slut for oblivion

For around 6 years, I've used files to sleep, while doing chores or commuting, to focus, to emotionally regulate, and to edge. It's so second nature that I didn't think about or question it. For much of that time, I didn't talk about hypno or even consider it a main kink, which is laughable now that I'm facing what a large part of my life it's been—a compartmentalized and unexamined one.

I used to tell myself I mainly listened to files to relax and help with anxiety. Uh huh. Just writing about this excites me in a way that nothing else does.

Honestly, files that don't contain a lot of sexually explicit material are one of the biggest turn-ons for me, because I'm ashamed of how much my body reacts to them. I'm lulled by the mundane purpose and normalcy at the beginning. It's nothing sexual, I'm just giving my mind a break, right? Just listening to a story. Forgetting the world for a moment and enjoying a nice, floaty feeling.

My shame around how I respond to hypno is a good indicator of how important it is to me as a kink. I've had other kink and porn-focused blogs, but this is one of the few I would be genuinely embarrassed about friends finding, even though it's the tamest.

Now that I'm owning what hypnokink means to me, one of the messier parts of reevaluating the way I relate to it is reconciling that my unhealthy habits and experiences were also So. Fucking. Hot. And that both things can be true. I'm trying to think about hypnokink from a practical standpoint but also struggling to stay level-headed about it (and enjoying that struggle). The fantasy is something I want, but the reality needs adjusting.

I haven't attempted to get rid of my triggers yet, because a part of me doesn't want to. After my disaster of an online relationship with a tist, I liked knowing I probably had triggers I wasn't aware of. I liked that there were significant portions of that experience I had a disturbing lack of recall about. When I found long memos on my phone about how much I loved "Master" that I had no memory of writing, it felt creepy and unreal, but hot as hell.

I was overwhelmed by strong feelings of affection, arousal, and need for him that felt out of control and not based in reality. But I was impressed and turned on that this could actually happen to me, especially since I remembered not being particularly interested in him romantically or sexually at first, and my intention was only to try hypnosis with a partner for the first time.

At the beginning, I thought of it as low-risk online roleplay. I was skeptical about whether it would work. I believed I could close the window at any time and it would all just disappear. I didn't access the part of myself that was afraid of how little I knew about what I was experiencing. When the relationship ended, I laughed it off as a weird misadventure. But I haven't been able to read those old messages until now, years later, because they made me feel sick to my stomach.

After going through a lot of our conversations, when I found the triggers, all those old feelings came back. Somehow, I feel torn about letting them go.

I'm glad his account was deleted a long time ago, and I have no way of contacting him. Because I know it's just a leftover from a dynamic that ended, something he's probably forgotten all about. But I keep thinking about needing to find "Master".

It's hot, and it's fucked up. Both of those thoughts are valid. And I know that it's possible to explore my fantasies in the future while ultimately maintaining my agency, protecting my boundaries, and acting out these desires with someone I trust.

I found out a Discord server I used to frequent was infamous as an unsafe place to find play partners.

I finally reread the messages from a long-distance relationship* I had with a tist I met through that server, which was a hot mess that involved conditioning and triggers which were not negotiated or explained beforehand. I had an inkling that this wasn't particularly healthy, but at the time, I didn't take it seriously. I still have the triggers. But now I know what they were, and understand that I have the power to remove them myself.

I learned that the person who made files I've listened to every day for years is a well-known predator. Needless to say, I have another list of triggers I need to remove.

My main takeaway is that engaging with community—not one subset of people, but multiple groups that form a larger community—is extremely important.

As an introverted homebody who is content having a couple of close friends and partners, that can be easy to forget. But being completely disconnected stunted my growth and left me dangerously uninformed.

Now, I've connected with a lot of kind and knowledgable people, and want to make an effort to stay involved.

I'm starting from the beginning, and hoping to build a better foundation from which to evaluate what I put into my mind, and who I allow into my life.