A Journey

i recently talked about questioning your purpose, and the depth of your “submissiveness” or “slavehood”. When i finally started getting active within the community, and learning about Leather i encountered a level of intimidation that i never experienced before. i knew that slavehood was the core of me. It’s where i found my peace, my comfort, my happiness. But seeing all of these experienced slaves and submissives performing boot blacking, advanced domestic and grooming services, it made me question myself. i questioned my slavehood. Suddenly the place where i found my peace became dark and turbulent. i became depressed because i wasn’t like the slaves and submissives that i witnessed do this outstanding work. The ones the D-types praised and fawned over. i questioned whether or not i would find a Master, because when They asked ”What can you do?”, i felt like all i could do was pull lint out my pocket.

i questioned my purpose. i questioned how i could make my Master happy. i stressed over things that hadn’t even happened yet. In my mind this non-existent Master would look over me because i didn’t have any service skills. i mean i could clean, cook, and be sexual. Those things seemed to be at the bottom of the totem pole. i didn’t know how to shine and clean leather. i didn’t know how to do shit, or at least that’s what i thought in my mind. the depression i encountered was unreal. i felt lost. i didn’t have anyone to serve at the time so it made the experience even worse. i was tired of hearing “Serve yourself”. i got frustrated by that response because it reinforced the fact that i was alone in this battle i was having with myself. It seemed like nobody could give me a straight answer.

Finally, another s-type asked me, “What can YOU do?”. They told me write out everything that i’m good at, everything that i can do. It dawned on me that there ARE things that i can do. i have unique service skills that i can bring to the table. i started to feel better. they expressed to me that every Dominant or Master isn’t going to require the same service needs or requirements. The skills that one would need to possess will vary from Person to Person. After evaluating everything that i personally can do, i started to gain back my sense of purpose. my slavehood became peaceful again. The storm finally calmed. There was a silver lining. This blog is apart of my service. Hopefully it resonates with S/someone out there.

For the slaves and submissives who are still questioning their purpose. My only advice is, DON’T. you are unique because there isn’t another you. There won’t be another you. your purpose may not come to you overnight, but it will come. For now enjoy the space that you’re in. your purpose may not be tied to a D-type or a dynamic. You are special, and you are always worthy. 💙

Yes this was a play off the classic 1977 song by The Emotions. But this is about the pitfalls of vetting and not asking around. This is just from my perspective.

So we are going to talk about what led me to Houston. 2016 i was still living in Baltimore, had a pretty decent job working in the Ortho department at the local hospital. Great roommates, social life was pretty decent. Although i had dabbled into BDSM and kink, i didn’t really know the ins and outs how to pursue a dynamic, vetting, NWR’s(needs, wants, and requirements). NONE OF THAT! So a friend introduced me to Fetlife, and of course i’m fresh meat. D-types swarm in from everywhere. One caught my eye. For the sake of privacy we’ll call him Sir NoGood. So Sir NoGood hits me up on fet. He catches my eye instantly. Somewhat tall, early 40’s, nice body, bald head, seemed like he had everything in order. Sir NoGood already had another sub as well. And now that i look back on it, she was just as wet behind the ears as I was. We all hit it off instantly. Nightly phone calls, wishing how we could all meet. i already had it made up in my mind that he was gonna be Daddy and she was my new sister. So about a month into this new found relationship. Sir NoGood says he wants me to come visit him in Houston for his birthday in October. Finally the moment i had been waiting for. So i book my ticket there, and he agreed to buy my ticket returning back to Baltimore.

Things took a turn for the worst. My job did dept cuts and i was on the chopping block. So i lost my job. i explain everything to Sir NoGood, and he says “Move to Houston. What do you have to lose?” So a round trip ticket turns into a one way ticket. October comes around and i’m out. i arrived at the airport and he was late picking me up. Sir NoGood arrives and my whole world lights up!! My daddy is here.

Things went fairly well for the first month or so, my sub sister moved in and an additional one was added to the house as well. Might i mention how we all came to live under the same roof was a bit dysfunctional in itself. I didn’t care though, I had my sisters. Things started to decline drastically around month 2. i was the only one working, Sir NoGood could not find employment. The fabric of my cozy dynamic started to unravel quickly. i realized i made a grave mistake. His mental instability started to show, he eventually turned all of us against each other. There was abuse, mental, physical, and emotional. Due to me being so vocal, i was treated the worst out of the three of us. i couldn’t sleep in the bed anymore. i was made to sleep downstairs on the couch. He commanded that my two sisters could not speak to me. Eventually i got the balls to leave that house and never look back.

i say all this to say that, even though vetting may seem simple, take this step extremely seriously. Had i known how to properly vet i could have saved myself the heartache. Ask around. Ask any and everyone that you can about the person you’re wanting to pursue. Make your intentions known. Lay out everything it is that you want. Remember that during the vetting phase, you’re only getting to know the person. Please look out for red flags (inconsistency, lies, etc). It’s not easy but, ask the hard questions too. How are they financially? Do they have any mental illnesses? Do they have a job? Do they have any criminal charges? Ask all the questions that are needed to make you feel comfortable and confident about pursuing this person, regardless of what side of the slash you’re on. If you inform them that you’re asking other people about them, and they become defensive. Take that as a sign. Transparency is a must.

