Infused Dopamine

Something I just realised in these past years: I’m no longer afraid of dealing with toddlers. They used to be something I was scared of and I would avoid no matter what.

If I look back, the reason for my fear towards them could be from their unpredictable and unfilterred comments and opinions. I was afraid they could smell my incompetence, insecurity, and ‘secrets’ and shout them out loud. I must have thought they’re some kind of magic creature

Now that I’m more comfortable with my flaws and have started accepting them, I don’t care anymore if the kids shout it out and will just laugh it off, because I know it already, since I give myself harsher comment already. And if they highlight something I don’t know about, ok then, one more flaw (which might be true but also could be wrong) that I’ve found out.

Even if we think a bit deeper about it, their parents should be the one who feel more ashamed if their toddler makes some ‘rude’ comments, so it’s never about me in the first place. It’s just bad parenting

I feel threaten by every single thing lately. I just can’t see things positively. Something feels off. The episode of me having mental breakdown is getting more often.

I feel threaten by his new group, despite they’re trying to include me. He’s friends with his ex that now I found out is a pick me towards her husband (which maybe only between them). I feel threaten by the body shape of the girls in the group as they’re very skinny lean. I feel like I don’t belong to the group.

I feel threaten by my financial dependency towards him. That now he doesn’t see me as his equal. That I also have a lot of debt. Which now that I think about it also caused by buying the house, that the 26% of the monthly installment affects my financial stability. Which if I think deeper about it, is something of my selfless ness towards his dream to have his own house, which I never really into in the first place.

I feel threaten by my office, that my performance is being valued by my capability to achieve the number despite of my effort. And now I burnout, I can’t really tell what’s real or not of my hunch that people like me or not (which I never really know anyway in the first place), but I feel people see me stupid and incapable all the time. That I want to runaway

I feel threaten by my family who starts to crumble down that my sister cut my mother off which is due to her own mistake but I kinda feel bad myself putting her in my hometown far away which is also kinda her own mistake ad well that she got scammed all the time now I blame myself not to keep my promise to call her but I really don’t have the bandwidth to do this

I feel threaten by my own circle why I’m surrounded by people who makes it but I even want to give up everything and leave poorly because I can’t handle the pressure anymore I’m breaking down.

I feel threaten that I lost control over my life that I keep following the flow but the current flow is no longer can be put on pause. I keep swimming but I kinda feel drowned. I want to pause or swim on the side for some time but I really can’t. I have a pile of debt, lifestyle, sickness (stress and gerd), friendship, relationship, family, expectations, that I can’t no longer runaway from it. I really want to runaway from it. Put a pause on it. But I really don’t know how.

I want to find myself again. I want to be grateful again.

1. We have problem where I can’t accept that my spouse has other person of an opposite sex that he cares a lot, in platonic way. While he can’t accept that I can’t accept that since he insists that it’s platonic and I also have a lot of male friends which are gays, one of it are my ex, true I have a gay ex. But he insisted that we’re not really done because when he cheated I also mentioned that I also have urgency to kiss him because it’s an old flame. But I mentioned it because I don’t want him to break up with me, so I’m about to normalize his infidelity with an old flame. Well that ex is suppperrrr gay and sister vibe anyway. I also not in the level of wanting to fuck someone who got fucked by a fucked up gay.

2. In earlier relationship I didn’t realize this since we worked outside Jakarta, so I didn’t see this behaviour much. He just mentioned it some times that he has some really close friends (and also 2 exes that he maintained as friends, which later he cheated with, which also that person is also the best friend of that ex that he cheated with). But there’s one red flag where he put this person as his fav contact person, in first row, and I came to second. But he also has other red flag where he called his ex but later delete the log but felt bad so he came clean right in the morning. So I kinda just let it go since he had worst red highlights for me to think.

3. I always see friend to lover and enemy to lover arch are such beautiful stories since I like the idea of getting to know someone first before jump to a relationship, which also what happened to us and my previous relationship.

4. Later in life, after we moved back to Jakarta, which later he cheated on me right away, this person somehow appeared as someone who frequently came to our life. Especially during our break for a month.

5. One of my requirement for us to get back is for him to cut or reduce the intensity meeting and talk to her. Which later turns out he sneakily talk with when I was asleep.

6. I also found a conversation about his health that he discussed with her before discuss with me. So the trigger get intensified

7. But since I committed to stick to my decision of getting back and making him my life partner, I decide that rather than him sneaking out, and he even ask me to reconsider my ultimatum, so I try to accept her in his life, while it’s a working in progress always. Like this discussion and argument keeps coming up.

