, hoping youâd come for a smoke.â She shook her head. âAfter the redhead left, I figured you wouldnât be far behind.â
Jake took a moment to process what she was saying, forcing himself to swallow the angry and surprised reply that definitely would have hurt her feelings. âWhat do you want?â
âTo talk. And to... maybe-â
âGet back together?â
âYeah,â she breathed. âI know youâre mad at me.â
âThatâs an understatement.â
âJake,â she sighed. âCan we please just talk?â
He stepped down. âAnd what are you expecting, exactly? That we kiss and make up and everything goes back to the way it was?â
She shifted on her feet. âI donât know! But the least I can do is try.â
Tess was quicker than he anticipated, or maybe he was just more drunk than he realized. She closed the gap between them, hands settling firmly on his shoulders, and lifted herself up to press her lips to his. His hands had wrapped around her waist on instinct, but there was no spark, no fire in his chest.
The second their lips touched, Jake felt wrong, just like he did when heâd kissed Olive. It wasnât bad, it was hardly anything at all, and still his chest ached. All he could think about was Lena. How she kissed him like she was starved for it, or how perfectly in sync they were without words. How she laughed and teased. Would she be angry if she saw us? The thought made him feel worse. Would it hurt her?
He pulled away first. Quick and definite. âStop. Lena and I areâŠâ Casual? Not at all casual?
âSeriously?â She breathed, staring up at him. âWhen has a girl ever stopped you from kissing someone else?â
âNow.â
âYouâŠâ Tess hesitated, still grappling with the disbelief of it all. âYou actually care about her?â
âThe way I feel about herâŠâ He paused, fighting the smile that so naturally wanted to break out. âItâs different than I expected. More⊠DeeperâŠâ
âDeeper than your feelings for me?â she asked, big eyes already filling with tears before he even answered.
The answer was instant, delivered not with anger or some bitter desire to get back at her for all sheâd put him through. It was honest. âYeah.â
She nodded, lips pursed and face furrowing with repressed hurt and anger. After a quiet moment, she asked the question Jake had been dreading from the start. âAre they deeper than your feelings for Simone?â
His heart stuttered, and all the relief and peace that had only just begun to settle inside him vanished. Fuck this. His face twisted into a bitter sneer, and Jake felt a shift in him. He felt like he used to, bitter and angry and so full of all the hate and disappointment of everyone that mattered that it smothered everything else inside him. âYou donât get to come in here and question me like Iâm someone to you.â
Tess scoffed. âIâll take that as a no then.â
âYou can take it however you want to take it,â he bit back. âYou donât fucking know me, Tess. You barely knew me then.â
âI knew you, Jake. Parts of you that you didnât even know, and I got screwed over because of it.â
âYou got screwed over because you chose to go behind my back and try to ruin Simoneâs life!â
âI was trying to help you!â She shouted. âYou are never going to move forward if you keep clinging to her like you do!â
âFuck off,â Jake ground out.
âDoes she know?â Tess asked, arms crossing over her body. âAbout the restaurant?â Jake didnât need to answer, and she didnât need to either. âDoes she know about your feelings for Lena?â
âI tell Simone everything,â he repeated, either to her or himself, he didnât know at that point.
âI donât doubt you told her you slept together, Iâm asking if she knows itâs more than that.â
Jake shook his head, turning away from her. Simone knew that what he had with Lena was ⊠different. It was obvious to everyone else, and she wasnât stupid. But, every time he thought about actually telling her that he was⊠that it was deeper than anything heâd felt in a long time, he felt terrified. It reminded him of when they were younger, heâd been so scared of disappointing her because every time he did - which was a lot - sheâd be cold and distant with him.
Simone had been the sun to Jake ever since heâd gone to live with her and her parents. Sheâd taken care of him, taught him, loved him more than anyone else ever had. And when she was gone, it felt like he was drifting aimlessly in the cold, lifeless void her absence left behind.
It had been clear from the start that Simone and Lena would never be close. Both had their issues with the other, issues that he honestly didnât quite understand, but heâd respect so long as it meant theyâd all coexist peacefully. If he were honest⊠if he told Simone everything that had happened between him and Lena and how he actually felt about her⊠he wasnât sure sheâd take it well. Sheâd taken his genuine feelings for Tess badly, and those were minuscule compared to what he felt for Lena. Sheâll take that warmth, that love, away and be through with me, he told himself. Iâd lose her.
Simone was all he had, truly had. She was the only one who knew him and loved him in spite of it all. Lena knew parts of him, ones heâd thought were gone forever, but it was still⊠new. If she saw all of him, would she stay, like Simone did, or would she leave him behind like everyone else? He didnât really know the answer, and part of him hoped he never would. At least then he wouldnât have to be faced with the possibility of losing her.
Tess sighed, and Jake couldnât help but look back at her. âLook, I know I fucked up. A lot. I just⊠I just wanted things to go back the way they were before that.â
âI know,â he admitted, all that fire, all that fight leaving him and an empty feeling taking its place.
âButâŠâ She smiled, a sad smile that made him feel worse than he thought he would. âThey canât.â
âI know.â
Tess wiped the tears from her cheeks and sighed. For the first time since sheâd left 22West, she looked like Jake remembered in the beginning. Small, innocent, just a girl trying to find out who she was. âFor what itâs worth, I am sorry⊠for all of it.â
He could think of a hundred cruel ways to respond, and yet, he said none of them. âDonât be. You did what you thought was right.â Her eyes shimmered up at him and made him feel stupid. He cleared his throat and added, âYeah, it was fucked and blew up your whole life, but⊠it led us both here.â
âAnd youâre happy with that?â She asked, but unlike the first time, it felt like she genuinely cared.
It was less her asking out of some obligation, or trying to trip him up. It felt like Tess actually wanted to know that he was content with the way the chips landed. And, this time, he actually considered his answer.
If Tess hadnât done what she did, he mightâve still been fucking her, at least until she got too close. Simone would have still been acting off. He still would have spent the holiday in the stupid fucking Cape. Tess wouldnât have been fired, and her job wouldnât have been available, and Lena never would have come to - or back to - 22West. I never would have met her. So, with a nod, Jake had his answer. âYeah, I am.â
She still looked sad, but it was like he could actually see her accept it. They were over. It was done. âIâm glad.â
âI hope you find what youâre looking for, Tess.â And he did, genuinely.
âMe too.â She pulled her jacket on tighter and smiled at him one last time. âGoodbye, Jake.â
He watched her walk down the alley and vanish around the corner. âBye, Tess.â
Without even thinking, his feet carried him through the old gym. His fingers ran over the old, worn gloves hanging over the locker room door, and then he was outside, staring at Lena as she flipped through an old magazine. She looked up and smiled. âThere you are.â
His heart ached, guilt and anxiousness filling him with an unbearable desire to just blurt out every single thing he felt. Sheâs gonna hate me, isnât she? If itâd been Simone, sheâd slap him, cuss him out, and then ignore him for weeks. God, please donât be like Simone. Weeks without her⊠he wouldnât survive.
Lena tilted her head, looking at him carefully. âYou okay?â
âTess and IâŠâ He swallowed the fear.
*
âWe kissed.â My heart stopped beating for a moment, hurt unfurling inside me and making each breath feel painful. Jake noticed, instantly, quickly adding a soft, âIâm sorry.â
âYouâŠâ I swallowed the hurt that made my throat feel hoarse again and shook my head. âYou have nothing to apologize for.â My chest felt tighter, with the lie, the denial of the pain I felt. The bitter burn of jealousy made my next words even harder to get out. âI mean, itâs not like weâre official or⊠exclusive or anything.â
âWell, maybe I want to be,â he said quickly. His eyes were soft, but in them I could see that brilliant burn of determination that Jake only got when he was absolutely set on something.
My response was a stupid, idiotic breath. âWhat?â
âLook, I know we agreed no labels, butâŠâ he shook his head, sighing heavily before just laying it all out. âIâm crazy about you. I⊠I canât even think about not getting to see you every day. You are the most amazing woman, person, Iâve ever met, and IâŠâ he paused, taking a step toward me. âI donât want to be with anyone but you.â
Stupidly, tears began to build in my eyes. âJake⊠This is more complicated than you think it is. What happened yesterday -â
âHas nothing to do with how I feel about you,â he interrupted.
My lower lip quivered as I sadly smiled at him. âItâs only gonna get worse. It might not change how you see me right now or⊠or affect how you feel right now, but it will eventually, and I⊠I donât think I can survive that.â
He shook his head. âDo you feel the same way I do?â
âJake-â
âDo you?â He asked again.
I closed my eyes and sighed. âOf course I do. YouâreâŠyou mean more to me than I ever thought possible.â
âThatâs it then,â he said smoothly. âThatâs all that matters.â
âWhat if-â
âWe can play what if all night,â he replied with a laugh. His hand slid into mine, and I couldnât help but look up at him. âWhat if this is a huge mistake? What if a meteor flies through the apartment? What if I fuck it up? What if⊠itâs the best fucking thing thatâs ever happened? What if I donât fuck it up?â Jakeâs smile was infectious, coaxing one of my own to meet him. âI donât care about the what-ifs as long as youâre with me.â
After a long, quiet moment of us just staring at each other, smiling like fools, I whispered, âSay it.â
Jake chuckled. âWhat?â
âYou gotta say it,â I teased.
He rolled his eyes. âSeriously?â
âYeah, you gotta actually ask me, or it doesnât count.â
âLena,â he finally sighed, hand squeezing mine as he stared down at me with that look that made me feel like Iâd been struck by lightning. âWould you please be my girlfriend?â
Yes, I thought, instantly, but didnât say out loud. Tapping my chin with my finger, I hummed quietly, as though I had to think about my answer. âHmmm⊠I dunno, what kind of perks would I get?â
Jake laughed, humming for a second as he composed his list. âI have a cat.â
âA stolen cat.â
He took a step closer, the hand that was in mine, drifting up my arm, caressing my skin. âI have a very comfortable bed.â
âIt is pretty comfy.â
His hands shifted, wrapping around my waist and pulling me closer. âI have amazing hands, and Iâm really, really good at sex.â
I bit back a grin. âYou sound really sure about that.â
âI am.â He nudged my nose with his, breath fanning across my lips as he spoke. âSo, what do you say, princess?â
âI say⊠yes,â I replied, lips caressing his for just one second. âFor the cat, of course.â
He grinned, wide and wild. âYeah, sure, for the stupid cat.â
Jakeâs lips were hard on mine, desperate and wanting in that way that left me utterly breathless. It was like magic, that spark of his lips moving in time with mine erased everything else. My birthday, the snow, Tony⊠none of it mattered.
My hands fisted into his clothes, pulling him, keeping him exactly where I needed him. down to meet my ravenous lips. His hands mirrored mine, pulling my skirt up and slipping his fingers below my panties, dragging them to the side. With one hand already occupied, he used the other to pull my thigh up to rest along his waist. Jake turned us both, pressing me into the rough brick wall, where he pulled his lips away from mine to breathlessly whisper, âThis remind you of anything?â
It took a moment for my brain to register anything other than his lips and his hands, but when it did finally recall the sinful night, my heart stuttered. âHalloween.â
His dark eyes ran down the length of me with a click of his tongue. âShame youâre not in your costume.â
âShame you arenât in yours,â I replied, drawing a line down his chest with my finger.
âMaybe, one of these nights weâll have to have a redo,â he whispered, the fantasy instantly taking hold in my mind. âNow that weâre⊠official.â
âItâs a date.â I bit my bottom lip and smiled up at him. âNow, are you gonna fuck me on this hideous couch or not?â
Jakeâs hands slid up higher, fingers gliding along the curve of my bare ass, hips pressing right into mine, forcing a moan from my lips. He nodded, smug as all hell. âYeah, that was the plan. Just⊠one minute...â
âFuck,â I whispered, as his body vanished from mine.
He leaned over, quickly propping an old, folded chair underneath the back door of the gym. With a wink, his hands and his body were back on mine. âCanât be too safe with Sasha around.â
I kissed him hard, burying my hands back into his shirt and pulling until it was up over his head, exposing his chest to me. âYouâre a genius.â
âGod damn right I am,â he huffed back, hoisting me up and using the wall to steady me as my legs wrapped around his waist.
His deft fingers vanished into my already aching core, his thumb rolling along my already sensitive clit as I ground down on his hand. The air filled with fog between us as I moaned his name, âJake.â
My whole body hummed, the tension Iâd been carrying for days, vanishing beneath his touch. He smiled against my neck. âThere you go, princess.â
âCouch,â I whispered, pulling his hair. âRight now.â
He pushed himself back, less clumsily than he had on Halloween night, until he sat back against the old leather. I deftly unbuttoned his pants and pulled his aching cock out, kissing him as it settled between the lips of my pussy, catching deliciously against my clit. I moaned into his mouth, lips parting enough for him to slide his tongue across mine.
This time, when we parted and gazed into each otherâs eyes, neither of us even tried to hide that vulnerable realness that had been stuck between us for longer than either of us would admit. This is real, I thought, fingers running tenderly along his jaw. Jake smiled, his hands running through my hair, tucking it behind my ear. Real.
âJake,â I whispered, as I began to sink down on him.
âI know,â he said, quietly, as though it was part of some prayer. âCome on, donât keep me waiting.â
He filled me perfectly, hands gripping my hips, and holding me in place for a moment as he tried to catch his breath. I giggled, biting his neck and sucking on his earring. âCome on, pretty boy, donât keep me waiting.â
âFuck,â he practically whimpered, thrusting up into me.
My hips moved in time with his, grinding down into the intense pleasure like my life depended on it. Sparks flew behind my eyelids every time I shut them. âDonât stop.â
âI wouldnât dream of it.â Jakeâs hands slid up my body, pulling my top down just enough for him to take one of my nipples into his mouth.
I gasped, clinging to him tighter. âJake! I⊠Iâm close!â
âAlready? Well, come on,â he urged. âGive it to me, princess.â
I came quickly after that, something in his voice just putting the final nail in the coffin. And he knew it too, smirking against my chest as I whimpered. âJakeâŠâ
âShh, donât worry, Iâll be gentle.â Damn him. I could already feel the pressure building up in my gut again. âOne more. Just one more, beautiful.â
My breaths were ragged as his thrusts hit deeper inside me, spots that made my whole body tingle. âOh, my god.â
Jakeâs own breath grew desperate, as his hands dug into my hips, gently molding me into a more arched position that somehow allowed him to slide in deeper. One of my hands clutched onto his knee, as I lost myself entirely to the pleasure this new angle brought. âThatâs it.â
No one had ever made me feel like that, and Jake⊠Another noise surged from my chest, one I would have been embarrassed by if I werenât so focused on how good his cock felt rubbing against my tight walls. Jake could never fucking know. But, judging by the way he smiled, he already did.
This time, when I came again, Jake wasnât far behind. His thrusts got sloppy, and his grip tightened as he chased his own release. The second he came, his body slumped back against the couch, pulling mine with it. âFuuucck.â
âI fucking hate Sasha for robbing me of this on Halloween,â I breathed, finally gathering enough strength to lift myself up and look at him.
Jake laughed, brushing my hair off my face. âYeah, but it all worked out in the end.â
âYeah.â I still got you. âBut still, fuck him.â
âWe should get cleaned up, you know, before any nosey Russians or older brothers come sniffing around.â
âTrue.â I sighed, glancing up at the apartment windows. âWere you serious? About letting me stay the night whenever?â
He grinned. âI dunno, what perks would I get?â
I hummed, happily snuggling further into his chest. âI have a cat.â
âHeâs my cat.â
âI can clean.â
âOh, I remember, Cindy.â
I rolled my eyes and kissed him. âI can walk around naked all the time.â
He practically moaned, patting my legs with a nod. âThatâll do. Go get your stuff.â
Fixing my clothes, I shook my head at him. âSo simple-minded.â
âOh, I can think of a lot of complicated things we can do with you naked,â he assured.
âPromises, promises.â
*
The shift had only just ended, but everyone was quick to get down to the bar. Heather shoved her clothes into her locker with a groan. âGod, I fucking hate rich people.â
âOuch,â Ari whined.
âYour parents are rich,â Heather explained.
âPlus, you hate them too,â Sasha added.