Even if you vet and do your part, things can always go askew. i am a firm believer in time reveals all. Take your time during the vetting phase. Patience is truly a virtue during this critical time.

Things could have gone far worse in my situation. Absolutely anything could have happened to me. i’ve grown from this situation, i became smarter and a bit wiser because of it.

Single as a Pringle...solo solo...the lone slave...1 is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know. Point is im the only one out of my close group of friends who isn’t attached, or in a dynamic of some compacity.

I’ve heard everything from “wait”, to “Why would you want to be in a dynamic anyway? You don’t have to be owned”. It’s lonely in these s-type streets, especially when you see everyone around you living it up with there partners and what not. i listen to their stories of how they met, and slow points that they’ve encountered together. i smile and say “aww”, but deep down a part of me becomes sad because i don’t have MINE yet.

At first i found it difficult to sort through these emotions. i questioned everything about me, wondering why i was being overlooked. i mean i’m cute, smart, can hold my own, a nasty lil thing for the right one, i provide excellent service and all that good stuff. Yet still, i was alone. i started to act wreckless. Nobody was checking for me, so fuck this shit right? i realized my shitty attitude was causing me to lose friendships and relationships that i built with others. i became toxic to myself. Always angry or upset about something. i had to stop and check myself. (Self accountability is a mf right?) it’s never fun, nor is it easy. i got back to the basics. Taking into account things that i already learned. Honing things that I knew i needed to work on to be better. i mapped out my “needs, wants, and requirements”, and a lot of things finally came into focus. The ones that i had my eye on did not match up to what i needed, wanted, or required. i was on a fast track to failed dynamic #3.

Although a dynamic and being apart of a house is my end goal. i can not want these things out of desperation. i cannot want these things so bad that i lose sight of who i am. Being solo is teaching me to be patient with myself, to love on myself just a little harder.

Nothing great will ever come quick and easy. If i can’t be patient with myself, then how can i have the patience for a dynamic?

The age old question always comes up in topics of BDSM and kink...”How did you know you were a submissive/slave?” And I’ve always given the same answer, “I’ve been submissive all my life”. But it never really answered the question, or gave an in depth look into why I’ve always been a submissive.

I’ve been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember. Always doing, never saying “no” always saying “yes”. Everyone was always taken care of even if it hurt me in the long run. I made the mistake of taking that same mindset into my BDSM and kink life, thinking that it would propel me into the stratosphere. When all it actually did was land me flat on my ass lost, confused, and with two failed dynamics under my belt and a host of other issues. Why were these relationships going to shit, why didn’t I feel fulfilled giving myself to others?

It wasn’t until a year ago or so that I was posed with the question “Yes, you’re a submissive/slave BUT what is your submission based on? What drives you to submit?” It clicked, that I had no idea what i was out here doing. Freely giving myself to those who could not pour back into me. Freely giving myself when I had no more left to give. I was doing it all wrong. I didn’t have standards for my submission or for myself. I didn’t know why I did what I did.

The answers didn’t come overnight. It took time, it took patience( which I lack on a grand scale), I cried, and a few times I became angry with myself. Eventually I came to the conclusion that my submission is based on love. Love for myself first and foremost, love those that I cared about, and love for the community that has embraced me. I can’t expect myself to fully submit if I can’t submit to myself. I can’t expect myself to submit if I do not love myself. Learning to love myself has changed how chose to submit to others, taught me to be a better slave. Learning to love myself has allowed me to provide a greater level of service to those around me.

Learning to love me has allowed me to be free.

So a topic of broken people arose today. As for someone who is battling with their mental illnesses, the word “broken” is touchy. For a long time I’ve felt that way about myself. Broken...that item that’s pushed way to the back because no one wants to buy it. Pieces missing. The unwanted item that’s been on clearance since forever. Often times I’ve felt that I was undesirable because I’ve been overlooked so much. I’ve spent nights wondering why? Stressing about things that I could not control, and not focusing on the things that I could. Mind is constantly in shambles.

I would fight so hard to get people to see what I was worth, knowing deep down I wasn’t even buying the shit i was selling. Most saw through it and walked by. Some played into it and quickly caught buyers remorse.

I sat feeling unlovable, abandoned, and hopeless. Days and nights were always dark because I lost sight of the light.

Broken people don’t deserve someone until they can fix themselves? Why is that so? Why do the seemingly “whole” people get to dictate what I deserve? But in reality I’ve been feeding myself the same narrative the whole time. Fought so hard trying to fix myself so another person could want me. Instead of fixing me for me.

We all want someone to love us, in our brightest and our darkest moments. We all want someone to take that walk with us to find those pieces we left behind somewhere. Sometimes we may lean a little too much on the person holding our hand. We mean no harm. I promise.