8. Which later it gets intensified because that person cheated on his spouse to a colleague, so this person also like to ask my spouse’s opinions or as simple as telling their sex life. Sometimes coming to our house without me there, but I kinda feel off, so I check the cctv for a minute but later find it stupid as I can’t control things.

9. Anyway things get even more intensified as this person was having a birthday. And my spouse would like to give this person an expensive gift but ask for my input first, saying it’s like giving a gift as a sense of accomplishment like giving gift to family. Which later I found out my spouse ask me because that person feel bad and encourage my spouse to ask me first, so the asking me first is not something that comes initiatively. But he propose for me to get better gift like I’m first spouse and that person is a side chick kind of solution. Why I said this as analogy, because he once told me a story of his friend who got his wife a bigger house to compensate giving his lover a house. As if I’m materialistic like that, and as if we’re in that kind of situation.

10. But then I tried to not pick up a fight still about this, because he put a pause on giving that person the gift.

11. Anyway, they also chat all the time, to the point on our car play, that person’s name keep showing up. Which is triggering for me. But I tried to stick to my decision and commitment that I accept that person in his life, for the sake of him and our relationship.

12. Which comes to the ultimate petty of me, I found out that my spouse got that person a bday cake, it puts a scar since I didnt receive any bday cake this year from him. It’s not even a special bday, like typical 31st, because if it’s 30 maybe I can understand. But I try to forget it anyway, because I know it’s so petty.

13. But on my PMS, he mentioned about the bday cake. Which now I just remembered. I mentioned how I feel sad that I don’t get the cake but that person got it. But he argued it’s because that person requested for it. Which then I understand, it’s just I’m not straight forward about it, I need to request it as well.

14. But then at night, I tried to get the bday cake for my friend. It’s triggering for me. So I close the tab, looking for our london’s trip instead, and about to ask my other friend to prepare the cake instead.

15. Which surprisingly he’s in the mood for sex, I kinda looking forward to it and kinda always feel bad if reject him since I’m mirroring it to myself what does it feel to be rejected (because it happened to me once that left scar for years that I never ask for it first, until he mentioned about it).

16. Unfortunately, I’m still sad, so I cry during sex. I tried not to cry, because it must be traumatic for him seeing me cry while doing it. I manage to end it without him seeing me cry. But when I open my eyes, he realized I got red eyes. I tried to lie it’s just sadness from harry potter. But he can read me. So I ended up telling him it’s about the cake. Which I know petty, that’s why I didn’t really mention it much. But I realised later that I’m on PMS. That’s why I was extra sensitive. But he chose to put some distant that night even until the morning.

17. I realised that it keeps happening, so I propose couple counseling, we need professional help. Because it can’t be happening everytime I got my period, or everytime that person having a birthday. And I might find bday triggering later in life because of this case.

18. So I came here to find solution. I’m willing to work on myself as well. If I need to accept her, I’m willing to try. It’s just when my logic kinda get his point, my heart still can’t accept it.

19. What I feel is I kinda feel like I need to share him with someone else. Which my logic is also arguing that he’s not in my possession, he can maintain multiple person that he can care about. But yes, I still feel like I’m not the most important person for him. Like if he can’t put an end to their relationship, even though it’s triggering with his pas infidelity, meaning I’m not that important for him to care. Which I know kinda depressing to think about. Oh I also can’t help to have this insecurity and inferiority, because his infidelity ended because that ex getting married, rejected him when he said he loved her and married him instead, but of course everyone in their right mind with that much spending on a wedding, would reject the offer. But sometimes I wish she just accepted his love, they live happily ever after, it’s hurtful but at least I didn’t come as a second option like this. This part my logic can’t ever comprehend and accept. I can only say that at that time his is cloudy and I will never know what will happen next if they end up together, so let’s just accept that I’m the second option and do my best, so he won’t choose other person instead of me ever again.

So as usual, this is the time that I reflect to last year and make new topic for the new year.

For the time being, 2024 was a year where I feel like I’m getting all the good karma that I’ve been collecting from 2023. That the year I got the oppoortunity to thrive.

New job, new peers, new boss, purchasing our first house, having stable relationship, new friends, new communities.

but it’s also about undrstanding myself more. The limit of my body, my boundaries in work, friend, relationship, marriage, family.

