you painted me golden

her thoughts run rampant with an influx of vivid imagery of what else she'd like caleb to beg for, most of them involving some sort of flexibility whether it be with her limbs or her mouth. but she decides not to reveal just how touch-starved she is, especially when she now knows how long it's been for him. she doesn't want to overwhelm him or make him think he needs to match her speed. "i can think of a few other things..." a telling pause follows her response, tongue delving out to skim along the lower rim of her lip, a subconscious gesture. it never really dawned on her that she'd been following a pattern with her one night stands, but his words offer food for thought, making her reflect on how things tend to go when she does this. although it's hard to group caleb into the same vein when she's taken a fair few liberties with him. "do i?" she asks, tipping her head to the side, gaze flickering up at his questioningly. "i feel like i've been playing it by ear with you mostly."

a flush reddens his cheeks at the suggestion in her tone, although a part of him wonders if he should have seen it coming with how effortlessly caroline seems to seduce. or maybe he's just hopelessly attracted to her. irregardless, it feels impossible that he'd still have the energy for anything more, but there's no denying the way heat creeps through his system at the flick of her tongue. "maybe we can find a few more." his gaze flickers back up to her before he can take the thought further, teeth sinking into his lip as he contemplates his answer. maybe he's read her wrong, her hesitation after they'd kissed - like the intensity behind it had taken her aback and been too much to bear, how she'd suspected he wouldn't want to stay after and couldn't quite bear to ask him if he wanted to. "i guess i would if i did this more often." he admits, tone soft, not wanting to place undue judgment on her. "it's felt like... we're both going against what we typically do." maybe it's not an accurate reflection of her, but it's nothing short of the truth for him - this night turning into more than he'd ever expected when he'd first swiped right on her profile.

an innocent pout forms upon the curve of her lips, mustering every bit of self-control not to give away her amusement at his words. "i don't know know what you mean," she feigns oblivion, head shaking, even as her mouth twitches. "but i like it when you beg." she nestles even closer to him, letting the sheet fall from her back so she can feel him against her, skin to skin. post-grad... the timeline doesn't register, at least not fully, until she gives it a little more thought. she'd been too comfortable, laying in his arms, for her to understand just how long it'd been for caleb. because that meant he hadn't been sleeping with anyone in a short-term capacity since his relationship with his son's mother. and who knows how long it's been since then? the disclosure is given with more weight and consideration than what his tone suggests; it's not lost on her that he's trusting her with this information. but it still scares her, even if she's trying to be open to this, to him. "i'm sure this looks different for everyone... there's no set etiquette, i don't think." her voice drops off, unsure of what else to say, even though more questions lie on the tip of her tongue.

there were days he'd wondered if tragedy would twine it's way around every relationship he touched after ava, if her memory would haunt any attempts at finding someone new. but instead of confirming his fears, caroline feels heaven-sent, a reminder of how easy it could be to fall for someone, how much he'd missed having someone to hold, to tease, to come joke with. all the little things that made up a life together, even if he has to remind himself that she's not looking for any of that. an amused hum leaves his lips, too caught up in how endearing caroline looks to fight back, especially when she nestles into him further - like she can't bear to be without his touch. "mhm, was that the only thing you liked?" he's too content to be guarded, the high of two orgasms still buzzing within him, leaving him barely cognizant enough not to spill every errant thought that's run through his head. "that's probably true. but it seems like you... have a pretty set way of doing it yourself." caleb hopes he doesn't sound judgmental, just curious - wanting to know more about what or maybe even why caroline has stuck to her own routine, even if he doubts that she'd answer him if he asked outright. he's not certain, but something in the way her voice fades out makes him think that there's more on her mind too, a curiosity brimming underneath the surface that mirrors his own.

