Diaries of Self Reflection

Just like the mighty tree, there is rebirth.

When the tree shed its leaves, its broken branches, its dead bark, it falls to the ground

The ground soaks up the dead limbs and feeds itself

the soil is fertile with new life

life emerges from death

life thrives from the atmosphere around it, until its time is over

 what if we were like the mighty tree?

Our dead limbs feed the earth for new life

Our soul is renewed in a new being

The new being is fertile with new life

Life emerges from death

Life thrives from the atmosphere around it, until its time is over.

 Life, death, and the in between

Who we are is what we are

We are one, living together all at once

Everything that’s happened, is happening all around

Everything to come is happening during the happened

Like a never ending horn torus, our energy continuously re-emerges

I first found this doing a guided mediation and in 5 minutes I was brought to tears. I think about how hard it is for me to let things go....a missed opportunity, a stressful fight, a secret I kept, guilty feelings, anger... the list goes on an on.

I was talking with my therapist last week and she asked me if anyone has ever fully seen the entire “me”. I thought about it and the answer is no. Many have seen many things, but no one knows everything. I can’t say I would want to change that either.

I have to say I’m embarrassed because I thought I could be introspective enough to know what I struggle with. Deep within I’ve found that my demons are just deeper than I thought they were. In the end, I’m just like everyone else, not willing to bring them up and too ashamed to even speak them out loud. It’s like I’m afraid to look at myself in the mirror because I can’t control or predict what I’ll see. My true feelings and thoughts are deeply hidden because I put the feelings of others first. I do and say things that will please the people. I avoid conflict because I’m afraid of what others will think of me.

Why do I do it? I don’t want to hurt anyone, but the consequence is hurting myself. White lies, unspoken words, unresolved feelings. These wounds have festered in various forms over the years. I’m only now reliving some of the memories of a decade ago. In retrospect I feel so stupid for some of the things I’ve done, but I also feel I wish I could have lived a little more. Felt more real, more fulfilled. I desperately held onto things that were not there and I avoided things I detested. This bred a new type of stress and worry for me. I am naturally a “worry wart” and holding these things in makes it harder for me to let things go… one of the things I struggle with now.

Despite looking back, I do feel I am more raw and honest today. I don’t consider myself to be an “ex liar” or anything, but I am mostly honest. I can’t say I don’t hold back and play out the situation to my advantage. Something I am not proud of, but I feel in life you have to do that sometimes.