Unfortunately the year end with a lot of unstability in the country and world economy that it makes me a bit worry of the future.

Age: 30

Relationship Status: Married

Occupation: ECommerce Lead in a 133+ yo European Company

Income: 41K + (equivalent to 192K+ in New York)

Astrological Sign: Pisces

What is your first though every morning?

Hmm, am I late? (Checking the time)

What is something you do solely for you?

Taking a weekly Yoga class and eating my salad

What is something you dread?

Myself that I don’t prioritize my own health over temporary work stress

What is something you are looking forward to?

Weekends! And of course the end of year holiday vibes (Christmas & New Year)

What is something you regret investing in financially?

Putting my money to those scam investment (CK & Andz)

What is something you regret investing in emotionally?

Investing too much emotionally in all the bullying and fire burning of Rckt drama

When do you feel the most creative?

Actually when I’m doing my current role. I really need to be extra creative to achieve my KPI and my team KPI (or even to think about excuses of why I don’t achieve it)

How often do you compare yourself to others? When?

Very often. Almost all the time, sometimes to make myself feel better, sometimes to humble myself.

What is something you’d like to thank your past self for?

For brave enough to dream big to get to one of the most prestigious universities. For brave enough to go to L city. For brave enough getting out of a toxic relationshop and experienced my first infidelity to be with a more fitted man. For brave enough to resign without any job and get a pay cut to get into a new industry. For brave enough to not give up and stay with him. For brave enough to take a new leading role.

What is something you learned in childhood that you have now had to unlearn in adulthood?

To unlearn that your parents are also just like you with all their childishness and clumsiness inside, but it’s just not showing on the outside, at least when you’re a child.

What is something you would feel really good to get off your chest?

That I don’t believe in religion and believe people should really think more on how not to harm others with logic. Also I have child-free mindset but tbh I’m still not sure if it will be stay like this forever or I might change my mind.

When do you feel most in your feminine energy?

When I dressed up and put on my most advanced make up skill.

What is one interaction that changed your life?

With my bff I guess. That conversation about how there’s an option that I can skip believing on religion when in final college year. I just realized there’s an option. Before that, I thought I could get struck by lightning bolt if I say it out loud.

What is something you want to give up?

Giving up eating food that triggers my GERD.

What do you believe is a universal truth?

To always choose good. People might not reciprocate, but at least you feel good about yourself.

When do you feel most accomplished?

Every time I got my paycheck.

What is one thing you believe about your future self?

That I’ll achieve my financial freedom by 40 and do whatever I like with not much stress

Have you ever felt pure joy? When?

That moment after 12.12 in 2019. I felt pure joy and satisfaction. Core memory.

What is something you want to take up?

Eat healthy food

What are three things you think are absolutely worth the investment? (Financially, emotionally, or time/energy wise)

1. Healthy lifestyle (Work Out especially the one you like and Healthy Food)

2. People that you cherish

3. Pension fund

Bonus: tell me something good

Ceremonial grade Matcha that you whisk yourself + almond milk tastes so amazing.

It’s written when I got my first day of period, and it’s Tuesday (like the new ‘Monday’), and I’m feeling down and sluggish.

I’ve been questioning this for the past 2 years, why retirement still so far away? If it’s the normal retirement, it means I still need 25 more years to retire to hit 55. And if it’s early retirement, I still need 15 years to hit 45.

So my new boss is coming already. I got super anxious, like the traumatic episode got triggered. I got multiple flashback of myself getting yelled, publicly humiliated, being told incompetent. It feels real like I’m in that situation again, I can’t remove the flashback when I close my eyes.

What I learn is when I write things, I move my brain from amygdala to front cortex again, so that’s why I do this writing, it would be more effective if I handwrite it, but since it’s dark, I will just type it.

I need to do the shifting and contradictive approach. Shift my focus that it’s not real, I’m not in that situation. And I need to talk about my expectation to my boss, about I understand that sales can be high in pressure, but I expect a positive environment where people can talk maturely and nicely to each other, and when I make mistake, you can tell me nicely what should I improve and I will try my best to improve it, so the situation is not fight or flight mode, rather a constructive situation where we can focus on fixing and improve things logically. I think the approach is amicable and professional as well that I raise this issue priorly before things got awry.

I can only tell my expectation, let’s see his feedback on this. Because if it’s not going well, I can still give my CV to Ram with 2 month notice.