We just want to love and be loved like the cool kids. 💜

How many times have you tried to vent to someone only for them to say “Oh you shouldn’t feel like that, someone has it way worse.” Or “You’re just overreacting , it’s not a big deal”. Or they try to compare their problems to yours. I had another meltdown today. (2days in a row now) But 3 awesome pep talks happened today. Each one dealing with my emotions at the time. Sadness, defeat, and anger/frustration. But the last pep talk put everything into perspective. “Things could be worse. But these are your emotions. Feel how you feel for the moment and keep it moving, it could always be worse. In a sense she was telling me to suck the shit up..but to still have my moment. You’re allowed to feel how you feel.

It put everything else into perspective. Outside of the occasional laugh from Instagram and Facebook posts, I genuinely smiled. My emotions are something that I always have trouble controlling. I’m 28 and I still throw an occasional tantrum and cry like I lost my best friend. My feelings are intense, and channeling them can be a task that I’m usually too mentally exhausted to take on. Processing my emotions is just as hard. Especially with trying to make sense of everything that’s going on around me. Shit gets overwhelming real quick. With the changes that have come about yesterday..I’m still going through my 5 stages of grief. Processing everything that I’ve felt in the past 24 hrs has proven to be a lot harder than I thought. Today I’ve been sad, depressed, angry, frustrated, defeated, along with a myriad of other emotions. Right now I’m calm...calm enough to write this post. Calm enough get through the rest of my shift at work. Calm enough to know that i will be ok in the end. Calm enough to smile, and be thankful for the 3 that spoke some life into me today.

its the inevitable...a part of life. Whether we like it or not, change will happen. We can plan it or it can just smack us in the face like a ton of bricks. But it’s all in how we handle it....right?

Change can go either way for me. I’ll accept it and adapt rather quickly or I’ll go through the 5 stages of grief. As a water sign I “should” adjust to change rather fluid like. I think my anxiety plays a part. My brain goes haywire, I over think and think of the worst possible scenarios. Fear takes over and all hell breaks loose. There are those rare moments when I can go with the flow. Today was a monumental moment of change and not in a good way. Panic took over faster than I could process what happened. After crying and having a pep talk I tackled it head first. “Change is all about how you adapt”

How do we deal in those moments where pep talks don’t work? Our world seems like it’s ending, and everything closes in. What do we do?

The mere thought of growing out of our safe place and comfort zones is scary as shit. Shifting and changing in ways that we didn’t think we could move. Hurting, scared, and anxious. Growth brings upon moments of self doubt...wondering if it’s worth it. Not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Things being in reach but still far away.

Buttt.....if you could would you allow someone else to assist in your growth. Breaking you down just to build you back up? Trusting another human to see you and safe guard in your most vulnerable and darkest moments. Pushing you past any limitations you have set for yourself out of fear and self doubt. Would you give someone authority over your well being? A living breathing guardian angel. Saving you from yourself. But helping you find yourself at the same time.

How much would we be willing to change if we had that in our lives? Would it make the process easier knowing that you weren’t alone. Would you allow someone to “get you right?”

“Don’t know what I’m doing but it feels right”

it’s a void...a blank empty dark space. No sound. It’s safe here. But then I blink, and there are I am screaming into a crowd of people. No one notices, no one hears me. People walking past me and through me. Why can’t anyone notice me?

I meander through my daily life unseen. Undesired, or atleast that’s how I feel...

It’s 1:50am central..and almost a year later I’m starting up my blog again...

It’s been a long ride up to this point. It’s been dark and gloomy, with bits of light here and there. Some people have left my life for good, and some have entered and left a permanent mark on my soul. Still haven’t spoken to my mother (scroll down for the story). I don’t think too much has changed, and honestly I haven’t sat down long enough to even figure out what HAS changed....I’m still battling my mental health...no suicide attempts (yay me!) but I’ve been in my sunken place more times than I’d like to admit. It’s seemed to be my safe space. I’ve been quite sadistic with my thoughts and my emotions..forcing myself to feel bad. Sometimes the hurt feels good. Self inflicted emotional pain....sadomasochist maybe?....anywho I’ll try to update once a week...anywho...thanks for reading

♥️Jess.

Here we are again. These last few weeks have been an EMOTIONAL roller coaster. I’ve found myself binge eating...sleeping more than usual...lost interest in just about everything that keeps me sane except eating and sleeping. Today and tonight were anything but great. Picking my clothes out for work and I had a nervous breakdown, and the same thing happened again tonight ANOTHER nervous breakdown. Days like this I crave to be a normal person. Somehow being able to function and float my way through life. But things aren’t that easy. I feel like I’m alone. Like I’m the only person on this earth that is feeling the way that I do. Even though I know that I’m not the only one, my mind leads me to believe that I am. Literally every aspect of my life is stressing me. I need a break from life. I feel like my meds aren’t working like they used to. I’m having to work harder at holding it together while I’m at work, so much that when I come I collapse because I’m exhausted. My mood swings have been more frequent. My depression seems to have dipped lower..along the lines of low functioning depression..but my anxiety is so bad that I’m literally scared to talk to anyone about the way I’m feeling. (Trust me this blog only skims the surface). Things seem so far out of reach now, every goal, dream, desire feels unattainable. I’m running but still not reaching that light at the end of the tunnel. My life seems like one big storm with no break in the clouds in the foreseeable future.