I think 2023 was one of the toughest year, where I got the experience of the ultimate toxic workplace, more than any other workplace I've ever been, as I already moved to 7 companies already, that was one ultimate hell (please let it be the toughest, no more no more)
But I can't say it's the worst year, because I still feel 2019 was the worst, but every other year, I also had my struggle, like 2022 it was nice overall, but January that year was the toughest that it actually changes the way I see towards health. But yes, 2023 was tough in its own way, especially for my career progress.
2023 is the year when I got one of the fastest career progress, but also tortured so intensely, in the end I was left with a wound, I'm not sure it's dried already or not, since even until now, I still feel like a scaredy cat, and I can't hide it. Everything still feels so intense, that every new things give myself a certain anxiety that is quite high compared to when I wasn't faced with the toxic environment. I can say that, I still want to runaway most of the times, but I acknowledge that the only way to heal is to face the fear.
But also 2023 taught me about perseverance is like to two edged sword, where you gain something for hanging on so hard (you learn things for sure), and also you lose something for hanging on for too long (losing yourself). But in the end, living is just about that, gaining and losing. You gain experiences, get wiser, earn more (as well), but you lose your naivety, miss your old self (that hasn't got scarred fro a hard battle), lose your confidence in facing life, because now you know better that you don't know a thing about life, especially controlling what will happen to yourself.
My expectation towards life become more realistic, I don't expect things big, I just wish a well fulfilled easy life. But realistically speaking, I also realized that's a hard expectation to achieve.
Other than that, I also grow a new view of becoming less materialistic, I hate when people talk about branded stuff and another accomplishment of owning things. I hate that we need to be associated with belongings. Maybe part of this new belief coming from the social media algorithm that I was being pushed: 'slow living' or 'the beauty of taking it slow' when I was on my most stressed state. You know that usually you lean toward extreme side because the algorithm keep pushing the same related content, and somehow it resonates in my brain now I become more 'leftish' that also associated with socialism, lol. But wait, I think I'm more a hippy tho.
But at the same time, I can't help myself to also think about it, especially when I surround myself with people who think materials and possessions as the important parts of their life. It's one of the tools to be accepted in the society. So somehow you also need to show off.
Hhhh, I'm tired of needed to be always in between, be materialistic, but not too much, you also need to be frugal. Like, you need to be skinny, but not too skinny that you look sick. Also like, you need to be pushy, but not too pushy that you push people away. Also, you need to be a warm person, but also not too warm, so you can still be demanding.
I think the concept of being in between becoming quite confusing in the end to me. Because in the end, you can only know when to play which part or side as you gain the experience. Well, then only with time can tell. For now, be receptive, be adaptive, and be agile are the only ways to survive, until you experience most of the things yourself, the recipe of handling life obstacles.
It's funny how when you get older, you got even more confused about life. You become less decisive. And I'm afraid becoming indecisive as a personality I pick in this life, while as you get older, you becoming more glued on certain personalities. But it's also part of growing old, as you become more careful deciding things, because now, you have more to things to lose. It's no longer a 'nothing to lose' kind of age.
Rambling, why this writing's leaning more on rambling with no structure to sort my thoughts, especially my 'theme' of 2024. Because I can't even decide the theme of this year lol.
But, while I'm rambling on 2023 review, I got to say that:
Overall Purpose: Easy fulfilling life
How: be receptive, be adaptive, be agile.
With Notes: It's ok to take it slow, especially when decide things, because your ship getting bigger, now is the era "there's something to lose" when you choose something.
Additional Notes in 2024: Don't be too hard on yourself, you've just got out from big battle, let yourself get into small battles one by one.
So by the end of this writing, I could say 2024 theme is: Go Easy to Gain Accumulated Small Wins.
I also want to list down what I feel grateful of:
Those who stick in my dark era
My perseverance to stand still
My bravery to get myself out of sorrow
Life itself that brings me into this stage of life, I can't believe I survived that, but yes I did it.
Carlina - I'm A Lucky Girl song. "Cuz I'm a lucky girl, And all good things come to me. Flow to me, move through me"
Thank you, 2023. You've been a badass, but I'm more badass somehow.