That’s the reality and you need to face that. You can’t just make everyone likes you. Being liked means that you simply you don’t become someone’s hindrance, even better you become an enabler of someone doing what they’re doing.

When someone dont like you, it usually because you put them in a position that challenge them. Especially in a position that pretty much has a very contradictive nature, it’s almost impossible you get the liked of them.

It’s hard, I know. For a people pleaser, it’s something new. But when you become someone’s challenge, meaning you bring an impact to them. It’s ok that the conversation become somewhat defensive, you just need to keep making the conversation flowing as long you communicate what you tried with good intention. Whatever the other party think is not something that we can always control, because human brain tends to be bias, believing only what they want to believe.

It’s ok you’re not liked by the others, as long you believe you’re doing the right thing for the right purpose. Remember, you also have a team that needs you to speak the difficult conversation. It is difficult, but still needed to be said.

I just asked stupid question in a big forum full of management team. It’s just so stupid and no context of the actual situation because I actually doing something else when the important news being announced. I feel so stupid like real stupid, especially I’m in a managerial position. How come I look so stupid and dense in the situation.

It’s not only that time, but it also happened often. That omg I feel so stupid and feel like I dont deserve this job and role.

But chat gpt said I need to focus on the learning rather than the mistake, because dwelling on the mistakes is just useless and only hurt myself even more. Since this time I will start no baper or no take things to the heart, I will convert this feeling of a learning curve. And justify this feeling as I’m still new and actually everyone also knew I’m new in this position, maybe everyone knew (?), and it’s still my 60 days of probation. Even though first impression is important, but in sales world, number is much more important.

Things I learned that day:

Listen to any management meetings without multi tasking

If you happen to do something else, don’t open your mouth because you might not actually hear and understand the context completely

I think 2023 was one of the toughest year, where I got the experience of the ultimate toxic workplace, more than any other workplace I've ever been, as I already moved to 7 companies already, that was one ultimate hell (please let it be the toughest, no more no more)

But I can't say it's the worst year, because I still feel 2019 was the worst, but every other year, I also had my struggle, like 2022 it was nice overall, but January that year was the toughest that it actually changes the way I see towards health. But yes, 2023 was tough in its own way, especially for my career progress.

Let's review 2023.

2023 is the year when I got one of the fastest career progress, but also tortured so intensely, in the end I was left with a wound, I'm not sure it's dried already or not, since even until now, I still feel like a scaredy cat, and I can't hide it. Everything still feels so intense, that every new things give myself a certain anxiety that is quite high compared to when I wasn't faced with the toxic environment. I can say that, I still want to runaway most of the times, but I acknowledge that the only way to heal is to face the fear.

But also 2023 taught me about perseverance is like to two edged sword, where you gain something for hanging on so hard (you learn things for sure), and also you lose something for hanging on for too long (losing yourself). But in the end, living is just about that, gaining and losing. You gain experiences, get wiser, earn more (as well), but you lose your naivety, miss your old self (that hasn't got scarred fro a hard battle), lose your confidence in facing life, because now you know better that you don't know a thing about life, especially controlling what will happen to yourself.

My expectation towards life become more realistic, I don't expect things big, I just wish a well fulfilled easy life. But realistically speaking, I also realized that's a hard expectation to achieve.

Other than that, I also grow a new view of becoming less materialistic, I hate when people talk about branded stuff and another accomplishment of owning things. I hate that we need to be associated with belongings. Maybe part of this new belief coming from the social media algorithm that I was being pushed: 'slow living' or 'the beauty of taking it slow' when I was on my most stressed state. You know that usually you lean toward extreme side because the algorithm keep pushing the same related content, and somehow it resonates in my brain now I become more 'leftish' that also associated with socialism, lol. But wait, I think I'm more a hippy tho.

But at the same time, I can't help myself to also think about it, especially when I surround myself with people who think materials and possessions as the important parts of their life. It's one of the tools to be accepted in the society. So somehow you also need to show off.

Hhhh, I'm tired of needed to be always in between, be materialistic, but not too much, you also need to be frugal. Like, you need to be skinny, but not too skinny that you look sick. Also like, you need to be pushy, but not too pushy that you push people away. Also, you need to be a warm person, but also not too warm, so you can still be demanding.

I think the concept of being in between becoming quite confusing in the end to me. Because in the end, you can only know when to play which part or side as you gain the experience. Well, then only with time can tell. For now, be receptive, be adaptive, and be agile are the only ways to survive, until you experience most of the things yourself, the recipe of handling life obstacles.