her gaze lingers on him, studying the uncertainty she can see settling across his features. she'd known this would happen the second she asked. nicolas has always been capable of thinking three steps ahead, considering every consequence before it arrives, and she's doing the exact same thing now. this isn't merely a question of logistics and convenience anymore. it isn't about an extra set of hands when she's exhausted, or someone to help assemble a crib and attend doctor's appointments. it's proximity - a shared space and familiar routines, months spent existing in each other's orbit again after painstakingly teaching themselves how not to. she understands why he's hesitating. the truth is, she should probably be hesitating too. instead, all she can think about is how exhausted she is by the prospect of continuing to keep him at arm's length. "of course it'll complicate things," she replies, voice matter-of-fact. "i don't think there's a version of this that isn't complicated anymore." not after this, when every conversation about the future somehow circles back to a life they had once expected to share. she lowers herself onto the arm of the couch, fingers twining together in her lap as she looks up at him. "if i wanted the simplest solution, i would've called my sister. or hired someone and saved both of us the discomfort. but i called you." a faint smile threatens to appear before disappearing just as quickly. the admission hovers in the air, and suddenly she's realizing how much truth exists in it - because she had called him, before the doctors, before her sister. before anyone. "i know spending months under the same roof again could undo a lot of the progress we've made," she continues. "maybe all of it." progress... what an odd word for it. as though learning how to live without someone you've loved for most of your adult life is something worth celebrating. she had managed it, to an extent. she'd stopped reaching for her phone every time something happened at work or expecting to hear his keys in the front door - but none of those victories feel particularly meaningful now. "i don't want a stranger here when this baby comes home. and i certainly don't want us acting as though we're two people connected by paperwork and visitation schedules when that's never what we've been to each other." her throat tightens ever so slightly around the words. "maybe i'm asking for too much... but every time i picture those first few months, you're there, nico." finally, her eyes lift up to find his once more, earnestness radiating from the brown of her hues. "i haven't been able to picture it any other way."

he feels old, in a way that hadn't crept up on him until recently, but maybe that was part mid-life crisis and part divorce. too grown-up of issues to confront when he'd been in his thirties. if he's honest about what he wants he knows he'd be setting himself up for heartbreak - because he doesn't just want those first couple of months, he wants their family back, complete with the little addition growing inside theodora ( or truthfully, even without them if life decides to deal them another devastating blow. ) for a while there he'd thought he'd been doing alright, too busy with work to truly catch up to missing her - and each time the feeling had crept up he'd added on another shift until his coworkers had insisted he take a break and catch up on sleep. it hadn't come, not easily at least - too used to sharing a bed, too used to coming home to her, too caught up in what he might've done differently to not lead them down this path. there's a flicker of everything he'd been missing in her smile, even if it's tentative instead of unbridled, disappearing just as quickly as it'd come as if it'd never been there in he first place. he can hear it, the slight catch in her voice - as if there's some shared link between them that's making this just as hard on theodora as it is on him. "you're not..." he's quick to interject - pausing slightly to let her finish her thought, heart aching at the earnestness in her tone. they're both analytical, maybe to a fault - minds always a couple steps ahead, more often in-synch than not. it was what made the fall out as devastating as it had been, because nicolas knows they both saw the breaking points, had both done their best to fill in the gaps, until nothing had been quite enough anymore. logically, he knows that this might not be the wisest choice - but it feels right, and maybe somewhere along the line they'd forgotten to rely on that as much as when they'd first fallen in love. "you're not asking for too much, i mean. i wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here. hell, i'd be here for it all if you want." he can't quite hold back on the words even if they're not wise. he knows that she's likely to oppose the idea that he'd prefer it if there was no time-frame attached to it, that whatever vague notion a couple months might mean can be extended, but he has to offer it all the same. "you're right - everything will change irregardless of what we do or don't do and become more complicated... but this," he gestures between them, gaze falling on the still flat form of her stomach before coming back up to meet hers. "this is more important. you're still my family, thee." the words hang heavy, a truth uttered that he knows will be true even when their divorce finalizes, too much history between them to erase, too much love once held to ever fade completely.