âRight.â
Jake rolled his shoulders and sighed. âIf I ever have to remake a goddamn whisky sour again, I might just lose my mind.â
I glanced at him over my shoulder and grinned. âOh, you poor baby.â
He glared back at me. âI remade it four times. Do you know how long you have to shake a whiskey sour?â
âWant me to kiss it better?â I offered, closing my locker and instantly jumping in to massage his tender shoulder.
âImmensely,â he groaned, though I could tell he was really only half joking.
Pulling his shirt down and pressing my lips to his soft skin, I leaned against him. âThere. All better?â
âAbsolutely.â He bumped me with his nose. âThanks, princess.â
âCome on, and Iâll make you a drink too.â
âA kiss and a drink?â He whistled. âWhatâd I do to deserve that?â
I shrugged, lacing our fingers together. âI dunno, guess itâs just your lucky night.â
His brows rose, eyes suggestively fixating on my hips. âOh, yeah? And just how lucky do you think my nights gonna be?â
âMmm,â I hummed, giving him an equally suggestive look as we walked through the kitchen doors and stepped into the dining room. âHard to say, but it sure feels lucky.â
âBonjour BeautĂ©.â
My skin crawled immediately, heart hammering in my ears, and all the playfulness vanishing from my face. No. I froze, everything swirling and swarming in my vision like flies. This isnât happening. With a ragged sigh, I turned my head to the door. God damn it all.
Nightshade
Chapter 26 | Chapter 28
Chapter 27: Don't Blow Out the Candles
TW: As always: the tw does contain spoilers! This fic has language, mentions of drugs and alcohol, sex, nudity, general mentions of violence, past abuse, and soooo on. Say it all with me folks, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LENA! Nothing bad could happen at all! xD Just kidding! We've got lots of flashbacks this chapter, all of which feature our least favorite person ever, Tony! Lots of themes of abuse, guns, violence, murder, arson, the works. The brothers are trying to be there for their sister, Quinn and Dom are doing their best to fill Jake in on the birthday dos and don'ts. We've got some angst, fluff, Jake gets some answers and even more questions! And of course, cause it's me a bit of a cliffhanger!
Sorry about the late update! Last week really got away from me! I did have to make some bigger edits to this chapter (adding scenes, taking some out), so I really, really hope it all turned out coherent and enjoyable!
The tall skyscrapers faded behind us until they were practically nothing but shimmering shapes in the distance. Trees began to fill in the empty landscape, bare branches rattling in the cold wind as snow fell from the grey sky. It had been hours since Tony had spoken, hours of endlessly driving further and further away from the city. Further away from home.
"Where are we going?" I eventually asked, timid and meek.
"Somewhere fun,â he answered simply.
We had very different definitions of that word. Fun. My heart hammered in my chest, mind working overtime trying to prepare myself for whatever he'd planned. That was an impossible feat, after all, there was no limit to what he'd do. Fun could be anything from beating a man within an inch of his life for a slight so small no one would even know heâd done anything wrong, all the way to skinning the flesh off of someoneâs arm. No matter what this âfunâ was, Iâd have to play along or risk Tonyâs ire.
The car eventually stopped in front of an isolated, old ice cream parlor. It wasn't a fancy place, or one I'd imagined Tony would ever set foot in, but to my thirteen-year-old self, it did look like the fun heâd promised. I pulled my coat tighter around me, turning to look out at the vast expanse of dead trees that shielded us and the city beyond from view. It was quiet this far out of the city. Peaceful, maybe, or maybe it was just unnerving.
âLena.â The warning was gentle, this time. He opened the door for me, revealing a handful of employees, but a mostly empty lobby. It was decorated head to toe in lavish streamers and balloon archways. All the tables were covered in fine silk tablecloths, and everyone was donned in their finest attire. A mountain of presents sat to the far left of the parlor, and an extravagant cake was placed in the center of the room. Orange roses were scattered throughout the room, the petals decorated the floor, and the long, delicate stems brought an element of carefully curated perfection to every table. It was beautiful⊠like itâd come right out of one of my dreams.
I should have questioned it, but I was just so focused on how perfect it all looked, on how hopeful it felt to receive something as amazing as this. "Is all this for me?"
"Of course it is," he whispered, hands squeezing my shoulders. "You are the birthday girl after all. And it's your first birthday back home, so I had to do something special!"
"It's beautiful!"
Tony smiled down at me, the singular smile that didnât make me flinch. âIâm glad you like it. Now, go on, enjoy!â
Enjoy, I did. Every second of the dumb arcade games and silly activities that the staff had prepared felt like a weight lifting off my chest. It was everything I'd ever wanted. When the time finally came for me to sit down in front of the cake, I stared into the brightly colored candles. Tony's slightly distant voice encouraged me, "Make a wish, baby girl."
Closing my eyes, I smiled, thinking I'd finally gotten the wish I'd been wishing for ages. I closed my eyes, and everything changed. The gunshot was quick and entirely unexpected, though I should have seen it coming. My hands flew over my ears as my eyes flew open.
The innocent staff were screaming, trying to flee as Tony lifted his gun and pulled the trigger without mercy. I dove to the floor, ignoring the glass cutting my legs or the blood that now stained the floor. I closed my eyes tight and hummed Radaâs simple song, desperately trying to drown out the sound of their cries for help.
*
My eyes opened, but my body didnât move. I could feel my heart hammering in my chest, sweat sitting on my skin, and an old sob lodged in my throat as I lay staring up at the ceiling. Youâre home, I told myself, fighting against the tears stinging my eyes. I tried to pick out the old posters and photos that used to help me overcome these moments of panic, but the tears had built up too much, casting the room in a haze that only made it easier to trick my mind into thinking it was all fake. That day is over. The sob slowly choked its way out of my throat in a raw, quiet scream that I hoped my brothers didnât hear. My fingers curled into the blanket, and I finally allowed myself to quietly cry.
This is the only one you get, I told myself. One cry. One breakdown and then youâre gonna be fine for the rest of the day.
That morning felt slower than any other. Paralyzed in my bed, all I could do was cry and hope that I was quiet enough that my brothers couldnât hear. When the tears finally subsided, I counted the photos on the wall and picked out all the familiar objects until I could finally drag myself out of bed. I showered, lingering beneath the spray of hot water until my skin felt raw. I got dressed, picking out whatever clump of clothes my fingers first touched. It didnât matter if they didnât match. It didnât matter if the shirt was slightly too small or the pants were technically not suitable for a day out and about. None of it mattered. Not today.
When my brothers finally knocked on my door, Iâd already been awake for an hour, staring out the old window from my seat on the edge of the bed. One foot was only in a sock while my shoe covered the other. The door creaked open, and their faces peeked through.
âHappy birthday?â The way they said it made it seem like more of a question rather than the usual celebration.
After being met with a long silence, they both came and sat down next to me on the bed. Peter studied me while Patrick made quick work of helping me put on my other shoe. âHow are we doing?â
âIâm good,â I answered, stiffly.
They shared a glance, but Patrick still smiled. âGood and now good to go.â
Peter squeezed my shoulder, absolutely catching the way I flinched away from the touch. âBreakfast is ready when you are.â
âThanks.â
I didnât move as they made their way out, the door shutting softly behind them. I could hear them talking, the concern in their voices carrying through the walls and sinking into me like knives. My skin itched, my clothes felt too heavy, and my eyes burned all over again. Pressing the backs of my palms into my eyes, I forced a breath out of my lungs. âPull yourself together.â
My birthday hadnât always been a pity party. Whatever weird custody agreement my parents had forged in the early stages of my life had left me with my dad for most of December. My birthday used to be all smiles, loud cheering, and everything I could have dreamed of. We werenât rich, like my mom was, but my dad never let that hold him back from going all out.
The decorations were bright and cheap, spanning from the apartment to the bar and even all the way to Nanaâs. Dad even went so far as to make a cardboard crown for me to wear wherever we went. Every door he held open for me, every familiar spot heâd make a big speech to announce my presence, and no matter what I wanted to do, heâd always play along.
My birthday had been fun once. Normal. Now it was stained and tainted by every horrible memory, every gunshot, every death. Everything I wanted so desperately to forget forever was now all I could think of when the cheers started, and the candles were out. Worse, though, was how everyone else knew it and acted completely unlike themselves. The only one who never changed had been Dad, and nowâŠ
Forcing myself to my feet, I joined Peter and Patrick at the already set table. A simple pancake breakfast was neatly plated with a large pitcher of orange juice in the center of the table. It was normal-looking enough that I almost didnât notice the birthday decorations slightly sticking out of the trash can. A wave of guilt washed over me, and I felt that lump form in my throat again. Quit being such a baby. Theyâre trying to make this special, and youâre ruining it.
âSo,â Peter broached after a long moment of carefully watching me as we ate in silence. âYou feeling up to all this?â
I barely lifted my gaze from my plate. âOf course.â
Patrick quickly swallowed his food. âLee, if you donât wanna do it, nobodyâs gonna be mad.â
âItâs a party,â I replied, flippantly.
âLena,â Peter answered. âLook at me.â
With a sigh, I set my fork down and stubbornly met his gaze. âIâm fine. The party will be fine. Stop worrying about it, please?â
âI just want you to know -â
âThat youâre here for me. That everything is totally my call and that I donât have to do anything I donât want to do. I know.â The words came out in a rushed mess and a tone that sounded far too much like anger. My brothers sat with it well, though, waiting until Iâd taken a deep breath, blinked a few tears away, and spoke again, âSorry. Iâm just⊠Tired.â
Patrick reached over the table to give me a careful tap to the shoulder with his fist. It was light, like a puff of air, and it only made me feel worse. âThatâs why weâre askin, stupid.â
I rolled my eyes, trying to play along with the normal routine, even when it was so blatantly obvious they were coddling me. Peter set his fork down. âIf you donât want to do the whole shebang, weâll handle Nana. Just⊠answer me honestly. Are you okay?â
âIâmâŠâ I stopped myself from regurgitating the lie. âIâm trying to be.â
âThatâs fair,â he answered. âLook, weâre not tryin to coddle you or whatever. We just wanna make sure today is good.â
âOkay, even,â Patrick added. âWeâll settle for okay.â
âI just donât want a repeat of last year, you know?â Peter tried to bring it up casually, but I could tell he noticed the drop in my face as I quickly suppressed the memory of my first birthday since Dadâs death. It was a joyless day, a day filled with drugs, angry shouts, and arguments. A day that reminded me just how cursed my birthday was. âYou were miserable, and you barely talked for a week afterward. I donât want that to happen again. None of us wants that to happen again. So, if you donât wanna do any of it, thatâs fine.â
Looking into my big brotherâs eyes, I shook my head. âI want to do it. All of it. I just⊠I donât want to let you guys down if it all blows up.â
âLet us down?â Patrick snorted. âLike itâs our opinions that matter?â
âThis is your birthday,â Peter said, firm and unshaking, like he was trying to really get the reality of it to stick in my head. âYOUR birthday. Weâll roll with whatever comes our way. So long as you get to enjoy even just a little bit of it, thatâs all we care about.â
âExactly. So, even in the unlikely event that it all blows up, you let us deal with that.â
I stared at them both a bit longer, waiting for their expressions to shift or their eyes to give away the real thoughts they were keeping to themselves. But, like always, that never happened. My brothers sat there, honestly and earnestly holding out the world in their hands and encouraging me to take it. There were no strings attached, no silent expectations, nothing but the desperate hope shining in their eyes, a hope that I would finally accept what they offered and leave the rest behind. âThanks. Iâm sorry.â
Patrick groaned and rolled his eyes. âOne rule, kay? No more apologies! You ever hear me apologize on my birthday?â
âNo,â I answered with a fragment of a smile.
âAnd ya wonât! On my day, Iâm king. On yours, youâre queen, so act like it, little sis.â
âThank you. Both of you.â
Peter quickly waved my words away. âWeâre family. This is our job. Now shut up and eat your breakfast.â
A tiny weight lifted off my shoulders as I smiled down into my syrup-drenched pancakes. Youâre here. Youâre home.
*
âGo over it one more time?â Jake asked, rubbing his eyes as the ache began to settle between his furrowed brows.
Quinn sighed from her place beside him. âJesus, itâs not that complicated.â
He sent her a glare. âIâm slow, okay?â
âObviously,â she bit back.
Jabbing his elbow into her side, Jake turned back to Dom and nodded. âOne more time, please?â
The biker was leaning back in the corner booth seat at Nanaâs. He may have looked relaxed to anyone else, but Jake could see the tension in his shoulders and the way his eyes tracked every movement. With a quiet sigh, Dom repeated himself. âIf she gets quiet, let her sit for a minute. If she zones out, find a gentle way to pull her out of it. If she starts talkinâ to herself or spiraling, call someone. And most importantly, if she runs, call me and you fucking follow her.â
âRight,â he replied, repeating the instructions in his head, hoping theyâd stick. âAnd just how likely is that last one?â
âNot very.â
âNot very?â He scoffed. âFuckin helpful.â
âJust follow her lead, tough guy,â Dom answered with a roll of his eyes. âShe says jump, you ask how high. Got it?â
Quinn played with her food and shook her head. âItâs not gonna be that bad this year.â
The biker chuckled. âYou think so?â
âI know so.â
âYou clearly donât remember last year very well.â
She ground her teeth together and glared at him. âI remember it just fine, asshole. Iâm the one who got her to finally fuckin talk after a week of silence. You and the boys were the ones talkinâ about getting her put in some psych ward like that woulda done any fucking good!â
Dom didnât look offended, at least not in the usual way. Instead, he just nodded. âGet it all out of your system?â
Quinnâs lips pursed slightly. The tension in her jaw made her entire face look tense. Finally, she shouted, âStupid, fucking idiot motherfuckers!â
âQuinn!â Nana shouted from the front desk.
âSorry!â
âThat all of it?â
âYep.â
âGood,â Dom replied.
Jake glanced between the two. âWhat the fuck was that?â
After a second, Quinn relaxed into her seat. âItâs just what we do. Domâs a dick to me, and Iâm a bitch to him. We get it all out of our systems here and now before Lena even steps foot in our radius, that way we can just⊠be there for her.â
The words were ones he was sure she meant to be comforting, but they did the opposite. If Quinn and Dom, arguably the two most confrontational and hardened members of their little mob, were toning themselves down, then what did that mean for everyone else? What was this day actually going to look like? If theyâre going so far as to get their attitudes out of their systems, then what the fuck chance do I stand? âYouâre just gonna kiss her ass all day?â
Quinn flinched at the harshness of his tone, or maybe at the hard truth of his words, but she still nodded. âYep.â
âShe hates that.â The statement wasnât one anyone argued. âWhy the hell are we doing something knowing sheâs gonna hate it?â
âBecause,â she sighed and shook her head, quickly retreating somewhere inside herself.
In all the time heâd known Quinn, heâd never seen her like this, not even when her dad had shown up. She looked tired, the kind that really settled in the eyes. Her usual bright and bitchy was now smothered beneath this exterior he didnât even recognize. When her eyes finally met his, he could see the tears she was desperately clinging to until there was just a sea of guilt and anxiety staring back at him.
Jake carefully set a comforting hand on her knee while Dom reached over the table and gave her hand a quick pat. âBecause itâs the only thing we can do.â
âHow bad is today really gonna be?â He finally asked, turning away from Quinn to study Dom with just as much intensity.
The biker, tough as nails and from what Jake had seen, not scared of anything, looked absolutely broken as he answered, âI donât know.â
Fuck.
âDamn it,â I mumbled beneath my breath as the crushing weight of possibilities and silent expectations hit me.
*
The locker room was empty when I arrived, and for once, I was grateful for it. Changing in the quiet felt more like pulling on a mask and perfecting an act. Each article of clothing, each piece of the uniform, was like a shell of armor, and each button was a practiced laugh or a fake smile. It was sad how normal itâd become for me to push everything else down and just put on a show until I could safely come undone tomorrow once the coddling and attention had died down. If it ever does.