It's funny how when you get older, you got even more confused about life. You become less decisive. And I'm afraid becoming indecisive as a personality I pick in this life, while as you get older, you becoming more glued on certain personalities. But it's also part of growing old, as you become more careful deciding things, because now, you have more to things to lose. It's no longer a 'nothing to lose' kind of age.

Rambling, why this writing's leaning more on rambling with no structure to sort my thoughts, especially my 'theme' of 2024. Because I can't even decide the theme of this year lol.

But, while I'm rambling on 2023 review, I got to say that:

Overall Purpose: Easy fulfilling life

How: be receptive, be adaptive, be agile.

With Notes: It's ok to take it slow, especially when decide things, because your ship getting bigger, now is the era "there's something to lose" when you choose something.

Additional Notes in 2024: Don't be too hard on yourself, you've just got out from big battle, let yourself get into small battles one by one.

So by the end of this writing, I could say 2024 theme is: Go Easy to Gain Accumulated Small Wins.

That's it.

I also want to list down what I feel grateful of:

Those who stick in my dark era

My perseverance to stand still

My bravery to get myself out of sorrow

Life itself that brings me into this stage of life, I can't believe I survived that, but yes I did it.

Carlina - I'm A Lucky Girl song. "Cuz I'm a lucky girl, And all good things come to me. Flow to me, move through me"

So it's been occupying my head for some time. But I think it's time for me to put a rest on it and get over with it.

Let's start.

I've always been a fan of that kind of rom-com that tells a story about how two best friends ended up liking each other, because I like the idea that people being real with one another and they still find each other quirkiness to be attractive to make them fall in love eventually. I remember I really like to rewatch "One Day' starring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess because they were like best friend, the platonic type, but just found each other at very the end. I really love that kind of story. Maybe that's why I always feel a man and a woman cannot be friends. I love love and I love that kind of love story. I mirror it to myself and I see that's such a beautiful and fateful love story.

I'd never imagined myself to have a love partner who actually have a girl best friend. Not only just an ugly weird best friend, but a very proper pretty smart kind girl best friend (but pretty sure have an audacious personality). They were so clingy to each other, while I don't really see it at first, but wellllllllll, turns out they actually very very very close that I was caught of guard. Let's say I'm trying to be a cool girl that being okay with having her spouse to have a girl best friend that got to have a lunch date minimum once a week. But then I got supper angry that they even spend a saturday together just both of them, from looking for a tennis racquet, to lunch, and even to have a dessert somewhere else.

From I'm being ok with it, now I feel that I'm not being respected. It's our usual Saturday date, we actually like to do that, that's our ritual, and then he did that with another girl. I feel betrayed in a way. I thought it was special, spending time to each other, but turns out it's basic thing. Now I don't feel like to have another weekend date anymore. Because it means nothing. I'm actually mad about it.

But I tried to keep it cool but try to discuss it with him with a cool head. I communicate what I was feeling that night. But he has the audacity to be defensive about it. I already tried to gather all the informations first, is it normal to feel angry about it, or am I being dramatic over non-substantial thing. I google it, it says I'm very normal. I asked several of my friends, they said they even will get super angry about it. But I just got gaslighted?

He said it's very common to have a girl best friend since some of his guy friends also have a girl best friend. He said I don't try to understand his feeling but blurting out what I'm feeling, he said I should've keep it to myself because now that I said it, he will be extra cautious being with that girl, like the previous girl best friend that I asked him to be extra cautious since that previous girl is actually best-friends with the girl he previously had infidelity with. While in fact I know that I have the rights to even ask him not to be friends with her anymore, but since I don't want him to have a burden having a relationship with me by cutting someone out of his life. I don't want to be someone who makes him have regrets. Me being me.

Okay, I still want to make this relationship works until the end of my life so I want to solve this issue with an open mind. If it's me that needs to adjust, I'm very ok with that. I just want to adjust it without hurting myself.

Let's break it down to several points:

Since maybe part of it is my own belief that said a man and a woman can't be really really friends without any interest, I need to adjust it in my own thoughts that it's actually possible to have that kind of relationship. I also read it that a man who can have a woman best friend is considered someone who progressive way of thinking since they can see woman as someone who they can share discussion with. They see woman as an equal with them. So it's successfully debunk the patriarchy belief, and of course I want to have a spouse who sees me as an equal and not a misogynistic.