laughter trickles past her lips, though she shouldn't be that surprised that he'd want to invoke more orgasms from her. it's all too apparent that he's a giver, a marked trait she'd caught onto early. "you've already made such a mess of me..." her voice trails off, an amused edge to her tone as she leans even further into his touch, savoring the heat of his body and how it radiates against her own bare skin. "me?" she huffs out, looking at him with an accusatory expression etched on her face. "who's the one who was practically pleading for them to fuck me?" giving him a little nudge with her elbow, she can't help but tease him when he's giving her every opportunity to. although she's conveniently forgetting that she'd been the one to lead him to this in the first place. she's better at communicating with her touch rather than with her words. hoping she hasn't pried into an area that he's not keen on sharing, she's about to retract the question, change the subject and move on. but he confesses to what she had somewhat guessed at, though she hadn't wanted to assume. "no, not obvious, per se - but i figured since you don't do this often, it might've been a while." it's hard not to wonder if it had been a few months, a year, or even longer. she hopes she was able to satiate him, his comment about being worn out pointing to it, but still. it's soothing, laying in his arms, the gentle stroke of his hands in her hair, and she could sleep just like this.

his lips purse in a hum of consideration, a mess isn't exactly what he would use to describe her, even within the throes of orgasm she'd been beautiful. undone, hair disheveled and lips kiss-bitten, maybe - but in a way that still managed to take his breath away. still, maybe it's more a feeling - the same way she'd left him untethered, careful control slipping as he'd descended into the pleasure she'd brought him until he'd felt like someone else altogether. because the man lying beside her is certainly not the same one who'd stepped into the bar. "i wouldn't say that." a spark of amusement runs through him, endeared by the way she so easily shifts the blame onto him - even though there's no bite to her tone, nothing that would leave him thinking that she's doing anything aside tease. "who's the one who climbed into my lap while demonstrating yoga? what was i supposed to do? not beg?" but while his grin comes easily, there's a guilty edge to his thoughts, even if he hadn't lied - it still feels like he's being dishonest by not sharing just how long it's been. likely whatever caroline is thinking is a few months, maybe a year - not that this is the first time he's slept with someone since his wife passed. "it's... definitely the first time i've attempted a fling - at least since god... it must've been post-grad? so you'll have to forgive me for not knowing the etiquette." it's as honest as he'll allow himself to be, a fine line between skirting the truth and giving caroline the full run down of the way trauma had lingered after ava's passing. he's tempted to ask how long it's been for caroline, but a part of him doesn't want to know. the picture of some other man in his stead one that's unappealing, especially when he's got her tucked into his embrace. soft and warm, like something he can hold onto for longer than the night will allow.

her gaze turns pointed as she faces him, voice teasing, "you managed to make me come twice. that counts for something." the way his arms twine around her makes her feel protected, warmth surging through her, and she lets herself relish it, instead of pulling away like she's wired to. it's easy to forget about her boundaries around him - he makes it easy, too much so. a smile blooms at his compliment, prouder than she'd like to admit that she made an impact with her skills in the bedroom. "oh? i think i got that from when you didn't even ask before you came inside of me." she grins up at him, making sure he knows she doesn't mind, even if it was an act of intimacy she wasn't prepared for. he was caught up in the heat of the moment, as was she, and she knows it wasn't intentional, that he would've made sure she was okay with it if he hadn't been so physically overwhelmed. her fingers trace along his upper thighs, and she can hear the soft thrum of his heartbeat against her ear, the quiet of midnight adding a layer of coziness around them. "had it been... a while?" the question is obvious, hinting at if he hadn't been with someone for a long time. she doesn't mean to pry, but she's curious all the same.