Somewhere deep down, I knew my family and friends and everyone I loved didnât expect anything from me. Deep down, I knew everyone meant what they said every year in every speech. They loved me, they only wanted to help me, theyâd call the whole thing off if I asked, theyâd do whatever I wanted. Realistically, logically, it was all so obvious, and yet every fiber of my being screamed at me that I was letting them down. Every year, some old, still wounded part of my mind would convince me that all of them were lying. Iâd tell myself it wasnât true, but no matter how many times Iâd repeat that, it didnât matter; the thought stayed.
So, there I was standing in front of my locker, practically hyperventilating as the thoughts in my head raged against each other. One told me the truth while the other clung to old lies. There was no winning. There was no peace. It was always just this⊠the fight, the one Iâd so desperately tried to free myself of.
âHey, youâre late,â Jakeâs voice made me jump, hands quickly pressing into my eyes as tears leaked from the corners.
I cleared my throat and tried my best to sound normal as I hid my face behind my locker. âYeah⊠I had a slow start today.â
âYour brothers make some fancy version of shitty eggs for your birthday?â
My mind flashed back to their faces, hopeful and kind and loving, then to the decorations in the trash. Theyâre trying so hard, and all you do is make them feel horrible. Youâre ungrateful, entitled. Do you think they want to spend today kissing your ass and bending to your every whim? âStop it,â I whispered, shutting my eyes and trying to drown out the thoughts. All you do is take. He was right about you. He always was. He always will be.
Jake cleared his throat, shuffling on his feet as he clearly fought the urge to approach me. âLena?â
âNo. No shitty eggs today,â I finally answered, buttoning up the last button on my shirt and forcing that fake mask on my face before turning to look at him. âJust pancakes.â
âOh.â I could see him instantly see through my fake smile and forced reply. I could see the joy drain from Jakeâs face, and it struck a deeper chord than I anticipated. My whole body felt wrong, sick for trying to fool him at all.
Itâs Jake. My Jake. I donât need to pretend with him. With that simple, silent reminder, I felt my forced smile fall. And with that slip of my mask, something far more dangerous had slipped as well. âIs thereâŠâ I paused and shook my head, turning away from him to stare into my still-open locker at the space my dadâs jacket should have been. My fingers twitched, that old instinct to reach out and take hold of the worn leather still clinging to me. âAny new artwork in today?â
âThinking of starting another fire already?â Jake chuckled slightly, trying to act normal in the face of my walls. When I didn't respond, he sighed, head tilting ever so slightly. âWhat is it with you and those paintings?â
And before I could stop it, a wave of old anger and humiliation forced the words out of my throat. âFuck, I donât know? Maybe I just donât wanna see the old projects that I was forced to paint for some stupid group of old rich fucking assholes to gawk at. Maybe I donât want to be reminded of all the fucked up, heavily traumatic moments of my life inflicted by the worst mother in the history of mothers and the biggest psycho asshole ex in the goddamn world.â
Everything froze. My whole body felt heavy, like someone had injected ice into my blood as my brain caught up with everything Iâd just spewed. Oh my god. Nausea filled my stomach as my hands began to shake. Oh my god, what the fuck? I sucked in a heavy breath and turned, wide-eyed to where Jake still stood in the doorway.
He looked just as shocked as I did. His whole body was tense, standing there like time itself had frozen. For the first time in months, I couldnât read him. I couldnât look at him and just know exactly what he was thinking, and that terrified me more than it should have.
âI, uh,â Jake shook himself of the shock and tried to recover, âSorry, I guess⊠I just wasnât expecting an actual answer.â
I tried not to look too horrified at my own sudden and unexpected forthcomingness. âYeah, well, I guess you caught me off guard.â
Jake watched me for a minute, maybe trying to contemplate just how much he could push this âoff guardâ moment. Fuck, I thought, busying myself with anything and everything that wasnât meeting his gaze. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why the fuck did I answer him?! Organizing the locker room wasnât doing anything to throw Jake off the scent of just how not okay I actually was. What else? You gonna just answer every question he asks now? Fucking pull it together, Lena!
âNo.â The sound of his voice made me jump again as I dropped a pile of Sashaâs old clothes.
âWhat?â
He leaned against the doorframe, quietly watching me. âNo, thereâs not another painting.â
It should have felt more relieving, but with no painting came other, worse fears. âOh. Thanks.â
âIâm sorry,â Jake said. âFor prying. I honestly wasnât trying to.â
âDonât be.â I shook my head and forced out a laugh at the new, entirely odd mixture of emotions swimming through my head. What is this? I wondered as the cathartic rush of it all practically erased all sense of impending doom and dread from my body. I still felt tense, but now it felt muddled⊠lessened at the truth that had been shared. This isnât right. It didnât feel like this when I told anyone else that. I turned, eyes finding Jakeâs, and suddenly the answer felt clear. It didnât feel this way because they werenât my Jake. âIt⊠It feels kind of⊠good that you know that.â
Jakeâs eyes widened and I could tell he was trying not to let the moment go straight to his head. âOh? ThatâsâŠâ He chuckled and shook his head. âSorry, Iâm not used to people actually feeling good that theyâve told me something deeply personal.â
I laughed again, a loud and real laugh that felt so good to let out. âIâm not used to it feeling so good to tell people something deeply personal.â
He took a step forward, tentatively coming to stand in front of me. His face brightened up, a smug grin spreading as he tilted his head in that cocky way of his. âThis mean youâre gonna pour your heart out to me now? Tell me all those secrets youâve got?â
âYou wish,â I replied, stepping closer until his hands reached out to hold me. âIt means⊠Iâll consider sharing more things with you. Later. Like way way way later. Iâm talking like years down the line.â
âYears,â he mused, his grin shifting into a more genuine smile. âI think I can handle that.â
âYeah?â
âI mean, if waiting years for more personal sharing means youâre still gonna be aroundâŠâ he paused, nodding down to me. âThen yeah, I think itâll be worth my while.â
I melted into his chest, savoring this quiet reprieve from all things good and bad and in between. Right now, in that room, it was just us, and that was all I wanted. âHow bad is it down there?â
He knew what I meant, judging by the way his arms squeezed me just a little tighter. âItâs⊠decorated. Howard had us all come in early to pitch in.â
âUgh, how decorated?â
âThereâs a banner.â
âGood god.â
He pulled back slightly, looking down at me with a devilish grin. âIâm sure I could figure out a way for it to⊠disappear.â
With a quiet chuckle and a shake of my head, I replied quietly, âNo. Itâll be good practice for the big celebration at Nanaâs.â
âThe big celebration that you can absolutely call off,â he reminded, tucking my hair behind my ear. âThis is your day, princess. You say jump, and Iâll jump.â
I shook my head again, holding his intense gaze. âI donât want people to jump just because I say so. I⊠I just want everyone to be themselves. I want this to be⊠normal.â
Jake nodded. âI know. I just wanted to double-check before I started being a dick again.â
âIâd love it if you were a dick.â
âSay less, Princess.â He smacked my ass, hard, and nodded to the door. âYou coming? Or are you gonna just let us all stand around like idiots all day?â
I laughed, watching him with a quiet appreciation. God, I⊠Stopping the thought before it could grow, I closed my locker and followed after him. âYou all do that already.â
*
He was still partially shaken by the actual answer Lena had let slip. His mind was rushing with questions, and at first, heâd almost asked them, but then heâd looked at her face. There were a few times heâd seen Lena look genuinely horrified, and that was one of them. Her eyes were wide, fearful, filling quickly with tears. Her lip trembled, and her hands shook as she repressed a sound that made his heart break as she started moving, busying her hands with anything to distract herself from the truth sheâd shared. So, heâd let his questions slam inside his head until it physically hurt. Heâd swallowed the desire to learn more, to understand, and heâd let the moment fade.
Judging by the way her attitude had shifted instantly afterwards, heâd say he made a good call. Though Lena still wasnât her usual self, she sat among their friends and colleagues, meeting the chorus of happy birthday cheers and lewd comments with a laugh and a roll of her eyes. Sasha threw an arm around her shoulder and grinned. âSo, what horrid plans do you have for today?â
âNothing crazy,â she replied, shaking him off her.
âNo more fires?â He whined. Simoneâs brow arched as her eyes shifted from her food to him. Shit, Jake scolded himself. Thatâs gonna bite me in the ass later.
Lena laughed, glancing at him. âNot that Iâm aware of.â
He shrugged. âDonât look at me, I apparently wasnât good enough to make the cut for party planning.â
âWas Nana going absolutely nuclear?â
âOh yeah.â He grinned, trying to shake off the weight of Simoneâs eyes on him. âPretty sure she actually swore once.â
âGood god, itâs worse than I thought.â She shook her head and took a long sip of the expensive wine Howard had âgiftedâ them for the occasion. âWeâll be lucky to walk out of there alive tonight.â
Leaning over the table to snatch one of the fancy foods off her plate, he nodded. âWhy do you think I packed my loose pants?â
âSmart,â she praised, giving him that look that made his heart beat faster.
Suppressing a noise, he leaned back and watched her. God, I fucking⊠The word that came to mind was one he quickly dismissed, stealing a glance at Simone before family dinner officially ended. The word that heâd almost let himself think stuck with him all while he and Nicky prepped the bar for the busy night ahead. It scared him, and excited him. It was something he knew could never admit or let slip, but the thought of it made sense. More sense than he thought it ever would.
Service moved quickly. Bodies of people and their terrible laughs filtered in and out the doors in droves that Jake honestly barely interacted with. His eyes, his mind, his everything were honed in on the bright red hair that glided through the dining room. Lena had seemingly left whatever fears and bad memories behind her. Or sheâs just good at pretending, he quietly mused. Or both.
The walls sheâd put up made it harder for him to read her properly. Every thought seemed distant, every reply guarded, every move calculated in a way that was new for her. Quinn, Dom, even her brothers had warned him that in the colder months, Lena was like a different person. Only now that heâd seen it for himself did he really understand what they meant.
Outside, she was ânormalâ. She walked, talked, and looked like there was nothing wrong, but in those moments, few and far between as they were, you could see the cracks in the seams. The locker room had been one of those moments. Anger and fear and guilt and disgust had pulled that answer from her throat. The emotions werenât new to him, but for Lena⊠it felt different. And he didnât understand it fully.
So, Jake watched her. He watched and waited, hoping his observant nature would pick up on something he could work with to help ease the discomfort of this day that should have been a happy one. He silently promised himself or her, he wasnât entirely sure, that heâd do whatever it took to make today the best birthday sheâd had in a long time.
He didnât watch me the way he watched everyone else. This was quiet, thoughtful, and oddly intimate. It was like his eyes were trying to tell me something, some secret that somehow, some way made me feel safe. Every time Iâd catch that gaze, a smile would tug at my lips, and any lingering doubts or terrors would just vanish like smoke on a windy morning.
*
The second service ended, I was in the locker room, shoving my uniform into my locker and putting on the clothes that didnât make my skin crawl. Iâd managed to hold myself together the entire shift, a practiced thing honed by years of experience. What was new, however, was the genuine calm that had settled over me every time I caught Jake looking.
The bartop glistened beneath my rag as Nicky and I prepared for the oncoming wave of rowdy people desperate for a drink. The second Jake stepped foot outside the kitchen, he shook his head. âGet the fuck outta here, princess.â
âWhat?â
âIâm not gonna let you play bartender on your birthday.â He pried the rag out of my hands.
Rolling my eyes, I picked up a glass just to spite him. âIf I remember correctly, you said youâd do whatever I wanted.â
He laughed. âAnd if I remember correctly, you told me youâd hate that.â
âI canât change my mind on my birthday?â I teased.
âNope.â
Before I could bite back, Jake quickly pulled something out of his jacket pocket and set it down on the bar in front of me. The box was small, wrapped with a simple red ribbon, yet it took my breath away all the same. I didnât know why I hadnât expected Jake to get me something. Maybe it was just because Iâd been so focused on not falling apart, or maybe Iâd thought it was too⊠serious for him.
"YouâŠâ I shook my head and glanced back up at him, trying to read his face. âYou didn't have to get me anything."
He rolled his eyes, slightly avoiding my gaze. "No, but what kind of friend would I be if I didn't?"
"A pretty shitty one," I answered halfheartedly, fiddling with my fingers.
"Just fuckin open it," he urged in playful annoyance, bumping my shoulder with his.
"God don't rush me!" I returned the teasing, reaching forward to gently tug the ribbon off. I glanced up at him through my lashes. He was smiling, but not his usual one. This smile was stiff. Is he nervous?
He tilted his chin toward the box. "Go on. Open it, princess."
Glittering inside was a gorgeous locket. The white pendant hung from a delicate gold chain that shimmered in the lights. Painted on the front was a mermaid with dark hair and a green tail, holding a pearl in her hands as a handful of red and gold fish swam around her. It was simple, elegant, and unlike anything Iâd ever seen before.
"If you don't like it, that's fine." He barely gave me five seconds before he reached for it with a sigh. "It was stupid. I'll just return it and get you shoes or some shit."
I snatched it up to my chest and looked up at him. "Don't you dare!" His eyes looked over my face as I smiled widely and pulled him into a hug. "Thank you, Jake. I love it."
His arms hesitantly wrapped around me, his hand rubbing up my back and pressing me closer as he finally relaxed. "You're welcome, Lena."
Quickly turning around l held the necklace out to him. âPut it on me?"
His fingers were soft and warm as they gently pulled the chain across my skin and latched the clasp together. My fingers pulled at the pendant, sliding along the smooth face of it with a smile. I turned and looked back at him, a giddy feeling making me feel almost lightheaded. âIâm serious, itâs perfect.â
âIâm glad you like the first part of your gift,â he answered.
âFirst part?â I asked, head tilting as though that would help me understand him better. âThereâs more?â
âCourse there is. Did you really think I was gonna half-ass your birthday?â
âNo.â I laughed. âI guess I just didnât think this would be your kind of thing.â
âNormally itâs not,â Jake admitted. âBut⊠itâs you.â
Itâs you. Heâd said it softly, gently, and genuinely. It was quiet, and yet it felt like lightning against my skin. In that simple reply, Jake reminded me just how much he saw me. âIâŠâ My cheeks strained as my smile grew. âSo, when do I get the other half?â
âRight now, if you want.â He gestured to the door. âBut we gotta be quick, or Nana will kill me for making you late to your own party.â
âLead the way, tough guy.â
Jake hailed a cab and whispered the address like it was a secret before he settled in the seat beside me. âClose your eyes.â
A pang of fear brought a chill up my spine. âWhere are we going?â
Whether he picked up on my hesitation or not, I didnât know. All I knew was his hand taking mine and squeezing. âYou trust me?â
I could practically feel that old pain clawing at me from inside, a memory I couldnât quite shake, an old wound that never fully closed, preventing me from answering. I could hear the engine of a car that wasnât here. And yet, despite it all, I squeezed Jakeâs hand tight and closed my eyes. âI trust you.â
âYou wonât regret it,â he whispered, pressing a kiss to my face. âI promise.â
The twists and turns of the cab navigating the city made my stomach twist into knots. I felt stupid, foolish, and a little terrified. If this were Tony⊠My thumb caressed the backside of his hand, tracing over a scar that wasnât there. This isnât Tony. He pulled me in close, urging me to rest my head against his shoulder. Itâs Jake.
âAlmost there.â
Jake would never hurt me.
When the cab finally stopped, Jake paid the driver and helped me out into the cold. Despite every inch of me screaming to open my eyes, I kept them shut and let him guide me forward. He ducked down, quickly helping me duck too. I could hear the faint rattling of chain-link echoing along with the crunch of snow beneath our shoes. âJake.â
âJust one more minute.â He positioned me, hands squeezing my shoulders gently before whispering, âNow.â
The second I opened my eyes, I was flooded with relief at the familiar sight. The new restaurant was only partially lit, a soft orange haze illuminating the bar, focused on the picture that now hung behind it. My eyes squinted as I took a tentative step forward to get a better look. Thatâs not a picture. Itâs⊠I breathed softly, looking back at Jake, who seemed more nervous now than before. He nodded. âGo on.â
I walked quickly, fingers tracing the name carved into the bar as I rounded it and stared up at the old, worn leather now encased in protective glass. Harrow. Tears built up in my eyes as I finally looked down at the simple plaque. In honor of Jack Harrow.
