At War With Myself

Guys! I made a wedding cake! For an actual couple. Who are going to actually eat it. I made this. Like 85% myself.

It's been a very interesting day. I accidentally stayed up until 5am last night reading, (it's such a sad book about domestic violence if you want to know more about it message me!) so coming into work was hard because I'm so tired, but I played upbeat music on the drive in and was in a pretty good mood. It's been depleting since but I had a very interesting conversation. There is this dishwasher who sometimes comes into the pastry shop where I work and he greets me and asks me random questions about baking (sweet old man) and he did that today when I was starting to get to my bad spot for the night. He instantly began cracking jokes and then asking me about cheesecake. I answer his questions and he genuinely seemed so interested. I don't get that often. Most people I talk to about what I do are my family and they don't actually cake. They look at me like they are listening but I can tell they aren't. But this sweet old man was so fascinated and loved the answers. The fact his mood brightened by learning more about baking made my mood want to brighten. I've been surrounded by so much negative and disappointment lately that just this little bit of attention has shifted my mood drastically. Please remember this when you talk to people, you never know the kind of day they are having, always try and put a smile on their face. It could really make a difference.

Be more vocal when anyone talks to me. No one worded responses unless absolutely necessary. If anyone wants to do this with me, let me know how you do!

I want challenges from you guys, I want you to submit challenges to me, give me something to do for the week, whether it’s “say hi to a stranger” “invite someone to hang out” “call an old friend” or whatever. Anything dealing with social life. Preferably start small, my anxiety is too insane to start big. So! Get messaging to me and I’ll pick one every Sunday (I’ll do my own challenge this week, and pick one for next week)

Wake up, greet my mom, sit watch tv for like an hour, have lunch, watch more tv, get ready for work, drive to work, work, go home, watch more tv. I don't do anything, I don't have any friends, I only ever talk with my family or the few people I talk to at work. But we only talk because we see each other everyday. I would never hang out with these people outside of work, we are all far too different. In a way that I don't like. So. I'm going to start challenging myself every week to do something, it will be different every time, and slowly progress the difficulty. I want to challenge my anxiety, challenge my depression, and get out of this rut that I'm in. I'm a 20 year old virgin with no friends. All my friends I had were in college. A college that's 1500 miles away. They mostly all stopped talking to me. I guess my anxiety and depression was manageable while there but once I leave they don't want anything to do with me. I'm all pent up, I want a relationship of any kind! Friend or boyfriend. I mean, i would like to get laid at some point. Plus the only relationship I've been in was in my freshman year of high school. How lame am I? It only lasted a week and all we did was hold hands. I did more with a guy in a parking lot of a Mexican restaurant and all we did was kiss, no tongue was involved, just lips on lips. My life is so boring. I've been too focused on getting my career going and on living others lives through shows and books that I forgot to start living my own. It's time I take my life back. Challenges for the week will be posted seperate from my entries like this. This was so long because I've got so much pent up and needed to vent. I don't think these will be more than a paragraph or two at most. So! I want challenges from you guys, I want you to submit challenges to me, give me something to do for the week, whether it's "say hi to a stranger" "invite someone to hang out" "call an old friend" or whatever. Anything dealing with social life. Preferably start small, my anxiety is too insane to start big. So! Get messaging to me and I'll pick one every Sunday (I'll do my own challenge this week, and pick one for next week) <3