kyoto

i am a temporary placeholder, a listener to unnoticed strangers who have things to say, a friend to those who consider me as anyone. I am here now, known as the person who’s weirdly enough always around. i have a tendency to see the best in those who’ve hurt me, because they too have been in pain and i know i’m in no position of viewing myself as their hero, there knight in shining armour, their hand to hold onto, but saving others has been the only thing that distracted me from helping the one who needs saviour the most, because it is only I whom I will never be capable of helping.

oh mother i’m so depressed and you’re not listening and honestly this hard floor i’m sleeping on feels much softer than the way he held me

they keep saying i’m your loss, but as things seem right now, you don’t look like you care - meanwhile i’ve made it my habit to complain to the sea about your absence, i’ve gotten closer to god because he’s the only one who wouldn’t tell me that i’m better off without you; my mom asks me about you still and i don’t know how to explain to her that you’re just a part of my history.

my friends are getting tired of hearing me speak of you - you’re a nostalgic melody caught in my mind and i can’t seem to make out the lines. you’re a honey sweet lie through and through and i’m a dedicated believer, head over heels in love with you and i am so aware of the hardship that this brings but for you i’d risk anything; for you i’d hide in the darkest forests for a lifetime if my absence granted me your satisfaction. just stay with me and i’ll take care of everything else.

to be a young little girl once again; to tend to my father’s embrace when i’m feeling unwell and wearing red dresses and having my hair done by my mother as i impatiently sit in her lap - getting a feel of how things used to be -and being constantly reminded that i’m still my father’s favourite girl and my mother’s greatest blessing. it all goes back to first days at school and drawing away my solitude. i recall memories of celebrating birthdays with my family and dancing until my feet are hurting. the cold winter nights of me falling asleep in the back of the car and my father calling for me to wake up - just for him to eventually carry me inside. the days where my biggest burden was not being allowed to go outside. i miss being young and free; i can’t recall the day i gave up on being happy. (24th jan 9:55pm)

i spoke to god about you; he was very well aware of my admiration for his creation - i’d stay up until it’s too late to sleep, talking to him about you and me. no one knew how much i loved you but him - no one knew how many tears i’ve wasted over you but him. you’ve become the center of my attention; the bane of my wisdom. i had turned you into my sun; no one was as beautiful as you; no one as blinding as you. despite my growing resentment for the circumstances that you left me in, i don’t regret that it had to end. i was desperately trying to rebuild a connection with someone who refused to treat me with the slightest bit of consideration and i’ve come to notice that running after you is like chasing the clouds for it is a never-ending torture. but isn’t this pain the core of love? to be so passionate, it devours you from within? your only comfort being the one who is capable of both adding onto your agony, as well as liberating you from it? 10:07pm 24th january