Since I myself never experience having a platonic friendship with straight man, I think I need to have one myself, the pure friendship one. So I get to believe it myself and experience it first handedly. Next thing to do: Find a straight man as a best friend and treat them equally.

Since I also need to understand his need to have a bestfriend that unfortunately cannot be replaced with a male type, I'll be more considerate about this. I need to believe him that he can manage this.

My thoughts about not having a weekend date anymore, why I can sense that it's anger, I will work on that to have a date again without feeling spiteful towards it. But I'm thinking to put some limitation to make this date a bit more special than other date. So then I know it's an actual date.

I will rewrite the Sour Sally memories with nice thing. I won't have Sour Sally. I will order it more often, share it with a lot of my friends as well for the experience.

The thoughts that I feel like I should be angry with him having a female best friend since the society allows me to, I will put this aside. I believe every relationship is different and every couple boundary is also different. I also see myself as someone who's quite open minded with certain things. I believe something like this are trivial to our strong bond. We can stretch our boundary for each other, for a greater good.

So that's my thoughts for now. I'll talk about this with him. We'll see his feedback about this.

Sincerely,

I’ve submitted my resignation this week. Such a liberating thing to do. Also empowering, taking action over my slavery and office bullying that I’ve been holding on for 10 months. And now I just need to survive for another 2 months, and Dobby is a free elf~!

While my resignation is far from my initial plan where I expect I’ll try to survive until Mar 2024 when I turn 30 or when I get a new job (whichever comes first), people might think it’s kinda sudden and they might find it surprising that I’m resigning without a new job. 

But looking back, by the next two months (my notice period), it will be my official one year of joining the company. I’ve been enduring so many things and also trying any thing that can help me survive, which include going to psychology, psychiatric, HR, company counselling, changing new director, changing new Business Units. I’m not regretting anything. I now know that it’s just the company that doesn’t fit and the role itself has the kind of pressure that my neurotic self can’t hold.

I’m aware that this might cause me anxious since I got some deadline because my savings only can last up to around 6 months and with the money that will decreasing overtime, I might can’t get enough sleep. But considering anxiety is your body survival instinct to help you navigate yourself from starving and staying alive, it’s pretty normal that not having a job and income might caused me this jittery feeling. But important notes to remember: You are making money by taking your business more seriously. By having deadline making myself need to push more on my focus to make the business become my stable income. It’s needed. It’s advantageous for my own growth. 

I owe this to myself, since I don’t want to stay in the corporate slavery for my whole life. I’ve always have a vision to have multiple incomes, so I don’t get to be caught up in the situation just like this, where I don’t have the option to leave the company when I don’t feel like I belong to the company. So by taking my business to the next level, it means I’m building something that can be my stable income stream, so in the future when I join the corporate workforce again, I don’t have to be in this situation again. 

You’ll be okay. You need to be confident with your ability. You got it.

If things doesn’t turn so good, you can always go back to the workforce and find something else.

I never actually asking who I am before. I never try to define it before. I also never truly understand what I like, what I hate. I thought it’s not the right way to live life. I thought life should be like a water flow, you float and get adaptive. I always try to fit in and at the same time I know that I’m unique in a away.

I always thought if I don’t have a personality, I can easily blend in. People accept me. It’s not that I want people to love me, but at least I want people to see me like-able. If they were asked to divide people who they know on groups, I would like them to always put me on their “good people” group. I’m not sure what advantage I would get if I always get the like of people, it’s not that they put me as priority so far, I never got myself into a “selective” training even (context: KL BDM Training). That’s just how I’m not memorable and considered as a bright employee.

I’m almost 30 and I still need people acceptance, omg. I really need to work on my inner peace and inner acceptance.

Let’s start working on what kind of personality I really have if I don’t care about people by channeling to my childhood. Since they said it’s how you reconnect to who you really are.

1. I like to draw, I like art, I like pretty stuff. My mother always said that I’m creative, into arts, have a talent on that.

2. Once I’m a selfish little kid, but my dad said that I need to “mengalah” to my cousin (a little game where you pick things on the magazine, who calls on dips first, gets it but only their delulu brain lol). Ever since then, I always mengalah. I just feel like what’s the point of winning.