there's a feeling that washes over him as she tucks herself into his side, a sense of belonging, like he could stay here in this moment forevermore. maybe the smart thing would have been to leave, but he can't help but think that this was the right choice, even if he will only be able to hold onto it for a moment and nothing more. "is that not normal? i was aiming for more." but in between the feeling of being inside her and the noises that had fallen from her lips, he'd been distracted, his attention focused on not coming undone too quickly and draw out the pleasure for both of them. a flush creeps up his neck at her words, he hadn't known - still doesn't truly, if caroline was on birth control, if she was the type to forget a day or two, and although he trusts her when she'd claimed it was fine, it was still reckless that he'd forgotten about protection. god knows that as much as he wants to give oli a sibling someday, this is not the right time for it. it's a miracle that there's no bite in her tone, simply a teasing lilt that's almost amusing, enough so to stop him from taking her words entirely seriously as his eyebrow raises at caroline, "you're a bit of a minx, do you know that?" the skim of her fingers against his skin is distracting, eyes drifting closed as his own run through her hair, trying to memorize the soft intimacy between them that feels entirely removed from the passion they'd shared earlier, but just as instinctive. her question gives him pause - undecided in how much he should share with her. it's part embarrassment, part worry that it'll scare her off if he admits just how long it's been, that she's the first date he's had who's left him feeling like he wants this. instead he answers with a question of his own, hoping it'll stray the conversation away from the exact length of time it'd been. "...was it that obvious?"

the pause after her acquiesce that he stay the night is tell-tale, and she wonders if he's thinking along the same lines - that they should call it before things get too deep. it shouldn't bother her, but she also wonders if he's done this before. and if he has, does he always stay until the sun rises? does he call every woman sweetheart when he's inside of them? something prickles against the back of her neck at the very thought, but she forces it out of her mind, the possessiveness she has no right to feel. she could hardly call herself a saint, and though it's been a little over a month since she's slept with another, she's sure this is a more frequent occurrence in her life than it is in his. a shadow of a smirk forms upon the curves of her lips at his remark, her eyes glinting with amusement as she quips back, "you tired me out just as much." she inches a little closer now, allowing that spark of familiarity to ease back into their dynamic. "in the best way possible." how is it that mere moments ago their bodies had become one, intertwined fully, but they still barely know one another? she twists her body around, gently situating herself against him, leaning her back upon his chest.

like sunlight breaking across a cloudy day, he can feel the shift as her lips tilt up in a smile - radiant, lighting up the room until there's barely a glimmer of the discomfort that had passed across her features just moments ago. it surprises him how easily they slip back into something that makes sense, no hesitation lost between them. "is that right?" although he doesn't think now is the time to admit to it, it stokes his ego all the same. erasing the doubts about if he'd be able to be a good lover, if he even had the stamina to keep up with someone like her, so vivacious and full of life, and clearly more knowledgable about the intricacies of flings than he'd ever been. but for the moment, she's his, both the faint marks on her skin and the way she's clambering into his lap appeasing the part of himself that's unwilling to let her go. "you were incredible - i know i might have said that earlier, but it wasn't just in the heat of the moment." as if to add onto the statement, his arms wind around caroline, tugging her closer, a flutter of relief settling in his chest at the feeling of her skin brushing against his. at knowing that he hasn't lost her yet. he'll have to grapple with it eventually, the hold she already has on him, but for the moment he wants to linger in the feeling of contentment in a way he hadn't been able to when she'd scurried to the bathroom.

a small smile flickers across her face in spite of herself when caleb talks about his son. it's strange since she's never seriously considered having children of her own; she's content to be a teacher and nurture the kids in her classroom, and let that be the extent of it. there's an invisible wall between them, their differences now all too clear without the haze of desire blurring them. what had she been thinking, letting someone like caleb into her bed when she could tell from the get-go that flings didn't come naturally to him, that this was totally out of his comfort zone. she should have known better. this would only inevitably lead to complications, emotions she had striven to avoid, all the things she thought she could escape. but against her will, she feels a gravitational pull to him that can't be explained with words. even now, she can read the expression on his face, the reply that falls from his lips failing to mirror his true feelings. it's not wise to lead him on; better to bring this to a halt before it spins out of control. but her heart's telling her otherwise, that it wouldn't hurt to have him stay one night - he'll be gone in the morning just like all the others who've laid in her bed. "i mean... you don't have to." her voice is soft, blue hues drifting over his features, as she gathers the bedsheet in her hands, wrapping it around her frame. "you can stay, if you want to."