âHow did you?â
âOz kept the pieces of the jacket in the office. I saw them one night and thought this would be a more fitting way to keep it.â Jake leaned against the bar beside me. âJust couldnât figure out when to give it to you or⊠how. Then, Quinn mentioned your birthday was coming up and it just made sense.â
âJakeâŠâ I sniffled. âThis is the most amazing thing anyoneâs ever given me.â
He shrugged off my compliment. âItâs nothing.â
âNo,â I replied, reaching out to touch his face, forcing him to look at me. âItâs not nothing. This is⊠itâs everything. Thank you.â
âYouâre welcome.â He smiled, looking back up at the jacket. âI might not have known him, but it felt right to have him here⊠if that makes sense.â
âIt does. He would have loved this.â I glanced at him. He would have loved you.
Jake didnât even turn his head. âQuit lookinâ at me like that.â
âLike what?â
âLike I did something amazing.â
âYou did do something amazing.â
He scoffed. âI hung something up.â
I slid up beside him, hands running along his chest until they came up to cup his face. âJake. You did something really, really amazing.â My lips pressed to his, pulling him out of that flippant, avoidant state until he was putty in my hands. âSo just accept it.â
âFine,â he sighed, kissing me again. âYouâre welcome or whatever. Now shut up and let me kiss you.â
Our mouths moved in harmony with one anotherâs, bodies moving similarly until all there was to think about was this. He and I. His lips on mine. His body pressed against me. How safe I felt in his arms. For that one moment, it wasnât my birthday. It was just another day, any other one, with Jake by my side.
âWell,â he breathed, looking over at me from the bar floor after weâd finally exhausted ourselves. âThat was one way to christen the bar.â
âJust donât tell Scott.â
He grinned. âItâll be our secret, princess.â
âYeah.â
*
We stopped just outside the door to Nanaâs, my heart hammering in my chest and my palms suddenly feeling clammy. Jake fixed my hair and smiled. âYou ready for this?â
I half expected him to join the chorus of people telling me I didnât have to do anything, but instead, Jake nodded and opened the door. âGood. Itâs gonna be fun.â
Fun. It hit me like a truck. This is supposed to be fun. So have fun.
The second I stepped through the door, everyone was happily greeting me. Nana and Abdul both embraced me. Nanaâs loving hands ran through my hair as she swayed and said, âOh my Lena! Happy birthday!â
âWe made all of your favorites,â Abdul added with a wink. âEven my curry puffs.â
âThanks,â I replied softly as I looked out at the room full of my family and friends, all there to celebrate me. I waited for the horrible feelings to rise up, to choke out the joy and cheer of the room and everyone in it. And, for the first time in years, they didnât come.
For the first time in a long time, I was able to look at the decorations and the table of presents and the feast laid out on the long table and actually smile. âIt looks amazing Nana.â
âAnything for my girls,â she replied, holding back tears. âEnjoy it, habibi.â
And for the first time in too long, I did.
I enjoyed every bite of food, every dumb party game Quinn and my brothers had come up with. I enjoyed the toasts and teasing. I enjoyed Jake by my side. Everything was perfect, until the cake sat in front of me.
As they all stood there gathered around me, smiling and singing, all I could hear was one voice... The voice that had been the only one to sing to me before. The voice that wasn't here to sing now.
Rada held the small cupcake in front of me as I lay in bed, an ice pack pressed to my cheek and abdomen. She sang most of the song in Russian, but made it a point to say one part in English. "Happy birthday, my deaaarrr Lenaaaa!" With a gentle finger, she brushed the short strands of hair from my face. "Happy birthday, love. Now hurry! Make a wish!"
Tears stung my eyes for a minute as I closed them tight and practically begged. I wish for all this to end... I wish for peace. Through swollen lips I blew out the single candle and listened to Rada quietly cheer. "Thank you for this."
She waved my words away, grabbing the two forks she'd brought with her. "Shhh, let's eat quickly before I have to get to work, yes?"
"Yes, mama," I replied. Her eyes were wide with joyful tears and a smile. I'd called her mama before, often, but Rada always gave me that look after.
Digging a fork into the cupcake, she helped me eat it. "Happy birthday, my strong girl."
"Happy birthday toooo yoouuuuu!" The cheers made me jump in my seat, harshly dragged back to the present, where my family and friends all stood watching me. Either I hid the shock and pain well, or everyone was just nice enough to pretend they didn't see it.
Quinn eagerly nodded her head. "Well, go on, make a wish."
My teeth ground together as I stared into the flames. I... I wish...
Tony stood in front of the fire, with that orange gleam glowing in his eyes. Cigar hanging from his lips, he smiled. âMake a wish, Babygirl.â
I felt numb, watching the flames engulf the simple ice cream parlor and the bodies inside it. This day is cursed, I quickly decided. I am cursed. With tears in my eyes and a sob I couldnât release, I closed my eyes tight. I wishâŠ
A ragged breath made the flame flicker in my now swimming vision. Black spots blurred the faces of the crowd in front of me as the whole world began to spin. I forced myself up, the chair scraping against the floor as I did, and hurried to the door. Dom was already holding it open, his voice echoing, joining all the other voices now calling my name. I held my hand up and huffed out a simple, âI just need some air.â
The cold practically burnt me as I shuffled along the sidewalk, before pressing my back into the harsh brick. I could feel Domâs eyes fix on me from his place standing guard at the door, but not even that seemed to help ground me now. Gone was the peace and the joy and the fun. Gone was everything Iâd felt only moments ago⊠replaced now by a flood of those horrible memories that ruined this day every single year.
*
âWhy?â I finally asked, timid and meek.
Tony barely turned his head. âBecause I can.â
Tears spilled down my cheeks, and I held in a sob. âButâŠThey didnât do anything to you.â
He laughed, a horrible sound that filled my gut with absolute dread. âThey didnât need to do anything to deserve what they got.â
âI-â
âShut up.â His voice wasnât mad, it was⊠amused. âSome people die because they deserve to. People who wrong me, people who forget whoâs actually in charge, people who disobey. And some people die simply because I decide I want them to. People like your precious friends in that ice cream parlor. So no, they didnât do anything to me, but they didnât ever need to. Donât you see?â He turned and looked at me, eyes leaving the road entirely. The smile that spread across his cheeks was one Iâd never seen before and one Iâd quickly decided I never wanted to ever again. âI decide who lives and dies in this game of ours, baby girl. Whoever they are, wherever they are, if I want them dead, then they die. Youâd do well to remember that.â
âHey,â Quinnâs voice quietly pulled me out of the sea of raging thoughts. âYou okay?â
*
If Tony⊠The thought made my whole chest burn. I will not let him take them from me. No matter what. He wonât take them.
I didnât know how long Iâd been standing outside, but judging by the way my body was shivering, itâd been long enough. I wiped my eyes and forced my breath to steady. âIâm good. Iâm good. I⊠just needed some air.â
âOkay.â She watched me for a minute, looking at me like Jake would before she finally nodded. âJust let me know when youâre ready to go back in, okay?â
âIsâŠâ I swallowed hard. âIs everyone else okay?â Nobodyâs mad at me, are they?
âPatrick is trying to juggle,â Quinn practically scoffed. I laughed, and she did too. âEveryone is just fine.â No one is mad at you.
âGod, heâs an idiot.â I turned and nodded to the door. âIâm ready to go back in. Somebodyâs gotta stop him before he breaks something.â
Quinn pulled a small compact from her bag. âHold on.â She fixed my makeup with delicate hands and practiced ease. âThere. Canât let you back in looking like a mess.â
âThanks, Quinn.â Before I could overthink it, I pulled her into a tight hug. âThanks.â
She returned it, pressing her face into my hair. âDonât mention it, bitch. I love you.â
âI love you too, bitch.â
âOkay, letâs go,â she said the second we pulled back, wiping her eyes with a smile. âBefore you fuck up my makeup too.â
Upon reentering Nanaâs, all the talking ceased. All eyes were on me, everyone looking timid and afraid of whatever words were going to come out of my mouth. The only one who looked like himself was Jake. He quirked a brow at me, giving me his signature smile as he mouthed the words, âYou got this, Princess.â
With a laugh, I shrugged my shoulders and asked, âSo, what did everyone get me?â
The tension melted immediately as presents began to be passed around. I still felt a pinch of nervous tension in my gut, but the second Jakeâs hand took mine, I started to barely notice it. The rest of the party was fun and almost carefree. My brothers stayed behind to help clean while Jake and I headed to my apartment.
âThat wasnât so bad,â I said, leaning into him.
âYeah?â
âYeah.â I paused. âDonât let it go to your head, but⊠having you there⊠it⊠helped.â
Jakeâs ego inflated instantly, and he stood up straighter and dusted off his jacket. âOh yeah?â
âI said, donât let it go to your head,â I whined, hopping up the steps in front of him.
âNot possible.â
The second we stepped into my apartment building, I froze. A path of orange petals littered the floor, leading to my front door. âOh, my god.â
Jake whistled, walking forward undeterred. âYour brothers leave you a surprise?â
My heart was thundering in my chest as breathing became harder and harder. However, the second Jake walked into my apartment, I moved. âJAKE!â
âWhat?â He turned from where he stood in front of a large, ornately wrapped present. I was shaking now, tears falling down my face in waves as I tentatively reached out and pulled him away from the box. His face dropped, hands reaching out to hold me. âHey, whoa, whatâs the matter?â
âWe need to go,â I ground out, pulling him towards the door.
âLena-â
âWE NEED TO LEAVE NOW!â I screamed. âPlease, Jake. Please, just letâs go.â
This time, when I stepped out into the cold air it felt wrong. Every noise, every shadow, everything felt warped. I gripped Jakeâs arm tight and pulled him towards Nanaâs. Echoes of car engines and screaming filled my ears, drowning out whatever words he was trying to comfort me with, but thankfully, he didnât try to fight me.
The warm glow of Nanaâs filled my vision and the soft bells that hung above the door chimed as we walked in. Peter and Patrick were wiping down the tables. Abdul was in the back, packing up whatever leftovers we had. Nana and Dom sat at the table, talking quietly with smiles on their faces. I heard Nana quietly say, âIt was a good day, Dominic.â
All at once, it hit me, and a sob spilled from my aching throat. Their heads all turned, and everyone moved at once. Peter and Patrick dropped everything, running towards me, hoping to help, but instead causing me to panic. I flinched away, pressing back into Jake as the noise and the lights all became too much.
Peter turned to Jake. âWhat happened?â
Jake shrugged. âI donât even know.â
Dom pushed everyone else aside, calmly and carefully taking hold of my head. âLena. Breathe.â
âI⊠I⊠HeâŠâ
âJust breathe.â He waited until I could mimic his breathing to ask, âWhat happened?â
âHe was in my apartment.â
Domâs jaw clenched. âHow-â
âHe set out rose petals. HeâŠâ I closed my eyes tight. âHe left a gift.â
The biker stood up straight. âEveryone, stay here until I come back.â
Patrick shook his head. âFuck that. Iâm coming with you.â
âStay,â Dom growled. âTake care of her.â
And then he was gone. Nana pulled me into her arms, whispering that prayer of hers into my hair as she gently rocked me back and forth. âBreathe, habibi. I have you.â
daydreaming about Licking his blood covered face
Falling For the Devil Second Installment List (for parts 100 & up)
Warnings/tags: 18+; series contains lots of smut, fluff, angst, humor
Summary: This is a very long series/collection of one-shots about a nervous/awkward journalist Reader meeting, falling for, and dating Matt Murdock. Meant to feel like a realistic look into dating Matthew Murdock and all the sweet, vulnerable, sexy, and dark sides that come with him. Reader also gradually gains more confidence in and out of the bedroom as the relationship progresses.
*Apparently there's a 100 link limit per post and this bad boy is so long that I needed to make a Second Installment List for parts 100 and onwards. The first parts of the series (1-99) can be found in the First Installment List.
Part One-Hundred: "The Office Visit"
Part One-Hundred & One: "The Elevator Mishap"
Part One-Hundred & Two: "The Devil's Misfortune"

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Katara from ATLA
This is a prize piece for a ATLA stamp rally taking place in MCM London.
Kiss It Better
Pairing: Benjamin Pointdexter X Reader
Summary: After witnessing something you werenât supposed to, thereâs a price on your head. It would be easy for the excellent marksman to finish the job, but something about you makes him reconsider.
Or- I saw Wilson talking about how Dex needs a weirdo freak gf and was like âwell, yesâ. Reader is implied to be neurodivergent but its kept a bit vague.
Word Count: 15.4k
Warnings & Content: no use of y/n, fluff, smut, slow burn (sorta), swearing, attempted murder, actual murder, stalking, violence, blood and injury mention, mention of death, happy ending, slight angst, toxic attachment, 18+ mdni please
I do not authorize my work to be used for Al or reposted across platforms
For most of your life you felt invisible.
Your friends and coworkers seemed to advance easily in life, getting degrees that led to solid jobs and fulfilling relationships. You, despite your best efforts, did not have the same experience.
In high school, you first became aware of yourâŠdifference. The way people would easily talk to others and make friends, but with you they would only feign politeness and share wordless looks behind your back.
Even teachers thought you were weird. It wasnât said explicitly, they had to be professional of course, but there was only so many times they could call you âan interesting yet quiet young ladyâ without you catching on.
You had tried hard to change it, to âput yourself out thereâ. It never worked out well. Dates would go fine at first until there was something you said or did to unnerve the other person. Even situations you were sure had gone great resulted in you being ghosted.
You wish that they at least yelled at you or complained, then you could know for sure what they didnât like.
Once you were in your twenties, you made peace with the fact that it wouldnât happen for you. The relationship thing wasnât in your cards, you just werenât built for it. It created a sad acceptance within you, but one that was needed to not go into a mental spiral.
â-ey, were you listening?â The words drifted to the forefront of your mind, dragging you away from your trail of thoughts.
You paused in folding the shirts on display before you, turning to your coworker that was looking at you expectantly.
âUh yeah, the closing right?â You struggled to remember what Jess had walked over to you for, but you were sure it was because she needed something. Nobody really spoke to you when they didnât need something.
âYeah, you can do it right? I canât do it and Marcus needs someone to cover.â Her green eyes stared at you pleadingly.
It was a request, but it didnât feel like one. Especially since you were the only ones still working in the clothing store this late.
âAh, I donât-" You thought about what was waiting for you back at your apartment. A relaxing shower, the usual quick dinner, and a puzzle of choice. Not the most exhilarating routine, but you enjoyed it. You really didnât want to close alone.
Just do it, say no. Itâs not fair for you to do everything yourself and itâs not like sheâll appreciate it.
You almost did. The refusal was on the tip of your tongue when you had a flash in your head, the disappointment on her face, the awkwardness of the next shift. How she would talk about you to your other coworkers.
âOkay, I can cover.â You blurted, adverting your eyes to continue folding.
She gave you a quick grin, already turning towards the break rooms before replying, âGreat! Youâre a lifesaver. Iâll definitely pay you back.â
She wouldnât, just like she didnât for the four other times you covered her shift.Â
âYouâre welcome.â Itâs muttered with a sigh into empty air, Jess was long gone. You thought about all the unfinished work you had to do alone, already regretting your decision.
You went into autopilot for the next few hours, slipping into the mindless task of organizing displays and adjusting price tags. The small upside was that the clothes in your store kind of sucked, so you didnât have any customers to tend to.
âYou set?â
The words made you jump. You looked up in surprise to find Marcus, who had meandered out of his office without your notice. Being a middle aged man on the heftier side, you didnât know how he could move so quietly.
âIâm sorry, what?â
âThe drawer, are you ready for me to take it? Iâm gonna close a little early, donât think itâll be picking up anytime soon.â He motioned a thick hand towards the empty room to accentuate his point.
You nodded jerkily, shuffling out the way as he unlocked the cash drawer. Another beat and a ring of keys were being tossed your way.
âWeâll, Iâm gonna count this out then Iâm off, you know what to do.â
Marcus was already shuffling down the hallway before you could form a response.
He wasnât wrong, you did know what to do. Once he was gone you got back into the automatic motions of clean, lock, organize, until the shop is fully shut down.
There was no stress, no talking or loud music, it was almost fun in a way. Fun if you forgot how you were forced into working at least.