3. The only drive I have, for example getting myself into a good uni, studying hard, learning things, is my willingness to be accepted by the society. It’s just a FOMO thing. I saw my friend got accepted in the good uni, I also want that. I saw my friend able to drive a car, I learn that. I saw my friend got themselves a cool dress, I’m trying to be trendy. I saw my friend study very hard and get As, I study so hard myself. Pretty much I’m not original, but somehow gets myself the best of me lol.

4. I like girly stuff. I like barbie. I like girly movie. I like rom com. I like fashion magazines. I like french thingy.

5. I want to be an astronaut and I want to be a house wife. Two complete opposites. I want to be an astronaut because I was mesmerized with stars and galaxy. I want to be a house wife because I want to be around my loved ones, looking back that Mama never home when I got home from school.

6. I love spinach soup, my love toward soupy food already since I was a child lol. I like Popeyes because he likes my fav food.

7. I like to be home. I’m a homebody. I got nervous when someone comes in to my house tho, so I prefer to go go my friend’s home rather than having them at mine.

8. I like to stroll by myself since I understand money. I will use my money just to go the nearest supermercado when I got bored. Amazing. Retail therapy since 5 yo.

(Which includes the people that matter to you)

I would put my happiness first. By happiness I mean the kind of inner peace of accepting things and worry less. By accepting things and worry less I mean I accept what I am and less worry about everything because I can control the messiness I put myself in and/or any external factors that suddenly approach me. By having control meaning I know what to do when unexpected things happen and I can easily take charge on things.

That’s when it becomes impossible. My happiness seems like an impossible task to do since I can’t always take charge of everything. It means not letting myself get out of the house. Unexpected things will always happen, it can be good and bad. That’s just how life works. It means I need to rework my definition of happiness in the world that we can’t always control. So far I still don’t have the skill to predict things and clairvoyance :)

Okay get back to the happiness things. I still want inner peace to be my happiness. Acceptance might be my keyword to inner peace as well. But “worry less”, I think that’s when the step seems to make me a bit delusional. People will always be worry. Worrying is not always a bad thing. Worry means you care about something. Worry means you become “cautious” about things around you, especially keeping things that yours, making sure they’re “safe”.

Accepting. Accepting is still the right word, right mindset to find happiness, to find inner peace. Accepting that worry is something good. Accepting that you can’t always control things.

So get back to the big question: What would you do if you don’t care about what people saying. Accepting. I would accept things, accept the situation, accept who I am, accept my past that creates who I am, accept the people that I chose to stay and will stay, accept what I feel, accept what I believe, accept what I don’t believe. I won’t try to fit it anymore, I just accept who I am and let the people choose they will stick with me or not when I choose to be myself.

Acceptance. Yes, that where I should start. I need to start to understand who I am.

So another next question:

I don’t think it’s only in my current job, it’s always like that anyway, even in my first job, where I met my best friends. Like I hate criticism, I hate to joke around about work especially when it criticizes my work quality. I feel like I’m quite sensitive about it. Especially I feel like job is somewhat part of who I am. So when they criticize my work, I feel attacked.

It’s different if we discuss about gossips, work updates, suffers (especially that we both share together), I like to hang out talking about that.

After all I’m 29 and still sensitive with criticism. And easily get tired with social situation after work. And most importantly, I feel like work friend is not actually real friend. When we can talk about deeper things, that’s when I can say they’re my real friends. It’s not that easy to find real friend in this age. So it’s really okay to feel tired socializing with your work friend. Because, real friend talks about real matters outside work. And real friends are encouraging, not make you feel bad.

I’ve come to a dream that by 30 I will have a slow paced but well paid job. But somehow by the end of 28, I put myself in the situation where I got a crazy director and not reliable direct lead that put me under a very fast paced demanding but well paid job, while previously I already got a slow paced and well paid job (even though not as high as this new positition).

The thing is I started thinking, does the money worth all the pain? Do this job actually help me achieve my end goal? How can I survive in the job that put me under a lot of pressure but at the same time is also very messy. So let’s breakdown all the questions we have to make a deep analysis so we can come up with solution to overcome this complicated situation and I don’t feel stuck.

1. Does the money worth all the pain? Does this job help me to achieve my end goals?

Yes, it’s very painful. I never expect working with difficult boss can be this painful. You start to question your self, they demolish your confidence. You start thinking maybe it’s you, you just don’t have what ‘it’ takes. Their word gets to you. But by the end of the day, the money can help me reach my goal to build capital faster, so I can quit my full time job, or at least I have the choice to choose slower pace job.