he'd been prepared to grab his things and leave, steeled himself against the inevitable walk home alone - with the hope of everything they might have been able to become tucked within his heart. it's not a plea for him to stay, her words far too fragile for that - barely loud enough for him to pick up. instead they're hesitant and laced with a doubt that leaves him grappling with the choice between staying and leaving. he wishes it could be as simple as staying yes, and although his heart is tugging him in one sharp direction, there's a worry that he'll be overstepping caroline's boundaries when he knows that his intentions have moved far past this only being a fling. that somewhere between that first kiss and the way she'd dismantled all his apprehension towards being intimate with someone again, feelings had sprouted in his chest, barely enough to quantify - not something he was willing to put a name on, but ones he knew would keep on growing the more time he spent in her company. still, he can't bring himself to leave, not when she's sitting there, bedsheet tucked around her frame, expression vulnerable and exposed - in a way he wonders if anyone else has had a chance to see. "i mean... your bed is very comfortable." he finally utters, trying to keep his own emotions under wrap even as a slight smile flickers over his features, "and you've definitely worn me out."

she should've known from the very start that he'd be the type of person who wanted to stay the night, maybe even make her breakfast in bed. someone who invested themselves in every part of their life. her first mistake was taking him for his word when he said he could do this, keep things simple and not expect more. already, he's expecting more, to prolong the encounter to sunrise, extending this from a one-night stand to something else. her instinct is to turn him down, make up an excuse - that she has an early meeting tomorrow and can't have someone distract her from her morning routine. it's the weekend, so she doesn't have classes, and neither does she have any plans in the morning. she likes to sleep in on her days off, to take her time and do all the things she doesn't have time for during the week: tending her garden, playing the piano, painting, biking to the beach and having a picnic on the sand. but the idea of waking up in his arms isn't one she's entirely opposed to. in fact, she's sure being curled up in caleb's embrace would be more comfortable than anything. "i- i don't know if that's a good idea." teeth nip at her lower lip, eyeing him uncertainly. "what about your son?" she assumes he has someone looking after his child, but she doesn't want to take any time away either.

the apprehension sweeping over caroline's features isn't hard to miss, and he can't blame her. not when she'd been clear about what she wanted from this date - both in her profile and before they'd found their way into her bedroom. it'd been foolish to assume that maybe things would change - that the spark of connection that only seemed to grow stronger would be enough to make her take a chance on something different. truthfully, the intensity of desire, of want for more had scared him too. he'd gone into this hoping for a stepping point, to see what intimacy with someone else would be like again, not find a person whom he could picture a lazy sunday morning with. "he's with my parents. spoiled rotten - but hopefully asleep by now." it's likely not the way out caroline was hoping for, and while caleb didn't love leaving oli alone - he knows his parents are thrilled about the chance to watch him for longer than an afternoon. still, he wonders if caroline's uncertainty is a sign to pull away. not push for something she's clearly not ready for. truth be told, he's not certain if he is either, while the waves of grief that had lingered over the years have receded into merely a phantom of what they once were, maybe he's not ready for anything more. especially not when he couldn't even go one date without picturing a future with the first person he'd felt a connection with in years. so he swallows the instinct to persuade her to follow this through, even though it leaves a heavy weight in his stomach at the idea that maybe he won't find someone like her again and he's foolish for letting the opportunity slip through his fingers. "you're probably right. i can go too."