You clicked the last light off with a sigh, shrugging your purse up your shoulder where it threatened to fall off. Going out the back door sent a wave of trepidation within you, but unfortunately it was required. The alarm was already set on the front doors and you didnât have the keys to those.
You took a deep breath, steeling yourself. New York had only gotten more dangerous in recent years, with the corruption in politics and anti-vigilante outrage.
Once you were outside, you had to be careful to avoid any trouble. No one could be trusted, not even the police who were put there to protect citizens like yourself. You imagine if you got mugged on your way to the train, the officers on the corner wouldnât even flinch.
Definitely not an anxiety inducing thought. Not at all.
You swung open the door, locking it quickly behind you. Ignoring the trembling of your hands, you started to make way to the front of the building.
The alley stunk of pee and other things you really didnât want to identify. The only light around was motion sensor activated and perched on the doorway. Said light was already fading the further you stepped away, the alley delving into darkness.
You quickened your steps.
There was a slight relief in making it back onto the main street. At least there you had streetlights and the buzz of the city around you.
The sidewalk was mainly empty, and you could count on one hand the amount of cars that passed by. Most people out at this time were like you, getting off work, or getting to an early shift with a bleary look in their eyes.
You kept your head tucked down, avoiding eye contact with anyone around you. All you had to do was make it to the train, from there it was a straight shot to your apartment. Easy, simple. You could do this.
You reached the subway entrance, practically flying down the steps. The trains were relatively reliable in this part of town, so you shouldnât have to wait too lon-
Your thought process was interrupted by a series of grunts, followed by a shout. Ducking behind a pillar, your eyes grew into saucers as you scanned for the cause of the noise.
It wasnât a hard search, in the middle of the station was a group of men standing over something-no, someone. There was a man there, curled into himself on the cracked tile of the subway. You could barely make out his face past the blood streaming from his nose.
âPlease! I donât have it, I- just give me one more week Iâm begging!â His words could barely be understood past a thick Brooklyn accent and the gurgle of blood in his throat.
One of the men snapped his fingers, and another kicked the whimpering man in the stomach, the impact making a sickening crunch noise.
You covered your mouth in an attempt to not scream, mind racing with options. Calling 911 was firmly out of the question, but running back up the stairs seemed promising. You just didnât know if youâd be quick or quiet enough that they didnât notice you.
Then there was the train. A quick glance at the schedule showed a less than three minute wait. If you timed it rightâŠ
âPlease, Iâll do anything please-â
He was cut off by the man before who gave the attack order. âYou shouldâve thought about that before trying to steal from Moretti, fuckinâ rat. You should be grateful itâs just you and not your fucking family too, thatâs how nice boss is.â
It was clear the man speaking was in charge, at least of the small group there. He was faced away from you, but a wayward glance from any of the men could put you in danger.
You stifled a gasp, sucking a sharp intake of air. In focusing on the group, you had forgotten to breathe.
Your heartbeat was a staccato in your ears, the blood flow dimming the sound around you.
They were going to kill that man, and there was nothing to do but watch. They were going to kill him, then they were going to kill you. Oh god, they were going to kill you if they found you.
You felt the telltale beginning of a panic attack start up, your heart rate escalating even further. This was not the time to freeze up. You pinched the skin of your hand between two fingers, the pain sobering you.
This was not the time to freeze.
The man was saying something else, the tone threatening. He was speaking in a much lower tone than before, and you couldnât make out the words.
In a blink, he dove forward, hand jutting towards the man below him in quick successions.
It wasnât until the growing pool of red that you realized he had stabbed him. There was a sick gurgling noise that reverberated around the subway that took the strength out of your legs.
Your purse slipped off your shoulder, clinking to the ground.
The sound alerted one of the guys closest to you. A frown quickly overtook his face as he looked you up and down.
âHey! Whatâre you doing over there?â
This is how youâll die, in a dirty subway all alone. Your family probably wonât even find out what happened.
Light flowed onto the platform from the incoming train. The screech of wheels flipped a switch in your brain.
No, you scrambled to your feet, not like this. You were not going to let it end like this.
You could hear a series from shouts and pounding footsteps behind you as you ran down the platform. Nearly tripping over a bench, you righted yourself as the train finally screeched to a stop.
The doors opened, but you kept running, an internal timer ticking in your head.
A little bit more⊠five, four, three-
You shoved your self to the side, slipping into a train car right as the doors closed. The others tried to follow, but they were too far behind.
You stared, wide eyed as they pounded on the window in anger. You could hear muffled threats behind the metal, but your eyes focused on the man from before.
He wasnât yelling, or beating on the door. He only stared at your chest with a scowl. More specifically, the logo on your work shirt and your printed name tag beneath it.
Shit.
Dex was unbelievably, inconceivably, bored.
This meeting was already taking longer than he usually tolerated, and if he didnât have good work with them before he wouldâve left.
But no, this gang boss in particular was quite an egotistical bastard, and liked to pay a very nice penny on all his hits. It probably made him feel important to wave an excessive amount of money around and have people disappear.
Quite frankly, Dex couldnât give a shit about what he felt. Money or not, his patience was running thin. Another five minutes waiting in this damp warehouse and he might just leave, or start throwing things.
He hadnât decided which.
âTaking his sweet time huh?â He wasnât really speaking to anyone in particular, just musing aloud, but one of the nearby goons replied anyway.
âSorry, he had something else to wrap up. He should be here any second.â
Dex only clicked his teeth in response, busying his hands with a dagger absentmindedly. The other manâs eyes widened slightly at the display, tracking the dagger is it was thrown in the air.
Behind his mask, Dexâs lips flicked into a smirk. He wondered what the man would do if he started using the wall behind his head as a dart board, that would be interesting.
The seconds ticked by, and he was about to start some impromptu target practice when the man of the hour walked in.
âBullseye, my friend! So kind of you to join us.â
Moretti was a small man, much smaller than one would expect the boss of a crime empire to be. There was nothing overtly menacing about him other than the beady gleam of his eyes. Of course, no one vocalized their surprise at that, because theyâd end up at the bottom of the Hudson.
He reminded Dex of a small pet with a snappy temper. Like a rabid chihuahua nipping at peopleâs heels.
âI would think with all that money youâd own a clock.â The manâs words had ignited a flare of irritation within him. He was always annoyed by fake niceties, especially after he had waited thirty-five minutes.
Morettiâs thick eyebrows scrunched in faux concern, âMy apologies, I had something else to finish up, I would never mean to keep you waiting-â
Dex cut in before he could finish the bullshit speech, âWho, and where?â
He was here for a job, not to have a tea party. All he needed was the marks information and the payment, then heâd be on his way.
Despite being cut off, the smaller man didnât show any sign of anger. He knew better than to start unnecessary fights. âA small problem, you shouldnât have much issue. It is time sensitive however, if she talks it would cause a great deal of issues for me.â
A woman then. Unlikely sheâll put up a fight. Disappointing.
âShe saw some things she shouldnât have. Here,â he stepped forward, a folded paper in his outstretched hand. âthey got the job and her name, you should be able to take it from there yes?â
He snatched the paper, scanning over the information quickly before turning on his heel. âFifteen thousand, same as before.â His voice carried behind him as he walked to the exit of the warehouse, hands in constant movement.
Moretti clapped his hands as if he were signing off on the deal. âAgreed, youâll receive the wire tomorrow.â
âSheâll be dead by the end of the day.â Faster than anyone could track, he flicked the paper behind him, the point of a paper airplane imbedding into the forehead of the wide-eyed grunt from before.
The man let out a startled shout as blood trickled over his nose.
Dex ignored the commotion, grinning as he walked into the crisp night air.
Time to find a little tattle-tale.
Maybe you did have powers.
It wasnât super strength, or advanced intelligence. It wasnât even the power to turn invisible.
No, it had to be the ability to get in the worst situations imaginable. Super bad luck. No oneâs life could be this laughably bleak, it had to be a higher power.
After that night at the subway, you couldnât even sleep, much less leave your house. The day after the incident was your off day, so it didnât affect much. You did however have to call off two days after that, feigning sickness.
You donât know if your boss bought it, but considering you have never really taken a sick day before, you felt it was due.
But you couldnât stay inside forever, you had to go back to work eventually. Getting fired would definitely do you no favors.
There was something else.
In the last few days youâd had a feeling, like spiders crawling over your skin. It was the sinking feeling of being preyed upon. Watched.
You knew they were there. You didnât know how you knew, but you did.
There was no evidence, no threatening letters or anything out of place. Anyone listening to you would think you were insane, but you knew it wasnât just your hysteria. You could feel it.
The only thing you were confused about was their inaction. Why hadnât they killed you already? Not that you were complaining of course, but it just didnât make sense.
Were they waiting for you to try to call the police? Were they not fully sure it was you at the station?
It was the cycle you went through. For days just driving yourself mad with questions and counting down the time. You hadnât come up with a plan yet, but time was running out.
You had to go out into the world eventually.
The time went quicker than you expected. You had called off your fourth day when Marcus firmly hinted that your job might be in danger if you didnât come in for your next shift.
You agreed, one last day of hiding and then you would come in.
Your hands trembled as you clicked the combination to your locker in the break room. Taking a deep breath, you took one last furtive glance at your belongings before turning to clock in.
âDidnât know you hated customers that bad Oranges.â A mocking voice chimed behind you.
You tried to ignore him altogether, but he picked up his pace to walk by your side. âDonât worry, I wonât snitch.â Matthew shot a conspiratorial glance your way, winking.
It took all your resolve to not roll your eyes. As if today wasnât already horrible, you had to work with your least favorite person.
Matthew always found a way to antagonize you somehow. It wouldnât have been that bad, if it werenât non-stop. He always singled you out about something, with a fake friendly tone as if you were both in on the joke.
It started with the first week you started working. You were eating your lunch quietly, and as you started to unpeel the included orange a stream of juice shot at your face.
You could only sit there in mortification as Matthew cackled in your face. He insisted on calling you Oranges after that.
âWhat are we so worried about?â He continued, like you werenât ignoring him. âIf you need to relax I think they have a stress ball in the back rooms. I know you have issues with that stuff.â He could barely get out the words without laughing.
More silence from you.
âAlright then. Donât blame me if you freak out, see ya Oranges.â
You let out a relieved sigh at his retreating frame, grabbing the clothing rack near you and resigning yourself to eight hours of torture.
Your neck let out a series of pops as you stretched it in your doorway. The house keys in your hand were tossed in the dish by the door and your jacket was shrugged off your shoulders into a pile on the ground.
âYou should take better care of your things.â
The words stopped you in your tracks. Youâd been so focused on the aches in your body and getting to the shower, you failed to notice the large figure in your living room until they spoke.
There was a man shrouded in shadow sitting on your lounge chair. In his hands was one of your puzzle boxes, and he seemed to be reading over it like it was the most important thing in the room.
âPlease donât.â You could barely recognize the way your voice squeaked out, strained with fear.
He looked up for the first time, eyes glinting behind a blue ski mask. âDonât what?â His voice was deep but scratchy as it travelled across the room, as if heâd worn it out by yelling.
You could also hear a hint of amusement in his tone. He was enjoying toying with you.
âDonât mess up my puzzles, or my apartment please. If you can, make it quick.â Your reply was more stable than before, having overcome the initial shock of his appearance.
In truth, youâd come to the conclusion youâd probably die no matter what days ago. At first, you were scared out of your mind, but like every other bad hand in your life, you accepted it. You just didnât want whoever found you to have to deal with a mess.
His head tilted as if considering your answer, one finger twirling the box like one would do a basketball. âNot gonna beg for your life? Plead for another chance?â There was still the mocking tone, but now it carried confusion as well. He genuinely couldnât understand why you were so calm.
Taking careful steps over to the couch, you could make out more details of him in the light of your living room lamp. He looked like a textbook assassin, wearing all black, save for the blue mask covering his face. The dark fabric of his ensemble held more compartments you could count, and the rest was stretched over a sturdy frame.
He was leaning back in your recliner chair leisurely, legs spread to take up even more space.
You let out a deep sigh as you flounced down on the couch across from him. âNo, not really. Iâm sure youâve noticed, but itâs not much to plead for.â
He stopped spinning the box and looked around, as if taking in the apartment for the first time. Your lack of personal photos, the books and puzzles lining the walls. Every item spoke of a very monotonous lifestyle. âThis is pretty depressing, yes.â
Of course, what were you expecting? Hopefully he doesnât make it too difficult for anyone to clean your blood out the place.
You nodded in acceptance and closed your eyes, waiting for the inevitable. After about a minute of waiting, you opened them to find him staring at you.
The piercing gaze kept you still until he spoke again, âWhatâre you doing?â
âWaiting for you to kill meâ just sounded silly, so you said nothing, adverting your gaze.
After a few more moments of quiet, you cleared your throat, âIf you donât mind, how long have you been in here?â
It was a morbid curiosity that drove the question. The idea of him waiting in your living room just to kill you, twiddling his thumbs was enough to make a sardonic chuckle rise in your throat.
You pushed down the urge. The man seemed fairly calm so far, but laughing at him definitely would do nothing in your favor.
He reached up a gloved hand, scratching at his jaw. âAbout a half hour.â
You blinked, âOh, okay.â
Quite frankly, you were running out of things to say. How does one even strike up a conversation with their killer? You shouldnât have even felt the need to make the man comfortable, but you did for some reason.
In a flash he was leaning over you, one hand on the back of the couch to speak directly in your face. âWhatâs your problem? Hm? You didnât even do anything wrong and you wonât fight for your life? How is that fair?â
His other hand gripped your chin firmly, you could feel the warmth of the of his hand seeping through the fabric. With his face so close, you could see every detail of his brown eyes scrunched in anger.
You could also see more of the little items strapped around his waist and in the compartments of his pants. Knives. More knives than anyone (murderer or not) should need, in your opinion.
âIâm sorry?â Now you were a bit peeved. Who was he to lecture you about valuing your life when he came in here to kill you?
Unless⊠he wasnât here to kill you, but do something much worse. A new flash of fear goes through you. You were prepared for a quick death, you were not prepared for torture, or the other ways a man could hurt a woman.
He mustâve seen the change in your face, because the hand on your chin swiftly dropped to his side.
He moved slightly out of your space, mumbling to himself. You could barely catch the words âbalanceâ and âworth itâ in the rambling.
âOkay,â he dipped away, back to the chair. âokay.â
You blinked at him again, âOkay?â
âYes.â His tone, despite being amused again, invited no further questioning. He had reached a decision within himself, you just had no idea what that decision was.
With that, he settled back into your chair with all the ease in the world.
âYou should go to sleep now. Been a long day.â Like before, his tone was closed off. What mightâve been misinterpreted as a request was definitely a demand.
You slowly rose to your feet, half convinced it was a trick and heâd shoot you at any moment, but nothing stopped you from gathering your bag and going into the bedroom.
Even as you shut and locked the door, there was no action, just a glinting gaze following you in the darkness.
You didnât remember falling asleep. The last thing you recall was the unnerving conversation with the intruder before jerking awake the next morning.
A quick check showed that none of your clothes had been moved and there were no injuries on you. Despite your hair looking like a birds nest, you looked exactly did after work the day prior.
You were alive. Another day knowing someone was out to get you, and another day of being able to do nothing about it.
You groaned, trying to settle your hair with one hand as you rolled out the bed. Washing up in the bathroom was quick business. After feeling clean again in new clothes you moved to unlock the bedroom door.
Wait. He wouldnât still be here, would he?
You highly doubt the intruder would stay for coffee in he morning, but the whole thing had been so strange you couldnât rule anything out.
Slowly, you pressed an ear to the door, straining to hear anything on the other side.
Nothing.
You un-clicked the lock, still moving at a snails pace. Once there was a half inch sliver open, you took a peek into the living room. Empty, no homicidal men with a hundred knives in sight.
You let out a breath of relief, walking into the room. One last search throughout your place proved that there was truly no one there.
Even so, there was an unsettling feeling you couldnât shake. You ignored it, moving to start up your coffee maker.
It wasnât until you were halfway through your breakfast that you realized the issue. Your place was spotless, much cleaner than youâd usually keep it.
