These Feelings Shall Pass

I found a pre ed picture, or so I think. I was 13 here and I think I started losing a bit of weight when I was 12 but there’s no other full body pictures of me so this will have to do. I’m confused as to why I thought I was fat or had to lose weight in the first place. I remember this night as I went to a fancy dress party as a jockey and I was overtaken by anxiety, wouldn’t dance and just sat in a corner all night almost in tears only to go home and cry myself to sleep. This 13 year old was getting beat up everyday, had no friends and had no family that understood so to some extent I guess the weight loss had nothing to do with how I looked and more to do with self punishment as I thought these things happening to me was my fault.

Anyway I told my camhs team I was suicidal and they’ve asked me to hand my pills over but I refused. They were proud because they had no idea I’d overdosed a little while ago (a few times but whatever) lol. They’re worried I’m going to again but who cares honestly, I’ll be fine. What’s killing me right now is looking at that picture because I’ve let that child down so much and I feel incredibly guilty. I didn’t realise how much losing weight would ruin everything and I’m beginning to realise I’m just a burden on everyone. My dad told me my parents problems were my fault and I didn’t believe him but now I do. I get called lazy everyday to the point where I go out everyday and now to the gym twice a week just so please him and make him think I’m not lazy. Earlier he told me ‘If you’re trying to commit suicide at least do it right’ when I chocked on my dinner (well done me) and it made me think a lot. These were the ‘harmless’ little comments that made me become mentally ill in the first place and it’s still happening. I’ve told my mum that if I’m not out of this house soon I’ll completely lose it because I can’t take it anymore.

So this is me now and I just feel disgusting. I keep binging/purging and restricting. I’m so close to giving up. So. Damn. Close. After the festival on the 7th I’m terrified for/of myself.