the concern in his voice only makes it worse. she's perfected the art of leaving before things turned messy, keeping every connection confined to boundaries that neither party expected to cross, and yet she's managed to bulldoze straight through each and every one of them within a single evening. it's not the sex that unnerves her. not even the lack of protection, not really. somewhere along the line she's forgotten to look at this like a short-term encounter, letting herself enjoy being wanted by him specifically. her gaze is fixed on the edge of the mattress rather than meeting his immediately, fingers twisting together as she tries to organize thoughts that feel increasingly impossible to sort through. "no, it's not that," she answers, her voice quiet. seeing caleb sitting there, prepared to leave simply because she might want him to, sends an unexpected pang through her. "you don't need to get me anything. i'm fine." the words come too quickly, and she hates how hollow they sound. "i just..." her voice falters, unsure of what to say, of how much to divulge. the truth is that most nights like this end before there's any opportunity to feel exposed. there aren't any conversations afterward, leaving no room for disappointment waiting around the corner. "people don't usually stay over."

the words roll off her lips like a lie, and he might never know if they are. it bothers him more than it should, that he doesn't know caroline well enough to be able to distinguish the truth. maybe all there is to it is the dredges of hope that he's clung to all evening, as it had become clearer that she might end up haunting him - the idea of her, the potential of what their chemistry might have led to. even if he's not certain that he himself is ready for the feelings that had been creeping their way to the surface based on how reckless and careless the touch of her alone had left him. he's not well-versed in one-night stands, doesn't know the rules or expectations of them. he'd supposed some people had stayed put until the early morning hours and done the inevitable walk of shame - not that shame was something he'd associate with their night together, and a part of him had hoped she'd at least let him stay for breakfast - both a round in bed and a proper meal. although that may be pushing his luck - but if this night had taught him anything, it was that he was less risk-averse with his heart than he'd thought, or maybe it was just caroline who brought it out of him. "i could." his gaze settles on hers, more steady than the nervous pitter-patter of his heart. "i'm... by no means an expert on how these things are supposed to go, but i was... hoping i might."

aftershocks run through him - waves of pleasure mingling with a contented exhaustion, mind numb and blissed out in a way that leaves him wanting to laze in the moment, curl up against caroline like a cat basking in the sun. it takes him a moment to realize that caroline's not just rearranging herself as she rolls away, already half-way to the bathroom when his ears catch up with what she's saying. there's an instinct to go after her, be the one who wipes away his mess, but the hold on that falls from his lips isn't hurried enough, the door already sliding closed before the first word is fully uttered. if this was anything aside from a first date, he might have followed after her, but without knowing if he'd be intruding he's left with only his thoughts for company. which storm into more turbulent territory as reality eases it's way back into his system, concern and worry and a bitter apprehension tugging at his nerves the more the seconds tick by. he should have asked her about protection, should have been quicker to his feet, shouldn't have been as intense - especially when she'd asked for nothing resembling commitment. he's slipped on his boxers by the time she comes back, gaze flickering over her body before skirting away as he catches the expression on her face, a little too grim to let him hope that she doesn't harbor any regrets. "...i can if you want me to." his teeth dig into the inside of his lip, trying to formulate a coherent thought even as he struggles to wade through the mix of emotions running through him. "i didn't mean for us to get that carried away... do i need to get you anything?" plan b, water, anything else she might need - although he assumes that protection is likely covered if she's doing this on a frequent basis than he is, he doesn't want to be the dick that doesn't offer to make up for his own mistakes.