You didn't consider yourself a slob, but there was always little things here and there left behind. A few dishes in the sink, a bit of dust. The room was now so clean it looked clinical.
Every can or box of pasta in your cabinet was neatly organized and turned to the front. Swinging open the door to your fridge, you found that all your old food youâd been ignoring was thrown away. Each shelf was sparkling clean and just as orderly as the cabinets.
All your puzzle boxes were in straight, dust free columns next to books sorted by size.
What the hell is happening?
Itâs just because youâve been bored. Nothing else.
Dex had been rationalizing his actions since that first day. He had yet to come up with a solid reason for letting you live, and it sent a distressing feeling up his spine.
He did not do things for no reason.
That was a quick way to spiral, to sink into nothing. No, everything in his life had a reason and purpose. So what were you?
It started the day after the meeting with Moretti, he was poised just across from your window. There was a bolt-action rifle in his hands, and he was perfectly poised to take the shot as promised.
As he watched, you walked around your bedroom in circles. He could see your mouth moving at certain points, but no sign of you talking on the phone. It was clear you were in distress, but made no attempts to get help.
He already had access to your phone line. Throughout the night into the next day, you didnât try calling the police, not even once.
It seems New York is catching on, those scrubs in uniforms canât help you. If you want justice, you have to take it yourself.
He continued to watch you with a detached expression, not taking the time to consider why he hadnât finished the job yet.
He watched as you left to take a shower, coming back a bit later in loose pajamas. He watched as you put a show on your tv, your distracted expression half aware.
You eventually found the television insufficient at calming you, and started digging through the haphazard boxes of puzzles on your shelves.
His fingers practically itched at seeing it, old habits compelling him to march in there and line everything up neatly.
He shook it off, eyes trailing to where you sat on the floor beginning the edges of a very large landscape puzzle.
You were losing yourself in it, the frown in your eyebrows lessening the more progress you made through the picture. Eventually, you had calmed enough that there was almost a smile tilting your mouth.
His eyes stayed there for a moment, wondering what a full smile from you would look like. He definitely hadnât seen one today, and no search online showed any pictures of you exhibiting anything other than mild discomfort or apathy.
He could almost imagine it, the plush of your lips tilting up, then slowly growing. How your eyes would crinkle, glinting up at him.
At him?
At him?
The fuck was he doing?
He had a job to do, a job he was paid quite handsomely over, and he was sitting here on his ass playing make believe.
He whipped the rifle in position, capturing your face in the scope. He didnât really need it, your shot was clear enough, especially with his abilities.
Even though it was simple, the clearest shot in the world, his fingers never pressed the trigger. He sat there, as the sky darkened into reds and melted into a dark navy, never taking a single shot.
He couldnât even pretend that the sick worm inside of him wasnât hungry for more. He didnât try to act like he wasnât coming back the next day.
He thought that would be enough. One more day of observation would be enough to satiate him. Just one more.
Dex felt like the sad sons of bitches at the liquor store on the corner. Just one more bit, I can quit any time I want to.
But he did need just one more bit, and he could quit any time he needed to. This was nothing like Jul-
He broke that train of thought with a snarl. Tonight. Tonight he would end this game and get it over with. She got off work at ten, and when she did heâd be waiting there. After that, it be simple, one shot to the head and she wouldnât be his problem anymore.
Moretti didnât exactly ask for proof of delivery, nobody was stupid enough to question Dex after he worked a job. If he said he did it, then he did it.
Except he didnât do it. Moretti hadnât asked, and he didnât tell. But the man wasnât an idiot, heâd find out eventually.
Even more reason to get rid of you as soon as possible.
He had the plan solidly in his mind. Wait until you walked in with your guard down, lodge a knife in your throat before you could blink.
This night, you took a bit longer than usual. Dex was dully aware that this didnât bother him. He wasnât upset by waiting, there was a tingling anticipation within him.
Eventually, you walked through the door, shutting it behind you with a click. You didnât notice him at first, stretching out your neck and the muscles in your back.
You dropped your coat to the ground, stepping over it without a second glance. You were still shifting your head from side to side, trying to alleviate some tension.
He would be able to do it almost immediately. With his hands on your neck he could target the exact points of your muscle pain. His index finger flinched at the thought.
His eyes flickered to the flash of skin on the side of your neck, words coming out of his mouth before he could recall the plan he came in with.
He was barely even aware of what he said, just your response. He watched with rapt attention as your eyes widened, taking him in.
As your eyes scanned his frame, he could feel his hips shift forward slightly.
A myriad of expressions flickered through your face, fear, surprise, anger. He took them all in with delight. The buzz of anticipation from before rose to a crescendo, he couldnât wait to see what youâd do.
Would you beg? Offer to pay him for your life?
Despite coming in your apartment with a clear directive, he wasnât sure exactly what heâd do if you asked him to spare your life.
Not important, focus.
You didnât do anything he expected. Instead of a blubbering mess, you were composed, if not a little annoyed.
If he didnât already know it before, it was clear you valued your small possessions. You seemed to care about the puzzles more than your own life.
It made him angry.
Who were you to throw him off? Why were you doing this to him? This is not how this was supposed to go.
He got within a hairsbreadth of your face, trying to intimidate you. Break the facade. It didnât work, you only seemed more annoyed by the attempt.
Until you werenât. Something about his stance towering over you seemed to ignite a thought process. He wasnât a mind reader, but he could tell the cause of your discomfort pretty easily.
He let you go quickly, as if he were burned. He would not hurt you, not like that.
Dex weighed his options. Killing you would make things a lot simpler, both with Moretti and the urges in his mind. This is what he knew best, the only real thing heâs good for. You would be no problem to take care of.
Only issue? The more he thought about putting a bullet in your head, the more he was sure that was the last thing he wanted to do.
This wasnât even his typical area. The snitches he usually tracked down had blood on their hands, a dark past they were scrambling to escape.
You werenât necessarily a good person, you didnât volunteer at food drives or regularly give to charity, but nothing warranted your death. There was no scale for him to equal.
You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Heâd reached his decision. Fuck Moretti, heâd deal with that weasel bitch later. For now, heâd have to get you shuffled off to bed.
There was something he was itching to do since he got there.
He didnât show up that day.
Your off day was spent with anxious anticipation, like he would randomly jump out of your cabinets and scare you shitless.
Despite your worry (hope), Knives never showed. You took a page out of Matthewâs book and gave him a nickname, if only to avoid calling him âthe manâ in your head.
The more you thought about it, the more perplexed you were.
A masked killer came into your home, had a fairly civil conversation with you, then did your chores?
No matter how much you thought about it, none of that made sense. You should have been dead days ago. If they decided not to kill you, they should at least know by now you werenât going to snitch.
You didnât even consider calling the police.
You groaned, head tilting back against your apartment elevator. Your day at work had been relatively uneventful.
Nobody really spoke to you much, sans Matthew who always had something to say. This time about your dark circles and whether or not you had a mental breakdown. And he wondered why his girlfriend left him.
You crack open bleary eyes to look at yourself in the metal walls and wince. Maybe they had a point, you wouldnât talk to yourself either looking like this.
There was prominent darkness under your eyes, framing the haunted look within them. Your face was pinched in a permanent frown, and you lifted up a hand to relax the expression.
The elevator doors opened with a ding, and you started the trek over to your door. You raised a hand to unlock it, pausing half way.
Putting your keys back in your pocket, you tried the handle of your door. It opened easily.
Your heartbeat quickened but you didnât halt your movement, continuing inside the apartment. Everything was just like you left it earlier, dim lights and the tv on as background noise.
You took slow steps to the center of the room, spinning in a circle. He wasnât there.
The living room and kitchen were both empty, and you didnât know whether to be happy about that or not.
Why would he just leave your door unlocked when he wasnât even here? There were robbers in the area, what if someone happened to try your door?
You ran a hand through your hair, barking a laugh. You had forgotten for a moment who he was. He was not a friend or visitor that would care whether or not you were robbed.
But why would he clean your house then?
You werenât sure if youâd ever find the answer to that last question.
Still on edge, you tip toed towards your couch, where you unceremoniously dumped your bag and coat. Stretching out your shoulders, you walked towards the bedroom.
You were expecting a boiling shower with warm pajamas to slip into before crashing. You were not expecting a six-foot something man to be leaning over your bedside drawer, rifling through its contents.
âHey!â You said, equally in surprise and indignation. âThatâs private. Put that down.â
Brown eyes flicked up to you from where heâd been reading your notebook. It wasnât a diary per se, but it held some personal thoughts youâd rather stayed private.
Knives leisurely sat the book on your bed, putting up his hands in faux surrender. âWere you looking for me?â
His voice was just as gravelly as the first night, snaking over your ears. It was much lighter however, he sounded almost⊠happy?
You cleared your throat, fighting back a shiver. âWhat?â Did he see you searching your apartment like a goof? Probably.
You could see his lips curl into a smirk beneath the mask, capturing your attention for a moment.
You wondered what he would look like without it.
You could see more of him in the daylight, like the light eyelashes framing his eyes and the similar tone of his eyebrows. The mask was filled out with a sharp frame, and you could see the cut of prominent cheekbones under the fabric.
âNothing. Whatâs that about?â He nodded towards your notebook he had been reading.
He was still holding his hands up, for what you had no idea. Maybe he thought it was funny to act like you were the one in power here.
âItâs a notebook, you write in them.â You didnât care to go over your innermost thoughts with a stranger, briskly avoiding the subject.
His eyes flashed in an emotion you couldnât place, hands finally coming down to rest at his sides. âHow was work?â He asked placidly.
What?
The hell?
Your eyes burned with tears that had yet to fall, sucking in a sharp breath to compose yourself. âHavenât you had enough? I have been waiting for the day you finally-â you waved your hands around animatedly. âAnd then you just-â
He only stared on with the same solid expression.
You took another breath, âAre you going to kill me or not?â
âNo.â
You swore you could feel your heartbeat hiccup, âNo?â
Before you could pull it back, the words were out of your mouth. âWhy not?â
You regretted the question immediately, watching as his eyes darkened.
There was a stretch of silence, and you were wondering how to do damage control when he spoke again, âBecause I donât want to. YouâŠâ
His gaze rakes up and down your frame. âYou arenât my North Star, no, something else. I want to find out what you are.â
Your words were little more than a whisper. âWhat I am?â
He sauntered towards you, slow as if walking towards a spooked animal. Or like he was hunting one. He only stopped once he was directly in front of you, toe to toe.
âYes, Iâm going to watch you and learn you. Why I feel this urge to-â he cuts off abruptly, eyes widened in surprise.
âIâm not going to hurt you.â
It seems like he wasnât even prepared for what the answer was.
You stared at him, heartbeat still thundering in your ears. It was silly to believe a masked intruder from his words, but you did.
Nothing about that seemed like a lie. Despite what heâd initially found you for, he didnât look like he wanted you dead. So, you believed him.
Your only worry was what he would do with you.
âO-Okay.â Was all you said before grabbing your clothes out the dresser and locking yourself in the bathroom.
You could only hope you turned fast enough that he didnât see the redness in your face.
He was gone from the bedroom when you got out the shower. Everything was put back in its place, there was no sign of him. It made you wonder how many times he looked through your things without you knowing.
It shouldâve made you unnerved⊠it didnât.
He said he wanted to learn you. That you werenât a north star. What did that mean? Why were you kind of excited about finding out?
You sniffed the air, there was a smell drifting from your kitchen filled with spices and butter. Like it were activated, your stomach suddenly released a large growl.
It seemed no matter how shocked you could get, there were still more surprises, Knives was at the stove, stirring something in a pot. You could see your oven was on as well, the light showing loaves of garlic bread on a sheet inside.
âYou should go start a puzzle, itâll be another five minutes.â He spoke without turning around, still continuing to stir the pot on the stove.
Thereâs a breaking point in a persons life where they stop asking questions. You were at that point.
So you pushed aside the wonder of why he was cooking, or where he even got the ingredients from, and sat down in your lounge chair.
You froze. It smelled like him. Gunpowder and metal, with a tinge of spearmint, the chairs leather still held a hint of him. You wondered how many times you could breathe it in without him noticing.
He was still focused on the foodâŠ
No. Stop. Get yourself together. You canât just turn into a weirdo at the first attractive man you meet. Whoâs to say heâs even attractive? He could be hideous under that mask.
You glanced over at him, eyeing the broadness of his shoulders and the muscle shifting under cloth.
You didnât notice before, but he had taken off his gloves. His hands were big but deft, he probably wouldâve made a good piano player in another life.
The evidence of this life was there as well. White scars marred his hands and trailed up his forearm to disappear under his shirt sleeve. You had no doubt they continued to the rest of his body too.
You tried to remind yourself of what those hands could do, why they were dangerous. Unfortunately your brain didnât think it was that important at the moment, because the only thing you could remember is how they felt on your face.
You shook off the thoughts, blindly grabbing the closest puzzle box to you, it was a city landscape.
The pieces tumbled onto your living room table, sound echoing throughout the apartment. The only other sound past your moving pieces was the crackle of fire in the kitchen.
You needed some background noise.
You clicked on the tv, the low droning of the weather report filling the empty space. The screen had half your attention, but that was enough for your ears to perk when you heard the next segment of the news.
âAnd here we have the aftermath of another brawl from the vigilante known as Daredevil, he was in this very warehouse last night when the reports of gunfire started-â
The newscaster was one youâd seen before, usually for the more serious cases around the city. Her mouth was set in a hard line as she continued her warning.
â-advising all citizens to report any vigilante activity to the NYPD or AVTF whenever you become aware. If you do encounter Daredevil, do not engage-â
The tv went out in a wink, making you flinch. Like a bullet, a flying quarter had hit the power button dead center on your remote. Didnât need many guesses to know where it came from.
The man in question was sauntering over with a steaming plate, glaring at the tv like it had personally offended him.
âYou couldâve just asked me to turn it off.â You mutter, loud enough for him to hear you.
He didnât answer, setting the plate in front of you with a clink. âEat.â
You looked from him to the plate of food, then back again. It looked wonderful, a creamy heap of pasta with sautĂ©ed vegetables and garlic bread. It was all neatly arranged on your only kitchenware you hadnât chipped.
You only wondered why the hell he had cooked it.
He seemed to misread your trepidation, leaning down to tug up a corner of his mask and shovel in a bit of the pasta. âNot poisoned. Not my style.â He said after a thick swallow.
The flash of lips, regardless how quick, distracted you. You stared on as a pink tongue flicked out to swipe at his mouth before he tugged the mask back down. It took you another few seconds to get it together.
âI know. You prefer to give people a million paper cuts.â
To your surprise, knives barked out a laugh, âThatâs one way of putting it, sure.â
You turned to the food and started eating in an attempt to bypass the awkwardness. It was hard to suppress a groan when the first bit hit your mouth, the food was as good as it looked. If not better.
Do all hitmen take culinary classes or was it just his hobby?
You thought he would find something else to do, maybe vanish into thin air like heâd never been there at all, but the man chose to sit right across from you on the couch.
Dark eyes fixated on you as you ate in complete focus. He didnât seem to want more conversation, just be a spectator. His only movement was circling a small knife around in his hand, but the movement didnât seem threatening, more absentminded than anything else.
You didnât realize how hungry you were until you were finishing the meal in record time, only clearing your throat to speak once youâd cleared the last bite, âIt was great, thank you.â
He was grabbing the plate from you before you could even offer to clean up, making his way back to the kitchen and placing it inside your dishwasher with the other used pots and pans.
âReally, you donât have to-â you started, but he was already finished and walking back over to you.
âI know. I donât have to do anything at all, advantages of self employment.â It was clear by his tone and the crinkle of his eyes that he was smirking. He took his time walking back to the couch, this time spreading his arms across the back in the appearance of complete comfortability.
What he said made you curious, âYou donât work for the man at the train?â
He tilted his head as if considering the answer. âI donât work for anyone,â a new tinge of bitterness coated his tone, âbut if youâre referring to the bozo who took a hit out on you, yes. I was the one given the assignment.â
âAh, I figured.â The response came out more nonchalant than intended, but he truly didnât tell you anything you hadnât already suspected.