But also take a look at the skill set that I can get. The crazy boss gets me the experience the worst thing. Where you don’t feel secure and happy all the time. You push yourself to the limit so you grow so much in a short time. You ask it yourself, you used to think that you’re in your 20s where you should grow the most. Because after this, you want to slow down. It’s the perfect timing, everything runw according to the plan. Everything is under control.

2. How can I survive?

I take what the crazy boss said to the heart, I take it personally today. This is where it crumples down. I feel like I lose hope over this job position. I feel like I have no future here even when the crazy boss is about to be returned back to his origin in 2-2.5 months.

My heart says I cannot take it anymore. This is too crazy for me. He’s too crazy, also I feel like I don’t belong here. But then when I told my friend about what I thought, he gave me this Ted Talk video about “How not to take things personally”, the youtube video that he just watched yesterday.

The key take away is the content of the video itself, where it all started from your ego that deliberately always think it’s about you who don’t want in the wrong position, like you always want to be a the “right” decision. So basically it’s your ego talking that you want to be always right. On point. Also the other key takeaway is how even my friend feels the same way, that’s why he came up watching that video and also feel relate to it. So, I’m not alone. We’re on this hard situation together. Everyone has it hard with him, even if they rarely directly talk to the crazy boss because their direct lead can back them up. But even so, I have the pressure worst, but he also gets the need to motivate himself by watching the video.

So I can survive but knowing that’s my ego talks if I feel like it’s about me. Because it’s not for sure because he got problems basically with everyone. Second, have empathy toward yourself, you’re new here, not under good direction, you don’t have a lead who can back you up. Of course you will mess some of things. Focus on doing what you can do to control your life better. In a way he will be gone soon. He can’t take you down. You are better than that. You are smart, you are brilliant, you are responsible, you’re willing to learn, you deserve to have a room of error, because even a teacher can make mistakes, or even super high intelligent excel somehow have a crashed when things got to overwhelmed.

Um so somehow I skip to write 2022 theme. So I think I should put 2 theme for this year that works well together.

Hmm let me think.

So I just read Grit, which makes me think this year’s first theme will be Grit. It’s about how you don’t quit, instead you practice and have a flow moment while doing the things that I’ll focus on to help me achieve my ultimate goal.

But I need to know what the ultimate goal is. So they said it helps to write down 20 goals but actually only pick 3 goals so your mind won’t scattered that much. Let’s try!

1. Have a chill life where I feel content with what I have

2. Have a successful business that I’m proud of

3. Have a passive income so I don’t need to work anymore

4. Live a life that make a positive impact to my surroundings

5. Live in a fancy life as a jetsetter

6. Have a body goals that looks like Sophia Latjuba’s

7. Still have friends in my old days to go to retirement together

8. Be a good and happy wife to w00f

9. Have a walk in close with some capsule wardrobe that has Hermes, Chanel, Dior, Celine, Prada

10. Got myself a Tesla and/or VW

11. Traveling to all continents

12. Worry free about Monday

13. Worry free about morning meetings

14. Enough sleep everyday

15. Have a happy and content family that full of trust and laughter

16. Have a good career position

17. Have a nice apartment where I got to have a patio to have dinner with friends like in Fast Furious movie

18. Work remotely so I got to travel whenever I want

19. Have a healthy body

20. Live a life feeling secured

Next I need to make it into 3 goals only, by sorting out the things that can be packed into a simple goal and also dismiss the goals that are not on the top 3 priorities.

1. Have my own business that along the time can follow my own pace and schedule that also create a positive impact to the society and pay my vacation, luxurious wardrobe, tesla/VW, and an apt/summer house with patio to have dinner with loved ones, and also enough money to be put on other passive incomes

2. Have a content life surrounded with w00f, families and friends

3. Healthy lifestyle which includes a healthy diet & exercise

Now that I already have my ultimate goals in life (hopefully the first point is not too long and actually achievable), the next recipe is Grit so it can help me achieve those.

So for my second theme for this year would be build a capital. The past years has taught me that there are a lot of things that we cannot control, like job security, unexpected virus, sudden death, important investment opportunity, and many other things, where capital is needed as a cushion if somehow we end up encounter in our mid journey.

By building capital, it means I need to save the majority of my income, and stop spending too much saying that savings starts next month. Remember, now is the best time to save.

Okay, now that we have two theme for this year, I’d like to emphasize the themes once again.

1. Grit to achieve my ultimate goals

2. Build a capital as a cushion

Amen to that.