her heart sinks, ears ringing from the bitterness steeped in his tone and the omission of what he almost said, fairly certain the term wife would've slipped out if he hadn't held his tongue just in time. you're still important to me. she can feel how deeply he means each word, spoken not as an offhand statement, but as an ever-present truth. it's one she echoes, a shared sentiment that not even divorce can shake. but saying it back would only do more damage than good right now, in case it gets misconstrued for affection. they've come a long way in their divorce proceedings, have made countless strides in finding their way forward after separating, that she'd hate for a regression. though he raises an extremely valid point — how is she meant to look after a newborn and work to support the both of them on her own? she broke the news to nicolas because he deserved to know, but she never expected how supportive and present he wanted to be. he'd always been a giver, the kind of person who looked out for others ahead of himself; hence, why she fell in love with the man in the first place. in an ideal world, they'd still be married, happily so, and the baby would be looked at as an unforeseen miracle. though it's a stretch to call him or her a problem as she mistakenly did earlier, it's definitely an obstacle, bound to make life challenging in more ways than one. "we don't have to figure it out all at once," she reminds him, tone soft with reassurance. suddenly, theodora feels a renewed sense of appreciation for the career she chose. it gives her a major leg up, the knowledge on how to care for infants practically embedded in her psyche. they'll both be first-time parents, and there's still much to learn, things she's sure she'll pick up hands-on — but it's a comfort to know she has over a decade of experience with newborns that'll come in handy when the baby arrives. the idea of outsourcing any sort of help is odious to her, and she's quick to shake her head, shutting it down without further discussion. "i do want someone to be here, for the first few months at least. until i get my bearings. it's just a matter of who." aside from her bedroom, there were two more: one for guests, and she had plans to convert the office into the nursery. she contemplates nicolas, head tilting, inquiring, "maybe, if it's not too much to ask, you could move back in and help out? not now, but..." she thinks for a moment, then says, "sometime in my final trimester? close to my due date? just to be safe." if her sister didn't live in another state and have her own family to tend to, theodora would've asked her instead. but she had to make lemonade, and nicolas was right here, asking to be here for her. she might as well take his word for it.

he'd approached the divorce like surgery, numbed his feelings and focused on cutting out the parts of his life that weren't working anymore, that seemed beyond healing. it was messy, brutal work, and unlike those long shifts he had at the hospital, he dragged the effects with home with him, the reminder that theodora wouldn't be waiting up for him on the couch ever present as he went back to an empty apartment, walls sparse and temporary furniture from ikea making it feel more like a hotel room than a home. and like any wound, he should know that the recovery time was often the greater burden, that learning to live without a limb was far more arduous a task than the initial operation to remove it. so he doesn't blame thee for not repeating his sentiment, understanding that voicing whatever feelings that still haunt them would be just another set-back neither of them need. it's cleaner like this, without him knowing what progress she's made, it leaves less room for hope that maybe there's still time to salvage the pieces and put them back together. it doesn't stop the ache in his chest though, her reassurance coming without the gentle press of her hand or murmured endearment that would typically follow and would often help ground him more so than any words could. "right, that we do..." a little under nine months to get used to both parenthood and figure out how joint custody in the midst of a divorce would look like. that's what the lawyers are there for, to temper down messy entanglements and hidden feelings, keep everything as ordered and logical as possible. but the thought of involving them in this, something so fragile and unexpected, a little miracle all of their own makes him sick to his stomach. "but do you mind if we... try and work through things by ourselves first? i don't want some lawyer who's just trying to figure out what's best for me or you dictating how we should go about what's best for our child." he'd been prepared to launch into suggestions - attempt to brainstorm the impossible task of finding someone to fit in where he was supposed to be when instead she offers up a solution of her own. one he hadn't even dared consider and doesn't want to latch on now, because it seems like something too dangerous to even consider. all those boundaries they'd been working on constructing, the careful measured tone in their messages, the distance that had slowly gotten easier with time - every small step towards a separation that was inevitable undone. in a way, it's what he wants - to be here in this house that was once their home, bearing the weight of parenthood together. to be a father and thee's support in equal measure, in a way that nicolas knows he could never fully be apart from her. so there's barely any hesitation as he responds, "of course, if that's what you want." but he also knows that it might be blurring the lines between being a supporter and being her husband in a way that's inevitably going to cause issues, the history residing in these walls - between them, liable to haunt them both. "i can also help you look for someone - if you think that might be easier. ...not that i don't want to be here, but it just might... complicate things."