âYouâre not bothered by that?â
You shrugged, âNah, I trust you.â You meant for it to be fully sarcastic, and almost succeeded, but there was a bit of honesty that shone through. Against all better judgement and sound mind, you did trust him.
He stared at you, only providing a small scoff and muttering under his breath as response.
With the newfound silence, you decided to follow his earlier request and complete the puzzle that was started. You almost invited him to do it with you, but your mouth closed with a snap after looking over at him.
He seemed to be lost in thought about something, dark blonde eyebrows furrowed as he stared somewhere out your window.
Your eyes went back to the puzzle, the only sounds being the soft scrape of the pieces and faint breathing. You grimaced while reaching for some of the further pieces, the movement had aggravated the neck pain you usually had after a long shift.
Rolling your neck in a circle only slightly helped, there was still a crick in the muscle that most likely wouldnât go away until after a lengthy soak in epsom salt.
Your distracted mind was only half aware of the other figure rising from the couch and making his way over to you.
âSit back.â
You looked behind you in surprise, wondering how heâd gotten right behind your chair without you knowing. âWhy?â You werenât really concerned about the request, just curious what he intended.
âI canât keep watching you do that without doing something. Sit back.â He tapped the headrest for emphasis.
Okay, bossy.
You rolled your eyes but did as he asked, sliding back to fully rest in the chair. It was a moment of nothing until you felt warmth against your shoulder blades.
You let out a full body flinch at the contact, but his hands didnât falter, continuing a path from your shoulders into the sides of your neck. Strong thumbs dug into the muscles and nerves causing you pain, and you couldnât keep a satisfied sigh from seeping out.
You practically melted into his hands as they traveled over every aching part of your back. Every time he dispelled a knot it knocked a quiet sound out of you.
It was firm but precise, every drag of his warm calloused hands left a tingling sensation in their wake. You couldnât help but think about what else his hands could doâŠ
The idea created a burning within you. The smell and feel of him so close was dangerous, and you were already wanting more of it. Needing more of it. You were absently aware of his breathing kicking up, almost delving into a pant in your ears.
He eventually slowed down, rubbing his fingers in circular motions on the top of your spine before retreating completely. He didnât retreat too far, barely taking a step back as he stood behind your chair.
You didnât look at him, focusing on calming your breathing and not appearing like the mess you were on the inside. You didnât need a mirror to know your the flushed expression you wore.
You opened your mouth, then closed it, not trusting yourself to beg for his hands to touch you again.
He spoke before you could work up the nerve of a response, âI have to go.â
âWait-â But it was too late, he was already closing the front door when you turned around.
Knives arrived more frequently after that night.
He didnât stay as long, or touch you again, (much to your disappointment) but he would usually pop in without rhyme or reason with gifts and a bit of conversation.
You never asked him for anything, but he somehow always knew what you needed.
A new detergent when the old one just ran out, some more butter in the fridge, your favorite ice cream when you were craving it.
As far as you remembered, you never told him what your favorite flavor was, nor did you ever have one in the freezer since meeting him. He still knew.
Someone knowing so much about you shouldâve probably unnerved you, but it only gave you a sense of serenity. You didnât have to worry about explaining yourself to him, there was no pressure on your end. He just watched, and learned.
Except in one area. He seemed to be oblivious to your attraction to him, not flirting with you even once. There were his snarky remarks and knowing smirks sure, but that seemed to be less hitting on you and just more of who he was.
Unless, he does know youâre into him and just doesnât feel the same so heâs ignoring it.
You brushed the thought off, sighing as you unlocked the door to your apartment. It was really no use wondering about it, even with all the time spent with Knives, you barely had a clue what was going on in his head.
Besides, after the day youâd had it was hard to think about anything else.
To say it was a bad shift would be an understatement. Youâd overslept that morning, rushing through your morning routine but still arriving twenty-five minutes late to clock in.
It was a rare busy day in the store, and you could barely push past people to get to your register.
âAbout time.â Matthew shot you a dirty look between filing away the bills in his hand.
Your job was severely understaffed, and today was no different, which meant that in your absence Matthew had to handle the hordes of people on his own.
You gave him an apologetic nod, waving the next person in line over to you. Soon enough, the lines dwindled into nothing as the rush passed.
You wiped your sweaty hands on your pants leg, signing out of the POS to go work on other things. A stack of boxes caught your eye, and you moved closer to start unpacking the items inside.
âGo do the inventory. He wants it in the front on the orange display.â Snapped Matthew behind you. He was pointing at the very boxes you were already walking towards.
You didnât bother correcting him in saying you were already going to do that, instead giving a curt nod.
âWhat, you canât speak today? Didnât take your meds?â He raised a brow, grinning at you.
Breathe, donât let him get to you.
âIâm just going to do my job.â
His grin only widened at your answer. âHeh, okay. You do that.â
You ignored him, quickly pulling a dolly from the back transport the boxes to the front of the store.
You wiped a hand over your brow, starting to sweat with the effort. It would be a lot easier with two people, but like hell you were going to ask that asshole.
Matthew wasnât really nice to anyone, except maybe the new hires he wanted to flirt with, but you still never understood why he seemed to hate you so much.
Because youâre always the odd man out, the one no one really likes, the one-
âShut up.â You spat out the words, making sure you were quiet enough for no one else to hear. Matthew didnât need more ammunition to call you crazy.
You directed your attention to the store display and away from your bleak thoughts. You couldnât help what others thought of you, the only thing you could do at the moment was finish the stupid display and move onto your other work.
You vacantly slapped the folded clothes onto the shelves, mind drifting elsewhere.
I bet knives never had to work in retail.
Youâd be very surprised if he ever had a real job before. Trying to imagine his scowling face behind a cash register made a chuckle bubble within you.
Heâd probably stab someone on his first day.
Shit, he can stab Matthew for all I care.
You half scolded yourself at the thought, realizing how fucked up it sounded to wish that someone stab your coworker. You werenât as upset by the thought as you couldâve been.
There was a sharp creaking noise, and before you could react, the metal shelf you had been stacking on crashed down on your arm.
âShit-â You jumped back to avoid falling with it, but the damage had been done. The edge of the shelf dug a cut down your forearm that was already spurting blood over you and the merchandise.
âOh no, shit, shit, shit-â You couldnât think straight, only standing there in a panic as you gripped your bloody arm.
âWhat the fuck did you do now?â If you thought Matthew was mad at you before, he was pissed now. âI asked you to do one simple thing and you canât even do that? Whoâs gonna clean this shit up?â
Heâd left a customer at the desk to see what the sound was, but he didnât seem to care about their existence as he yelled at you.
âFuckin disability hire, canât even stock a shelf. I donât know why youâre standing there, you should be-â
You didnât wait for him to finish, bumping into him as you rushed towards the back room with tears in your eyes.
Donât cry. Donât you dare cry in front of him, heâs not worth it.
You ignored his calls for you to come back, slamming your work locker open and grabbing your things. You didnât even bother clocking out, only stopping by the lunch corner to grab paper towels and wipe down your arm.
The harsh wind from outside only aggravated your eyes more, but you steeled yourself against the cold.
You got plenty weird looks on the train ride home, but nobody said anything to you. It was probably the mix of blood staining your hands and scowl that discouraged conversation.
A ten minute ride followed by a brisk walk brought you back to where you were, standing at your apartment door with an aching cut.
You shouldered the door open with your uninjured side, immediately dropping your things to the ground once you were inside.
The cut hurt like a bitch and was still freely bleeding, but you shouldnât need stitches or anything dramatic. The med kit from under your sink in the bathroom should more than suffice.
You turned the corner towards the bathroom, but stopped short at the figure standing there.
The visitor was more expected than not these days, but you didnât think heâd be here this early since he usually met you after your shift.
âWhat did I say about taking care of your things?â He half turned from the window where you assumed heâd watched you come in.
Youâd usually muster up something equally as playful in response, but this time, you were not in the mood.
He seemed to sense the shift, whipping his head over to you. It didnât take long for his eyes to rake over you, gaze landing on your right arm.
âWho did that?â His demeanor changed completely after seeing the injury, voice turning steely.
It only took a few strides for him to reach you, hand snapping out to grasp your forearm. His eyes were blazing with anger behind his mask and he looked two seconds away from disemboweling someone.
Even though you knew his anger wasnât with you; it still took a moment to stutter out a response, âNo one, I-i did it myself. Well, not did it, it wasnât on purpose. An accident at work.â
Your clarification didnât seem to calm him much.
He stepped to your side, scooping an arm under your legs to pull you to his chest, his other arm supporting your back. He walked towards your bathroom with purpose.
You let out a squawk of surprise at being airborne, âHey, I can still walk. Itâs just a cut, you donât have to carry me.â
âBlood loss causes dizziness, and it looks like youâve already lost too much.â Someone wouldâve thought you were bleeding out by how aggravated he sounded.
You didnât want to mention that the main reason you were dizzy was his close proximity, not the injury. You were closer to him than you ever were before, and you couldnât stop yourself from taking in a deep whiff. Blood, metal, mint.
He knocked your bathroom door open with enough strength to make it rattle, marching over to your closed toilet where he set you down gently but firmly.
As always, he knew where you put everything, so you didnât have to direct him as he pulled out your small med kit.
It was just the buzz of the fluorescent lights for noise as he rummaged through the kit, occasionally pulling out select items heâd need.
You watched as hazel eyes narrowed in concentration, stomach doing a flip at how focused he was on helping you. How caring.
There was a mix of disinfectant and many bandages on the counter (more than youâd probably need), and he looked over them quickly before washing his hands and snapping on latex gloves.
âItâs going to hurt, you can hold onto me if you need to.â Was the only warning you got before he was gripping your arm with one hand and wiping down the cut with the other.
The antibacterial liquid was cold and stinging, you let out a sharp hiss at the stab of pain. As the blood was cleaned away, you could see that the cut was a bit deeper than you thought.
âI-ah, you donât think Iâll need stitches, right?â You were a bit scared to ask, his frown had only deepened once he started working on you.
âNo. Itâs not to that point, but youâll need to keep it wrapped tightly for a while so the skin can join back together.â
And he was right, after cleaning the wound thoroughly, he stuck some hefty bandages over the opening and wrapped it all in a tight cover of gauze.
He tucked the end of the fabric inside to secure it, and tugged off his gloves to clear away the mess of dirty wipes and wrappers on the counter.
You didnât bother thanking him, knowing by now that he wouldnât accept it.
You looked down at his work, neat as usual. You startled as a pill bottle was being shaken in front of you, eyes focusing to read the label.
âIt doesnât really hurt that much.â
He shook it again, insisting, âIt will later, take one.â
You knew there was no chance of changing his mind, and it didnât seem like the worst idea, so you grabbed the container and swallowed down one of the pills.
Satisfied, Knives leaned back against the wall opposite you, muscular arms folded over his chest.
Despite his quietness, you could still sense the underlying anger rolling off him. Knowing the answer, you asked anyway, âAre you upset?â
âExplain what happened.â
You hesitated for a moment, then started the retelling of what happened that day. You kept your composure for the most part, voice only hitching when you repeated what your coworker had said about you.
Knives stood stock still through it all, watching with that calm dangerous air that he had.
By the time you were done, you felt the telltale signs of tears, but you pushed it down again. You didnât want it to bother you, but it did. After a life of dealing with rejection, it still stung.
A warm hand lifted up your chin, thumb swiping away tears you werenât aware had fallen. âYou donât deserve that, none of it. It wonât happen again.â There wasnât an ounce of question in his tone, he was sure of it.
You let out a weak laugh, sniffling. âI could only hope, heâll probably be worse after today though. Especially since I left early.â
He hummed, âIâve always disliked the name Mathew, all of them are annoying.â He sounded like he usually did again, slightly amused as if he were in on a joke that you werenât.
You laughed again, stronger this time. âI canât say Iâve had experience with that many Matthewâs to agree with you.â
He ran his thumb over your cheek one more time before backing away. âTrust me, they are. You should take tomorrow off.â
There he goes again, giving demands veiled as suggestions.
âI would love to, but unfortunately some of us common folk need jobs, and if I call out again Iâll probably be u employed. Iâm sure youâve never worked one, so itâs hard to understand.â Your tone is playfully mocking, but itâs the truth. There was no way your manager was going to be okay with that, plus, you needed to make up for the money lost by leaving early.
âI have.â He adverts his eyes to your left, âworked a job that is.â
You perked up, it was rare that the man offered information past what model his knives were, and you didnât want to lose the opportunity to learn more about him.
âOh really? As what?â You kept your tone light, to not seem like you were prying.
âAn officer.â
âLike, a police officer?â
âNo. Not exactly.â
You blinked in confusion.
He shifted in his stance, like the conversation was suddenly making him uncomfortable. âAgent, would be the better term. I-â He paused, finding the right words. âI locked away the monsters of the world, and protected the people I needed to.â
You cocked a brow, âSo, you were a spy?â
He huffed, giving you a look. âNo. How the hell did you get spy out of that?â
âYou are amazingly vague at every answer, I figured it would fit.â You shrugged, wincing when the movement aggravated the skin of your arm.
He zoned in on the expression, eyes narrowing again. âYou should go to bed, especially if youâre insisting on going to work tomorrow.â
It was clear that was all the answers youâd get out of him, this night at least. You let out a huff of breath, using the counter to pull yourself into a standing position.
There was a wave of wooziness, and you fought to keep balance. Clearly the pill was doing its job.
An arm snaked around to your back, steadying you as you walked to your bedroom. As if there were an invisible barrier, he stopped at the threshold. In the dim lighting, you could only see the dark outline of him and the glint of metal strapped to his person.
To anyone else it would be menacing, terrifying even, to have the attention of the killer focused on them. You only craved more of it.
âThereâs soup in your fridge if you want it. Change the wrapping in the morning, it shouldnât cause any issues before then.â
You could only blame the strength of the pain pill for your lack of restraint, âDo you have to leave right now?â
A pause. âI do. I have something else to take care of.â
You tried not to take it as a dismissal, but it hurt nonetheless.
Something else. Not you.
âRight, okay.â The disappointment was obvious in your voice.
Steady steps made their way over to your bedside, âI donât want to, but are some things I need to do. Iâll see you soon.â
You could barely make out the shape of him standing over you, drowsiness and the pain medicine muddling things together. âAye, aye captian.â
A deep chuckle, and then a quiet response, âDex.â
Dex. It suits him. You couldnât tell if youâd said the name aloud or in your head, already giving way to unconsciousness.
The last thing you felt was a hand lightly trailing down your face before blackness.
Other than feeling like a sledgehammer hit you, your next day at work was uncharacteristically peaceful.
Even though Matthew was scheduled alongside you for the week, he never showed up for work that day.
Or the next day. Or the next one after that.
He didnât call out, and based on the grumble from your manager, hadnât quit either.
You never said anything, never even thought the words in your head, but you knew what happened.
If you were really honest with yourself, you knew what was going to happen when you heard the assurance in his voice that you wouldnât have any more problems.
Kni-No-Dex, was a killer, regardless of how he treated you. You knew how he solved problems.
You were a little nervous at how little it bothered you. You had the same tingling feeling you got when he replaced one of the lightbulbs in your apartment without asking.
Cared for.
But there was another problem, Dex was nowhere to be seen either. Heâd never shown up again after that night, and you were starting to get concerned.
Even though he didnât show up every single day, missing several days in a row was out of character for him. You could only hope that he wasnât dead or arrested somewhere.
It seemed silly to worry about him, especially with how competent he seemed. You didnât steadily watch the news, but everyone in the city had heard of a man in a blue mask who could lodge a knife in your head faster than you could blink.
Bullseye.
Heâd never told you it was him, but you werenât an idiot, all the traits aligned. Not to mention his name, Dex, most likely short for Benjamin Pointdexter. The man who was sent to prison a while back for murder.
You didnât care about any of that. Your only concern was that he was M.I.A. and it was out of character.
Maybe he just got bored, found someone else.
You ignored the slithering thought, knowing itâs not true.
Despite not knowing all of his life, you knew him, he was obsessive to a fault. His cleanliness, the order of his knives, and seeing you all fell into a cycling routine that he didnât stray from.
He wouldnât just dissapear.
Your leg shook nervously as you focused on the television. The news was covering a recent stock drop or something related. You were half listening for anything that could be related to him.
You were sure that an extremely wanted convict being detained would make front page news, so if anything happened, theyâd talk about it here.
So far, it was nothing of substance, just the economy and a new court case with the slime-ball mayor.
You were shaking your leg so vigorously that you almost didnât hear it at first. Your hand shot out, muting the tv before straining your ears.
There it was, a soft shuffling sound coming from your bedroom. You jumped up, heart fluttering in your chest as you rushed over there.
You only stopped short of your bedroom door to grab a nearby book, just in case it wasnât Dex in your room and you needed a weapon.
Turns out, it was unnecessary, you saw him immediately upon entering, slumped against your open window.
âDex-â His name was expelled in a relieved breath, but you only grew concerned again the more you looked at him.
Dark patches covered his mask and the fabric of his suit. His gloves were on, but you could see the clear glisten of blood coating them.
âHey. Thought youâd be asleep. I can go soon, just gotta take a breather.â
You scoffed indignantly, quickly going over to him, âA breather? Jesus, what happened?â
âNot Jesus, just me.â
You glared at him. It was not the time for jokes, definitely not as he was dripping blood on your floor.
âYou can explain later, here.â You supported him under his shoulder as you guided him to your bed.
âGonna get it dirty.â He pushed back slightly as you tried to sit him down, but fell back anyway when you applied more force.
âItâs okay, I have other sheets. Iâm worried about you right now.â
You could tell he was smirking based off the look in his eyes, further proven by the next statement. âWorried about me?â
You didnât even bother hiding the emotion in your response, âYes, I do. A lot.â
That made him quiet, glinting eyes searching your face for any hint of a joke or lie. He seemed to find none, but had no response for you. It was hard to tell his full expression behind the mask, and you found yourself sick of it.
Besides, itâs not like you didnât know who he was.
Your fingers curled under the edge, lifting it gently, but a firm grip on your wrist stopped you.
âBen, itâs okay.â
His eyes widened in slight surprise at your use of his first name, but it did the trick. The hand holding you fell away and you pulled the fabric fully off his face.
You sucked in a breath at the injuries before you. A trickle of blood coated his blond grey-flecked hair where it stuck to his forehead, and there was a bruise blooming on his cheekbone.
The lips you had admired not that long ago were sporting a cut, but even with all that, Dex didnât appear to be in a lot of pain. His face showed an openness and tiredness that youâd never seen on him before.
Without thinking, you raised a hand to brush lightly over his mouth, relishing in the slight flutter of his eyes as you did so.
You couldnât stop, addicted to the reaction. Your hand trailed from his lips to the side of his face, and over his sharp jawbone. You mapped out everything that was hidden to you before, ignoring the smear of blood on your hand.
His piercing gaze stayed fixed on you as he pressed his head into your palm. His only other movement was twitching hands where they rested over his thighs. He stayed still, not trying to stop you or rush you, just accepting.
It wasnât until your fingertips brushed over his throat that he shivered beneath you. The movement was nearly imperceptible, but he had definitely tilted his head back slightly to give you more access.
It made something swirl in your abdomen. How much he trusted you, how willing he was beneath your hands. How good he looked, injuries and all.
You told him as such, and his eyebrows knit together like he had been hit.
âDonât say that, you donât know what youâre starting.â His voice was weak, barely a whisper in the quiet of the room.
âI do.â
âNo you donât. You said you care about me, Iâm not easy to care for.â The words werenât said in self deprecation or a stab at sympathy, just factual. He truly believed that care and tenderness wasnât made for him.
It sent a pang through your heart, for so many years you held a similar sentiment about yourself. You were difficult to understand, to accept but he did, and you could do the same for him.
âI know.â You held his face in both palms, a hairsbreadth away from him, âNeither am I.â
Your lips meeting his seemed to ignite action within him, hands that were previously dormant snapping up to grab at your hips firmly.
You were pulled down to straddle his lap, already feeling a poking hardness in the fabric. It was your turn to shiver, giving an experimental grind forward as you continued to kiss him breathlessly.
That caused a deep groan to flood from his throat into your mouth. He quickly found purchase over your ass to guide you into repeating the movement.
While you grinded over the hard length in his pants, his tongue explored the expanse of your mouth, flicking over the ridges and smoothness inside. You could taste the uniqueness of him, but also the metallic tang of blood from his lip.
You only pulled away to breathe once the burning in your chest couldnât be ignored. Chest heaving, you pulled back and watched as he did the same.
He couldnât seem to see enough of you, eyes raking from your chest down your frame and back again. His lips were swollen and spit slicked, and you were sure you had a similar look of dishevelment.
His hands trailed up your spine and back down to where you sat on top of him. You could hear the swallow he took before speaking, âIf Iâm going to have you, itâs going to be all of you. If you go through with this, youâre not leaving me, you get that?â His voice was steady despite being out of breath, tone deadly serious.
You could read between the lines for the warning. There was no going back for Dex if you continued, no breakups, no do-overs.
Lucky for him you didnât want any.
In lieu of response, you surged forward, attacking his mouth with your own as you drug yourself firmly over his crotch.
You gasped out a moan as the movement caught between your legs, right where you needed it most. But it wasnât enough. You needed to be closer.
You shrugged off your top, throwing it to an unseen side of the room. Another shiver racked your body as lips made use of the newly exposed skin, nipping and sucking over your chest and sternum.
His fingers grabbed onto the latch of your bra, but you stopped him short. âNo, get out of that suit first.â
He backed away from you with a half lidded gaze, trademark smirk flicking on his lips. âYes maâam.â
He seemed to enjoy watching you squirm as he unlatched all the zippers and buttons of his suit, moving much slower than necessary. The utility belt came off first, knives clinking as he threw them on your nightstand. The top part of his suit was soon to follow, dark fabric peeling away to reveal fair skin.
He wasnât as injured as youâd assumed, just a dark blooming bruise on his ribs and left shoulder. Every other mark was old and weathered, the raised scars scattered across his torso spoke of years of pain.
You took him in unabashedly, eyes raking over pronounced pectorals and the defined abs that covered his stomach. Light hair dusted his chest and led in a trail past the waistband of his pants.
His smirk only widened as he watched you watching him. Patiently waiting, he sat there for your next move.
It was only fair that you lost the next bit of clothing, so you rose off him to shimmy out of your pants, leaving the underwear on.
His brow rose as he caught onto the little game you were playing. His pants came off quickly after, joining yours in a dark heap.
The only thing shielding the prominent bulge in his lap was dark grey briefs. They didnât leave much to the imagination, clinging to the long rod of him and wrapping around solid thighs. You could see a dark patch in the fabric where heâd already started leaking, your core throbbing in response.
You settled on his lap again, smiling at the soft hiss he let out from the pressure. Your hand wrapped around his wrist, guiding him to your bra clasp as you trailed fingertips past the waistband of his briefs.
His fingers deftly unlatched the clasp, and the cover fell away right as you pulled his length free.
It slapped loudly against his lower stomach, smearing white across his skin and your hand.
His eyes werenât focused on that though, only staring at your chest with intimidating focus. âGod, the things I wantâta do to you.â
It was spoken under his breath so quietly, you were unsure if the words were meant for you to hear.
âSo do them.â
He only laughed, leaning back on his elbows to watch you.
He knew what you wanted, he just wasnât going to give it to you that easily. Your frustration only made him impossibly harder.
Despite his blasé act, you could see you were having an effect on him. Every rock of your hips made his cock twitch, a bead of white dribbling out the top. His neck and chest were covered in a flush, and every breath he took seemed labored. Shaky.
You decided to play his own game, fuck with him a little, âCâmon Dex, show me what you promised.â
You reached down, rubbing a thumb over the leaking slit between you. He let out a breathy moan, hips involuntarily bucking up into you.
You didnât stop in your ministrations, leaning down to speak directly in his ear. âYou said you wanted all of me, so take it. You have me.â
Your words caused another twitch in your hand. âYou have me, Iâm yours.â
The words were barely out your mouth when you were flipped onto your back, bouncing against the mattress. You let out a startled giggle at the movement, only sobering when you looked down.
The look Dex gave you made your heart stutter for a moment. The only way you could describe it was carnivorous. His eyes were dark and shadowed, and if you didnât know him well enough to recognize the want in his expression, he looked almost pissed off.
It only made wetness pool in your core.
âYou want this?â He left a trail of open mouthed kisses down your stomach.
It was a rhetorical question, but you nodded anyway.
âWhere do you want me? Here?â He bit at your hipbone, soothing the flesh with a lick afterwards.
âOr here?â His breath ghosted across the damp patch of your panties, making you thrum in anticipation.
âYes, right there.â Any more dilly dallying and youâd probably start begging. You had a feeling thatâs exactly what he wanted.
âHmm, interesting.â He ignored the area, trailing lips down your inner thighs. His hands gripped your knees, preventing you from closing yourself off to him.
He bit random spots all the way down your thigh, licking a stripe on the way up.
âDex- câmon.â You huffed. The feeling of his mouth on yours was amazing, but it wasnât nearly enough and he knew it.
âWhose are you?â The words are spoken into your skin, in the crease of your hip.
âYours.â
âAnd who do I belong to?â He grasped the waistband of your underwear between his teeth, dragging them down slowly.
âMe.â
You only saw the flash of a smile before his mouth was on you fully. You let out a shuddering moan as his lips latched onto your clit, sucking hard.
He juggled between your bundle of nerves and trailing his tongue down to your entrance, licking inside.
You could feel him groan against you as you grabbed a fistful of his hair, holding him steady.
Between your existing wetness and his mouth, you were soaking, juices dripping down to the bedsheets past his mouth.
His mouth traveled up again to focus on your nub while one of his hands snaked around to press two fingers against your entrance.
They slipped in easily, quickly building a rhythm trusting into you while his tongue lapped at you from the outside.
You couldnât even make a sound as your peak quickly approached, your body just seized with the amount of pleasure rolling through you.
Your eyesight blanked out, and you took a few heaving breaths before you were able to find your voice again.
Even as your moans turned to over sensitive whimpers, he didnât let up, only slowing down the movement of his hands and mouth. He seemed to be lost in the action, only focused on you and your enjoyment.
You had to yank his head back to get him to stop, and he did so with a bit of reluctance.
His hands trailed over you, running smoothing circles over your hips and legs.
Impatiently, you dug your heels into his back, nudging him upward towards you.
He followed happily, the same hungry expression on his face, except now there was a lack of tension. He seemed more relaxed, like he was the one who came and not you.
âI might not last too long. Donât do this much, or at all really.â He analyzed your face after heâd said it, looking for any shift in your expression.
You were kind of shocked by the revelation, but werenât put off by it at all. For a normal guy that looked like Dex, youâd assume they had a steady stream of people coming into their bed.
He wasnât normal, and he definitely wasnât the type to have one night stands. In fact, before tonight, you werenât completely certain he was interested in sex at all.
You wouldâve accepted him either way of course, but it was nice to know he shared the same want as you did.
âThatâs fine, I just need you inside me.â
The words shocked a groan out of him, and he nuzzled his head into the juncture of your neck.
You could feel his hands wrap around your legs to reposition you accordingly.
He slid out of the last piece of fabric covering him and reached down to position his head at your entrance.
It slipped at first from the wetness, but after a few tries the tip caught onto you, slipping inside halfway.
The pressure punched the air out of you, mouth falling open in an âoâ shape. Even with his preparation it was a tight fit.
Dex let out a noise somewhere between a whine and a moan, dipping down to capture your mouth in his, siphoning heat into your mouth.
The taste of yourself on his tongue only heightened the experience, and you could barely catch your breath between that and his slow ruts forward.
Every movement pushed him further into you, and before you knew it he was sheathed inside you fully.
You both shuddered at the feeling, and you were sure you could feel every ridge and vein of him in your walls.
âShit- you feel so good. I gotta pause for a sec.â He breathed against your mouth.
So you waited.
Until you didnât.
His head tipped forward with a groan as you squeezed around him. One of his hands held your hip in a vice grip, sure to leave bruises later.
âDonât do that.â His eyes flashed at you in warning.
You couldnât even focus on a teasing response, you only wanted him to move.
Then he did, starting in shallow thrusts into you, building into longer drags where he pulled almost fully out before snapping into you again.
He grabbed your wrist, planting the palm firmly over his throat and guiding it to squeeze.
You followed the instruction even as his hand fell away, tightening around the corded muscles of his neck.
His eyes fluttered, hips stuttering before speeding up into a faster pace.
His breaths panted against your face as he pounded into you with quick succession. The angle shifted slightly, and he flashed a sharp grin at me hearing your higher pitch.
He pinpointed that spot, hitting it over and over again, only pausing to slip your ankles over his shoulders before continuing.
You couldnât tell where you began and he ended, mind so blissed out. It was clear from your noises that you were reaching your peak again, and he slipped a hand down over your clit to accelerate it.
He didnât rub, just pressed down his thumb firmly over you as you tightened around his shaft again.
The feeling of your fluttering walls made him follow right across the edge with you, letting out a shuddering moan as he pumped a few more times and released inside you.
All the strength seemed to sap from him once he came, body falling onto you heavily. You could still tell he was holding himself up a bit on his forearms in order to not crush you completely and you pulled him down solidly to increase the weight.
His rapid heart rate beat in unison with yours where you were pressed to his chest, the slick feeling of sweat and other fluids clinging to your bodies as he softened within you.
The time stretched on as you both sat there in breathless blissfulness, neither one eager to move positions.
His face hadnât moved from where it sat nestled in your neck, warm breaths disturbing the strands of hair there. When he spoke, you felt it more than you heard it.
âYou okay?â It was spoken with an air of unsureness that was unlike him. Based on what heâd said before, you had an idea of what his worries were.
âThat was amazing.â And you werenât lying, the entire experience had knocked a bit of your soul out your body and you were certain thereâd be consequences of soreness the next day.
He made a humming noise, satisfied with the answer, and moved to lift off you.
A flare of panic lit up within you. Eventually, youâd have to go back to the real world, real responsibilities and concerns, but at the moment you didnât want the stretch of peace to end. âWait, not yet.â
He lowered himself back down immediately even though a frown creased his expression. âYou need to get cleaned up, it might feel worse later.â
âWell,â you let out a soft chuckle, rubbing a hand along his scared spine, âthatâs for later me to worry about. Just a bit longer.â
He didnât make much argument about it, settling his head back over your chest where he gave soft nips at your collarbone.
Despite relishing the peacefulness, there was something else nagging at your mind.
âHey Dex?â
He hummed out a response, still mapping you out with his mouth.
âWhat happened?â You didnât have to clarify, you knew he knew that you were referring to the event that caused him to show up in your room covered in blood.
A soft sigh, and he was leaning back to respond, âThe one who put a hit on you, he found out that I hadnât exactly,â he paused deliberating the words, âfollowed instructions. He sent a team to finish the job, and I made sure that didnât happen.â
âI wonât let anyone hurt you.â There was a burning in his eyes that showed the extent of violence he was capable of.
The idea of him choosing to not kill you even though heâd been ordered to do so, and fighting off anyone else who tried was⊠rousing to say the least.
His eyes tightened in a wince of overstimulation as you involuntarily tightened around him.
âItâs gonna be a bit longer for that.â He sounded like he detested that fact just as much as you did.
You grinned, âIâll be counting down the minutes,â you were going to continue with something teasing, but the look on his face stalled you.
The light from your open window casted a bluish tint over his face, contouring the edges of features softly. He fixed you with a searching gaze, like you were the only thing worth looking at.
âI meant what I said before,â You started, âitâs no going back for me either. Iâm with you.â
He traveled up to your face silently and your eyes fluttered closed in preparation. Instead of kissing you on the lips, his mouth pressed firmly over your forehead. The touch trailed down to press two consecutive pecks over your eyelids and finally melt against your mouth.
âIâm with you.â
You knew that no matter what was coming in your lives that you werenât afraid, fully willing to delve into the future with the person that knew you best.
Div by: @pixopix
AN: boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, I wrote this on company time. So if thereâs any typos or inconsistencies⊠sorry. Itâs minimally edited from my flow of consciousness. If anyone even reads this, lemme know what you think, is it good? Bad? Just meh? Lmk :D

